Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

August 10, 2017

Prevention mag now does poly

Prevention magazine, with a print circulation that declined to a mere 1.5 million last year, was pushing dietary supplements, organic foods, and "natural cures" in my great-grandmother's day. Founded by J. I. Rodale in 1950 and run by him and his son until 1990, it has since gone through nine editors and is grasping to ride new waves, including. . . .

Sex / Relationship Advice

My Husband Has A Boyfriend. Here’s What Our Life Is Like.

Stock photo: Getty Images

As told to Ronnie Koenig

When I met my husband, Paul*, we were both waiting tables in LA. ... I knew from the start that he identified as bisexual — in fact, the first night we hooked up he was in a relationship with a man.

...My friends told me I was crazy ... but the way Paul kissed me and handled my body that night in my apartment, I knew for sure that even if he liked guys, he was very much into women too — and really into me.

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...After six months, we agreed to an open relationship with certain rules. ... There was a lot of freedom but no secrets — and our devotion was to each other first and foremost.

With that kind of trust and transparency to ground our relationship, we both had a lot of adventures — together and with other people. ... The first time Paul and I had sex together with another guy, it was strange to see him going down on a man. But ultimately, I found it really sexy that he was so confident and open about what he liked.

After three years of fun and exploration, Paul surprised me with a ring. We decided we were done being with other people and wanted to give a traditional monogamous relationship a go.

...Then I met Oscar.

...We had a threesome, and it was both enjoyable and extremely weird for me. When Paul and Oscar kissed I could immediately tell that it was intense, and that it might be more than just a hookup.

...We saw movies, had picnics in the park, and started to develop our own rhythm of being together. After a few months, we started introducing Oscar to friends as "our boyfriend."

...A lot of people wonder what our life is like, and for the most part it's normal. Paul and I go to work, come home, and eat dinner together when we can. We do a lot of things with Oscar, like go drinking or to parties on the weekend, but sometimes it's just Paul and me, and sometimes Paul and Oscar go out together. Oscar and I are usually intimate only when Paul is there.

I don't feel like I'm sharing my husband — in fact, I feel like I have two times the love and friendship. ...

It's not a traditional marriage by any means, but it works for us. As long as we are all happy, Paul and I have no plans to stop seeing Oscar. We're not sure if we want to have kids yet, but if we ever do, Oscar would be an amazing uncle!

*All names have been changed

The whole online article (July 11, 2017).

● In Prevention a year ago: I'm In A Polyamorous Relationship (July 1, 2016).

As told to Julissa Catalan

I met Sean, my husband of 12 years, when I was 23 years old. He was working at a coffee shop and we instantly hit it off. And then, after a few months of dating, I fell in love with someone else.

I met Chris while I was away for the weekend, and came home to Sean and immediately broke down. ... And was completely shocked when Sean suggested I date both of them. I knew what polyamory was, but I never thought it was an option. I was blown away by the suggestion, and found it heartwarming that he cared enough about me to give me that.

...I instantly took to the flexibility the polyamorous lifestyle affords. For me, wading into those waters came easily; my body is just not meant to be monogamous. ... My biggest concern was making sure everyone involved was practicing safe sex.

...Chris went on to be the best man at our wedding (he brought a date) but after a few years together, Chris and I ended our relationship amicably. But the experience made Sean and me realize that we wanted to continue being polyamorous. The lifestyle let us support one another and allowed us to be ourselves. It let us to make connections with other people, without any hard limits or boundaries. We also found that dating other people didn't devalue our marriage in any way, because we felt just as connected as ever.

...Morgan has been living with Sean and me for 2 years now. We selected our home specifically because it's comfortable for all of us, and conducive to our lifestyle: It has two suites with private bathrooms and we also have a spare bedroom for guests — like Sean's current girlfriend — who want to spend the night. In a way, I have two bedrooms.

...Different poly people have different ideas about how to honor NRE while practicing safe sex. I'm well educated about keeping safe, and a bit paranoid about it. When we meet new people, I require testing — I have a list of diseases I want my partners to be tested for, and I also provide my results. It is a little awkward at first, but it's important.

Living honestly

My coworkers know about my lifestyle; same with Sean's and Morgan's. Our families all know now, too. Sean and Morgan's families are very understanding, and mine has come to embrace and accept everything. This past holiday season, Sean, Morgan and I took the same flight to see our families since they all happen to live in Northern California – I of course had the middle seat on the plane.

Having to explain polyamory to people who are unfamiliar with the idea, or have a knee-jerk reaction to things that are different, is really the only downside to our choice, but the pros heavily outweigh that con. ...

...We're even talking about having another ceremony to include Morgan next spring.

● And three months ago Prevention picked this up from Your Tango: 12 Principles Of Polyamory That Can Totally Benefit Monogamous Marriages (May 17, 2017). It's definitely a cut above those tabloidy first two.

By Jenna Jorgensen

I believe that understanding how relationships work is key to being happy in them....

A friend recently shared "The 12 Pillars of Polyamory" (by Kenneth R. Haslam, MD) with me, and I thought, gosh, these ideas are just too good to keep to myself. No matter what kind of relationship(s) you’re in, you will benefit from pondering these principles and figuring out how they apply to your life. ...

1. Authenticity
This is the first step in even determining what you want from a relationship: knowing who you are and what your needs and desires are. ... If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with anyone else?

2. Choice
... If you approach your relationships with choice in mind ("I choose to be here" rather than "I have to be here"), how might that change your outlook?

3. Transparency
This takes on a slightly different meaning in non-monogamous relationships, where individuals might have arrangements about how much detail they want to know about their partner's adventures with others. But in general, it's important to have high levels of transparency in relationships. Don't keep secrets from your spouse, your friends, your family members, your bridge partners.

Yes, there are topics that require delicate handling, and there are times when keeping information confidential on someone else's behalf might be the most ethical thing to do. Still, check in with your relationships every so often and ask yourself if you're being as transparent as you might aspire to be.

4. Trust

Duh. ... If you find yourself hesitating to trust someone who's a major player in your life with something important, maybe try to figure out what's going on there.

5. Gender equality
Again, in non-monogamous relationships this might take on a particular significance: participants should closely scrutinize whether they're putting gendered restrictions on their partners and if so, what purpose it serves. ...

6. Honesty
...You must be honest with yourself. You must be honest with others. Deceit, lying by omission, and fabrications have no place in healthy relationships.

7. Open communication
Everyone in a relationship needs to be kept in the loop about the happenings with its members. ...

8. Non-possessiveness
This one doesn't just apply to non-monogamous folks. Even married couples don't have the right to be possessive of each other's time, emotional energy, bodies, or other resources. You know that saying "If you love something, set it free"? Yeah, that. ...

9. Consent
...You should know the expectations and parameters of the relationship you’re entering so that you're able to consent to them consciously and knowledgeably. In non-monogamous relationships, this may require more explicit discussion of your boundaries (Is it okay to kiss other people? ...Which acts require previous discussion, and which can happen anytime?), but it’s also good to have these check-ins in monogamous relationships and friendships.

In the original poster's words: "Everyone knows what is going on in all the partners' lives and everyone AGREES to what's going on. If there's no agreement it's cheating. And if it is cheating then it is NOT Polyamory. It is cheating." Informed consent and agreement thus constitute the ethical foundation of non-monogamous relationships… and quite likely monogamous ones, too!

10. Accepting of self-determination
You cannot control your partner's, friend's, or family member's desires and life directions. Accept this fact. ...

11. Sex positivity
...At heart, it's about setting healthy boundaries for yourself based on consent, pleasure, and safety. It includes saying "no" to things as well as saying "yes" and "maybe later."
It involves not judging others so long as they're being honest and healthy....

12. Compersion
Compersion is the idea that you can experience joy when someone you care about is happy, even if you're not the source of that happiness. In non-mono circles, it tends to mean feeling happy when your partner has a good time with another lover. However, I think it could apply just as well to other areas of life....




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