"Relationship choice" is the theme that the poly movement's activists, movers, and shakers firmly adopted several years ago as their guiding star. Poly is right for some, monogamy is right for others; no shame. The crucial thing is to figure out what's right for you, and look for partners who actually match.
Which means telling about yourself, and asking a new person about their feelings on the matter, very early. And explain exactly what you mean by polyamory, and what version of it draws you, because people often have their own assumptions and misunderstandings of the word.
But first you need to figure yourself out. Cosmopolitan, after its story "How My Poly Relationship Helped Me Make a Difficult Medical Decision" a few days ago, posts some twists to consider:
7 Signs You Might Be Hard-Wired for Monogamy
There are no hard and fast rules, but there are some hints.
By Sophie Saint Thomas
From Broad City to Unicornland, open relationships are appearing more in pop culture. There are many forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), ranging from “don’t ask, don’t tell” sexually open relationships to polyamory.... According to Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, a sex educator and adjunct professor in human sexuality at NYU, interest in CNM across the board is rising, but Google searches have especially spiked for polyamory.
With all the hubbub, if you’re monogamous, you may be wondering if you’re missing out. ... There are some personality traits that may point to the right relationship style for your needs. We spoke with some of the leading sex researchers to talk about indicators that can help you decide. Of course, as all interviewed were quick to add, often exploring is half the fun. ... Just remember to check in with yourself and your partner(s) as you go, and don’t feel bad if regular ole’ monogamy is what you want. I promise you can still be cool. ...
1. A lot of change makes you uncomfortable. Change is inevitable in any relationship. However, in polyamorous relationships, the dynamic between you and your partners is more likely to ebb and flow.... If too much change makes you uneasy, you may be better suited for monogamy. ...
2. You aren’t the best with jealousy. Most people get jealous.... However, the ability to cope well with the emotion, and regulate it rather than lashing out, is a crucial factor in successful polyamorous relationships....
3. You’re not huge on relationship talks. Polyamorous relationships require constant communication around often uncomfortable topics. ...
4. You have stable attachment patterns. This one is a trick; stable relationship patterns are helpful for both polyamorous and monogamous relationships. ... What can mess up any relationship are anxious attachment patterns, when you tend to be clingy and constantly assume your partner’s going to leave you. ...
5. You’re not super organized. ...Most poly problems take place in calendars rather than the bedroom.
6. You prefer living in rural areas. “It’s easier for people who don’t have stigmatized relationships to find belonging and community,” Dr. Zhana says. ... Supportive friends are important for your mental health (and therefore successful romantic relationships). You need someone to bitch to. If you prefer life in rural areas where traditional relationships are the norm, you may be better suited for monogamy.
7. You’re simply uninterested in consensual non-monogamy. ... Go for the relationship style you desire.
Dr. Zhana teaches a webinar that can help people decide if polyamory or monogamy is right for them. Learn more about it here.
The whole article (September 25, 2017).
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