"How Not to Have an Open Relationship"

The Stranger (Seattle)

Mistress Matisse provides more alternative-newspaper poly advice:

Control Tower

How Not to Have an Open Relationship

...So here's Flawed Polyamory Strategy Number 11: Evolution Theory.

Chris and Pat fall in love. Along the way, having an open relationship is discussed. Chris says, "Okay, but I want to be monogamous for a while. Just until we feel secure in our relationship." Pat agrees to this.

Time passes, and Pat feels attracted to other people. However, because of the agreement, Pat doesn't act on the feelings or tell Chris about them. Then one day, Pat meets someone and thinks, "Wow." And says to Chris, "Remember how we said we'd open up our relationship eventually? I think it's time."

Chris knows Pat is bringing this up because he's attracted to a particular person. What usually happens now: Chris gets upset. Yes, Chris agreed to maybe opening the relationship someday. But if Pat wants to change their comfortable state of monogamy right now, then he must be head over heels about this interloper. That makes Chris feel insecure. Therefore, Chris says, their relationship is clearly not ready to be open....

The monogamy-now, polyamory-later trap seems seductively reasonable, and I've seen many well-intentioned people fall into it....

If you know you want an open relationship, stick to that from the beginning. Make agreements about it while it's still an abstract concept....

Read the whole column (Feb. 8, 2011).

And if you missed her recent column on the Dunning-Kruger effect among couples seeking hot bi babes, here it is (Nov. 30, 2010). (Don't know the Dunning-Kruger effect? Understanding it will help you get through life sensibly, says me the science guy.)

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