Rolling Stone: "Tales from the Millennials' Sexual Revolution"

Rolling Stone has published the first half (the cis/hetero half) of a two-part series on how the next generation is going different ways than their parents did, relationship-wise. Open non-monogamy is a big focus of the article, and poly gets attention by name near the beginning.

Another interesting point in the article: today's young-uns are having somewhat less sex than past cohorts did. (My guess: it's so quick and easy now to fap to iporn.)

Tales from the Millennials' Sexual Revolution

This generation is radically rethinking straight sex and marriage, but at what cost? In Part One of a two-part series, Rolling Stone goes under the covers in search of new approaches to intimacy, commitment and hooking up.

Getty Images

By Alex Morris

By the end of their dinner at a small Italian restaurant in New York’s West Village, Leah is getting antsy to part ways with her boyfriend Ryan, so that she can go meet up with her boyfriend Jim. It’s not that she means to be rude, it’s just that Jim has been traveling for work, so it’s been a while since she’s seen him. Ryan gets this. As her “primary partner” and the man with whom she lives, he is the recipient of most of Leah’s attention, sexual and otherwise, but he understands her need to seek companionship from other quarters roughly one night a week. Tonight is one of those nights, and soon Leah will head to Jim’s penthouse apartment, where the rest of the evening, she says, will probably entail “hanging out, watching something, having sex.” “She’ll usually spend the night,” Ryan adds nonchalantly, which gives him a chance to enjoy some time alone or even invite another woman over. He doesn’t have a long-standing secondary relationship like Leah (“I’ve actually veered away from doing that”), but he certainly enjoys the company of other women, even sometimes when Leah is home. “I like everyone to meet each other and be friends and stuff,” he explains.

...When Ryan moved to New York and began living with Leah a year and a half later, he assumed they would transition immediately into monogamy.... He was therefore surprised when the first thing Leah gave him after the move was a book called The Ethical Slut, considered to be a primer on how to handle a non-monogamous relationship....

...They see themselves as part of a growing trend of folks who do not view monogamy as any type of ideal. “There’s this huge group of younger people that are involved in these things,” says Ryan — an observation that seemed borne out of a monthly event called “Poly Cocktails,” held at an upstairs bar on the Lower East Side a few weeks later, in which one would have been hard-pressed to realize that this wasn’t your run-of-the-mill mixer (a guy who’d wandered in accidentally must have eventually figured it out; he was later seen by the bar grinning widely as he chatted up two women).

In fact, Leah and Ryan are noticing a trend that’s been on the radar of therapists and psychologists for several years now. Termed “The New Monogamy” in the journal Psychotherapy Networker, it’s a type of polyamory in which the goal is to have one long-standing relationship and a willingness to openly acknowledge that the long-standing relationship might not meet each partner’s emotional and sexual needs for all time. Or, more specifically, that going outside the partnership for sex does not necessitate a forfeiture of it. “I was at a practice where we would meet every week, six to eight therapists in a room for teaching purposes and to bring up new things coming into therapy that weren’t there before,” says Lair Torrent, a New York-based marriage and family therapist. One of the things all the therapists had noticed over the past few years was “that couples — and these are younger people, twentysomethings, maybe early thirties — are negotiating what their brand of monogamy can be. They are opening up to having an open relationship, either in totality or for periods of time....

It’s worth noting that their arrangement was ultimately Leah’s idea. Ryan is a young Generation X’er, while she’s an older Millennial....

This story is the first of a two-part series exploring Millennials' sexuality. In Part Two, Rolling Stone will take a close look at the lives of queer Millennials.

Read all of Part 1 (March 31, 2014).

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"On the Kinds of Love We Fall Into: Polyamory in Theory and Practice"

Los Angeles Review of Books

Emmett Rensin

For Valentine's Day, here is a small masterpiece of relationship autobiography just published this morning: deep, writerly, engagingly perceptive, and 12,000 words long, by a young person who has seen enormous life.

It appears in a literary magazine that was founded three years ago and has become a big deal in the literary world.

On the Kinds of Love We Fall Into: Polyamory in Theory and Practice

By Emmett Rensin

...She indulged me; listened to me complain about my girlfriend, about long-distance fidelity, about not wanting to be the kind of man who rationalized his desire to betray, but who still couldn’t understand why love was proved by exclusivity. She listened to all of it, and when I was done she said, “Don’t worry. You’ll grow up one day and find a girl you can love who’s OK with polyamory.”

At the time, I don’t think she meant herself.

...Nearly five years later, the term is far more common than it was when I first heard it: case in point, this likely isn’t the first time you’re seeing it in print. But despite greater visibility, the meaning of that word and the culture that accompanies it remains confusing to most people, even threatening.... Even for the genuinely curious — like I was, back then — it’s difficult to get a handle on what precisely “polyamory” means, beyond it involving relationships in the absence of traditional fidelity, beyond it being antithetical to everything we’re taught about love....

By winter, I’ve effectively moved into Lou’s apartment, a second story coach on Chicago’s north side. One of the bedrooms is a storage closet. Lou has a roommate, an archly hip sort of southern girl who loves to cook for us despite possessing the skepticism toward me of a lover’s roommate. The pressure of close quarters is relieved, most nights, by the porch.... Contemplating the color from a string of Christmas lights hung year round, refracted off cheap plastic and through cigarette haze, falling on Lou’s mostly naked body, becomes my private ritual, acted out on any number of winter three a.m.’s, when we go there to escape the stuffiness of her room that is too much for languid, post-coital comfort.

Cigarettes are so frequently an affect, in writing and in life. She smokes because she likes it, and I like this about her.

I say so, one night.

“I’m just better at performing my identity than you,” she says.

I find this inexplicably funny....

Read on. But don't start until you have lots of time to be drawn in.

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"In our progressive, forward-thinking college town it’s becoming almost a faux pas to be monogamous"

Valley Advocate (Western MA)

Ages ago in a previous century I worked at the Valley Advocate, the alternative news and arts weekly of the college-rich Amherst-Northampton "Happy Valley" area in western Massachusetts. The Advocate is still going. This week a columnist reminds today's poly-trending college generation why monogamy can actually be a fine choice too, so don't worry about being out of step with the crowd if that is what's right for you.

Dear readers in college towns, is this an exaggeration? (I'm assuming yes.)

It’s OK To Go Monogo

By Yana Tallon-Hicks

I’m a huge fan of “open” or “non-monogamous” relationships — when two or more people consensually agree not to be sexually and/or emotionally exclusive. Sometimes this looks like a couple being open to sleeping with others but maintaining their relationship as “primary,” and sometimes it looks like someone maintaining multiple relationships simultaneously (called polyamory).

Many have written compellingly about why humans are better suited to be non-monogamous and how to do it ethically (see Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan). Non-monogamy can be challenging, rewarding and fun when done correctly.

In past columns I’ve written about how successful open relationships require honesty, complex boundary-establishing and a lot of scheduling and emotional processing. While cheating in a monogamous relationship may look like one member of the couple having sex with an outsider, cheating in an open relationship might look more like one member of a couple violating a relationship agreement (such as having unprotected sex with a non-primary partner). Despite assumptions, non-monogamy is more talk than sex.

But this isn’t a column about non-monogamy, it’s about monogamy.... In our progressive, forward-thinking college town it’s becoming almost a faux pas to be monogamous, especially if you’re under 30 and not heterosexual. Polyamory’s the new trend.

But monogamy isn’t that bad, is it?

No one gets castrated. Jealousy crops up in every relationship, but it’s a larger, more persistent beast within open relationships. Constantly processing your own value to your partner while she is out on dates with others can be emotionally draining.... Some can only manage their jealously by being monogamous. And if you know that about yourself, congratulations. Lock it down.

You get more focused free time.... Imagine how much yoga, gardening and sleep you could catch up on by having just the one partner....

It’s cost-effective. ...Having a weekly date night with three partners is downright pricey....

You take fewer trips to the clinic. I don’t believe that monogamous sex is inherently safer sex or that open relationships are “dirtier.” However, having one partner means there are fewer variables to consider in the safer-sex aspect of your life....

Instead of being up on our “evolved” non-monogamous hipster high horses, perhaps we need to look at both open and closed relationships as valid choices. There’s a difference between “de facto monogamy” and “chosen monogamy.” De facto monogamy happens because “it’s just the way things go”.... De facto monogamy doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of non-monogamy. It was built on social constructs and is supported by laws involving tax breaks and idiots fighting against gay marriage....

Alternatively, those who consciously choose monogamy have considered all of their options. They might... just prefer being exclusive with their one and only honey. And they’re probably well rested....

Read the whole article (May 7, 2013).

She gets the "de facto" vs. "chosen" monogamy bit right. I'm proud to have had a hand in how both Loving More and the Polyamory Leadership Network, the two main polyactivist groups, decided to make "relationship choice" central to each of their mission statements. "Relationship choice" means that everyone should have the ability — and the knowledge — to choose their preferred relationship style consciously and deliberately, whichever it may be.

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"Polyamory is Boring" as, in some places, it becomes normal

Slate Star Codex

If this guy has 208 responses to his philosophy-blog article "Polyamory is Boring," he has a larger and more engaged readership than a lot of so-called real media, so he's worth noting here.¹ Especially for the quality of this piece — its writing, its interesting ideas — and for what it says about poly in Millennial culture these days, at least in intellectual college towns. Samples:

Polyamory Is Boring

By Scott Alexander [slightly fake name]

(Trigger warning: people in happy loving relationships.)

I explained polyamory to my father last week when we met in Utah. He just shrugged and said “I guess I’m too old-fashioned for that sort of thing to make sense.”

I feel blessed to have a father with the rare skill of being able to generate “I am old-fashioned” as a counter-hypothesis to “other people are evil”. But more than that, I sympathize with his response. I sympathize with it because it was exactly my response when Alicorn told me about polyamory two years ago or so.... For a twenty-eight year old, I am really good at sighing and saying “Kids these days!” in a despairing tone, and that was about my response to the whole polyamory concept.

And now seven months after moving to Berkeley I’m dating three people.

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What changed? It just started seeming normal.... Imagine a space-time rift brings a 19th-century Know-Nothing to your doorstep. He starts debating you on the relative merits and costs of allowing Irish people to mix with the rest of American society. And you have a hard time even getting the energy to debate him. You’re like “Yeah, there are some Irish people around. I think my boss might be half-Irish or something, although I’m not sure. So what?” And he just sputters “But…but…Irish people!"... And not only do you not think that Irish people are a Big Deal, but you’re about 99% sure that after the Know-Nothing spends a couple of months in 21st-century America he’s going forget about the whole Irish thing too....

This was my experience with poly people upon moving to Berkeley. Alicorn makes a big deal about poly-hacking and having to valiantly overcome some sort of strong natural tendency to switch from monogamous to polyamorous relationships. This wasn’t really my experience at all. It just seemed like once the entire culture was no longer uniting to tell me polyamory was something bizarre and different and special, it wasn’t. And then it started to look like a slightly better idea to take part in it than to not take part in it. So I did.... Alicorn and Mike are probably the best couple I have ever seen. I have lived with them for seven months now....

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...The other thing people always bring up is the jealousy issue. I feel like the correct, responsible thing to say at this point would be “Yes, of course everyone experiences jealousy, and it’s hard for the first few months or years, but eventually you just learn to live with it and the sacrifice is worth it.”

But the responsible answer is wrong, and the incredulous-stare answer is right. At least in my very limited experience, jealousy is a paper tiger, sort of the post-9/11 al-Qaeda of emotional states....

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...This is not meant as a sociological or political claim that polyamory is good or even harmless. The community here in Berkeley is several standard deviations away from the mean on practically every dimension, not to mention that they’re a highly self-selected group.

It is easy to imagine that if “bad people” got a hold of polyamory, they could mess it up.... I don’t know if [its] social costs are useful in preserving it [only] for people who would probably use it for good, or whether it is just an unalloyed good that everyone should switch to right away. The latter seems to match my experiences better, but the former seems to match the observation that things usually go wrong in unexpected ways. Still, the former (good for the people who use it, even if not necessarily a good thing to remove the barriers to wider adoption) seems like a floor to how bad it could possibly be.

Read the whole article; there's much more (April 6, 2013).

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1. Also, I'm envious. I'm getting an average of only 2 comments per post here despite an average of about 2,200 reads per post. What's wrong with you guys?

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Laci Green with a new millennial poly video

Discovery News

Remember Laci Green? She's the chattery young ex-Mormon pro-science peer sex educator who hosts the hugely popular Sex+ YouTube series. Which includes a letter-perfect introduction to polyamory (4:33).

She put that up 15 months ago. Now she's 23, she's graduated from Berkeley, and has dived into a swirl of education and advocacy projects: "I consider myself strong-minded and ambitious and I will stop at nothing –NOTHING!– to make waves in our social landscape." She recently got a gig hosting and writing videos at D News, the Discovery Channel's hip science-news website aimed at millennials.

There she's put up a new polyamory video, apparently prompted by the recent paper by Terri Conley et al. in Personality and Social Psychology Review that I wrote about last month.

Can you handle a second or third girlfriend or boyfriend? Turns out more and more people can, and we don't mean "on the side." Polyamory is quickly becoming this generation's sexual revolution. Laci explores what it's all about and how it works. (2:25)

If we had a bunch more spokespeople like her, our job would be done.

A snippet:

The cornerstones that keep this together are honesty, openness, and communication. They're talking a lot. They're negotiating, they're putting how they feel openly on the table for discussion, and for reflection.

Researchers at the University of Michigan looking into polyamory found that polyamorists are far more communicative and enthusiastic about emotional honesty than their monogamous counterparts. And they suggest that there's something for the other 95% to learn here.

Pass it around.

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More poly college voices

The McGill Daily
The Whitman Pioneer
The Uniter (Univ. of Winnipeg)

Time for a new roundup of poly discussions in college newspapers.

This first one is sweet, out today from the McGill Daily at McGill University in Montreal:

My love is not a battlefield

By Edna Chan

...A month from my twentieth birthday, I’ve been in my first and only relationship for over two years, and I believe I have much to owe to the fact that the relationship has been open since it started.

...I knew they were polyamourous, but I didn’t know how well I could handle being involved with someone who was in love with someone else. To be sure, in two years there have been a fair share of stumbles and awkward conversations as we felt our way around what worked, but it has, for the most part, worked.

...What I initially feared might be some kind of sexual free-for-all turned into a deeply intimate commitment to one man, with an allowance that I might someday make deeply intimate commitments to other people and still be with him.

For the better part of a year, I barely considered dating or sleeping with other people, but the fact that the option existed was hard to ignore. When friends complained of being attracted to people outside their relationships, or of their fear of commitment to a single person, I couldn’t help but feel a bit smug. Once I did eventually decide to try having casual sex with other people, I found myself empowered by the ease with which I could let those people walk in and out of my life, demanding nothing and sharing only the time and intimacy I decided to share — all within the security of knowing I was loved and cared for....

I’ve grown in immeasurable ways in the last two years, and while not all those ways are explicitly connected to my relationship, there are things that would be entirely different if I hadn’t learned to be a polyamourist. I wouldn’t have explored half the number of kinks I now frequently enjoy, and I’m not sure I would have come out as queer, or as genderqueer. I believe the freedom to experiment coupled with the assurance that I was not unlovable made all the usual, tumultuous self-discovery of late teenagehood a much better experience than it would have been otherwise....

It might turn out that at thirty years old, I’ll be in a serious relationship with one person, or two, or three, or none. Whatever the case, I’m certain the experiences I’ve had with polyamoury will have formed a good foundation for a willingness to explore and share those relationships if I have them, and to know how to take care of myself if I don’t.

Read the whole article (Jan. 28, 2013. Montreal is officially French-speaking, which is maybe why she uses the French spelling.)

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This one's less happy. In The Whitman Pioneer, at Whitman College in rural Washington state:

No Half-Assing It With Multiple Partners

By Spencer Wharton

I take issue with the way you make open relationships out to be a positive thing. I’m a straight dude who’s been in three open relationships, and all I’ve ever gotten out of them has been misery, regret and nasty breakups. Communication wasn’t the problem — we dialogued everything to DEATH. We established terms upon terms, checked in, read tons of shit online, yadda yadda. In the end, it just never felt okay. I didn’t like the feeling like I was in some sort of contest with her for who could get more action.

—Open Relationships Not Operating Tolerably

Are you sure you really want to be in open relationships?

Believe me, I know that anyone who’s not in a traditional monogamous relationship is sick of that response. Those in non-monogamous relationships are told with tiresome regularity that their relationship troubles are all due to the fact that they’re seeing multiple people. This is an annoying double standard — after all, monogamous couples having issues are never advised to try seeing more people — but in your case, ORNOT, I think it’s important to gauge just how much you want to do this....

In a culture inundated with monogamy like ours, adjusting to the framework of an open relationship can be tough....

Successful open relationships require you to be honest, self-reflective and committed to the idea. What’s more, it helps immensely to have someone you can trust and work through it all with; you can’t build a very stable open relationship if the foundation is shaky. It’s definitely possible, but as so many of the non-monogamous people I know have confirmed, it’s not something you can half-ass.

The whole article (Jan. 24, 2013).

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Anlina Sheng is a very public polyactivist in Winnipeg who's writing a book, was featured in the daily Winnipeg Free Press, and was recently named as one of 30 up-and-coming young Manitobans to watch by The Uniter, the student newsmagazine of the University of Winnipeg:

Anlina Sheng

The Polyamory Advocate

Anlina Sheng on right. Photo by Dylan Hewlett

Sexual health educator, polyamory advocate, animal activist, Occupy Winnipeg organizer, one-time Green Party candidate — Anlina Sheng’s many interests stem from their many identities.

“I’m polyamorous, I’m queer, I’m genderqueer, I’m mixed race — a lot of my identities are pretty marginalized,” explains the 30-year-old, who prefers gender-neutral pronouns over the conventional, binary “her” or “him.”

Sheng adds that as a result of these marginalized identities, working for the organizations they’re involved in is something they have a lot of personal investment in.

“Also, to me it’s just a core aspect of being a good, empathetic human being - to care about others and to strive for improving the world for everyone.”

Sheng works as a health educator at Nine Circles Community Health Centre, putting on workshops and presentations to promote safe sexual health.

When Sheng’s not freelancing as a graphic designer outside of her Nine Circles office hours, they sit on the board for the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association. Sheng also helped start PolyWinnipeg, a social, support and discussion group for polyamorous people in Winnipeg and the surrounding area.

“I think it’s really important to create communities to provide people with support and education, especially because there can be a lot of marginalization for people who are practicing polyamory.”...

—Aaron Epp

Whole article (Dec. 6, 2012).

Many more (including these; scroll down.)

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Teen reporter looks at how poly works for his peers

Youth Radio / Huffington Post

A high school student in Oakland, working for Youth Radio, interviews Dossie Easton and evolutionary psychologist David Buss about why jealousy is not an issue for a poly friend. Buss seems at a loss for an answer, except to say that poly can't work because theory says it can't. (Sometimes the youngest journalists trip prominent people into saying the most revealing things.) The story was reprinted on Youth Radio's Huffington Post blogsite. You can leave a comment both places.

The Evolutionary Role of Jealousy In Teen Dating

By Sam Fuller

A few years ago, my friend Kina, whom I’ve known since we were toddlers, told me she had started dating a girl I’ll call Lexi. Kina had already told me she was queer so that part of her news didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that Lexi was dating another girl I’ll call Janie, and that they had all decided to begin a polyamorous relationship so that Lexi could continue to date both of them.

“It seemed really natural to me,” Kina told me over the phone a few months later. As she put it, she “didn’t have any hang-ups” about sharing her girlfriend with Janie. “I was just happy that I got to be in a relationship with Lexi,” Kina said, “I didn’t really think about it that much.”

But I did think about it. I had a lot of questions. Some that Kina could probably answer: “How do you stay happy dating someone who has another girlfriend?” And some that I’d have to ask experts: “How does polyamory fit within the history of human sexuality?” As I looked for answers, I started to think that we teenagers bring a lot of evolutionary baggage with us on our dates....

Polyamory was new to me. Dossie Easton is a prominent psychotherapist in San Francisco who works with sexual minorities and who wrote the book “The Ethical Slut,” a guide to navigating polyamorous relationships. I asked Easton: why some people become polyamorous?

“I certainly don’t believe it’s some kind of gene that we’re going to find that you’re either monogamous or polyamorous,” said Easton. But even if it’s not genetic, Easton said biology is full of non-monogamous examples....

Research psychologists who study jealousy say it is a nearly universal emotion, although one that is experienced in many different ways. Some people are more jealous than others....

David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas in Austin... said a person’s level of jealousy isn’t constant. He likens the emotion to a biological defense mechanism, like a callous that forms depending on how much friction your skin comes up against. When someone cheats on you, you become more wary, a more jealous person.

To evolutionary psychologists like Buss, emotions are adaptive traits that are passed down through human history in the same way as physical traits, like eye color and disease resistance. According to Buss, that extra wariness that comes with jealousy gives you a better shot at reproductive success. “Jealousy is usually explained as an immature emotion, as a character defect,” Buss said. “But in fact it is an emotion that evolves primarily to protect a valued romantic relationship, and that is highly functional in most cases.”

Except, perhaps, in the case of poly relationships, when jealousy would seem to cause only dysfunction. According to Buss, it’s what makes polyamorous relationships inherently unstable and much more likely to result in breakup than monogamous ones. Dossie Easton calls jealousy the most common fear that stops people from forming open relationships. And as an advocate for open relationships, she spends a lot of time thinking about why that is. “You have to ask the question, why are we so afraid of it?” said Dossie Easton. “We expect to deal with sadness, we expect to deal with frustration, with loss and grief. Why is jealousy the only emotion where you are supposed to get a gun and shoot somebody?”

...Kina’s survey results made me wonder: had being poly and working on her insecure feelings actually made her a less jealous person? When I asked her about it, Kina said she thought it had, and she was glad for it....

...In Kina’s case, she found ways to get rid of her jealous feelings, and that’s made her feel happy. In the end, evolution aside, that’s the question that mattered most to me.

Read the whole story at Youth Radio and/or at Huffington Post (Jan. 8, 2013, for both).

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"Defining the Relationship"

Huffington Post College

Romance and sparking used to come in just a few assumed forms ("first comes love, then comes marriage..."), and woe unto you if you broke someone's assumptions. Or they broke yours.

But now an ethic of DTR — a need to "define the relationship" explicitly early on, rather than assuming stuff — may be taking hold among the next generation. If so, we're in good shape. And, certain poly-activist movers & shakers reading this can take credit for helping to make it happen.

How to DTR (Define-The-Relationship)

By Nadia Cho

Student, University of California/ Berkeley

Defining the Relationship is an often excruciating prospect, especially for unsettled and noncommittal college students. When involved in any fling that lasts longer than a one night stand, there is pressure from social circles and from oneself to clearly define whatever is going on with various intimate partners.

...I genuinely like all of my partners and would like to spend more time with them in the future. However, I don't want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with one person right now. After clearly expressing this sentiment to all of my partners, I've been having a lot of great, honest conversations. Openly communicating my relationship preferences allows me to set boundaries effectively and better understand exactly how I want my relationships to be.

It's important for non-exclusive partners to have dialogue about their respective relationship preferences. Heartbreak comes from a discrepancy in intentions and expectations. So when partners don't DTR, it can be destructive for their relationship when one partner discovers the other is sleeping with a third party.

...I asked a good friend of mine who is a polyamorous relationship guru about the process of telling new potential partners that she isn't monogamous. She told me that during the first conversation of the first date she clearly explains what partners can expect from her: how much time she has available, how she practices her relationships and her commitment to seeing other people.

Be upfront with new partners about what boundaries and dynamics you desire, as well as those you are comfortable with. Don't assume that partners can't handle the truth, and don't let the fact that they might not like it keep you from being honest with yourself....

...Another eye-opening insight my polyamorous friend gave me is that there are different degrees of relationships. The monogamy paradigm makes it seem like people can only either be together or not at all.... Just because two people aren't in a relationship in the prevailing monogamous way, doesn't mean their relationship isn't valid or special....

Read the whole article (Dec. 21, 2012).

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On Fox sitcom, poly as a defining Millennial coolness thing

New Girl (Fox Network)

Just a few years ago polys were stereotyped as gray-haired ex-hippies. Now the largest poly discussion group outside of Fetlife (as far as I know) is reddit/r/polyamory, with close to 10,000 members, and reddit is mostly 20-somethings. We've seen countless other signs. (For instance. And lots more [includes this post; scroll down].)

On Tuesday (Oct. 9), Fox TV aired an episode of New Girl in which a 30ish Gen Y-er thinks he's getting old and un-cool. To dramatize this, screenwriter Berkley Johnson has four hip, cool Millennials move into the apartment across the hall. How does the screenwriter convey Millennial coolness? Partly by making three of them a polyamorous triad. Using those words. The older Gen Y-er (behind couch above) reacts with distress and envy of the young 'uns.

Jessica Karels of Modern Poly guest-writes us a review:

New Girl is a sitcom that focuses on the lives of four roommates: Jess, Nick, Schmidt, and Winston. I learned about the reference to polyamory in this episode from watching keyword searches on Twitter.

The episode involves the dynamics between Jess and Schmidt. Jess, laid off from her teaching job, works at a fast-food place. Schmidt, who is success-oriented to the point of being cocky, is disappointed that she's working part-time in a menial job. The tables turn when the new neighbors across the hall hate Schmidt and adore Jess. Schmidt starts to wonder if the neighbors hate him because they see him as "old."

After another attempt to be cool blows up in Schmidt's face, Jess tells him he's trying too hard. Schmidt soon finds out that the reason the neighbors don't like him isn't his age — it's that he's a "viciously unbearable asshead."

The amusing twist is that the age difference here is maybe 5 or 6 years. The young neighbors appear to be in their early 20s. We see an exaggeration of Millennial hipster culture — quinoa, sitars, hula-hoops, and iPhone covers that resemble cassette tapes (how ironic). The youngsters seem fixated on a bohemian lifestyle and come across as modern-day hippies and counterculturalists.

Polyamory comes up mid-show as Schmidt blames his age for why the neighbors dislike him. "They’re the future of humanity!" he laments. "A pan-ethnic, pansexual hive mind and they want nothing to do with me!"

Jess and Nick stumble through explaining the relationship dynamic:

Jess: "Brory, Sutton, and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater."

Schmidt: "They’re polyamorous?! Dammit!" (making him feel older still).

Apparently being polyamorous is now a Millennial thing. I'm turning 33 in less than three weeks. Thank you New Girl and Fox Network for making me feel old and validating my decision to switch my online moniker from "Young Metro Poly" to "Polyamory Pundit" :p

--Jessica Karels

Also, a writer at a college newspaper does her own review of the episode (Oct. 10, 2012).

Some may remember seasons 1 and 2 of NBC's Parks and Recreation in 2009 and 2010, when young intern April was in a triad with two guys. The relationship ended, but it was sort of a characteristic-millennial thing while it lasted, and no one on the show spoke against it. A reviewer in the Los Angeles Times suggested at the time that it was "perhaps the first functioning polyamory on network prime time."

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Next Generation roundup of unusually good stuff

Two days ago I put up a bunch of student-newspaper articles about polyamory. Continuing the theme, here are some more Next Generation items I thought were especially interesting. This is nowhere near complete.

1. Laci Green, "secular humanist and sex-positive hostess of YouTube's weekly webshow Sex+" (and an ex-Mormon) explicates poly in 4½ minutes. Click above.

This went up 18 days ago and has had 50,000 views. This and more like it are the answer to Diana's deadline in my previous post.

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2. A young freethought activist — and great writer — describes his amazing newbie introduction to poly in a piece that's gone viral:

Adventures in Polyamory

By JT Eberhard

...I’m still pretty much a kid trying to figure things out (while trying to be responsible at the same time). I try new things and I make mistakes, and I have no problem telling people about it because I hope that nudges others to be more shameless about who they are.

...So, today I’m going to try and demonstrate what I find to be admirable behavior by being honest, sharing a story that changed my mind about something, and saying to hell with the consequences. I’m going to tell you about having sex with a married woman.

At Skepticon last year I met a woman, Christina, who would go on to become one of my closest friends thanks to the magic of the internet. Christina and I had quite a great deal in common and a lot of the same curiosities about life. I felt very fortunate to have made her acquaintance.

I knew she was married and soon found out her marriage was polyamorous — i.e., both Christina and her husband had sex with other people.... Sex was not a taboo subject for Christina. She spoke about sex as casually as discussing what to have for dinner, which at first made me slightly uncomfortable. Not in an “oh my gosh that’s wrong” way, but in a way where I thought “ok, if that’s what fills your sails, but it’s not for me.”

Sex is a magical topic. It’s so interesting that with the proper approach its introduction can save almost any boring conversation. And, as two fairly open-minded people, our conversations eventually turned to what we liked in bed. We both were meticulous in our avoidance of diseases, but there were some stark differences between us. I liked giving back rubs. Christina liked having meat hooks pierced through her back and being suspended by wires. I wanted to be in a threesome one day. Christina had lost count of how many she’d been in. She began to call me naive, a charge to which I almost immediately pled guilty (by comparison to Christina, what choice did I have?). She then told me we should have sex.

I laughed. Christina didn’t.

Now, I’m not a prude.... But Christina was married.... “What about your husband?” I asked.

“We’re polyamorous. You know that,” she responded....

“Is your husband really ok with this?”

“Do you want to ask him?” she asked.

...The whole thing just felt odd. I tried to put my finger on it, but I couldn’t....

...And like that we were walking into her house. Within seconds Chris, her husband, came over to give me a hug. He seemed genuinely excited to see me. He didn’t seem awkward at all!.... I sat down in the kitchen and Christina and Chris went about making dinner. As nonchalant as a man ordering a cheeseburger he asked me how I was. I’m a fan of honesty almost all the time, so I decided to come out with it.

“I’m good. I admit though, I’m a little uneasy about this. I’ve never…um…y’know…been physical with a married person before.”...

We proceeded to talk over dinner about polyamory, about Chris’s girlfriend, and about physical fitness. It was actually very pleasant. Chris and Christina hugged and kissed – they were a perfectly adorable couple. Finally, it came time for Christina and I to excuse ourselves....

...And we cuddled all night afterward.

In the morning we got up and made breakfast. Christina kissed Chris, and this whole fucked up situation finally resonated with me as closer to normalcy.

Over the course of the day Christina told both Chris and me that she loved us. I later asked her how that was possible, and she told me that love is not like a bathtub; somebody doesn’t need to get out to make room for someone else. I had honestly never thought about it that way.... There are really people who can love freely — and I don’t just mean sex. I mean honest, genuine love. And I think that’s beautiful....

We’re a funny lot, Americans. We use sex to sell everything in sight, but we want to act like prudes when it comes to the actual subject and treat sex like it’s something to be ashamed of or cannot be used as a means to entertainment....

...Love is not a bathtub. I’ve learned a lot from Christina and Chris, but chief among them is that I am polyamorous and would have been much sooner if not for a bunch of wonky societal myths. And so I write blog posts like this, because that’s why we come out. We come out to normalize something we think are awesome in order to dispel those myths....

Read his whole article (Nov. 17, 2011).

This piece has been spreading so widely (such as by Andrew Sullivan's blog on The Daily Beast) that a writer for The American Conservative used it as the basis of an article, The Mainstreaming of Polyamory (Nov. 22, 2011), in which he warns darkly:

We’re going to be seeing a lot of this, I bet. People who have nonjudgmental attitudes about sex deciding that the only thing keeping them from violating taboos is fear. And when that is conquered…

Conservatives' biggest fear often seems to be that other people will overcome their fear. Maybe that's because conservatives' brains tend to have overgrown amygdalas, although biologist P. Z. Myers disagrees ("I really resent the foolish categorization of the functions of these brain regions").

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3. At a 21-year-old's blog Love Is Infinite:

...At 21, I’m still the youngest poly I personally know. The gap is narrowing, but it’s still there and was even more noticeable when I first started moving in poly circles at the age of 19.

So what does this mean?

A lot of the time, absolutely nothing.... I have many wonderful friends of all ages, and the ages of the people I’m currently involved with on any level span a range of about 20 years. It doesn’t matter.... The same is not true for how other people feel, unfortunately — I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been informed that my beloved Nomad is ‘taking advantage of me’ purely because of the 15-year gap in our ages, or that I have been ‘brainwashed’ in my youthful innocence to believe that something as out-there as polyamory is actually okay. As though I need rescuing from my own choices.

...The problem is that being young means essentially that everything I do tends to be written off as a phase.... I can virtually see people wondering when I’m going to grow out of it. Well, I wonder instead how old one has to be before one’s life-choices are not written off as ‘a silly phase?’

Because I’m sure many things about me will change as I get older. But being bi and poly are facets of who I am, and I am increasingly sure they will not change.

Whatever people might think, though, I am truly happy that I discovered this lifestyle, the kind of life that suits me, when I was young....

Read the whole post (Oct. 21, 2011).

Me, I discovered what's now called poly at 17 and felt pretty sure my life had changed forever, though I knew I wasn't in a position to convince others of this or even myself. Now that I'm 60 I can say yep, I was right.

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4. In the New York Times:

The Freedom To Choose Your Pronoun

...“These teens are fighting the idea that your equipment defines what it means for you to be a boy or girl. They are saying: ‘You don’t know me by looking at me. Assume nothing.’ ”

Dr. [Ritch C.] Savin-Williams [director of the Cornell University Sex and Gender Lab], who is also the author of the book The New Gay Teenager, went on to list some of the new adjectives young people use to describe themselves: “bi-curious,” “heteroflexible,” “polyamorous” and even “wiggly.”...

Read the whole article (Oct. 2, 2011).

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College newspaper roundup

Golden Gate Express (San Francisco State)
Q Magazine at Yale
The College Voice (Connecticut College)
The Campus (Bishop's University)
The Mancunion (Univ. of Manchester, U.K.)
The Daily Kansan (Univ. of Kansas)



"This is my poly dream: that every college student in America will know the word polyamory and what it means within five years." So declared Diana Adams at a Loving More conference 3¼ years ago.

More progress has happened in this direction than I expected at the time. As the poly universe grows, its average age definitely seems to be trending down. For instance, the fastest-growing poly site on the internet right now (as far as I know) is reddit/r/polyamory, with 4,800+ members and another thousand every few months. Reddit is mostly twentysomethings.

Here are some recent college newspapers picking up the topic.

1. In the Golden Gate Express at San Francisco State University:

First dates usually start with conversations about music preferences, living situations and work.

Most people won’t declare “Just so you know, I’m not monogamous,” as SF State senior Emily Irving, 21, does.

Irving is in a polyamorous relationship with Philip Russo, 36, who introduced her to the lifestyle. They have been together for three years. [They pose in the center of the photo above.]

...“I really liked him and I thought that, maybe if I didn’t understand the idea of it at first, a few dates couldn’t hurt me,” Irving said. “I went out with him and we talked about it more and I really liked the idea of being that unrestricted and un-smothered in a relationship.”

Irving then entered a serious relationship with Russo, who at the time was already seeing two other women. She then began living with Russo and one of the women, which she described as a challenge.

...“It’s very much about trust. It’s not like monogamy where I trust you not to go falling in love and sleeping with other people,” Irving said. “But that I trust you to be an individual and do whatever you like to do because I know you trust me just the same.”

...“The main point is that it’s not so much about sex but it’s about falling in love with people. In monogamy, you can’t tell someone if you’re attracted to someone because that’s not what you’re supposed to do,” Russo said. “We talk about it. Polyamory is about openness, trust and communication.”...

Read the whole article (Oct. 25, 2011).

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2. In Q Magazine at Yale, "Yale University’s only LGBTQ-interest publication":

Lowdown: Polyamory

...The essence of polyamory [stands in opposition to] what has been called a “starvation economy” of love. For econ majors, this might make sense. If I have an apple, and I give it to someone, I no longer have an apple. I can’t give it to anyone else. This makes sense with finite physical resources, and it underlies the practice of monogamy. If I love my partner, I love ONLY my partner. The problem is that love is not finite. Polys (as practicers of polyamory tend to identify themselves) generally believe giving and receiving love only increases the stores of love to go around. The same way that making a new friend does not necessarily decrease the quality of your old friendships, polys explore multiple loving relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

...While there is no “typical” practice of polyamory, a local practitioner describes his love life as an example of one of the many ways to be polyamorous. Nick, the founder of an online support group for polys, is a heteroflexible man in his mid-twenties.... Everybody involved knows as much as they wish to know about everyone else. In fact, Nick gets along well with the other boyfriend. For this group, polyamory has been fulfilling everyone’s needs well so far.

...You might be thinking, “That sounds awesome, why doesn’t everyone do this? Where can I sign up?” Or, you might be scoffing, “That could never work. People get jealous. It’s too complicated.” Either reaction has some truth to it....

...[T]he cardinal rule of polyamory: communication. Every single person involved needs to be explicitly aware of the expectations. Not every relationship within a network has to follow the same rules, but each individual must simultaneously follow the rules of all of their own relationships....

Another major concern related to communication has more tangible effects – nonmonogamous relationships hold a higher risk of STI transmission. Frequent and frank discussions about test results, consistency of barrier protection, and risk factors are vital....

Read the whole article (Dec. 18, 2011).

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3. In The College Voice at Connecticut College:

Right Said Fred! Fred Discusses the Social Stigma Surrounding Polyamory

By Frederick McNulty

...While many people consider non-monogamy to be limited to religious extremists and misogynists, the fact of the matter is that polyamory is a growing trend all over the world.

As long as you are open and honest with all involved individuals, then I do not see the problem. All three of you seem to be extremely comfortable with a polyamorous relationship. The only concern that seems to be holding you back is the social stigma that surrounds non-monogamy. In my view, that should not keep you from being happy. Be warned that you will be fighting an uphill battle: from the inability to be recognized in a Facebook relationship to other forms of discrimination, we do not live in a society that accepts polyamory as a valid form of a relationship....

Read the whole article (Dec. 12, 2011).

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4. A pro-con debate on polyamory at Bishop's University in Quebec:

One love or big love?

By Lara Henerson

One of the first lessons I learned as a naive first year student, was that boys here don’t like to be tied down.... And contrary to gender stereotypes, there are a ton of girls out there who would rather play the field than settle down with one partner. But is this really a bad thing? Does our society attach negative stigmas to people who seek multiple lovers? The answer is yes, undeniably so.

That’s why the debate held on October 18th in the Gait attracted such a large audience. The debate, organised and mediated by Dr. Jessica Riddell, was centered on this controversial statement: “Polyamory is a more responsible, honest approach to relationships in the twenty-first century.” Upon entry, all audience members were given definition flyers, clarifying the meanings of the terms polyamory, polygamy, monogamy, and monoamory. (To sum up; terms ending in -amory relate to non-marital relationships, and terms ending in -gamy relate to marriage). Dr. Michele Murray of the religion department and student Chris Carmichael argued for polyamory. On the other side, Dr. Bruce Gilbert of Liberal Arts and Philosophy and student Adria Midea argued for monogamy.

Midea kicked off the debate with what threatened at first to be a typical puritanical moral argument. However, things became more interesting with the implication that traditionally polygamous relationships have been in-egalitarian and harmful to the self-esteems of women. On the other side, Dr. Murray clarified that polyamory was not to be confused with “cheating,” since all parties involved are aware of each relationship. Her argument stressed that polyamory should be an option for those who wish to “explore different behaviours,” not that it should be compulsory. Dr. Murray also pointed out that polyamory gives people the opportunity to deal with their jealousy head-on, thereby accelerating personal growth. It is of course debatable (no pun intended) whether jealousy can ever really be conquered. And, as Dr. Gilbert rebutted, whether overcoming the very flaws that make us human is even a noble goal....

...Then came the final audience vote. Although the monogamy side did get more votes in the end, it seems that the polyamory side were able to double their supporters since the pre-debate vote. I personally found both sides so convincing that I abstained from voting in the end. All in all, it was a very thorough and successful debate, and one hopes we can forward to more in the future.

Read the whole article (Oct. 27, 2011). The debate is on YouTube in four parts; here's Part 1.

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5. In a debate in "Britain's biggest student newspaper, serving Greater Manchester," a polyamory supporter steps up to correct someone unclear on the concept. The "Polyamory" float photo is from the 2009 San Francisco Pride Parade.

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6. In The Daily Kansan: A self-proclaimed poly student who falls in love with people easily, yet has sex with none, writes that she still gets called a whore. Such is the rule in a culture where intimacy must be walled off from the rest of life.

In the summer of 2009, Amy Thompson, a sophomore from Shawnee, went on a study abroad trip to Besancon, France where she discovered she preferred polyamory to monogamy. Polyamory is the practice of having multiple committed relationships at a time with the knowledge and consent of all who are involved. She kept an open relationship with her boyfriend of two years while abroad.

I had a man for every day of the week when I was in France. While abroad, my only goal was to speak French. Dating someone turned out to be the best way to learn the language because I was always talking to that person. I had that dynamic multiplied by six, plus the long-distance boy back home.

...I’m in love with everyone I meet.... Polyamory forces me to communicate honestly with my partners. We talk about our limits.....

A lot of my friends told me what I was doing was immoral. The word “whore” was used to describe me. I didn’t have sex with any of those guys, not that it would matter. They [my friends] abandoned me for a lifestyle that made sense to me.

Read the whole article (Oct. 20, 2011).

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Monogamy, polyamory and relationships at Occupy Wall Street

Time Out New York

In the thick of the most important event of this year, polyamory emerges naturally for a certain fraction of the participants.

Relationship styles at Occupy Wall Street

Monogamy, polyamory and preoccupations with the future of modern love.

By Rachel R. White

...According to 2010 Pew research, 50 percent of young people think that marriage is becoming obsolete. As the Occupy Wall Street movement represents the change people want to see in our society, what kind of change do protesters want to see in relationships? What is the future of dating, or even marriage, according to the protesters? Here is a glance at sex, dating and modern relationships at Occupy Wall Street.

Part One: Poly at Zuccotti

Caitlin, Robert, Yelle, Leandra, Alex and Kyle slept together in the same tent at Zuccotti Park. “Everyone is romantically, intimately and sexually involved,” says Robert. They are a polyamorous family (a relationship style meaning, literally, “many loves”). The group share food, finances and plans post-protest: one pair are traveling to Portugal, others will be tree-sitting in Oregon.

...Cuddled up in the tent, Robert and Caitlin reminisce. “You totally initiated the first orgy,” says Robert. “No,” Caitlin argues, “wine initiated it!” Regardless, more people were slowly invited into their sleeping space. “When you engage in something you care about with someone, that builds a deeper connection," says Robert. "And sometimes that blossoms into other ways of connection."

Although the sixsome, all aged 18 to 24, found that while their poly relationship happened naturally, relations at Zuccotti were not easy. Before it got cold and the police finally allowed tents, the group slept together on an air mattress, covering themselves with a tarp. “Finally we went to Leandra’s house, and we all got in a gigantic, California king-size bed with banisters and soft sheets. There was an epic orgy,” says Robert.

After that, the group members started saying “I love you” to each other. There was more of a bond. “There are tender moments," says Caitlin. "Like taking care of someone who's sick.” And no two relationships in the group are the same, “I relate differently to the 18-year-old who is new to protest culture than to members who are older and more experienced than me," she says. "You need the one-on-one, or that sense of family gets lost."

While polyamory might not be the norm, the group says relationships are changing for their generation. “Traditional courtship rituals are not financially possible — for people here and for our generation as a whole," says Robert. "I’ve had more girlfriends in the past who I moved in with early on because it was the only thing that was economically feasible."

...And for them, it works. “We can go days without talking to many other people, because we have so much of what we need right here!”

Part Two: Monogamy, Uncommonly, at Zuccotti

Sebastian and Catherine met in L.A.... The couple describe the moment they decided to camp out at Occupy as amorous. “How many people can turn to their partners and say, 'You know, I think we should go live in a park for the good of humanity, for months on end'? The entire thing is a wholly romantic exercise,” says Sebastian.

They have a fairly traditional marriage: Catherine and Sebastian are monogamous; they want children. But their model for that is different than their parents'.... [Catherine] hopes that the future of relationships includes a more communal style of living. “Nuclear families can be so isolating,” she says. Sebastian points out that even if you believe in nuclear families, that model isn't looking sustainable....

Living with other couples can provide the nonsexual benefits of polyamory — you can have a support system while remaining monogamous, and passionately so....

Read the whole article (Nov. 18, 2011). It was written before November 15th, when New York authorities staged a pre-dawn raid, arrested 200 occupiers, and bulldozed the encampment.

Added Dec. 16: A reporter for the San Francisco Bay Guardian who was embedded at Occupy San Francisco and Occupy Oakland reflects on the non-monogamy movement and what it could mean for the 99 percent: Revolutionary bedfellows: What Occupy has in common with the sex-positive movement (Dec. 16, 2011).

Added later: Kit O'Connell's article Occupy Counterculture & Polyamory (Jan. 14, 2012).

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Some Next Generation voices

A student speaks out for polyamory on the website of the online and print magazine Teen Ink ("reaching millions of teens nationwide"):

Polygamy, Polyamory, and Society

By Anonymous, Nova Scotia, Canada

In my opinion, I have too many friends that are pointlessly heartbroken.

...Most people involved in polyamorous lifestyles don't believe in the same standards of commitment that are idealized by society. Instead, honesty and trust are key factors, which lets each individual experience complete romantic, emotional, and sexual freedom.

I believe in the idea of polyamory, because to me it's completely logical. Think about it for a second. We, as animals, are not programmed to choose one mate and spend the rest of our existence with them, faithfully. It's not realistic. I don't believe you should have to subtract someone you love from your life instead of adding someone to it.

Based on this, I feel that exclusively monogamous relationships are impractical and against nature. You don't have the right to own or rule over another person's life, nor choose their decisions for them.

Sadly, because monogamy has been so normalized in our society, most people are conflicted and critical of the idea of loving more than one person at once.

...I honestly believe the world would be more productive if polyamory and monogamy switched roles. There would be no burden of numerous Twilight books....

Love is not something that should be lost for no reason. Love is not a pie; the more slices there are does not mean each slice contains less.

...It is one of my greatest hopes that polyamory will eventually be accepted in society, and not looked down upon and avoided because of misinformation.

Whole article (Sept. 2011).

Elsewhere, Lynsey of Prescott, Arizona, wrote on CollegeNET:

Polyamory: Lifestyle Choice or Glorified Cheating?

When I turned eighteen, I began hearing a term I'd never heard before: polyamory. I wasn't sure if it was because I moved to the west coast or because it was catching on in society as quickly as bisexuality did, but either way it had me fascinated. How could it possibly work? Why didn't partners get jealous? Was it an appropriate lifestyle choice, or just a glorified excuse for cheating?

I've run into several polyamorous couples now, and they've all left me with a different opinion. For one couple, it worked perfectly. For another, it was the husband's way of getting away with sleeping with other women. For me, it was all far too confusing to figure out.

To clarify, polyamory is not strictly sexual, a common misconception. Those people are called swingers, not polyamorous. Also, having a girlfriend on the side is not being polyamorous. In a relationship involving polyamory, all partners know about each other, as the relationship is a romantic one. The technical term for sleeping with other people behind your partner's back is "cheating."

...Couples I've seen discuss everything together, from the wife's new boyfriend to the husband's new girlfriend. One couple actually both dated the new girlfriend, and had a strange sort of triangle going on. It worked for them, so cool.

...Could you ever partake in a polyamorous relationship? Do you think it's morally wrong to try to love two people at once? If your significant other were to tell you they wanted to try polyamory, how would you respond?...

Whole article (June 24, 2011), with many comments. Enough other readers voted up this and her many other essays to win her a $5,000 scholarship prize from the site's sponsor, CollegeNET, "a privately held company providing web-based on-demand technologies to colleges, universities, and non-profits."

● See too this article on Loving More's blogsite: The Influx of Young People Identifying as Polyamorous (Jan. 22, 2011), and read the many comments.

● Bitsy, a grad student and a member of the Polyamory Leadership Network, has put up a list of TNG (The Next Generation) poly groups. She intends to keep the list up to date permanently if you send her additions, changes, or corrections; mail to bitsy AT openlypoly DOT net.

Now, saving the best for last: at Boston University, Bitsy wrote an article for an underground orientation booklet that incoming freshmen received:

Polyamory, a Design-Your-Own Relationships Kit

...The idea of being open and honest about having multiple partners strikes people as crazy.

Perhaps it is, but it's the best sort of crazy: the kind that allows many people to have happier lives.

....When I entered my first serious relationship, I told my partner-to-be that I didn't want monogamy. I had active crushes on other people and I knew these feelings weren't about to go away just because I was being lovey with one person.... We've now been dating for nearly ten years. In that time I've learned how many pitfalls forging your own style of relationship can have, found a name for what I do — polyamory — dated a few other people, and been incredibly satisfied with the paths my relationships have taken.

In addition to my long-standing partner, I have another whom I've been dating for about four years. I have lived together with both of them in the same apartment....

Let me add a warning: getting to a place where my relationship worked was difficult and painful.... One of the things polyamory teaches you is to be comfortable with emotional pain, knowing you'll move through it, knowing you have a larger goal. Moving through emotional pain allows you to grow into a better person, to be more in touch with yourself, and better able to deal with life's curveballs. You learn to communicate clearly, directly, and proactively, a skill that's applicable not just to your personal life but to academic and professional pursuits. You'll find that your emotions surprise you: things you think would be problems often aren't, and things that you'd never considered turn out to bother you tremendously....

Even if you think you'll never find yourself in a relationship outside cultural norms, as my partners once thought, I encourage you to read what the polyamory community has to say about dealing with emotions and communication.... Relationship skills are relationship skills, and learning to have a solid poly relationship is really just learning how to have a good relationship....

Read the whole article (September 2010) (7 MB pdf; see pages 25 and 26.)

Three years ago, poly activist Diana Adams (another member of the PLN) declared at a Loving More conference, "This is my poly dream: that every college student in America will know the word polyamory and what it means within five years."

With two years to go, it actually seems to be happening to some extent — more than I remember expecting at the time. Any ideas on how to boost the pace toward Diana's deadline? And to ensure that more of what gets out there gets it right?

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1.3 million promos for Polyday

Metro (U.K.)

This Saturday (August 27th) is Polyday in London — a one-day annual gathering at a hip community center featuring talks, discussions, workshops, speed dating and, come evening, drinking. Past Polydays have had turnouts of up to 200 or so.

This one looks like it may be biggest yet. Because this morning, the Polyday folks scored a coup. They got a great article about themselves — including happy pix of cuteness (example here), lengthy plugs for Polyday, and their URL — into the Metro, a free daily newspaper distributed on public transit all over the U.K.

With a circulation of 1.3 million.

The bouncer at that place may have an interesting time on Saturday.

Polyamory: Sharing the love? Yes, we'll take that

What would you say if your partner had feelings for someone else as well as you? We meet polyamorous lovers as they prepare for their largest London gathering.

By Helen Croyden

You may think Matt Bobbu, 23, is a lucky guy. He’s been with his girlfriend, Katy, for two years. With her consent, he also has a long-distance boyfriend, Mike. Mike is engaged to a girl who is dating one of Katy’s friends. Meanwhile, Bobbu’s flatmate is dating a girl who’s dating Katy.

Confused? Well there are triads, quads, open networks, secondary partners and pansexual love affairs to consider too. This is the menu of relationships open if you don’t believe in restricting romantic feelings to one person. Bobbu and his coterie of lovers will be gathering for Polyday this Saturday, at Dragon Hall near Holborn, London. It’s a gathering with workshops, talks and social activities for anyone who follows, or is interested in, the romantic web of polyamory.

‘The idea of monogamy has always been weird for me,’ says Bobbu. ‘Why can I only love one person and not others? Yet I can have a favourite book and still love other books?’

It sounds like a great way of getting lots of sex, doesn’t it? A commitment-phobe’s paradise. Imagine – I could have John for his conversation, Paul for his lothario bedroom acrobatics and Steve for his sensitive side… but apparently it isn’t like that. Polyamory is about respectful and trusting relationships. Friends With Benefits it isn’t.

Maxine Green, 29, is this year’s organiser. ‘People think of us as commitment-phobes,’ she says, ‘but there are many serious relationships going on. We’re more like commitment-addicts.’

Green has one serious partner, one semi-serious and a few occasional lovers. ‘It’s not that I get one thing from one person and something else from another and therefore I feel complete,’ she says. ‘All of them are whole relationships.’

Polyamorous affairs take many forms. They can be closed or open, depending on whether the individuals keep amorous attention within a particular circle. Some distinguish between primary and secondary partners (the primary being a committed long-term partner). If it’s three-way love, it’s a triad. A more balanced four-way union is a quad. Some inflict gender-specific boundaries on partners, others set numeric ones.

Bobbu doesn’t have any rules, which makes him, by definition, a relationship anarchist. ‘I don’t think polyamory would suit everyone,’ he says. ‘It takes emotional maturity to be polyamorous. The key to any relationship is communication.’

Alex Winson, 24, a software developer, has a ‘primary’ girlfriend of one year, plus a casual arrangement with a girl he sees monthly. ‘Love is one of the few unlimited resources,’ he says. ‘I see no reason to ration it or deny it to people. I take both relationships seriously.’

But what about jealousy? Our competitive human nature thrives off feeling special, doesn’t it? ‘Of course I experience jealousy,’ admits Winson. ‘But it is always symptomatic of something. No one wakes up feeling jealous. You have to work out why you feel it. The majority of problems that creep up are because you date too many people and don’t make time for each other.’

Bobbu is giving a talk at the event on Saturday in connection with his own campaign group, Polytical, which is working to raise awareness of polyamory to counsellors and health professionals.

It’s not all about serious talks. Other workshops include Poly Parenting and Speed Friending for those looking to network. For newcomers or the curious, there is an introductory workshop, Poly 101, explaining what polyamory is and where you can meet like-minded people.

The aim of the Polyday is for those interested in polyamory to meet and for the organisers to attract new people to their community. Green hopes to quash polyamory’s bohemian image. ‘There are poly people from all walks – solicitors, bankers etc – but when it comes to “coming out”, it tends to be people from creative professions like artists.’

The day signs off with a bring-your-own-bottle party. But if you’re thinking what I was thinking — free love and trails of underwear — Green puts that straight. ‘People hear non-monogamy and think of people swinging from chandeliers,’ she says. ‘In fact, a polyamorous group are more likely to be sitting down and having a cup of tea.’

polyday.org.uk

See the original (Aug. 22, 2011), and leave a comment.

How did they get that article?! Matt Bobbu, a member of the Polyamory Leadership Network (PLN) and the black-hatted guy in one of the pix, says that although he has studied the materials at the PLN's Polyamory Media Association, "I think it was mostly fortuitous timing that someone wanted to write an article on poly who had pretty decent credentials, and was persuaded to do it with a nice big plug for Polyday too."

BTW: Bobbu just got an article into The Skinny (Scotland's monthly arts & entertainment magazine of "independent cultural journalism"), titled So, What Is This Polyamory Thing? (Aug. 29, 2011 online. September 2011 print issue).

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More college poly doings, south Texas to Stony Brook

"The largest and leading newspaper in South Texas" gives splashy feature coverage to a self-confident, 19 year old, un-Texas-like Texan at the University of Texas Pan-American:

UTPA student could be America’s Next Top Model

Sara Longoria rarely shaves her legs. It’s just not something she thinks about too often. When she got her first modeling gig at a vintage resale shop, which was little more than a friend calling for a favor, she was a bit surprised....

...She’s been chosen as a contestant for this season’s “America’s Next Top Model,” which premieres at 7 p.m. Wednesday, Feb. 23. There’s no telling how far the college sophomore will go on the reality show, especially since she may be one of the most controversial models-to-be on the popular CW network program....

...“America’s Next Top Model” has had its share of controversial contestants.... The subject of Sara’s own sexuality comes up often during the show, she said.

“I am bisexual and polyamorous, so I have a boyfriend, and as a couple, we date our girlfriend April,” she said.

Polyamorous couples usually date others, with permission from their partners, and have more than one romantic, intimate relationship.

For the most part, Sara’s family and friends are accepting of her alternative lifestyle.

“ … It’s not like we live together — my boyfriend and girlfriend both live at home (and) I just recently moved out — so it’s not like we’re trying to figure out how to pay our taxes or anything like that; we’re all very young,” Sara said. “My mother knows about it. I don’t really talk to my dad, so it’s not an issue. My siblings know.”

Controversy aside, Sara was chosen out of tens of thousands of girls vying to compete in photo shoots, model challenges and runway walks with the final goal of becoming “America’s Next Top Model.”

Sara was confident she would be picked as one of the 16 semi-finalists who bunk together in a swanky mansion.

“… There’s always one short-haired weird girl in every cycle. And when I got to L.A., I saw that the weird short-haired girls’ numbers were very low,”....

Read the whole article (Feb. 17, 2011). The paper goes on to note that she'll soon be acting in a local production of The Vagina Monologues as a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood.

The show was filmed late last year. The first episode airs February 23rd on the CW Network.

More from a University of Texas press release:

"...What I wanted to do, even more than winning, was to make sure that while I was there I remained true to who I was. I didn't want to change or become fake, I just wanted to be able to convey my feelings and have my decisions understood."

In addition to modeling, Longoria has an unconditional passion for education, women's reproductive rights and helping her family get ahead. She intends to take what she has learned from being a contestant on the show and use it toward her education at UTPA, where she is considering changing her major to political science to better understand and help solve the struggles concerning reproductive rights.

"I've always considered myself a feminist and I felt very unusual about it in high school because I was so passionate about it, but at UTPA I met like-minded people who took pride in it," Longoria said. "I am now involved with VOX (Voices for Planned Parenthood) and we work on campaigns and projects that have made me realize the importance of being involved in politics."

...Longoria plans on traveling to New York City this summer to pursue modeling, but will keep one thing in mind.

"Eventually I'm going to get old and wrinkly, and nothing external will be left, but I'm still going to have my mind.; so, I'm going to get an education and earn a degree," Longoria said. "Really the ultimate goal for my life is to better the living situations for women in the Valley and reduce violence against women internationally. I want to know that I helped women around the world."

On the cover of the newspaper supplement, in her full model get-up, she looks inhuman. In her real-life pictures with the article she looks wonderful. What's wrong with our culture that the fashion industry takes fine-looking people, artificializes them beyond recognition, and convinces women that this is the standard they should aspire to?

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Elsewhere... at the State University of New York/Stony Brook a few days ago, sex-ed lecturer, poly-activist leader, and all-around happy puppy Reid Mihalko did his shtick before an appreciative student audience. I've seen Reid at work and at play — including leading two all-day meetings of the Polyamory Leadership Network very effectively — and they don't make sex-positive spokes-guys any better.

Apparently a reporter for Stony Brook's THiNK magazine ("Stony Brook University’s first progressive campus publication") thought so too:

A Non-Conservative Presentation on Non-Conservative Sex

By Trevor Christian

Reid Mihalko delivered a fascinating sex education seminar entitled ‘Non-Conservative Sex’ on Thursday in the Student Union, just in time for Valentine’s day. The world-famous founder of ‘Cuddle Party’ was invited to Stony Brook by the LGBTA because of his all-inclusive, humorous lessons on a subject that can be hard to talk seriously about.

Mihalko is upset because non-conservative sex — even sex in general — is considered taboo in our culture....

The culture that Mihalko is describing isn’t that of primetime TV where sex comes in all forms all the time. It’s the culture found in churches, families, and health classrooms. It’s the culture that makes it hard for someone different to feel good about themselves. But his seminar was also for kids with parents that would support them no matter what.

To that point, he made a lot of jokes about “being anything he wanted when he grew up,” something his mother would say to him as a kid. Even the most supportive parents can have issues with what “no matter what” means, especially if it’s cuddle parties.

The talk wasn’t all serious. Mihalko is a master of using humor as the spoonful of sugar to help the serious talk sink in. When students giggled at one of his favorite sex activities, he made them say it aloud. “Say it with me: ‘Strap-on gang-bang.’ ”

Mihalko’s “elevator sex-speech” strategy grabbed a lot of attention. He told attendees to give a brief summary of their sexual history and preferences to potential partners on the elevator, or way back to their room. According to Mihalko, this shocking honesty may be intriguing or endearing if the person is up to it.

The same principle should apply to non-sexual relationships, Mihalko said. “Your real friends are the ones who don’t run.”

After taking a few anonymous questions, Mihalko decided to molest a cupcake. [Photo.] He did this to simulate the proper way of fingering someone. Throughout the demonstration, he stressed the importance of respect and acquiring permission to go further, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

...The self-described polyamorous queer slut values respect. And honesty. And safety. Molesting a cupcake with a Finger-cot.

What made it non-conservative was the emphasis on accepting others, being comfortable and “feeling good about liking what you like.”...

Read the whole article (Feb. 15, 2011).

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Another item, in the Daily Northwestern:

Facebook expands relationship status options

Facebook added two new relationship status options Thursday: "in a civil union" and "in a domestic partnership."... The changes drew praise from students associated with Northwestern's LGBT Resource Center and the Rainbow Alliance.

...Still, Garcia said he would like to see Facebook represent relationships with multiple partners, especially considering many college students are polyamorous....

The whole article (Feb. 18, 2011).

Update, March 19: So Sara Longoria didn't make it to be the top model; she was eliminated on the fifth round. After that segment aired she was free to talk about lots of things — including, says Reality TV World, "how she felt the sexy coffee commercial contradicted her own personal feminist beliefs, what the producers chose to edit out of the show about her sexuality...." Here's the interview.

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