"Rules of Engagement for Polyamory Relationships"

Creative Loafing

On Florida's west coast, a very sex-positive college student devotes her latest online column for an alternative weekly newspaper to poly rules that she and her boyfriend live by.

Some people think it’s impossible to cheat in a polyamory relationship, but it doesn’t work that way. The following are four rules that my boyfriend, The Puppy, and I have:

1) No starting a new relationship without telling your partner.

...You may be thinking that you’re fine with a V (Sally and Susan are dating Timmy, but not each other) or a triad (Susan, Sally, and Timmy date each other) relationship. Your partner may want a closed triad... or maybe you were expecting to have a hierarchical relationship where your starting partner would be your primary.... Things like this should be talked over before either party brings home someone new.

2) No dating someone your partner doesn’t approve of.

...There was once this guy that I was interested in for curiosity’s sake. Mr. Chaotic (my former long-distance boyfriend) didn’t care if I went for it because he had been dealing with the fact that other men were tapping what he couldn’t for a while. But, the Puppy had a problem with it. At first he would only say that he found the idea of me sleeping with the new guy stomach turning.... On top of that, he didn’t think that the other guy could handle being third fiddle....

On the reverse end of that, one of my conditions with The Puppy is that anyone he dates has to understand that I’m part of the deal. They don’t have to date me. Hell, they don’t even have to like me, but they do have to be civil....

3) No bare backing or fluid bonding with someone without talking it over with your partner(s).

STI/STDs are a major concern for any relationship that involves sex. A cold sore, a yeasty, sex that involves going from one orifice to another without cleaning in between — all could lead to horrible results.... Then there’s pregnancy....

4) None of the usual stuff that would count as cheating in a monogamous relationship.

...Non-monogamy rises and falls on the back of communication, honesty, and trust. Without those, the network crumbles. For the Puppy and I, this can be tricky because our boundaries go a bit further than others....

For example: Last summer, I attended a friend’s party without The Puppy. At one point during the night, an acquaintance that has seen me topless before asked if another friend (also female) and I would take off our tops and let him take a picture of us hugging. There were about five other people in the room. One of them was the host (who has also seen me topless). I text messaged the Puppy.

Puppy to Camile: If you know them and are comfortable with it, then go ahead. Did you really have to ask?

Read the whole article (April 30, 2009). Here are all her columns for Creative Loafing.

Here's more about Camile. She has written to us:

I first began to think that it was okay to be more open about being poly both because of sites like this [Polyamory in the News] and the LiveJournal Polyamory group. I became even more comfortable when I saw authors like Laurell K. Hamilton and Emma Holly present (mostly positive) examples of non-monogamous relationships in their work. Most of the open relationships I had seen before then were always either two siblings deciding to share a third person, or a couple having a brief fling before deciding that monogamy was the way to be.

I'm hoping that with my own contributions to Creative Loafing's Sex&Love site and my fiction writing (I will get over this writer's block), I can do my little part as well.

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"Married, with several relationships on the side"

Staten Island Advance

New York City's "forgotten borough" has an old and venerable daily newspaper, and this morning it profiles New York poly activist Rose Fox and her husband Josh:

Tuesday, March 25, 2008
By ELISE McINTOSH

It's difficult for Rose Fox to watch romance movies. At the end, she is always disappointed when the protagonist is forced to decide between two love interests. She wonders: Why not choose both?

Ms. Fox, 29, is polyamorous. She lives with her husband in Manhattan, speaks weekly to her long-distance girlfriend in Portland, Ore., and currently is "feeling out" another love prospect. Her spouse, Josh, 36 — who requested only his first name be used — recently has fallen for a younger woman, who herself has a fiancee.

"They're stupidly in love; they are so cute together," Ms. Fox says about Josh and his semi-new flame.

...As "primaries," Ms. Fox and her husband "come first in each other's eyes," but have an agreement in which they can develop relationships outside the marriage.

Their only rules include, says Ms Fox: "Don't get anyone sick or pregnant and don't damage the relationship." Everything else is pretty much fair game.

What makes the situation work, she notes, is a lot of trust, openness, loyalty and negotiation.

According to Ms. Fox, polyamorous relationships are very fluid, and it is really up to those involved to define the dynamics.

"There are a lot of different configurations," she explains. "Triads work; quads work, but are hard to do."

...She and her husband regularly get tested for STDs, and are careful about protecting themselves during sex.

There is one thing polyamorists cannot protect themselves against: The heartbreak of getting dumped. Because breakups in polyamorous relationships are very personal, they sting even more, says Ms. Fox.

It's not like they're breaking up because there is "someone else" — polys are encouraged to date other people — so the reason really has to do with you.

Ms. Fox recalls how painful it was when one partner broke up with her.

"I am sorry. I don't know how this happened, but I am not in love with you anymore," she recalls him as saying.

Ouch.

For a while, it was weird, she says. But, at least she had her husband's shoulder to cry on.

Read the whole article. Here's the print-friendly text in one piece without the clutter. And send a letter to the editor.

Fox has run Polyamory 101 workshops, and she wrote up some of what she says in them under the name A Garden in Riotous Bloom:

...Getting into a poly relationship is easy... someone says "How about it?" and someone else says "Sure" and there you are. Being in a poly relationship, and keeping it running, is hard.

...Here's the top-five list that I've developed over many years of difficult experience:

Know yourself. Look at yourself from the outside. Observe your own behavior. Listen to the warning voice in your head and learn when to pay attention to it and when to tell it to quit fearmongering. This is key in any relationship, but in a poly setup it is absolutely essential. If you're jealous, why are you jealous, and what makes it better or worse?.... Make sure you update your self-knowledge regularly; people change, and we can get so attached to our images of ourselves that it's hard to admit or even notice when they get outdated.... Know yourself.

Speak up for yourself. This is why knowing what you really want and what your real priorities are is so important: you must be your own advocate and you must know which fights are worth fighting. It's not about not trusting your partner; of course you should trust your partner to keep your best interests in mind whenever possible. However, people's memories are short and poor and often out of date.... Habits are strong. Exceptions are hard to remember. Be thorough and explicit and state your needs early and often. Speak up for yourself.

Be patient and kind. ...Understand that more energy in the system means more chaos. Understand that your partner cannot keep six people's schedules and preferences in his head. Work to find coping mechanisms for perennial problems.... Learn the value of compromise. Scratch their backs and they'll scratch yours. Enjoy the buzz of being nice to other people.... Be patient and kind.

Don't let emotions make you stupid. Love making you stupid might mean, for example, that you end up having unprotected sex.... Similarly, it might mean getting involved with someone who's in a bad situation and feeling that you have to ride in on your white horse... or it might mean falling for someone who's just plain psycho.... When you have other partners, and you go off and play in the mud, when you come home you get them all muddy too and it turns into a great big mess.... Love isn't the only distracting emotion, either: getting caught up in pain or grief or righteous wrath will necessarily distract you from your partners.... Don't let emotions make you stupid.

Reach out to your extended network. ...Stay connected with your existing friends; if you have lots of romantic involvements, it's easy to get so overscheduled that you don't make room for platonic friendships.... Take a moment to think about what would happen in an emergency. If your partner is at her boyfriend's house and she falls down the stairs and hits her head, you want her boyfriend to call you on the way to the hospital, right? So at the very least, make up an emergency contact list with everyone's number on it and distribute it.... Beyond that basic level, it's nice to form connections with others who have something very important in common with you... and if you become close friends, they can be there for mutually supportive bitchfests ("Does he leave his socks in your living room too?" "Oh my God, does he ever!").... Reach out to your extended network.

Read the whole thing. This is one to bookmark and pass along.

The "Symbol Over Substance mistake"

The Stranger (Seattle)

More thoughtful advice from Seattle alt-advice columnist Mistress Matisse:

There are rules in polyamory that are like training wheels. They're helpful when you're starting out, but once you have the hang of multiple love relationships, they create problems rather than solve them. Consider what I call the Symbol Over Substance mistake....

Read the whole article (Dec. 26, 2007).

Poly rules couples use

The Stranger (Seattle)

Alt-columnist Mistress Matisse lists 20 dating-and-mating rules that poly couples of her acquaintance have agreed to follow. Or not.

What I’m giving you here are not Official Poly Rules You Must Obey. They are simply examples of the kinds of things you might agree to. Hopefully these will provide you with a jumping-off place for your own discussion.

• Certain days/times are always reserved for us to be together alone.

• We agree to use safer sex practices, and we specify exactly what that means.

• I must approve your new partner before you sleep with him/her.

• We’re a package deal — we only date/have sex as a couple.

• No sexual behavior with other people in front of me....

...As you can see, you won’t adopt all these rules, and they speak to very different ways of being poly. And no matter what rules you set, if you keep doing poly, they will evolve and change as you gain experience. When you’re first venturing into new territory, having rules can make people feel safer. Eventually, however, most poly rules wind up being made to be broken — but only when you both want them to be.

Read the whole list (Oct. 31, 2007).

Frankly, to me some of them sound more explosive than the problems they're supposed to prevent. Boundaries are good to declare and respect — but fears and insecurities need to be addressed at their root, say I, and rules that you set up to protect your fears and insecurities should be seen as temporary band-aids, not as cures. And be aware that an un-aired wound under a band-aid may fester.

On the other hand, here are six sound agreements, IMHO:

• Communicate everything all around that might be important to the relationship.

• If you're afraid to say it, that means you should say it (tip o' the hat to Marcia Baczynski).

• Listening is to be done in a respectful way that encourages further divulging.

• Any agreement that is in effect is not to be broken, period.

• Any agreement can be opened for rediscussion at any time. (And the agreements should be reviewed periodically — at the start of every even-numbered month? — regardless.)

• Anyone may end an agreement unilaterally by leaving the relationship. (This is simple reality, but good to spotlight upfront.)

Oh yes, take notes — and save them where all parties can find and reread them in a pinch.

Thoughts?