The Showtime Polyamory series: Taking Stock

There's no news to report —— yet —— on Showtime's possible renewal of Polyamory: Married and Dating for a second season. But director/producer Natalia Garcia, who is energetically seeking additional poly families and groups to interview, says "the search is going really well." Showtime's decision will depend in part on who she can present to them.

If you missed some or all of the series, it's available for only through November 6th from Showtime On Demand (on TV) or Showtime Anytime (on a computer, tablet or phone if you have a participating cable provider). In either case you have to subscribe to Showtime on cable for a few dollars a month; check how soon you can cancel. In Canada it's on demand from The Movie Network.

The series becomes unavailable in the U.S. after November 6th. It's not on DVD yet, but Showtime seems to issue all their programs on DVD eventually.

Click here for trailers of all episodes.

More than a month after the series ended, the show and its star quad received a nice writeup in a San Diego regional magazine:

The Three-Way of Love

San Diego's polyamory community goes national

By Brook Larios

Season after season of not-so-real housewives doing not-so-interesting things, and we’ve finally struck gold with a show that follows the lives of four real San Diegans living and loving each other in a not-so-typical way....

“The show was so good that people can’t really criticize it too much,” [quad member Michael] McClure says. “Watching [it], they can really see that there’s love and that we’re building families. We’re really committed, family people.”...

“I have nothing against monogamy,” McClure says. “I think it’s a great paradigm, and it’s beautiful when people are dedicated, committed couples. What I don’t like is the dishonesty I see in monogamous relationships, where people can’t say they’re attracted to that person walking by or their secretary at work.”...

Whether the series is picked up for a second season remains to be seen, but the first seven episodes provide enough fodder for a glorious discourse over what constitutes a healthy relationship.

“I think people should be able to choose if they want to marry either sex or multiple people, [Tahl] Gruer says. “If people have more options, there will be less misery. There’s a lot of misery around people being forced into little boxes.”...

Read the whole article (in Pacific Magazine San Diego, Sept. 27, 2012).

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So... has polyamory's big debut into mainstream entertainment TV been a good thing?

Opinions on poly discussion lists have been strong and divided from the start.

Some, including me, think the series is a real advance. We got a clear, basically accurate, enthusiastic portrayal of what poly is all about from a passionately sympathetic director. The show humanized us, and it displayed its stars' good intentions and ideals and their conscious communication work. It demonstrated that this life is even possible. In exchange, I'm willing to accept the imperfections and drama among the people portrayed, and the R-rated nudity and group sex scenes in most of the episodes. I thought these brief scenes were handled thoughtfully and respectfully in ways that showed an important part of the relationships.

And, the show sure boosted Google hits to this site.

Other people think otherwise. They feel the show represented them poorly or not at all, and that the sex and nudity scenes will make it harder for them to come out to family and friends. Some express contempt for commercial TV and the whole entertainment industry, reality docu-dramas in particular, sometimes without having seen the show.

Shawnphilly, a thoughtful poly blogger in the atheist/skeptic movement, writes about the coming-out problem at polyskeptic.com:

Coming out poly in light of mainstream images

I’m out.... But I’m concerned how the show will affect coming out for the rest of us.

I have a hypotheses that when a fringe or minority idea, group, etc., comes into the mainstream, it almost always has serious misrepresentations attached to it. Anyone serious about understanding the minority worldviews, upon its being portrayed in the mainstream, needs to do some personal research to get to the reality beneath the sexed-up mainstream presentation.

The people in the Showtime series are not “bad” representations of polyamory; they seem at least mostly realistic and genuine. But what I think most people will take away from watching the series is that polyamory is a lot of sex with young, hot people all the time. And, I’m sure, for some people it is just that. At least, it is for a little while. I certainly had a lot more sex, with more people, in the beginning of my polyamorous life.

I’ve been around many polyamory meetups, a few parties, and have talked with poly people form various backgrounds over the last several years. The Showtime series, while somewhat good at presenting the open and honest form of communication between the people, is very focused on sex.... In my poly life nakedness and sex are not ubiquitous, and I think that’s probably true for most polyamorous people.

But I’m not here to analyze the saturation of nakedness in mainstream portrayal of polyamory, but rather the effect that such things have on other poly people, especially those who may be thinking about coming out to their family, friends, etc. My thought is that while such shows may give some context and grounding of what polyamory is to a larger audience, it also creates a stereotype with which we will be associated.

...So now when people I know see me, they will associate that overly-sexualized perpetual orgy with what I mean when I say I’m polyamorous.

According to some people Gina knows, she has like 15 husbands (and she has not introduced me to 14 of them!). My mom (hi mom) thinks, or at least thought, that I was just going to keep adding women to my life... and when I have 500 lovers, my wife will leave me knowing her turn won’t come around for a year and a half or some shit....

Yuck.

...What I think Showtime should have done was to include a family who are less sex-driven, and more about focusing on relationships. Or at least de-emphasized the sex. But then, of course, less people would watch it, right?

...Making it look like sex is the thing that polyamory is about will cause people to overlook the emotional work that needs to be done, not just for the sake of having more sex with more people, but for the sake of becoming a more mature and capable adult.... What Showtime’s series seems to leave out is the work it takes to get where those people are; it gives a glimpse of where we all could be, but not how to get there.

Read his whole article (Oct. 2, 2012).

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But either way, it's out of our hands. We don't run the entertainment industry. What we can do is try to educate people in the industry who show interest, feed them good people and ideas, and work with them to shape things to the extent possible. Garcia has gained an online reputation as prickly and dismissive of criticism. Nevertheless, for this pioneer show we lucked out. God knows what Hollywood's next polyamory series will be like.

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Q&A with Polyamory producer Natalia Garcia

Natalia Garcia, executive director/producer of the Polyamory: Married and Dating series, is trying to put together her best possible pitch to the Showtime network for them to renew it for a second season. Toward this end, she's seeking to interview poly families and less formal poly groups to be part of the show if it is renewed, or at least for background. The families we saw in the first season may also be back.

Garcia tells what she needs, given Showtime's frankly commercial requirements, in my previous post and in emails going around poly lists. Much discussion is ensuing.

Natalia Garcia (second from right) with the San Diego quad from Season 1.

Here's some online Q&A that I just did with her.

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Polyamory in the News: Congratulations for pulling off the series as well as you did. It was a pretty damn amazing thing to watch, all issues aside. What we all want to know is, will Showtime renew for a second season? When do they decide?

Garcia: First, I have to tell you how much I love your website, you're a good writer! And thank you for your support. I'm very proud of the show and what we accomplished. We are discussing what next season would look like — IF we get a next season. Sho is curious about other forms of poly and wants to see what's out there. Whether we come back with the same families or add new ones or new families only, we don't know. My hope is to continue the Polyamory conversation into the mainstream for another season. And to be clear, it's not so much a casting call as it is research and development.

I hear that most first-season shows don't get renewed....

That tends to be the case for scripted shows mostly, or in docu-reality [like our show] if the show didn't do well. Our show did really well — especially in social media. But Showtime knows their brand and they have been very successful at it, so I trust they know what they're doing. And IF we don't come back, we have to applaud Showtime for completely embracing this show when every other network in town loved the idea but were too afraid to touch it. Showtime is a trailblazer network, I take my hat off to them.

Any chance they'll go for hour-long episodes this time instead of 30 minutes? I heard frustrations from the families on the show that the episodes were too short to go into the depth they would have liked.

Yes, I would love to do an hour show as well — that was the original pitch. Everything is being discussed, we will have to see what other families come forward and what Showtime will decide.

What sort of feedback has the network given you about the series?

Sho loves the series. They were fascinated. They are big fans.

How well did it do for them?

It did very well for their 11 pm time slot and for it being a new series with barely any promotion, aside from their own network promos. We were all pleased with its performance.

How did you locate the families? Frankly, they're the very picture of the "impossible" requirements that TV shows have been asking that Loving More, for instance, or the Poly Media Association, provide for them: Long-term poly families who are *also* young, *and also* have kids, *and* all live together, *and* are all totally out to everyone in their lives, *and* are all slim, trim, and beautiful with camera presence — and for crying out loud, in this case they were willing to get naked and make love on national television?! For their parents and everyone to see? We always said "that's impossible." How did you *find* them?

I found the families with tons of research and outreach. Deborah, of the Southern California meetup, was instrumental in getting me accepted by the SoCal poly community. What's fascinating to me is this notion in the poly community that there are no beautiful people. It's strange. Also, everyone needs to understand Showtime has a very specific demographic which skews younger. The way MTV would never make a show about seniors — it's not their audience. All other criticisms, I feel are personal projections.

Okay, diversity. A lot of people in the poly community have criticized the show for putting on only young white California people, rather than a more normal mix of ages, bodies, and races. Are you looking to broaden the picture for a second season?

I looked far and wide, across the country for all colors of poly folks, and these were the families that were willing to come forward. So absolutely, I would love to have more diversity.

A lot of people watching have became deeply attached to the stories of the first season's two families. If there's a second season, will they be back?

I hope so. We are all one big family now, it would be sad not to do this with them again.

What's been the best part of this whole experience for you?

The best part was hanging out with the families. I was constantly learning how to be a better communicator because of them.

And the worst?

When the show finally aired, I had some "post-partum" depression about my "baby" being born. It was a challenging time for me.

I would like to add some parameters of the families I'm looking for: 25 to 50, camera friendly, and open to letting us into the bedroom. All male, all female, V's — all poly formations are welcome. They should have or try to watch the series to understand what would be expected of them. Also, if people could send a picture when they inquire, that helps me keep track of everyone — and there's a lot people to keep track of! Please email me at natstertv@yahoo.com.

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Casting call for possible 2nd season of Showtime's Polyamory

As regular readers know, I feel that Showtime's Polyamory: Married & Dating reality series was a big step forward for introducing the concepts and ideals of poly to the wider world, and for humanizing us to the public. I think other issues with the show were secondary; realistically we could hardly have asked for more. In particular, we lucked out with the show's producer/director Natalia Garcia, who believes in the series and its message passionately.

Natalia Garcia (front, center) with the San Diego quad during the first season.

So, I've offered to post her call for poly families who'd like to be interviewed to appear in a possible second season. (Showtime has made no decision about renewing the series yet.)

She writes:

Hello community,

This is Natalia, creator/director of Showtime's Polyamory: Married & Dating. Thank you all for your amazing support with the show, it means the world to me.

I'm reaching out in hopes of speaking with poly families interested in possibly sharing their story with me. I'm looking for polyamorous families that are charismatic, healthy, active; can be unmarried but practicing poly (don't all have to live together); bisexuality is welcome in both male and female partners; and are open to sharing all aspects of their love lives. Families in Canada are welcome as well.

As I think you have seen, I am a person of integrity and my intent is to portray polyamorists as loving, mature adults who are capable of carrying on multiple loving relationships in a world that has programmed us for monogamy. I've had so many people reach out to me, mono people struggling in their relationships telling me the show changed their lives for the better. Despite what Dr. Drew said [on a daytime TV show as noted here], I believe 100% that Polyamory is a sustainable way of living — and I would like to continue the pro-Polyamory conversation in the mainstream.

If you are interested in speaking with me, I would love to hear from you. Please email me at natstertv@yahoo.com. Thanks again, much love to everyone, I look forward to speaking with some of you!

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Kamala Devi: "How a Reality Show Altered My Reality"

Still no word on whether the Showtime cable network will do a second season of Polyamory: Married and Dating. The first season's seven episodes ended three weeks ago. Cold fact: most new shows are not renewed. According to the Neilsen ratings, the final episode had 209,000 viewers. I don't know if that number is good or bad for a late-night, paid-premium cable show.

Meanwhile, Kamala Devi of the quad family in the show has posted "Top Ten Ways the Polyamory Series Changed my Life". It's her most revealing account of the experience.



If the series had a leader figure, it was Kamala (second from right above). Among other things she discusses how the family of four was shaken, changed, and bound together anew by the experience of displaying everything before the cameras — intimate relationships, lovemaking, strengths, weak places, and personal flaws they did not quite know they had. A few excerpts:

How a Reality Show Altered My Reality: Top Ten Ways the Polyamory Series Changed my Life!

...Unlike in most reality TV, I was happy to learn that our docu-series was not set up, scripted, or edited radically out of context. Ultimately, however, this half-hour show can only capture a mere snapshot of the complexity of our love lives with 13 minutes per family, per week.

...#8. Average people are hearing about Polyamory, and getting a sense of what it means.... You can imagine my relief when the show finally hit the air and people started talking, blogging and tweeting about it. It’s fun to watch Polyamory go from only being conversed about at sci-fi conferences and renaissance fairs to becoming all the buzz during corporate coffee breaks.

#7. Friends, family and even strangers feel entitled to express their advice on what I should do. Of course, when I put myself in the public eye, I expected a certain degree of controversy, but I didn’t expect Showtime could magically turned Polyamory into an armchair spectators sport. Admittedly, if I weren’t personally involved in this project, I probably would not reserve my humble opinion as a poly activist either.... It’s surprising how personally attached and deeply pained people are by what happens on the show.

I’m working hard to have compassion for those who seem to have no idea how the media works. They seem to take every word as gospel; as if whatever was captured on camera must be “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” And that there is no space behind the scenes, or off camera, where we might self reflect, change our minds, or learn from what was just said....

#6. I am forever bonded with my lovers.... Having cameras in our home (and especially in our bedrooms) became a powerful spiritual practice that allowed us to better observe the ego. When a handful of lovers agree to join us in this conscious experiment, the result was alchemy that inextricably bonded everyone involved. Through the process we all learned to be better communicators, we broadened our perspectives and sometimes even saw our issues from outside ourselves. (I recommend everybody try this: the next time you get into an argument... set a camera up, press record, then post it on youtube to see what you learn about yourself ;)

Letting the camera crew witness our lovemaking added yet another level of vulnerability as well as personal growth. It was a truly powerful practice to help dissolve insecurity, body issues and sex shame. One of the most frequent critiques of the show is “you make polyamory seem as if it’s all about sex!” Admittedly, I value sex, a lot, and as a sex educator I likely have more of it than the average poly person. By design, this show is late-night, adult-programing, so it might focus on us making out for a disproportionate percentage of our 13 minutes, but where else does the American public get to watch real people who love each other make love without guilt, or shame?

...I remember that several years ago, I made a pact with the universe: I promised to tell the truth, not just to the IRS or my lovers, but to anybody who was seeking it. I have since been practicing total transparency. I believe it was because of this commitment not to lie, withhold, or deceive anyone, that my director Natalia Garcia found us [and] consequently sold the project to BermanBraun and Showtime.

I was skeptical of Hollywood at first, but I now see reality TV as the epitome of vulnerability and have come to understand why anthropologist Margaret Mead reviewed the first documentary style TV show “as new and as significant as the invention of the drama or the novel — a new way in which people can learn to look at life.”

...It was hard to step off my soap box and work through my own jealousy, judgments and possessiveness on camera. This work has evolved me from a teacher to a role model who has to walk her talk. Now I have taken it upon myself to let the community see me fuck up so that they can learn from my mistakes. ;)

...The process of living on camera has been the deepest personal growth course, like grad school for me and my lovers.... And I’ve taken copious notes! To help other lovers not have to repeat our mistakes, my pod and I are creating a community manifesto....

Those are just bits. Read the whole article (Sept. 11, 2012).

Incidentally: if you missed any or all of the series, most cable subscribers can sign up for Showtime briefly and watch it via Showtime on Demand — but only through November 6th, then it vanishes.

Or, I hear you can go to www.sho.com, sign up for a risk-free trial period of Showtime Anytime, and watch all 7 episodes on your computer.

P.S.: Kamala has posted her response letter to fan mail and other inquiries (Sept. 15, 2012).

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The final Showtime Polyamory episode

Season 1 of Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating concluded last night with Episode 7. Warning: Spoilers ahead.

It's midnight. We see Tahl sneaking out of bed while Jen sleeps. He steps outdoors and over to Kamala and Michael's side of the house. When Kamala asks him whether Jen is away, he says yes. This is important: they all know that Jen and Tahl have an agreement that he will spend nights with her when she's home. So, I was wrong earlier in saying Kamala and Michael were being complicit in his sneaking. The rule isn't for no sex, it's for no spending the night away from Jen unless she's out of the house.

And they all make love. In a side comment, Kamala tells the camera how sweet it is to have the two guys in her together at once, like one "supercock."

Next morning: Jen wakes up — alone. Goes looking for Tahl. And finds him in the others' bed:



Right after the video clip above: "I have one fucking boundary — one boundary! — since I've been living here. And you can’t honor that?!"

Speaking of boundaries... notice how Kamala immediately offers Jen a hug, Jen says she actually doesn't feel like a hug right now, and Kamala comes over and does it anyway? Urk. A lot of us have had a lot of boundary training about things like hugs.

Two hours to the north in Los Angeles, the Lindsey-Vanessa-Anthony triad are outside in the sun discussing ideas for their wedding ceremony. Lindsey: "We're pioneers, We're almost making it up as we go along." Vanessa wants to enlist Kamala and her mad ceremony skills. The discussion ends with Lindsey and Vanessa making love (within an inch of an NC-17 rating) while Anthony caresses and cuddles from the side.

Back to Drama House: Jen and Tahl are fighting about Tahl sneaking and then lying to Kamala and Michael. Your basic walking-around couple's fight — he weasels about whether he really lied (yes he did), then gets into how she has so many rules and that whenever he tries to bring this up, she shuts him down. But, right now she just wants to be alone for a while. He leaves.

And in walks Kamala to talk Jen into coming along to Los Angeles for the triad's group-wedding planning, as was originally intended, because "I can't just go off and do this while my house is having chaos" (quotes are not necessarily exact). Kamala goes on to say she feels she'll have to skip it herself if Jen won't come. Pressure, maybe?

There follows an awful, tense, silent, two-hour car ride of the four of them, "the worst car ride ever" says Tahl in a side comment.

Michael, attempting humor: "So, how about them Padres?"

In the triad's sunny back yard, Kamala works with the three to create a handfasting ceremony with a triangle of their hands holding each others' wrists. They love it.



They were planning to hold the ceremony all alone, it now turns out. Kamala asks if the quad can be witnesses, since they're going through troubled times themselves (pushy maybe?). The trio glance around at each other and say yes.

On the big day, the triad show up all in red. They are spectacular. "A revolutionary color," explains Vanessa. "It means we're passionate and unafraid." Hands bound in a triangle with a white sash, they say their vows in unison, ending with, "I vow to commit myself to these people until the end of time."

And remember their three-way ring-tattoo plan? They've changed the design. At the tattoo parlor, we see the striking new result being applied: three black lines around the finger, with a red star "for revolution." It's beautiful. (Sorry I have no pix!)

Back among the quad: Jen and Tahl have had it all out — his lying, her restrictive rules. He has groveled and promised never to lie again, "cross my heart and hope to die." She has agreed that he can have one night a week away if it's scheduled in advance. She tells us she decided "it's not worth throwing away" their two years together as a quad just because of people's mistakes.

As the show draws to its end, in their final statements Kamala is joyous with relief: "Bring it on! We can get through anything together!" Jen is more circumspect: "It will take time to see if this is the right decision. I'll decide that then." (Not necessarily exact quotes.)

The filming of the show ended months ago. For now it looks like Jen has stayed; the quad just did a TV appearance on HLN's Dr. Drew Show together and just went to a filming for the Ricki Lake Show. Jen is sporting new blue hair. I hope the others are accommodating her wishes better and that Kamala has taken on board not to try to run things so much. Although I have to admit, the times when we've seen her being pushy, the directions of push have always turned out to be right ones as far as we've seen. But with what collateral damage?

Will the show be renewed for a second season? Producer-director Natalia Garcia says Showtime hasn't announced a decision.

Photo: Michael posted yesterday, "Gone with the Polys. This is the historic set for Gone with the Wind. Ricki Lake show shot next door."

Also: The quad has rented the Victory Theater in San Diego this Sunday evening, August 26, for a season finale viewing party of the final episodes, followed by a Q&A discussion with the cast and the director. I wish I were there.

The quad's Facebook fanpage.

Anthony and Vanessa of the triad are interviewed on KPFA public radio. (Starts at 1:30; 30 minutes long. Available until Sept. 9, 2012.) They are delighted with the series's director and with the effectiveness it has had for outreach and education despite the limitations of the reality-TV medium. Vanessa: "This is a show that is trying to start the conversation, not to be any kind of completion." We also hear more of their revolutionary/political side. They get a better chance here than on the show to reveal their smartness and depth.

Congratulations to all seven for their bravery, dedication, perseverance, and resolution to show their innermost hearts and natures to a critical world.

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Best yet: the Coming Out episode on Showtime's Polyamory

Last Thursday's episode of Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating (Episode 6, "Radical Honesty," the next to last) shows our triad and quad families making dreaded visits to the parents of three of their members to come out as poly. It's the best, most serious, most moving episode yet.

The show's director-producer, Natalia Garcia, thinks so too. She told us, "It's extremely emotional, the families are at their rawest. I am so proud of them and I cry every time I see that episode."

Natalia Garcia (front center) with the San Diego quad.

For the moment, non-Showtime subscribers willing to watch pirated content may be able to see Episode 6 (and several others) by googling for "Polyamory: Married & Dating".

(SPOILER ALERT)

At the outset, we see Lindsey and Anthony of the triad driving north and discussing how tough it will be for the three of them to announce their poly "wedding" engagement to Anthony's mom and dad and to Lindsey's mother. "I just wish it was over."



But Anthony's mother has known their third, Vanessa, since she was a child, and has known how close the three of them have long been. As they all sit in the living room, Vanessa nervously, hesitantly takes the lead. "I have a toast to make. We just had our three-year anniversary. I asked Linds and Anth to make a life commitment. To me. To have a ceremony of some kind. So, we’re calling ourselves engaged."

And it turns out the parents are thrilled. Mom: "I’m all over this! I love weddings and celebrations!" Dad: "I’ve always felt that your commitment is sincere, serious, more perhaps than most people that I know." He is more skeptical of their plans to get matching ring-finger tattoos than anything else. He begins a dad-lecture on the permanence of tattoos if a relationship doesn't work out, and Vanessa steps in. "We could make decisions that look like a breakup, but one of the interesting things about the way poly works is that we could stay in each others lives. We’re not going to leave each other even if the relationship transitions. That’s the commitment that we’re making." Dad is wowed over.

Next up: the visit to Lindsey's mom, who turns out to be even more delighted. "I'm proud of you! It's not exactly a surprise, though." Ever since Lindsey was 18 she's known how close she and Vanessa were. "I'm gaining a daughter!" My wife Sparkle Moose, who's watching the TV with me: "Oh, it's so hard to shock boomer parents." (We are boomer parents.)

Things go harder with Tahl's parents. Tahl's wife Jen has flatly declared she thinks this is a bad move, that his mom and dad might not want to know:



Jen is especially worried that his parents— — Shlomo and Pnina, conservative, observant Jews —— might break off from her as their daughter-in-law. Nevertheless the four decide to explain their situation at Friday evening Shabbat dinner. "All my life this is when we all get together and talk about family issues," Tahl explains. "So Friday night it is."

As the four are driving over, Tahl gets a text from his father. Tahl's uncle's son in Israel has seen Tahl naked on a "swinger website." The news is all over the family. We see Tahl in another of his "Oh, fuck" moments. This will not make it easier.

After Shabbat ritual and too long a spell of strained small talk, Tahl finally mans up: "So, we talk about the elephant in the room?" He explains that after meeting Kamala and Michael three years ago they fell in love with them, and are having a relationship with them, and have moved in together.

More stunned silence. Mom to Tahl and Jen: "How can your relationship be strong when you're not a proper couple?" But she is forgiving. "Do I think it's a good thing? No. It goes against everything that I've been brought up. But the way we live and the way I live isn't necessarily what suits you. You're my child and you know that I adore you. But you're an adult, and you must do whatever is best for you… You are my oldest son. What can I tell you. We're here for you."

Dad is quieter.

Update: Kamala told me much later that we see this dinner live as it actually happened; Tahl's parents did not know what the dinner was about and only knew that a camera crew was coming along with them because the crew was making a film about the two couples' friendship. And, she said, the reason why this is the one episode with no sex or nudity is because producer Natalia Garcia wanted Tahl's parents to be able to watch it.

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Near the beginning of the episode, we see the quad on the beach helping 5-year-old Devin fly a kite. On Friday Kamala posted, "My inbox is swamped with fear related to my son's involvement in the 'coming out' episode of Polyamory. Here is my official response." More seriously, here's her essay earlier this month, Poly Parenting Philosophy: How I'm Raising My Son.

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The series has social networks and blogs abuzz, though I still haven't seen any real major-media treatments of it. A couple's-therapy team has put up this thoughtful message for people who are inspired by the show to rush into poly themselves:

With the recent debut of Showtime’s new docu-series... we’ve been getting a lot of questions about the nature of polyamory....

Our fear is that a lot of people will see the TV show — and much like the country’s reaction to the book 50 Shades of Grey — will immediately dive into “trying out” poly in their own relationships. Keep in mind that bringing new people into your currently monogamous relationship IS NOT the same as reading 50 Shades and deciding to try a few kinky games with your partner. Polyamory is not something people can try, like taking golf lessons. Poly partners are people, not golf clubs you can sell at a garage sale if you figure out you’re no good at it. Our advice for couples who watch the TV show and find themselves intrigued by the concept of consensual non-monogamy is to NOT try this at home — not until you’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of talking....

They go on to lay out some wise questions to ask and think about. Read the whole article. This deserves to be spread.

From a long article on the website of Colorado's 303 Magazine ("Fashion. Culture. Style."):

Even though polyamory may have become a household word since the recent premiere of Showtime’s reality series Polyamory: Married & Dating, my spell check continues to reject the word. So in case you’ve been living under a rock the past few years, perhaps I should define it.... I think we all have much to learn from the concept of polyamory.

...Dr. Anapol told me that she believes polyamory is about allowing the truth of the relationship to define the form it takes, rather than some traditional and unexamined idea of what a committed relationship should look like. “If people are consciously choosing monogamy they will be much more satisfied than if they are doing it just because their parents or our society has deemed monogamy the only way to live”....

Justin Clark writes at the movie site Chud.com:

Generally, I have slightly more regard for the 6 month old burrito inexorably stuck to the bottom of my apartment's garbage dumpster than I do for reality TV, but found out just yesterday they decided to go make one about my own particular alternative lifestyle of choice....

Show got off to kind of a rocky start, with the VAST amounts of group sex scenes and the triad couple already getting into some drama regarding someone dating outside the group, both the stereotypical image people get when they think about these relationships, but the ship has righted itself. ACTUAL relationship issues have reared themselves, and all of them have been handled with love, understanding, and a ton of straightforward communication; there's a ton of sweet moments between the couples, and their family members....

The last episode had three members of the cast coming out to their parents, and it's immensely touching and satisfying to see how it all plays out. My mother still doesn't know, and that might not be likely to change... but to see that it really is not just terribly similar to coming out as gay, but that there was love and support from the parents no matter what, was quite heartening.

So, yeah. Show's good, deserves some attention, here and elsewhere, and it's probably done more to show polyamory in a positive, respectful light than any other piece of mainstream media so far.

A poly mom's observations on Episode 6 compared to her own coming out:

...After some research on the net, [I discover that] Jen actually works with Tahl's parents. Yea that is going to be fun going into the office the next day....

Kamala, I know you have a really good heart but you came off mean when not reckoning Jen's concerns. I will blame it on the editing (or maybe not).

...On a personal note: Coming out is not easy. I have family members and dear friends who know about my life and it makes it awkward to be around them because they dont understand. I have been called a disgrace, a slut, a whore, a sex addict, and I have even had an intervention done. Anne Rice in Exit to Eden said - "You only hurt the ones you love when you tell them something which may they won't or can't understand." ...While I am very envious of the Triad's [parents'] reaction - the reaction of Tahl's parents was more real.

She also writes I would like to apologize to the cast of Polyamory: Married and Dating for harshness in an earlier post.

A non-poly blogger's observations:

For the summer, Showtime has come up with a new way to reel me in.... In last night’s episode, Lindsey and Tahl decided to “come out” to their parents. Tahl is from a Jewish/Zimbabwean home and was petrified about having the conversation with his ultra conservative parents, while Lindsey was not sure what to expect from her mum. Whether it was for TV or not and I would like to hope that it was not, I was extremely touched by each parents’ level of acceptance of their children...

The most comprehensive reviews of the series — with a detailed plot synopsis of each episode, thoughtful commentary, and links to other reviews — continue to be the ones being posted by Jessica Karels at Modern Poly: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Jessica also notes,

Go to the show's Facebook page and Like them... you'll get to see some of the interesting conversations between the show's viewers and the cast. There have been a couple of conversations where viewer perceptions of what's going on differ from the messages that were intended with the show. I also recommend investigating GetGlue, a social media tool for sharing what books, music, and TV shows you're interested in.

There's already a page for Polyamory: Married & Dating, with a fairly active discussion.

UPDATE: Here's a nice interview with Jessica herself. Pass it on for people new to the idea of poly.)

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The final Episode 7 airs this Thursday, August 23. It looks like the triad, which started the series on the shakiest ground of the two families, is going to have a fairy-tale happy ending, while the quad, which started the season at the top of their game with two longtime poly experts among the four, is now Officially In Trouble:



Will Jen finally walk? Should she?

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If you are in driving distance of San Diego, you can discuss the situation, and the ultimate outcome after the series was filmed, with the quad itself! Kamala and friends have rented the Victory Theater this Sunday evening, August 26, for a season finale viewing party of Episodes 5, 6 and 7, followed by a discussion session with director-producer Natalia Garcia and the members of the quad.

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As Showtime's Polyamory nears its wrapup...

Here's a bunch of new material on Showtime's groundbreaking series Polyamory: Married and Dating. Episode 5 just aired, out of the 7 that are scheduled.

First, some recaps:

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After a low-excitement but educational Episode 3 (showing a lot of poly relationship discussions and negotiations), tension and drama return in Episode 4.



We see the Vanessa-Lindsey-Anthony triad go through a crucial turning point in its three-year existence. Vanessa plans to get down on her knee and propose that Anthony and Lindsey (who are married) "marry" her too. With a public ceremony, an exchange of vows and rings, and by the three of them presenting themselves to the world as a unit henceforth.

She springs her surprise on them at a formal dinner in a restaurant in front of a gathering of their closest friends.

I'm reminded of the guys who propose to their girlfriends at baseball games on TV, with the announcer cheering them on, a microphone in her face, the scoreboard displaying their closeups, and 30,000 spectators hollering.

Baaaad poly, say I.

[Update: Anthony has posted that in fact the three of them had discussed the marriage proposal at some length beforehand. I guess this is an example of how you never know what the video editing has done to the reality.]

In the trailers, we've already seen a flash of Anthony's distressed-looking reaction: "Holy shiiiit."

But in the actual scene, we see that post initial shock, Anthony and Lindsey are screamingly delighted. (We've seen the two of them already talking privately about making it a group marriage.) Vanessa puts inscribed paper rings on the fingers of all three, and announces that they'll all have these "rings" tattooed on their fingers. Remind me never to get in a relationship with someone who requires I get their tattoo. But they all seem delighted with the idea as a symbol of their commitment forever and ever. Phew. Vanessa sure lucked out.

They and two of their dearest friends at the proposal dinner celebrate that night with a happy fivesome in one big bed.

Meanwhile, at the Kamala-Michael-Tahl-Jen quad: Kamala has been working through her feelings of possessiveness and jealousy pretty impressively. She has decided to set Michael up with a "tea and chat" date with her utterly hot special girlfriend Roxanne, whom Michael has long been interested in. All goes well. We see Kamala processing at home with Jen and Tahl while the date is in friendly, kissy progress. These people generally seem to know what they're doing better than the triad.



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Episode 5 aired on Thursday and is now re-airing. It is the first in which the two groups meet.

Jen in the quad, who was the most reluctant to merge households, has been feeling out of sorts with the new group-living situation. She feels she's losing touch with Tahl and is no longer running her own home (true on both counts). To help the transition, Kamala and crew organize a housewarming party as a way of announcing to their friends and the San Diego poly community that the household is now the equal home of four.

Immediately there's a problem. Tahl wants to invite an old ex whom he once lied about to Jen and "fucked up with." Jen doesn't want to see her, doesn't want her coming into her home. Long discussion short: Tahl declares "This is where I’m drawing the line. This is all our house, and I’m not going to be told who I can’t have in the house." Kamala, who should know better, butts in rather than out. Upshot: Jen backs down as usual. The more I see of Tahl the less I like him.

But in the end it goes well. As pretty much everything among these people eventually does. The old ex brings Jen flowers. They all have a good time through the evening.

The party is also, in part, the biweekly San Diego poly discussion group. We learn that this is the first contact with the wider poly community that Anthony, Vanessa, and Lindsey have had! No wonder they've been blundering like newbies in the wilderness. They're nervous as they drive there, hoping that they'll find community where they can connect and draw wisdom and support, but are prepared for disappointment. They come away thrilled to have found even more than they hoped.



A new topic is coming up with them, and they bring it up to the discussion group. Should Lindsey come out to her birth family? Her folks are the last ones in their group to know....

And, we will soon find out, Tahl feels it's time for him to some out to his parents too. Jen once again looks glum: "I think it's a bad idea. Why do they need to know? I mean, I bet they don't even want to know." Stay tuned for Episode 6:



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The show's director-producer, Natalia Garcia, tells us that Episode 6 (coming up this Thursday August 16) is especially dear to her heart. She writes,

I will say that my favorite episode is Episode 6 -- "Radical Honesty." It's extremely emotional, the families are at their rawest. I am so proud of them and I cry every time I see that episode. I hope everyone catches that one.

My own view remains that for all the imperfections and humanity of the cast, the show is the best thing that has happened for public understanding of polyamory in ages.

For that matter, it models thoughtful relationship work in general better than anything I recall on TV.

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Meanwhile, lots of noteworthy stuff has accumulated since my last post about the show.

Jessica Karels' summaries and commentaries at Modern Poly continue: Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

She writes, "I watch the show anywhere from 3 to 6 times in the process of writing my reviews. My husband and his girlfriend keep having the luck of walking in either right before or during one of the sex scenes. The household joke is that me 'writing the review' is an excuse to watch softcore poly-porn ;)"

She has also posted a collection of online reactions to Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating as of July 21, with discussion. And she plans an interview with the show's triad.

A review of the show by Team Triad, "three lovely people who love each other...and love to talk."

TheBlackLeatherBelt is a poly/kinky gal named Lily who's posting satirical but detailed summaries of each episode, including dialog — because "you see, children, on the West Coast they have Tantra. And here on the East Coast, we have Snark." Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Update: 6, 7.

Listen to Cunning Minx's and Lusty Guy's thought-provoking audio review of the series on Minx's Polyamory Weekly podcast, Episode #329: "Reality: Polyamory on Showtime" (July 31, 2012). Show notes. Minx and Guy make a great podcast pair.

Says Time Warner Cable's RoadRunner site:

You Can Love Polyamory Without Other Shows Getting Jealous

...Don't tune in expecting wild swinging debauchery, though. Polyamory focuses on how these complex relationships work through carefully laid boundaries between each person. Though this sometimes causes the show to drag in places, there's still that "LOOK HOW WEIRD FACTOR" keeping you glued to the screen.

A writer at the feminist ontheragmag.com is fascinated and freaked and wants Jen to run away.

In Trenton, New Jersey, a newspaper columnist stuck in old culture freaks out completely.

Anthony of the show's triad posts on Facebook (Aug. 4, 2012):

After looking today at the incredible number of tweets about Polyamory: Married and Dating, and reading all these people who'd never heard of it, are thinking about these things for the first time, and how important and monumentous of a moment that is for the civil rights and social legitimacy of poly people, I feel really grateful to and proud of Showtime, the production company BermanBraun, and the creator Natalia Garcia for taking the risk. I wish the poly community members who nitpick about the "message it's sending" would step back and realize it did something huge and unprecedented just by putting the word in countless people's mouths for the first time.

In that regard, Polyamory in the News is getting about 150 extra visitors a day from people googling for the show.

On the other hand, the show is making fewer waves in the media that I expected. The Gawker review is the only serious notice I've seen in even semi-major, semi-mainstream media.

Can't get Showtime? Here are all the official video clips from the series, adding up to about 18 minutes of trailers so far (August 11). They're faster-paced than the actual show but give a pretty good look at what's going on, minus most of the sex scenes.

But my favorite clip isn't there; it's the one from the quad's relationship-agreement discussion at the top of the Gawker review, here. If there's one clip from the series to show people what poly life is about, this is it.

Here are all my posts about the series (including this one; scroll down).

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"Showtime’s Polyamory Is Trashy, Profound and the Best Reality Show on TV"

Gawker.com

This review, written by an outsider to poly on an important website covering the media industry, illustrates the power of the Showtime series (which just aired its third episode) to put our concepts into mainstream play.

Showtime’s Polyamory Is Trashy, Profound and the Best Reality Show on TV

By Rich Juzwiak

Just as the concept of polyamory is many things to many people, so is Showtime's current series Polyamory: Married & Dating. It's alternately hilarious, shocking, poignant, titillating and cringe-inducing. But it's also important.

...It works not just as the freak show that we've come to expect from reality TV, but also on a political level. The slippery slope anti-equality argument stating that if gays are allowed to marry, then soon we'll have to allow multiple partners to as well, is bullshit not just for side-stepping the issue.... There is no legitimate ethical argument against the kind of configurations you see presented on Polyamory. If you don't want polyamory, stay out of a triad. Simple.

...The lives portrayed here are perfectly suited for the format. Reality TV typically forces its participants to examine themselves closely.... At the very least, [they] are made to sit through marathon interviews picking apart the nuances of their behavior and its motivation. Never have I seen a situation that naturally fits this format as well as that of Showtime's currently airing. As Tahl explains in the video above, "Jen and I have our rules. Mike and Kamala have their rules, but now not only are you just bringing two couples together – it's a four-way dynamic. And so, it makes it more complicated." With their intricate configuration, these people would have to openly and routinely examine their and their partners' emotional situations, with or without cameras pointed at them. The show was already going on.

The emotional articulation of the four described people makes for riveting viewing – not since the early days of The Real World have I been so obsessed with watching people sit around and babble about themselves and their lives, nor have I so deeply lamented that they only do it for 30 minutes once a week. Their self-consumption is infectious.

Keeping track of the rules makes this non-competition series something of a game. As it unfurls steadily, slowly revealing new offshoot scenarios that can affect or avoid the central relationship dynamic, Polyamory builds intrigue.... At one point, when Kamala is riding Tahl, she asks, "Do you need me to slow down, Jen?" Jen responds, "Um," and then murmurs yes, spoiling the entire point of everything.

...You could create a drinking game... from just taking a shot every time someone says something that was spawned from, and exists only in, this universe (Kamala: "When Michael said that I was acting monogamous, I was like, who are you talking about? I'm the queen of poly. Who are you calling mono?"). Even better is the poly lingo. The male-female-female thruple of Anthony, Lindsay (a married couple) and Vanessa (their girlfriend) regularly say things like "honoring the function of the triad" and "new relationship energy" and, "I think you can be grateful about this pain."

...While the show illustrates the emotional complications and possible turmoil that result from loving more than one person, it humanizes those involved to a degree that we've never seen. It is at once a cautionary tale and an argument for the freedom to participate in these kinds of living/loving situations. As such, it is as complicated, strange, hilarious and involving as these situations clearly are themselves.

Read the whole review (July 26, 2012).

Go to the review and play the new 2-minute video there, from which the frame above is taken. It shows the quad having a serious poly relationship-agreement discussion out on their patio. No wonder the reviewer's mind was blown. For the first time, right on TV, it's showing the world how people can actually do this thing.

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By the way, Episode 3 last night seemed to me a bit flat. We see lots of processing and relationship check-ins among each of the two family groups, without much dramatic arc of buildup and release across the show's half hour. Viewers may wonder, do polys spend all their time talking about relationships? (When they're not having sex?) (Answer: probably more than most.)

Poly lists are having some heated discussions about whether the show represents us poorly by displaying too much drama and imperfection. Come on, people. A good show is about storytelling. That means at least some conflict, drama, and resolution, as storytellers have known since Homer. Gossip had it that the (mild) drama in Kamala's family over her not wanting to share Roxanne was deliberately exaggerated in order to meet the storytelling needs of the show; else where would be the story? (Update: Director/producer Natalia Garcia, who was there, tells us that the situation was very real and nothing was made more dramatic.)

I come away from Episode 3 confirmed in thinking that the show is a much bigger plus for us than a minus. But this is irrelevant — we can't dictate how the media treat us, we have no right to, and the horse is already out of the barn. I hope our movement is secure enough to grasp this. What we can do is do our own parts to represent ourselves well and try to influence portrayals of us favorably — respecting that the media's interests don't always align with ours and that this is as it should be. It's their job to do their own job.

---------------------------

Which brings up a practical issue. Who will be on Season 2, if Polyamory: Married & Dating is renewed? The producers will probably want to introduce new characters. Could this be you?

If you decide you'd like to try out, I strongly recommend that your first move be to contact Joreth of the Polyamory Media Association for some background realities, coaching, and advice.

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Detailed examinations of Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating

Note: Episode 3 of the series, titled "Poly Lovers," airs tonight (Thursday July 26) at 11 p.m. Eastern and Pacific times. It will be re-aired several times in the coming week; see schedule (under "Ways to Watch" and "On TV," click "All Airings").

Watch a trailer for Episode 3 below (1 minute. If this version doesn't play, you can watch it on YouTube worldwide.)

Seven episodes will air this first season of the series. Whether it's renewed for a second season will depend on how big an audience it gets — and that will depend in part on how much buzz for it you spread around.



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While I've been mostly offline in the woods at the Network for a New Culture's Summer Camp East, Jessica Karels has been doing an admirable job of covering, in depth, Showtime's new reality series Polyamory: Married and Dating. She's posting her stuff at Modern Poly ("the pulse of the polyamory movement"), which she played a large role in founding and where she's now chief technical officer.

Modern Poly, incidentally, is serious about becoming a major nexus of the community. It runs the now-indispensable Poly Group Registry of local discussion/ social/ support groups (go add yours if it's not there already), is building a stable of regular high-quality writers, and recently incorporated as a 501(c)4 nonprofit, one that is allowed to engage in political activity. Statement of purpose: "Advocating for choice in relationships and equal rights across families."

For each episode of the series Jess is providing

● A detailed plot synopsis,

● Thoughtful commentary on aspects of poly that the episode raises and how they're being presented to the public, and

● Links to all other reviews and commentary she can find.

I don't often think someone does my job better than I could, but here it is. So that's where I'll direct you for the best coverage of the Showtime series:

Polyamory: Married and Dating — Episode 1 Review

Polyamory: Married and Dating — Episode 2 Review

Also: Jessica plans interviews with members of the show's cast and possibly the director. Check back for more articles.

Some updates:

Polyamory: Married and Dating — Episode 3 Review

Polyamory: Married and Dating — Episode 4 Review

Polyamory: Married and Dating — Episode 5 Review

July 31: Jessica has just put up her promised compilation of Online Reactions to Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating, with discussion.

She writes, "I watch the show anywhere from 3 to 6 times in the process of writing my reviews. My husband and his girlfriend keep having the luck of walking in either right before or during one of the sex scenes. The household joke is that me "writing the review" is an excuse to watch softcore poly-porn ;)"

A review of the show by Team Triad, "three lovely people who love each other...and love to talk."

TheBlackLeatherBelt is a poly gal who's posting satirical but detailed recaps of all three episodes so far (with quotes) — because "you see, children, on the West Coast they have Tantra. And here on the East Coast, we have Snark." Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

Here is Cunning Minx's and Lusty Guy's audio review of the series on Minx's Polyamory Weekly podcast, Episode #329: "Reality: Polyamory on Showtime" (July 31, 2012). Show notes.

Says Time Warner Cable's RoadRunner site:

You Can Love Polyamory Without Other Shows Getting Jealous

...Don't tune in expecting wild swinging debauchery, though. Polyamory focuses on how these complex relationships work through carefully laid boundaries between each person. Though this sometimes causes the show to drag in places, there's still that "LOOK HOW WEIRD FACTOR" keeping you glued to the screen.

A writer at the feminist ontheragmag.com is fascinated and freaked and wants Jen to run away.

In Trenton, New Jersey, a newspaper columnist stuck in old culture freaks out completely.

Anthony of the show's triad posts on Facebook (Aug. 4, 2012):

After looking today at the incredible number of tweets about Polyamory: Married and Dating, and reading all these people who'd never heard of it, are thinking about these things for the first time, and how important and monumentous of a moment that is for the civil rights and social legitimacy of poly people, I feel really grateful to and proud of Showtime, the production company BermanBraun, and the creator Natalia Garcia for taking the risk. I wish the poly community members who nitpick about the 'message its sending' would step back and realize it just did something huge and unprecedented just by putting the word in countless people's mouths for the first time.

Can't get Showtime? Here are all the officially available video clips from the series, adding up to about 18 minutes of trailers and teasers so far (August 10). They're faster-paced than the actual show but give a pretty good look at what's going on, minus most of the sex scenes.

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Deborah Anapol, others assess Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating

Psychology Today blogs


Deborah Anapol can claim credit for co-founding the modern polyamory movement in the 1980s and 1990s before the word existed (along with Ryam Nearing; see my history of Loving More). Her 1992 book Love Without Limits, expanded in 1997 as Polyamory: the New Love Without Limits, was often called the movement's bible. For a while it was practically the movement's only book. So she comes with a long perspective on this thing. In recent years she has written thoughtfully on ways that it has and has not lived up to early hopes and dreams, such as in her 2010 book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Now that TV's first reality show about polyfamilies is on the air (see my previous post), Anapol offers her judgments of it on her blog at Psychology Today magazine. Bits:

...In the 80’s, 90’s and into the early 2000’s, I appeared on a lot of television talk shows and a few documentaries, mostly as an expert on polyamory, but I don’t have any experience at all with reality TV... apart from watching a few episodes of the most popular shows and talking with a half dozen producers over the years who thought that a reality TV series on polyamory would be a big hit.

None of those conversations ever led to a show getting on the air so far as I know, although a few pilots were shot and at least one contract signed. So it’s quite a breakthrough to see Polyamory: Married and Dating airing on Showtime after all these years.... I need to make it very clear that I am not involved in any way with [the] show, but I do know the San Diego cast and their community quite well....

I’ll say that Polyamory: Married and Dating is a far better portrayal of polyamory than I feared and not so good as I had hoped, judging from the first episode, which aired July 12.

...The preview for episode #2 has Kamala Devi refusing to share her new girlfriend, Roxie, with her husband Michael, again defying viewers’ preconceived notions about the likely challenges of polyamory. My insider information leads me to suspect that the Roxie drama is at least somewhat contrived, but the demands for special treatment are classic, and at the very least we see “asking for what you want” role-modeled perfectly. At any rate Michael and Kamala are both good enough actors to make it look real, but more about that later....

...In my opinion, Polyamory: Married and Dating succeeds brilliantly at introducing seven main characters in less than thirty minutes. That they manage to present a true-to-life portrait of polyamory as it’s commonly practiced along with some glimpses of hot group sex is a minor miracle. But then, this is the bonobo tribe. And it’s certainly more enjoyable than parading a poly family or two out to be interviewed by a talk show host and then letting a hostile audience have at them as was the style back in the day....

...I suspect that we’ll have to wait at least another decade to see polyamory as I’d like to see it portrayed on television, but [this] is a really great start.

Read the whole article (July 19, 2012).

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Meanwhile, I'm still away in the woods at the Network for a New Culture's Summer Camp East amid rain, daily ZEGG Forum sessions, personal-exploration workshops and impossibly full schedules with 70 of my beloved community (at least half of them poly, something that develops so naturally in a group like this). We're sharing life, relationship, and communal-living histories, skills, and insights in a geodesic dome deep in the forest — a 10-day experiment in exploring curiosity- and transparency-based community.

With no TV and text-only internet.

So if you saw Episode 2, could you post about it here in the comments?

It's raining again now — gotta check my tent.

Added July 21: Poly activist Jessica Karels at Modern Poly posts an in-depth review, with observations for the movement and links to other reviews: Polyamory: Married and Dating, Episode 1 Review.

Added July 24: Commentary on Episode 2 by Maria Padhila at Planet Waves.

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Showtime's Polyamory series begins: Impressions.

Update July 18: If you don't get Showtime, you may be able to watch the show (for now) by searching YouTube for the phrase "Polyamory: Married and Dating". This may also work for Episode 2, which airs tomorrow night July 19 (and which I'll miss -- I'm away from TV and fast internet.)

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So I just watched Episode 1 of Showtime's new reality series Polyamory: Married and Dating. We follow two families: the triad of Lindsey, Anthony (who are married) and Vanessa, and the quad of Kamala and Michael (married with 5-year-old Devin) and Tahl and Jennifer (also married; on the left in the photo above). Both groups are deeply in love and have been together long enough to have settled into their patterns and ways; we're seeing them long after the get-together stage.

First reactions:

-- Sigh of relief. The show is just as good, nonexploitive, and real as the trailers led us to hope.

-- There sure are a lot of soft-core group sex scenes. They're portrayed sweetly and briefly but frankly, as part of the ongoing relationships and discussions that are happening among everybody and as genuine expressions of shared love and playfulness — as Kamala has been telling her fan base in the last couple weeks.

-- I was struck by how the group sex sometimes functioned as it does among bonobos — as a means to diffuse group tensions and reinforce bonds among the group. Yes, couples sometimes use sex this way too. But I felt I was watching something deep in our ancient nature.

Just when the show had gone on being lovey for so long that it was in danger of looking like propaganda for poly perfection, comes the conflict. The Lindsey-Vanessa-Anthony triad is rocked by Lindsey's admission that she has totally fallen for an outside guy, Krystoff, which she tells the others awfully late in the game. The triad has rules, and while I didn't hear anyone say "No surprises," that seems to be the biggest one she broke. Vanessa, in particular, is hurt and jealous about Lindsey almost ignoring her (they are in a bi relationship) while skyping and texting to Krystoff "constantly" in giggly NRE. Vanessa and Anthony ask Lindsey to take a break from Krystoff. She resists, and we see a cut to her telling the camera that she feels that her thing with Krystoff is big enough that "it's worth pissing my partners off a little for him."

But finally she agrees. They did, after all, set up a rule giving each other veto power. It was a tough family meeting — but it also looked like a model of honest layings-out of problems and resentments with respectful, open-hearted communication. Watch, people, this is how it's done. Oh, and it was followed by bonobo sex.

But we wonder, will Lindsey follow through? Where is this going to lead?

Meanwhile, We see Kamala and Michael making their big will-you-move-in-and-live-with-us? proposal to Jennifer and Tahl.

Kamala has predicted, correctly, that Tahl will be gung-ho and the questionable one will be Jen. Tahl has been telling Jen about wanting to live in community ever since they married, years ago; Jen has only recently come around to an interest in the idea. We watch another deep group family discussion, unrestrained in the saying of difficult things but with mutual heartfulness and civility. Jen explains that she fears a housing merger might mean she loses her level of daily connection with Tahl. (Cut to Jen telling the camera: "If you're not willing to do personal work, then polyamory is definitely not for you.")

And again, the holdout comes around. Jen agrees, and yes, the big move-in will happen.

But the issues are on the table, they're examining the elephant in the room under bright light (and it remains visible in their first day together in the new home), and we wonder what is coming next for these people. Aside from more bonobo sex.

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And now, I am just about to leave the internet behind (almost) for ten days of exploring life-in-community and personal-work stuff myself at the Network for a New Culture's Summer Camp East, in the mountain wilds of West Virginia. So, please put your own impressions in the comments here and continue the discussion.

And, here's a Google News search that will show links to recent news coverage of the show, with the most recent first.

Here's one outsider's early review on a TV-programming website.

Here's the show's website. Click "About" for brief profiles of the seven characters, "Video" for clips including two from the second episode (where the Lindsey drama indeed escalates), and "Ways to Watch" for the first week's rerun schedule and on-demand purchasing (which I haven't tried. How well does this work?)

There will be seven weekly episodes through August 23.

Critics with only a passing interest in the subject may call this first episode tame, as reality shows go (sex aside) — polys sit (or lie cuddling) and talk and process a whole lot. We knew that.

But almost never before have we watched it on television.

P.S. July 16: A columnist at the big conservative site Town Hall declares, after learning about the show (and this website), The Next Sexual Revolution Has Arrived. He does not sound like a happy camper. A lot of his commenters seem to be obsessed with animals.

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