"8 Books With Love Triangles That End In Polyamory," the poly movement in today's Hong Kong, a cartoonist's cute message, and more

●  About the tragic love triangle trope in everything from Shakespeare to Gone with the Wind to Titanic? Most of us have thought countless times, "Jeezum, why don't they just go poly?"

Well, now from BookRiot ("the largest independent literary site in North America") comes Why Not Both? 8 Books With Love Triangles That End In Polyamory (Oct. 11).

By Addison Rizer

...Recently, though, tastes have shifted away from the love triangle, with some readers declaring it the worst trope in literature.... Readers cite a long list of irritants that come along with the trope. One suitor obviously being a better match, for example, while the other is rude or cruel or downright abusive. Some cite an unlikable main character, making it hard to believe them having more than one love interest at the same time. Others say it’s rude to string two people along like that and end up with a distaste for all involved.

If you’re one of those love-triangle avoiders, you’ll be delighted to hear about a new take on the trope that’s hitting the shelves: love triangles that end in polyamory. While the beginning of many of these novels echo the typical love triangle rivalry-and-indecision storyline, in the end, the characters shrug and say, “Why not both?” Which makes for super fun, interesting character dynamics and adds a freshness to the oft-done trope.

Each book gets a short description/review and a look at the cover. All of the author's picks are recent, and most or all are YA (Young Adult) genre. They are: 

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao...

Adaptation and Inheritance series by Malinda Lo... 

The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin...

Indestructible Object by Mary McCoy...

Strange Grace by Tessa Gratton...

This Song is (Not) For You by Laura Nowlin...

That Inevitable Victorian Thing by E.K. Johnston...

Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman...

...Regardless of your interests, I hope you jump on the polyamory reading train and enjoy one of these books with love triangles that end in polyamory.

Click through for the book links.

Added November 20: Laura Boyle, on her Ready for Polyamory blog, posts a list of the poly fiction books that, based on recommendations and reputation, she has put onto her to-read list: Polyamory in Fiction.

●  Book Karnjanakit is an artist from Thailand now in Baltimore; that's a self-portrait at right. She just got a graphic story published in The Lily, an online magazine for women's voices that's owned by the Washington Post: I used to think there was one way to have a relationship. Then I discovered polyamory (Oct. 10).

Below is the first frame. It has a happy ending.

Last month she posted a longer autobio comic on her Instagram about getting through the pandemic while poly. (Click on the grayed arrow at right of the first panel there.)

●  Hong Kong has fallen under hostile authoritarian rule, and the Hong Kong Free Press is readying to relocate offshore if shut down by the Chinese authorities. It just published a look into a bit of the city's private sphere: Loving one and many: the world of Hong Kong polyamorists (Oct. 10). Bits:

By Selina Cheng

...“But I didn’t feel jealous,” Leonard said. “That for me was a turning point, because I realised that I could be okay.”

Leonard and Salome are among a growing number of Hongkongers experimenting with polyamory – couples who give each other permission to simultaneously pursue other romantic or even sexual relationships outside their own.

...In Hong Kong’s “public story about marriage,” the abolition of polygyny [in 1971] is viewed as a rejection of repression against women and a step towards equality, said Joseph Cho, a gender studies lecturer at Chinese University of Hong Kong. He added, however, that although contemporary Hongkongers have become more relaxed about public displays of desire, and accepting of people who identify themselves as sexual minorities, the city’s values about love and sex remain conservative.

...Polyamorous Hongkongers, however, argue that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, and to do this ethically – if consent, equality and honesty are respected scrupulously by all parties in the relationship.

We visited a few of the city’s polyamorists to learn more about how they are creating an alternative lifestyle of loving. ...

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Salome and Leonard are the picture of a typical Hong Kong thirty-something couple on the way up. Salome is petite, her skin dramatically tan against a slim, bright pink dress. Leonard sports a smart, corporate blue shirt, a chrome Apple watch, and speaks with a crisp, British-inflected accent. We met one evening in their blond wood panelled Mid-Levels flat to chat about their alternative romantic lifestyle. ...

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...Neiko, a thirty-something with a curvy figure and a bottom lip piercing, identifies as non-binary gendered and prefers the pronoun “they.”  ...What is very clear to Neiko is that they reject “the relationship escalator.”...

Neiko and E's home

...Victor and his wife Angeline are struggling to relocate their mutual partner, Anastasia, to Hong Kong, so the lovers can finally settle down together as a threesome. ...

Victor started dating Angeline about 10 years ago when they both attended the University of Hong Kong. Angeline met and fell in love with Anastasia on a trip, and eventually the three began dating as a trio. ... Victor, Angeline and Anastasia are working to create a household together, in a committed relationship with children – a polyamorous take on family. ...

...Love, in a triad, is a complex affair where sentiments and attractions shift and evolve over time. Victor said the closest relationship in the trio now is in fact the one between the two women.

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...Monogamy, said [psychiatrist Dr. Emil] Ng, maintains the social order by allocating a woman to every man and by providing a basic framework for the division of wealth, property and status in society. By contrast, the polyamorous lifestyle is not merely a non-traditional way to experience love – it’s a direct challenge to the existing economic and social order. For Hong Kong polyamorists, open relationships are a simple, albeit unconventional, lifestyle choice. But others outside the circle may see polyamory as threatening, even dangerous. ...

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...Neiko, Leonard and Salome want to help people in the polyamorous community connect with others like themselves, so they might feel less alone. Together they created the “Hong Kong Polyamory and Non-Monogamy Meetup Group” on meetup.com, a social networking website. Their last offline meeting attracted around 80 people, Neiko said, and added that polyamorists may be even more closeted and stigmatised than members of LGBTIQ communities.

For Salome, the path forward is clear. “It is difficult to imagine going back, once you have seen the nice garden behind the backdoor,” she said. “It’s so liberating – you don’t need to follow the prescription.”

And perhaps, she added hopefully, one day those who find themselves in love with more than one person need not be condemned by society. 

“Maybe things can be different, in another world.”

The polyamorists interviewed for this story spoke to HKFP under pseudonyms, citing fear of repercussion from family, friends, and employers.

 

● From PopSugar/ Latina, also reprinted several other places: Why More Latinas Should Consider Questioning Monogamy (Sept. 30)

By Yvette Montoya

Even though we're well into the 21st century, romantic relationships are still tangled up in rigid notions about loyalty, obedience, ownership, and, of course, monogamy. ... Add in all the religious dogmas that underlie those beliefs — "God will strike you down" and "you'll go straight to hell" (if you waver in your chastity) — and it's terrifying. The idea that we are either virgins or "wh*res" doesn't give us a lot of options.

...And God forbid you have children from more than one partner. Or are over the age of 25 with no marriage prospects or even a novio? Dios mio! What will your family's acquaintances and complete strangers think? How many of our fathers, uncles, brothers, and grandfathers have second families and kids all over the place? Can someone please tell me what kind of monogamy that is?

...If we want to identify and deconstruct damaging power structures, we should start with monogamy. Why? Because it is not something we actively choose; it's something we've been conditioned and coerced to accept. ... We also forget that we're the first generation of women to enjoy this much self-determination. And yet, we unconsciously end up in relationship structures that feed into our oppression, and we continue to espouse traditional beliefs about womanhood and family life that harm our self-worth. I'm not suggesting that monogamy is wrong, but like Dr. Kim Tallbear (aka the critical polyamorist), an associate professor and faculty of Native Studies at the University of Alberta in Canada, has said, "Until you have worked hard for your monogamy in a non-monogamous society, don't tell me it was your choice."

Consider Exploring Ethical Nonmonogamy....

Figure Out Your Needs....

What do you actually need — sexually, emotionally, and mentally — to be fulfilled? If someone asked what you needed to achieve an orgasm, or feel safe, what kind of direction would you give them? If you have never considered what your own needs are, that's a good place to begin. Reflect on your current and past relationships, and ask yourself why you configured them the way you did.

For Latinas, first-generation kids, and children of immigrants, there is a lot to unpack. ... As Latinas grappling with Catholic guilt, machismo, and cultural shaming, many of us actively avoid oversexualizing ourselves. In a society that brands us "spicy" and assumes we're all sexy Sofia Vergara-like baby makers, we make choices related to our sexualities to avoid criticism and being stereotyped. 

...Don't get me wrong, it's not all about sex, but it is about self-understanding and acceptance. Like it or not, our negative beliefs and practices around sex impact other areas of our lives and prevent us from authentically showing up for ourselves and others. ...

● The headline writer here went for the clickbait: 'My husband gives me sex tips.' What it's really like to be in a polyamorous marriage, but it's actually a nice profile of life at the poly/ open-marriage boundary. It appeared in MamaMia! Oct. 19. 

..."After getting married and being very honest about our queer identities and open relationship, we got hit up all the time! Mostly by single men and women who are sick of Tinder and the dating world and just want sex. People know we are in a secure and loving marriage, so we can offer them something quite simple and safe.

While the couple have had plenty of casual hook ups since getting married, the idea of polyamory was initially, as Luke says, "too complicated".

"It felt like we barely had enough time for our relationship, let alone another one! Then Cindra began casually dating Lou and it sort of just naturally happened. I could see how it might work and so we began to read and learn more about polyamory.

"I can't lie though, it was a big transition." ...

Cindra says that there is a lot of talking between all three parties about how their relationship can continue to work. ... "There is so much talking! ... We see a counsellor and we check in with each other regularly to navigate all our emotions."...

"We are open with other people about our marriage but when Lou and I bumped into my parents at the beach, that felt strange," Cindra says. "Lou knows all our friends and has joined our gym. So this was very overwhelming, especially for Luke. ..."

●  In the Poly 101 department, Yahoo!Life presents Here's What You Should Know About Fluid Bonding (Oct. 19).

●  And a brief Negotiating The Relationship 101: How I Negotiated Non-Monogamy In My Monogamous Relationship (Refinery29, Oct. 20).  Spoiler: Communication, communication, communication.

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Another country heard from: Poly in Singapore

In buttoned-down, socially controlled Singapore, we've seen a few stirrings of a movement. This appeared in Cleo Singapore, a glossy women's mag ("Everything a twenty-something woman in Singapore wants or needs to know. ... celebrating everyone and everything that represents our motto, 'Our Life, Your Rules'.")

A Polyamorous Man In Singapore Tells Us About How He Sees Love

By Adora Wong

Ever wondered how some people can handle several intimate relationships at the same time? We got a polyamorous man in Singapore to tell us about how he sees love.

Most of us only date one person at any one time. Sure, we might have eyes for other people while in a relationship, but we refrain from acting on those feelings because, well, that’d be cheating.

Then there are those who have more than one partner. But here’s the thing: they’re not always cheaters. Sometimes, they’re polyamorous, and date more than one person at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory is a kind of open relationship, and is the practice of being emotionally involved with more than one person at a time. This distinguishes it from another kind of open relationship, swinging, which allows sex outside the primary relationship, but not love.

Those in “poly relationships”, as they’re commonly known, tend to view their relationships in equal terms rather than assign labels like “primary” and “secondary”. Also, sex may be involved in a poly relationship, but that’s not always the case.

Even if you don’t know any polyamorists – or “ethical non-monogamists”, as they usually prefer to be known – you probably know a friend of a friend who is. Heck, if you use dating apps, you’ve probably come across quite a number of them.

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...Edward was in a monogamous relationship for nine years before it ended in divorce, and he now practices polyamory and dates several people at the same time. He has a “committed life partner” who also practices polyamory, and they’ve been together for three years.

Why did you start exploring polyamory?

Some time after my marriage ended, I started dating an ethical non-monogamist. She explained that every new romantic partner allowed her more possibilities of self-discovery. Plus, she felt that one person was not required to meet all her needs.

After some discussion, I agreed for our relationship to be non-monogamous. We lived together and shared finances for a year, and in that time, I had five other concurrent relationships.

It was during this period that I discovered that I was also a relationship anarchist. A relationship anarchist understands conventional social constructs of all relationships (platonic, sexual and romantic), but interacts with others according to their own mutual understanding of relationships. It’s a direct response to how society says that love and sex are what make a relationship “important”.

For many relationship anarchists, all kinds of relationships can become important when a mutual commitment is formed.

How do you tell new potential partners that you’re polyamorous?

I usually meet new people via dating apps or at a bar. I also meet them through work. If it seems like there’s a chance a new person and I may date, I will most likely have already revealed that I’m ethically non-monogamous.

For example, my OkCupid profile states that I’m seeing someone and that I’m a relationship anarchist. This helps to filter out my matches.

In any situation, if I exchange numbers with someone and it seems like we’re heading for a date, I’ll first discuss how I’m ethically non-monogamous. What’s more, if we’re already connected on social platforms such as Instagram, they’d have already seen photos of my life partner. I don’t try to hide information about her.

...I experience “compersion” a lot. It’s the feeling of joy when another is experiencing joy, particularly when seeing a partner take pleasure in another relationship. When my partners are having a good time, I feel happy for them.

How open are you with your life partner about your other relationships?

I discuss all relationships that are forming with her. I share with her about new friends I’ve made and if I’m attracted to someone new. I also discuss any stimulating conversations I’ve had, and let her know when there is someone I want to spend more time to get to know.

The same goes for my partners. They share a lot with me and we sometimes talk about the difficulties of the other relationships or interactions we have.

I’ve never seen relationships as barriers. Relationships should be freeing. Because when we’re in a relationship, it’s about sharing our own lives, not “owning” the other. ...

Is there a local polyamorous community?

There is a local ethical non-monogamist group and I’m a part of it. The community functions just like any other meet-up group of friends. We make time to come together and discuss relationship topics as we recognise how rare support and knowledge is.

There have been some monogamists that have attended our gatherings as they’re curious about ethical non-monogamy or about a topic we were discussing. These topics include jealousy, long-distance relationships and online dating. ...

The whole article (March 2018 print issue; online April 19). The magazine claims, "CLEO continues to be one of the strongest media brands in Singapore, reaching out to an audience of more than 300,000 through various 360-degree initiatives."

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Another country heard from: Poly in Hong Kong

Yes I know Hong Kong isn't a country, but it deserves to be. This appeared in the South China Morning Post, 115 years old and no longer a free press. Apparently this was a safe topic.

Inside Hong Kong’s secretive free-love scene: don’t call it swinging – this is polyamory, where sex is just one option

Lea and Judy are part of a small community that enjoys giving and receiving love with multiple partners. Despite polyamory not being all about sex, no one sees it crossing cultural barriers in Hong Kong any time soon.

Polyamory Hong Kong Facebook logo

...Hong Kong has a small but passionate scene that plays out in the “Polyamory Hong Kong” Facebook group, of which Lea, 46, is the administrator.

“It is about relationships that allow the other person, their partner, to experience everything that outside relationships have to offer,” she says. “Sometimes those are things not available within the primary relationship.”

There are certainly sexual connotations to polyamory, but there is also an emotional side to the lifestyle choice, says Lea, a senior corporate leader in the global apparel industry.

The Facebook group, which was set up in 2013 by another administrator, has just 45 followers. Many have already left Hong Kong and there are now fewer than 10 active members in the city. “It is a very Western lifestyle and contrary to Asian culture, so it wouldn’t be a local thing,” Lea says.

Lea insists that polyamory is no more unusual than any other lifestyle choice.

“Maybe someone craves touch and holding hands, kissing or just talking with someone who is experiencing the same day-to-day challenges in the work environment. Their primary partner may not be able to offer those things, but they want to allow that person to be fulfilled and experience everything they need and want intimately,” she says.

“They also want to stay together as life partners, and embrace everything they cherish and love about the primary relationship.”

Lea and her partner have been together for almost 15 years and have children. “We are best friends and life partners,” she says, adding that they are both involved in long-term relationships other than their own. Sometimes Lea and her partner experience awkward moments when they run into people they know while out on a date with another person, she says.

Lea says part of the attraction of her alternative lifestyle is that she has the chance to experience more intellectual conversation, romantic dinners out and exciting, intimate connections.

She also experiences the giddiness and excitement of being with someone new – the fun side of intimacy – and cites the thrill of having someone delightedly grabbing her hand.

Lea says she does not expect to see the polyamorous lifestyle crossing cultural barriers in Hong Kong any time soon. It will always appeal more to liberal-minded Western residents, she believes, because it does not conform to the conservative local culture.

Non-monogamous lifestyles are not exactly unheard of in Hong Kong, however. Concubinage – in which married men with the financial means provided for “minor wives”, preferably if the women could provide him with sons – was only banned by the British colonial government in 1971. Nevertheless, the practice could not necessarily be described as polyamory. The British banned concubinage because women other than the first wife did not enjoy legal rights and could be banished by their man if, for example, they failed to give birth to boys or talked too much.

Kowloon-based Judy, 37, a member of Lea’s group, says she has always been partial to polyamory. Judy, who works as a researcher in both Hong Kong and the Austrian capital, Vienna, has lived the lifestyle since 2008.

“I’ve always been like that in my mind. Basically I was just being true to myself,” she says of her decision. Judy adds that she had discussed the ideals of polyamory with a pen pal when she was younger, but at the time had not regarded it as a realistic choice.

...She describes those polyamorous people that she feels closely connected to, and sometimes has erotic encounters with, as “family”.

Whether her “family” consists of two men or two women makes no difference to Judy, and no distinction exists between friendships, relationships and love affairs.

...She denies that being polyamorous is any more complicated than being in a conventional relationship.

“If you do a normal relationship, don’t you communicate about your needs with your partner? And don’t you have to work on creating that basis for intimacy and build trust every day in a normal relationship?”

Judy believes the conventional “relationship escalator” is becoming a thing of the past. Today, unlike during her parents’ time, regular dating no longer automatically ends in marriage and children. “Doing normal” is complicated, she says.

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Dedeker Winston is a US relationship coach who wrote The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory and hosts a podcast called “Multiamory”. She says that only 17 per cent of world cultures are strictly monogamous.

...Still, she says, monogamy has become a universal norm because it is part of a cultural narrative around relationships and love that has been largely promoted by films, TV programmes, books and other cultural mediums.

The influence of Christianity has undeniably been a key force in upholding the image of heterosexual monogamous marriage as the ideal personal relationship type in the West, Winston says. She adds that centuries of missionary work have imposed the concept on many non-Western, non-Christian cultures around the world.

...“I don’t know very much about the Hong Kong scene, but from what I’ve heard from friends who are more active in it, the fear of a backlash and stigmatisation drives many people to remain closeted about their relationships,” she says.

The whole article (April 8, 2018).

A brief version of the story appeared in The Inquirer in the Philippines: Hong Kong’s small polyamory community finds solace, support in social media (April 13).

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"Polyamory in the PRC: A brief history of sex and swinging in modern China"

If you've never heard of SupChina, you're not a serious China watcher. Founded two years ago by Anla Cheng of Sino-Century China Private Equity Partners, it has grown into a deep, fascinating read "serving the Chinese diaspora worldwide, China watchers, international businesspeople, and the global-minded Western audience."

For instance, in addition to steel tariffs and the sudden censorship of Winnie the Pooh (who has become a vehicle for satirizing of Xi Jinping), was this recent top story: China's national medical hotline apologizes on Weibo for discrediting donkey-hide gelatin. The understory: Officialdom slapped down doctors for reporting that a folk cure-all wealthy manufacturers have started promoting, causing its price to jump from $9 to $400 a pound, doesn't work. The most upvoted comment to the doctors' retraction on Weibo was a snark rewriting of it: “Sorry for speaking the truth without deliberate consideration. Though we quickly deleted it after it had been discovered, the post still caused severe consequences.” If your news has become the same old same old, look for outlets like this.

Which is where the following comes from. Contrary to the title, it's very long.

Polyamory In The PRC: A Brief History Of Sex And Swinging In Modern China

Article 301 of China’s 1997 Criminal Law bans “group licentiousness,” and has been used in the past to bust would-be swingers. But why?

A very different feet illustration: The stark shadows show the people caught in the spotlight of a bust with their hands up. The hands are already behind bars. (Illustration by Katie Morton)

It was women who brought down Ma Yaohai 马尧海. The older, nosier kind — not the ones he liked to watch having sex.

In 2010, the then-53-year-old bespectacled academic became the face of Chinese swinging when he was arrested for “group licentiousness.” Although one of 22 charged, it was Ma’s refusal to quietly roll over and plead guilty, coupled with his professorial status, that made him a cause célèbre; it was thusly revealed, to many in China, that orgies are technically illegal.

The case symbolized the division between an older, staunchly conservative establishment and its more progressive, post-Reform juniors, who take freewheeling, pluralistic runs at formerly forbidden fare.

Ma Yaohai

In Ma’s case, the meddling seniors won. His arrest was, Ma now believes, primarily the result of prudery and petty politics. A newly created neighborhood “senior’s court” had been “aiming to be declared a ‘Leading Work Unit,’” the professor explained over the phone. “So of course, they needed some achievement with which to get promoted. And in China, internet and mobile phones are all monitored, so they can easily find what anyone’s up to.”

...The heyday of the committees — curtains twitching and eyes widening at their neighbors’ proclivities — seems to be back. In 2016, police in northeast Heilongjiang Province sought out snitches with a sliding pay scale: Swingers fetched a bounty of 1,000 to 2,000 yuan ($150 to $300). In Kunming, the bounty was 1,000 to 3,000 yuan, while Xiamen’s flush Public Security Bureau offered “up to 10,000 yuan for information of such a kind.”

...By the time Ma’s case came to court, however, he had an older woman of a distinctly different stripe in his corner. The well-known activist and Chinese Academy of Social Sciences (CASS) sexologist Li Yinhe 李银河, then 59, was a veteran of the war against wantonness. In 2007, she’d defended a woman fired for spouse swapping, arguing that it was a matter of “free will, privacy, and being an adult.” An energetic backlash to Li’s remarks called for a return to “traditional Chinese morality,” with one commenter exhorting: “Swapping husbands and wives? Why don’t they just go ahead and have sex with animals?”

Now, Li told reporters, Article 301 of the 1997 Criminal Law, banning “group licentiousness,” was a relic of the Cultural Revolution that hadn’t been applied once in more than 30 years; she then called on “the relevant departments to quickly investigate and abolish the crime of ‘group licentiousness.’”

Those who favored prosecuting Ma, and liberalism in general, evoked the end-times rhetoric of Fox News: The law must “protect the sexual relations of mainstream society,” insisted law professor Sun Guoxiang. Ma had “affected social order,” fumed another. Group sex was “decadent behavior…hindering the pursuit of the majority toward good behavior,” Ming Haoyue, a commentator, declared on Weibo. “Chaotic sexual behavior could fuel other evils.”

CASS, long considered a top academic research institute, would later come under fire from the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection, the Party’s anti-corruption squad, accused of colluding with “foreign forces,” “ideological problems,” and promoting unorthodox viewpoints online.

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...While his wife shyly nodded along, Daming explained that the couple enjoyed swapping because it was “new and exciting” and, moreover, free. Some estimate that fewer than 100,000 Chinese participate in group sex, but a chat forum dedicated to swinging on the (now defunct) website “Happy Village” once had more than 380,000 registered members. Most continue to meet via hobby groups on lifestyle sites. One commenter from Zhihu, a popular Q&A site, enthused that “We’ve been swinging with my wife’s best friend and her husband for more than a year; about once every one or two months. We’d do it in our home or theirs, or whenever we’d travel together. Sometimes four of us, sometimes three. It didn’t affect either of our families. But now our child is in school, we don’t have the time.”

...It’s certainly part of the spirit of the age, though: The pursuit of profit and pleasure is perhaps the most authentic Chinese Dream. Group sex is particularly popular among the idle 富二代 (fùèrdài), or second-generation rich....

The whole article (February 13, 2018).

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Poly surfaces in the Philippines

The Philippine Star

Another glimmer from the Ear East: one of the main newspapers in the Philippines prints a discussion with a young open couple who call themselves poly. This is notable because the Philippines, long under heavy control of the Catholic Church, has been one of the most sexually repressed countries at least officially. Until recently birth control was illegal.

“We are way more open about stuff, I think. When you trust your partner enough to tell them you want to have sex with someone else, I think everything else just seems kind of easier to talk about.” (Illustration by Rob Cham)

This Modern Love

By Stefan Punongbayan

MANILA – ...In celebration of Valentine’s Day, the nursery song “the more we get together, the happier we’ll be” takes on a whole new meaning this week here at Supreme. We sat down with a not-so-conventional couple who will henceforth be known as Craig (27, straight) and Michaela (22, queer) to explore polyamory, consent, threesomes, and everything in between. Whoever said that three (or more) is a crowd?

...When did you start dabbling in polyamory? What led you to this arrangement?

Michaela: I suggested it very early on, I think we weren’t even officially boyfriend & girlfriend yet, since I had tried an open relationship-type setup before. It’s something I already knew I liked, or at least was capable of, so I offered it to Craig in case he liked it too.

Craig: This is my first. She kind of convinced me to try an open relationship. Michaela figured that we were young and can’t help it if we end up being attracted to other people. Life is a long time. This was kind of a weird safeguard from cheating, too, which I think is way more devastating emotionally. She started it out when someone asked her out. I kind of winced and had a lot of anxiety around that, but it then turned out alright. From there it kind of escalated and I dated around, we slept around, it was fun. Always use protection and don’t hurt anyone. I always make sure to disclose to anyone I am interested in that I am in an open relationship. If they are cool with that, then we just see where it goes.

M: You can’t cheat if your partner is okay with you sleeping with someone else! At least they didn’t break your trust. Sex is the least offensive part of cheating, it’s the betrayal, the lying.

...Aside from the obvious, what do think are the advantages of polyamorous relationships over traditional romantic partnerships?

C: We are way more open about stuff, I think. When you trust your partner enough to tell them you want to have sex with someone else, I think everything else just seems kind of easier to talk about. Way more testing for STDs because we want to be safe and make sure that nothing becomes an outbreak. Way more spending on condoms. Way more spending on dates.

M: The communication is much better between people in polyamorous relationships, and not just about the sex stuff. Plus, there’s no pressure to hide your feelings or desire for someone else, and that helps your own mental health because you’re not racked with guilt.

But aren’t relationships — or love in general — supposed to be inconvenient? ...

M: The best relationships aren’t! Relationships already come with a lot of problems without all the arbitrary rules we place on them. Not to say that open relationships can’t be problematic, though. But you work through it, just like every other relationship, because you feel like it’s worth it.

How do you select potential dates? Is there a vetting process of sorts that’s peculiar to the kind of relationship you have?

C: It’s weird because Michaela is asked out more often and I usually ask out my dates.

M: I do a lot of asking out, too! I usually let Craig know the moment I’m interested in someone, or if someone asks me out. We usually don’t veto each other’s choices, but we probably would if we knew something bad or unsettling about the new person.

C: I just tell them I’m in this situation. I don’t try to spring it on them after getting serious. Always just at the start because it’s not going to turn out good at all if there’s that dishonesty. A lot of people aren’t comfortable with their dates seeing other people, and that’s understandable. So usually I end up with people just open to the idea, or are just okay with a fubu set up.

M: It’s pretty similar to dating when you’re single, except it comes with a disclaimer that you already have a partner. Sometimes you have group dates and more people cuddling in bed.

Are your friends and respective families aware you’re going out with other people? What do they usually ask you?

C: Friends, yes; families, no....

Read the whole article (February 11, 2017).

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"Economist Says Polyamory Can Solve China’s Gender Imbalance. Chinese Internet Explodes."

China announced today the end of its one-child policy, which has been in effect for the last 35 years. Just days earlier, the nation had an uproar over an economist's proposal for coping with the enormous gender imbalance that the policy has helped to create.

An official cartoon in the People's Daily announcing China's
new two-child policy. Will the picture make room for two husbands? 

For decades, China has been raising a lot more more boys than girls. Last year the birth ratio was 116 to 100. Traditional Chinese culture values sons over daughters, and the one-child policy, with its heavy sanctions, gave most parents just one chance. Early sex testing enables selective abortion of female fetuses (illegal but common), and many girl babies were put in orphanages to be adopted overseas. Or they quietly died at birth, with no inquiries as to how.

Chinese authorities estimate that by 2020, there will be 33.8 million excess males unable to find wives. By 2050 these unwilling bachelors — guang gun, "bare branches" — may amount to at least 20% of all Chinese men.

Throughout history and around the world, when a society has a large pool of excess males who will never find mates, they find family in criminal gangs and freelance armies. To preempt this, governments have often recruited them into real armies and gone to war to keep them occupied. US intelligence analysts worry about this.

Western polyfolks have long suggested that in China, polyandry — one wife marrying two or more husbands — is likely to arise here and there and ease the situation slightly. It is already said to happening informally a bit.

Earlier this week, Chinese authorities officially allowed the idea onto the table for public debate.

Economist Xie Zuoshi suggested that two men be allowed to marry a woman jointly, with full legal rights and privileges. The official People's Daily (circulation about 300 million in all editions) reported his ideas, indicating government approval for the question to go public. Was it a trial balloon?

Chinese social media erupted, mostly in condemnation.

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First, here's the People's Daily article in its entirety (English edition):

Professor Sparks Anger Proposing Polygamy and Gay Marriage for China’s Millions of Bachelors

Professor Xie Zuoshi (Photo: People's Daily)

The birth ratio of boys compared with girls in China has been rising steadily, peaking in 2009 before dropping to 1.16 in 2014. Studies anticipated that at least 20 percent of men will be unable to marry in mid-21 century. By 2020, China will see 30 million unmarried men.

An economics professor has a unique, economic perspective: Chinese bachelors shall be allowed to share wives and marry each other.

Xie Zuoshi, an economics professor at Zhejiang University of Finance and Economics, said, “In terms of supply and demand, the rising number of bachelors has deepened the scarcity of women, whose value is increased consequently. Men with high incomes find wives first because they can afford to take care of their women. For those who are earning less, one option is to share a wife with another man,” Xie wrote on his blogpost. He also proposed that China shall make polygamy and gay marriage legal, or encourage men marrying women from other countries.

Xie’s comment immediately sparked heated debate online. Many netizens were offended and raised questions on his moral standard.

Here's the original (October 23, 2015).


● Next up, in the New York Times China blog The Sinosphere:

Not Enough Women in China? Let Men Share a Wife, an Economist Suggests

Men playing checkers in Beijing. By 2020,
China will have an estimated 30 million bachelors.

By Didi Kirsten Tatlow

One wife, many husbands.

That’s the solution to China’s huge surplus of single men, says Xie Zuoshi, an economics professor at the Zhejiang University of Finance and Economics, whose recent proposal to allow polyandry has gone viral.

Legalizing marriage between two men would also be a good idea, Mr. Xie wrote in a post that has since been removed from his blogs. (He has at least three blogs, and his Sina blog alone has more than 2.6 million followers.)

...Though some could perhaps detect a touch of Jonathan Swift in the proposal, Mr. Xie wrote that he was approaching the problem from a purely economic point of view.

Many men, especially poor ones, he noted, are unable to find a wife and have children, and are condemned to living and dying without offspring to support them in old age, as children are required to do by law in China. But he believes there is a solution.

A shortage raises the price of goods — in this case, women, he explained. Rich men can afford them, but poor men are priced out. This can be solved by having two men share the same woman.

...He added: “That’s not just my weird idea. In some remote, poor places, brothers already marry the same woman, and they have a full and happy life.” [He may have in mind China's Mosuo.]

Polyandry has been practiced before in China, particularly in impoverished areas, as a way to pool resources and avoid the breakup of property.

Yet much of the online response to Mr. Xie’s proposal has been outrage.

“Is this a human being speaking?” a user with the handle dihuihui wrote on Weibo.

“Trash-talking professor, many single guys want to ask, ‘Where’s your wife?’ ” a user who identified as Shanyu jinxiang1887003537 wrote.

...On Sunday, he published an indignant rebuttal on one of his blogs, accusing his critics of being driven by empty notions of traditional morality that are impractical and selfish — even hypocritical.

“Because I promoted the idea that we should allow poor men to marry the same woman to solve the problem of 30 million guanggun, I’ve been endlessly abused,” he wrote. “People have even telephoned my university to harass me. These people have groundlessly accused me of promoting immoral and unethical ideas.

“If you can’t find a solution that doesn’t violate traditional morality,” he continued, “then why do you criticize me for violating traditional morality? You are in favor of a couple made up of one man, one woman. But your morality will lead to 30 million guanggun with no hope of finding a wife. Is that your so-called morality?”

In addition to provoking guardians of traditional morality, the proposal has been pilloried by feminists and gay rights advocates.

“Men are publicly debating how to allocate women, as though women were commodities like houses or cars, in order to realize some grand political ideal originating from either the patriarchal left or the patriarchal right,” Zheng Churan, one of five women’s rights activists detained in March, wrote in an essay for a WeChat group called Groundbreaking.

...Mr. Xie also has supporters. On his Sina blog, he posted a comment from a student at Nanchang Hangkong University. “You are standing alongside the poorest working-class people,” the student wrote. “When there’s no better way, why don’t we get rid of so-called morality and solve society’s problems?”

Read the whole article (Oct. 26). Xie Zuoshi eventually reached the New York Times and responded (Oct. 27).


● From semi-independent Hong Kong, in the Hong Kong Free Press:

Let several men share one wife: Chinese professor’s answer to looming bachelor crisis

Xie's provocative blog post.

By Vivienne Zeng

...Xie Zuoshi... caused a storm in the Chinese media by saying poor men who cannot find wives should “bundle up to get one to share between themselves.”

Xie wrote several men sharing one wife is not a wild fantasy, but an idea which has been put into practice in China.

...If the 30 million extra single men cannot find women, they will turn into criminals and cause social instability, he said.

...In an ongoing poll on Weibo, 66.5% of the 7,700 respondents have said they don’t agree with polyandry.

Which suggests that a third do. The whole article (Oct. 23).


● As covered at Slate:

Economist Says Polyamory Can Solve China’s Gender Imbalance. Chinese Internet Explodes.

By Joshua Keating

...The proposal has provoked a furious backlash from readers who accuse him of “violating traditional morality,” forcing a fed-up Xie to clarify that he was not proposing that plural marriage be mandatory.

Xie, like economists everywhere in the world, was guilty mainly of not understanding that people don’t always respond well to utilitarian arguments for upending social convention. But the controversy also reveals some unfortunate sexist assumptions about the consequences of China’s gender imbalance.

...While China's one-child policy gets much of the blame, it should be noted that India, which doesn’t have similar laws, has a similar gender imbalance....

Much of the commentary on China’s imbalance has focused on the consequences of having so many men: It’s been blamed for the country’s rising crime rates, while young Chinese bachelors saving money in long-shot bids to attract wives have been blamed for imbalances in the global economy. But it would be a mistake to assume that the imbalance benefits women who their pick of an abundance of potential mates. Gender imbalances in China and throughout Asia have been blamed for an increase in sex trafficking and forced marriages.

...It was a bias against women that created this problem, but women seem to be disproportionately expected to deal with it. That used to mean pressure to find a husband as quickly as possible. Now, Xie suggests, they should have to find more than one.

The whole article (Oct. 26).

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Meanwhile, China has a glimmer of its own modern polyamory movement. In relatively free-wheeling Shanghai, an article titled "All About Polyamory" appeared last spring in City Weekend, a chain of alternative-style magazines published in English in five cities. "Our team is comprised of locals and foreigners who love everything about the cities we call home," its staff writes.

The article is intermittently available at its original site (May 15, 2015), but you can also find it at another (May 19):

LGBeaT: All About Polyamory

Our latest series of columns has explored individual sexual and gender identities that are often hidden in the shadows. This time, we seek to expand your view of what relationships can look like.

For example: Regular three-way sex. A partner who leaves home to date multiple other people a week. A couple that shares two other lovers separately under the same roof.

What do these scenarios sound like to you? Your wildest fantasy? Cheating? Open relationships? Polygamy? Swingers?

Most monogamously minded people might choose one of the above descriptions. For others, they could all be examples of romantic relationships that occur outside of the conventional bounds of monogamy -- in other words, polyamorous relationships.

What Is Polyamory?

...Those who identify this way have consensual romantic and sexual relationships that are not exclusive to two people. Beautifully described by the Polyamory Society as the “non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously,” poly is also known as consensual, intentional, ethical or responsible “non-monogamy.”

So before you write off poly as just another way to get out of having a “real” relationship, let’s be clear: poly isn’t about sleeping around behind your partner’s back or racking up noncommittal fuck buddies. People who identify as poly are neither players, cheaters, nor hypersexual, at least not any more so than people who choose monogamous relationships. In fact, poly people can be just as deeply committed to their relationships with multiple people at a time.

What Does Polyamory Look Like?

Polyfidelity, one of the most popular forms of polyamory [sic], describes a closed group of three or more partners who consider themselves married or seriously committed, who are sexually exclusive and who often live together. Other polyamorous individuals have what they call primary and secondary relationships: They configure their relationships around a primary partner, with whom they share the deepest bond, while having one or more secondary relationships at the same time.

Still others allow for “open marriages” with varying degrees of romantic and sexual relationships outside of their life partners. Three people in a relationship are often called a triad, while four are a quad, but poly configurations can look like anything and everything.

Most poly people swear by communication as the key to their relationships. Within poly relationships, partners are in a constant process of negotiating and renegotiating boundaries and looking after each other’s emotional health -- basically, alllll the feels. An exhausting process, yes, but one that is also meaningful and necessary -- for any relationship form, really.

Recognizing Polyamory

So why is polyamory still invisible in many communities? Our society is built on norms that dictate loving only one person at a time and thatlegally and socially recognize monogamous, married, heterosexual couples to the exclusion of other relationship types.

But poly folks have meaningful connections; they have loving, stable relationships; they have families -- and they have the courage to subvert these restrictive norms by pushing the boundaries that define how we connect with and love one another.

Intentional non-monogamy isn’t for everyone; in fact, it isn’t for most people. But let’s be intentional about allowing people to love differently, intimately and openly.

City Weekend staff

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"Sexy spring: How group sex will liberate Iran, China"

Salon

Wilhelm Reich, publishing in 1930s Germany, was right: Sexual freedom and, we might add, poly awareness are fundamentally subversive of fascist and other politically repressive cultures.

A huge, 6,300-word article has appeared at Salon, excerpted from Katherine Frank's new book Plays Well In Groups: A Journey Through The World Of Group Sex, which was issued last month by the academic publisher Rowman & Littlefield:

Sexy spring: How group sex will liberate Iran, China

It's a neo-conservative nightmare: In Iran and China, Western sexual values are bringing about real change.

By Katherine Frank

When Iranian American anthropologist Pardis Mahdavi first visited Tehran in the summer of 2000, she expected to encounter the Iran she grew up imagining.... [But] during repeated visits, Mahdavi found that despite the strict moral policies of the Islamic Republic, young Iranians were listening to music, dancing, drinking alcohol, and socializing in new ways....

Like youth in other countries who lack private spaces to retreat to, some Iranian youth reported having sex at parties and in cars (which sometimes allowed them to escape the morality police) out of necessity. But some also purposely sought group sex. Shomal, in northern Iran, had a reputation as a popular destination for these sexual explorations. One informant told Mahdavi that young men and women “go there, deep in the jungle, and have lots of sex, with lots of people; it’s really something to see. I love it.” Another young man said: “Have I ever had group sex? Well, yes, with a few women at a time, but who hasn’t done that? But I’ve watched really elaborate orgies too.” He had observed “a big group orgy in Shomal,” after being convinced to attend by a girl he knew.

Although Mahdavi did not visit Shomal, she attended other sex parties in Iran. One evening, she accompanied her friend Babak to a party held in a huge garden with beautiful hanging trees. “Welcome to the jungle,” a young man said as he greeted her. After stripping off her Islamic dress, including her head scarf and manto, she followed the men further into what felt like “the hanging gardens of Babylon.” Babak squeezed her arm and whispered into her ear, “Take a deep breath, Pardis.”...

Another sex party Mahdavi attended was held at a garden estate outside of Tehran, hosted by a young woman whose parents had gone on religious pilgrimage to Mecca....

When talking about their weekend adventures, some of Mahdavi’s informants focused on the recreational aspect of the parties.... Others viewed the parties as a representation of “all things Western,” a way of gaining status and claiming a cosmopolitan identity; some also expressed ideas about sex as freedom that harked back to ideas underlying the sexual revolution in the United States. Still others claimed parties offered escape and “eased the pain” of living in Iran. As one man said, “Sex is the main thing here; it’s our drug, it’s what makes our lives bearable, that’s what makes parties so necessary.” “If we don’t live like this, we cannot exist in the Islamic Republic,” a woman declared. “We hate our government, despise our families, and our husbands make us sick."...

But the new sexual culture in Iran, Mahdavi believes, is not simply an embrace of Western consumerism and morality nor merely an escapist hedonism, a “last resort.” Urban young adults, the focus of Mahdavi’s inquiry, made up about two-thirds of Iran’s population; they were mobile, highly educated, underemployed, and dissatisfied with the political regime at the time. Some were directly involved in politics. Many used the Internet to make connections, blog about their frustrations, and peer into youth cultures elsewhere around the world. Willingly taking risks with their social and sexual behavior, as these Iranian young people were doing, was viewed as a step toward social and political reform — not just a means of escape and excitement.

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Contemporary sex partying is often thought to be linked to the spread of Western values and practices even while taking on local forms and meanings.... Some sex partying is certainly related to processes of globalization....

Sometimes, sex partying draws on Western symbols, themes, or discourses regardless of where it takes place. As I was finishing this manuscript, I had the opportunity to talk with a Pakistani businessman at a rooftop bar in Los Angeles. We drank mojitos while he told me about underground “key parties” in Pakistan....

...But sex parties aren’t just Western creations. Group sex has been depicted in art and literature for centuries, and some of those portrayals are celebratory....

Over the years I researched this book, I also heard tales about secret group sex parties for men in the South Pacific and rental houses in Dubrovnik serving as temporary, mobile sex clubs. Films about swinging in Israel and India appeared. The electronic dance music scene, with its focus on multiple sources of sensory intensity, has spread around the world. Three-day events, club drugs, and sensation-seeking youth seem to beget after-parties and group sex wherever they coalesce. Unfortunately, it remains difficult to find participants from non-Western countries willing to talk about their recreational experiences with group sex. Mahdavi’s scholarly account is a rare find.

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In early 2010, Ma Yaohai [in China] was sentenced to three and a half years in prison.

Debate over Ma’s conviction was heated. One commentator, Ming Haoyue, insisted that group sex is “decadent behavior” that challenges social morality and adversely affects “the normal social order, thus hindering the pursuit of the majority of people for good behaviors.” Haoyue further observed, “Chaotic, indulgent sexual activities may fuel other evils.” A blogger charged Ma with inciting “social chaos”: “You led a 22-person orgy. You have destroyed ethics and morality.” Chinese sexologist and activist Li Yinhe protested the verdict in the media, however, arguing that criminal laws against “group licentiousness, prostitution, and obscene products (pornography),” all victimless sexual crimes, were draconian remnants of the Cultural Revolution. Experts estimate that fewer than one hundred thousand Chinese participate in group sex, although a chat forum dedicated to swinging on the website “Happy Village” has more than 380,000 registered members....

...Western swingers don’t risk hard labor in prison, death by hanging, or exile. Perhaps this is part of the reason swingers have a reputation for being fairly politically conservative. Outside of radical utopian communities, early social science literature on swinging in the United States found participants to hold “general white suburban attitudes.”

...[yet] sexual practices have been linked to ideals of personal and social transformation in societies throughout history. Sex, as play, can become a way of learning about oneself and others. It can become a way of reimagining oneself. In certain contexts, sexual practice can also become a way of reimagining the world, sparking revolutionary hopes. As group sex involves relations of witnessing and being witnessed, it is uniquely and powerfully positioned to serve such purposes. Group sex is ripe as transgression and often promises transcendence — although it does not always deliver either.... Just consider: If a twenty-two-person orgy can “destroy” the ethics and morality of a country with a population of more than a billion, it’s a powerful weapon of social change. Or, at least, it feels like one to some people.

...Sexual experimentation alone, Mahdavi cautions, does not automatically transform society. But the disenchantment that had been building in Iran, along with the fact that people had begun stealing moments of freedom and pleasure, created changes in their thoughts and actions — not just around sex, but toward everyday life more generally — that did spread to the political realm.

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...Whether increasing openness about sexuality is best seen a precursor to the Arab Spring or a consequence of the ensuing regime changes is debated, but sexuality is linked to visions of change put forth on both sides of the struggles....

Read the whole article (July 28, 2013).

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Trailblazing in Hong Kong

Hong Kong Standard

"We trail the rest of the world when it comes to tolerating alternative views of sex and marriage," writes Kenneth Foo in the Hong Kong Standard. "That's the opinion of those behind the Fifth Hong Kong Sex Cultural Festival."

Sex festival sees more as best for happy marriages

...They say the [HK] territory needs to be more open-minded and are advocating group marriages as a solution to the high divorce rates in modern society.

"We hope the festival can open up the public's views towards alternative systems of marriage because the traditional relationship between one man and woman is getting outdated," founder Emil Ng Man-lun said.

With the theme "Sexuality Untied: Spatial, Social and Relational," this year's festival seeks to further society's understanding of the multiple views of sexuality in order to promote tolerance and harmony in the community.

With almost one in every two couples getting divorced these days, group marriages may be a viable option, Ng said....

Hong Kong Sex Association president and festival organizer Stanislaus Lai Ding-kee knows such liberal views are bound to draw flak from conservatives and religious groups, but stresses they are not demanding people ditch monogamy right away.

"Rather, we want them to be aware that there are alternative systems for relationships out there like polyamory that may be possibly better than the traditional monogamous relationship," Lai said.

Polyamory is a practice where individuals are consensually open to loving more than one person at a time.

Lai said Hong Kong is sexually conservative due to the heavy influence of conservative Christian and romantic values on sex that recognize monogamy as the only way to love.

He added that Western countries, and even [mainland] China, are far more accepting of unconventional approaches to sex and marriage....

The whole article (Mar. 6, 2012).

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Glimmers of poly in the Philippines

Philippine Online Chronicles

If you wonder what today's Catholic Church would do if it were larger and stronger, look at the Philippines, where it is. Divorce is outlawed; many Filipino couples live outside the law in second partnerships without legal, financial, or property protection. The Church has partly succeeded in stamping out birth control, especially by the one-third of the Filipino population officially living in poverty — who don't have the money or connections to get around the anti-contraception regulations. The average woman in this category reportedly has six children and tells pollsters she wanted two. The new president (elected last year) promises to revoke the birth-control restrictions, calling them a major cause of Philippine poverty, backwardness and misery, but despite popular support he faces a furious fight from the Church establishment.

Don't even ask about healthy sex and relationship education.

And yet alternative cultures exist there, sort of.

The Philippine Online Chronicles is a large, quasi-mainstream web magazine funded by an arts-and-education foundation. It calls itself "both a media network and news curator, a platform for alternative viewpoints and a synthesizer of ideas."

Of monogamy, polyamory, swinging and being third party-hardy

By Libay Linsangan Cantor

Since our culture is so hung up on the concept of monogamy, it becomes “natural” for people to condemn individuals who stray from it. It doesn’t matter if you’re LGBTQ or straight or where your geographic location might be. To [all] people, issues that revolve around this concept remain essentially the same, and they react essentially the same way.

Here in the Philippines, the concept of being the third party in a couple is automatically lambasted. Women who find themselves in this position are often branded as traitors, home-wreckers or people who are in the habit of snatching partners. Yes, in short, they are evil.

But what if they’re not? What if, in certain situations, they could also be considered as victims?

In the LBTQ community here in Manila, third party issues also occur in certain spheres but in different contexts compared to the straight circles. Intersecting with the heteronormative world, I have encountered friends and acquaintances — all self-identifying lesbians or bisexual women — who shared stories of pairing up with heterosexual women who already have either a boyfriend or husband. We can only second-guess the reasons why these straight women choose to secretly engage (yes, we were always their secret) with women from our community.... These queer third party people usually end up as the martyrs....

Not that these queer women don’t know what they’re entering.... Sometimes, set-ups like these work for them....

When I first circulated within the Manila lesbian community, the issue of infidelity was the number one topic du jour, and the community is still sensitive about this, actually, up to now. Since the prevailing mode of relationships gear towards homonormativity — meaning being coupled and trying to build a home/family together and stay as partners for x number of years — anyone or anything that mars that homonormative set-up is considered an abomination.

...I guess open relationships would only work if the original couple has enough trust with each other and if they are honest about everything from day one.... If couples are amenable to also introducing all parties involved in their setup, then there is no need to identify a certain individual in an oppressive hierarchical fashion as “the third party” – even if the rest of queer society would look at them that way, I’m sure.

...Some people merely dismiss polyamory as being promiscuous in this country, so I guess we really have a long way to go when it comes to such non-monogamous unions to flourish. I guess most Filipinos don’t want to share that easily....

In the end, regardless of what relationship setup a queer woman chooses — as long as it’s a healthy relationship, that is — her community should be supportive of that.... If we are truly fighting against discrimination against us, then perhaps the first thing we should do is not to discriminate against each other when it comes to our individual relationship setup preferences. Let’s walk the talk, shall we?

Libay Linsangan Cantor is a media practitioner, a film school professor and a Palanca-award winning fictionist. She blogs at leaflens.blogspot.com and leaflenspopmedia.wordpress.com.

Read the whole article (April 25, 2011).

On the same site, a day later:

It's complicated: Third party issues, open relationships, and love

For the past several years, I have been unable to label the kind of relationship I am in. No single word seems appropriate when talking about my relationship status. Even the term “it’s complicated” seem not enough. It’s that complicated.

... A fact of life; I will always be in her life and she will always be in mine, a constant third party that no one can shake or replace.... And all these time, not really talking about what we meant to each other. It was as if there was an unwritten yet understood rule that we were not to talk about it.

Maybe the closest description would be an open relationship.... On one of those rare moments when we actually talked about what we had, she said she was amazed of the fact that after all these years, and after the number of people who has come and gone, we still find ourselves in each other’s company....

Read the whole article (April 26, 2011).

A heartfelt introduction to a blog article:

Polyamory — Is It for You?

Because of the basically Catholic upbringing of Pinoys [Filipinos] — which, in itself, is already bad enough — we were brought up that sex is a bad thing [no, it's not!!], that it can only be used for procreation, that we can only have one and only one life partner, that, once married, we are committed to this person "till death do us part", and that we cannot have more than one relationship, sexual or otherwise, with anyone else anymore — because of this very strict upbringing, men most specially hide their "other" relationships from their girlfriends or wives for fear of reprisal from them and from the community they belong in....

Enter polyamory—

And then the rest of the article has been deleted from the server.

Another sad blogger, who found some poly FAQs overseas:

...I am also actually trying to be polyamorous, the problem is that here in the Philippines, it’s hard to find a female who will agree to that.

I’m very happy, though, that some people elsewhere can find people who are just like them. Who can not only understand them, but can also mingle and share the same belief as they do.

Count your blessings, people.

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Open marriage in Indonesia

Jakarta Post

Non-monogamy has always been common across cultures worldwide, say anthropologists. But now the relatively new idea is spreading, generally from the Western world outward, that consensual, equal, open, honest versions of non-monogamy — done with respect and care toward everyone concerned — are at least possible. Sometimes. Though they often have to stay hidden.

This article appeared in an English-language newspaper in Indonesia:

The Polyamorous Love

By Agustina Wayansari, Contributor

...Open marriage, loosely defined as a marriage in which partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without being regarded as infidelity, is barely a novelty in what is a seemingly conservative society like ours, although it gained less notoriety than the case of polygamy, which has been accepted in the country for decades.

But some people just don’t want to admit that open marriage is an accepted practice in the country, believing that it could only happen in a more open society such as the US, where it is known by its other name, polyamory. Newsweek magazine in its July 2009 edition reported that polyamory, relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners, has started to gain a following. Those who practice polyamory insist that they are not swingers or looking only for casual sex.

...Among a small number of people who agreed to talk to The Jakarta Post is a couple of ten years, Lala and Rama, not their real names.

This couple has its own definition of marriage. “We love each other and we are both happy with this kind of arrangement, but I believe other people would not see things the way we see them,” she said....

“It’s better to be labeled as a cheater rather than being found to have this type of arrangement,” said the 39-year-old businesswoman. “People will call us sick. What do you think? Do you think I am sick?” she asked, chuckling.

...Irwan Martua Hidayana, an expert on sexuality and gender at the University of Indonesia, said the open marriage arrangement is a fact of life in big cities such as Jakarta, where nobody could have control over other’s people lives.

...Irwan said that open marriage could also be the by-product of globalization, which rendered old values irrelevant. Exposure to Western values, known to be more tolerant of sexual freedom, had resulted in a change in notion of sexuality and relationships.

...He said that individuality was valued more in modern society, and if an institution such as marriage stood in the way of realizing individuality to its fullest, people could have the freedom to leave it. Irwan said from a gender-study perspective, women nowadays have equally strong positions as men.

“The privilege of having more than one partner is no longer the privilege of men. Now, for some husbands, they can easily accept when their wife has affairs with other men,” he said....

Read the whole article (July 25, 2010).

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"Making honesty the cornerstone of your relationship": Open marriage advocated on China coast

Macau Closer

Jenny Block gets around. The author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage visited Macau on the coast of China last year and ended up being interviewed by the glossy women's magazine Macau Closer for its annual wedding issue. She spoke on a wedding topic close to her heart:

The Open Alternative

Can you briefly explain why you feel so strongly that open relationships should be considered an acceptable alternative to conventional marriage for those who choose them?

I believe that individual choice is the cornerstone of the human experience. There are so many different kinds of people. So it only makes sense that there would be all different kinds of relationships too. I feel strongly about the rights of consenting adults to live and love in a way that feels authentic to them. (As long as it does no harm to others, of course.)

How do you think local culture impacts on the social acceptance of open relationships, particularly in Asian countries, which tend to be more male dominated and conservative?

I think culture plays a huge part in the acceptance of less common relationship styles. I do think it will be difficult for open relationships to become widely accepted in a male dominated conservative culture. Change can be slow, and it can even be painful, but it is necessary. And, in the end, in this case, I believe it will also be good. Very good.

...Being open is about communicating with your partner, evolving as a couple, and making honesty the cornerstone of your relationship.

...What advice do you give individuals or couples who are considering the idea of open relationships? Does this advice differ depending on whether a person is currently single or currently in a relationship?

The advice is the same. If you are interested in pursuing an open relationship you need to arm yourself with as much information as you can. Read everything. Join online newsgroups, and be prepared to talk, talk, talk with everyone with whom you are involved or want to be involved. Being in an open relationship is just like being in any other kind of relationship. If it’s going to work well, you have to commit to making it work well....

Read the whole article (April 2010 issue). It's available in English or Chinese; Macau is a port city that, like larger Hong Kong nearby, is a former European colony (Portuguese) and now a semi-autonomous "special administrative region" of China.

Also: Block writes that she's gotten a regular gig writing two columns a week for "Fox on Sex" at the Fox News website. Fox News gave her a trashing when she appeared on the show last year — but no hard feelings; Rupert Murdoch's properties don't care about their collapse-of-civilization rants, they know sex sells and are happy to bring their trashees on board accordingly.

And here's a brief TV appearance Block had earlier this year on "Virginia This Morning" (WTVR in Richmond, Virginia).

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