Polyfamily speaks out on TV after flag is stolen from porch

This just in: A polyfamily speaks out on Kansas TV news after an American Pride flag was snatched from outside their home. It's powerful coverage for the nature of poly, from KCTV5 News in Kansas City. Watch here:

Pride, Patriotism stolen from KCK front porch

By Betsy Webster, Maggie Holmes

KANSAS CITY, KS (KCTV) -- Five days before Independence Day, someone stole a veteran’s flag off his front porch. But when KCTV5 News started talking with him, we found out there was more to it.

The flag was in its bracket on their front porch, but it wasn’t a standard issue flag, which might explain why someone stole it.

CJ, Brandi and Brooke, husband, wife and girlfriend, have been living together as a polyamorous triad for about a year.

“We are faithful to each other but it’s just the three of us and we feel like we have so much love to give, that why limit it to one person,” Brandi said.

Last month, they saw this and it spoke to them:

A tribute to CJ’s seven years in the Army,

His three years as a Sheriff’s Deputy,

A celebration of their atypical approach to love,

And affirmation for all those who love differently from the majority.

...Early Sunday morning, a man who had his face covered, snatched their flag from their front porch.

“We were in a way defeated at first, but then kind of charged, to like, this is not going to happen,” Brandi said.

Several variations of American flags fill their neighborhood heading into Independence Day. CJ wonders if the thief saw his version as a desecration. But to him, it’s no less patriotic than the flag he readily salutes.

“It was still an American flag. It just had an additional meaning,” CJ said.

The three doubt they’ll ever know who did it, but they felt violated, uneasy, then galvanized and realized, maybe they could make a difference if they could help people better understand their way of life.

...“I would have sat out there for half an hour having a conversation with him,” CJ said.

“I love seeing them love each other,” Brooke said. “CJ loves seeing me and Brandi love each other. And Brandi loves seeing me and CJ love each other. We all love love. It's infinite.”

They said they’re an open book, out to family, but misunderstood by many who equate polyamory with people who just want to spice up their sex life. They said it’s about so much more.

As for the flag, they have ordered another one and plan to hang it as soon as it comes in.

The original with video (June 2, 2019).

Congrats, you guys. You did great on camera. Happy Fourth.

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"Ethical cheating" using OpenMinded.com, on Kansas City TV news

KCTV-5


"Ethical Cheating"? I hate that phrase. Cheating is unethical by definition. What's ethical isn't cheating by definition. But we're going to see more of this kind of talk, as more mainstream people try swimming the poly waters while loaded down with unexamined cultural-assumption baggage.

In this case, a well-meaning mid-America TV news program profiles an apparently nice, well-meaning local couple who are hunting for their (female) third using the Las Vegas-based dating site Open Minded. Watch the segment here (3:45).

The text story on the station's website matches the video pretty closely:

Ethical cheating: Inside look at the polyamorous lifestyle

By Ellen McNamara, Anchor

Liz and Garrett have been... married for more than seven years. They say their relationship is strong but something is missing. That something, they say, is another woman.

...Liz and Garrett’s polyamorous lifestyle is in the minority but not as much as you may think. New York University estimates five percent of American relationships practice some form of “consensual non-monogamy.”

“It wasn’t like we went out looking for this. It kind of fell into our lap,” Garrett explains.

A few years ago Liz and Garrett had a friend. She spent a lot of time with them and soon the three found themselves in a romantic relationship. When that part of the relationship ended, the couple realized they missed her and wanted a similar relationship with someone else.

“We’re not looking for somebody to have threesomes with and one night stands. Yes, sex would be a part of the relationship, the way it is for a marriage, but that’s not the primary thing,” Liz explains.

Liz and Garrett are on the dating site Open Minded. The site launched in April and promotes polyamory, which means being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. It does not promote polygamy.

“We like to call it, ethical cheating,” said Brook Urick, a spokesperson for the Las Vegas-based site. “There are so many people who are in relationships who are unhappy. They’re cheating and being adulterous. It would be lot easier if they were just in an open relationship and be honest about what they want with their partner.”

About 40 couples in the Kansas City area have signed up along with 70 single men and 60 single women.

Urick adds, “I think the public doesn’t understand polyamory. People are very vanilla. Very modest.”

Dr. Doug Greenens, a psychiatrist in Johnson County, said there is no evidence that supports monogamy as a healthier way to maintain an adult relationship....

Just don't call it ethical cheating! Read the whole article (November 17, 2015).

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Vice magazine ran an interview in June with Open Minded's founder, Brandon Wade:

Having Sex with a Bunch of People Might Save the Institution of Marriage

[Originally titled, "The Man Behind the Original Sugar-Daddy Site Is Investing in Polyamory"]

By Toby McCasker

Brandon Wade is a 44-year-old MIT grad with a receding hairline and glasses.... In recent years the former software engineer has founded WhatsYourPrice.com (where men bid on first dates), CarrotDating.com (where men offer "incentives" in return for a rendezvous), and the original sugar daddy hub SeekingArrangement.com. Now, he's taking advantage of a growing public interest in polyamory with his latest venture, OpenMinded.com.

Brandon Wade and his wife.

Polyamory is when a relationship involves several people and couples. It's not cheating because everyone is in on it, nor is it a basic open relationship, as all those involved are emotionally invested. Brandon noticed and capitalized on this cultural shift by creating a site to match couples who want to keep it tight while playing fast and loose, and not let their network of open relationships interfere with their marriage. Although guilt-free open relationships sound like a pretty sweet deal, he's quick to point out that getting everything you want actually takes more work and communication than just sticking with one person....

He does say some good things:

"Open relationships are really not simple. People think, Wow, these are hippies sleeping around like nobody's business. There's a lot of communication, and a lot of emotional consideration, as well as mental processes before people can successfully engage in open relationships. You go back to the basics of brutal honesty: communication, communication, communication...."

"...So polyamory is unique because it's more about building a sort of community, rather than just each person having a series of relationships. But I feel that connectivity would bring so many issues. Well, you'll be interested to know I'm working with my legal team on a pre-dating agreement. It's like a prenuptial agreement that we'll be making public, hopefully by the end of the year, so that people who are about to start dating each other can negotiate the conditions and terms and put them on a piece of paper. That way, when they do break up, things can be done in a cordial and organized manner."

The whole interview (June 30, 2015).

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"It's Better with Three"

The Pitch (Kansas City, MO)

In its February 14th "sex edition," amid some pretty gritty stuff, Kansas City's alternative newspaper interviews a local university professor about her research on polyamory and safer-sex practices. The article also profiles two local poly groupings at length.

If a UMKC researcher is right, bringing a third into your bedroom could make you healthier and happier.

By PETER RUGG

...Chell's idea to bring a third person into her [BDSM-heavy] marital bedroom wasn't just about fun. The trio has formed a powerful emotional bond — which is not unusual among polyamorous lovers. "There are things Spawn needs that I can't give him sometimes," Chell says. "I'm a small girl. I understand I can't deal with his needs in every situation."

There's little research on how such relationships work. This is where Terri Conley comes in. A University of Missouri-Kansas City assistant professor of psychology, Conley has begun a yearlong study of about 300 people in polyamorous relationships. She's preparing a questionnaire that will measure risk behavior, satisfaction, emotion and other psychological factors.... Conley believes her research might show that people in polyamorous relationships are safer from STDs — and may know a secret about how to make relationships work.

...Conley has taught a class on human sexuality since she came to UMKC in 2006....

She became interested in polyamorous relationships in California when she saw a mathematical simulation showing it was safer [in terms of HIV] to have sex with 100 partners and use a condom every time than to have sex... with a partner of unknown health status and not use one.

Heads up! Read that again, please! (And for more on this, see Joreth's post in the comments.)

She started wondering about the way monogamy was sold as an answer during the early days of the AIDS crisis.

"There was a surgeon general warning going around about how you should know your partner, but how well you know your partners doesn't really have anything to do with whether they have an STD," Conley says. "And people in a close relationship try to get rid of condoms as early as possible, and they're actually leaving themselves wide-open for something to happen. So those things got me wondering to what extent monogamy really was a good approach to safer-sex issues."

Conley compares the monogamy-only message to adults with abstinence-only sex education for teenagers. The two ideas, she says, cause people who can't live in a monogamous relationship to suffer from guilt and a potentially dangerous habit of cheating. "If it's not serving its health purpose, then we need to scrap the monogamy-only message."

Conley saw that very little research had been done on polyamorous relationships and that most of what was available was years out of date. None of it seemed to focus on health factors.

So Conley, along with Amber Hinton, a graduate student in psychology, is preparing a detailed survey. She hopes the results will answer questions about whether it's safer to be involved with more than one person. The survey will also question whether a relationship is invigorated when one member seeks outside companionship, and if having multiple relationship roles can actually make a person happier.

If polyamorous relationships do tend to include people who are as safe and happy sexually, it'll open new questions about how we deal with complex emotions.

"I do feel somewhat outside of normal researchers," Conley says. "My grad adviser said, 'You don't want to go on the job market as a sexuality researcher. The projects can require an enormous amount of work and patience. It has to be something you really just want to find out.'"

There's the chance that reaction to her latest study could single her out in other ways, if it turns out that people might be healthier with more partners.

"I do sometimes worry what will happen if my hypothesis is supported," she says. "Someone could take it badly, as [if it's an attack on] some religious or moral argument. But it isn't about saying something is moral. It's about presenting the truth."

The article goes on to describe a young couple's difficult transition into open marriage many years ago:

First, [Owen and Louise] had to agree on rules. Neither was allowed to go on a date if the other did not have a date the same night at the same time. Each had veto power over the other's choice of date. Each had to be home by midnight.

Based on what Conley has seen, this is a common arrangement for polyamorous relationships. Establishing ground rules is important to sustain the primary relationship, Conley says. She expects the answers to her survey will help better understand how rules govern polyamorous relationships. It's one area — communication — where polyamorous couples might have monogamous couples beat, she says.

"Monogamy tends to have more general assumptions about what's supposed to happen," Conley says. "If you have to tell your partner what you want sexually, you burst the romantic bubble that they know exactly what you want. If you're in a polyamorous relationship, you're forced to deal with it."

...Louise was able to get a date almost immediately... Owen, meanwhile, decided to go to a swinger's club... Louise and Owen were both home by midnight, honoring their agreement. She didn't know what his reaction would be.

"So, did you have a good time?" Louise asked.

"Yeah. It was really different and really weird. Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah. Are you OK?"

"I am."

That was it.... Now, 27 years into their polyamorous relationship, Louise and Owen have dropped most of the rules. They still have veto power, but only Louise has used it, and only on rare occasions.... The tricky part is meeting people who understand their relationship. In case one of them isn't around to assure the potential date that neither of them is a cheater, they've drawn up what they call "hunting licenses."

"I can just open up my wallet and say, 'See? My wife's cool with it,'" Owen says.

The relationship has become so successful that they have decided to start teaching other people. Louise gives talks on polyamorous relationships at wicca fairs. A year ago, they began offering a class through Communiversity. (They teach the class under the pseudonyms Louise and Shaggy Man.) They'll start their third class in March. Most of the students are younger, and the classes are split about evenly between men and women. Last semester, Louise made a guest appearance in Conley's classroom to talk about polyamorous relationships. "Condoms, condoms, condoms," Louise said. "That's what I tell everyone who asks about it."

The entire lengthy article (Feb. 14, 2008) is partway through a very long file of several articles chained together. To find it, scroll about a third of the way down.