Openly poly trans woman is Colorado Dems' pick for Congress

Misty Plowright

Colorado Springs is a pretty hopeless place for a Democrat to run for Congress, but the Dems in Colorado's 5th District had a primary on June 28th and chose Misty Plowright to run against Republican Rep. Doug Lamborn, the popular five-term incumbent.

Plowright is not only trans but open about her poly household with her wife and their male partner. Her campaign website says, "All 3 partners support each other emotionally, physically and financially." Two years ago, Misty and Lisa gave Sebastian a wedding ring.

All this is getting attention, the trans part more than the poly part.

In the Department of Coincidences, Misty Plowright is not to be confused with the other trans woman named Misty whom Democrats in the next-door state of Utah chose on the same day as their candidate to run against Utah Senator Mike Lee. That one is Misty K. Snow. She too faces overwhelming odds.

From an article about Plowright in The Guardian:

Transgender nominee for Congress: 'It's about damn time' politics got inclusive

...She is an unusual Democrat — an unusual politician — in ways beyond her gender identity.

A crack shot with a rifle, she does not like guns but would not take them away from others. She’d also like to own a Hello Kitty AR-15. A self-proclaimed “computer geek”, she thinks the next big civil rights movement will concern artificial intelligence and the ethical issues that will arise “if we create a sentient intelligence”.

But most of all, she was raised by a single mother who had to work three jobs and still barely got by. She remembers the month her mother earned $50 more than usual, and they lost the government benefits that helped them survive — subsidized housing, food stamps, free school lunch.

“Frankly, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of people up on Capitol Hill who know what it’s like to bust their ass and still not make ends meet,” she said. “I’ve stared at cat food and wondered if I was really that hungry. No one in Congress knows what that feels like.”

...She knows that representative Doug Lamborn will “throw the kitchen sink at me” when they face off in November.

“He’s going to attack me on the trans piece,” she said. “He’s probably not going to gender me appropriately. And he’ll hammer me on the poly bit.”

The “poly bit” Plowright was referring to is her unusual living situation, which she mentions in passing on her campaign website. She and her wife Lisa, who have been together for nine years, share their home and their life with Sebastian.

She describes him as “a gentleman we’ve known for several years. Two years ago we were in Vegas for the World Series of Poker. We got him a ring. We consider it to be our marriage to him”.

The biggest hurdle to success in November, she said, isn’t the fact that she is transgender; “a lot of the people I talk to don’t care”. And it’s not her polyamorous relationship, although she acknowledges that it “has raised a few eyebrows”.

“I think the biggest challenge to overcome”, she said, “will be the D next to my name”.

And the point in running at all in such a district?

Win or lose, [the two Mistys] have a shot at changing perceptions nationwide at a time when Americans seem increasingly receptive.

“This is smart politics,” said Ted Trimpa, a Denver-based political strategist. “Realizing you have an uphill battle, you use the platform of a race for US Congress in order for people to see that transgender people are like everyone else, with the same struggles. To see them in the flesh, in real life.

“I think it’s brilliant,” he continued. “I’m jealous I didn’t think of it”.

Read the whole article (July 4, 2016).

And at Yahoo News:

'I chose to live': Transgender congressional nominee Misty Plowright talks about her historic victory

...It seems especially fitting, then, that in the same week she became the Democratic congressional nominee for Colorado’s most conservative district, the U.S. military lifted its longtime ban on transgender troops — a move that Plowright, a veteran of the Army, called “long overdue.”

...When asked how her largely conservative constituency has responded to the fact that she and her wife of nine years are currently in a polyamorous relationship with a man, the candidate said that “so far the voters that I’ve talked to frankly don’t really care that much.”

“They’re much more interested in issues like jobs, national security, defense, guns, property rights,” she said. “They’re very interested in the issues, not so much my personal life.”

Perhaps that’s because, as Plowright pointed out, she’s long kept the two separate, choosing to focus her political platform more on the economy, for example, rather than LGBTQ rights....

I just chipped in a small campaign contribution as a show of support.

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A Fox station covers a Loving More convention

It's a cautious dance whenever a TV crew is invited to cover a Loving More convention, as happened last month at Rocky Mountain Poly Living in Denver.

Robyn Trask, who became Loving More's director 11 years ago, made it her mission from the start to spread polyamory awareness to the world at large. That means courting the media. But many polyfolks are not out, and a convention really must be a safe space for everyone.

Her solution has been to put strict limits on what reporters and especially film crews can do. They are introduced to the crowd on opening night. No one can appear in a photo or video clip, even momentarily in the background, unless they choose to wear a wristband that means "I'm OK with being photographed." The crew's time at the convention is limited. Sometimes, people who want to talk on camera only do so in a designated place. The media reps agree to the rules beforehand in writing, and the agreement has legal weight. As far as I know there hasn't been a problem.

On arriving at Rocky Mountain Poly Living, we were told that a film crew from the Fox affiliate in Phoenix would be present. When they were introduced at the opening gathering they looking kind of grumpy to me, as if they weren't used to such restrictions. Most of the crowd-filming they could do was restricted to the masquerade ball later that evening. I was nervous. Would the masks and costumes give them an easy way to make us look weird?

Yesterday the report finally aired on the news in Phoenix. I needn't have worried! Watch here:



Here's the text on the segment's webpage, pretty much a transcript of what aired (May 17, 2016):

In the middle of a major spring snowstorm, the streets of Denver seem deserted, but it's a celebration of love, at the National Loving More Convention in the Denver suburbs. Here a wife may be dancing with her boyfriend, and her husband doesn't mind. That's the polyamorous way.

"It is loving more than one in a committed relationship, it's that simple," said Torin Caffrey.

"I just came to terms with the fact I wasn't a monogamous person, if that meant I had to be alone then I would rather be alone than cheat or be dishonest," said Robyn Trask.

"For me it just comes naturally, I love seeing Robyn happy, so the thought of her going out and seeing her giddy it actually just warms my heart," said Jesus Garcia.

Robyn met Ben years ago at a conference, and the two have been close ever since.

"Over time anything is going to change, and when people see that there are options they didn't know they had, some of those people are going to be interested," said Ben.

People came from across the country to attend the conference; some say they've been "polys" as long as they can remember, others are just learning about it. Attendance at the event has grown every year, and the organizers say the younger generation tends to be much more accepting of the lifestyle.

"I always knew that our family was a little different from our friends, but I never really paid a lot of attention to it until about age 11 when I noticed some of my mom's friends weren't just friends," said Marina Trask.

Trask has nothing bad to say about her mom's lifestyle. She says she is polyamorous too.

"I feel like my mom being polyamorous made her more honest with me, she used the same honestly, she did with me, and she did with her partners, and any child would want to have that honest with their parents," said Trask.

Seminars at the convention were taught by longtime supporters of the lifestyle; one literally wrote the book on polyamory.

"Love doesn't equal ownership if I'd go to a party and people would say who do you belong to, and I would say didn't slavery go out a long time ago, I really believe love is about giving not about clinging," said Mim Chapman.

Make no mistake we live in a monogamous world; we've all heard about swingers, but polyamory, supporters say, is different. It's more about long term relationships than flings. But with those multiple relationships come a range of emotions, including jealousy.

"With a polyamorous relationship it is important that a person is ready to give time to each of the people they are involved with, give emotional space to each person they are involved with," said Frances.

Scottsdale psychologists Morgan Frances and Marcus Earle counsel couples and have had some experience with polyamorous relationships.

"If anything you have complicated your life. It takes a lot more work. What I found about the polyamorous relationships is a commitment to communicate with one another. To be honest in that communication to stay with the process until they come out with an outcome that everyone feels good about," said Marcus Earle.

It's a growing trend in the Valley too.

"Right now we have over 700 members," said Marla Curtis.

Curtis runs a meetup group for polyamorous people in Scottsdale.

"I have been married to my husband for 31 years, and I have a girlfriend that I have been with for over 12 years," said Curtis.

We went to a meeting at a Scottsdale restaurant, but for privacy reasons the cameras stayed outside. Polyamory is clearly not widely accepted, and reputations and jobs are at stake.

"There is a lot of worry being outside the norm, that it could adversely affect your life," said Curtis.

All those worries seemed to be put aside at the Denver convention, where they proudly promote a polyamorous life.

"Really it translates into many loves, and it's done honestly and ethically with all the partners involved knowing about the relationships," said Trask.

Trask says her polyamorous relationships have lasted decades; her monogamous ones did not last very long.

We couldn't have asked for better. Yay in particular for Marina! And on Fox no less.

Another plus: Pieces of this good stuff may get used in future reports elsewhere on the Fox network.

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"For polyamorous families, three hearts are better than two"

Westword (Denver)

Facing out from newsboxes all over the Denver area today, Colorado's largest and oldest alternative newsweekly presents, for Valentine's week, the above cover design with the teasers "Big, Big Love. For polyamorous families, three hearts are better than two." Inside is a multi-page, 2,700-word profile of a successful longterm triad. Excerpts:

For polyamorous families, three hearts are better than two

By Jenn Wohletz

Reggie Alexander is a good-natured guy. It's a trait that serves him well.

Sitting on the couch in his Denver home, he's holding hands on his right with his wife, Eeza Alexander, who is dark-eyed, playful and eager to let Reggie know when he's made a bad joke. His left hand, meanwhile, is intertwined with that of Cassidy Browning, who is thoughtful and confident.

Reggie and Eeza and Cassidy, all in their mid- to late forties, are a couple. Well, not a couple. They are a polyamorous triad — a group of three committed partners living together in a relationship under one roof. In their case, Reggie explains, he acts as the "hinge partner. It's a relationship where the person at the center of the V is fully involved with both of the people at the ends of the V, but they are not as fully involved with each other as they are with the person at the center."

Cassidy Browning (left), and Reggie and Eeza Alexander play together and work together. (Photo by Anthony Camera.)

And after six years of living in this group, Reggie is used to being in the middle of everything — including their California king-sized bed. "It's hard to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom," he laughs. "It's an athletic accomplishment."

The literal definition of polyamory is "many loves." But in practice, the term usually applies to non-monogamous but ethical relationships where the people involved believe in honesty, consent, open communication and trust. In fact, the general principles of polyamory are similar to those of monogamy; you just have to do the same things more often, and with more partners.

For the most part, mainstream culture has associated polyamory with swinging, hippie love-festing, cheating and, of course, certain religious groups, either current or historic. The Mormons, the most well-known of these, no longer officially embrace polygamy, but some splinter groups still practice it.

But the image of polyamory is changing, especially with reality-TV shows like Sister Wives and Polyamory: Married and Dating. And, anecdotally, many monogamous couples are changing their relationships to be what sex-advice columnist Dan Savage calls "monogamish."

In fact, Reggie, Eeza and Cassidy believe that having a long-term relationship with more than one person is a significant accomplishment at a time when divorce rates in the U.S. continue to increase, nasty breakups seem to be the norm, and everyone knows someone who isn't getting their needs met in a monogamous relationship.

"Our society...is looking for alternative dynamics that work," says Reggie. "The days of the traditional nuclear family being the only model are giving way to other options."

**********

That tradition is how Reggie and Eeza got their start. The two fell in love in high school in Edmond, Oklahoma, and got married in 1984, before Reggie graduated....

**********

...After spending three years discussing what they wanted out of a new relationship dynamic, they tried Polymatchmaker.com, an online dating site with a specific theme — and found Cassidy.

...But making the relationship work, physically and emotionally, wasn't easy — and it took time.

"I got jealous big-time in the beginning," Eeza says. "It's just something you have to work through. I still get jealous every once in a while, but I've learned to deal with it. Reggie does his best to make us feel special."

...Reggie adds, "In the beginning of the relationship, we did briefly explore a threesome sexual relationship, but the ladies decided it just wasn't what they wanted. We do all sleep in the same bed every night, although we also have a schedule in place where each of the ladies has one-on-one time with me several times a week. I am fortunate enough that being affectionate or even sexual with one of them in the presence of the other is not usually an issue."

Their living situation did prove to be helpful in many other ways, though, especially when it comes to their family income, responsibilities and goals.

Shortly after getting together, the trio started a small business, Poly's Pleasures Chainmail. Using updated fourteenth-century technology, they hand-create jewelry, halter tops, bikinis, skirts, panties and even kilts out of chain mail. They've sold their pieces to stores and travel to trade shows nationwide.

At the same time they started Poly's Pleasures, Reggie and Cassidy began writing erotic fiction together....

**********

...In addition to writing, the group also does a lot of talking. In particular, they spend time explaining their lifestyle to family and friends, associates and acquaintances — mostly trying to educate them about what poly isn't (a no-holds-barred, free-for all naked orgy) along with what it is (a committed relationship, like any other).

"Swingers have sex, poly people have conversations — lots and lots of conversations," Reggie says. "To me, they are related but different subsets of the alternative-lifestyle arena."

...A pretty common question for the ladies is what in the world they could possibly get out of two women sharing one man — without hair-pulling and Jerry Springer-like drama.

Cassidy has a ready answer for this. "Once you get past the notion that your man should never be interested in anyone else, you begin to understand the benefits of having more adults in your household. We share cooking, cleaning and errand duties, we each get a little more 'me' time than we would if we were running individual households, and on those nights when one of us is just not 'in the mood,' there's someone there to take care of Reggie."

Eeza agrees. "It's nice having Cassidy around," she says. "We share the chores and spend many companionable nights doing chain mail together on the couch. We do a lot of girly-type stuff together and enjoy each other's company."

"I love being able to be emotionally connected to more than one other person — to be able to combine my energies, talents and desires with those of my partners and accomplish so much more than I would ever be able to do on my own," explains Reggie. "Both of our businesses are a prime example of this. I tried for twenty years to start a side business and to write a novel, with no success. Once Cassidy joined us, the extra push her energy gave when added to ours allowed us to start and grow a chain-mail jewelry business.

"To me, that in and of itself is the proof that poly can be a great thing for those willing to put the effort into it," he adds.

Thanks to television, polyamorous relationships aren't as foreign of a concept as they used to be, which has helped Reggie, Eeza and Cassidy in some situations....

There's a BDSM D/s relationship in the mix, and an error in judgment about coming out at work, and two adult daughters with differing opinions. Read the whole article (Feb. 14, 2013).

They're happy with the article. Posts Cassidy, "Thank you, thank you, thank you to Jennifer Wohletz for doing such an awesome job! You rock!!!"

Update, same day: The author has put up a second, companion article on Westword's website: Five myths about polyamory — and why they persist (Feb. 14, 2013).

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"What We Can All Learn from the Poly Lifestyle"

OutFront Colorado

More poly-positivity in the gay world, this time in a spiffy looking gay magazine published in Denver. The title above is the cover line. From the article inside:

Sharing is caring: Monogamous couples could benefit from polyamorous communication skills

By Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS

Gone are the days of marriage defined as “between a man and a woman.” For some, also gone are the days of a relationship refering to just two people. From swinging couples who enjoy a fun night of partner swapping to polyamorous triads, quads and moresomes, the concept of consensual non-monogamy is gaining force.

There is still little research on consensual non-monogamy and on the LGBTQ community as a whole, and what has been done has usually been done with a huge bias in mind. Assumptions frame the studies, which are full of hinky approaches: That clearly, gay men are hypersexual. Let’s prove this by showing that they just can’t stay in a monogamous relationships. It’s hard to track how many LGBT people live non-monogamous lifestyles, and how – or why – they choose it.

Like the word queer, consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term that can refer to a slew of different relationship constructs.... But for all, the number-one priority is communication, according to relationship and intimacy therapist Dr. Jenni Skyler of Boulder.

“Those who already operate from a place of non-monogamy, or are making the move to do so from a place of safety and trust, often find great benefits in the relationship as it pertains to communication,” Skyler said. “In short, non-monogamous relationships force partners to communicate deeply and to work with jealousy.”

That’s hardly something driven by lust. Dr. Skyler argues “monogamous couples could take some lessons in communication from successful non-monogamous couples because all of us can benefit from deep, transparent communication.”

...For David Washburn, 50, of Lakewood, the idea of loving multiple people was one that developed from a much younger age. He shares, “I lived most of my life knowing that I felt love for more than one person at a time, and yet felt societal pressure to choose, and to hide my bisexuality as well.” Despite these social norms, 12 years ago he perused a relationship with a bisexual couples and ended up meeting his wife. Six years ago, they opened up their relationship. By choosing consensual non-monogamy, he has also been able to experiment with and accept his orientation; “I feel the primary benefit of being non-monogamous is being able to live my life truthfully. I have been able to have a couple of relationships with men … I reconnected with someone whom I had loved during my first marriage.”

It’s important to note that non-monogamy, while a very valid choice for many folks, is not without its pitfalls....

...Whether you decide to stick with just one partner or to open up your life to a variety of lovers, partners and friends with benefits, it boils to communication. In the world of sexuality and relationships, communication is always key.

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a Colorado native, fierce femme and board certified sexologist. She believes strongly in open source, accessible sexuality education, and loves teaching adults how to optimize their sex lives.

Read the whole article (June 20, 2012).

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Colorado photographer displays her polyfamily self-portraits

WestWord

Elsewhere in graphic arts exhibits, this time in Denver...

A day in the life of an alternative relationship in Let's Get It Straight, at Ice Cube Gallery

By Tiffany Fitzgerald

Julie Puma had a month to put together her new show, Let's Get it Straight, and she diverted from painting, her usual medium, into snapshot aesthetic photography. The biggest challenge for Puma wasn't the medium, however. Rather, it was spotlighting her own personal life.

Let's Get it Straight offers a look into the ordinary lives of people in three unorthodox relationships — two homosexual partners, one transgender woman's marriage, and Puma's own polyamorous relationship. She... notes that she struggled with the idea that her relationship would be on display.

"I used to be really scared about people finding out about my relationship," she says. "But, if we're going to take a stand about marriage, then it's about the right for everyone to have a family the way they want to have a family. I went back and forth on whether to call the piece about me "Julie, Charlie, and John," or "Untitled." I chickened out at the last minute. That was kind of wussy."

..."I think we need to redefine what it means to be married," she says. "I see more and more couples, or families, who either split-up or cheat and lie. But for some reason, when people are honest about their relationships and still have wonderful family values, all the things Americans want out of a family, the general public has a hard time moving away from how we originally define marriage."

For more information, visit Puma's web page, or Ice Cube's web page. The show runs through April 21.

Read the whole article (April 12, 2012).

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The Governor Mark Sanford affair

It's been more than a week since South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's disappearance, reappearance, and tearful revelation on national TV of his tragic love affair with the Argentine woman he calls his soul mate.

Yes, he's a screwup for cheating on his wife, deserting his post, and failing to "choose the difficult right over the easy wrong" — both by his own Christian lights and my poly ones. But this isn't about another scummy politico getting nookie on the side. This is about a conservative, middle-aged man who was utterly blindsided by falling genuinely, life-changingly in love — while boxed inside an ideology of Christian monogamy that leaves him no basis to understand what happened to him, except maybe that the Devil attacked.

So, I seized on this as a teachable moment. I posted to the new Polyamory Leadership Network¹ saying we ought to crank out a press release explaining that while dishonesty and cheating are never good, there are other ways to love more than one; that falling in love while partnered does not have to be a tragedy; and that some people are making it work wonderfully all around.

Robyn Trask, director of Loving More, grabbed the ball and ran with it. Within hours she wrote and sent out a press release to Loving More's list of 150 media contacts.

That was on June 25th. So far, no joy; I haven't seen a peep of mainstream-media interest in discussing the poly alternative. (However, keep an eye on Newsweek, a little bird tells us.)

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Let's back up a bit. To grasp what's going on, read this Washington Post account of Sanford's incoherent, emotional press conference ("I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina so I could repeat it when I got here"). And read his leaked e-mails to Maria. Excerpts:

I remember [wife] Jenny, or someone close to me, once commenting that while my mom was pleasant and warm it was sad she had never accomplished anything of significance. I replied that they were wrong because she had the ultimate of all gifts — and that was the ability to love unconditionally. The rarest of all commodities in this world is love. It is that thing that we all yearn for at some level — to be simply loved unconditionally for nothing more than who we are — not what we can get, give or become....

How in the world this lightening [sic] strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure.... In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I wish I could wish it away, but this soul-mate feel I alluded too is real....

I looked to where I often look for advice and counsel, and in I Corinthians 13 it simply says that, “Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the right, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things”. In this regard it is action that goes well beyond the emotion of today or tomorrow and in this light I want to look for ways to show love in helping you to live a better — not more complicated life....

I also don’t want you walking away from some guy (I take it the younger guy you mentioned at dinner) because of me — and what we both have to see as an impossible situation. I better stop now least this really sound like the Thornbirds — wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie’s arms....

...In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul. I love you ... sleep tight. M

I have to respect that, no matter what the circumstances.

Here is Loving More's press release. Excerpts:

LOVING MORE® non-profit is all too familiar with Governor Mark Sanford’s challenging situation. We are an organization that helps and supports people in finding ethical, mutually agreed-upon ways for loving more than one person in honest multi-partnered relationships. We help partners consciously negotiate their relationship styles and agreements, whether monogamy or polyamory, with ethics and integrity.

Loving More Executive Director Robyn Trask issued the following statement.

"My heart goes out to Mr. Sanford, his wife and kids, and to his lover in Argentina. In my job I am contacted by people from all walks of life going through similar challenges of loving more than one.... We live in a culture that is in denial of the fact that many people are capable of, and do find themselves, loving more than one person, and we laden them with guilt for loving. People are calling Gov. Sanford's case a "sex scandal," but if you listen to Mr. Sanford and read his words, it is obvious this not about sex but about love and connection; it would be better described as a love scandal. Is he a hypocrite? Yes, but he is also human. The real scandal is denying the impossibility for some of monogamy. What would happen if in our culture, ethical, agreed-upon polyamory were as acceptable as monogamy?

Politics aside, this is a man in crisis because we as a society have decided there is only one right way to have a loving relationship....

And she quotes Michael Rios, a Loving More and Polyamory Leadership Network member:

“I'm no fan of Sanford, nor the hypocrites of either party, but the real story here is that monogamy is *not* the right choice for a lot of people. Even with such strong convictions and so much to lose, these 'family values' types keep stepping out of line. They aren't *that* weak — a weak person couldn't have gotten to where they are.

“...There are millions of Americans of both genders who have found a way to be honest and responsible while loving more than one romantic partner. The practice of this is called 'polyamory'. When many people first encounter this idea, they realize that their style of loving is not immoral, disturbed, or inferior. Many of these people have been living this way for decades, having long-term stable relationships, raising children, and being responsible members of society....

“I keep waiting for some politician to have the guts to say (as a number of European politicians have done), 'Yes, I love both of them, and intend to keep both of them in my life.' ”

Robyn continues with the example of former Colorado Governor Roy Romer:

Loving More is aware of one politician who did just that, Colorado Governor Roy Romer in 1998. When questioned about his relationship with former aide B. J. Thornberry, he admitted to a 16-year relationship. Denying that it was an affair, Governor Romer explained that he had a close and complex relationship with Thornberry, and he further clarified that his family and wife were aware of the relationship all along and that it would continue. Romer defined to the press that marital fidelity was about “openness” and “trust”. Although there was some shock at his statements, it is interesting to note that when he acknowledged the relationship openly the press quickly lost interest.

With these latest developments involving a high-level politician who has a longstanding rhetoric of “traditional family values”, Loving More is even further committed to educating people from all walks of life about open, honest loving alternatives to monogamy. There is no one-size-fits-all model of relationship.

Read the whole press release (as it appears on the Practical Polyamory blog of Anita Wagner, one of Loving More's three-member board of trustees).

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Update: On July 1st, a dumb marriage therapist on ABC-TV's "Good Morning America" compared Sanford's situation to polyamory. Keith B. on the Yahoo PolyGeezers group responds,

Find the video clip at http://abcnews.go.com/gma labeled "Can Gov. Sanford Save His Marriage?" After the news clip, there's a little Q&A with 2 "experts". The woman compares the governor cheating on his wife for 8 years to polyamory. The video timer counts down, so go to about 3 minutes left and you'll get the full remark.

Her name is Dr. Bethany Marshall from Los Angeles, CA:
http://www.bethanymarshall.com/

Flame Away!!!

Apparently the video clip is now down, but flaming is still in order.

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P. S.: Here's a noteworthy essay at OpEdNews.com about the Sanford affair by Federico Moramarco, a retired English professor at San Diego State University. Excerpt:

Isn't it time that we stop talking about the sanctity of marriage in this country and start talking about the sanctity of truth?

...The data on U.S. sexual behavior is notoriously unreliable. Studies over the past several decades have produced diverse estimates of male infidelity, ranging from 25 percent to 75 percent of men cheating on their wives.... According to a recent survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, 25 percent of men have had extramarital affairs, while 17 percent of women have committed adultery.... [But} why would anyone ever tell the truth about having fallen in love with someone other than one's spouse, when virtually all his fellow citizens, including the pollster taking the information, would see him/her as immoral?

I purposely used the phrase "fallen in love" rather than "cheated" because I was struck by a recent poll... among 20-29 year olds, in which 48% of respondents told an AOL Personals Survey that they believe you can be in love with more than one person at the same time....

...The reason the Sanford and Ensign affairs have aroused such enmity is not only that these men were unfaithful, but that they were also hypocritical.... But shouldn't we consider our own hypocrisy as a nation on this particular issue as well?

...The word "polyamory" has come into fashion over the last few years, although the concept has been around for a very long time....

And see nleseul's essay at Daily Kos:

...Because love isn't clean. It doesn't organize itself for our convenience into neat little social breeding units. It's terribly messy. ...Affairs, impossible choices, unrequited wishes, unfulfilled fantasies, lovers who should never have become life partners, life partners who would be better platonic, friends who might as well be lovers, temptation, surrender, guilt, loss, regret, anger, compersion, jealousy, and sometimes even happiness.... The Greeks were right in imagining it as a blind youth with a bow, firing haphazardly into crowds and laughing maniacally at the chaos that results....

More and more ordinary people... are questioning that framework. They are loving as they will and choosing paths through life that acknowledge their loves, and as a result concepts like same-sex relationships, transgenderism, polyamory, BDSM, sex work, swinging, platonic relationships, and casual hookups have come almost into the mainstream of cultural discourse....

But the culturally conservative political and cultural elite continue to lag behind the values of the broader culture. ...They simply follow the scripted rituals and hope that love will conform itself into the paths that have been chosen for them. And until one of them stands up and refuses to mouth along with the ritual, the pain will continue — for themselves, for their families, for all the people who look to them for moral leadership.

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¹ The Polyamory Leadership Network is a collection of poly-awareness activists who decided to get together to share ideas and resources. Its members make no claim to represent anyone but themselves; "leadership" here means "doing good stuff off your own bat without waiting for someone else."

The PLN started in October 2008 with a meeting of 34 activists in New York right after Poly Pride Weekend. The second "summit" meeting brought 64 activists to the Philadelphia area at the end of February 2009; it was held right after Loving More's Poly Living Conference in the same hotel. At this meeting, many volunteer committees and working groups were set up — for such projects as media advocacy, recruitment and training of public spokespeople, creating a speakers bureau, collecting legal resources for polyfamilies and their lawyers, outreach to and support of monogamous partners, college and TNG ("The Next Generation") outreach, creating materials for health/sex educators and therapists, fundraising, obtaining tax-exempt educational status, and other brainstorms. However, followup action has frankly been slow.

Work is done mostly through collaborative Google Groups. Membership is by invitation, and by filling out an application about yourself and your poly work. The best way to get invited is to accomplish good stuff in public that gets you noticed. Or write to me; I'm on the membership committee.

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Robyn Trask on the Steve Douglas Show (and thoughts on women poly leaders)

KOA News Radio, Denver

As a result of being profiled in her local newspaper, Loving More director/editor Robyn Trask got invited onto the nationally syndicated Steve Douglas radio show for a one-hour interview and call-in (Nov. 13, 2006). She was her usual articulate, voluble, insightful self. You can listen to the show (22-megabyte .mp3 file). Some interesting bits:

"In our national database that we have here at the magazine, we have 13,000 people, and that probably only represents a very small portion of the polyamorous community."

"Our hope is to reach out to and educate as many people as we can about choices in relationship, no matter what those choices are.... My relationships are certainly healthier [than before embracing polyamory nine years ago]. I say that because I have more intimacy and more honesty in my relationships. I can be more authentic and more real. I can be honest that yeah, I'm attracted to somebody, I can speak about that, I don't have to hide it or pretend that it's not happening."

"We [Loving More magazine] had a survey a few years ago, and one third of the community identified as Christian" in some form.

"We're very afraid of jealousy in our culture. Instead of running away from jealousy, in this community we have a tendency to face it — to look at it, and see what is it about. Is it about the relationship? Is it about insecurity in myself? And what can I do to resolve the problem? Rather than run away from it, or blame...."

With jealousy "It's not a matter of getting rid of it. Rather than 'getting rid of it,' you 'move through it.' For me, it's a process of looking at what it's telling me about myself. Jealousy is like any other pain. When we feel a physical pain it's telling us there's something wrong — our hand is burning and we need to move it. Jealousy may tell us there's a problem in the relationship, or we're feeling insecure in a relationship and need to talk to the person, and say, 'Here's what's going on for me.' It may be that we just need to speak about our feelings and be heard. And then again it may be — like for me, about seven or eight years ago, I really didn't like the person I had become, because I wasn't being authentic and honest about who I was to myself, or living my life the way I felt from my heart — and that was where the jealousy was coming from — that I didn't like myself. And I went on a whole quest to learn to love myself again."

"More men are open to the idea [of polyamory] in the beginning. More women handle the dynamics and the emotional part of it better."

After hearing from such a good spokeswoman, that last comment about men and women brings to mind a big shift in poly sociology that's happened in the last 40 years. I'm certainly not the first to point it out.

When the modern era of multipartnering emerged in the counterculture of the 1960s and 1970s, it was pretty much led by men. Think of Oberon (Tim) Zell, founder of the Church of All Worlds; Bro Jud (John Presmont), founder and leader of the groundbreaking Kerista commune (to which we all owe a debt); and any number of other counterculture gurus. The two key writers in creating the movement were very male: science-fiction author Robert A. Heinlein (no counterculturalist!) and Robert H. Rimmer (The Harrad Experiment, Proposition 31, etc.). We can't skip — admit it — Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Philosophy. The free love of that era sometimes had male-entitlement overtones that put women off. In fact, female reaction against it played a key role in the birth of modern feminism, which gestated in the counterculture around 1969-70.

By contrast, today's polyamory movement, which got going in the 1980s and 1990s, has been a remarkably female enterprise. A good majority of its creators, leaders, authors, and spokespeople were and are women.

Think of Deborah Anapol (Love Without Limits); Loving More founder and powerhouse Ryam Nearing and her successors Mary Wolf and Robyn Trask; Dossie Easton and "Catherine A. Liszt"/Janet Hardy (The Ethical Slut); Wendy-o Matik (Redefining Our Relationships), Celeste West (Lesbian Polyfidelity); Morning Glory Zell, creator or popularizer of the word "polyamorous"; Jennifer Wesp, creator of the original alt.polyamory usenet newsgroup; Janet Kira Lessin, Polyfamilies Yahoo group founder Noel and her successor Julie; Polyamory Weekly podcaster cunning minx; Northwest poly event organizer Theresa Brennan; Anita Wagner; Unitarian-Universalist poly leaders Jasmine Walston and Valerie White; academics Elizabeth F. Emens, Elisabeth Sheff, Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio, Geri D. Weitzman, Joy Davidson, Elaine (Cascade Spring) Cook, Leanna Wolfe, Meg Barker, Barbara M. Foster; and on and on. (Apologies to folks I missed.)

Male poly leaders have certainly accomplished a great deal, but there are fewer of them.

Any theories why?

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"Love by the numbers"

Daily Camera (Boulder, Colorado)

Robyn Trask, director of Loving More magazine and its conferences, is profiled by her regional newspaper along with several other local polys:

On Thanksgiving, Robyn Trask will get together with a large group of friends and family for a potluck in her Broomfield home. There will be turkey with all the trimmings and plenty of side dishes. All 40 or so will participate in the belt-straining meal, laughing, talking and piling food on their plates. The only difference: If someone says, "Honey, pass the mashed potatoes," more than one person may reach for the dish....

Trask estimates that about 500 people in Colorado belong to a polyamory group, although she says many more likely could be polyamorous....

Read the whole article.

The state of Loving More. While we're on the subject, Loving More seems to be getting its act back together after several years of disruptive ownership changes and lack of funds. In particular, Robyn has worked out plans to get the magazine back onto its quarterly publishing schedule. Looking to the future, Loving More recently became a non-profit organization, established a board of directors, and applied for 501(c)3 tax-exempt status. It is trying to raise $30,000 by the end of the year for a variety of projects, a much-needed website overhaul (volunteers welcome), and to keep the magazine afloat.

If the tax-exempt status goes through, your donation now will become tax-deductible retroactively. Mail it to Loving More, PO Box 4358, Boulder, CO 80306, or by PayPal. I have given heavily, so I feel fine asking you to. Robyn is dedicated and energetic, and this is the only credible national poly awareness and education organization that I see anywhere on the horizon. Read the appeal.

The new board of directors consists of Robyn; her mother Jimi Phillips, a retired business owner; poly counselor and public spokesperson Nan Wise; Jesus V. Garcia of Santa Cruz, California; and longtime poly activist Akien MacIain of San Leandro, California.