Polys vs. Swingers: staring down the stereotypes

Boston Open Relationships Examiner

Kamela Dolinova's Boston Open Relationships Examiner gives a weekly listing of poly, sex-positive, and swinging events every Monday, an "Open Questions" column every Wednesday, and her thoughtful essays. The site is a fine model for what you could create in your own city, and the ready-made Examiner platform seems like an easy way to do it.

Two months ago Dolinova stirred up a hornets' nest that I had thought was going dormant, with her call for polys and swingers to collaborate better. Her article got wide attention (ahem) and kicked up a fury of discussion on various sites. Yesterday she followed up:

Swinging and poly: what's the darn difference, anyway?

A lot of people responded to my article on the conflict between swingers and polyamorists.... I want to address the issue honestly, and try to come to an understanding.

Some folks reacted in exactly the way I was attempting to problematize in the article: "But we're poly, not swingers! We're not the same! Polyamory is an identity, swinging is an activity! Not that there's anything wrong with that..." and so on. To these folks I say: yes, I know, I know.... I pointed out many of the differences between the general cultures in the article, and was merely trying to say that perhaps we could do better at working together, as we are both sexual outlaws....

The real problem... is that it's easy to pigeonhole and stereotype each group.... [Nevertheless] I'm going to lay out some generalized differences. Please note that these will very likely be incomplete, inaccurate on an individual level, and possibly insulting. I'm simply trying to lay out some of the differences as they tend to exist....

Swinging is about sex; poly is about relationships. By and large, this is true.... The problem: In making this distinction, there is often an implied condemnation of sex for sex's sake. What some poly people seem to forget is that really, sexuality is the main distinction between having multiple romantic relationships and just having a bunch of close friends.

Swingers tend to shun gay and bisexual men; poly communities embrace them. This, unfortunately, also tends to be true.... The problem? Where do I start?

...From many anecdotal reports, it seems that the usage of barriers for sexual interaction in swinger communities is a lot less de rigeur than it is in poly communities. While I'm betting that most couples who swap will throw on a condom for intercourse, things like the "glory hole" parties at Choice Social Club suggest that barriers for oral aren't exactly the norm.

...Polyamorous communities are not immune to this problem either: there are definitely more bisexual women than men in the Boston community, and gay and lesbian folk don't tend to hang around much at all. There is a growing movement toward making safer spaces for male-male sexual interaction within the Boston community, however. People's personal codes of safer sex conduct differ as well, though there's a strong tendency toward safety.

Swingers tend to be more mainstream in their everyday lives; polyamorists tend to be more alternative.... The problem: By living too far outside the mainstream, polyamorists can isolate themselves in ways that can be harmful....

On the other side, swingers can find themselves in positions of hypocrisy.... As one commenter pointed out on my previous article, it's difficult for swingers and polyfolk to be allies if swingers are unwilling to live their non-monogamy publicly.

Readers: please feel free to comment and argue away about any of this, and remember: these are blanket statements that encompass not necessarily the truth of what currently goes on in either community, but the larger view of what the differences between the communities are.

Go have at it. But read the whole article first, not just these snips.

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Polys vs. Swingers, as viewed from today

Boston Open Relationships Examiner

The "poly vs. swinging" debate has died down in the last five years or so, praise be. The two subcultures, similar in theory but different in who they attract, may be learning not to over-stereotype and diss each other. And there's always been crossover and middle ground.

Now, in her smart Boston Open Relationships Examiner blog, Kamela Dolinova presents a clear and knowledgeable perspective on the two cultures.

Open war: the polyamorous versus the swingers

...Many polyamorous people define themselves in opposition to swingers, and in fact, at least locally, swingers tend to dwell outside of the intersecting subcultures that one often sees gathered together: the polyfolk, queers and kinksters, the geeks and gamers, the DIYers and cohousers, the pagans and atheist-engineers. I can speculate a number of reasons for this... but what I also hope for is a greater understanding between the two groups, who often see each other in a negative light.

In 2004, a friend of mine named Pepper Mint did a wonderful presentation at the Building Bridges conference and shared his notes for that presentation online. The presentation sought to bring together polyamorists and swingers under the identity umbrella of nonmonogamy....

Swingers tend to be vilified by mainstream culture, but also tend to be more a part of it than poly people.... Given the mainstream viewpoint of swingers and [their] desire to continue operating within the mainstream culture, it's no wonder that many of them remain extremely private about their swinging.

...Unlike swingers, poly people often must be out at least to a certain extent: after all, it is difficult to pretend to everyone in the world that you don't have two husbands. Your kids are certainly going to notice, your neighbors probably have a good idea....

By and large, swingers seem to see themselves as normal folks who are just out having some excitement on Saturday nights.... They are often happily suburban, Christian, and ranging from working class through to wealthy. Aside from their adventures with other couples, which admittedly sometimes turn into long-term, dating-like friendships, swingers tend to fully participate in Normal Life(tm).

Poly people, on the other hand, are often life-hackers: people who are interested in doing things differently from the norm to see if they work better for them.... Many polyfolk are entrepreneurs in the widest sense: not just running their own businesses but generating the business of their lives....

...Swingers have the challenge of working within the mainstream even as their life choices are condemned by it. And polyamorists are working to make their choices acceptable to the mainstream even as they often reject its other strictures.

...If we banded together rather than remaining so separate, perhaps the larger culture could expand a bit, and discover that more is possible: it's certainly happened before. But to start with, we might simply try not judging each other.

That's just a skim off the top; read her whole essay (March 10, 2010).

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Meanwhile, an important new book on swingers is out: Swinging in America: Love, Sex, and Marriage in the 21st Century by Curtis R. Bergstrand and Jennifer Blevins Sinski. Curt Bergstrand, a sociology professor, gave a talk at last month's Poly Living conference: "The Rise and Decline of Monogamy in America." The book, published by Praeger (November 2009), is an academic hardcover. From the publisher's description:

Drawing on an extensive survey of [1,100] real people and over 40 years of research, this revealing volume proposes that a nonmonogamous lifestyle may be healthier for marriages than a monogamous one.

...Significant social science research suggests that the standard of monogamy has become a destructive force both on marriages and parenting, and that nonmonogamous relationships actually provide a more viable blueprint for relationships today.... [Bergstrand] concludes that nonmonogamous relationships such as swinging and polyamory offer a new blueprint for combining sex and love — one that may prove more in line with the way people actually live their lives in our society.

Swinging in America begins with what we know about swingers and the swinging lifestyle, based on personal narratives and over 40 years of sociological research comparing swinging and non-swinging couples on factors such as personal happiness, marital satisfaction, psychological stability, and personal values. The second half of the book explores the historical rise and contemporary decline of monocentrism — the sexually monogamous marriage as the organizing principle underlying our culture — and the implications of this decline for new nonmonogamous relationships and marriages.

...Centers on the largest survey of swingers ever undertaken, comparing married swingers to a national scientific sample of married nonswingers on 40 questions about their lives.

A much more popular-level new book on The Lifestyle is The Swinger Manual; see review (March 9, 2010).

Whatever you think of the swing scene, it's way bigger and better organized than the poly world. But it usually comes into public view only for its giant conventions in Las Vegas and Florida, and for police busts of party houses (often triggered by neighbors' complaints of noise and traffic). One such battle in the suburbs of Dallas prompted the alternative weekly Dallas Observer to follow up with a long feature article on the swing scene, ranging from its low to high ends. The article is a little old (Sept. 18, 2008) but still interesting.

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More swinging in the news

Following up on my previous post....

A slick new online magazine for swingers has just appeared: Kasidie.com, based in Denver. This is from the publisher's press release:

...Kasidie.com is a total departure from what the general public might expect to find in an online swinger magazine. With no personal classified ads, chat rooms, or gratuitous pornographic material, Kasidie has taken an intellectual and creative approach to exploring the lifestyle of swingers. Through information, conversation and some sexy stimulation, Kasidie aspires to overturn prejudices and preconceived notions about sexuality and the modern swinging lifestyle.

"Most people hear the word "swinger" and they immediately focus on the sex," say Kasidie's publishers, Scott [Purcell] and [his wife] Nicoleta. "But the swinging lifestyle is really not about sex, it's about sexuality and it's about friendship....

Read the whole press release. Note: the Kasidie.com site has a porny look (despite the press release) and is Not Safe For Work.

The Denver Post and other papers ran an article (Jan. 8, 2008) about the magazine's launch and Scott Purcell, the web entrepreneur behind it. He brings real money and a track record to this venture, and the first issue is very professionally done. He says,

In five years I'd love to be the Playboy of the swinging world.

I admit to a little poly jealousy here (actually that would be envy) about how much bigger and better the swing world is able to do things than we can. So far.

Heck, it's big enough to support a line of designer swinger's watches, with Mary Carey promoting them. You can check out the SwappWatch at booth #68 at the upcoming Swingfest in Hollywood, Florida. "These elegant but playful watches aim to promote discreet connections among lifestyle couples by providing them a means of identifying each other easily and openly in social settings."

The poly equivalent would be infinity-heart pins and jewelry. (For instance, from Abzu Designs and PAARC.) I've worn a little infinity-heart lapel pin off and on for a couple years now, and never yet has someone spotted it and said "Omigod, do you know about poly?" Maybe someday....

Some swinger demographics: Gypsey Teague of Clemson University writes,

I just finished a project attempting to identify the percentage of swingers in [several states] and look for some form of comparison between red and blue states. What I didn't expect to find was there is no comparison. Within 4 tenths of a percent, all [seven sampled] states had 1.6% of their population swinging. It didn't matter whether the states were red or blue. The predominance of the population on the sites monitored were Boomers, not X, Y, or Millies....

No reference yet; her study is unpublished. 1.6% of the U.S. population would be 4.8 million people, which is more or less in line with other estimates.

Update March 5, 2008: There's a big article in the March Boston magazine, "Hooking Up with the Joneses," about the supposedly roaring swing scene here in the Boston suburbs. The most fascinating part to me, however, is the high-drama catfight going on in the article's comment section between local swingers and party organizers. Reminds me why I stay away from The Lifestyle. Poly Boston and Family Tree seem so gentle, kind, and civilized by comparison.

Update on "Swingtown," March 8, 2008: The CBS drama "Swingtown," about young suburban lifestylers in the 1970s, will debut on CBS May 29th at 10 p.m. Thursdays. 

What will it mean when this show appears on mainstream TV? Blogger Galahad predicts we'll have to do damage control. Read what he has to say about this and other portrayals of swinging and alt sex on network TV at The Sideshow Menagerie.

Swinging in the news

Newsweek and elsewhere

The tension between polys and swingers is legendary. The stereotype on the poly side is that swingers are superficial players, shockingly careless about safer sex, more burdened with mainstream baggage than they imagine, and sometimes not too bright. The swinger stereotype about polys is that we're all talk and no action, deep into angsty processing, and elitist. There are kernels of truth on both sides, but of course most people don't fit these molds.

The fact is, there's a lot of crossover. Many people have happily settled in somewhere between the ends of the spectrum: "swollies." Couples who swing sometimes develop a deep (even exclusive) life relationship with another couple. Some were looking for polyamory without knowing it and just found the swing world first because it's so much bigger and better organized. And on the other side, some polys have nothing against a bit of friendly NSA (no-strings-attached) sex with near-strangers at a monthly party.

Swinging has been a part of American life since the 1950s; it supposedly began among military families in postwar California. The public often associates swingers with the 1970s: shag rugs, disco balls, polyester. But in recent years, swinging has grown in numbers and organization.

And it is getting a new uptick in mainstream notice. This is sure to increase when the CBS drama "Swingtown", about suburban-Chicago swingers in the 1970's, debuts on mainstream broadcast TV. (The show was scheduled to premier in January, but the Hollywood writers' strike has delayed it probably until late spring or summer.)

Newsweek just published a long feature article about a swing club in a private home near Dallas that was recently busted after complaints about noise and traffic. Party-site shutdowns like this happen all the time nationwide; see the media updates by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, NCSF. But they don't usually get featured in a national newsmagazine:

Suburban swingers

By Gretel C. Kovach

Jim Trulock and Julie Norris look like an average suburban Dallas couple. He's a graying middle-aged divorcé pushing 60. She's 30 years younger but partial to frumpy floral dresses. But on weekends their late-'70s split-level house in the southwestern Dallas suburb of Duncanville is transformed into "The Cherry Pit." Tubs of whipped cream are laid out with the chips and dip on the yellow Formica countertop. A garland of thong panties adorns a kitchen wall. After a game of Naked Twister or a turn under the disco ball, Jim and Julie and their most intimate friends might pile into their steamy oversize hot tub. And for the, ahem, climax of the night? A semiprivate romp in a side bedroom or a more gregarious encounter on white sheets in "the pit": a half-dozen beds pushed together in front of the fireplace.

Jim and Julie are swingers — couples who socialize sexually with other couples or singles living "the lifestyle," as they call it. Surprisingly, the Cherry Pit parties held in the Texan notch of the Bible Belt went relatively unnoticed for years, despite attendance of sometimes 100 or more invited guests....

...One common misconception about swingers, [Norris] says, is that they have troubled relationships. "Many people who are swingers believe that it saved their marriage. Now it's part of their marriage and part of who they are. But it has to be something you need or are interested in."

...No one knows how many swingers there are, but there is a growing number of Web sites, clubs and resorts that cater to the swinging lifestyle. Robert McGinley, founder and president of NASCA (informally known as the North America Swing Club Association)... now 74, became an activist for the swinging lifestyle almost 40 years ago with his wife. Today there are swinger clubs operating as public businesses or gatherings in private homes in almost every major city in America, he says....

Read the whole article (Dec. 14, 2007).

Another article, from the Chicago Tribune last August:

Swingers' Sexploits

by Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz

Were it not for the hard-core porn flickering continuously on the TV, you might have thought it a regular house party. A DJ was spinning hip-hop. Guests chatted casually over a buffet of fried turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and bundt cake.

But the one-year anniversary bash this month for Tha Sex Kittens — a Chicago "adult social group" that includes couples, bisexual women and some single men....

Though swingers play behind closed doors, the lifestyle is alive and well in the U.S. — and growing, thanks to the Internet. On weekend nights in the Chicago area, the sexually uninhibited can find parties where partner-sharing is the norm.

On the second floor, two "invitation-only" rooms with neatly made beds awaited couples seeking company for their sexual escapades. A separate "ladies only" room beckoned women with bisexual tendencies.

...The annual Lifestyles Convention in Las Vegas this month drew some 2,200 people for a full weekend of swinging.

"All you have to do is look at the prevalence of adultery," said James Fleckenstein, president and CEO of the Institute for 21st Century Relationships, the Herndon, Va.-based foundation for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. "Some people are willing to come to terms with this natural tendency and say, 'Is there something we can do that will strengthen our relationship and not destroy it?'"

While there's no official number, an estimated 2 million to 4 million people in the U.S. participate in swinging....

Read the whole article (Aug. 24, 2007).

A Reuters business report about the financial side:

Swingers are growth business for U.S. firms

By Adam Tanner

LAS VEGAS, Aug 20, 2007 (Reuters) — Matt Virtue, who works as a consultant at a Washington law firm, says he spends more than $10,000 a year to attend conventions, hotels and clubs where he and his girlfriend can have sex with other partners.

"Any other hobby that I was into at 40 years old is going to cost me $10,000," he said from a hot tub he was sharing with his girlfriend and a couple with whom they had been intimate the night before. "Dude, I'm addicted to it, there is no doubt about it."

Such enthusiasm has turned what were once private passions into a multimillion dollar business. Lifestyles Organization, the nation's largest swinger services company, has annual sales of about $15 million.

Swingers also bring in millions of dollars to specialty clubs and hotels in the United States as well as Jamaica, Mexico, France and elsewhere.

...Conventions bring Lifestyles $4 million in annual sales; their travel business booking swinging guests into resorts such as Hedonism II in Jamaica or Desire in Mexico bring in another $10 million to $12 million a year, McGinley said.

"We relax our already liberal rules to accommodate the Lifestyles Organization and make the entire resort clothing-optional," explained Richard Bourke, general manager of Hedonism II. He said Lifestyles Organization books $2 million of rooms a year over six contracted weeks....

Several hundred clubs nationwide also cater to swingers. Jeff James, who works for Club Freedom Acres in San Bernardino County east of Los Angeles, said 225 to 260 couples visit on a typical Saturday night, paying $85 each, with a similar number on Fridays paying $65. "It's doubled in daily attendance in the last three years," he said....

Read the whole article.

And here's an ABC-TV Nightline report from a year ago highlighting the recently opened Desire resort (Dec. 15, 2006).

Here are my entries from the last two years that involve swinging in the news.

NY Post: "Meet the New Swingers"

New York Post

To boost its low Sunday circulation, the New York Post — a scuzzy Rupert Murdoch tabloid — has just added a glossy, gossipy Sunday insert: Page Six magazine. The September 30 issue has a four-page article that portrays polyamory, or maybe swinging, as the hippest new trend of New York's Beautiful People. Or something. Judge for yourself:

Meet the New Swingers

They're beautiful, urbane and possess multiple degrees — and multiple partners. How a group of young New Yorkers are reinventing sex in the city.

By Melissa Lafsky

"We spend a lot more time ensuring that we have a lot more sex than the average person," brags Joe, a man with sandy-blond hair and a perma-grin. "An average person has, say, 15 to 20 partners by the time he hits 30. The average poly person more likely has in the hundreds."

Welcome to the Poly Hour, an invitation-only monthly mixer for polyamorous or "poly-curious" men and women in the five boroughs. Around 50 twenty- and thirty-somethings are mingling in a West Side bar, ordering drinks with names like "Yes You May" (a pinkish blend of vodka, melon liqueur and cranberry juice) and "The Threesome" (Captain Morgan, Bacardi and peach schnapps) and greeting each other like old friends. A lot of them are — in fact, some have slept together, sometimes in groups, or even traded wives or boyfriends.

Tonight women dominate the scene, outnumbering the men almost two to one. "The guys are more carefully curated," says Reid, a blond, tan surfer guy and professional sex educator who co-founded the party seven months ago. "It's a bad scene when you get some horny jerk in a space where women want to feel safe."

Once you get past this introduction (and the headline and the dim, cheesy make-out photos), the article is useful and informative:

...The term polyamory, literally meaning "many loves," is based on the idea that relationships can be conducted with multiple partners at the same time. Casual sex is allowed, but the focus is on bonds and feelings. And unlike the swinging culture of the '70s, it's not only about sex. "The point is to date more than one person with honesty, and give them the positive experiences and respect they deserve," says Diana.

Beyond that, the rules — how many, how much, how often — are up to you. "Some people have hierarchical structures, with primary, secondary, tertiary, etc.," says Tessa, a 34-year-old psychologist and New York native who is currently juggling four relationships, two of them long-distance. "I have multiple partners who are all equal — for now."...

Poly has particularly picked up recently among younger women. "Each meeting is a record breaker. The last was almost 70 people," says Birgitte Philippides, leader of Polyamorous NYC, the largest poly organization on the East Coast....

Simply having sex, however, isn't necessarily the goal. "The outside perception is that [poly] is about lots of partners. For me, it was just about having the option," says Marcia, who lives with Reid and considers him her primary....

Safety is a must: "Use latex with everyone," [Marcia] explains. "And we get tested every six months." Beyond that, they have general guidelines for choosing partners: "Don't pick up people who are high-maintenance or really needy. If you're afraid to say something, that means you need to say it. The main rule is 'no drama' — if you have emotional stuff, it's yours. No blame allowed."...

"[Poly] is trendy right now, and there are people doing it badly," says Marcia. "It's common who hear about people who cheated and got caught, and then said, 'Well, I'm poly, I need to do this.'"

As for the age-old question of marriage and children, poly women say their lifestyle lessens the anxieties surrounding the search for the One. "For me, it's about not wanting to reach my late 20s and suddenly be in a husband chase," says Diana. "I know I want to have a child eventually, but I don't want to spend all my time screening the perfect mate. Poly lets me try out more than one person at a time."

Still, poly is hardly an escape from the work of relationships — and it's not for those seeking an easier alternative....

Read the whole article (PDF image of the pages).

The author, Melissa Lafsky, talks on her blog about writing the piece:

It’s about New York women who practice polyamory (no, it’s not an exotic new kind of yoga). I doubt I’ll ever delve into the lifestyle for more than observational purposes (I can barely skirt the cliff of dysfunction in one relationship, let alone five) but I figured people who can keep multiple sexual/emotional bonds going at the same time without going all Son of Sam must have some wisdom to depart to the rest of us. And they do.

Advice column: poly for swingers

American Chronicle

"Ask Dan and Jennifer," an online newsmagazine's relationship-advice column, takes up the poly-vs-swinging discussion. Before you roll your eyes again, consider that there are (by my best estimate) roughly 50 self-identified swingers in the U.S. for every one self-identified poly, and that many of the people who discover polyamory do so by the swinging route. This is an important audience to reach, so that they understand the options and can weigh them for themselves.

So you’ve been enjoying the swinging lifestyle for a few years, and are having a blast.

But what if it starts growing into more than just sex with friends — or friends with benefits? What if your husband or wife starts developing romantic (a.k.a. love) feelings for your playmates? Dare we call it polyamory?

...The swinging lifestyle is typically about sex! You get together, you play, and then you go home. That's kind of what it's about. But polyamory takes it to a new level and, what I would consider, a much more enlightened level where you are actually in love relationships with multiple partners. It's a true and total sharing of one another and not many couples (or individuals) are able to do that....

Read the whole article.

Incidentally, while we're on the topic, Reid Mihalko posted this a few weeks ago:

Just wanted to alert you all, if you haven't heard already, that CBS has a mid-season [mid- 2007-08 season] replacement called "Swingtown," a show about the Lifestyle (swinging) in 1970's Chicago. The pilot script ain't half bad and I'm very interested in how the show is going to do and its impact on prime-time TV.

I'm the creator of a show on Polyamory called "Polly and Marie" that's being shopped around Hollywood at the moment, so "Swingtown" is of interest to me. You can check out the Polly and Marie trailer by going to tribes.tribe.net/pollyandmarie

Here's the Swingtown official website, and here's a summary and review. Here's our past coverage of Polly & Marie.

Sex Diaries of New Yorkers

New York magazine

For its annual "sex and love issue," flashy, trendy New York magazine recently featured several people's sex diaries. They were so popular that the magazine extended the series online. Whaddya know, the word "polyamory" sprang up in three of them there. Is this a sign of what's supposed to be trendy or merely what's titillating?

Sex Diaries: The Single Girl
Sex Diaries: The Swinger
Sex Diaries: The Bisexual Polyamorist

"Shocking Sex Poll Results"

American Chronicle

The online news magazine American Chronicle ran a column by the sex-and-relationships advisors "Ask Dan and Jennifer" titled, "Shocking Sex Poll Results — The Surprising Verdict on Swinging and Polyamory!" (March 4, 2007). It was a followup to an earlier article they posted, "My Best Friend’s a Swinger — Will She Burn in Hell?", where they invited readers to take a poll: "Would You Consider Swinging or Polyamory?"

The conversation was heated and downright amazing. More than 3000 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you....

51% of the people [responding] were either active in the swinging lifestyle or willing to try it, while only 36% were strongly against it or said that monogamy is the only way to go. The other 13% of our readers said that it's not for them, but they don't have a problem if someone else does it.... It looks like Swinging and Polyamory are in!

Self-selected internet polls are ridiculously unscientific, but they say something about the people who came to a particular site and felt motivated to respond. Read the whole article.

Swing / poly advocates arouse debate in China

Shanghai Daily

China, amid all its other modernizations and upheavals, is having trouble coming to terms with issues of sex — from the real (as opposed to government-issue) facts about AIDS, to suppression of good sex education even where birth control is mandatory, to the newly freewheeling urban dating scene.

"A young policewoman dismissed for allegedly running a swinging, or spouse-swapping network, has fueled the already heated debate in China about whether sex and marriage can be, or should be, separated," writes a columnist for the Shanghai Daily (January 26, 2007). She continues:

China Business View, a leading newspaper in Shaanxi Province, reported on January 16 that the woman, surnamed Su, had not only engaged in sex with several men with her husband's consent, but also run — together with her husband — a swinging Website....

It might not have been so eye-catching and provocative if Dr Li Yinhe, a controversial sociologist, had not openly voiced her support for the ex-policewoman.

In her well-read personal blog at Sina.com, Li says: "Sexual activity between a married person and a person other than his or her spouse — provided that the spouse has been informed and agreed — is not morally wrong. Examples include swinging and polyamory (love of many)."

The columnist then goes into an idealization of One True Way (and only-legal-way) monogamy:

But actually, true love is the very restraint to free sex. And marriage is considered the consecration of true love.... "This is it, this is the one."...

A theory that aims at justifying extramarital sex is worse than immoral. It's unashamed.

(How Chinese.)

...As to the "mutual consent" theory, it is not worth refutation. It is more like mutual conspiracy than mutual consent....

Then what about polyamory — a lifestyle of having more than one love/sex partner? If it is understood as an alternative to monogamous marriage, it is of the same ilk as swinging....

It's not a question of number, but a question of exclusiveness and totality. I love one person, and marry him or her. It means that I attach myself, as a whole person, in a deep, ontological relationship, and therefore ought to be faithful, exclusively to that person. It's an "all or nothing" thing....

Read the whole article (and get a load of the cartoon). Then use the form at the end to inform the author a little better about us. (Excellent talking points.) The newspaper also has an English blog. Please be courteous, and represent America well.

A more refreshing read is this short Asia Week interview a few years back (July 6, 2001) with the sociologist mentioned above, Li Yinhe.

...Different lifestyles will be accepted. The Chinese will have more choice when it comes to sex and their lives: to marry or not marry, to have or not have a child; to be homosexual. All this is good. China just needs to learn to relax.

And here is a longer, deeper, and more recent article about Li Yinhe, from the blog "The Shanghaiist" (August 24, 2006):

"Respected professor upsetting the sexual apple cart"

With a title like that, who could resist? The Shanghai Daily report in question discusses the recent controversy surrounding noted professor Li Yinhe (李银河) of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences (CASS)....

She says that China's problem is that sexual mores are, for the most part, dominated by what she terms a pre-modern sexuality, meaning China's feudal past. What Li advocates is that there be greater sexual diversity in society — meaning that we can choose the ways that we want relate to other human beings, including what kind of sexual relations we want to have with them.

...And is ever going to happen? The Shanghai Daily piece closes with this:

The so-called "sexual pleasure rule" is a physiological terminology, but human sexuality is governed by implied rules of behavior and the status quo — at all times and in all countries — admits of no exception whatsoever.

Without question, the form of marriage and sexual relationships will change with social development.

But one cannot be too careful in dealing with these problems, especially while the entire nation has not reached an advanced level of ideological, ethical, scientific and cultural thinking yet.

There it is, folks — the "our level isn't high enough yet" theory, which explains why China isn't ready for democracy either.

And here is a recent Chinese-language interview with her.

"The 'Lifestyle' — Real-Life Wife Swaps"

ABC News Primetime

The cartoon looks like this: Two people are walking into a house where a crowd under a "Poly Discussion Group" banner is having a knock-down, food-fight brawl. One of the new arrivals is saying to the other, "The topic must be poly versus swinging."

Polyamory is about love, swinging is about recreational sex; that's the stereotype. In reality, there's a lot of crossover and something of a continuous spectrum. Some swinger couples are poly at heart — developing deep, lasting affection for another couple they met at a swing club, with whom they begin to share their lives. Some were looking for polyamory without knowing it and simply encountered the swing world first — because it's better organized, better established, and about one hundred times larger (by my semi-educated guess). On the other side of the coin, some polys really do enjoy having lots of sex.

The biggest differences, in the opinions of some folks I've talked to, are in class, education, and attitude. Polys tend to be highly educated, happily geeky, socially radical, and feel they've discovered something truly big and important they want to share with the world. Religiously they tend to be atheist, pagan, or do-it-yourself spiritual. Swingers, on the other hand, tend to be less educated, more conservative and Christian (yes you heard right), more working-class, and sexist in terms of dress and roles (lesbian sex is hot, gay guys are unwelcome; porny getups are hot on women, men show up in t-shirts and jeans). Swingers stereotypically see themselves as just out to have fun, are glad to stay closeted, are generally coupled up as a matter of principle, and are afraid to use the word "love" outside the couple.

(Runs and ducks as the food fight begins.)

Last night (on Sept. 5, 2006), ABC News Primetime aired a report on swingers. This was a rebroadcast of the show that first aired on ABC 20/20 on March 18, 2005. Here's from the transcript article on the ABC News website:

On the hit ABC show "Desperate Housewives," cheating destroys marriages because spouses lie and get caught.

But we found couples who say they have found a way to enjoy the company of others without the deception. It's called the "lifestyle," or swinging, an arrangement in which couples have sex with other couples, and there is no secrecy.

...It's not like other clubs, because in back there's a locker room where couples can get undressed and, if they want, have sex in different bedrooms with other couples — or watch one another in hot tubs.

..."Tess was the first woman I ever kissed in my whole life. So you always have an innate curiosity about 'How would another woman feel?' I no longer have that curiosity," Bob said.

Swinging was Tess' idea. She heard about it from a girlfriend and was intrigued. She figured their relationship was strong enough to give swinging a try. "You have to be completely open and honest with each other," she said.

Won't they look back at their lives and feel that they ruined the intimacy they had with each other by having sex with all these other people?

"No. It's made us much stronger over the years," said Bob. "Just 'cause we are attracted to other people, doesn't mean that we don't love each other."

...The first time Bob and Tess went to a club, they didn't participate. They just watched. That's common. Often almost half of the people at the clubs are "soft swingers" — they just watch, without having intercourse, according to the club owners and swingers we met.

But watching had an impact on Bob and Tess at home. "We had the greatest sex of our lives that weekend," Bob said.

...Apparently, there are a lot of them. About 4 million people are "swingers," according to estimates by the Kinsey Institute and other researchers.

Swingers have become a multimillion-dollar travel industry, so be careful when you pick a family vacation spot. (Watch out for code words like "clothing optional," "adult fun" and "couples only.") Hundreds of resorts now cater to the lifestyle. There are also swingers' conventions that take over entire resorts. Inside, thousands of couples play out sexual fantasies.

"It's a worldwide phenomenon," according to award-winning journalist Terry Gould.... "Most of them don't drink and most of them don't use drugs. They believe in raising children in clean-cut, stable environments. They match our paradigm of the sunny suburbanite," he said.

In his book "The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers," Gould concluded couples swing in order to not cheat on their partners.

"They see it as consensual, co-marital sex and something that they're doing in order to spice up their own relationships. They are not going to a swing club to have sex with other people. They're going there to get hot for each other," Gould said.

Chris and Lavonne are new to the lifestyle. They've been married five years, and about a year ago decided they wanted to experiment. They checked out Web sites where thousands of people seeking strangers to have sex with can find one another.

Brian and his wife run such a site, and it's very popular. "We have a half million members. We have 70,000 per day that visit," he said.

Liberating for Women?

I would think men might pressure their wives into swapping. But the women say they're the ones who are in charge.

"The women are the ones that make this happen," Tess said.... "It definitely changes women. And it makes women more confident — that they are the ones in charge."

And here you can watch the show itself.