A Navy officer's gravestone with a poly infinity heart. The story behind it.

I wrote up this story for Memorial Day 2020.  It became my fourth most-read post in the year since. So here it is again for this Memorial Day, including a few new comments and updates.

On this Memorial Day weekend you may be visiting a cemetery. And if you happen to be visiting the Historic Congressional Cemetery by the Anacostia River in Washington DC, two spots of color on a certain headstone may catch your poly eye.




The stone is that of US Navy Commander Alyce Grillet. She died in 2019 at age 47 of colon cancer, at her home in Alexandria, Virginia, after a nearly 20-year military career.

There is a story.

 

 
Her obituary noted the basic details of record: Her career included a variety of roles in naval aviation support, including 19 months aboard the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson during the Iraq War. "She was promoted to the rank of Commander in 2016 and reported to the Commander Fleet Readiness Center at Naval Air Station Patuxent River, Maryland, where she served as Personnel Military Director. Her last assignment was as Officer in Charge and Maintenance Officer at the Fleet Readiness Center Mid-Atlantic Detachment Washington at Joint Base Andrews."

And there was some more: "She leaves behind a jaw-dropping collection of personal artwork, focusing in her later years on the medium of permanent marker on canvas. She was a prolific reader of non-fiction, specifically “geeking out” on relationship psychology as game theory, and spiritually identifying as a Chaos-magic Buddhist. She was a community organizer in Memphis and Norfolk and taught classes in Relationship Dynamics and Non-Violent Communication. She helped lead Naval Air Systems Command’s Patuxent River LGBTQIA+ Advisory Team.

"In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to OutServe-SLDN ['advancing fairness and equality for the LGBTQ military and veteran community'] and the Semper Fi Fund ['to assist wounded veterans in all branches of the US Armed Forces'], or to your local LGBTQIA charitable organization."

Her grave is located in the Historic Congressional Cemetery's noted "Gay Corner," at the intersection of its Ingles Street and Henderson Street. According to the cemetery's LGBT walking-tour brochure, the Congressional Cemetery "is believed to be the world’s only cemetery with a Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender section. Although earlier LGBT burials are located in the Cemetery, the 'Gay Corner' began in 1988 with Leonard Matlovich." (Matlovich was the Air Force Technical Sergeant who outed himself in 1975 to challenge the military’s ban on gay service, the first US service member to do so.)

Grillet "was an energizing whirl of charisma, intellect and passion for life," wrote a co-worker at the Patuxent Naval Air Station.

Another naval air colleague wrote, "Please know that your contributions have been significant and will appreciated well into the future by people who will never have had the pleasure of meeting or even knowing about you. You made a difference."

I know about this because, as it happens, my wife Sparkle Moose is old friends with a friend of Grillet's. He writes:

We met at a spiritual gathering, talked for a bit, exchanged email addresses, and hugged twice. That’s it. I left home the next week, on my way to Afghanistan. Corresponding began before I left the country. Images, thoughts, questions and answers — some trite, others touching on what “queer” meant to her. Communication progressed for the next three to four months. Then things changed. She had just started an important transition career course when she got a diagnosis of advanced stage cancer.

I returned on leave from Afghanistan days after she died but in time to attend her memorial service. When her headstone was installed on Memorial Day weekend 2019, I was still in the hospital recovering from a bicycle crash. I finally got in to see it in September, and knew of the words — but the symbols made it all the more powerful.

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The military is now on board with gay rights. But polyamory, no matter how ethically and honorably carried out, is still grounds for court-martial and dismissal from the services, with loss of all benefits including retirement, if a superior finds out and has it in for you.¹

But displaying it on your gravestone? Now, she is finally beyond their reach.

And under the Navy emblem she put, "All should be free to love."

When Brian Crabtree created the first infinity-heart symbol for polyamory back in the 1990s, he could not have imagined all the places where it would someday land.

The Congressional Cemetery in spring

 
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1. Among the grounds for court-martialing someone for being in a group relationship are adultery, even if one's spouse is consenting, willing, and part of the relationship; or the catch-alls of "undermining good order and discipline" or "bringing discredit on the armed forces."

In practice, I'm told, if they want to keep you they'll ignore it unless you're too public about it. But if a superior doesn't like you, or is morally offended by the idea of multiple love, you have no defense and you and your career are toast.

 
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Updates:

–  A reader tells us, "Alyce was the founder of Norfolk Polyamory."

–  From another: "I'm retiring from the Navy after twenty years of service this summer, and I can attest that what you said is true. Poly doctors in the Navy have told me polyamory is more common in the Navy than society as a whole, but it's always kept quiet for fear of having a bible-thumping boss who will kick you out."

Others have commented on Facebook about this kind of fear and vindictiveness in the armed services. 

–  Does anyone know the exact meaning of the emblem on the stone's top left? Update: A friend of Grillet's writes, "The circle is light green, indicating an LGBTQ safe zone. Alyce designed the layout herself after her diagnosis." 

–  Narlexia comments, "I loved her dearly for almost four years.

Not a day goes by without me feeling the absence of her in my life.  :( "

–  Another: "Thank you. She is sorely missed, but having her life inspire others by what she did in her all too short life is wonderful hope."  

–  Writes TG, "She was a dear friend when we were teens, from 1984 to 1993, and I'm pleased that Alyce and I were able to reconnect on Facebook as adults. Always enigmatic, always smarter than me, Alyce also saw Life through the prism of a young girl who lost her mother far too young. I believe it was her mission in life to buoy up the World, infusing it with the same 'old French romantic' sensibilities that held sway in her heart."

–  Gregg Davis writes just the other day (May 2021): "It is odd to reflect how much Alyce Victorine Grillet means to me. I spent almost no time in physical proximity to her, indeed we were only on the same continent for a couple of weeks. We communicated through email about many things. Through my own research, I learned of some her many accomplishments; this, for example: https://www.dcmilitary.com/tester/tenant_profile/lgbtq-employees-share-their-stories-for-national-coming-out-day-event/article_9168854e-531c-5ac8-a77e-812b3cfd4e36.html . After her death, [we] heard from some Navy Chiefs that she was the finest Officer they’d ever worked for and with.

"For my own experience of her as a catalyst (and she was one), she brought me across many boundaries- intellectual, mental, and spiritual."

–  Update October 2021: Scott Glendening writes,

"Thanks for the article. Every year I light a candle on the date of her death. This year will be no different.

"She grew up in New Orleans. I was her first boyfriend. We were both 15 and both our first loves. Her father was French with a European view of sex. I spent the weekends in her room as we, being teenagers, enjoyed being teenagers. Roaming New Orleans and listening to the alternative eighties:" XTC, "English Settlement," is still the band that brings back the memories. "Making plans for Nigel."

"She had many admirers and was poly before the word even existed. She was always beyond her years and I learned so much from her.

"We lost touch over the years as we both married and she moved away for her career, but we were friends on FB. I cannot express my sadness to you knowing that she is no longer with us. That headstone will always be on my mind, and I look forward to seeing it in person."

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–  In August 2021 the Washington Post magazine ran a long feature article about the Congressional Cemetery's Gay Corner, which continues to grow in size and attention: Love and death: The legacy of Congressional Cemetery’s ‘Gay Corner’. No mention of Grillet.

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Liberal churches face up to polyamory... or don't

The national homepage of the United Church of Christ (UCC) two weeks ago presented this article: Focus is on consent, welcome as church studies polyamory (May 7).

The article's lead illustration. OWL, Our Whole Lives, is the sexuality education program run jointly by the Unitarian Universalists and the United Church of Christ.

The article revolves around a webinar led by the UCC’s Minister for Sexuality Education and Justice, Amy Johnson. It was part of series of webinars for facilitators of Our Whole Lives (OWL), the acclaimed set of comprehensive sexuality education programs that the UCC and the Unitarian Universalist churches jointly run for kids at several grade levels, as well as for young adults and older adults.

As seen above, the notice for the event included the logos of both denominations. But only the UCC seemed proud of it. And thereby hangs a tale. 

First, here's the entire text (for historical purposes in case the original ever disappears):

Focus is on consent, welcome as church studies polyamory

By Hans Holznagel

“In the United Church of Christ we say often, ‘No matter who you are or where you are on life’s journey, you’re welcome here,'” said Amy Johnson. “…Do we really mean that?”

She was talking about something not often spoken of in church: committed romantic relationships involving more than one person.

A Canadian study was the focus of this latest episode in a monthly webinar series sponsored by the UCC and Unitarian Universalist Association.

Those relationships — and welcoming the people who are in them — were the topics of a May 5 webinar, “Consensual Non-Monogamy and Faith.” Johnson, the UCC’s minister for sexuality education and justice, was its moderator.

The webinar (1-hour video)

The one-hour discussion focused on a study of polyamory by the Canadian Unitarian Council. The webinar was the latest in a monthly series on sexuality education presented jointly by two U.S. denominations: the UCC and the Unitarian Universalist Association. It can be viewed now on YouTube.

‘Ethical polyamory’

The executive director of the Canadian church, Vyda Ng, said two things prompted the study. “One of our ministers came out as being polyamorous … and that created a little bit of a reaction,” she said. “At the same time, we had been getting questions and requests from our ministers and our lay-trained chaplains about how to handle requests for self-created rites of passage for polyamorous people.”

The result was a two-year task force study. Among other things, its 21-page May 2020 report:

• Defined polyamory as “the philosophy and practice of loving more than one person at a time, romantically and/or sexually, and doing so with honesty and integrity.”

• Called polyamory a “general term” encompassing “many forms of relationships.” “Some people we spoke with consider polyamory to be an identity, like gender and sexual orientation,” the report said. “Others think of it as a lifestyle or behavior choice. There is not a consensus about this within the community.”

• Emphasized that “ethical polyamory” involves consent, covenant and respect among all people involved.

• Recommended that Canadian Unitarian Universalists “not just tolerate but welcome, nurture, and support polyamorous people and their families as integral parts of our spiritual communities.”

• Noted that Canadian law prohibits rites that bless polyamorous relationships.

• Acknowledged that “polyamory remains a difficult concept for some to understand or accept.”

Already present in the church

“Polyam people and their families have always been here,” said Shoshanna Green of the Unitarian Church of Montreal, a task force member who summarized the report during the webinar. “They’ve always been in our culture, they’ve always been in our society, and they’ve always been in our UU congregations, whether or not they were public about it, whether or not anyone outside their families knew.”

The webinar also featured Gabriela de Golia, who is preparing for ministry in the UCC as a member in discernment in the Southern New England Conference. She summarized a paper she wrote on polyamory for a UCC history and polity class at Union Theological Seminary.

She admitted her research was limited, involving just 95 UCC respondents. She nonetheless concluded that consensual non-monogamy “is an existing and significant reality in the UCC.” She also said many of the polyamorous people she spoke to “don’t feel supported enough to admit their relationship status or share their interest in these topics within UCC contexts.”

Therein lies the challenge, said the Rev. Michael Crumpler, a UCC minister who directs LGBTQ and multicultural programs for the UUA. “The main goal of a faith community is integrity and love and openness and acceptance,” he said. Recognizing that consensual non-monogamy exists, he said, “is another opportunity to practice welcome” and “begin to have language to support people, which is the whole point of why we come together in faith communities.”

A justice issue

The Canadian report concluded that “affirming the validity of polyamory and welcoming polyamorous people is both a justice issue and a religious duty.”

“Whatever form it takes, ethical polyamory is fundamentally grounded in covenant and in mutual respect among all partners,” Green said. “Ethical polyamory is not the same thing as cheating, it’s not the same thing as promiscuity, it’s not the same thing as authoritarian, patriarchal polygamy. And, obviously, not every polyam relationship lives up to the ideals of ethical polyamory, any more than every monogamous relationship lives up to the ideals of ethical monogamy.

“But every intimate relationship has the potential to bring joy, spiritual growth, and mutual support in daily living.”

Meanwhile, the head office of the other denomination in this thing, the Unitarian Universalists, has long been skittish about polyamory in their midst — despite the UUs' highly liberal reputation — ever since 2004 when media glommed onto the poly presence at the annual national UU General Assembly. The group UUs for Polyamory Awareness was created way back in 1999 when there was maybe an excuse for the denominational headquarters not knowing what this was about. But that stopped being an excuse long ago. UUism has a reputation among its ranks for feisty local churches and a timid (or perhaps consensus-hobbled) national headquarters: the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA), based in Boston.

For decades the UUA has led boldly on LGBTQI+ rights and inclusion and many other progressive issues. But other sexual and relationship minorities? The UUA has sometimes seemed embarrassed by them, fearful of outside ridicule, and maybe wishes we would just go away. However, poly activists at the 2015 General Assembly did get the UUA to formally add "family structure" to its list of non-discrimination clauses. 

Opinions differ among different congregations. If your triad or quad walk into your local UU church of a nice Sunday morning, you may be warmly welcomed as such, or not so much. To find out, simply ask! Each UU congregation is self-governing (the UUA explicitly exists to serve them, not to govern them), and direct questions are respected and encouraged.

So I wrote to Christopher Walton, editor of the UU World, the UUA's official denominational magazine, pointing out this nice article about a UU endeavor on a different denomination's homepage. I suggested he consider reprinting it on the World's website.

He wrote back with thanks for the idea and says they'll discuss it. I'll update here with any developments. 

Update August 22: No developments. I'm writing him again.

Update September 11: No response yet to my second note.

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The UCC (formerly part of the Congregational Church) and the Unitarian Universalists are perhaps America's two most liberal churches arising from mainline Protestantism.¹ The difference between them is that the UCC is explicitly Christian, while the Unitarians are a "covenantal" rather than a "creedal" church, meaning they leave theological questions open for personal discernment rather than requiring members to pretend they believe things they actually find implausible. Thus the UUs are a healthy mix of Christians, atheists (including me), Jews, Buddhists, neo-pagans and others, all getting along.

But like anywhere else, a lot of people carry past trauma over sexual cheating — whether by partners or by their own divorced parents — and are sometimes triggered by the idea of poly regardless of their other social attitudes. 

P.S.: Mainstream and conservative Christian churches, meanwhile, are having all sorts of internal polyamory ferment of their own — even the doctrinally rigid evangelicals. A boatload of examples from an earlier post. And more, and especially more.

P.S.2: The UUs for Polyamory Awareness collected a self-selected survey of 170 of the people who came by their booth at the 2017 General Assembly. The results. The tl;dr: Most of the people who stopped in at the booth knew and understood the polyamory concept, 14% were polyamorous, 39% gave some form of positive answer to whether they knew of poly people in their congregation, and 64% gave some degree of positive answer to whether they thought their congregation would welcome polys who were openly out. 

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1. The UU and UCC churches are direct lineal descendants of the original New England Puritans, those grim, furious theocrats and witch-hunters. Some of us UUs here in Massachusetts still occupy original Puritan church properties. Say what you will about the Puritans, they did believe in congregational self-governance, both in running their churches' affairs and also in deciding church doctrine. This self-governing habit of mind helped lay the ground for the later American Revolution -- and also for moral re-evaluations that led ever farther away from Puritanism. And here we are today. We modern UUs provided many of the ally boots on the ground for the Civil Rights movement including some of its martyrs, we were marrying gay couples 20 years before Massachusetts first said we could, and you'll find a UU presence in almost every peace and justice thing going today. The Puritan ghosts up there in our churches' dusty attics must be furious indeed... except that most of us no longer believe in ghosts, either human or divine, and in any case neither kind have given us any trouble.

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"The Nonmonoga-Moms Next Door," and other polyamory news

Let's start with the parenting magazine Romper, which has just put up a 4,000-word feature with the arresting title The Nonmonoga-Moms Next Door (May 9). It's full of interesting bits.

Not everyone has their needs met in a single relationship, and the only avenue for satisfying those needs within monogamy is cheating. What if there’s a much better way?

Kid-quad: Adam, Mike, Kelly, and Max are raising two young children.

By Margaret Wheeler Johnson

...This time the comments filled with women, often mothers, often married, admitting — before God, their employers, and brands that pay influencers — that they, too, were nonmonogamous. Some of them had been for years. “My ex and I started exploring poly in the last few years of our marriage. I realized how much I had overlooked my needs and wants to keep things calm. I realized that ‘good enough’ wasn’t good enough,” wrote one woman. [Wrote another,] “The thing is, it's not really my husband that's super non-monogamous — it's me. It always comes from me.”

...Between 4% and 5% practice [consensual non-monogamy], which is way less than you might think if you live in Massachusetts or Northern California, where it can seem as if at least one kid in every class hails from a polycule [I'm in Massachusetts, and yes, that's an exaggeration –Ed.]. ... There is no published data on how many parents are openly nonmonogamous.

...For consenting adults, [CNM] makes a lot of sense. When you have children, some mothers are discovering, it makes even more sense. While the risks are considerable — researchers have found that stigma against nonmonogamy is “robust,” not all forms of nonmonogamy are equally satisfying, and all seem to require NASA-level organization and communication — for the women who have embraced it, the upside is higher. [Many] say it makes them better primary partners and better mothers.

Polyamory (being in more than one committed, romantic relationship simultaneously), in particular, offers a pressure valve for the untenable two-earner family structure that finally broke during the pandemic. According to the women I spoke with, nonmonogamy works — even better than advertised. It works so well, you might find yourself asking: Why don’t more of us try this? Why haven’t we all along?

The story profiles polycules and CNM couples and gives an early report on some upcoming research news:

...In another paper, soon to be published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, [Terri] Conley looks at the ways that different types of ethical nonmonogamy yield different levels of happiness.

Polyamorists, those who are in love with more than one person at a time, have the greatest overall relationship satisfaction. The next happiest are swingers — couples who together seek out sex with others. People in open relationships, who seek outside partners independently with the expectation that these extracurricular liaisons will not interfere with the primary couple, come in last.

The study doesn’t ultimately draw conclusions about this hierarchy of contentment, but Conley has theories. Open relationships ironically involve the least openness, which can turn them into minefields of blurry parameters and perceived betrayals. Also, such relationships often open not out of a desire to expand or enhance an already good thing, but as an attempt to fill a void. "I think sometimes they would actually prefer to be monogamous, but circumstances dictate that they're adopting this approach,” says Conley. “They're in a long-distance relationship, or their partner is in some way physically not able to do the type of sex they want to do.”

Swingers are happier because their extracurricular encounters are not just known to their partners, but they constitute a shared hobby that couples do together. (Golf isn’t for everyone.) Plus, swinging is associated with the highest sexual satisfaction — the entire activity is organized around seeking excellent sex — and couples who find sexual satisfaction together are generally happier. Polyamorists win because the near-constant open communication and honesty that polyamory requires is associated with better relationships of any kind. ...

As for the photo above,

Another of Woolf’s commenters was Kelly Knight, a 39-year-old marketing executive who lives in a house in the Bay Area with her spouse, Mike, a software engineering manager; her other partner, Adam; and Mike’s other partner, Max. Mike and Knight are legal parents to a daughter Knight gave birth to in 2016. In September, Knight had her second child, conceived with Adam, who is on the baby’s birth certificate. All four partners are raising the two kids.

Romper

If this sounds complex, it is. ... Parenting by committee can be especially challenging — all resentments must be talked out at a weekly meeting, "otherwise the passive aggression can kind of get out of control” — but Knight has noticed distinct benefits.

Kelly Knight and her partners.

In her household, not only are responsibilities divided between four trusted adults, but because they are coordinating four work schedules and eight date nights even before factoring in household chores and child care, tasks are allocated only according to who is free. “Nobody can just assume, 'Oh, the moms [Max is non-binary but was assigned female at birth] are doing this or the dads are doing this.’ It has allowed my male partners, who have always been really feminist, to view my work as just as important as theirs and view their involvement in parenting as just as important, too.”

In the pandemic, when many professional women have seen their careers vanish as child care options evaporated, this has been even more valuable to Knight. ...

...Last but definitely not least, Max and Mike (Knight’s partners who aren’t her younger daughter’s biological parents) take the baby for three nights a week, giving Knight uninterrupted sleep those nights. How sexy is that?

Read on.

Margaret Johnson says she was inspired to write this piece by the huge popular response to longtime mom-blogger Rebecca Woolf — who posted on Instagram about how, after her husband died, she embarked on a life of abundant solo non-monogamy (insulated from her kids) and realized that this was the life she was meant for. The mail flooded in. Woolf wrote, "After speaking candidly to many [readers] via DM, I have come to realize how … women are often assumed to desire monogamy in our relationships when that isn’t necessarily the case. At all."

Yesterday Woolf published an article explaining her new life: I Married Young. I Was Widowed Young. I Never Want A Long-Term Partner Again (May 10, at Refinery29).

...We assume that one great love story is more powerful than a dozen shorter ones ... But, forming emotional attachment with short-term partners is actually an incredibly expansive feeling. In fact, I’ve arguably grown more from the relatively short relationships I have been in since my husband died than I did in my 13 years of marriage, because now I can be honest with myself. I can live shamelessly within the boundaries of my own construction while destroying the societal boundaries I have always felt uneasy within. 

● In other recent poly in the news — 1 in 6 Single Americans Report a Desire to Try Polyamory, comments consensual non-monogamy (CNM) researcher Justin Lehmiller on his Sex and Psychology blog (May 5).

He's writing about a new study titled Desire, Familiarity, and Engagement in Polyamory: Results From a National Sample of Single Adults in the United States by Amy C. Moors, Amanda N. Gesselman, and Justin R. Garcia, published in Frontiers in Psychology (online March 23). The study also includes new information on the prevalence of polyamory as loosely defined, and finds the interesting statistic that only 1 in 3 who have tried it wish to do so again. It includes a handy review of previous research on consensual non-monogamy numbers. 

But the study comes with two limitations. It surveyed only single Americans, omitting those partnered or married, because of the availability of a demographically representative data pool of 3,438 single American adults to work from. In this pool, the number with a lifetime history of CNM was only about half that reported elsewhere for Americans generally. That makes sense: After people leave the singles pool to marry or otherwise partner long-term, some will go on to have their first CNM experience as the years pass, adding to the lifetime incidence of CNM overall.

Secondly, the researchers defined "polyamory" in their questionnaire as merely being "in a committed, sexual and romantic relationship with multiple people at the same time," leaving out a crucial part of the standard definition: "with the knowledge and consent of all involved" — even though the authors include that in their definition of polyamory in the paper's introductory parts. Thus, the questionnaire also swept up secret cheaters and informal bigamists: people having two partners with neither aware that the other exists.

That includes quite a bit of what goes on in the world and contaminates the data in the survey about polyamory as commonly defined — even by the authors of the paper. It's surprising to see such seasoned researchers in this field making such a basic mistake, which is bound to result in confusion over the results and popular misreporting.

● Next: A gorgeous polyam wedding, and other poly wedding resources.  Group-marriage ceremonies have no legal standing in the US and you can get in serious trouble if you pretend they do. But that doesn't stop triads, quads and more from holding their own commitment ceremonies with all the trappings but the certificate. Offbeat Bride has published another in its long series of these events, with lots of gushing and lavish photography, just in time for the wedding season: How to have a romantic polyamorous triad wedding (April 30).

Creatrix Photography

David, Jolene, and Stephani had their polyamorous triad wedding in Austin, TX. The three partners have been together for six years, functioning as an open triad. This means they have other partners, and they practice what's known as kitchen table polyamory — the philosophy that all partners communicate openly, and that everyone could sit around a kitchen table and get along.

"We always have our other partners and other metamours together," Stephani explained.

The triad's wedding was a celebration of these ideals, with a very special first look and a carefully designed ceremony…. 

How was it planning a polyamorous triad wedding? Stephani explains:

It was hard. You can't just Google how to plan a polyamorous wedding. [Sure you can! –Ed.] After I got past the 'Oh shit, how do I do it," it got better… I realized I could still plan a 'regular' wedding by just adding a person!

...The triad's photographer, Jenna Avery from Creatrix Photography, explains how she coordinated the first look photos:

In order to capture the magic of each separate relationship, each pairing had their own moments first. Stephanie with David, Stephanie and Jolene, and then Jolene with David. Finally, all three of them came together! The same was done for the “couples” portraits and how they planned the actual ceremony and first dances. As the photographer, I was very careful to honor each dynamic and shoot each pairing as uniquely as possible. As a wedding photographer with a strong polyamorous background, I knew that regardless of their own chosen dynamic, my job was to make sure I treated every relationship as equally as possible. It’s tricky, but it all worked out!!

Stephanie:  "How do you stand with three people and the person who is officiating? How can everyone see all of us while sitting? Where does the wedding party stand? Who walks down first? So many questions."

We decided to have three sections for the guests. My husband walked down first, then me, and finally our wife. We stood in a triangle with the officiate off to the side. The bridal party was mixed up and standing off to the sides. Little details like that stressed me out! Of course, by the end of the day, it didn't matter.

When we asked Stephani if she had any advice to share with other polyamorous folks, here were thoughts on how to have a polyamorous triad wedding:

I would say, be open to all ideas. Focus on what you want and just make it happen. This doesn't happen every day, people won't know the difference. If you want a traditional feel, you can still have that. If you want the full wedding experience, hire the DJ, the photographer, the photo booth, and Bar. Just because it's more than two people doesn't make it less of a wedding.

...We have a deep archive of poly wedding planning posts, but here are a few you might enjoy….

And some more readings from elsewhere:

–  "I went to a polyamorous wedding and it was the weirdest day of my life." (MamaMia, Nov. 3, 2017)

– When Your Partner Is Getting Married to Somebody Who Isn't You, by Andre Shakti. "Helping my boyfriend and his fiancé plan their wedding has been one of the more bizarre aspects of polyamorous living." (Mel, a men's magazine, 2017)  

– Polyamorous Wedding Ceremony: The Ties That Bind, by Page Turner (Poly.Land, Oct. 24, 2016)

– Polyamorous wedding rings, including ads for them. 

– Forty zillion pics.

That's all for this time! Next up: the United Church of Christ opens to polyamory on its national website.

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