More controversy over the poly feet under the white duvet

I've been running this website for 12½ years, you're reading post number 1,427, and of all of them, my post about Carrie Jenkins' takedown of the poly-feet-under-the-white-duvet trope ranks as the 6th most read.¹ Clearly she hit a nerve.

The nerve jerked awake again earlier this month when the BBC and the Open Photo Project, which showcases people in open relationships, stepped on it with this:

Note the first Feet of Color we've ever seen in one of these.

The picture headlined the BBC's slideshow of Open Photo Project photos following the BBC Scotland documentary Love Unlimited: Polyamory in Scotland. Erika Kapin, who runs the Open Photo Project, felt obliged to publish a response:

BBC video feet image & response from the polyamorous community

...There has been some criticism in social media within the polyamorous community about the leading image the BBC selected for this video. ...

As many people who are involved with polyamory know, a photo of multiple pairs of feet under a bedspread is one of the main “go-to” images mainstream media choose as a photo for their articles about polyamory. As far as I have ever seen, the feet featured in these photos are always the feet of people with white skin. A quick google image search on “polyamory” yields thin, white, young people in 98% of the images.

I have been talking with a Chrissy Holman and Kevin Patterson, some leaders of local polyamorous communities, about working with them to create some stock photo options that are more diverse. That way these articles would at least have the option to be more inclusive of people of color and other demographics that are not included in most stock (specifically polyamorous) imagery.

The photo leading the BBC video was taken intentionally as a first step to create a more diverse stock photo option for articles about polyamory. We started with the multiple feet in a bed photo specifically because it is such a cliche photo in stock images relating to non-monogamy. The difference is that we included 3 pairs of feet from black folks and one pair of tattooed feet.

There were critical comments about this photo from several polyamory groups which seem to be for two reasons: The first comes from concern that multiple feet-in-a-bed photo implies group sex and that in this sex-negative culture, that will perpetuate the mainstream stigma that polyamory is all about the sex. The second reason is that people are just tired of seeing that photo because they think it’s been overdone.

To the people who are tired of the seeing the multiple feet shot, I would suggest that you may be missing the point. When you see this as just another feet shot, are you noticing that these are a diverse sets of feet? I realize that variations of this shot have been done and that is kind of the point. ...

To those who are concerned that the feet in the bed photo over-sexualizes polyamory and that is not a narrative you want the media to portray: I get your concerns. ... As a queer polyamorous woman, I understand the sex negativity that exists in our culture. This is a huge part of why I created The Open Photo Project. My goal is to share the beauty, mundanity and complexity of non-monogamous people’s lives. If you look at the images and stories in The Open Photo Project, you will find images of people feeding their kids, going grocery shopping, taking a nap, eating food, doing laundry, playing video games. You will hear their words about metamours, raising children, communicating about jealousy, coming out to parents, living with a physical disability, being a POC in the polyamorous community, raising kids as a single parent, and more. To see that one photo and judge the entire project is perpetuating the oversexualization of non-monogamy is just inaccurate. ...

Her whole statement (Feb. 16, 2018).


● Meanwhile, Kimchi Cuddles illustrates what might have really been going on with three of those stock-agency photos. Click the graphic in the link, then hover and click the right-side arrow to advance.

Here's one of them:

● P.S.: Update on Cosmo UK's "Polyamory Diaries." Remember that trainwreck of a couple who, laden with monocentric baggage, opened their marriage against the husband's wishes and he's chronicling it for Cosmopolitan UK?

The third monthly installment is out and things are looking up for him, after he ditched Tinder for OKCupid and finally landed what turned out to be a one-night stand. Now that he has evened the "score" with his wife he's gone from feeling wretched to bemused, if whiplashed, and he's no longer talking "overdose of prescription sleeping pills." And, he and his wife are a little more interested in each other. "I’ve had sex with someone else and my wife’s delighted" (Feb. 23).

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1. Okay, here are the five most-read posts beating number 6.

Television is clearly powerful. My top two posts are where-are-they-now followups to Showtime's Polyamory: Married and Dating reality series, both published months after the final second season ended in 2013. The series must be having a successful afterlife; the pageviews are still piling up as fast as ever. Number 1, number 2.

Number 5 was also about television: TLC's airing of a one-hour pilot for a poly series that never happened, Brother Husbands. And number 3 is about a celebrity, Amanda Palmer, whose open marriage was exaggerated in the public mind.

A Washington Post story holds the number 4 spot, perhaps because of its evocative headline "To Be Young and Polyamorous in the Age of OkCupid" — and the adorably cuddlesome photo.

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Cosmo: "How My Poly Relationship Helped Me Make a Difficult Medical Decision"

Amid its titillating clickbait ("New App Offers Secondhand Sex Dolls"), Cosmopolitan has put up a thoughtful first-person story that goes way beyond that sort of thing. Sometimes what we do doesn't fit into cheap packaging.

How My Poly Relationship Helped Me Make a Difficult Medical Decision

With monogamy you hear couples say, “It’s us against the world,” but I don’t believe life was made for just two people to take on.

Photo courtesy of the author

By Jordannah Elizabeth

Ever since I was a little girl, I thrived in groups. I grew up in a house with two older brothers and had a wide circle of friends. ... I learned how to share my emotions and express empathy for a number of people. ... I didn’t realize how well this would serve me until I faced a difficult decision as an adult.

I didn’t come out as poly until I was 29 years old. Despite my ability to balance relationships and have honest conversations with my partners, I held on to the idea of staying in traditional monogamous relationships until an ex of mine gave me a book to read and asked me to consider having a polyamorous relationship with him. The relationship didn’t work out, but the seed was planted. ... [What was the book, inquiring minds want to know?]

Eventually I got married to a man who was open to an open relationship too, and I was free to tell certain friends and family. At the moment, I have one partner — besides my husband — who I am very close to. He has a three year old son, who I help take care of. We pretty much behave like a “traditional” relationship, meaning my partner and I have decided not to see others outside of our current arrangement at this time. ... In a poly relationship, it doesn’t always mean having more than two or three partners, it can also involve communication and having a “protocol” set up if you want to go on a date or sleep with someone else. That protocol is honesty and the ability to listen to one another.

Another wonderful thing about being poly is that I have a stronger support system. ...

When I turned 30, my doctor felt a bit of firmness in my lower abdomen. ...

---------------------------------

If I were in a monogamous relationship, I might have felt more trapped in this decision. ...

Read the whole article (Sept. 21, 2017).

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"Dallas Symposium Puts Polyamory On Center Stage"

Dallas Observer

One of the newer poly hotel conferences, PolyDallas Millennium, was held last weekend with the theme “Power, Anarchy, and Equality in Polyamory.” Founder Ruby Johnson writes, "We are not simply an academic symposium. We are sexologists, sex educators, community leaders, and therapists... AASECT CEU providers, and Texas Regulatory providers for LPCs, SWs, LCDCs, LMFTs, and PhDs."

The alternative weekly Dallas Observer sent someone to cover it. The reporter did a shallow job in my opinion, talking more about polyamory than the interesting conference.

Dallas Symposium Puts Polyamory On Center Stage

Marla Stewart speaks to attendees about polyamorous relationships during PolyDallas Millennium. (Paige Skinner photo)

By Paige Skinner

During Marla Stewart’s presentation of “Being Black, Poly and Kinky: Navigating Power, Equity and Anarchy in Alternative Relationship Modalities,” she encouraged members of the audience to think about their polyamorous relationships. The lecture was just one part of the third annual, three-day PolyDallas Millennium this weekend at the Crowne Plaza Hotel off Interstate 35.

...Therapist Ruby Johnson founded the symposium three years ago when she realized there was no training for polyamory in Dallas. “My thoughts were and are ... maybe we can have some de-mythification". ...

Attendance at the conference is growing. The inaugural event hosted about 30 people during one day. The second year, it expanded to a day and a half, and this year, it took place over three days. About 80 to 100 people attended, Johnson says, and she suspects about 10 percent were not in a polyamorous relationship but simply curious about the lifestyle.

...Jessica Hoffman says she enjoys PolyDallas because there is no matchmaking overtone. “A lot of other events where you can get to know each other, it might be a little bit more like get to know each other with the end result of maybe finding someone, but here that’s, like, super back burner,” she says. “It’s more about education, being yourself and personal journey, but also building a community.”

...Muscarella, Hoffman and Muscarella’s boyfriend, Sean Sparks, say coming out as polyamorous in Dallas hasn’t been that difficult, although there are some misconceptions. “I think Dallas has a lot of conservative pockets,” Muscarella says. “If you’re trying to date outside of the poly community, it can turn into this whole thing of, 'You’re just slutty and you don’t want any kind of meaning in your relationship.'”

Johnson says there are many misconceptions about polyamory. One is that it’s “polyfuckery,” in which people just go out and have sex. Instead, she says, it’s about many loves and being open to loving people. Johnson also says it’s not just an excuse to cheat, and it’s not just about couples.

"There's all kinds of structures,” she says. “There’s people who are solo-poly, which is they are by themselves; there's individuals who are in quads, who are in polyamorous families.”

Often people think polyamory is simply an open relationship, but the difference between the two is identity, says Johnson, who identifies as polyamorous. “[Polyamory is] liberating not only in my intimate relationships, but it's liberating in my relationships with friends,” she says. “It's liberating in my relationship with my family. It's liberating in my relationship with my job because I'm not so territorial. I have freed myself.”

The whole article (July 17, 2017).

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Representation, or not, in the New York Times' "Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?"

This morning the Sunday New York Times landed on hundred of thousands of doorsteps, with its Times Magazine cover story "Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?", which I posted about three days ago when it went online. Already it has drawn a lot of attention, including from the right wing ("This Is How the Elite Poisons Our Culture", says the National Review). I'll get to that soon.

But first, some of the people in the story and close to it have important perspectives on its failings, especially its narrowness.

Among the couples who were photographed — mostly made to look all too serious and somber — were black activist Kevin Patterson of Poly Role Models and his wife Antoinette. They've posted a response on Huff Post. Excerpts:

How Representation Works...or Doesn’t

By Kevin Patterson and Antoinette Crumby Patterson

Love in abundance: The couple in a more representative photo. 

In the early afternoon of Thursday May 11th, I got an email from a colleague. ... She congratulated me on my appearance in the New York Times. ... But before I had a chance to even read that email, I received a second one from the same colleague: “Oh my gosh, Kevin! I just read the article. You must be upset. I’m so sorry!” ...It pretty much encapsulated how the whole day went.

...Unfortunately, any perspective I could add [to the article] ... is buried beneath a sad story of floundering marriages. The sad story of floundering marriages [is] both valid and valuable. My work definitely covers that as well. But it covers more than that...and therein lies the problem.

"Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?" is predominantly the story of a married couple, Elizabeth and Daniel, who have grown dissatisfied in their lives together. ... Daniel researched ethical non-monogamy and discussed it with his wife. What followed was not ethical non-monogamy....

Elizabeth shot the idea down. Only to find romance with a new fellow anyway. First, behind her husband’s back, then to his face without his willful participation...despite his pain. The guy Elizabeth took up with? He was also unhappily married and cheating on his spouse. ... Look, I’m not judging. ... Partners that come to ethical non-monogamy by way of infidelity needs to be discussed. These are already being discussed. In fact, the idea that ethical and consensual non-monogamy are just the product of unhappy marriages is already the predominant narrative. We’ve heard these stories before. They get pushed out to mainstream media every few months and frankly it’s gotten boring.

It’s clear that [author] Susan Dominus has a specific story that she is trying to tell. But I question who that really serves. The non-monogamous newcomers who don’t fit this couple-centric view won’t find any love here. ... The stable and happy couples featured [in the photos] are virtually voiceless in this article. What little speech we’re given is limited to seemingly reluctant acceptance of the situation we’ve found ourselves in.

...Why were our names and faces used... only to ignore our observations?

...Now, I’m not flat out saying that my wife and I are only included as token people of color. I am challenging anyone to show me what the difference would be if we were. Our voices are mostly unused, but our faces are pretty prominent in a photo that shocked the people in our lives. One friend said it is the saddest they’ve ever seen either of us look. Another said that, without context, they would’ve believed all of the photos to be from a story about divorce. A visual storyline to match the narrative of non-exclusive but unsatisfying marriages.

...We don’t need to be made into a compelling story. We already are. The story isn’t how we exist, it’s that we exist. All we need to do is open our mouths to speak our own truths. When someone on the outside of us attempts to speak for us, regardless of the platform, they carry in their preconceived notions...and worse they carry their desire to shoehorn us into those notions. While I thank and appreciate the New York Times for trying, what they gave us was not nearly what was promised or expected or needed.

But, hey… I guess it could be worse. At least there weren’t any stock photos of three pairs of white feet sticking out from under a white duvet.

Kevin Patterson may be contacted at polyrolemodels@gmail.com

Go read his whole article (May 13, 2017).


● Their piece was hosted by Ruby Bouie Johnson, organizer of the PolyDallas Millennium conference. She posted her own response to the Times. Excerpts:

What the New York Times Neglected To See

Chase and Ruby Johnson

As a Black American therapist who serves clients that practice polyamory, and as someone who practices polyamory myself, I looked forward to the publication of the NY Times article, “Is an open marriage a happier marriage?” There is a common contrived narrative about consensual nonmonogamy that is pervasive in mass media representations, but I had high hopes that the article would disrupt the trend. I knew several colleagues and friends who do not fit the typical mold were interviewed for it.

...I instead discovered that the author presented a pigeonholed, whitewashed, homogeneous experience as the whole of polyamory. ... Within the professional and personal communities I belong to, there has been much discussion about these simplifications. When I refer to whitewashing, what I mean is that the representation of what is the norm for polyamory is 30-somethings, affluent, white, thin, triad. Most often two women and one guy. ...

White, cisgender, and heterosexual are far from the only demographic that are practicing open relationships. Research into polyamorous relationships and my own experience show a wide variety of diversity within the community. Those who practice polyamory are more likely to be sexually fluid, they often have children and strong co-parenting relationships with multiple people, they have all shapes and sizes of bodies, belong to every race. The media representation of open relationships ... is actually concealing more about the reality than it reveals....

There is a phenomenal depth of experience, an unimaginable range of stories, within polyamorous communities. I know quads that have been together for 40 years. I know people who prefer to live alone and spend time at various lovers’ and partners’ homes when they choose. The article did not offer any language that spoke of this diversity in the structure of relationships, from solo poly, to vees, triads, quads, tribes, families, polycules. All we saw was couples and friends with benefits.

...For African-American communities, the language is different. It’s about the village, it’s about the family. It’s about sexual fluidity that is celebrated and liberated. It is about decolonizing and reclaiming what was historically, traditionally, their culture, before it was stripped from them by the Middle Passage. ...

Go read her whole article (May 12, 2017).

Update May 15: The author of the NYT article, Susan Dominus, has put up a reddit page for questions and feedback about it.

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Black & poly in a mostly white movement: Much is brewing.

Let's start with something cool. The photo above was the front cover of the Seattle Times Sunday magazine, Pacific NW, a few months back. Look at her hand on the right.

The cover story is Black Like Me: It’s time for a deeper conversation about race in America (Jan. 26, 2017). The photo (of burlesque performer Ms. Briq House) indicates two things: that poly for her is right up there with power, independent, feminist and the rest for meaning strength and pride — and also that the Sunday-supplement editors thought everyday readers would get this. Seattle does have a reputation as the poly capital of the world. (Thanks to John Ullman for sending the tip.)

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The modern poly movement has expanded enough that people of color who go to events don't always have to feel conspicuous. The Black & Poly movement has chapters in at least a dozen cities, speaking to the community's particular needs, experiences, and histories regarding non-monogamy.

Black & Poly flag

Crystal Farmer writes us,
"[Black & Poly founder] Ron Young asked me to be the editor for the Black & Poly blog. We're starting from scratch and asking for contributors." See her call for submissions.

One of B&P's activists is Kevin Patterson of Philadelphia (who runs the Poly Role Models website). At last February's Poly Living East convention, he explained to a crowded workshop that although the nonwhite-to-white ratio there is getting more representative, "I still count."

You don't know about counting? Whatever you look like, if your reaction on walking into a room is to look around and count how many people look like you, it's an uncomfortable room. If you're privileged enough not to know about counting, you're privileged by definition.

Kevin told his personal story to Narratively for their "Polyamorous People" monthly series: Polyamorous People #4: "When I Show Up at These All-White Events and I Feel Uncomfortable, I'm Not Quiet" (Feb. 22, 2017):

Who: Kevin Patterson; 38; technical writer; greater Philadelphia

Photo: Daniel Krieger

...Next thing you know, the three of us are rolling around together back at the hotel. The next day, I thought it would be this weird and uncomfortable thing, but it just wasn’t. Instead, my girlfriend and I started having conversations about how important exclusivity was to us. It wasn’t. So we kept our relationship open from that point on.

That was only six months into our relationship. Now we’re married, have been together going on fifteen years, and have two kids age four and six.

At first, it was just going out with whoever would have us, but then we started desiring relationships, not just dates or hookups. We both started getting more serious with the people we were dating and then discovered the term “polyamory.” A few years after that, we discovered a community.

...I do have to always be wary of being tokenized and fetishized. I have to listen for key buzzwords to figure out, are you into me? Or are you into getting a stamp in your ethnicity passport? About four years ago, I started talking in Facebook forums about the lack of people of color in the polyamory community. If you do a Google images search of “polyamory,” you’ll get dozens of images deep before you find a person of color.

...Last year, I started doing workshops about race and polyamory and how they intersect, at sex ed conferences around the country. I’ve become the guy to talk to about this topic. I’m also writing a book about race and polyamory.

Representation has to be the job of all the white folks organizing these groups. They’ve got to make it their concern because if you’re not being actively inclusive, you’re being passively exclusive. It has to be something you make happen and you work to maintain.

...Philadelphia has a high percentage of black people (about 44 percent), and there is a group called Black and Poly Philadelphia. If the mainstream group and Black and Poly merged, those numbers would be reflected. The question is: why do people of color feel unwelcome in the mainstream group? That’s what a lot of my work tackles. I look at all the barriers to entry. It’s a hard conversation to have. When you tackle racism, people get quiet. They don’t want to tell you they’ve dated twenty people over the past few years and none of them have been people of color.

Also, here's Patterson on the Poly in the Cities podcast, Episode 49: The Intersection of Race and Polyamory (Sept. 11, 2016).


● Another B&P activist is Christopher N. Smith. He has posted the powerpoint for his talk "Open to Love: Polyamory and the Black American," and he's building The Black American Polyamorous Anthology Project "for self-identifying polyamorous Blacks/ African Americans/ Black Americans to express; through any form written, audio or video; their experiences."

● Ruby Bouie Johnson runs the PolyDallas Millennium conference, coming up July 14–16. Here's the partial program (including Christopher Smith.) This will be the conference's third year. Cunning Minx interviewed Johnson last month on her Polyamory Weekly podcast, Episode 508:

The theme this year [of PolyDallas Millennium] year is "power, anarchy and equality." It will be attended by many health and mental-health professionals, including therapists, coaches and chiropractors.

But the best part is hearing about Ruby’s amazing life story of recovery, discovering kink and poly and coming out professionally on the Poly Role Models blog. She shares what changes she has seen in the poly community over the last seven years, how to cross lines and bring communities together, what she foresees for the next 10 years of polyamory and how to address race in the poly community.

● I already posted about the black-and-poly webseries Compersion, by Jackie Stone and her Enchant TV. Now there's another: 195 Lewis, which made its debut last December:

195 LEWIS is a dramedy series about a group of women navigating the realities of being Black, queer, and poly in New York City.

Based in Brooklyn, the series follows Yuri and Camille as they test the boundaries of their open relationship. Yuri’s growing infatuation with a new lover leaves Camille distressed, which is only amplified by the unexpected arrival of Yuri’s old college friend Kris, who shows up with nowhere else to stay.

    – An article about it on KitschMix: Watch ‘195 Lewis’, A Queer Polyamorous Web Series: "Love triangles are easy. Try a love octagon."

    – And on OkayAfrica.com: ‘195 Lewis’ is a New Series About Being Black, Queer and Polyamorous in Brooklyn (Dec. 14, 2016).

    – And at Bella Books, A queer couple navigates love and polyamory in “195 Lewis” (Dec. 26, 2016).

    – Update: At Wear Your Voice ("intersectional feminist media"), 195 Lewis Is Black Lesbian Perfection (Nov. 14, 2017).


● If you imagine that race ought to be invisible, start here: Diary of a Polyamorous Black Girl, by Alicia Bunyan-Sampson (Oct. 7, 2016):

...You can’t imagine my joy when I found out about polyamory. ... When I found out there was an entire polyamorous community I was so happy that I was wrong in thinking nobody saw love and relationships as I did.... I began to search the internet looking for my community....

I eagerly made my profile, posted my picture and filled my about me section with large paragraphs describing my history of being polyamorous without knowing what polyamory was. I was so happy.

Then I got my first message.

It was from a white couple. I read the subject line before I opened the message and it read “Seeking Ebony”. The language made me incredibly uncomfortable, but I decided to read it anyway. The couple described in detail how impressed they were with my profile and my apparent intellectual prowess. Translation? “You speak so well”. ...

I immediately deleted the message and sat quietly for a while. I was probably about 19 at this time, and though my parents had provided me with literature and political discussions at the dinner table on the subject of race, I was certainly not the person I am today, so I had quite a difficult time processing the message. I knew I didn’t like what I read but I wasn’t sure if I should be angry about it. ... Was this my community or wasn’t it?

...When I logged back on I had over 200 messages in my inbox. They were all from white couples or single white men and all the messages resembled the first one I received. Remarks on my intellect, my skin colour, my hair....

I reluctantly entered into a series of monogamous relationships. Within those relationships, I made attempts to create spaces where polyamory, or at least some kind of openness, would be possible but it always ended horribly. The men I dated were completely interested in sleeping with other women and carrying on relationships with other women, but I was not allowed to do the same with other men. It was frustrating.

...I also certain that I couldn’t be the only black polyamorous person on the planet. I had to find black polyamorous people.

...A classmate of mine had shared with me that she knew of a few polyamorous people that frequented a local adult play lounge. She suggested I check it out – and I did.

What I found was more disappointment. My first few nights at the lounge, I saw not one single black person and was subjected to the same racist sexual gaze I experienced on the dating site, only, this time, it was in real life so it was that much more painful and dangerous to navigate through. I saw some black guys a few nights, but they were not at all interested in me, nor were they polyamorous, they were only interested in “sexually free” white women who would participate in group sex.

...I’ve learned that in a lot of ways, polyamory is a privilege. A privilege that most black people are not able to explore. ... Surviving in a white supremacist society is difficult enough, and there is not enough knowledge or support of polyamory in the lives of black people to even make it seem like a viable relationship option. Additionally, there is a huge socioeconomic element involved in the most basic exploration of polyamory, as the community does exist in the shadows to some degree, and one must be able to meet the financial demands to enter into those shadows (similarly to the kink community). Ultimately, though, black people like to know that other black people exist in the spaces that they are entering. I know the first thing I do when I walk into a room is look for another black person. I feel safe as soon as I see them. Currently, white is the face of polyamory and has been for quite some time. It more than likely will remain that way. The face of the world is white — why wouldn’t the poly community be the same?

I still have hope that I will find black polyamorous people somewhere and that I will have the romantic relationships I have always wanted.

One day. 🙂

Both Alicia Bunyan-Sampson and Kevin Patterson have books coming out in spring 2018 from the alt-relationship book publisher Thorntree Press, according to its managing editor Eve Rickert.


● Newly up in South Africa, by Indo-Afrikan Queen: Love and Whiteness, Part II. Its message to South African white liberals also speaks to American situations. (Thanks to Green Fizzpops, who largely runs South African Polyamory, for posting the link.)

So the last time I wrote a post on this subject it was more directly lamenting the difficulties of loving a white person and the ways in which they fail to see you on a one-on-one level.

But as we get deeper into our relationship big things keep coming up. ... Put simply, loving a white partner is not simply about the one-on-one relationship the two of you have. ... See, there are the interpersonal dynamics between the two of you, then there are the larger societal power dynamics.

...Deciding to build something with a white person is complex, because the advantages they have of being in the world slowly crowd out the little space you have.

...A woman slowly is expected to conform to the culture of her partner, and her partner's family. That is, assimilation. But this is compounded because of the settler-colonist culture in South Africa; whiteness is seen as the highest bar of existence for all, and so with whiteness comes a sense of supremacy and entitlement, and if you don't fit the bar, you guessed it, you are less than worthy of being a part of the family.

There are a number of challenges that come up when I think about the costs that being in a relationship with a white cis-het male have had on my psyche. And to speak frankly I am tired. In fact all the women in me are tired. But because it is a release, and because it may help someone else out there I am going to dish them up right now. So sit back, and enjoy (if possible).

1 - Privilege and the associated lack of lived experience. This is perhaps the biggest stumbling block in our relationship. ... Sooner or later, one day you wake up and have the earth-shattering realisation that:

"There is no way in which my cis-het, upper class, able-bodied, christian, male partner, has ever been systemically discriminated against in his entire life."

And this shakes you up because all you've ever known was struggle....

...Obviously different people are woke to different levels, but white partners in particular tend to suffer from the white liberal affliction. They think that because [they] agree on the basis of morality and ethics there is no need to do extra work to be a good ally. In fact they may not even know what allyship means. And the burden of educating them is then defaulted onto YOU, the partner.

Because they are an entitled white male, they get offended when you say that it is not your duty to educate them. They don't understand that you don't owe it to them. ...

2 - Compounded with class and privilege comes family. In the case of my partner, he is half foreign, and half South African. And I always find that the half foreign aspect is what has saved him. Of the micro-aggressions that I experience at the hands of his family, those from his dad -- a white South African apartheid-era male -- are the worst. To him I am not an individual, I am other. Whenever he talks about black people or Indians, or black colleagues, he makes eye contact with me. Needless to say he thinks I am the fucking spokesperson for every Indian person in South Africa. ...

So yeah, white families. And guess what, you tell your partner about it and they accuse you of hating their family? ...

3 - Friends. I'll keep it short. The microaggressions are terrible. One of the friends also did the thing all white people do by referring to me as curry! Racist pig. There was no backlash from my partner, who then went on the defensive and like a week later forgot it happened. Well, I didn't forget....

4 - Society. ... It is worse because white liberals who live here [Capetown] go to church and think they are doing their duty unto society. ... They don't make eye contact with you if you are not white, and do not acknowledge your humanity. When they do it is in a patronising way....

5 - The lack of a reprieve. So, I go to work. It is extremely white, I go to therapy, she is white, I go home my partner is white. My family is scattered. I am alone in this city. ...

I love my partner. I really do. When it is just the two of us hanging, I see his soul and I truly feel that he sees mine, and I don't wanna end what we've been building. I dig it. I dig him. I dig our life. ... But the bottom line is this guy is going to have to put in some serious work.

I guess if I could speak frankly to him I would say....

Read on (April 3, 2017).


● Elisabeth Sheff-Stefanik is also in a racially mixed marriage, on the white side. Here's her Five Things White People Can Do to Make Their Poly Communities More Welcoming for People of Color (Sept. 12, 2016).

Set your defensiveness aside — Discussion of race and white privilege do not have to be about white people and our egos....

Listen — This means more than just keeping your mouth shut. This means really listening to and thinking about what the other person is saying, rather than formulating your rebuttal....

Educate Yourself — Do not expect people of color to educate you about racism — that is exhausting for them and inappropriate for you....

Acknowledge White Privilege — Out loud, every time you can, with your family, friends, grocers, neighbors, and strangers on the street....

Lean to Tolerate Racial Discomfort — Race is uncomfortable in the U.S., and white people have been able to shift that discomfort on to people of color for far too long. It is going to be profoundly uncomfortable for white people to talk about race — and that is OK....

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"Compersion" webseries fundraises for a second season

Jackie Stone

If you haven't seen the webseries Compersion, produced by director Jackie Stone and her outfit Enchant TV, you've been missing something. It's a family drama about a couple exploring polyamory. Season 1 has finished successfully, with 13 episodes of about 10 minutes each, and they're fundraising for a Season 2.

Longtime California polyactivist Pepper Mint posts this on the Polyamory Leadership Network:

Compersion is a black-and-poly webseries that recently finished up its first season. You can watch it here.

It's actually my favorite poly web series so far. There are certainly painful moments in it, but they are painful to me specifically because they so accurately reflect the transition into polyamory. And the acting is great, and the cinematography is good. It's a winner and great exposure for us.

I'm writing because they're holding a fundraiser for the second season, and it's a real one. No funds means no second season.

We've seen a number of web series go down due to lack of funding: Family and The Ethical Slut come to mind. I'd prefer not to have that happen again.

While this series hasn't seen a lot of exposure in the mainstream poly community, it's all over the black-and-poly communities. I'm in contact with the producer, Jackie Stone, and she also has a close relationship with Ron Young, as you can see in the videos. She's getting input from poly folks and looking to do a really positive piece for the community.

I've just contributed. If y'all can either give money or spread this around, you're helping with a poly media win, and really helping out black and poly people. Please and thank you.

Pepper's endorsement works for me. I've chipped in.

Episode 1 of Season 1: Just watch it.




● ShadowandAct.com interviewed Stone: A Provocative New Digital Series About Polyamory from Enchant TV (Oct. 26, 2016).

...Realistic in its depictions of an adult relationship at a crossroads, “Compersion” is a compelling, deliberately-paced psychodrama – moody, but certainly not without wit. It’s a satisfying achievement for the filmmaker, made for an audience that appreciates, is challenged by, or is curious about its provocative, if bold subject matter, which is emblematic of the kind of storytelling that Stone plans to bring to Enchant TV.

Stone, whose past scripts have garnered attention and awards, including Jerome Foundation and IFP Project Involve Fellow honors, says her vision for Enchant TV is to make it a home for dynamic and creative programming that highlights the complexities, as well as the rich and diverse stories of people of color, particularly women.

“As an artist, one of my objectives in television and film is to develop spaces and an aesthetic that will serve as ‘homeplace’ for women of the African Diaspora,” Stone says....

● Stone is a guest on the podcast Directing Magic (Sept. 18, 2016).

● And on the Polychat podcast (Episode 35, Nov. 22, 2016).


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Update: And another black poly webseries, 195 Lewis, will make its debut on December 14th:

195 LEWIS is a dramedy series about a group of women navigating the realities of being Black, queer, and poly in New York City.

Based in Brooklyn, the series follows Yuri and Camille as they test the boundaries of their open relationship. Yuri’s growing infatuation with a new lover leaves Camille distressed, which is only amplified by the unexpected arrival of Yuri’s old college friend Kris, who shows up with nowhere else to stay.

● An article about it on KitschMix: Watch ‘195 Lewis’, A Queer Polyamorous Web Series: "Love triangles are easy. Try a love octagon."

● And on OkayAfrica.com: ‘195 Lewis’ is a New Series About Being Black, Queer and Polyamorous in Brooklyn (Dec. 14, 2016).

● And at Bella Books, A queer couple navigates love and polyamory in “195 Lewis” (Dec. 26, 2016).

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"Five Things White People Can Do to Make Their Poly Communities More Welcoming for People of Color"

The crowds you see at poly-community gatherings are not altogether as white as they used to be, but they're still a lot more so than the general population.

Kevin Patterson.
Interview on Talk Like a Man Project.

This is true even though a recent study of consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), which drew on a massive database of Americans, found remarkably similar rates of CNM relationship agreements at some time in people's lives across age, education level, income, religion, region, political affiliation, and race.

So the poly movement is racially isolated, to the movement's detriment. Theories abound.

Kevin Patterson is a Philadelphia Black & Poly activist who founded and runs the Poly Role Models project and frequently presents at poly cons. He recently discussed the topic in depth on the Poly in the Cities podcast, Episode 49: The Intersection of Race and Polyamory with Kevin Patterson. Listen from that page.

From an interview elsewhere:

From the inside, I’m often required to shrink because I know how threatening the world can be when you look how I look. I’ve got to tone down my natural strength and avoid attention because… from the outside, that strength is often perceived as dangerous, emotional, and unstable. There are studies that say white people subconsciously believe black men to feel less pain....

At the same time, as a person who engages with a lot of romantic and sexual partners, I have to be equally wary. I occasionally encounter non-black women who are less interested in me and more attracted to the collection of stereotypes they believe me to represent. Part of that package includes the concept of black men being hypermasculine and hypersexual. Staying vigilant against being placed in that box is exhausting.

Sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, who has studied the poly movement for years, posted a writeup prompted by the podcast. She's in an interracial marriage herself, and she tells us that it "has encouraged me to think more deeply about white privilege and recognize it on a much more immediate, less theoretical level."

Five Things White People Can Do to Make Their Poly Communities More Welcoming for People of Color


By Elisabeth Sheff

...Turns out white folks in the poly community routinely try to tell Kevin Patterson about his experience as a Black person: When Kevin names race in conversations with some poly folks and event or group organizers, it all too often turns into an adversarial interaction instead of a collaborative discussion.

...When the liberal white people are too afraid to talk about race, the only white people who will speak of it out loud are the white supremacists, which makes racism seem all the more fringe. In truth, racism is everywhere, deeply embedded in the social structures and institutions of the US.

How can you avoid being one of those white people who argue as if they know POC’s experience better than the POC do? How can you be an ally instead of part of the problem? Try these five not so simple steps, and keep practicing because it can be challenging....

Set your defensiveness aside — Discussion of race and white privilege do not have to be about white people and our egos. Evidence that you are becoming defensive includes a desire to rebut your conversation partner so strong that it distracts you from hearing what they are saying. If you are searching for flaws in your opponent’s argument, it means you are not truly open to what they are saying because you are not listening. You can be an ally even if you have been an “inactive beneficiary”* of the white privilege surrounding you, as long as you can set aside your need to “win the conversation.”*

Listen — This means more than just keeping your own mouth shut. This means really listening to and thinking about what the other person is saying, rather than formulating your rebuttal. If you are not sure what to say or how to say it, listen for a while and clarify your thoughts. If you are tempted to interrupt... take a deep breath and keep your mouth closed. This can be difficult for white folks who have always been very verbal and used to people listening to them.

Educate Yourself — Do not expect people of color to educate you about racism — that is exhausting for them and inappropriate for you. There are books, websites, podcasts, and You Tube presentations on white privilege.... Take some self-responsibility for your education and start expanding your envelope. Tim Wise is a great place to start. If you are in Atlanta, come to the Sex Down South Conference and see my presentation on Thursday October 13....

Acknowledge White Privilege — Out loud, every time you can, with your family, friends, grocers, neighbors, and strangers on the street. To successfully acknowledge the (very blatant, once you start looking for it) evidence of white privilege in your social environment, you have to recognize it yourself.

[And my favorite,] Learn to Tolerate Racial Discomfort — Race is uncomfortable in the US, and white people have been able to shift that discomfort on to people of color for far too long. It is going to be profoundly uncomfortable for white people to talk about race — and that is OK, we should still do it with open hearts and open minds. People of color have been beyond uncomfortable with the effects of racism, and is past time for white people to share that load of social discomfort and change. Take a deep breath and use your relationship skills to work on your relationship with race.

Her whole post (September 12, 2016).

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New York Times: "The Secrets to an Open Marriage According to Mo’Nique"

At Loving More's Poly Living convention in Philadelphia last month, longtime activist Jim Fleckenstein held a session to discuss strategies for building poly awareness and acceptance. He's had years of professional experience helping nonprofits in other areas advance their goals. (Loving More is a nonprofit.)

One strategy that came up was getting celebrities to publicly stand with you. Celebrities put a public face on an abstract idea. Think of how effective this was for gay acceptance.

People suggested several celebrities who are out about doing ethical non-monogamy in some form. Margaret Cho? Amanda Palmer? The actress Mo'Nique? Jim asked, "Why aren't we in contact with these people?"

Turns out the New York Times was in contact with Mo'Nique right around then. Today they published a story online that will appear in this Sunday's printed edition, in the Weddings section:

The Secrets to an Open Marriage According to Mo’Nique

Tom Bloom       

By Tammy La Gorce

...It has been a decade since Mo’Nique revealed in an Essence magazine article that she and [Sidney] Hicks, an actor and producer, were in an open marriage.

Now they have begun a podcast that plays on their unusual partnership. In “Mo’Nique and Sidney’s Open Relationship,” which is on Play.It, the CBS podcast network, the couple explains how the so-called polyamorous lifestyle works for them.

Sidney and Mo'Nique. (Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)

...Mo’Nique and Mr. Hicks bumped into a learning curve right away when establishing rules for their open marriage.

“Sidney had this one thing he had to teach me, and that was reciprocity,” she said. “He said, ‘If you can have that, it’s only fair that I can have that, too.’” The arrangement, which they agreed to before their twin sons were born (they are now 10), was her idea.

“I wanted to continue to see the gentlemen that I was seeing, and I felt comfortable telling my best friend,” she said, meaning Mr. Hicks. “I’m grateful he taught me I had to play fair.”

[Said Hicks,] “We got into this knowing that we both wanted to be with someone who’s going to allow you to be who you are,” he said. “I think one of the most romantic things you can do as a couple is be honest with each other. And we are.”

Other Hollywood couples have been in open marriages, though few have been as open — or successful — as Mo’Nique and her husband have been. The comedian and actress Margaret Cho, for example, spoke about her open marriage in 2013, but she filed for separation last year, after 11 years of marriage. (Through her publicist, Ms. Cho declined to comment for this article.)

Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development, a Washington-based organization that focuses on the changing forms of relationships, said that from a psychological perspective, people shouldn’t assume that openness in a sexual relationship is bad.

“What’s at the core of it is a desire to form a healthy relationship,” he said....

In marriage, the motto of the future may be “live and let live,” he said.

“I see a much more tolerant, nonjudgmental openness emerging,” Dr. LaBier said. “Everyone is different. You figure out what works for you, and if it’s not imposing something on someone else or hurting someone else, it’s acceptable.”...

Read on (online March 10, 2016; in print March 13).

The article goes on to interview anthropologist and love researcher Helen Fisher, who says flatly, yet again, that these things "never end up working long-term." Can somebody clue her in that counterexamples are all over the place and just make her look stupid?

Dan Savage tweets, "Helen Fisher is full of shit."

-------------------------

Followup: On March 15th the Times posted some reactions to the story: 'Until I Turned 90, I Always Had More Than One Partner': Readers Discuss Open Marriage.

-------------------------

● While we're at it, here's a recent open-marriage story in PopSugar: How Sleeping With Other People Makes Me Love Being Married (Feb. 3).

...Our framework is seemingly ever changing. We have learned not to take our first reactions too seriously. One week after exclaiming that he could never in a million years invite his girlfriend over to sleep in my bed (the very idea!), I realised with great surprise that I didn't care. It felt like a collision of the instinct to protect my territory and the growing feeling that the idea of ownership — the insistence that what is mine cannot be hers — is arbitrary and somewhat useless....

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"Harmful Myths the Ethically Non-Monogamous Community Needs to Address," and more

Earlier this month, in a roundup of mostly super-sweet stories extolling the poly movement, I promised another side of the picture.

First, here's a bread-and-butter account of standard problems you're likely to face in the best of circumstances: Polyamory is Hard (Aug. 16, 2014), by Russell of Polytripod.

I was talking to my therapist the other day.

Actually, it was couples therapy.

And, actually, I brought this up twice because, in all honesty, I have two sets of therapists: one I see with my partner/girlfriend and the other I see with my wife.

Polyamory is hard. Which, I think, should be pretty obvious in that I'm seeing two therapists but that's not the point.

...There's the routine stuff:

– Constant (endless) communication
– Questioning assumptions that you have about love and relationships
– Calendaring and scheduling
– Expectations management
– Emotional processing — sex, love, jealousy, guilt, regret, etc.

Then there's the long-term, extended stuff:

The legal differentiation between partners (example: a "wife" affords a legal distinction over a "partner"), leading to a whole rat's nest of issues concerning wills/probate, medical care, rights over your assets, etc.

Re-thinking the roles of "husband, wife, partner" — and the promises those titles imply....

Breakups and ending/transitioning relationships that've lasted for years.

Challenges surrounding space, distance, travel, and cohabitation. Not everyone wants to live together; not everyone likes the same kinds of personal space. Those are some tough compromises.

Embracing inequity. Poly's inherently unfair. My wife has made sacrifices that enable me to spend time, energy, and resources on my partner, which often excludes her. Meanwhile, my partner isn't around me as often as my wife, and, doesn't attend family travel, and I'm not always around, which excludes her, creating her own set of sacrifices. Resolving those inequities is a full-time preoccupation.

Retirement and security....

Combining or separating the finances of multiple people, how to communicate and work with cash flow shortages, new financial expectations, etc.

Realizing that you can't ever make everyone happy. Instead, poly is a lifestyle of compromises where everyone doesn't get exactly what they want: there's only so much time, so much space, and so much of you to go around.

...It hurts that I can't give everything to both of my partners and make both of them 100 percent happy at the same time. It's a constant process of compromise, learning, re-tooling my skillets, and managing expectations.

And I think anyone just getting into polyamory should know that it's hard. In fact, just last week, I was at a bar on Mississippi Avenue with a bunch of enthusiastic poly-newcomers. I was kind of a Debbie-downer in that crowd, but I think it's real. Poly looks pretty good on paper, especially if perceived in the context of short-run, but everyone should be prepared for the long-game, and what that means in their lives.

----------------------------

However, I was thinking more of this grimmer piece by Michón Neal on harshness that polys with minority identities face: 5 Harmful Myths the Ethically Non-Monogamous Community Needs to Address. It appeared at Everyday Feminism last November 11th.

iStock

...But there’s also a bit of a problem. In my experiences with the polyamorous community, I have encountered very little that strikes me as ethical.

And I’m not alone in this.

I’ve known people and seen articles about people who are so fed up with the lack of ethics in non-monogamy that they no longer identify with it — and I’m tempted to be one of them.

For a community that prides itself on offering healthier solutions regardless of relationship orientation, the practice of it seems to be more of a burden than a blessing when it comes to certain marginalized people, as pointed out by the article linked above.

There are some deeply ingrained myths about non-monogamy that actually exclude many people with varied experiences — especially those of us who have intersecting marginalized identities (minorities of minorities, as I like to call myself).

I am a genderqueer black person who practices relationship anarchy. I have been non-monogamous all my life, even before I knew the terms for it. I am aromantic, pansexual, left-handed, synesthetic, kinky, atheist, and sapiosexual. I have invisible mental and physical illnesses, am neurodiverse, a survivor, poor, and a parent.

...So when I critique make these criticism of the lack of ethics in ethical non-monogamy, I am coming from 27 years of personal experience, education, and intersection.

Having been at the center of assumptions... I’d like to help unpack those that make the non-monogamous community a rather unethical place to be.

1. Not Everyone Transitions into Non-Monogamy

I very strongly believe polyamory is inherent to my nature.... Yet, to this day, pretty much all of the community’s stories focus on romantic, white, cis people who’ve transitioned into non-monogamy.

Instead of feeling like I’m part of the community, I ended up feeling more alien than ever.

...When I recently stated that, due to several men in the poly community explicitly ignoring my gender, sexual preferences, and desire for friendship by immediately asking for sex or to explore their fetish with me (and in one case actually being raped by one of these men — who then claimed it couldn’t be rape since I was poly), I would pretty much avoid cis and straight men, I was told that my experiences were too political to be shared in that group.

It exploded as others who’d been fetishized empathized and the rest simply wanted to return to talking about how awesome it was to feel compersion for the first time....

2. Disastrous First Relationships Are Considered Normal, But Aren’t

...Many popular poly stories and guides, like More Than Two, The Game Changer, The Husband Swap — reference at least one non-monogamous experience that either ended in disaster or was extremely unhealthy. This is usually regarded as a problem arising from non-monogamy rather than the influence of monogamous and romantic culture on our practices, as well as arising from the transition.

Even Franklin [Veaux], who has always been non-monogamous, felt so guilty about his needs and desires that he allowed many of his relationships to end prematurely due to insecurities, veto power, and couple privilege. He remained with his wife far too long in an attempt to cater to her desires and it wasn’t until decades later that his relationships were able to be built on a healthier foundation.

Actual ethics starts at the root and that is where we should begin. These problems need to be addressed before deciding to be non-monogamous instead of afterwards....

3. The Reality Behind the Statistic

Most people in the polyamorous community may only be familiar with other minorities via statistics rather than actually listening to us.

People like me seem to only exist as shadows or impossibilities in the community. The thought leaders like Franklin Veaux, Aggie Sez, and Elizabeth Sheff can really only give information based on broad generalizations....

...The books in The Cuil Effect Project, my writings on Postmodern Woman, the site Queer Black Voices, and the site Polyamory on Purpose are good places to start if you want to get a feel for the actual experiences of intersectional marginalized identities, emotional intelligence, and healthy relationships versus toxic ones....

4. ‘Drama-Free’ Polyamory Excludes Me

And speaking of health and options: I’d be considered one of those “drama-filled” people polyamorous folks try to avoid, not because I cause drama, but because I encounter so much trouble by nature of my marginalized identities. Being with me requires one to deal with heavy issues every single day.

I’m not the fun type of polyamorous and so am usually avoided.

In practice, “drama free” polyamory ends up meaning that the new person doesn’t come between the established couple, it means they don’t rock the boat, and it usually means parents, differently-abled, and other races are off limits....

5. There’s Community Support Unless You’re Invisible

Those I’ve talked to who feel that they were born polyamorous or who are in minority categories often feel they have nowhere to turn to for advice or information on their experiences....

...And if our partners are abusive, it’s much harder to leave because we have fewer resources.

...Polyamorous people say it’s not about the sex and that polyamorous people don’t face discrimination, but that’s just not true if you’re not white and straight. Those of us most likely to face legal or dire situations are also those least likely to receive help.

6. Abuse Isn’t a Personal Problem — It’s an Epidemic....

Go read the whole article (November 11, 2015). She has a Patreon campaign to support her queer and poly fiction writing.

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From a different place, counselor and popular YouTube advice-giver JP Sears delivers a warning about the potential of an open relationship to wreck a couple (16:05). I have obvious answers to some of his assumptions, but he's often on target, and he's representative of much opinion that's out there. Short version: "You have to be a master at your first relationship"; it needs be rock solid before opening it, and he's never seen one that is.

Here he falls into into the dumb therapist's mistake — therapists who were gazing out the window during the class about sample bias — by assuming his clients represent everybody. In reality, all of his clients showed up because they had a problem serious enough for them to seek paid help.



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No, Mo'Nique objects, her open marriage is not "a pass to cheat."

Remember Mo'Nique? The Oscar-winning actress and comedian has enthused about her happy open marriage to Sidney Hicks for at least eight years, most recently in the last couple weeks.

It started with an interview at TrueExclusives.com November 17 that had a catchy subject line. From the transcript:

...On the secret to having a long-lasting marriage:

“Honesty. That’s it. When I hear men say ‘I don’t tell my wife everything, you crazy?’ and I hear women say ‘I ain’t telling my husband that, you crazy?’ So you mean you trust somebody else other than the person you lay with every night, you slept with, you cried with, you make love to. So I think those long lasting things is simply honesty and communication. It’s gotta be your best friend.”

On having a “free pass to cheat” in a relationship:

“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer,’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them. And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’… see when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually and I wanna share it with you’.. when you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations.

Often times people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.

See how she knocks down that "cheat" language?

Husband and wife. (HelloBeautiful / Rodrogo Vaz / Getty)

Nevertheless, when TheGrio.com picked up the story the next day, it titled its piece Mo’Nique defends giving husband ‘free passes’ to cheat.

That same day the New York Daily News headlined an article Mo'Nique doesn't mind giving her husband 'a pass to cheat', which again makes it look like her quote.

She did a followup interview with Periscope to clarify. As presented in Us magazine:

Mo’Nique Clarifies Open Marriage to Sidney Hicks: “It Was My Idea”

The Oscar-winning actress, 47, said her words about her nine-year marriage to husband Sidney Hicks had been misconstrued, and gave fans her side of the story.

...“Originally it was my idea because at the time when Sid and I got together 10 years ago — now keep in mind this was my best friend since I was 14 — but when we first got together I was still stuck in being famous and a celebrity and being a star, and I felt like I could have whatever I want. So I was still in an insecure place of, ‘I can have that, I can have that, I can have that.’ And because I was dealing with my best friend, my best friend said, ‘If that’s what you think you need, as your best friend, I don’t want to stand in the way of it.’”

Mo’Nique took offense to critics claiming her husband was forcing her to make these rules so he could cheat.

“It makes me laugh when people put it all off on my husband as if it was something he was doing,” she said.

...She went on to further clarify her comments about a “pass” to cheat, saying, “We don’t give each other passes to cheat, because when you cheat, you lie, when you lie, you steal.”

The stand-up comic also revealed that she and her husband have a radio show called Mo’Nique and Sidney’s Open Relationship premiering on New Year’s Day, where they can talk about the secrets to the success of their marriage. [Update: It's actually a podcast scheduled to start January 11th.]

“Open means we’re open-minded to the world,” she clarified. “That’s what we’re open to. We are open to being honest to each other all the way through.”

The whole article (Nov. 20).

Lots more recent coverage in the entertainment press.

The entertainment world's fixation on cheating prompted polyactivist and alt-relationship therapist Jay Blevins to dissect this misuse of language with an article at The Good Men Project:

Men, Mo’Nique and Polyamory vs. Cheating: The Times They are a Changin’

When Mo’Nique discussed the need communicate openly with her husband, her words were publicly twisted. Consent, compassion and communication are traits the media are unable to grasp.

Jay Blevins

...What she actually talked about was the importance of being able to have the trust and connection to be completely honest with your partner. To be able to admit when you have an attraction for another person.

She not only talked about being able to acknowledge those feelings, but also, as the person hearing them, being compassionate enough to treat them gently and to learn from them.

She not only talked about being able to acknowledge those feelings, but also, as the person hearing them, being compassionate enough to treat them gently and to learn from them. To find out what it is that makes your partner attracted to someone else. Is there something they aren’t getting out of your relationship that is important to them?

Instead of being about fear, anxiety and insecurity she describes a relationship that is based in love, trust, commitment, honesty, compassion and consent. As part of that she acknowledges that if she loves her partner and there is something important to her partner that they aren’t getting from her, then she wouldn’t want to deny her partner.

That was in response to the interviewer’s use of the term “free pass to cheat.”... Because frankly, she isn’t talking about cheating. Cheating is about breaking rules, breaking vows, breaking trust.... Apparently The Grio isn’t paying much attention to the world around them. Because more and more people are exploring and embracing the concept of ethical non-monogamy....

Blevins goes on to expound the precepts of ethical non-monogamy and lists misconceptions about it. Read his whole article (Nov. 23). For the record, he objected to the stock patriarchal polygamy illustration that The Good Men Project stuck on top.

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Update, Jan. 18, 2016: Their new podcast, Mo'Nique & Sidney's Open Relationship, has gone live. Essence magazine tells about its first episode: Mo’Nique Sets The Record Straight On Her Open Marriage In New Podcast: ‘It Was My Idea’ (Jan. 16, 2016).

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