Polyamory in the News all over. And upcoming events.
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First: Here are the regional
poly community events
coming up in the next four months (that I know about). Conferences, campouts, retreats.
August 13 – 17, Breckenridge, CO
August 13 – 17, Breckenridge, CO
August 14 – 16, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
August 17 – 23, central New Hampshire
August 21 – 23, Denver, CO
August 30 – September 7, Nevada desert
September 5 – 7, Ávila, Spain
September 19 – 20, Portland, OR
October 4 – 8, Breckenridge, CO
October 4 – 8, Breckenridge, CO
November 6 – 8, Indianapolis, IN
More about these events — and others for the next 12 months — is always available at Alan's List of Polyamory Events.
Any missing? Write me at alan7388 (at) gmail.com
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Meanwhile, the public's (over?)fascination with polyamory and ENM is not
slowing down yet.
● "The Invite" has turned into a box-office hit for an indie movie, whatever you think of its swing-ish
presentation of ENM (see
previous post).
Olivia Wilde’s ‘The Invite’ Nears $40 Million Globally, Becoming a
Rare Hit Summer Comedy (Variety, July 31)
[Even] sandwiched between big-budget blockbusters like “The Odyssey” and “Spider-Man: Brand New Day,” “The Invite” has climbed to $20 million in North America and $15.7 million internationally... after three weekends in wide release. Thanks to stellar reviews and even better word-of-mouth, ticket sales are about to surpass $40 million worldwide....
● A Newsweek editor
thinks the movie marks a cultural turning point: Olivia Wilde’s ‘The Invite’ Explores the New Rules of Modern Marriage
(July 15). An overstatement?
By H. Alan ScottEvery so often a film comes along that gives the culture permission to talk about something in a new way. The Graduate did it for the disillusionment lurking under postwar prosperity. Kramer vs. Kramer did it for divorce.... And now The Invite, Olivia Wilde's new comedy about swinging San Francisco couples over the course of one epic dinner party, is poised to do it for a subject that's seemingly talked about everywhere in real life and almost nowhere on screen: open marriage. ...
● Also getting wide media attention: Is Polyamory Right for You? Elisabeth Sheff spent 30 years studying
polyamory. Here’s what she learned. The New York Times's "Modern Love" columnist Anna Martin
interviewed Sheff, the world's leading sociology researcher on the
realities of long-term polyfamilies.
Sheff herself is mono. She begins with her own discovery of the movement 30 years ago: at a library talk by Ryam Nearing, co-founder of
Loving More the print magazine. Loving More and its starry-eyed conferences were the central nexus of the poly world in its pre-internet infancy. Although Sheff did not want a poly setup for herself, the movement fascinated her: "These people were delightful."
The podcast (49 minutes) with transcript/article (July 29). Excerpts:
Martin: As a single woman in my early 30s, living in Brooklyn, going on lots of dates, I hear the word “polyamory” a lot. It seems as if everyone is interested in being poly, or had a poly phase in college, or is dating someone who’s poly, or had to stop dating someone because that person is poly. At least in my specific corner of the world, it feels as if we’ve reached peak poly saturation.But when Elisabeth Sheff, a researcher and sociologist who goes by Eli, first heard about polyamory in the early 1990s, hardly anyone used that word. ...
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Eli Sheff (Jordan Gale / NYT)
...In our conversation, Dr. Eli tells me what she’s learned from talking to the kids who grew up with polyamorous parents, kids who are now old enough to make their own relationship choices. Plus, she has advice for people trying to figure out if poly is right for them.-----------------Martin: ...When do you remember hearing the word “polyamory” for the first time?Sheff: So I was driving home from grad school in the snow... listening to National Public Radio. And the host was interviewing this person, Ryam Nearing. And they were talking to her about her organization and how it was having an open house, a meeting in a public room in the library that anyone who wanted information could come to. And I was just like, oh, my god, that’s it. That’s the thing [her then-boyfriend] has been talking about. ...And I want to find out from people, how do they do this? How do they manage this in their lives without just feeling awful all the time? Because it really was — I was feeling just awful about it —...It’s this big room in a library stuffed with people, like standing room only. And there’s people talking about having been in relationships for 20 and 30 years, very happy relationships together.Martin:With multiple partners?Sheff:Yes, and I’m like, how does that not just kill your heart? So they’re like, it’s the opposite. Their heart opens and blooms with all of these additional people. They really do experience it as more love....And then after the meeting, I went up to a person who later participated in my study, and I was just like, you say that you’re so happy with this. And when I think about this, it just feels terrible to me. How do you manage that? And of course, her answer was long and complicated and hard to put into a nugget. But basically, she was like, I get a lot out of it. Sure, it comes with some costs, but she said it benefits her far more than the costs associated with it....Interestingly enough, I guess, the polyamorous people in general, they’re very used to talking about their feelings. They’re used to having challenging conversations. They’re used to looking inside and seeing what part of this is insecurity on my part. They’re introspective folks, so it wasn’t unusual for them to have this conversation. It certainly felt exposing to me, but I was fine with it....So for about three years, I was a civilian, more approaching it as, how does this impact my own life? But by then I was in graduate school, and I was learning all of these research methods. And one of the research methods classes I had said do an interview with someone, practice interviewing skills. So I interviewed a polyamorous person, and the class was like, "oh, my god, this is amazing. This is your dissertation right here." And I was like, really?...Nobody [had] done research on it yet, you know? And at the time, I wasn’t aware there were two other researchers looking into this, and that was it worldwide. And none of us knew about each other at first. We all thought we were the only person doing this. I mean, the community had been around, but [in 1996] the word hadn’t been around for as long. ...
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She goes on to tell about what became her specialty: the children of
poly people and how they've turned out over the decades. And then,
Martin: If you were to say one thing to people that they should know before trying polyamory, the thing in all caps, what would it be?Sheff:I would say, it’s no more evolved than monogamy. And there’s a lot of polyamorous propaganda about polyamorous relationships being more mature and more evolved and superior to monogamy. And I would say, maybe some of them are. But some of them are a hot mess and certainly not superior to anything.There are monogamous people who are quite insightful and evolved, having very mature relationships, and there are polyamorous people having very mature relationships. There are monogamous people who are small and grasping and jealous, and there are polyamorous people who are small and grasping, and their jealousy may express in a different way. ......Dr. Sheff is currently gathering data about different relationship styles at The Bonding Project.
● Speaking of kids, Daughter Of Polyamorous Parents Reveals 30 Truths About Her
Unique Upbringing
(Bored Panda, Jan. 20).
This is drawn from a very long Reddit Ask Me Anything. It includes
excerpts from research papers and from Sheff's 2024
Psychology Today post, Adult Children of Polyamorous Parents: Three primary reactions from adult children of polyamorous parents
who come out.
The daughter doing the AMA is 20 and her brother is 17. The tl;dr:
Their childhood and upbring were mostly great. One questioner asked her to
list the
and cons of triad parents. Her reply:
Pros:• There's more parents to be there for you and to defend you• It's very unlikely all three will be working at the same time so there's always someone to go to• Some people think it's super cool (actually how I made one of my friends)• If you think a punishment was too harsh, there's two more parents that can reason with your other parent• It's more love to go around• As they all have careers it's extra income which means we can have more fun holidays• Polyamorous parents are much more likely to accept situations beyond the societal norm. When my brother came out as gay they didn't care.Cons:• Not having a relationship with grandparents because they don't accept it• It can be hell remembering which parent had a certain story / liked a certain thing• I regularly mix up names when talking to Mom or Mama and call them by the others name• Bullying• If two broke up but both still want to stay with the other person, it could be an awkward situation for everyone involved, including the kidsI'm sure there's more for both pros and cons but that's all I can think of right now.
● On NPR, Why explorations of nonmonogamy dominate 'Sex Diaries'
columnist's new book ("All Things Considered," July 14, audio only.) Alyssa Shelasky does the weekly "Sex Diaries" column in
New York magazine.
An anthology of 20 columns is just out. All are about non-monogamy
and polyamory — because, Shelasky says, her own experience of it "was the
healthiest relationship of my life": a revelatory bloom of easy, secure
compersion. (PSA: Don't count on this yourself.)
Toward the end of the interview:
Summers: ...You've also talked about how doing this work has given you hope. Can you talk about what it is that makes you so hopeful after collecting so many of these peoples' stories?
Shelasky: I think we're moving in a very positive direction, in terms of our romantic relationships. I think that with the language that's out there — with the discourse that's out there — we are really moving toward a place where — women in paticular — feel empowered to say, "This is what I'm looking for./ This is not for me." [Finding] where do you fit in there.
What gives me hope is that I'm seeing it more and more in my diaries. I'm seeing people who are truly empowered, and who strive to be an individual within a couple. That's a really important piece of a healthy relationship. You have to know who you are, what you want, and not be afraid to say it out loud.
● More people over 50 are exploring open relationships — and
frankly, the reasons why make plenty of sense (Yahoo Canada, July 13.) It draws a lot from Kathy Labriola and
her 2022 book
Polyamorous Elders.
● It's not just the
Western world. Mass media in India have been running with the poly/ENM trend for
several years, and not just liberal publications. A recent example: Why Is Everyone Suddenly Practising Ethical Non-Monogamy? in TimesNow, a BJP-oriented outlet with editions in
many local languages (Aug. 6). The article is accurate and positive. The
header:
Ethical non-monogamy is everywhere, but why are more people embracing it now than ever? From modern dating culture to changing ideas of commitment, here's what is driving the rise of ENM today.
● Update on the "This Is Poly" reality show (spoilers). I
harshed this show in my last post. Season 1 has now ended with the star
throuple breaking up. As they should have.
You may remember husband and wife Kami and Trent and their unicorn Nita, she of the DUI arrests. They present an essential lesson for viewers: the need to communicate
constantly and fearlessly from the start -- especially to spotlight and
discuss elephants in the room: the underlying statuses, finances, unspoken rank/power, and other realities of each of the three and of the whole dynamic. Right from the start.
Showbiz Cheat Sheet interviewed each of the three.
After Dramatic Finale, Nita, Trent, and Kami Reveal Whether They’d
Return for Season 2
(July 17)
In the season finale of We TV’s This Is Poly, the show’s “Power Throuple” are preparing to publicly declare their love for each other. But unresolved tensions, particularly Nita’s concerns about her financial security, end up derailing the ceremony entirely.“I know that we’re probably still not on the same page,” Kami confesses in an interview segment ahead of the ceremony. “There’s so many things that [Nita] has that she feels like she needs and wants. And oftentimes, there’s expectations that I don’t even know about.”
Nita, Trent, Kami: Not happening
Ultimately, after tense, closed-door conversation, the trio decide not to go through with the ceremony. Instead, they welcome their guests at their riverside event location and explain their choice not to go through their their vows.For Nita, who was dreaming of happily ever after, the decision is particularly painful. But she’s come to realize that Kami and Trent might not be able or willing to provide what she needs from their polyamorous relationship. In previous conversations, she requested assurances she’d be taken care of in the future. But Kami and Trent, who are married and have adult children, won’t promise they will do that.“All of my views on the forever are all very traditional,” Nita tearfully tells a producer. “As far as the obligations … there is a significant age difference between us. Hypothetically, they die before me. Then what do I do? Go back to work at 60? And that’s the insult that I felt. How could you ask for such a thing and not have a safety net beneath it?”...“This is just me becoming part of something that already exists,” Nita tells her former partners. “Not making a new thing. Everything you said was a f*cking lie.”------------------Given the difficult end of the throuple’s three-year relationship, does anyone from the trio regret going on the show? And would they be open to filming a second season if "This Is Poly" returns to TV?“I think we absolutely would be interested in doing another season,” Kami told Showbiz Cheat Sheet, speaking for herself and Trent. “Definitely. I mean, it was fun. It was hard, but it was fun and we’re very pleased with the outcome. They did a great job. We got to share ourselves and we got to share what we believe – that love is expansive, love is growing. We wanted people to see that this is an option.”“Being authentic is so important to us,” Trent chimed in. “So even though we go through some very challenging things and it’s out in front of everybody, just anything that we could do to help people in their own journeys and that type of thing is very valuable to us. So we would definitely be interested in season 2.”
Nita was less enthusiastic about the idea of returning to reality
TV.
“They’d have to pay me a lot more,” she said [referring to We TV]. “I’ve been paid better, I’ll say that. I’ve been paid better to do less.”
Whatever the future holds for This Is Poly, Kami and Trent say they
are committed to polyamory.
“This is maybe hard for people to hear, but once you do open your
marriage or whatever else, it’s really hard to go back. Really
hard,” Kami said.
“It is the most challenging [thing], but it’s also, as I mentioned,
the most rewarding thing, so I wouldn’t change it,” Trent
agreed.
Nita has a different take on polyamory, as it’s a lifestyle she only
started to explore once she met Kami and Trent.
“I was never a polyamorous to begin with,” she reveals. “I’m just a narcissistic b*tch that wants her way all the time and thinks that she can have everything.”
She lays out her advice:
“Definitely have those hard conversations fast,” she said. “Just as fast as you’re willing to do everything else, that’s as fast as you need to be willing to have those hard-topic conversations.”
So maybe Nita wins the show's ending. Even if she began the whole
thing lying-by-omission to her two partners.
● Continuing this topic: Good data beats everything, and never mind the oversimplified headline: The One Thing That Can Ruin Open Relationships Has Nothing to Do With Sex (Vice, Aug. 3)
By Askley FikeOpen relationships get written off as either a utopian escape from jealousy or a fast track to emotional disaster. The reality, as with most things involving humans and their feelings, sits somewhere much less dramatic and way more complicated. The problems that ruin them aren’t unique to non-monogamy—and the things that actually help aren’t either.A new study published in Evolution and Human Behavior surveyed 512 people across 62 countries, split between those in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous arrangements. The focus was a concept psychologists call "mate value discrepancy"—how attractive, successful, or desirable someone feels relative to their partner. In monogamous couples, feeling like the less impressive half reliably produces insecurity, conflict, and controlling behavior.The study wanted to know whether the same applied when the relationship structure was deliberately open.People in non-monogamous relationships did report less jealousy on the whole—something researchers have observed before, with polyamorous individuals generally showing higher trust and lower jealousy than monogamous counterparts. What the study also found, though, is that feeling less "desirable" than a primary partner produced the same conflict and insecurity it produces anywhere else. Consensual non-monogamy changes a lot of things. That particular dynamic isn’t one of them.What Actually Makes Open Relationships Work, According to ExpertsWhere it gets truly interesting is what the study found about hierarchy. Ranking partners—assigning primary and secondary status, treating one relationship as more legitimate than another—predicted more jealousy, more resentment, and more conflict across the board. The structure people assume provides clarity produced the opposite. Dr. Francesca Miccoli, who completed her doctorate on the legal recognition of polyamorous families, has noted that stability in non-monogamous relationships comes from honesty and clearly communicated boundaries—not from rank.The single biggest factor associated with fewer problems in both groups was communication—talking openly about attraction and jealousy rather than secretly managing it alone. In non-monogamous relationships, something called compersion also played a significant role. ...Neither side of the open relationship debate comes out of this looking great. The assumption that non-monogamy breeds chaos and the assumption that it dissolves jealousy are both wrong, and the study makes that pretty clear. What actually determines whether these relationships work has nothing to do with the agreement itself — it comes down to whether people are willing to have uncomfortable conversations, resist the urge to rank their partners, and stop treating a relationship structure like a substitute for honesty.
The study itself:
Swanson, F. L., et al. (2026). "How perceived mate value discrepancies are related to jealousy, mate guarding, intrasexual competition, and partner conflict in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships." Evolution and Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2026.106936
Newsweek also reported on the study: Scientists Found What Goes Wrong in Open Relationships—and What Helps (July 30).
● Lastly, hold onto this important mainstream-media piece by two up-and-coming activists
in our movement: The unfair double standard polyamorous relationships face (Los Angeles Times, July 21).
By Christina Fialho and Megan BurkeWe’ve watched it happen more times than we can count. A polyamorous relationship — one of ours or someone else’s — hits a rough patch or ends, and suddenly the people who once seemed so open-minded have a lot to say.People are quick to dissect the arrangement itself. Of course there was jealousy. Of course there was drama — what did you expect? Or so the assumptions go. The breakup is treated not as a relationship between imperfect humans that ran its course, but as a verdict on polyamory itself.It’s time to admit that polyamory’s biggest obstacle has never been jealousy, logistics or commitment, as popular culture might have one believe. It’s instead the societal presumption that nonmonogamy is inherently suspect.We call this “the poly presumption”: the belief that the nonmonogamous structure is to blame in any breakup or conflict and the burden is on the people in the relationships to prove otherwise. As queer polyamorous people, we’ve spent years tracing the roots of this presumption, and what we’ve discovered is that it operates at a systems level....This double standard exists because Western society has created, enforced and normalized monogamy as the only acceptable relationship structure. ... When something is as deeply ingrained in society as monogamy, the failures that people experience when attempting it are interpreted as individual failures, not structural ones. Polyamory, and nonmonogamy more broadly, does not receive that grace. When a polyamorous dynamic experiences conflict, the burden is always on the polyamorous people to prove that the entire nonmonogamous structure isn’t to blame.Take jealousy. In monogamy, it’s treated as a normal human emotion. But in polyamorous relationships, jealousy is immediately read as proof that nonmonogamy isn’t viable. The same logic applies to the perception that polyamorous relationships are inherently unstable.Pop culture often portrays polyamory as chaotic, messy and too emotionally demanding to last. The 2025 film “Splitsville,” for example, treats instability as nonmonogamy’s natural state. ...The irony is seen in how often research cuts against the poly presumption. A 2025 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Sex Research, the largest assessment of its kind, considered data from 35 studies that included nearly 25,000 people and found no significant differences in relationship satisfaction or sexual satisfaction between purportedly monogamous people and those who consider themselves nonmonogamous. Additionally, a 2024 scoping review published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review found that people in polyamorous relationships report less jealousy than those in monogamous couplings. ...Research also suggests that infidelity affects one in four married couples in the United States. So, the assumption that monogamy is simply the more stable, more fulfilling way to pursue intimate relationships turns out to be a myth.This myth forms the narrative foundation of modern legislation and continues to guide polyphobic and homophobic legislative decisions.... It also fuels inequities, with people in polyamorous relationships more likely than those in monogamous ones to earn under $40,000 a year.None of this suggests that polyamory is beyond criticism. Like monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be unhealthy, manipulative and even emotionally destructive. The goal is to ensure that people are not judged, marginalized or denied their rights simply because they choose a different path....Until we challenge the poly presumption, the cultural jury will continue to mistake difference for dysfunction — and return a guilty verdict before anything goes wrong.Christina Fialho is an attorney and the founder/president of Rewrite the BiLine. Megan Burke is a philosopher and the author of three books, including “Becoming a Woman: Simone de Beauvoir and the Politics of Trans Existence.”
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Elsewhere in the world...
The changing tides of the Ukraine war show how, when a free
people don't give up, fortune may swing their way. Don't you give up either.
If you still don't get what this war means to our own
future as free cultural weirdos — not to mention to the whole
rest of the world — you need the
long view.
...while in Russia, speaking out for "nontraditional sexual
relations" is a crime punishable by up to 12 years in a Russian prison under the "anti-extremism" laws.
"Extremism" meaning whatever the emperor dislikes.
And BTW, The Invite's first international release
was in Ukraine.
Labels: "#PolyamoryNews, #ChildrenOfPolyamory, #ENMevents, #polyactivism, #Polyamory, #PolyamoryEvents, #PolyintheMedia, #TheInvite, activism, books, children, kids, TV
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