Portland TV

KPTV - FOX 12 Oregon

It's hard to believe viewers didn't already know this, but "It's a lifestyle that's growing in popularity all around Portland." The triad who became the lead picture of that Guardian story last July, Polyamorous in Portland: the city making open relationships easy, just appeared on a local TV news show. Here you go (2:46):

Update: The video has expired, but here's a still:

From accompanying story on the segment's website:

According to three Portlanders, monogamy is not the only way one can be happy.

Jeffry Lords and his two counterparts, Tamela and Gaile, said loving more than one person is actually a "thing." It's called polyamory.

"I had one of my friends contact me and she was like 'are you a sister wife?' and I'm like is that some sort of polygamy thing?" Gaile said.

Polyamory is defined as the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners.

They said this is very different from polygamy.

"I'm able to talk to other people, date other people, have sex with other people, kind of just of whatever I want to do," Gaile said.

The three head the group Portland State Polyamory Alliance. The group hosts focus groups for people in similar relationships.

"We talk to them and hear them out in a private setting," Lords said. "Sometimes they just want to have a normal conversation without being judged."

According to Lords, many shy away from the outside world because they fear losing their jobs and being mocked.

"I've had all types of people contact Tamela and I in private basically saying they just want someone to talk to or meet," said Gaile.

They said no matter who they are dating or what things are like behind closed doors, they are always there for each other when it matters the most.

"We always use this sort of like metaphor that we're ships and we can sail away but the relationship is like a lighthouse that you can always come back to."

The group hosts a number of restaurant meetups, book club meetings and movie nights for people just like them.

The whole story (September 28, 2016). Among other things, I hope this inspires people to know they can represent proudly without a Donald-Trump-approved body. Go for it!

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"Polyamorous in Portland: the city making open relationships easy"

I've been away at New Culture Summer Camp East in the woods of West Virginia, blessed and bedazzled by beloved community yet again, which is why I haven't put anything up here in the last two weeks. Heaps of material have piled up! Let's start with this.

The Guardian, one of the world's great progressive newspapers — based in the UK but pushing aggressively into the US — clearly has its eye on polyamory as An Important Development. It has reported on poly repeatedly and sympathetically over the years. Yesterday (July 19, 2016) it published this:

Polyamorous in Portland: the city making open relationships easy

In Portland, Oregon – one of America’s most sexually tolerant cities – it seems you can’t throw a stone without finding a consensual non-monogamous relationship

Tamela Clover, Jeff Lords and Gaile Parker are a polyamorous threesome living in Portland. They are in a ‘V’ dynamic, with Jeffry as the pivot person. Photo: Natalie Behring for the Guardian.

By Melanie Sevcenko

When Franklin Veaux was 10 years old, his elementary school English teacher read his class a story about a princess being wooed by two princes. “I thought, princesses live in castles, and castles are big enough for all three of them, so why does she have to choose one?” he said.

Throughout his life, Franklin – now 50 and living in Portland, Oregon – has never chosen one. In fact, he’s never had a monogamous relationship in his life, even while he was married for 18 years. “Monogamy has never connected with me, it’s never made sense to me,” said Franklin, who took two dates to his high school prom and lost his virginity in a threesome.

...Polyamory is the practice of intimate relationships involving more than two people with the consent of everyone involved. In recent years, polyamory is working its way to becoming a household term. Researchers have estimated that 4 to 5% of Americans practice some form of consensual non-monogamy....

And in Portland – home to swingers’ clubs, the most strip bars per capita, and annual porn festivals – it seems you can’t throw a stone without finding a poly relationship. Although there’s no official data supporting an exact number, various Meetup groups boast a few thousand members each, while other Facebook groups have hundreds.

“Portland is an amazing place if you’re poly, oh my god,” laughed Franklin....

Polyamory in the public eye

...This spring another show, hailed as television’s first polyromantic comedy, also launched. You Me Her follows married couple Jack and Emma – attractive, suburban and professional – as they enter into a polyamorous relationship with grad student Izzy. Unsurprisingly, the show is set in Portland.

...Since airing You Me Her, [its writer-creator John Scott] Shepherd has been contacted by a number of members of the poly community. “They appreciated the creative decision to go with so-called ‘normal’ people who never thought they’d do something like this,” said Shepherd, whose show has been renewed for a second and third season. “That creative conceit seemed to reflect their experience: they don’t see themselves as ‘sex people’.”

Julie Jeske is a Portland-based counselor who works with couples identifying as poly. “Because Portland is more progressive in general, it may be easier for someone who is exploring what others may consider an alternative lifestyle,” she said. “There is more information and more support, less stigma.”

Making it work

Portland is home to numerous groups, classes, meet-ups and mailing lists dedicated to polyamory or non-monogamy, including Franklin’s Portland Polyamory Outreach Group and a student group founded by Tamela Clover, 30, a psychology and mathematics major.

“I realized pretty early on that I wanted freedom and I also wanted to be an ethical person, so I didn’t want to make commitments that I couldn’t keep … But I didn’t have a word for what I wanted,” said Tamela, who lives with her partner of seven years, Jeffry Lords, 39.

Jeffry has another partner – Gaile Parker, 31, also a psychology major – who he met on OkCupid 14 months ago. All three are in a “V” dynamic, with Jeffry as the pivot person. Gaile and Tamela are not romantically or sexually involved; they refer to each other as a metamour – the partner of one’s partner – which is similar to a family bond.

...“If you want someone to be an equal partner, I at least want them to be compatible with what I consider to be my tribe,” said Tamela. “I don’t want someone who’s going to cause a lot of discord in my other relationships.”

And then there’s the issue of jealousy....

Read on. The story is getting a lot of attention on Portland-area sites and blogs. It's also going around the religious right, as another sign that the whole world is going to hell (as it always is).


● Also recently appearing on the Guardian's website, in its "A Letter To" section ("the letter you always wanted to write"): A letter to my family – I wish I could tell you I’m in a ménage à trois (July 9).

...So we set out on a “sparkle sustaining” exploration.

...Emma and I spend time together as a couple; Emma and my husband spend time together as friends; and we all hang out as a family with our son and dogs. And yes, Emma and I have sex. My husband often joins us. My husband and I have the best sex we’ve ever had. The sparkle has turned into a raging fire.

I feel surrounded and blessed by love – not only do I bask in my husband’s but in Emma’s too. Our baby son and dog also adore her.

The sad fact is, however, that I feel I can never tell you – my family and friends – about her. About how happy she makes me and the rest of my family, how she’s strengthened the bond between my husband and me and given me a new zest for life and love.

...Would there be fewer affairs, divorce and broken families if it were deemed acceptable to live in happy tribes of multiple partners?...

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WaPo: "Monogamy was failing me. Was polyamory the answer?"

The Washington Post steps back into poly discussions with a story (on its website) by a gal who cheated and was cheated on, agreed to open relationships she did not want, then discovered the poly community in Portland, Oregon. In the end she chose monogamy for good, but was impressed by the community and thankful that it taught her about honesty, choices, and boundaries.

Monogamy was failing me. Was polyamory the answer?

iStockphoto illustration

By Britany Robinson

...I’d never heard the term “polyamory” when my high school boyfriend suggested we stay together but also sleep with other people. After cheating on me just weeks after we’d lost our virginity to each other, he apologized with tears and gifts and proclamations of true love. Soon after, he suggested that he continue to sleep with other people — and that I do the same....

We went back and forth between cheating and allowing each other to stray, but it never hurt any less. I’d shrug to my friends. “It’s cool,” I’d say. But it wasn’t.

Later in life, there were other men who cheated. There were also men who cheated on their girlfriends with me. And there were committed boyfriends from whom I strayed. I learned how to let things slide... but continued to be disappointed. Monogamy was failing me — again and again. So I decided to try something new.

Polyamory is the practice of having “many loves.”... Honest, ethical — these things sounded good. They emphasized respect for yourself and for others and acknowledging each person’s needs. After neglecting my own for so long, I desperately wanted someone — or multiple someones — to care.

---------------------

...I’d recently moved to [Portland], and through browsing dating apps, I discovered a surprising prevalence of polyamory. So I decided to learn more.

In a room full of pillows and erotic paintings, I found myself in the middle of a refreshingly honest conversation. “I don’t want to muscle through commitment,” one woman said as her partner rubbed her shoulder. “I want to wake up each day and decide for myself: Do I still want to be with this person? And know that he’s deciding for himself, too.”

The man rubbing her shoulder had other girlfriends. But here, his attention was laser-focused on her. He watched her with adoration, and I found myself feeling envious of that emotional attachment.

About 15 people sat in our circle — some came alone, others with partners. There was a transgender woman in a long black dress and dark makeup; a middle-aged couple in business attire, their legs crossed conservatively. There was a woman in her early 20s and some couples in their 60s. But each person in this wide spectrum listened and discussed their polyamorous lifestyle in similar terms....

We addressed the importance of knowing what we’re comfortable with, and communicating our wants, needs and desires with our partners. It was our responsibility to take care of ourselves first.

“If it’s not a ‘Hell yes’, it’s a NO.” This mantra was repeated again and again.

How often had I gone along with relationships and sex without a “hell yes”? I realized the abundance of unsure and uncomfortable answers I’d given men, just to avoid conflict or hurt feelings.

Sure, I’d told more than one ex-boyfriend. You can sleep with other people. I guess.

I wasn’t sure if I could ever be a “Hell yes” to the idea of having multiple relationships in my life. But the openness of the community gave me comfort. People shared so much of themselves and expected honesty from me, too. They wanted to know why I was there. What did I want from a relationship? What was I looking for?

It was time to ask myself those questions, too....

---------------------

...His texts were full of honesty and inquiries. He was meeting so-and-so for lunch, but would I like to meet him for a walk after? How was I feeling? Did I want to hear about his other dates? He was thinking about me.

This new style of relationship was exhilarating at first. I knew I wasn’t being lied to, because there was no reason to lie. I’d met John’s other girlfriends, and I decided for myself how much information I wanted about those relationships. If I asked something, he told me.

But reality set in when John had to take a call from one of his other partners at my apartment. She was experiencing intense anxiety over the state of their relationship and needed to talk. He apologized before closing the door to my bedroom to speak with her in private, while I found myself sulking outside.

Was it selfish to be hurt when she clearly needed him right now? It didn’t matter. Because I was upset. And I owed it to myself to address that.

I realized that polyamory wasn’t what I was looking for. I told John that I couldn’t handle this kind of open relationship, and he thanked me for putting myself first.

For so long, I’d been failing to find honesty in others. But perhaps that was a result of my failure to be honest with myself. By giving up on commitment, I’d discovered a commitment to myself.

Polyamory isn’t my thing, but it got me a little closer to understanding what is. In the future, I’ll know when to say “Hell yes,” and I’ll mean it.

The whole article (May 17, 2016).

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"It’s even harder than you think. Google can help."

Portland Monthly

An upscale city magazine in one of America's poly seedbeds offers some good basic guidance to newbies. Here's another example of media no longer just spotlighting human-interest stories ("Lookit the weirdos!") but meeting a perceived demand for how-to information as a public service.

In its entirety:

How to Do Polyamory, Successfully

It’s even harder than you think. Google can help.

By Marty Patail

Russell and Gina have been married since 2011. Both have other romantic partners also in polyamorous marriages. And those partners have other relationships. And so on. (It’s harder than you think!)

1. There’s no such thing as TMI. It’s all about communication. Not only do Gina and Russell make time for daily conversations, check-ins, and tell-alls, they are in constant contact via text or phone whenever they spend time with their other partners. Explains Russell: “It helps defuse things like jealousy and envy. It helps set expectations — when I’ll be leaving, when I’ll be coming back. It provides transparency.”

2. Become a planner — or else. For Gina and Russell, every date, activity, or evening on the couch requires coordination among as many as eight people (since each of their other partners is also in polyamorous relationship). The one indispensable tool: a shared Google calendar, where everyone can log and view plans, dates, and vacations up to a year in advance. “Time is the most valuable resource within a poly relationship,” Gina says. That’s a big part of my partner selection: can someone be consistent and not flaky with their time?”

3. Be prepared to grow. Russell and Gina stress that polyamory frequently puts them in difficult situations, in which they are forced to analyze their own feelings and behavior. “There’s a growth opportunity in being able to see your partner in love with someone else,” says Russell by way of example. “In polyamory we call that ‘compersion.’ It just means the flip side of jealousy. It’s an opportunity for growth, for overcoming jealousy.”

4. Get to know your lovers’ lovers. Poly couples [sic] still get jealous. According to Gina, they deal with it by getting to know the other people in their partner’s lives. “The tendency is to build things up in your head. ‘I haven’t met you, so you must be way cuter, younger, smarter, sexier.’ It helps alleviate a lot of concerns if you get face to face.”

5. Never force it. Some think polyamory is a lifestyle; others think it’s a sexual orientation. (Russell is in the former camp, Gina in the latter.) Either way, Gina says, building a monogamous relationship with a someone who you hope will be open to polyamory later is a bad idea. “Having someone change who they are for you is not a good way to go.”

This article appeared in the May 2016 issue of Portland Monthly.

The original (April 22, 2016). It's part of a six-part feature on love and dating in Stumptown. Portland Magazine claims to sell more than twice as many copies in Oregon as any other magazine.

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"Is Poly Next? Future marriage equality frontier may be harder"

Corvallis Advocate

For media running features on local poly people, the news hook has become the marriage question. Even though it's not high on most polyfolks' agendas. Think acceptance and nondiscrimination instead.

Corvallis, Oregon (between Portland and Eugene) awakes this morning to find this on display as the cover of the local alternative weekly paper:

Redefining Marriage: Polyamory May Be Next

By Kelsi Villarreal

Polyamory has been gaining publicity over the last few years, from Newsweek’s “Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution?” to Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer’s open marriage, to Benedict Smith’s article in VICE about growing up in a polyamorous household. The recent Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage opened floodgates of alarmed and snarky speculation from detractors about whether it sets a precedent for the legalization of polyamorous marriages, and the Internet has largely responded in the affirmative. And there is a growing community of polyamorous people in the Pacific Northwest — including here in Corvallis — many of whom want legal recognition of their relationships and are considering what legal polyamorous marriage might look like.

One local man, Mike, is currently in a relationship with two long-term partners and one new partner. He said, “The subject of marriage often comes up when thinking about legal issues. Emotionally, I consider both of my long-term partners wives but legally I am only allowed to marry one of them. This has caused some emotional distress.”

It’s true legalizing polyamorous marriages would be very complicated....

Currently polyamorous people have a few legal options open to them: distribution of property can be assigned through wills and trusts; more than one person can be given power of attorney for medical decisions. But only one, legally married spouse can participate in the other spouse’s insurance coverage, and insurance companies would almost certainly oppose expanding coverage to an indefinite number of partners.

Additionally, custody arrangements might be complicated if children are involved, and polyamorous parents are disadvantaged in a number of ways....

...Perhaps a first step for polyamory activism would be to fight for anti-discrimination laws. Besides facing alienation from some resources monogamous people have access to (it can be very hard, for instance, to find a relationship counsellor who is willing to counsel a poly couple), poly people face discrimination because polyamory is not a protected class. There is disagreement, even among polyamorous people, about whether polyamory is a lifestyle choice or a more fundamental identification....

Read the whole article (online July 29, 2015; paper issue dated July 30).

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"At Home With Polyamory": a profile of an Oregon quad with a teen

KOPB (Portland, OR)

Oregon Public Broadcasting puts up a 3-minute piece on its website talking with a two-couple quad and their geeky teen daughter about their poly life:



Does anyone know whether this appeared on radio or TV in addition to the website?

I have mixed opinions about representing poly to the media if you need your faces blurred out. These people pull it off, helped by all their laughter and by the happy little ukelele backgrounds the producers added. But viewers are used to blurred faces suggesting something shameful. Opinions?

This is part of KOPB's "At Home" series, "conversations inside homes across Oregon."

On a Monday night in late January, Liam and Tracie are cooking dinner for their daughter Emily. It’s her 16th birthday, and they’re having nachos and birthday cake.

As Liam and Tracie prepare dinner in the kitchen, Emily is on the couch in the living room talking with Melissa and Matthew.

Liam and Tracie are a married couple, and so are Matthew and Melissa. But they are also polyamorous. Liam and Melissa are paramours, which means they share an intimate relationship with each other. Matthew has a paramour outside the group, and Tracie currently is not in another relationship.

“Right now I’m invested in my own individual exploration,” she says. “I have a couple of projects that I want to work on now and am not really looking for another romantic attachment.”

Liam and Tracie decided to open up their marriage after Tracie had an affair with a friend.

“I made the mistake of not talking with Liam before I went ahead with it,” Tracie says. “But we decided to see what this could add to our marriage instead of taking away from it.”

Tracie and Liam met Melissa and Matthew through an online dating site a couple of years ago in Missouri. Liam and Melissa immediately hit it off, and got permission from their spouses to begin dating. After two years of the couples living separately in Missouri, they decided they were ready for their next adventure. They found an apartment in Rock Creek, a Portland suburb, and moved in together. They’ve been here for five months.

The couples asked that we not use their last names or show their faces because some of them have still not told family and friends about their choice to be polyamorous.

“A lot of people think polyamory means promiscuousness or being false with your partner, and some of that exists in our families,” Tracie says. “And right now we’re not willing to put our family or our happiness on the line just because someone has a closed mind.”

...“Trying to find time for Melissa is sometimes a struggle for Liam,” Tracie says about her husband. “And every once in a while, I’ll find that I’m jealous of the time that he’s spending with her.”

The solution? A strategy they call “over-communication,” which the foursome says is the most important rule of the house.

...Included in most of the family talks is Liam and Tracie’s daughter Emily, a self-professed “geek” who spent her birthday at Portland Comic Con. For some teenage girls, polyamorous parents might seem like too much to handle. But Liam and Tracie thought differently.

“Emily has always taken a really mature approach to it,” Tracie says. “We’ve tried to give her as much information as we felt she was ready for.”

“I was actually fine with it,” Emily says. “I expected them to understand and respect things I was going through, and I in turn would do the same for them.”...

Her's the whole article, at the original video site. (Jan. 30, 2015).

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"Local Flavours of Open" series: Portland, Oregon

MultipleMatch.com

Louisa Leontiades (Louloria) in Sweden has been publishing a steady stream of high-quality articles about ethical non-monogamy at her online magazine MultipleMatch.com (logo above). Many are also syndicated on her blogsite at The Huffington Post.

She recently started a new series, Local Flavours of Open, "which explores how polyamory is practiced in and influenced by different cultures across the world. If you would like to contribute your local flavour, get in touch!"

One of the first is about Portland, Oregon:

What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

By sexualityreclaimed

What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California, which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time ;-) ....

Read on (Nov. 12, 2013). "Co-written with KatieB from Sexuality Reclaimed & edited by Louisa Leontiades."

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"Sign Here and Here and Here: Exploring the Legality of Polyamory"

The Corvallis Advocate (Oregon)

A short piece in an Oregon alternative newspaper describes some issues that poly families can face.

Sign Here and Here and Here: Exploring the Legality of Polyamory

By Lana Jones

...How do poly people navigate parenting, bank accounts, and other everyday family business? Serious poly relationships might involve three, four, or more people that want to share the same rights and responsibilities that spouses or domestic partners would.

Parenting problems might arise because a child can by law only have two people recognized as parents. This is an issue not only for poly families but also divorced parents and step-parents. Multiple parents could be an asset to children though, and the issue may never come up unless there’s a larger problem.

“When there is some sort of problem and the court gets involved,” said Jen [a third-year law student from University of California Hastings], “the court is going to scrutinize poly families very closely.”

In that case, the parents that aren’t legally recognized may not have a say.

“That doesn’t mean that people don’t successfully co-parent, multi-parent all the time,” she said.

Poly families could turn to contracts that approximate marriage or custody. This route is expensive though because the contracts aren’t prefab forms that anyone can complete.

“It’s really a question of how much money you have,” Jen said. “The more affluent you are, the more likely you’ll be able to get your family protected.”

Even if you do get your family protected, there’s no guarantee that your contracts will be recognized. If a member of a poly family is hospitalized, for instance, will the hospital allow multiple visitation rights?

...Despite some of the difficulties associated with being poly, the lifestyle is gaining more recognition and people continue to practice it. Corvallis even has its own poly social group that meets once a month. For more information, visit http://www.meetup.com/The-Corvallis-Poly-Meetup-Group/.

Read the whole article (Feb. 14, 2013).

P.S.: See you at Atlanta Poly Weekend in four weeks! I'll be giving the closing talk.

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LGBTQ mag profiles exemplars of "ethical sluttery"

PQ Monthly

In case LGBTQs in Oregon hadn't got scoop on poly, the free monthly queer magazine of Portland and surrounding territories presents...

Ethical sluttery: Poly relationships expand the reach of love and sex

By Erin Rook

...Folks whose romantic and sexual relationships include more than two are still widely scorned in popular culture, so much so that same-sex marriage campaigns often emphasize that the couples they represent are “committed.”

But commitment is not the sole purview of monogamy. For those who practice polyamory (and it does take practice), the challenges inherent in holding space for and communicating with more than one person are outweighed by the opportunities for personal growth — and, to be fair, getting laid.

THIS IS WHAT POLYAMORY LOOKS LIKE

...Jake (a pseudonym) is 34 and currently considers himself “single.” But he is involved in a matrix of relationships, ranging from deep friendships that occasionally get physical to “flovers” (between a friend and a lover) and lovers with whom he shares physical and emotional intimacy....

“In general most people don’t expect one person to fulfill all of their needs in a particular area. No one expects a person to have just one friend who takes care of all of their non-romantic needs,” Kyra says. “Yet our culture demands that we do that for romantic love and for sex — and that romantic love and sex must be with the same person.”

Rachel Palmer and Devon Chase

Polyamorous relationships can take many forms and may shift over time. Rachael Palmer, 32, and Devon Chase, 30, have been married/partnered for seven years and each has casual secondary partners in addition to their primary relationship. Devon’s current secondary partner also has a primary partner and family of her own.

“The nature of our polyamory has changed a lot since we first got together,” Rachael says. “We used to only date people together and that came with its own set of rules that changed with who we were dating and, again, what made us both feel safe. For example, originally we would only date/sleep with people together and we wouldn’t interact romantically with said date without the other person around, but as we got more comfortable that changed, too. Now we date people together and opposite,” Rachael says. “We fuck other people because we want to be together for a long time and indulging our fantasies and desires keeps us happy and healthy.”

Read the whole article (December 2012 issue).

The author posts on the magazine's website a longer interview with Rachel and Devon, who identify as butch and femme queers, that didn't make it into the printed edition (Dec. 28, 2012).

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Favorable notice in small-town Oregon

Ashland (OR) Daily Tidings

I just got back from Loving More's annual polyamory retreat at Easton Mountain in upstate New York. This is the smaller and more intimate of Loving More's two annual East Coast events, the other being the Poly Living conference every February in Philadelphia. About 30 of us, nearly half newbies, explored poly topics and intimate community (including hot-tub poaching and sauna baking) in the woodsy wilds while a howling storm passed through, complete with tornado warning.

And then I get home to find our little conclave mentioned, favorably, in a small-town newspaper 3,000 miles away:

Couples dating others

Ashland polyamory practitioners break silence about their open relationships.

By Janet Eastman

You might not meet a more straightforward couple than Stefani Skidmore and Jeff Altemus. She checks with him first before she dates another man and he asks her directly if he can have sex with another woman.

The unmarried couple, who live together in Ashland, say being happy for your partner's bliss is an outcome of practicing polyamory, a hybrid word that joins the Greek word "poly" — meaning "many" — with the Latin word "amor" or "love." It describes a nonmonogamous, committed relationship that involves more than two people.

(I wish reporters would stop using "committed" in a way that implies that poly relationships are all primary-secondary. Many are, but for many others commitment to honesty, transparency, and the terms of an agreement is enough.)

Although quiet in Ashland and most other communities, polyamory is now in the news. A Brazilian trio was recently granted civil union status. Some practitioners gathered over the past weekend in New York for the 26th Annual Polyamory National Retreat....

...Since the word "polyamory" was created in the 1990s, other terms have popped up to explain open-marriage situations: A trio is called a "triad," a foursome a "quad." There are "primary" and "secondary" partners to describe hierarchy, "poly fidelity" means being faithful to the group and "compersion" is feeling empathetic happiness for a partner instead of jealousy.

The ultimate betrayal in polyamory is lying, practitioners say.

"If a partner has permission to sleep with someone else and there is still secrecy, that hurt is at a deeper level," says Skidmore, a Southern Oregon University student who is working toward a master's degree in clinical psychology. "If someone has all of this freedom and still has the need to do something hurtful, that's a bigger issue than sexual freedom."

...People in the poly community believe that nonexclusivity in sexual and family relations improves their psychological wellbeing, says Echo E. Fields, an associate professor in SOU's sociology department.

"They argue that monogamy is inconsistent with humans' needs for free expression of personal identity," says Fields. "They aspire to relationships in which all members have equal power. They hope that by developing insight into each member's sexual and psychological needs and honestly communicating them, members can overcome jealousy and possessiveness."

...In Ashland, people look for partners by posting on dating websites. One 30-something Ashland couple, who are married and have a child, say their lifestyle is misunderstood and is more closeted than the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. They asked that their names not be published.

"People think it's weird and wonder, 'How can you possibly do that?' " she says.

When neighbors or co-workers see one of them being romantic with another person in public, "people immediately jump to the conclusion that we're not being forthright," says the husband, adding that they have lost friends by explaining it. "It's sad that something that doesn't involve them at all ends a friendship."

He says they spent a lot of time first talking about polyamory before they acted on it....

...Skidmore says it's "freeing" to be more transparent about her private life.

"All the poly people I know have a need to be authentic and honest about what is going on in their life. When I communicate about what I need, even when it's terrifying, I am being honest."

Read the whole article (Sept. 10, 2012). Little things like this are gradually building us a future of understanding and acceptance.

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"Suddenly, It Was Everywhere"

The polyamory-awareness movement, such as it is (in the U.S. this means mainly Loving More, the Polyamory Leadership Network [PLN], and a whole raft of independent people and groups) has in the last few years settled pretty firmly on a name for its core purpose: "Relationship Choice."

This is shorthand for telling the world that you can create your own relationship structures, based on how well they work for all concerned. In particular, it's about spreading the revelation that loving, ethical multi-relationships exist, do work, and can be a genuine choice for three or more good-hearted people of integrity. For some, anyway, if they know what they're doing, and if they take care to be good at it. As in communicating, communicating, communicating.

The other side of "relationship choice" is knowing that you can choose monogamy without apology, and declare it a requirement for any partner you seek, as a conscious decision about your own needs and nature. But it should not be an unthinking default that you assume everyone has to do because it's the only thing that works. Nor should you unwarily assume that a partner of yours will also automatically think and feel the same way.

Accordingly, a vision that we discussed at the last PLN summit was bringing about the day when everyone grows up knowing that having open or closed relationships is a choice that you deliberately think about and make, rather than monogamy being the assumed necessity. In this vision, whenever two people start getting serious about each other they'll have the mono-or-poly discussion right alongside the other discussions that are crucial to serious relationships in this day and age, such as whether you want children or expect a partner to share your religion.

Those questions too used to go undiscussed because "yes" was the only right answer.

The poly movement a generation ago tended to be wilder and more utopian. Our founders often saw polyamory as a revelation about the next stage of all human evolution. Thirty years of practical experience (and ruthless snarking) have brought such attitudes more down to earth. Although, I have a hunch that a poly-normative 22nd century will look back on our early radical visionaries more kindly than we sometimes do now.

So, who could object to the ideal of relationship choice? Or the need to discuss your poly or mono proclivities with a new person right off the bat?

Well, life gets complicated. Nowadays there are enough poly-normative communities that the inevitable downsides of a new social norm are starting to be visible.

For instance, a while back I noted a complaint published at York University in Toronto:

Once I was part of a discussion with a pair of female friends bemoaning the increasing number of polyamorous women these days who were "ruining it" for women looking to settle down with one man....

Arguably... the acceptance of polyamory in certain social circles is creating an environment that is increasingly inhospitable for those bent on cultivating a monogamous relationship. This is because there is greater social pressure to accept polyamory.... A thorough critical analysis of polyamory would include an examination of the broader social issues at play if and when such relationships become more mainstream.

Portland, Oregon, is such a place already, at least if you're young. At Reed College in Portland, Lucy Bellwood is a comix artist-in-training who, when she fell hard for a guy, ran right up against the local poly-vs-mono dating culture.

Her beau, like the PLN's model of the good poly person of the future, informed her right away of his relationship beliefs and preferences.

She has just posted an auto-
biographical comic of what came next as she encountered this world. Click for the whole thing full-size (Sept. 13, 2011).

She's good. This is clearly just the start of an unfolding story. I hope she keeps going. Leave a comment on her blog.

(A week later she posted this followup sketch.)

Elsewhere, a monogamist in another very poly setting describes how she navigates:

Alternative Alternative Relationship Models

By Bianca James

Recently I went and saw a workshop presented by Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut....Polyamory is wildly popular in the queer and kink communities, to the point that people who prefer monogamy get sometimes funny looks.

I dabbled in polyamory in my youth (when I actually had the time and energy for multiple relationships) and while I respect it as a valid lifestyle for others, it's not a relationship model that works for me at this point....

So what do you do when you're not really up for polyamory but are too unconventional for traditional committed monogamy? You come up with alternatives to alternative relationship models.

Unrequited Polyamory: Although I cannot handle IRL polyamory, I am a champion at unrequited polyamory. This is when you are secretly "in love with" (read: doomed crush) multiple unavailable people.... The difference between unrequited polyamory vs. normal unrequited love is the sincere belief that all twelve of these people could be the love of your life, simultaneously, if they'd just give you a chance.

Casual Monogamy: One of the best parts of being in an ongoing relationship is (hopefully) you are having lots of fantastic sex with someone who gets to know your sexual ins and outs (teehee) well enough to get you off every time. But you know what the best part of monogamy really is? LOTS AND LOTS OF BAREBACKING (assuming you're both STI-free).... Sometimes you can't handle being in a real relationship, but you miss that unlimited sexual freedom to fuck without a condom/ dental dam/ whatever. And that's where casual monogamy comes in.

When I first moved to Chicago, I spent six months in a non-committed relationship with a much older divorced man I nicknamed my "casual husband."...

Platonic Boyfriend/ Girlfriend/ Genderqueerfriend: This is sort of the inverse of casual monogamy. You are clearly in an ongoing, emotional involved relationship with a person, and you do stuff like cook dinner and go to IKEA together, but sex is off the table....

Read the whole article at the Huffington Post (Sept. 19, 2011).

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Student poly stories

Whitman Pioneer (WA)
Sacramento State Hornet (CA)
Portland State Vanguard (OR)
Smith Sophian (MA)

Time for another roundup of polyamory discussions in college newspapers.

● In today's Whitman Pioneer at Whitman College in the state of Washington:

Partnered Monogamy: Is there an alternative?

By A. Cuard

...The form that these relationships take can vary greatly. Some people may form a fairly traditional relationship between two people but designate it as an ‘open’ relationship.... Some people form ‘primary’ partnerships and then pursue secondary relationships outside of that. Others pursue and form several long-term and short-term relationships with multiple people, without designating any as primary or secondary.

...For people who choose non-monogamy as a permanent relationship choice, it may involve levels of commitment similar to long-term monogamous relationships.

So why bother with non-monogamy?

Under the current model of monogamy, we accept that there is a natural difference between ‘relationships’ and ‘friendships’ that allows us to treat our romantic partners differently than our friends. As a friend, I have very little control over who my friends form relationships with and the shape those relationships take. But this changes with ‘romantic relationships’....

As opposed to friendships, there is apparently a limit on how much romantic love or intimacy a person can occupy at one time, and it is assumed that if you are in a romantic relationship with one person, you cannot be in an equally meaningful relationship with someone else....

This idea of ownership or ‘belonging’ to one other person might feel comforting and natural for many people, but for others, including myself, this type of possessiveness and jealousy limits my ability to function as a self-determining individual.

...Non-monogamy offers a way for people to find intimacy and commitment in relationships regardless of whether they involve sex. At the same time, it lessens the pressure to be jealous and possessive, because individuals in non-monogamous relationships don’t ‘belong’ to one other person the way that monogamously partnered couples do....

Read the whole article (April 28, 2011).


● At Cal State Sacramento yesterday, on the website of the State Hornet:

Oral Exam: Open relationships

By Brittany Bradley

...When a friend of mine recently told me she and her boyfriend were considering evolving their monogamous relationship into an open polyamory relationship, I was instantly curious.

Polyamory is an arrangement revolving around the idea that a committed pair of lovers seeks sexual satisfaction with multiple partners outside of the committed relationship with the absence of jealousy and possessiveness. It means that the couple can see and involve themselves in as many sexual or emotional relationships as they choose as long as both are open, honest and communicate efficiently.

However, this recent bout of enlightenment got me wondering ... whatever happened to the threesome?... Are we seeing the dawning of an age in which the threesome has been replaced by complicated relationships with varying levels of commitment?

...Group sex, like all sex, must be approached with responsibility.... If you play your cards right, sex will take on a new existing outlook and your intimacy can survive the whole outcome. Sex can be as much fun as it was when you first got together and the person involved can be someone you've chosen together.

The only issue? Like any other relationship, non-monogamous or otherwise, communication and honesty are the real key to success. If you or anyone involved becomes concerned or uncomfortable, SPEAK UP. Otherwise you'll end up re-enacting a scene from "The Human Centipede"....

...Even if you don't have the taste for polyamory or open relationships, there's no doubt you know or will know someone who does.

Dive in, experiment, push your limits to wherever seems comfortable and you may find you learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible....

Read the whole article (April 27, 2011).


● In the Portland (Oregon) State University Vanguard:

Poly-what-ory?

By Kat Audick

Polyamory. A term with which I was completely unfamiliar until moving up to Portland.... For a while I let this mysterious concept sit on the back burner in my mind, until I realized that this polyamory thing is perhaps more common than I thought.

Is it just sleeping with a lot of people? Or labeling multiple individuals as your "significant other" or "significant others," for that matter?... Ask around and you'll likely find that depending upon whom you talk to (who identifies as polyamorous), the meaning can differ quite a bit.

...There definitely seems to have been a strong resurgence of the concept only recently among college-age folk — at least from my observations. Portland happens to be one of the cities across the U.S. that is embracing it with open arms....

Before you get too excited, polyamory is not just an idea that means "free sex for everyone" and without obligations. Poly individuals have a similar basis in morals when practicing consensual relationships — they just happen to hold these relationships with more than one person.... Instead of committing to just one girlfriend/boyfriend, they choose to romantically commit to several. If anything, they are over-committal....

Running all over Portland State's campus, I stopped random individuals and asked their thoughts on the subject. Out of a hundred students... 71 said that polyamory didn't bother them. It's also notable that 25 people couldn't present an opinion on polyamory because they had absolutely no previous knowledge of the subject, and only four flat out said that they thought every aspect of polyamory wasn't just wrong for them personally, but that it should not be practiced by anyone. [See poll results chart].

...With how many 20-something friends and acquaintances that I know who identify as polyamorous, it's easy to question if it's just a fad. Much like being a little bi-curious in college can be thrown around as a stereotype — having its heyday when Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl" hit the radio. Polyamory may become more well known and talked about as time goes on. Maybe Perry's next song will be "I Kissed a Girl, and a Boy, and Another Girl, and We All Liked It."

Read the whole article (April 1, 2011).


● At Smith College, known for a strong lesbian community, in The Sophian:

Sex and the Smithie: Hear me out, I'm polyamorous and proud!

Have you ever fallen in love with more than one person at once? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that jealousy might be kind of dumb? Have you ever been sexually attracted to another person while already in a relationship? Congratulations! You're not automatically a bad person — you might just be polyamorous.

Poly-what?

...It means "loving many," and although it might seem wrong to combine Greek and Latin roots, it's a legitimate lifestyle choice for many. The basic idea of polyamory is that it is acceptable to have more than one romantic or sexual partner at once, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

What?

Mind-blowing, scandalous, I know. Disgusting. Counter to the very idea of a relationship. Slutty. An excuse for cheating. Mormon-y? Awful. I'll admit, when I first heard of it, I found it sickening. But hear me out just a little more.

In my, at first rather incidental, education on polyamory, I learned a few things that polyamory is not.

It is not cheating. All partners must be aware of the situation and are involved in creating boundaries for the relationship(s). For this reason, it is also called consensual non-monogamy. It is not a cult plural marriage; partners may be married, committed or just passing through - and many, if not most, polyamorists are not
religious....

Polyamory has strong feminist and freethinking roots that allow both men and women to have multiple partners, and all involved parties set guidelines for the relationship that they want, not the one that society dictates.

...In addition to describing a relationship status, "polyamorous" can also describe an orientation. I, for example, currently only date one person, but consider myself poly by orientation and would like to have another partner or two. And my partner is aware of this.

Sound confusing? It is. If you thought monogamous relationships were bad, try balancing two or more partners. Three Valentine's Day cards? Two sets of feelings? Four pains of being in love? Yikes. But all the joy of love is multiplied as well....

...I'm poly. But here's what I'm not: I'm not a slut. I'm not a repressed cult member. I'm not a liar, or a cheat. I'm not sick, immoral or evil.

Here's what I am: I am a devoted girlfriend. I am open and honest in a way I've never been able to imagine before. I am flexible - and I don't just mean physically. And, yes, let's face it, I am countercultural. I am free. I am polyamorous.

The whole article (March 10, 2011).

P.S.: Guess what! I'm interviewed on Minx's current Polyamory Weekly podcast: episode #270. Listen here.

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"Tangled Up In You and You and You"

Portland (OR) Monthly Magazine

The city magazine of Portland, Oregon, runs a long feature article introducing local polys, their lives and loves:

Tangled Up In You and You and You

Brian is married to April, but he also likes Maggie. April loves Brian, but occasionally snuggles with Bill. And no one is jealous.

By Bart Blasengame | April 2008

BRIAN LIFTS A PINT of beer from the table with both hands and slowly pulls it to his mouth as though it were a super-sized sippy cup. Convulsing from relentless bouts of giggling, giddiness and grinning, he has to forcefully lasso his lips into the requisite “O” shape just to manage a swallow.

Sip. Swallow. Giggle. Grin. Sip. Swallow. Giggle. Grin. When finally he does manage to speak, what comes billowing across the table of our tiny booth at the Virginia Café is a contrail of heart-shaped platitudes. “She’s got these sparkly eyes, a cute little laugh,” he gushes, eyes blinking off somewhere into space. “I totally have a crush on her.”

Tall and meaty, with soft features and longish brown hair, Brian (he asked that we not use his last name) has a date tonight. But the “she” he is drooling over is most definitely not his wife. Nope. While the 38-year-old computer data analyst is here trying to calm his pre-date nerves with alcohol, his wife, April, is back at their East Side home whipping him up a couple of vegetarian herbed cutlets. These Brian will eat later, with his date, down in the basement, while April stays upstairs. And after Brian and his date are done eating, they’ll settle in for a little one-on-one.

My puritanical mind—which was raised on the Good Book back in Arkansas—hurls mental stones across the table: Cheater. Adulterer. Pervert. But apparently that’s just me being a narrow-minded monogamist. Because for April and Brian, sleeping with somebody else isn’t lying. It’s a lifestyle—specifically, polyamory, a word that derives from the Greek word poly, meaning “many,” and amor, the Latin word for love. Last fall, even as they took their vows in front of friends and family, Brian and April knew (though most of their guests didn’t) the unique rules of their arrangement. Both would be allowed to pursue romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people simultaneously, as long as they had permission from one another and were honest about their intentions, and as long as neither objected to the other’s chosen partner… till death do us part....

Some might call them weird. Others might call them amoral. Just please — don’t call them “swingers.” For unlike those who stray from the marriage bed purely for sex, polys (as polyamorists are known for short) profess to be a higher-minded lot, in hot pursuit not just of orgasm but of intimacy. What they want are multiple respectful, nurturing, long-term relationships — a kind of Dr. Phil-inspired emotional approach to love that in recent years has helped move polyamory away from the edges of the sexual fringe and attracted more people to its ranks.

...Few places boast a poly community as robust in numbers and enthusiasm as does Portland, which is home to a thriving and complex social network of polys who are eager to meet up with other polys — Brian estimates about 1,500 alone are signed up for the local Yahoo poly chat rooms he moderates alone.

...As it has with most things once regarded as taboo, the Internet has acted like a dinner bell for anyone with even a passing interest in polyamory. Locally, the hottest address for the poly-curious is www.lovetribe.org.... Click. Just like that, an entire underworld materialized beneath my fingers. I could also access a social calendar that sounded like something out of Penthouse Forum. There’s a “Men’s Spirit Pajama Party” on Thursday, in which I could engage in massage circles and something called a “puppy pile.” A clothing-optional hot-tub party/baby shower on Friday. Or the “Rapture” on Saturday, a sexually charged dance party that promised to end in one of two ways—in the Snuggle Den, a room that’s meant for clothes-on touching, or in the Play Space, where sex was A-OK. There, the only rule, other than safe sex, was that you couldn’t expose your genitals on the dance floor — at least, not until midnight.... then I saw something more my speed: the First Thursday Art Snuggle. The description promised a fully clothed group groping amid poetry readings and lightly strummed music....

...The puppy pile is just one of many gateway drugs that feed a polyamorist’s need for nonsexual connection....

It doesn’t always work.

Erin (who also requested her last name not be used), a 28-year-old counselor, thought she was ready when she and her boyfriend of one year decided to explore polyamory. “We thought we were really radical and that monogamy was totally oppressive, boring and not cool,” she says with a roll of her eyes. “Obviously that was a bunch of crap.” Three years into the experiment, poorly handled encounters led to resentment and anger. Or as Erin bluntly puts it: “He was into it more for the booty than the politics.”

Now in a long-term relationship with a woman, Erin says the only thing polyamory enhances is a couple’s odds of breaking up. “The theory that you can share your partner without some sort of backlash almost always works better than the practice,” she insists. “You can talk about having an open relationship, but the second one of you actually acts on it, the shit hits the fan.”

“Polyamory can be a mess,” admits Avena, the Ashland-based therapist. “It sounds revolutionary, and to have that much love and support in your life is astounding. But there can be a lot of conflict, and if the core relationship isn’t solid enough to handle it? People can get hurt really badly.”

Read the whole article (April 2008 issue). Here it is all on one page with fewer ads.

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