Deutsche Welle: "Polyamory: An abundance of love"

This came as a reminder of my old childhood shortwave-radio days. Deutsche Welle is the official international broadcaster, and now website, for Germany. It offers programming in 30 languages including English. Its stated goals are to convey Germany as a "liberal, democratic state based on the rule of law," produce reliable news coverage, and represent German language and culture.

On Thursday it put up this long, friendly, supportive article on its website:

Polyamory: An abundance of love

By Caroline Schmitt

Loving several people at once — is that possible? Meeting a polyamorous young woman showed that it is, but only if you replace some of love's glamor with sober rationality.

"There are phases where I'm closer to one person. Physical proximity plays a huge role. But if I meet someone new and think they're interesting, that doesn't mean I'm less close to anyone else. Maybe I have a bit less time for them, but everyone else's lives never stand still either," Juliane (right) says.

Turns out love, unlike money, food or space, isn't a limited resource. Juliane loves, sleeps with, is there for, and occasionally gets angry about, four different people. She lives as part of a network of people who all have multiple lovers.

Currently, she has been in one relationship in Berlin for more than a year, in a long-distance relationship and casually with two others for two and four years, respectively.

The secret for not letting this turn into a massive orgy or a constant emotional rollercoaster ride? According to Juliane, there are some essential ingredients: "It's really important to me that the people who play a central role in my life get to know each other and communicate openly," she says, adding that honesty is also important, along with having the guts to be raw and vulnerable.

Her relationship model of choice is polyamory, a term coined in the mid 90s. It is a model that works differently for everyone involved in a relationship with multiple partners. There isn't one sole way to live it — details are constantly being negotiated.

..."Monogamy is an absurd idea to me. If there is someone I feel very close to, someone I love, why would that keep me from having sex with others? Why would that keep me from feeling close to someone else? I mean [even if I tried], it would happen. I would meet someone new and I'd fall in love. A relationship wouldn't prevent me from feeling that way," Juliane says with a smile, as if she's probably thinking about someone at this very moment.

She describes love as "finding someone fascinating" and "meeting someone so great you want to spend as much time with them as possible". Her idea of love is focussed on the other person — on their life, the way they see the world — so it feels different every time because every person is different. In that way, she doesn't so much talk about the butterflies in her stomach or the excitement in her own heart, instead she highlights people's characters.

She talks about all these people fondly while sitting in the garden of her girlfriend Theresa's flat in a residential part of north Berlin. Theresa never had just one relationship; there were always several. After one and a half years together, Theresa is one of her more intense relationships. Their interactions are natural and effortless. They casually chat about their plans for next week and talk about where her housemate is. With their inside jokes they come across like old friends, but you can tell they are lovers by the way Juliane tenderly strokes Theresa's hair for a split second....

...It's difficult to picture what being vulnerable could look like without witnessing any major fights, meltdowns, or arguments about the same old issues that wouldn't end. Now, talking about vulnerability on a harmonious summer evening feels a little clinical and theoretical, but maybe that's a huge part of a polyamorous lifestyle.

Her profound determination to live differently has become stronger and less compromising over the years, because she put so much effort, literary research and then first-hand experience into making polyamory work. "If people look at all the relationship models and find that polyamory doesn't work for them, that's fine too. What annoys me is people who don't reflect on society and traditions and just adopt [monogamy]."

...Maybe that's something monogamous people can learn from polyamorous people like Juliane: Instead of being so focused on one person — The One who will lead you to eternal happiness and rainbows — copying Juliane's way of relying on herself, being conscious about her own feelings and needs, may also increase the abundance of love in a one-to-one relationship.

Read the whole article (August 20, 2015). I don't find any versions but the English one.

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Queer Women's Sex Survey: Monogamy vs. Not

Autostraddle

The lesbian online magazine Autostraddle continues to publish results from its massive queer women's sex survey. The sample was very large, with "over 8,566 complete responses," but it doesn't represent lesbians generally: it was self-selected toward Autostraddle's perhaps edgy readers and their contacts, and toward internet users interested enough to fill out a long survey. One obvious bias appears: 89% of of the respondents were between ages 18 and 36.

With that caveat, the results are interesting. Yesterday Autostraddle analysed the monogamy-nonmonogamy dimension of the survey, with numerous crosstabs.

My quick takeaway: the survey seems to confirm the conventional assumption that queer women are much more monogamous than gay men in both orientation and practice. But among the survey's self-selected sample at least, nonstandard relationship structures seem less rare than among heteros.

From the summary at the start:

We asked survey-takers for their current relationship status. The options were “in a monogamous relationship,” “in a non-monogamous relationship of any form” and “not in a relationship.” That came out like this:

● 55.97% are in a monogamous relationship
● 29.17% are not in a relationship
● 14.86% are in a non-monogamous relationship of any form

We also asked all survey-takers for their preferred relationship style, which broke down into more specific categories:

● 61.7% chose Monogamy: An exclusive relationship between two people.
● 0.39% chose Triad: A closed relationship that involves three people instead of two.
● 0.58% chose Polyfidelity: A closed relationship with sexual and emotional fidelity required of a group that is larger than two.
● 5.3% chose Polyamory: Participants have multiple romantic and sexual partners, ideally with everybody involved being aware of and consenting to the arrangement.
● 6% chose Open Relationship: Two humans in a committed relationship decide that they’re allowed to hook up with other people, together or separately.
● 1.44% chose Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Partners are free to do whatever they want with whomever they want as long as it never becomes known to their other partner, either via direct disclosure or other obvious behavior or relationship changes. This is tricky.

Read on (June 9, 2015). At the bottom of the article are links to other poly-related Autostraddle stories.

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U.K. lesbians look at poly history and practice

The Most Cake calls itself "the chic-yet-undeniably-geeky lovechild of a new generation of London lesbians having their cake and eating it too." Here it delves into lesbian poly history and practice.

When your girlfriend wants two girlfriends

By Lucy Peters

...That’s the version of romance you hear about in pop music and romantic comedies, literature and magazine problem pages: that if you choose right, you can find one person to offer you companionship and sex, financial stability and children, along with red roses on Valentines’ Day.

This idea has persisted through the rise of feminism, which allowed many women to escape the need for male financial and legal protection, and the gay rights movement, which turned mainstream notions of sex and love upside down.

...But over the last couple of decades, more and more people have been opting for something slightly different…

The word ‘polyamory’ appeared for the first time in 1992, in a Usenet newsgroup post by Jennifer L. Wesp, who was credited when, in 2006, it was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. The definition was based on a 1990 essay by a pagan writer called Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart about her relationships...

Polyamory originated at the same time as queer theory, the strand of academia that brought feminism and gay rights issues together in books like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Like queer theory, polyamory had radical notions about how people might arrange their sex lives, and like queer theory, it was spearheaded by women....

Its first and most famous handbook, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, was published in the US in 1997, and though (unlike in more recent books and online guides to polyamory) the focus was more on sex than relationships, the book clarified the distinction between polyamory and cheating, was inclusive of some queer identities, and approached topics, like jealousy and scheduling, that are still key discussion points.... Arguably, it rode the wave of gay and feminist political movements, as they worked to change social attitudes to gender and sexuality, but its philosophy might not have influenced so many people if it hadn’t also been published pretty much at the dawn of the digital age.... If I set my filters to find queer, non-monogamous women living in or near London, I end up with a long list: if I went on dates with them all at a rate of one per week, I’d be busy for the next three years.

According to the BBC, polyamory, with its focus on honesty and flexible approach to intimacy, is ‘the next frontier’ of our romantic lives...

...It might not be obvious that this can be a politically radical way to organise relationships. But for queer poly people, there are clear links between seeing your gender and sexuality as political and organising your relationships along polyamorous lines....

Read the whole long article, 2,800 words (Jan. 11, 2015). It goes on to interview women in London's queer poly scene.

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"Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From"

If that title sounds familiar, it's only because the Five Things meme broke into poly writing last year. This piece appeared in Autostraddle today and is new as best as I can find.

It's also a winner, worth passing along to relationship-advice type places.

Autostraddle, "News, Entertainment, Opinion, Community and Girl-on-Girl Culture," claims to be "the world’s most popular independently-owned lesbian website with over one million unique visitors and 3 million views per month."

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

By Carolyn [a longtime Autostraddle editor]

Juggling multiple relationships at different levels with many different people requires a sturdy relationship skill set that makes poly relationships the PhD of human interaction — not better than other types of relationships, but definitely more complicated. Here are five principles central to successful consensual non-monogamous partnerships that can improve basically any relationship.

1. Communication is really important.

...Sex educator Charlie Glickman says:

“Something else I’ve learned from being poly is that it requires the ability to talk about and process feelings quickly and efficiently.... When there are multiple people, each with their own needs and desires, as well as their feelings about each other, there are a lot of moving parts. If I could, I’d tell my younger self that the best way to learn how to process well would be to build social networks full of people who are dedicated to open-hearted, honest communication.”...

2. Consent is also really important.

...Talking about your relationships or current situation or expectations happens a lot in non-monogamous situations, but can be really useful in monogamous relationships as well. In addition to the obvious importance of enthusiastic consent in sexy situations, collaboration and enthusiasm between everyone at all stages can only lead to a better experience for all.

3. Everyone has feelings and needs.

...and theirs may be different than yours....

4. Jealousy is a dish best served deconstructed....

5. There is more than one way to have a relationship.

A ton of modern relationships are seen as having one logical path.... Solo Poly calls this path the relationship escalator....

There are so many possible types of relationships, and so many ways to conduct those relationships, that thinking about what you actually want from a given situation and how it might work for you (and communicating those needs) is incredibly important.

Here's the article (May 21, 2014). The comments, for once, are worth reading.

Update the next day: Another Five Things article just popped up: Five Ways In Which Polyamory Is Like Grad School, on Love Is Infinite's blog:

1. It’s not for the faint of heart....

2. It will sometimes eat your life and require you to consume copious quantities of caffeine… but you love it anyway....

3. People will ask you, “How can you do that?!?”....

4. And your answer will be something like, “I couldn’t NOT do it!”...

5. There are times when you will want to quit… and may more times when you will be glad you didn’t.

As mentioned before, this stuff is HARD. When you’re on your third night of no sleep with that damn essay that just won’t go right, you will want to say “fuck this! I don’t need this qualification anyway!” When you’re struck with an attack of jealousy or have just broken up with someone, you will probably want to say “this would all be better if I were just monogamous!”

But when you step back and realise you followed your heart and chased your dream and worked through all the adversities in the way, you will be so very glad you stuck it out.

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A suddenly viral story: "Meet world's first married lesbian threesome"

Remember the lovely wedding commitment ceremony of Kitten, Doll and Brynn that was featured last fall in Offbeat Bride? Now that their first baby is on the way, they got a writeup in the U.K.'s Daily Mail.

Doll, Kitten and Brynn (L-R), from Massachusetts, were joined together in a marriage-style ceremony last August and are expecting a daughter in July.

The Mail, understand, is a "dreadful rag" of the sort that gives lowbrow Brit papers their bad name, but it sure has reach. And although its treatment is sensationalist and the headline is surely inaccurate, the story is totally friendly and upbeat, and the photos and video are flattering. I bet a lot of negotiating went on behind the scenes.

Here comes the bride. And another one. And another one! Meet world's first married lesbian THREESOME . . . and they're expecting a baby due in July

By Deni Kirkova

...The plan at the moment is that Kitten will bear all the children — possibly using her wives' eggs and donated sperm — but they are open to other options, such as adoption.

Brynn, 34, says: 'The hope is to have three kids altogether. We always joke that the children should never outnumber the parents.'

Doll, Kitten and Brynn Young married in a ceremony in August 2013, when each of their fathers walked them down the aisle. All three women wore white wedding gowns and exchanged rings....



The so-called 'throuple' worked with a specialist family lawyer who drew up the paperwork and drafted the ceremony so that all three of them were obligated and bound to each other.

While Brynn and Kitten are legally married, Doll is handfasted to both so the threesome are as equally married to each other as legally possible.

It was back in 2009 that Brynn first met Doll through an online dating site. Senior Software Designer and Engineer, Brynn had been married twice before to women and both experiences had made her acknowledge that monogamous relationships weren't for her.

Meanwhile Fashion Designer, Doll had known that she was polygamous since high school. She explains: 'I had always dated girls — who although they had boyfriends or girlfriends — were also allowed to date me.

'I never thought that much about it and I had never really 'come out' as poly to my friends and family. To me, it was just how I was.'

Kitten: 'We decided that I would be the one to carry the babies because I am more than happy to become a full-time mum. When our daughter arrives in July, I'll be the one changing the nappies and doing the feeds!'

Brynn and Doll dated for eight months before moving in together. Two years later, they purchased a house together.

Doll, Kitten and Brynn show off their wedding rings.

Having both enjoyed polygamous relationships before, Doll and Brynn looked for a third woman to join them. After a few failed liaisons, Doll and Brynn created an OKCupid couple's profile. Eventually, they received a message from Kitten....

Doll says: 'There was an instant attraction with Kitten but I think we all really bonded when we baked cookies together on our fourth date. I didn't know what love was until the three of us clicked like that.'

...The threesome insist their relationship is like that of any normal couple: having breakfast with one another, watching TV after work and sharing a bed together.... Doll says: 'The only difference is that communication is a lot more difficult for us than others. There are three people so our relationship takes detailed scheduling - everything we do goes on the calendar!

...Brynn explains: 'Just because we aren't the atypical configuration, I didn't want to not get married. We're very traditional people and that sense was reflected in our wedding.'...

...Brynn adds: 'Through homeschooling, I think we can also educate our kids to have the same strength that Doll, Kitten and I have.

'The three of us have been brave enough to stand tall and go against what society calls normal. I hope our child will feel free to do the same thing if they wish.'...

Read the whole article (April 23, 2014).

Update April 25: Overnight the story has gone worldwide, including on the websites, at least, of the New York Daily News, the Moonie Washington Times, the U.K.'s tabloid Sun and Mirror and The Times, Germany's Bild, France's Le Point, Greece's News247, India's Daily Bhashar, VN Express in Vietnam, VG in Norway, the Malaysia Chronicle, Australia's news.com, and many more. I'm sure the great photography helped.

Update April 28: Media Matters posts a roundup of conservative reaction: Right-Wing Media Cite Lesbian "Throuple" To Attack Marriage Equality.

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LGBTQ mag profiles exemplars of "ethical sluttery"

PQ Monthly

In case LGBTQs in Oregon hadn't got scoop on poly, the free monthly queer magazine of Portland and surrounding territories presents...

Ethical sluttery: Poly relationships expand the reach of love and sex

By Erin Rook

...Folks whose romantic and sexual relationships include more than two are still widely scorned in popular culture, so much so that same-sex marriage campaigns often emphasize that the couples they represent are “committed.”

But commitment is not the sole purview of monogamy. For those who practice polyamory (and it does take practice), the challenges inherent in holding space for and communicating with more than one person are outweighed by the opportunities for personal growth — and, to be fair, getting laid.

THIS IS WHAT POLYAMORY LOOKS LIKE

...Jake (a pseudonym) is 34 and currently considers himself “single.” But he is involved in a matrix of relationships, ranging from deep friendships that occasionally get physical to “flovers” (between a friend and a lover) and lovers with whom he shares physical and emotional intimacy....

“In general most people don’t expect one person to fulfill all of their needs in a particular area. No one expects a person to have just one friend who takes care of all of their non-romantic needs,” Kyra says. “Yet our culture demands that we do that for romantic love and for sex — and that romantic love and sex must be with the same person.”

Rachel Palmer and Devon Chase

Polyamorous relationships can take many forms and may shift over time. Rachael Palmer, 32, and Devon Chase, 30, have been married/partnered for seven years and each has casual secondary partners in addition to their primary relationship. Devon’s current secondary partner also has a primary partner and family of her own.

“The nature of our polyamory has changed a lot since we first got together,” Rachael says. “We used to only date people together and that came with its own set of rules that changed with who we were dating and, again, what made us both feel safe. For example, originally we would only date/sleep with people together and we wouldn’t interact romantically with said date without the other person around, but as we got more comfortable that changed, too. Now we date people together and opposite,” Rachael says. “We fuck other people because we want to be together for a long time and indulging our fantasies and desires keeps us happy and healthy.”

Read the whole article (December 2012 issue).

The author posts on the magazine's website a longer interview with Rachel and Devon, who identify as butch and femme queers, that didn't make it into the printed edition (Dec. 28, 2012).

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A lesbian triad comes out in print

Cherrie (Australia)
Lesbians are much less likely to be in open relationships than gay men, according to any number of surveys, possibly even less so than straights. But among those who are, it's my unscientific impression that lesbians are more likely to embrace the family-formation model of polyamory than polys in general. Does somebody have any data?

Cherrie, a glossy lesbian magazine in Australia, profiles one such group — and their opinions about why it works — in an article on varieties of lesbian relationships.

Modern Love

By Francesca Sciacca

...Tathra, 39, a sustainability consultant and Emma, 29, a teacher, have been together six and a half years. From the beginning Tathra was very clear with Emma that polyamory, the practice of being in ethical, open relationships, was part of who she is. However, it wasn’t until almost five years into their relationship that Jac, 32, a secondary teacher, came on the scene as Emma’s lover. [In the picture, from left: Tathra, Emma. Jac.]

...Having an ethical polyamorous relationship that works is based on agreements. For these women, it’s clear and simple. Don’t bitch about each other. If any of them have a disagreement it must get resolved before they sleep with someone else. Keep in open communication and even talk about it as a group. Schedule date nights. Don’t take each other for granted. Be present with whomever you’re with in the moment.

This is made all the more challenging when you all live under the one roof....

Jac adds: “Tathra is really great for me because she’s got so much experience in relationships, but also in her relationship with Emma… Tathra totally gets it because she knows my partner the way that I do! There’s that bond between Tathra and I that works really well.”

The bond between the three of them is palpable. [The author says she's] moved by their maturity and the depth to examine who they are in relationships. Jac says, “Even jealousy is not forbidden or taboo.”

Tathra explains, “There’s a term in the polyamorous community — compersion. It means finding pleasure in your lover having pleasure with another. In a Buddhist sense it’s more like, enjoying the joy of others. It’s basically the opposite to jealousy. Jealousy is completely natural, and in fact it’s important to acknowledge when you feel it, which allows it to pass much easier.”...

...Tathra says, “It’s not even that monogamy is unfulfilling. I just believe that one person can’t meet all the needs of another. Sometimes platonic relationships can fulfil those other needs when you’re in a relationship with someone. And sometimes they don’t.”

...Emma says, “Some people operate in, ‘I want what I can’t have.’ We don’t have things you can’t have. Because there is nothing forbidden, that’s not a driving factor for anything. We’ve had difficulties in our relationship, but it’s not so much the polyamory. It’s relationship stuff, trivial stuff like the housework.”

Emma continues: “Ours is a lot more about choosing to be with the person rather than feeling obliged to because of your commitment to someone. We’re together because we want to be together, not for any other reason.”

The article concludes:

...Maybe monogamy isn’t outdated, but rather what is outdated are the types of questions we’re asking in relationships. What if the question was, does this relationship serve me? Does this relationship serve them and ultimately does it serve the world?....

Read the whole article by flipping to page 18. (April 2012 issue; after this month look for it here). The text is also reprinted on Australian's Gay News Network.

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"There’s More Than One Way to Have a Lesbian Relationship"

Autostraddle

If you haven't studied Franklin Veaux's Venn diagram of nonmonogamy even now that it's gone viral, you just have no geek cred at all. It may have inspired the flowchart of lesbian relationships that's gone up on Autostraddle ("news, entertainment and girl-on-girl culture"). Autostraddle is an online lesbian magazine that specializes in the brash, radical and sexy. A quality flowchart is brash, radical and sexy, and if you don't understand this you probably don't get xkcd either¹, so there.

Start at the "YOU" box at center and see if you end up at "polyamorous." That's where the happiest choices seem to get you.

Here's the article accompanying it:

There’s More Than One Way to Have a Lesbian Relationship

By Andrea

...Perhaps you have, in the recent past, had an intense, intimate, friendly, semi-cordial relationship with another cute/hot/pretty/(insert aesthetic adjective here) person and are now wondering what it could possibly mean.

Hopefully it means that your life is about to get a lot more exciting, filled with lots of adorable chemical reactions that hopefully don’t leave you with any complicated byproducts. There’s no need to worry; hang out with this new girl, go to a concert, make breakfast, cuddle. You don’t have to give in to external pressures of labeling yourselves. You can enjoy yourselves without being monogamous.

...I mean, if the only ‘real’ interactions we had with people were serious relationships and we were otherwise alone, we would probably all be friendless, emotionally distraught hermits.

...Thus I have compiled some possible relationship (or friendship) types for all of you autostraddling lovers and friendlers.

Friendship: Filled with platonic cuddling, honesty, and wonderful adventures....

Ambiguous friendship with a straight girl....

Friends with benefits.... Who doesn’t love hooking up without consequences?

Open relationship: Through my own experience and friends’ experiences here’s what I have learned: open relationships are much like monogamous relationships in that both people deeply care for each other, maybe even love (scary, right?). However, this does not imply the demise of sexual attraction to other people. Thus, both interested parties are granted the freedom to pursue alternative, noncommittal, non-significant intimate relationships with other people....

--Type I open relationship:... If/when one member gets down and dirty with someone else, they come clean about it....

--Type II open relationship: Both people agree that they are allowed to hook up with other people; however, neither wants to hear about it.

Polyamory: Having both intimate, emotional, open, and consensual interactions with multiple people. Polyamory includes the idea that jealousy does not have to exist (for a more in-depth discussion, check out Autostraddle dot com’s ‘Polyamory 101’). Jealousy is hard to deal with. As much as I would like to pretend that I’ve never experienced it or never will it can be a pernicious destroyer of both relationships and friendships. But that is only if you let it.

Monogamous relationships: I don’t think I can go here until I’m older/mature/experienced/mentally stable.

Long distance: It better be fucking worth it.

Read the whole article (April 21, 2011).

The article references this earlier one:

What Do You Mean You’re Not Monogamous?

by Akwaeke Z Emezi

....Eventually I reached a point where I had to put my foot down, throw my hands up and say it: I don’t want to be monogamous. Never have. Ever. Ever. Just admitting that was step one, and step two meant that I had to get vocal about it from the jump, so that I wouldn’t end up dating monogamous people and mislead us both about what was possible.

Whoo, that led to some interesting conversations that raised my hackles. I’ve heard some blanket statements and generalizations about nonmonogamy that simply did my head in, so I think it’s about time we educate ourselves, open discussions, and learn from each other. Let’s tackle a few issues in bullet point, shall we?...

● Poly people just want to sleep with a lot of people. You can switch this up with ‘poly people are greedy,’ et cetera – any format where it just gets reduced to sex....

● Poly people just can’t commit. Oh, this one gets under my skin to no end.... This one usually gets linked to the first one: operating under the premise that it is impossible to commit to a person if you’re busy smanging other people, i.e. commitment always = monogamy. False.

● Isn’t this the same thing as being a cheater? No....

● What’s the point of being with someone if you’re going to continue smanging/dating other people? If you don’t want to be with a poly person, it’s simple. Don’t.... I’ve had a close friend get furious that I had the nerve to get married while nonmonogamous....

● What if you change your mind and turn out to want a monogamous relationship? #blinks. Then I’ll date monogamously.

● Did... did you just say relationship orientation?? I believe that for some people, being poly is innate and not a choice....

● Polyamory/nonmonogamy is just the newest trend. People started saying this about natural hair, did you know?

Feel free to add your own bullet points.

There are also a lot of myths that run in the opposite directions, such as claiming that poly relationships are ‘more evolved’ than monogamous ones, or that involve people treating monogamous people with disdain. Prejudice can run both ways in this case....

So now, I turn it over to you. What are some preconceptions you’ve had about monogamy or nonmonogamy? Have you ever encountered someone who is extremely anti- one or the other?

About the author: Born and bred in the south of Nigeria, Akwaeke Z Emezi is an Igbo and Tamil free love advocate, genderqueer Nutri-C addict, and natural hair aficionado... A current Brooklynite.

Read the whole article (March 24, 2011).

More lesbian poly on Autostraddle.

P.S., later: How could I have forgotten to include Franklin's flowchart snarking stereotypical couples looking for hot bi babes?

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¹ Okay okay, here's the joke. The scientists study 20 jelly bean colors. For 19 colors they find no acne causation at the 2-sigma level, meaning only a 5% chance that the result is a statistical fluke (p = 0.05), the usual standard for scientific publication. But look carefully at panel number 14: the statistically expected fluke happens. Scientifically illiterate media then go nuts.

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"Queer Polyamory for Lesbians"

Autostraddle

There's the idea that lesbians are way less interested in multi-relating than gay guys. Maybe so, but not always. The online magazine Autostraddle — "an intelligent, hilarious & provocative voice and a progressive online community for a new generation of kickass lesbian, bisexual & otherwise inclined ladies" — presents an interview with a couple of poly girl girls.

Do you have a girlfriend? That’s fine. I also have a girlfriend. But I think you’re cute, and you think I’m cute, and let’s not waste all this cuteness and attraction just because we both have girlfriends. I’m sorry, did that come off a little harsh? It wasn’t supposed to. It’s just what a conversation might sound like in a world where monogamy wasn’t the norm. Contrary to popular belief, monogamy and fidelity are not one in the same....

LAUREN: You guys, I’m a real lesbian! I think U-Haul jokes are trite but true, I can’t help but make cooing sounds at babies and small animals, I love Tegan and Sara like whoa, and oh, right, I like girls. I’m just like any other lesbian — but I don’t believe in monogamy.

KATRINA: A lot of people right now are beginning to see a shift in the definition of what it means to be in a relationship, and that definition is no longer contingent upon monogamy. The concept of polyamory is nothing new, of course, but the concept of serious, loving, and functioning relationships that are also sexually open sometimes seems to be.

LAUREN: Because let’s face it, most of us can’t really seem to get down with the idea of a true, real, loving, and open relationship. I’ve been there! I used to be one of those preachers too: monogamy and self-control and don’t you ever think about cheating....

KATRINA: I get it, the idea of straying from monogamy is scary. I know that when Sara Quin first sang “I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray,” all of our lesbian hearts stopped as we resigned ourselves to believing that if Sara Quin didn’t believe in monogamy or happily ever after, then none of us ever had a chance at falling in love again. Ever!

It’s no surprise that we feel this way. “Monogamy” is most relationship’s #1 Rule. Straying from that is like falling down a slippery societal slope which eventually leads to women getting the right to vote and gays wanting to get married....

We are inclined to cling to monogamy as the defining factor of ‘serious relationships’ because society values it above all else. It’s more important than trust, honesty, stability, reliability, or emotional availability....

LAUREN: My new outlook on relationships has been vague and life-changing, kinda like when I came out to myself as a non-hetero. ‘Monogamous’ is yet another mold I don’t fit into, and its one that I’ve been trained to see as wrong, immoral and just plain “unnatural.” And if you do do it, you’ve gotta be a gay man, because they’re the only ones who can get away with it.

KATRINA: ...Much like coming out to yourself as queer (I hear a lot of us around here have done that), coming out as non-monogamous isn’t just about sexual freedom, it’s about sexual honesty.

It’s important to us not just as queer women, but as WOMEN. Men have monopolized the idea of multiple sexual partnership for all of time: from the pre-feminist acceptance of men having mistresses to how lesbians have been repeatedly left out of same-sex couples’ polyamorous movement. We’re mired in ideas like “men want to fuck, women don’t.” “Boys will be boys.” But it’s not fair to ignore this desire in women.

Sex does matter to us. It’s not an obligation and it’s not for procreation, and we do it for love, yeah, but we do it for fun too. ‘Cause it feels good, ’cause we wanna, and ’cause we can....

LAUREN: If you don’t fit into the box, it’s okay to let yourself out of it. And it’s okay to stay in the ‘box’ if that’s what makes you happy. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with monogamy; just that we’ve observed that the pressure put upon it makes room for some nasty things, like being overly possessive and jealousy.

...LAUREN: I actually ended up in an open relationship on accident. Me and my partner let an elephant out of the room when we finally had a conversation about how we both found the same girl attractive, and admitting this out loud to each other brought us closer, actually, rather than jealousy pulling us apart.

Things opened up. We saw each other as people with independent sexualities instead of just each other’s girlfriends. Of course it was more comfortable to tell myself that she only wanted me, forever & ever, and that we’d live happily ever after, but that would be lying to myself about what I really wanted and about who she really is.

KATRINA: ...Exploring polyamory for me is almost like exploring a new kind of queerness....

We shouldn’t expect to get non-monogamy right the first time we try to understand or execute it. We still might not get it the second time, or even the third. But maybe it’s not because monogamy is the only way that works, but because there are an infinite amount of ways for relationships to succeed or fail or rework themselves before it’s right.

...This is the generation in which it’s becoming possible to grow up gay. To be able to come out and live without alias or excuse. Maybe our sexual revolution is a revolution of exposure and presence. And although the ultimate goal that some chase is normalcy, we are in a period now where being out means that sex and sexuality are intrinsically tied to your identity, whether that’s the way you perceive it or the way others perceive you. Being gay forced us to honestly consider the possibilities of our sexualities; being non-monogamous forces us to honestly consider the possibilities of our sexualities as they relate to others and re-evaluate the forces that make our partnerships special and honest above all else....

Read the whole article (Aug. 24, 2010).

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Katherine Linton on lesbian poly

AfterEllen.com

AfterEllen.com ("news, reviews and commentary on lesbian and bisexual women in entertainment and the media") has an interview with filmmaker Katherine Linton that includes an interesting observation on poly, or the lack of it, in the lesbian community:

AE: ...in the '90s in San Francisco there was this big explosion in terms of being very open and adventurous about lesbian sexuality.... Do you feel like that kind of openness to polyamory, all of the BDSM stuff — do you think that that has expanded to more mainstream lesbian sexuality?

KL: ...Polyamory, I think, is much bigger in the straight community. It was actually a very small portion that I could find that was lesbian. Like there's no lesbian-only polyamory conferences, I don't think. That would be a really dramatic conference, could you imagine?

AE: Yeah, I would stay away from it!

KL: Yeah — talk about dyke drama. Whoa. The thing with polyamory is [that] I have to go into it saying, "This works for them" and "I take you at your word," because of course, it's your life. But Meredith and I watched it, and she goes, "Hell no! If my girlfriend comes home and she wants this, hell no!" And was like, "I'm with you, sister." It's bad enough with one woman.

Read the whole interview.

For different opinions, of course, see the books Lesbian Polyfidelity by Celeste West (Booklegger Press, 1995) and The Lesbian Polyamory Reader by Marcia Munson (Haworth Press, 1999).

Women In Love

Movie directed by Karen Everett (Outcast Films, 2005)

This 1-hour documentary, showing in indie venues, has become available on DVD. It explores love and polyamory in the director's San Francisco lesbian world. She writes (on the movie's website):

In the spring of 2000, a few months before my fortieth birthday, I found myself falling in love for the sixth time in my life. My lover Erin and I took a vacation to Chile at the height of our honeymoon phase. Sipping tea in a Santiago cafe and try to swallow how ridiculously happy I felt, I decide I wanted to make a documentary about love.

Seeking a broader canvas than simply my relationship with Erin, I asked my circle of friends to be part of a film about us navigating our love lives....

A few months into our relationship, Erin began dating another woman. For us, monogamy seemed tied up in possessive, fear-based behavior, and ultimately, it was a setup for failure. Erin and I realized we were both capable of loving more than one person at a time.... I filmed us going to an "ethical slut" class, a polyamory conference, and Bay Area poly support groups. I filmed intense conversations with my skeptical friends about how to sustain long-term relationships. I also filmed the dynamics between me and Erin as we processed both the jealousy and passion inspired by other lovers....

On the Polyamorous NYC site, a member wrote:

Fraught with all of the trials and tribulations of trying to make a multi-person relationship work while you all suffer through your communication-skill learning curves (sound familiar, anyone?), Women In Love shows the journey of director Karen Everett and her several lesbian lovers trying to make poly work.

Here's a review by Chias, webmaster of Polyamorous Percolations.

The DVD is now available to buy. Watch the trailer.

(If seeking to rent to video, don't confuse it with the 1969 movie adaptation of D. H. Lawrence's classic novel Women in Love.)

P.S.: The first season of "Big Love," the HBO polygamy drama, has also just become available on DVD.