Mainstream poly, anti-capitalist poly, the Harvard Law Review, and the good stuff your relatives are reading from Ask Amy right now

●  The ability to consider new information and change your view in light of actual facts and evidence is a key sign of personal integrity.

"Ask Amy" — the advice columnist Amy Dickinson, who is published in up to 200 newspapers — lays out her changed stance on polyamory in this column that your parents and sibs may be reading right now: Ask Amy: Our son and his wife just told us they’re polyamorous (week of March 7).

Thank you to the many of you who have written to Amy over the years and helped lead her to change her mind.

Dear Amy: Our son and daughter-in-law, married for about six years, recently dropped a bomb on my husband and me.

They told us they are involved in polyamorous relationships where each has another partner, lover or person they each spend a lot of time with outside of the marriage.

They tell us that this lifestyle is becoming more common. They are in their mid-30s, and don’t have children.

We are having a hard time understanding this choice and accepting what this will mean for our relationship going forward, and for our larger family. We are the only family members they have shared this information with so far, and we are sworn to secrecy.

They may have eased their consciences by telling us, but now we are left with troubling and unsettling information and no place to go with it. We assured them that we will never stop loving them, but this is awkward for us.

What can we do to ease our troubled minds?

— Bewildered Parents

Amy Dickinson

Bewildered: ...You may define marriage as monogamy until divorce or death, but as people explore their freedom to redefine the boundaries of what it means to be married, they may choose “ethical non-monogamy,” which is where they remain lovingly married, but are free to engage in other romantic relationships in a way that they believe is open and honest. They don't define this as infidelity. It is about consensual relationships.

In my opinion, the important question is how these polyamorous relationships will affect children growing up in families with three or four adults who all identify as parents and partners. If all the adults are stable, loving, and committed to the children, then I imagine the kids will be fine.

Take a breath, do some reading about polyamory, and understand that you define marriage one way, while they define it differently.

Unless you and they are religious, this doesn't make it “wrong.” It just makes it “what is.”

This is their life and their choice, and if they want to remove the taboo surrounding polyamory, you should discourage them from defining this as a deep, dark family secret.

They (not you) can explain themselves to other family members when the time comes, and yes — it's bound to be awkward … until it isn't.

● Amy is clear enough there to prompt a reaction from the distinguished president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, Albert Mohler: 'Trust the Bible, Not Amy,' Mohler Says (Christian Headlines, March 9).

Well, do you trust the Bible? Or know someone who does? Please take it out and turn to Exodus 21:10. Here Jehovah Himself instructs men who take an additional wife to continue to support and fill the sexual needs of the first wife:

"If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights."  The word that's discreetly translated as "marital" (or "conjugal") in most English versions of the Bible explicitly means "sexual": In the original Hebrew the word is וְעֹנָתָ֖הּ (wə·‘ō·nā·ṯāh), sexual. Here's some rabbinic commentary.

● A rather different major advice columnist, Dan Savage, fields two poly questions this week: about jealousy feelings that won't fade and coming out to family too early: Polyamorous paradise (in many alternative newsweeklies, first week of March). Here's the first of the two:

Joe Newton

...When we started dating, she said she needed us to be poly and I agreed. It was a first for both of us! I'd always been interested—my parents are queer and have been poly my whole life—so it wasn't a new concept to me. Early on, we went on some random dates, made out with some other people, but took it slow because we wanted to build a foundation of trust and love first. Now we're there.

She recently started dating a close friend of ours. In theory, I'm good with it. I adore him and he cares about us as a couple. There's lots of communication happening in all directions. We've even tossed around the idea of some threesomes or foursomes. I can't wait for the day when I am truly stoked for this, and we can all play and love on each other. But I don't want to “overcome the jealousy” or “deal with it.” I want being poly to be something that makes life amazing! But I am still being restricted by silly feelings put in my head via some nefarious patriarchal capitalist hack. Any advice for moving on as quickly as possible into a polyamorous paradise? I want to feel queerer and a little less mainstream!

—Seeking Polyamorous Effortless Wonders

No relationship—closed, open, or poly—is a paradise. Ideally a relationship brings more joy into your life than pain. ... But misunderstandings, disagreements, and hurt feelings are a part of every romantic partnership. And the longer that partnership goes on, the likelier the people in it—couple, throuple, or quad—are going to face the kind of relationship-extinction-level event that requires contrition, forgiveness, and aggressive memory-holing to survive.

As for jealousy… My husband has been with his boyfriend for five years; there are times when I see them together and I am not just happy for them, SPEW, but made happy by them. (I’m straining to avoid the term “compersion” here, or “the other c-word,” as it’s known at our house.) But there are times when I feel jealous… and if I’m still experiencing jealousy after 20+ years in an open relationship… and still experiencing jealousy after 30+ years being pretty fucking queer… I don’t think jealousy is something you need to completely overcome before opening your relationship or that that being “queerer” cures.

And it’s important to distinguish between different kinds of jealousy. There’s the healthy kind of jealousy (someone is being neglected or taken for granted, and their feelings need to be considered), there’s the unhealthy kind of jealousy (someone is controlling and manipulative, which is a red flag for abuse), and then there’s the sexy and energizing kind of jealousy (seeing your partner through another’s eyes and recognizing—or being reminded—of your partner’s desirability).

... You need to ask yourself what kind of jealousy you’re feeling at a particular moment. If it’s the healthy kind, ask for you what you need; if it’s the unhealthy kind, get your ass into therapy; if it’s the sexy and energizing kind, enjoy the ride.

And finally… It’s good that you’re taking your time, because rushing things is a good way to fuck this up. But paradoxically, if you wait until you’re no longer experiencing any jealousy—or no longer have conflicted feelings about this—you’ll never get there.

Read on.

●  In a different vein, Challenging Monogamy Is a Political Act. The institution has its roots in capitalism and colonialism. (Feb. 17) It's in Novara Media, "addressing the issues that are set to define the 21st century, from a crisis of capitalism to racism and climate change." It features the indigenous American activist and scholar Kim TallBear.

By Sophie K Rosa

Even among “people who consider themselves progressive […] there’s a deep resistance” to non-monogamy, says Kim TallBear, a professor at the University of Alberta, who specialises in decolonial sexualities. ...

On the left, critiques of non-monogamy and polyamory are often framed in neoliberal terms. Choosing to have sex with multiple people, or to sustain multiple romantic relationships, some argue, mirrors individualistic, free-market ideology. But according to polyamorous educator Leanne Yau, versions of both non-monogamy and monogamy can be criticised as “relationship capitalism”.

...Yau takes issue with the stereotype that non-monogamous people have shallower relationships, or that they tend to instrumentalise people. “You can commit to multiple people and accept them flaws and all,” she says. “While there are people who commodify others in non-monogamy, that also happens in monogamy.” 

Non-monogamy can be a deeply political project. 

It can be a privilege to dismiss non-monogamy as a flimsy or apolitical idea, argues TallBear. Queer people, for instance, she says, “don’t really get away with feeling like it’s irrelevant” because they don’t fit into heterosexual dictates to begin with. Race also plays a part in this. “I think many white people, especially, don’t have a sense that [non-monogamy can be] a deeply political project” for some people of colour, she says, beyond the idea that it is “vaguely pushing back against religious norms or restrictions.” 

Even among leftists, it goes widely unacknowledged that monogamy not only has its roots in capitalism, but that it was violently enforced upon colonised peoples, says TallBear. Monogamous and non-monogamous people alike often “have no sense of the way that [monogamous settler] marriage and straightness was imposed on people in order to build the nation-state.” 

Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, author of The Sex Lives of African Women, explains that in Ghana, for example, British colonisers framed multiplicitous relationship structures – any alternative relational forms – as immoral, while institutionalised heterosexual monogamous marriage was seen as a civilised form of kinship. “A diversity of relationship types was lost, and a form of relationships that wasn’t native to us became what was regarded as the norm,” says Sekyiamah. ...

It’s not just for the white middle class. 

...Non-monogamy can be part of building queerer, more comradely and communal futures. When researching for her book, Sekyiamah found that the women she interviewed who “seemed to me to be the happiest women, the women with the best sex lives”, were those “not conforming to societal norms [but] trying to figure things out for themselves.”  

...But while challenging the dominance of compulsory monogamy is important both politically and in terms of building more conscious relationships, it doesn’t mean we have to pit different relationship styles against each other.

Yau says she rarely encounters non-monogamous people who are “anti-monogamy” – those who are, she says, are often “newbies”, insecure in their new way of being in a mononormative world. More often, she finds, when monogamy does come into criticism, it isn’t the idea itself that is being challenged, but “either the institution of monogamy – compulsory monogamy – [or] the toxic parts of monogamy: the idea that jealousy equals love and care, or that love is sacrifice, or that your partner should be able to meet all of your needs, or that your one romantic partner should be the sole focus of your entire existence […] or that the relationship escalator is how you should find meaning in your life.”  

Non-monogamous people are very rarely interested in replacing monogamy, but in imagining a society beyond compulsory monogamy. It isn’t all about romance and sex, either. ... Asexual and aromantic polyamorists have taught her a lot about this, [TallBear] says, through their capacity to “have multiple, caring, mutually sustainable” committed partnerships that might not include romantic love or sex at all. ...

In Yau’s view, intentional, “healthy monogamous relationships” are not so different from non-monogamous ones anyway. Whether or not you’re having sex with more than one person, you can sustain multiple close relationships. “In non-monogamy all you’re doing [differently],” she says, “is doing romantic or sexual things with more than one person.” ...

Sophie K Rosa is a freelance journalist. ... Her book, provisionally titled Radical Intimacy, will be published by Pluto Books in 2023.

Read the whole article.

●  The Harvard Law Review examines the future of legalized multiple-partner domestic partnerships such as those recently enacted in Somerville, Cambridge, and Arlington, Massachusetts. This article will be a key legal reference point going forward: Three’s Company, Too: The Emergence of Polyamorous Partnership Ordinances (March 10).

This Note examines potential legal challenges to multiple-partner domestic partnership ordinances. Part I describes communities that the ordinances serve, characterizes the discrimination and harassment that communities face, and explains what CNM people will gain from the passage of these ordinances. Part II surveys the complex legal questions that these ordinances generate, such as local government’s authority to pass them, state preemption through civil and criminal statutes, criminalization through anti-bigamy laws, and the application of comity doctrine in other cities and states. Part III evaluates approaches for addressing challenges that the ordinances may face at the municipal, state, and federal levels, such as legislative advocacy and litigation based on gay rights precedents. Ultimately, the ordinances likely will survive challenges and show that, legally speaking, “three is company, too.”

Although the article is called a "Note," it's 10,000 words long and has 186 footnotes. I guess that's a note by Harvard Law Review standards.

● Another basic, accurate poly/ non-monogamy 101, the sort we're seeing all over these days, appeared in Vice: A Monogamous Person's Guide to Exploring Non-Monogamy. "More and more people are turning to alternative relationship styles, but how should newbies approach it?" (Feb. 9, by Simon Doherty).

It quotes an interesting bit of insight from Janet Hardy, about opening couples: 

“There's nearly always going to be one partner who is more adventurous about outside relationships and one who is less so,” she says. “If you’re doing it right, you wind up with one person feeling just a little bit stretched and pushed, but within their tolerance, and one person who's feeling a little bit constrained, but within their tolerance.

“So if everybody is just a little bit unhappy, that's a good sign that you're doing it right. If one person is delighted and the other person is unhappy, then that's a good sign that you're doing it wrong.”

● Cosmopolitan has been riding the poly trend hard, with 64 online articles tagged "polyamory" in the last six years. The latest: 10 Polyamory Experts to Follow on TikTok (Feb. 2).

● But you still encounter Poly 101 pieces that are plain stupid and get almost every other sentence wrong. For instance, Multiple Lives: How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work? on the site of the Ashley Madison imitator VictoriaMilan, a cheaters' dating service ("Relive the passion. Find your affair. 6.2 million members can't be wrong.") It's a reminder that certain segments of the public are still being fed bullcrap and eating it. Maybe you can tell them by the shit sticking to their teeth when they talk. Be careful when dating.

● Since you asked... here's one more from the British tabs: a happy story that was picked up on this side of the pond by the scummy New York Post's site: I’m in love with a couple after matching with both separately on dating app (March 1).

Charlotte, Jamie and Laura. (Mercury Press & Media)

A UK woman says she’s fallen head over heels in love with a couple after matching with the pair separately — and now the smitten trio have formed a throuple.

“We all date each other, and it’s all equal,” Lora Corser, 28, told Caters News Agency of their polyamorous relationship...

“Initially, I matched with Jamie and Charlotte separately,” Corser said of the instant chemistry among the three soulmates, who live together in Leicester, East Midlands. “We weren’t ever supposed to all be in a relationship but Charlotte and I instantly hit it off.”

And while the lovestruck triumvirate initially intended to date separately, their relationship “grew naturally” to the point where the three are now inseparable.

“This is definitely the most communicative and safe relationship that I think I’ve ever been in,” gushed Farmer of their romantic triple header. ...

● Lastly: Randy Ralston just sent me this historical broadcast from his archives. It's almost 30 years old but sounds remarkably current: From KCAL-9 TV in Los Angeles, December 21, 1993: Open Relationships on the "Shirley" talk show.

I'll explain in a bit why this one is notable for poly-movement historians.

The show devoted all its 43 minutes to interviewing a long-term open MFM triad about their life together. A fourth partner of theirs, a woman who has a husband and other partners of her own, comes on partway through the show. The whole extended network is on great terms with one another.

The married couple met their other main partner at a "workshop in California" where they explored depths of communication, sexuality, and human relationships. The husband mentions Stan Dale, which confirms that these were Human Awareness Institute events, probably at Harbin Hot Springs, California. Stan Dale (1929-2007) founded and ran HAI, which became an early seedbed for the modern polyamory movement and its early message-spreaders, roots that are generally forgotten today (2022).

The people on the show may have 1970s-ish hairstyles, but they talk the talk of high-quality, best-practices, successful ethical polyamory as we see it 29 years later. Way back then, HAI set much of the movement's communicate-communicate-communicate ideology, its takes on jealousy and insecurity and how to deal with them and what they can mean, and some of today's common phraseology as you will recognize in the video.

They do not yet, however, use the word "polyamory," nor does the host or anyone else on the show. The word was still too new and unknown; it originated elsewhere just three years earlier. (Even Loving More magazine didn't settle on "polyamory" as the word for what it was doing until 1995, two years after this show aired.)

Thanks to Randy for pulling this out of his archives and YouTubing it.

More early history: I've collected significant poly-in-the-media items from before I started this blog in 2005: Older articles, for history's sake. That post is backdated "August 2005" to make it fit here chronologically.   

Also: Many other early items of polyamory in the media, as well as all kinds of early original documents, publications, personal papers, etc., are held in the Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory in the Kinsey Institute Library at Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana. Media items are listed in the Finding Aid to the collection; search the text of that .pdf document for "Series IV) Media Coverage".

And if you have any such material in some old file box (basically pre-2000), please donate it to the Kinsey collection before it is lost, so that scholars and researchers can access it for all time. Write to Kinsey's special collections librarian Liana Zhou, libknsy@indiana.edu. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

And stepping back for perspective:

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Some call us a threat to society. 

Our freedom to live in non-traditional relationships, and to speak up for ourselves about the facts of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives and to access facts. Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to protect the rights of all. 

People who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. They seek to stamp out people's freedom to go their own way, whether by laws, intimidation, propaganda campaigns, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received far more reads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukrainian relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. (Avoid scams.) Much more may yet be required of us.

_________________________

 Don't miss Polyamory in the News!
 SUBSCRIBE by a feed, or
 SUBSCRIBE by email
_________________________

[Permalink]

Friday Polynews Roundup – Jealousy and compersion for beginners, Black polyactivists represent on talk show, and cuddly polyfam goes very public

Welcome back to Friday Polynews Roundup, for September 11, 2020. 

It was a thin week for polyamory in the media; the various growing national crises are pushing "non-essential" topics toward the media sidelines. But three items of note: 

●  Remember the Porter polyfamily in Houston? They've been busy doing poly education and awareness work in the Black community, and they appeared last February on The Isiah Factor talk show on Houston's Fox 26 TV.

They've been involved with Black Poly Nation, have spoken at any number of community groups, and they've appeared on shows in both new and old media. Now they have a book out, and Fox 26 host Isiah Carey brought them back for a 4-minute segment, Catching up with the polyamorous Porter family (Sept. 4). Watch here:

The host couldn't be more appreciative, though he's still incredulous. See more about the book at their website, ThePortahFamily.com. Here's their well-stocked YouTube channel.  Facebook page. Their other media and podcast appearances. 

●  More in the Department of What Poly Practices Can Offer Everyone, this time in The Greatist: Compersion Is the Opposite of Jealousy, and We All Should Learn It (Sept. 10)

By Melissa Fabello

When people learn that I practice nonmonogamy, one of the first questions that they ask me is “How do you handle jealousy?”

To which, I respond, “How do you?”

...Jealousy shows up in all kinds of relationships, and when it makes us intensely uncomfortable, we find ourselves doing anything to avoid feeling it.

It’s no wonder so many people feel confident saying “I could never do nonmonogamy; it would make me too jealous.” While choosing one relationship structure over another is a valid personal choice, that reasoning is misguided.

By that logic, I would never try anything new, for fear of embarrassment. I would never watch a tearjerker, for fear of sadness. I would never go on a rollercoaster, for fear of, well, fear. How many amazing things would we refuse to do, if we were equally avoidant of other uncomfortable feelings?

So what is it about jealousy that makes us so uniquely uncomfortable?

In talking with thousands of people about their experiences with jealousy, in my work as a sex and relationships educator, it appears that where people get stuck is in feeling like jealousy is an unacceptable emotion. ...

But... what if we let jealousy be like every other emotion that we feel — an indicator that our nervous system is asking us to pay attention to something?

Let’s start here: Jealousy is a perfectly healthy emotion

...Jealousy alerts you that a situation doesn’t feel good to you — and asks you to sort out how to regain a sense of safety and security. So why would you want to get rid of it? That sounds like an adaptive emotional response to me! ...

Like with any emotion, the key is being careful of what you do with it. ...

(Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook
isn't mentioned in the article, but
it's very recommendable here. –Alan)

So how do we start changing our response to jealousy?

...When I was a community educator for a local domestic violence agency, I co-taught workshops on healthy relationships for middle and high school students. And in that work, we would make a distinction between jealousy and extreme jealousy, where the latter indicates a response that sets out to control other people. ...

When does jealousy cross the line into possessiveness? ...

How compersion can help relieve the discomfort of jealousy. ...

Compersion is the positive vicarious feeling of seeing someone you love have their needs met.

...Seeing your partner happy doesn’t always feel like jealousy or disappointment or rage. Most of the time, it feels like compersion.

Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy, and it’s an experience we talk about a lot in nonmonogamy. ... Jealousy, at the end of the day, is your nervous system alerting you to a threat to your safety. ... You can change how you approach that feeling. Instead of “How can I remove the threat from my partner’s life, and therefore mine?” ask “What is this telling me? What do I need to feel safe again?” ...

●  And you knew this was coming. This week's polyfamily heart-melter in the British tabloids is about the @PolyamCatfam, the adorkable young MNbF triad you'd dream of going on a picnic with. It's in the Daily Mail September 7: Couple who invited an old school friend to form a throuple claim it's EASIER than a normal relationship because you're not putting pressure on just one person to fulfil your needs.

Excerpts, and a few of the pix:

 Brandon, Eli and Amber

Music teacher Amber Parker, 24, and boyfriend Brandon Meadows, 23, from Muskegon, Michigan, first met on dating app Tinder in January 2017 and their initial attraction soon blossomed into an official relationship. Amber and Brandon were strictly monogamous at first, but discussed the possibility of opening their relationship up to a third person.

It wasn't until New Year's Eve 2018 when they met one of Brandon's old school friends, Eli Schalk, 21, at a party, that they realised that Eli, who is non-binary, could be the perfect person to add to their relationship. 

...'We had a good time playing board games and talking with friends, and the next day or so, we all mentioned to each other that we thought each other were attractive, and that we wanted to talk and see each other more.'

The three continued to hang out together and bonded over interests they had in common, such as art. 

...When they first formed a triad, Amber admits that there was some jealousy, but with honest and open communication all issues were resolved. 

'In the beginning of our relationship, there were frequent moments of possessive and jealous feelings, but we would talk through them every time they arose and got to the root of each issue.

'Since we were open to communication from the beginning, those moments don't happen much anymore, if at all.

'The hardest part to me is dealing with the fear of judgement and assumptions from others, but that fear has almost dissipated as well.

'We have learned many things from each other and the triad experience as a whole. Eli has taught me more about incorporating science and spirituality into my daily life. Brandon has shown me growth and structure, and both have shown me what is possible when humans genuinely care for each other and themselves simultaneously.

...'The assumption that multiple partners must be a result of cheating or manipulation is just as silly as the assumption that monogamy is always a result of possessiveness and jealousy.

'We all just want to love and everyone loves differently. Any support and happiness we can get on this planet should be encouraged and celebrated.'

...'Some people have asked about our sex life as soon as they find out we aren't monogamous.... Then some feel the need to tell us if they would sleep with a man, with a transgender person or with two people, when we really never asked for that information.'

...Amber said: 'Polyamory helps us meet our romantic wants and needs in a way that doesn't put unrealistic expectations on one given person. 

'Instead of wishing one person would be more cuddly, I can have cuddle time with both of them.

'Instead of wishing I was into a certain show or book, they could talk about their shared interests with each other.

'There is a lot more to it, but in essence there is more love, communication and perspective in our relationship than previous monogamous relationships we have been in.'

--------------------------------------------        

For the most part, the reaction to their relationship is incredibly positive and those close to them are supportive.

Amber, Eli and Brandon plan to buy a house together one day, adopt children, and would like to see the day when marriage between three people is legal. ... 'We want to grow old together and support each other through life.'

...They document their lives as a throuple on their Instagram account @polyamcatfam, which also features their much-loved pets. 

The cats outnumber them 5 - 3.

That's it for Friday Polynews Roundup till next week, unless something big comes up sooner. Which it may (hint hint), from Cambridge, Mass.

_________________________

 Don't miss Polyamory in the News!
 SUBSCRIBE by a feed, or
 SUBSCRIBE by email

_________________________

[Permalink]

Friday Polynews Roundup — The dam bursts for poly on TV, what we offer everyone, when to stay away, and planted seeds are sprouting

It's Friday Polynews Roundup — for February 14, 2020.

Happy Val's Day. So many poly-in-the-media items poured in this week that I can't keep up. Therefore I'm holding everything that even contains the word "Valentine" for later. Even so, settle in for a long read (or a long skim).

● The dam bursts for poly on TV.  Way back in 2006, Reid Mihalko came within an inch, he said, of selling HBO on a dramedy series to be called "Polly and Marie" (say it fast). A short pilot was made, but HBO backed off for fear of advertisers' fears. "There's a lot of interest in getting this [topic] on TV," Reid told an audience at the 2009 Poly Living conference, "but nobody is quite biting, because nobody knows if the advertisers will want it. It's kind of happening, but you don't see it yet, because it's not on the air yet."

And so it went for several more years. The TV industry was well aware of the dramatic potential of modern, egalitarian polyamorous bonding, and its ability to grab viewers' attention, but they didn't quite dare. The first forays were carefully distanced from mainstream America by setting them in Mormon polygamy: first fictionally ("Big Love," starting in 2006), then in real life ("Sister Wives," 2010).

Now the dam is finally bursting, as regular readers here know; see my recent posts tagged TV (they include this post; scroll down).

The latest example aired night before last (Feb. 12), and within hours People magazine was on top of it: HGTV Features Its First-Ever Throuple on House Hunters: 'Representation Matters' (Feb. 13):

Geli, Lori and Bryan

By Gabrielle Chung

With 17 seasons under its belt, House Hunters made HGTV history on Wednesday when it featured its first throuple — three people in a polyamorous romantic relationship — on one of its episodes.

Titled “Three’s Not a Crowd in Colorado Springs,” the episode followed Brian, Lori and Geli on a quest to find their dream house in Colorado.

The trio wanted to find a new home that will accommodate their unique dynamic as well as provide space for Brian and Lori’s two children.

As with any episode of House Hunters, the family came armed with a list of must-haves for their new residence, including a three-car garage and a master bathroom that will accommodate three people.

At one point in the episode, Lori remarked about the lack of space in one house they were touring, saying, “This is a couple’s kitchen, not a throuple’s kitchen.”

...The episode ended with the family choosing a house above their budget as they all loved its view of the surrounding mountain.

However, viewers had a lot more to say about their relationship than their new home. Many House Hunter fans praised HGTV on social media for being so “progressive” and “educational” about the relationship dynamics of a throuple.

“Oh my god. A throuple on House Hunters,” Bad Feminist author Roxane Gay tweeted. “Great episode!!!! Educational.”

“HGTV really might be the most progressive show on TV. About to watch a polyamory couple fight over a house!” one Twitter user wrote. “Honestly I feel like I learned a lot #HouseHunters”

“literally perfect television,” a third tweeted, while another user applauded HGTV for “STORMING into 2020.”

Fans also came to Brian, Lori and Geli’s defense following the broadcast.

“Wow, shocked that this house hunters episode not only showed a poly relationship, but they called them a throuple the whole episode and outright said the women were bisexual. Guess we gotta stan!” one wrote on Twitter.

“This throuple on house hunters… good for them 🙂” another tweeted. “representation matters.”

Update: Stories remarking on the episode — positively! — have also just appeared on USA Today, Newsweek, the queer Out Front magazine, and The Daily Wire.


● An important upcoming TV series. "Trigonometry" is an 8-episode series about a poly triad that will air on HBO Max and BBC TV later this year. The production company has just put out a 1-minute trailer. The Hollywood news site Deadline has this to say (Feb. 10):

The "Trigonometry" triad at home

 
‘Trigonometry’: First Trailer For Berlin-Bound Series From House Productions, BBC & HBO Max

...Directed by Athina Rachel Tsangari (Attenberg) and Stella Corradi (On The Edge), the show will air on BBC in the UK and HBO Max in the US. Writers are Duncan Macmillan and Effie Woods. BBC Studios is handling international distribution.

Set in crowded, expensive London, the series follows a cash-strapped couple who open their small apartment to a third person, discovering a new way to live – and love – in the process.

...House Productions’ joint CEO’s Tessa Ross and Juliette Howell told us, “We are absolutely thrilled that the first five episodes of Trigonometry will be premiering in the Berlinale Series this year. Trigonometry is a warm, funny and emotionally truthful drama about modern relationships that has been brought to life in such a beautiful way by our cast Ariane Labed, Gary Carr and Thalissa Teixeira.

“The trio take us on a modern day journey of the different faces of modern love. Duncan Macmillan and Effie Woods’ exquisite scripts have been beautifully realised by our two hugely talented and award-winning directors, Athina Rachel Tsangari (who directed episodes 1 – 5) and Stella Corradi (who directed episodes 6 – 8), to give a truly special show....”

Air dates have not been announced.


● Moving on, one subgenre of poly in the media is bubbly articles about the lessons our movement and our values offer monogamous couples. A new one of these appeared this week in Business Insider: 5 lessons on jealousy and romance that couples can learn from their friends in non-monogamous relationships (Feb. 8).

Consensual non-monogamy [now or in your past] is as common as [currently] owning a cat. (Dougal Waters / Getty) 

 
By Jessica Stillman

About one in five Americans have engaged in some sort of consensual non-monogamy, or CNM, in their lifetimes — it's about as common as owning a cat, researchers say.

The ways that CNM emphasizes communication can be instructive for singles as well as people in other kinds of relationships. The process of differentiation — or knowing who you are and how you're different from your partner — is another big factor in CNM that can help just about everyone.

...The umbrella term of "consensual non-monogamy" covers everything from the casual sex of swingers to the loving, long-term relationships of polyamorists. If it involves more than two people, sex or love, and everyone has consented, then it's CNM.

...[Says] Heath Schechinger, a UC Berkeley psychologist and co-chair of the American Psychological Association's task force on CNM. "You likely have friends and colleagues who are doing this, but you just don't know about it."

"Comparison studies looking at all of the gold standards for measuring relationship quality — relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, duration of the relationship, communication, etc. — show that consensually non-monogamous relationships perform equal or better than monogamous relationships," Schechinger said.

...CNM relationships tend to have unique habits that many folks involved in traditional monogamous pairings could benefit from.

1. They favor direct communication over standard scripts

Every expert agrees that non-monogamy is a communication-heavy lifestyle. ... The key lesson for others... is the fact that everything is on the table. Rather than blindly following traditional expectations for relationships, which experts refer to as relationship "scripts," non-monogamous couples tend to explicitly hash out and agree on how to run all aspects of their lives.

"Non-monogamy forces you to learn how to communicate openly and honestly with your partner(s) about awkward things, because otherwise it just doesn't work. There is no default script to fall back on. You have to define what you are doing for yourself," said Carrie Jenkins, a philosopher at the University of British Columbia and author of What Love Is and What It Could Be. "But the thing is, everyone should be defining what they're doing for themselves."

2. Fire needs oxygen to burn

...Constant closeness suffocates attraction, as well as your sense of individuality and freedom. Because of the variety built into their arrangements, non-monogamous couples often find it easier to "oxygenate" their relationships.

"Successful non-monogamous couples become good at having separate individual lives and interests, true to their own nature," explained psychotherapist Wayne Scott, who is himself in an open marriage. "People need to have independent interests and passions and experiences — it gives them richer lives and can even make them more interesting to their spouses." The term therapists use for this process is "differentiation."...

3. It takes a village

..."Non-monogamous relationships tend to challenge a little bit more the notion that we necessarily have to meet all of our partner's needs," Schechinger said. "Expecting one person to be our best friend, our lover, companion, our co-parent, can put a significant amount of pressure on the relationship."...

Whether or not you're up for opening your relationship, this principle holds. It's healthy to look to a broader base of friends, relatives, and community members rather than just your spouse.

4. Jealousy is a prompt for self-examination

According to a 2017 study, polyamorists actually experience less jealousy than the conventionally paired. Partly that may be because those who are less inclined to jealousy are drawn towards CNM, but the non-monogamous also tend to conceive of and process jealousy differently. ...

For many traditional couples jealousy is a problem out there. It stems from bad behavior on the part of one partner.... Those who practice non-monogamy more often speak of jealousy as an internal issue, something in here. They see jealousy as a symptom of insecurity or anxiety that should be handled by introspection to identify the cause and identify better ways to cope.

5. Thoughtful transitions beat messy breakups

With the messiness of infidelity largely off the table thanks to rules and communication, non-monogamous relationships often evolve rather than explode. The sexual spark might fizzle, for instance, but a couple will agree to move on to being co-parents and friends without recrimination or over-the-top drama.

...This process of self-discovery and negotiation isn't just for polyamorists, it's something that truly any relationship can benefit from.

● Another in the genre, from Insider: Polyamorous people are often experts at coping with relationship jealousy — here are some of their tips, by Julia Naftulin and Canela López (Feb. 6). The tips in brief:

Jason Boyd, 33, said acknowledging jealous feelings rather than ignoring them helps. ...

Audria O'Neill, a woman who used to be in a monogamous marriage, suggested talking about boundaries as early as possible....

O'Neill also suggested looking inwards to understand the root of your jealousy....

Kayla Lords said journaling helps her get in touch with her emotions and process them in a healthy way....

Lords also said active listening and a willingness to be vulnerable can help make jealousy-related conversations productive learning experiences....

Tara Skubella said getting to know her primary partner's other partner made her feel more secure and empathetic....

Lola Phoenix, a London-based writer, said it's important to set boundaries in your relationship to minimize jealousy. Set boundaries based on your needs, not societal expectations....

Krystal Baugher, a Colorado-based writer, said it's important to take care of yourself first before engaging with a partner....

Hailey Gill, 26, has practiced polyamory since high school and said communication about new partners is key between them and their husband....

In the last five years, I've spotlighted several dozen such articles on what we offer mono folks. Start with this latest roundup, which contains links to the previous five batches. And a pile more await my working up.


● Yahoo Lifestyle this week ran a fine little intro to the commonest poly structure. They picked it up from PureWow ("beauty, food, wellness, family"): What Is a Triad Relationship? (And What Are the Rules of Engagement?) (Feb. 8). It's a one-source quickie, with its quality coming from marriage and family therapist Rachel D. Miller in Chicago.

...Think of it as a subset of polyamory. But not all triads are the same. Miller tells us that triads can take various forms....

So why would people form this relationship?

That’s kind of like asking any couple why they’re together — there are myriad reasons for consensual non-monogamy: love, lust, convenience, stability, etc. “Truthfully,” Miller explains, “the reason people form them is often unique to the people involved, but what they have in common is an openness to a nontraditional way to love and be in a relationship.” Here are few of the reasons behind a triad relationship she’s heard over the years:

1. A couple felt like their union was overflowing with love, and they wanted to share that with another person.

2. Polyamory felt like an orientation rather than a choice, so a dyad was never part of their vision for a relationship.

3. A person fell in love with two different people and wanted to maintain relationships with both, and everyone involved was in agreement about the arrangement.

4. A friend of a couple became more than a friend for one or both partners, and they decided as a unit to expand the relationship to include all of them.

5. A couple wanted to add some spice to their sex life and, in doing so, discovered another person they connected with on a multitude of levels.

What are the dynamics of a triad relationship?

...Some common denominators of a healthy triad include genuine love and caring for all involved, large support systems (this can be emotional, financial, etc.) and a desire to remain open to all the types of love that present in their lives. Miller elaborates that within any poly or consensually non-monogamous relationship, the things that need to be present are ongoing consent and the power and ability to renegotiate the terms in order for all members to get what they need from the relationship.

What challenges do people in nontraditional relationships face?

...Per Miller, “Society is set up to support traditional ideas around marriage — e.g., only two people in the relationship can be protected by legal marital status.” The implications of this can can leave one member of a triad feeling less secure or that they have less power within the relationship. The fix? Like any relationship: good communication and open dialogue.

● Does mediocre, flawed media coverage ever do us any good?

Well, remember that much-criticized New York Times Sunday Magazine cover story, Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage? Its answer was "Often yes," but let's not even get into its poor representation and other stuff.

Nevertheless, on the opposite side of the continent, a student noticed it lying on a library table. It changed her life. Three years later comes her story in The Martlet, the student newspaper of the University of Victoria in British Columbia, A venture into non-monogamy (Feb. 10):

By Darian Lee

...[The NY Times Magazine lying on the table] was the first time I had heard of anything besides monogamy, and after reading the article I decided that I wanted to open up my relationship.

Darian Lee

The whole situation of asking my partner was nerve wracking. I’ve never been good with words, so I came up with a genius plan to avoid rejection and actually communicating. I’d just point out the magazine, opened to the feature, and said, “Hey, this is kinda interesting, right,” to gauge his response. He glanced at it, shrugged, and started talking about something else.

Plan A failed, so ... I just blurted out “I want to open our relationship!” and waited anxiously for a response. He said that we shouldn’t, and the disappointment crushed me. He explained it was because we weren’t good at communicating. After that, we didn’t talk much for a bit....

...I started following the “UVic Confessions & Crushes” Facebook page. A common theme in the posts was being torn between partners, and many users commented messages along the lines of “monogamy is flawed.” I decided to give it another go and propose non-monogamy to my partner again. We had grown up so much together since then and could finally communicate openly and honestly, and I actually had the words to clearly express what I wanted and why. This time, my proposal was met with enthusiasm, and I was overjoyed!

The first step was to define the terms of our relationship. We did some research and found that the idea of an “open relationship” didn’t actually line up with what I wanted. An open relationship generally refers to a relationship where you have a main partner, and are sexually non-monogamous. As a hopeless romantic, I wanted to experience all the lovey-dovey fun stuff of dating and share intimate bonds with other people. In this case, “polyamory” seemed to be the better label for our situation.

Now came the hard part: actually meeting other people. ...

Spoilers coming.

I’ve learned to combat jealousy (something I’ve always struggled with) and express how I feel in a way that I’ve never been challenged to do in the past. My partner has also grown emotionally and so far this experience has had a positive impact on our relationship, contrary to the doubt conveyed by friends. My biggest takeaway from this experience so far is that with a lot of communication and honesty, as well as getting to know oneself better, non-monogamy can really work and not damage your pre-existing relationships.

My advice is to make sure you have very open communication in the first place, and to do plenty of research regarding what you want so you can be clear-cut with how you’re feeling. I’ve met plenty of people here in Victoria who are in a variety of non-traditional relationships, so it’s not as unusual as I would have thought, and it really helped to know this to feel comfortable telling others. Hopefully, sharing my experience can have the same effect on anyone considering this.

Pass it forward.


● An open marriage sometimes manages to work in a much more traditional, old-school context. This week in the Brisbane Times and other Australian newspapers in its chain, Non-monogamy has been the real secret to our happy 37-year marriage (online Feb. 8, in the Sunday print edition Feb. 9)

By Anonymous

...Whatever John was up to, or not up to, it was ruining my life and it hit me that I didn’t have to let it. I couldn’t change him, but I could change myself.

...In her new book, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship, sex and relationship therapist Susan Wenzel argues that it is possible to have a happy, open marriage, provided you develop trust and communication skills, set healthy boundaries and overcome jealousy.

...None of this was in my mind on my wedding morning in 1982. ...

● Confusion when different people may think the word means different things. The Dear Abby advice column appearing in newspapers this week fields a parent's question: Was teen daughter’s response to boy’s sexuality ‘shaming’? But did the boy, the girl, the mom, or Dear Abby know what each other were talking about?

DEAR ABBY: I’ve got a new one for you. My beautiful 16-year-old daughter was interested in a boy her age from school. He was interested in her, too. He told her he wanted to date her, but that he is “polyamorous” and would be dating many girls simultaneously. She told him he’s too young to know what he is yet, and he was just using it as an excuse to date multiple girls, and she wasn’t interested.

...He has been acting very hurt, pouty and angry. He told a mutual friend he is “deeply hurt” [that] he came out to my daughter and that she won’t accept him as he is. I’m worried this will escalate, and he will claim that she shamed him for this.

Abby, I am all about supporting how people self-identify, but this is absolutely ridiculous....

— NOT FUNNY IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT FUNNY: That boy is sulking because his pitch didn’t sell. Polyamory is the practice of openly engaging in multiple intimate relationships with the consent of ALL the people involved. What that boy may have meant was he enjoys “playing the field.” Your daughter didn’t discriminate; she showed good common sense. ...

● There's still no good dating app for non-monogamous people, says Mashable in substantial and useful detail (Feb. 6). If you're on the dating market, read this.


● Sometimes the obvious needs to be restated and explained in detail. Here's Elisabeth Sheff's When Consensual Non-Monogamy Won't Work for Monogamous Folks. "3 things that make CNM unrealistic or excruciating for monogamous people" (Feb. 11).

Because public awareness of CNM is expanding in the US and abroad, people who never considered it before are suddenly becoming aware of the polyamorous possibility. For some, this opens exciting new relational vistas of multiple partner bliss. But for others, especially deeply monogamous people, this boom in the practice and awareness of CNM is uncomfortable at best and tragic at worst.

Both my research findings and my relationship coaching practice have demonstrated repeatedly that non-monogamy is not a good fit for everyone. CNM is, however, the right thing for a significant minority of the population. Research indicates that at least 20% (estimates range from a low of 21.2% to a high of 32%) of people have some lifetime experience with consensual nonmonogamy, and 4 to 5% are currently in CNM relationships. That means CNM is far more widespread than previously thought, and people in the US are thinking and talking about it a lot more than they used to. This... can feel like pressure to the other approximately 80% who practice monogamy (usually serial monogamy), cheat, or remain single.

Flickr

There are at least three factors that make CNM completely unworkable for some people....

Don’t Want CNM....

Don’t Like to Share....

Monogamous by Orientation....

...People have deep and unchanging sexual and relational characteristics. Everyone’s ability to express their innate sex/relationship characteristics is shaped by society with differing degrees of approval and stigma. Changing these deep personality structures is difficult to impossible, as the discrediting of gay conversion therapy demonstrates. ...

● At the University of Chicago, as reported in the Chicago Maroon, Visiting Professor Criticizes "Compulsory Monogamy" as a Creation of the "Settler-Colonial System" (Feb. 12).

By Chloe Brettmann

On Monday [Feb. 10], University of Alberta Associate Professor of Native Studies Kim TallBear spoke as part of an event organized by the Chicago Center for Contemporary Theory. Her lecture, “Settler Love Is Breaking My Heart,” explored the constructs and structures of “compulsory monogamy” as a tool for the colonization of indigenous peoples, and how “more than monogamous” relationships are a tool for decolonization and restitution of indigenous ways of life. ...

Briefly:

● #PolyBlackHistory Month continues. See what's going on at the hashtag, and maybe contribute!

● Emma Carnes at the University of North Texas is preparing a thesis on polyamory and the law. "I am examining the relationships between polyamorous people and their attorneys (CNM-friendly or otherwise), what legal barriers exist for poly people, what legal changes would enhance their lives, and how this differs based on lines of gender/class/race/ethnicity." She needs to interview more people about their experiences. "All data will be de-identified to protect the identity of participants. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions." Email EmmaCarnes@my.unt.edu .

Whew! All that in less than a week.

Till next time...

[Permalink]

Wash Post: "I live with my husband and our boyfriend. Here’s how we make it work."

The gay poly writer Jeff Leavell has finally made the MSM with a piece on the website of the Washington Post. He's not shy about his struggles with jealousy.

Poly is much easier if you're naturally a low-jealousy person, but this is not required.

I live with my husband and our boyfriend. Here’s how we make it work.

iStock

By Jeff Leavell

Among those of us who are polyamorous — meaning that we carry on committed relationships with multiple people — there is a lot of talk about jealousy. It’s regarded as an emotion for the weak and unenlightened. [No it's not.]

I must be seriously unenlightened then, because I am a jealous, territorial, alpha-kind of man. My husband, Alex, and I have been together for five years. Our boyfriend, Jon, has lived with us for the past two.

For the most part we are happy. Like any relationship, we have our ups and our downs. Some days we are madly in love, other days we’d rather be left alone to watch TV, pay the bills and go about the normalcy of life.

...[However,] I still get that kind of heart-pounding and burning sensation all over my body whenever I picture either of my men with someone else. I want to stalk their lovers on Facebook. I want to follow Alex and Jon when they leave the house. Go through their phones. If I let myself, I can go a little crazy with jealousy.

The three of us met on a gay dating app, Scruff.... Jon kept coming back. For pizza and movies, sleepovers, hikes. We took a trip to Vancouver together. The three of us had our first four-way. We said “I love you.” We introduced Jon to our family members and friends as our boyfriend.

Watching Alex fall in love with Jon was a kind of strange torture. It was also beautiful. Learning to balance the torture with the beauty was a struggle.

...I have always loved the idea of monogamy — that one man would love me and only me; would want me and only me; would sacrifice everything for me, if it came to that. I loved the idea of someone being monogamous to me, I just wasn’t able to return the favor.

So opening our relationship up to include more lovers allowed Alex and me to have our own private adventures. It was also like taking a crash course in how to handle jealousy. The first time I told Alex about another guy I was dating, our relationship almost ended. When Alex told me about a new guy he had met in Seattle, I thought my world would fall apart.

Of course, my world didn’t fall apart. Instead, I had to confront my feelings. I didn’t have to confront Alex or Jon, but myself. I had to spend time alone with my fears and insecurities. Because that is all jealousy is: fear. Of being abandoned. Of not being enough. Of being alone.

And the truth is, all the things we fear might happen.... Relationships fall apart all the time.

At least Jon and Alex and I are honest with one another. I get to share my fears and my joys with them. I get to be there for them as they do the same. And I fall more in love with them as we do this.

Read the whole article (Oct. 11, 2016). It was originally titled "I'm polyamorous. Yes, I get jealous. But it's worth it."


● Jeff had another recent piece at Vice: My Advice for People Considering Polyamory (Sept. 8):

Jeff Leavell and his partners

...Basically, we tried to treat a relationship developing between three people like it was developing between two, with Alex and I as one party and Jon as the other. This, of course, is untenable. Equality is essential to making relationships work. [Make that equality of respect, dignity, and agency, say I; not necessarily time, sex, income sharing, and most everything else. No two relationships are ever the same. –Ed.]  If we were really going to do this new thing with Jon, Alex and I would have to change how our own relationship operated. But I had no role models to teach me how to do this thing — a problem I hope to address in writing about our relationship publicly.

People reach out to me all the time with questions about open and polyamorous relationships based on pieces I've written. A disproportionate number of them revolve around jealousy and insecurity: How do you avoid becoming jealous if your partner is sleeping with other men?

I've found that if I ever feel jealousy, the root of that emotion almost always comes from not feeling good enough for Jon or Alex. Jealousy always equals insecurity for me.

...But at the end of the day, it's how we react to that jealousy that matters. I constantly have to remind myself to shift the focus of my thoughts back to me: What am I really afraid of? Why do I not believe I am deserving of all this love?

-----------------------------

People often ask me how we handled "coming out" as a polyamorous couple to our family and friends. ... Today, my advice is to use caution and not open yourself up too quickly to the scrutiny and judgment of those who love you. While they may seem normal when you're part of them, polyamorous relationships are far outside the norm, and it's hard to expect everyone to just accept what we know: that love is vast, and that there are many ways to experience and express it. Polyamory scares people. For some, it challenges everything they believe to be true about love....

● And here are two previous Vice pieces by Jeff: How I Told My Husband and Boyfriend I'm Dating Another Man (July 19, 2016), and How I Figured Out the Rules of My Three-Way Relationship (July 22, 2015).

[Permalink]