The Guardian/Observer: "A new way to love: in praise of polyamory"

And now the third in the trifecta of UK big-media attention to poly in the last couple days (see last two posts). Elf Lyons, an up-and-coming comedian and performer (photo below), declares bold and proud for poly as an ideal feminist way of life. She writes the cover story of today's Observer Magazine in the Observer, the Sunday sister paper of The Guardian.

A new way to love: in praise of polyamory

"It opens the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe way"

(Those awkward people with her are models, not partners.)

By Elf Lyons

I have never enjoyed typical monogamy. It makes me think of dowries and possessive prairie voles who mate for life, and historically all monogamous relationship models have owned women in some way, with marriage there for financial purposes and the ownership of property.

For the last few years I’ve defined myself as a polyamorist. ... It’s a philosophy. Rather than the active pursuing of multiple partners in a lascivious way, it’s the embracing and understanding that it’s possible to fall in love, and have relationships, with more than one person at the same time.

Alongside developing CEO-worthy skills in multitasking, polyamory is the most empowering way of loving that I have encountered. It gives women more autonomy than other relationship models ever have. Although monogamous relationship models work for many, they’re not the only way to have relationships in society. In non-monogamous relationships, success relies on everything being on the table from the start. I believe that it could be the huge relationship revolution that the feminist movement needs. ... It opens up the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe and transparent way.

"The giraffe-limbed clown and raconteur"

in costume for her performance "Swan"

...If I had known as a teenager it was possible to love more than one person, it would have saved so much anxiety, guilt and time spent writing awful poetry. ...

I discovered polyamory when I was 23. I met a parliament of poly performers at the Adelaide Festival who were hippyish, liberal and kind. These performers spoke about their partners, children, poly-families. There were ex-couples who were working together on shows while their other poly families toured elsewhere, married couples who had live-in partners, triumvirates where they all balanced an equal partnership. I was entranced by their openness. It seemed symbolic of our changing global world, and most peoples developing nomadic lifestyles where we travel for work and find love with others on the way.

...And the reality? Non-monogamy is rather ordinary and occasionally dull. Stereotypes of weird Eyes Wide Shut sex parties and Sartre/de Beauvoir/Olga ménages à trois aside, it’s like any normal relationship, except with more time-management, more conversations about “feelings” and more awkward encounters with acquaintances at parties who try to use you as their “Sexual Awakening Friend Bicycle”, i.e. that shy girl from book club will get drunk and put her hand on your leg, before leaning in to kiss you, hiccuping: “I really loved Orange Is the New Black.”

There are misconceptions – a date once grabbed me for a kiss unexpectedly despite the fact I had made it clear I was in no way interested (my words were exactly: “This is not going to work. We have entirely different opinions on the EU and you have just told me I am ‘very funny for a woman’.”) When I pushed him away he was shocked. He believed because I was “sexually awakened” he could do what he liked. Luckily my experiences have meant that I am more vocal and confident, and able to stand up for myself. ...

People often ask: “How can you truly love someone if you want to be with someone else?” and “Don’t you get jealous?” I think these statements enforce unhealthy relationship ideals. ...When you take a step back, drop your ego and realise you’re one unique component of someone’s life, it’s liberating and freeing. Jealousy ebbs away and you realise that, of course, they may find another person attractive, because we’re all different pieces of a puzzle. This has made me more comfortable about myself — I am not holding myself up to standards about traditional female beauty, because I can experience it in a hundred different ways.

...When I started getting to know people in the poly community it was as liberating as taking off an underwired bra. I have had partners of both genders. I didn’t have to “choose”: the people I met understood that it was possible to give infinite, equal love to both sexes. My confidence soared. I wasn’t hiding. Men and women had equal place in my life. I no longer felt like a pendulum, swinging from one to another. This refreshing awakening did result in many awkward conversations with my mum and dad though....

...Although I love sex, because of past unpleasant experiences I’m also mildly afraid of it. So when I started experimenting with non-monogamy the idea of being intimate emotionally as well as physically with more than one person was a challenge. But, the choice gave me a power and ownership over my wants which I felt I had lost and been made to feel ashamed about. I’m not saying I jumped in the sack with everyone I met. God no. I’m too busy. But through being less judgemental on myself, I relaxed, opened up to the people I trusted and started loving myself again. It forces you to be really honest, to live life with an undefended heart.

...In a time of censorship on women, increases in assault and constant critiques on how we should behave, polyamory and its manifesto of embracing our evolving feelings, sharing responsibility and communicating and working effectively with people from all around the world could help revolutionise the way we tackle privilege, inequality and control of women’s rights.

I have an authority and a voice that I didn’t feel I had before. My friendships are better, my health is better. Through being polyamorous and being a part of the community I have been made aware of issues, both personal and political, that need to be uncovered and addressed.

The world would be a better place if everybody was more open to polyamory. As well as that traditional idea, that it takes a village to raise a child, it would mean we’d all love more, and love better. Loving different people at the same time is like learning a different language. There are different rules every time and it’s always open for discussion. ... Every time you say “I love you” to someone it takes on a new meaning. It’s retranslated, and it’s wonderful.

Read the whole article (print issue July 23, 2017; online July 22).

Advertising experts say that to make the most impression on the public, hit them with your message in different ways all at once, rather than with scattered messages spread out in time.

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Why poly is so feminist: The version to give the clueless

Wonder why modern poly is so feminist? Why most of its leaders, organizers, book authors, bloggers, public spokespeople, and other movers-and-shakers are women? And have been ever since Deborah Anapol and Ryam Nearing got the movement rolling 30 years ago? And since Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart coined, and Jennifer Wesp popularized, the word polyamory?

Lotsa reasons. But for the clueless males that you encounter (including perhaps your cousin visiting for Christmas), save this little gem of a clue-by-four that even they will get.

It's from Poly.land, "your daily polyamory blog for navigating life, relationships, and more," by the prolific Page Turner of the Cleveland poly and kink communities. She also defines for newbies a lot of our in-group terminology. From the start:

The Switcheroo: When Openers Become Benchwarmers

A switcheroo. Who would fall for it?

“You’re poly?” he says. “I feel kind of bad for you.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Everyone knows that polyamory is just a thing that straight dudes made up so their girlfriends will let them have some extra sex without looking like a creep.”

I laugh.

“What?” he asks. “You’re not gonna argue?”

“Well,” I say. “Even if that’s the case, that’s not really the way it plays out. Joke’s on any guy who thinks otherwise. He’s in for a switcheroo.”

“What do you mean?”

“In the game of poly, straight male is basically the hardest setting you can play on. It’s kind of the opposite of normal privilege patterns,” I say.

“So the extra sex?”

“It takes some doing,” I say. “And meanwhile, they’re likely gonna see their female partner overwhelmed with takers and rejecting offers.”

“Oh shit,” he says. “Just like monogamous online dating.”

“Exactly. Except he’s going to be sitting alone while she’s out on the town.”

“Huh,” he says. “Never thought about that. What about evening the odds?”

“How?” I ask.

“Well, what if you can only date people together, as a couple? A package deal.”

“Ah yes,” I say. “Unicorn hunters. That’s even harder in some ways.”

“Unicorn what?”

“A unicorn is a bi woman who will date both of halves of a couple,” I explain.

“Awww yeah,” he says. “That’s what I’m talking about! Living the dream. That sounds perfect. What’s so hard about that?”...

-----------------------

...“Wow,” he says. “So poly women really do have a lot of power.”

I nod. “Polyamory is a matriarchy.”

The whole article, to bookmark (December 20, 2016).

She didn't get around to one of the movement's in-group tropes: It's the men who first drag their reluctant women into this poly idea, then when their fantasy turns real they freak and can't handle it, and the women take over and make it work.

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"Dear Media: Polyamory Is Not All About Sex." (And those feet pix?)

This was recommended to me as a meta article about poly in the media. Yes, the white duvets.

It appeared in the online feminist magazine The Establishment. I imported the pix from the other places that the author references in the text.

Dear Media: Polyamory Is Not All About Sex

By Carrie Jenkins

If you read about polyamory in the media, you’ve probably seen The Photo: an image of three (or more) pairs of adult feet at the end of a bed, poking out from under a white duvet.

In reality it is not one photo, but many, yet it’s a visual trope recycled so frequently and predictably that it might as well be just one. The Photo is supposed to provide a glimpse into the lives of those naughty non-monogamous people having their naughty non-monogamous sex; while only slightly risqué, it gets its point across — the point being that polyamory is all about having sex with lots of people.

You can see The Photo in action here in The Guardian, here at news.com, here at GetReligion.org, here at stuff.co.nz, here in the Georgia Straight, here at Mic, here at Cafe Mom, here in Soot Magazine, here at Role Reboot, and here at The Frisky. Sometimes it’s not feet, just three or more people in a bed—under, yes, a white duvet. (I confess I don’t own a white duvet, but I didn’t realize it was such a sine qua non of poly life.)

There is more going on here than editorial laziness. It suggests that our culture’s default visual image for polyamory is “lots of people in bed together.” This hypersexualization of polyamory might be normalized, but it’s far from harmless. Because we live in a sex-negative society, presenting poly relationships as “just” sex is a powerful way of signaling that these relationships don’t deserve to be taken seriously.

...On the whole, we tend to think that “real”-love relationships are serious — and should be shored up with social and legal privileges — whereas sex is “just” sex. When poly relationships are hypersexualized, they are also shuffled out of the realm of what we are taught to respect.

...A few months ago I gave an interview to a journalist for an article about polyamory in the print edition of Cosmopolitan UK. Her article was well-written and well-researched; it addressed various issues that can come up in poly relationships, like scheduling, jealousy, misrepresentation, and stigma. The journalist included some material from my interview on how polyamory is often stigmatized through hypersexualization and sex-negativity.

So perhaps you can imagine how demoralized I was when I saw that Cosmo had chosen to illustrate this article with full-page, full-color, graphic images of a pile of naked people in mid-orgy. And that the article itself was presented under the subheading “Young, hot and…polyamorous. Why everyone you know is getting multiple action.” Not only that, the front-page headline was “Greedy Lovers: Is a Foursome the New Threesome?” This bore no connection to the article; it was only used to play up the stereotype that poly people are sexually greedy.

Whoever was in charge of these editorial decisions made the Cosmo article into a perfect example of the exact problem I described in it. Either they didn’t read my quotes, or they didn’t care about what I said. I suppose giant orgy photos sell magazines, and what happens to people like me doesn’t matter much to Cosmo. But it matters to me. This kind of harmful imagery is partly to blame for the fact that I get called a “cum-dumpster” and a “cheap skank that bones a bunch of dudes” when I talk openly about being in two loving relationships. It’s what makes strangers feel okay about saying that my partners and I are trash, that our relationships are hopeless, that I’m only pretending to be married, that they hope I get STIs, that I already have STIs, that I’m disgusting.

It’s important to note that the harms caused by the hypersexualization of polyamory are not equally distributed among its targets. As a poly woman, you stand to be labeled a “slut” without a second thought, and there is no male equivalent. Being poly doesn’t necessarily entail having any sex (never mind nightly orgies!): It’s also consistent with being asexual, not being in any relationships, or just, you know, not having sex — like how monogamous people are sometimes allowed to be not having sex. But that’s irrelevant to how stereotypes and stigmas work....

Due to the gendered norms for sexual behavior, everything about this harms poly women far more than men. In fact, any kind of privilege can help protect you from the costs of being openly poly. It’s less costly for rich white people to be out as poly, which reinforces another stereotype: that poly people are all rich and white. (In the examples of The Photo that I listed above, you might have noticed that the feet in the bed are all as white as the bourgeois bedding from which they emerge....

Strategically devaluing disfavored relationships by “reducing” them to sex is nothing new. The same strategy has long been deployed against same-sex relationships and interracial relationships. It’s effective not only as a way of inciting disgust and disapprobation, but more insidiously as a means of othering — making the people in those relationships seem weird and alien and not like us. We fall in love and have serious relationships, but those people are lust-driven animals. It’s okay to treat them like garbage.

It is tempting to push back by demanding that poly relationships be treated as “real” love, and distanced from sex.... But it also throws sex under the bus. When sex-negativity is weaponized against us, we can run from the weapon — reinforcing its effectiveness — or we can work on disarming it....

Carrie Jenkins is a polyamorous philosophy professor currently based in Vancouver, Canada. She previously lived in Scotland, England, Wales, the U.S., and Australia so that her accent would be confusing and nobody would be able to figure out where she was from. Her book What Love Is And What It Could Be comes out in January.

Read the whole text (July 27, 2016).

And once again: Photographers, please supply the stock agencies with some better poly pix! Anyone with a camera and a good eye can do it.

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"Polyamorous women aren’t just ‘pleasing their man’ – it’s a choice"

The Guardian

Author Laura Smith, writing from a feminist viewpoint in today's Guardian, defends polyamory against some classic criticisms from the clueless.

With an emphasis on the most-famous-ever feminist open couple.

Polyamorous women aren’t just ‘pleasing their man’ — it’s a choice

The open relationship between Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre is frequently and wrongly written off. Such arrangements have women-friendly roots.

Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre were together for 51 years, until Sartre’s death in 1980. (STF/AFP)

By Laura Smith

“People have had open marriages for ever … But they never end up working long-term.”

That statement by the biological anthropologist Helen Fisher must have been news to Simone de Beauvoir, the famously non-monogamous French feminist existentialist.

Fisher’s pronouncement, quoted in the New York Times recently, would also be questioned by the numerous celebrities said to have “arrangements”, and the half million or so of Fisher’s fellow Americans giving polyamory a try.

De Beauvoir considered her open relationship with Sartre the “one undoubted success in my life”. In terms of longevity, they had about half of us beat: their relationship, which allowed for affairs while they remained essential partners, lasted 51 years until Sartre’s death in 1980. Now, 30 years after De Beauvoir’s death, many of the criticisms of polyamory are rooted in the same stifling beliefs about female sexuality that she strove to dismantle in her day.

Take for example, the bias that “women only open up their relationships to please variety-seeking men”, which Anna North admitted was often assumed to be the case in an article on why we should be less “freaked out” by polyamory.... At the core of the assumption that non-monogamous women are doing what men want – not what they want – is a more pervasive assumption about female sexuality: it is men who have complex sexual needs, not women.

But as Libby Copeland argued, polyamory has woman-friendly roots: “Free love rejected the tyranny of conventional marriage, and particularly how it limited women’s lives to child-bearing, household drudgery, legal powerlessness, and, often enough, loveless sex.”

In an article on straight poly-relationships in Seattle, Jessica Bennett writes that, “the community has a decidedly feminist bent: women have been central to its creation, and ‘gender equality’ is a publicly recognised tenet of the practice”.

The actress Mo’Nique says that her open relationship was her idea. Simone de Beauvoir didn’t see herself as a tag-along polyamorist either. Attracted to both men and women, her open relationship meant that she didn’t have to choose between them. She felt the “urge to embrace all experience”, saw the ability to act on desire as essential to liberating oneself from male sovereignty, and was seeking to answer the question that we still grapple with today: “Is there any possible reconciliation between fidelity and freedom?” Polyamory, according to Copeland, was not just about sex, but about “remaking one’s own little corner of the world”, a terrifying prospect to those who want the world to remain the same, especially when it comes to established gender roles....

Read the whole article (April 19, 2016).

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Poly and Everyday Feminism: 3 weeks, 3 articles

The modern polyamory movement continues to carry forward the feminist outlook of its female founders 30 years ago. Increasingly onboard of late is the popular online magazine Everyday Feminism, boasting 4.5 million visits a month. It posted four polyamory articles in October, after putting up about one a month for most of 2015 and only one or two a year before that.

Here are snips from the three new ones since I noted Sian Ferguson's 5 Myths About Love, Sex, and Relationships That Stop Us From Accepting Polyamory.

3 Ways Polyamorous People Are Excluded in Queer Communities – And Why It’s Wrong

iStock

By Sian Ferguson

Finding a queer community saved my life. I’m not exaggerating.... Finally, I could live out my truth as a pansexual person while being supported and loved by a large, beautiful group of people I felt connected to and in alignment with.

Queer communities are incredibly important... But they can be oppressive too.... After coming out as polyamorous, I encountered yet another source of exclusion in the queer spaces I used to navigate....

Heteronormativity promotes certain kinds of sex, relationships and families as ‘normal’, ‘natural’ and ‘acceptable’. Namely, it privileges monogamy, heterosexuality, sex between married partners, and sex for reproductive purposes.

...Homonormativity, on the other hand, is the assimilation of queer people (especially homosexual people) into a heteronormative system without challenging the core ideas of heteronormativity.

Homonormativity is heteronormativity repackaged and tied up with an elaborate rainbow ribbon.... Queers often assimilate to heteronormative ideals because we want the same kind of privilege that is afforded to straight people.... But instead of aiming for assimilation into a system, we should be challenging the system itself.

Let’s take a look at some of the ways polyamorous people are excluded and marginalized by some queer communities.

1. We’re Ignored In The Push For ‘Marriage Equality’....

2. We’re Harmed By The Promotion of Normative Family Structures. All families are structured differently. What matters is not the quantity of family members, but the quality of the relationships between those families.

I grew up in a home with an interesting familial structure. My mother was a single parent and I was raised mostly by her and my grandparents. My older siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and other extended family members were very involved in my upbringing....

3. We’re Harmed By Sex-Shaming Sentiments. ...Queer communities can be sites for radical change, acceptance, love and healing. But when these communities reproduce oppressive ideas, they perpetuate the status quo instead of challenging it....

Here's the whole article (October 25, 2015)


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Three days earlier, a long one:

15 Comments Polyamorous People Are Tired of Getting

iStock

By Miri Mogilevsky

When people find out that I’m polyamorous and that I prefer to date multiple partners with everyone’s knowledge and consent, I get a variety of responses....

Here are 15 assumptive statements people say to non-monogamous people, and why they are misguided and hurtful.

1. ‘That Could Never Work’. Often accompanied by an anecdote about a friend who tried polyamory and totally hated it, this comment seems like a well-intentioned statement of opinion, but it’s actually very invalidating.... How can you claim that polyamory “doesn’t work” when speaking to someone like me, who’s been happily polyamorous for three years?...

2. ‘You Must Have a Lot of Sex’. ...The fact that someone is polyamorous says nothing about how much or what types of sex they have.

3. ‘So Which One Is Your Main Partner?’...

4. ‘Well, My Partner Is Enough for Me’....

5. ‘Oh, You’ll Find The One Someday’... This is similar to telling a lesbian that she’ll meet the right man someday....

6. ‘You Just Want to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too’. Statements like these reveal some resentment....

7. ‘But What About Kids?’ Some people, including some polyamorous people, are not interested in having children. Many polyamorous people do raise children with one or more of their partners.... If you’re interested to know how a polyamorous friend sees their future, ask them.

8. ‘You’re Polyamorous So You Can Have Both Genders, Right?’ ...If you find both redheads and brunettes attractive, does that mean you always need to be dating at least one of each?...

9. ‘I’d Never Let My Partner Do That’ (Or ‘Wow, Your Partner Lets You Do That?’). A partner is not a child.

10. ‘Your Partner Just Wants to Take Advantage of You’. It’s valid to worry about someone you care about. Abuse can happen in any relationship. But suggesting that someone is being manipulated or taken advantage of simply because their partner has other partners denies their agency.

11. ‘Oh, So You’re Available!’

12. ‘Sounds Like the Polyamorous Thing Didn’t Work Out After All’. ...Like monogamous relationships, open relationships end for all sorts of reasons.

13. ‘But Don’t Your Partners Get Sad When You’re On Dates With Someone Else?’

14. ‘Why Do You Have to Talk About Polyamory All the Time?’ The short answer is because of everything I’ve just written about.

15. ‘But Don’t You Get Jealous?’ Vegetarians and vegans sometimes talk about how frustrating it is to be asked, “But what about bacon?” The jealousy question is the what-about-bacon of polyamory.

***

Rather than making comments like these, consider taking the opportunity to learn more about polyamory and about your polyamorous friends.... Even if you’ve chosen monogamy, you can pick up some helpful relationship skills from them – or at least hear some great stories.

The whole article (October 22).

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And a week before that,

More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory

HuffPo

By Laura Kacere

...Often described as “consensual and responsible non-monogamy,” polyamory can characterize anyone who engages in intimate relationships with multiple people in a way that is consensual and communicative of all relationships. (That is, cheating on a partner doesn’t count as polyamory!)

These definitions are broad, and polyamorous relationships come in all different shapes and sizes....

The ways of organizing relationships are endless – and so are the myths surrounding it....

Myth #1: With the right partner, you only need one person.

Myth #2: Polyamory means you love your partner(s) less.

Myth #3: Polyamory is for people who “just want to sleep around” and avoid attachment and intimacy.

Myth #4: Polyamory is for people who don’t get jealous.

Myth #5: Polyamory is for enlightened people. While there are a lot of prejudices against poly people, there can also be a romanticization of it, seeing polyamory as the truly evolved way to live. The truth is, poly people are not perfect. People hurt each other in polyamory just like they do in monogamy.... Polyamory comes with its own set of challenges, requiring a process of unlearning and challenging our cultural conditioning around love and relationships.

Facts

Fact #1: You are already complete.

Fact #2: Valuing all of your relationships.... Sometimes monogamy can close people off because of how the parameters of all other relationships are defined – the relationships that aren’t romantic are denoted to “less-than.” In polyamory, the distinction of a new relationship can be blurred and less defined, allowing more space to nurture new friendships....

Time is a factor in platonic relationships as well, and because poly people may have a different sense of how to allocate time, they often come to recognize that they need to share value and affection with friends and lovers alike.

Fact #3: Other people are not your competitors....

Fact #4: You have the right to choose.... No one should ever feel pushed into polyamory by a partner or by those around them – that choice should always be completely yours....

Read the full article (October 15).

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"5 Myths About Love, Sex, and Relationships That Stop Us From Accepting Polyamory"

Everyday Feminism

Sian Ferguson is a self-identified queer polyamorous student in South Africa. She's a regular writer for Everyday Feminism, which claims to be "one of the largest online feminist communities in the world" with about 2.7 million visitors a month, 70% of them under 35. She just published the piece below, which I see is spreading around:

5 Myths About Love, Sex, and Relationships That Stop Us From Accepting Polyamory

By Sian Ferguson

Whenever I tell monogamous people that I’m polyamorous, I’m always met with a lot of curiosity.

While people sometimes act in a discriminatory manner, I often get a lot of respectfully phrased questions and musings.

“How does that work though?”

“If your partner doesn’t get jealous, how do you know they’re really into you?”

“How would it work if you wanted to get married or have children?”

The more questions I get, the more I realize that society has taught us a lot of heteronormative myths about love....

1. We All Have ‘The One’/ A ‘Soulmate’

...There are a number of problems with this idea.

Firstly, it implies that a good relationship is pre-destined, rather than created and maintained through hard work.

I can’t count the number of times friends have been afraid to leave a toxic relationship because they fear their partner may be “The One.”

The opposite situation is possible, too. I had a friend who would put very little effort into relationships because they mused that if the relationship was “meant to be,” and if their partner was truly “The One,” the relationship would work out anyway.

...What if there is no “One” person out there for me, but a number of people who might be compatible with me?

2. If Your Partner Wants Someone Else, It’s Because You’re Inadequate

...If I fall in love with a new person, it’s a love independent of the one I share with my partner. My love for one person doesn’t replace the other; they simply coexist.

I’m of the belief that no single person can fulfill all of our needs and desires at once. My partner is extraordinary and incredible, and they can’t give me absolutely everything I need.

The reverse is true, too – as hard as I try, I can’t get my partner everything they want and need.

...Monogamous people might be able to relate to this, too – as much as you may love your partner, it’s important to have other friends, too, because you get different things out of different relationships.

3. Jealousy Is an Indicator of Love

If you love someone, you’d want them all to yourself. Right?

Well, no. But that’s what society teaches us.

...I’m not saying that I never get jealous – rather, I’m saying that jealousy isn’t an indicator of love.

4. A Two-Parent Home Is Better for Children

...Sometimes, families work differently, and that’s okay!

I was raised by a single mother, my grandparents, my older siblings, and extended family, and I turned out fine.

5. Marriage Is the Ultimate Demonstration of Love

I can’t count how many times people have asked me, “But who would you marry?” when they heard that I had more than one partner.

...The way society prioritizes marriage over all forms of other relationships is problematic, to say the least....

...These myths don’t only harm polyamorous people. They work together in a heteronormative culture, which ultimately harms a great deal of people.

For this reason, it’s imperative that we take notice of these myths and challenge them when they manifest....

Read the whole article (October 2, 2015).

Everyday Feminism has been getting deep into polyamory lately, and getting it right. A search turns up 11 poly-related articles on the site so far this year, after just one or two in each of the previous three years. Maybe a lot of writers are looking into it, or maybe the stats for the site have flagged it as a hot topic, or both.

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For feminists: "So You Want to Try Polyamory"

The modern poly movement has been feminist from the start, in ideology and in most of its leaders — from its founders in the mid-1980s, through the bold new women spokespeople and organizers who continue to emerge year after year.

Factoid: of the 37 nonfiction books about polyamory published in the last 30 years, women authors and co-authors outnumber men 3 to 1.

This morning, the online magazine Everyday Feminism posted a big, thoughtful Poly 101 article by Ginny Brown:

Source: Showtime, Polyamory: Married & Dating

So You Want to Try Polyamory

So you’ve been reading about polyamory and have decided it’s something you want to try. Or maybe you’re still thinking about it, but don’t have a clear sense of where you’d even begin....

Questions to Ask Yourself

Partly because it’s outside of our cultural norm, and partly because it involves coordinating the needs and preferences of so many people, being happily polyamorous pretty much requires the ability to reflect on what you want and communicate it with your partners.

1. Why Do I Want This?

What great things are you expecting polyamory to bring to your life? More sex? Someone to go with you to movies that your partner hates? A warm, loving community of friends and lovers?

...If you’re opening up an existing relationship, it’s good for you to know what your partner is hoping to gain and vice versa.

Articulating why you want to be poly will also help you navigate the times when it’s tough: You can look back at your goals and assess whether you’re moving toward them overall and whether working through the hard stuff is still worth it.

2. What Would an Ideal Situation Look Like?

This will likely change with time, experience, and the people you meet, but it’s still good to set a baseline expectation.

Does the idea of a big house with five or six adults sharing love, sex, and household responsibilities sound awesome or alarming? Would you like to have a lot of partners that you see occasionally, or just two or three that you focus on?... Would you prefer to be friends with your partners’ partners, or keep relationships separate?...

3. What Are My Insecurities and Fears?

Seeing a partner enjoy a loving relationship with someone else has the potential to bring all of your insecurities to the forefront, so it’s helpful to get in some work on addressing them ahead of time.

...Whatever your personal buttons are, polyamory will almost certainly push them....

4. How Will I Handle Jealousy?...

5. What Are My Boundaries Around STIs and Protection?

...The vast majority of the poly community are strict about using condoms for intercourse with new partners, at the very least. Beyond that, it’s a matter of personal comfort.

Do you want to use condoms and dental dams for oral sex? How often will you get tested for STIs?....

6. How Will We Handle Dates and Scheduling?

...If you’re opening up a relationship, you’ll want to set expectations about logistics....

How to Meet People

...OKCupid is overwhelmingly the most popular site for non-monogamous people.... Another good way to meet people is to go to poly meetups....

Mistakes to Avoid

1. Being a Dating Hound

A lot of people decide to be poly, connect with a community, and immediately start flirting with or asking out everyone they think is cute.... By jumping immediately to “Who here can I make out with?” you’re taking the focus off building friendships. And building friendships with other poly folk is helpful on multiple levels.... I recommend giving at least as much energy to making solid friendships and finding the people who will be your poly support network.

2. Getting Swept Up in the NRE....

3. Letting Fear Determine the Course of Your Relationships

Setting rules and boundaries is important, but it’s also important to make sure these are being set for the right reasons.... There will be times when it’s hard and scary, and times when it’s exhilarating and life-giving. It can take some time to figure out how — or even if – polyamory works best in your life.

Embrace the process.

Ginny Brown is a writer, speaker, and educator specializing in sexuality and relationships. She recently completed her M.Ed in Human Sexuality and teaches college courses in health and sexuality. She also writes at www.polyskeptic.com, a blog about polyamory, atheism, and culture....

Read the whole article (April 7, 2014).

Also at Everyday Feminism:

Love Without Boundaries: The Practice of Loving Many by Ichi Vazquez (Aug. 10, 2013; a sweet piece reprinted from The Indypendent).

More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory by Laura Kacere (Oct. 15, 2013).

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Elsewhere, some other items:

● Why Women Are the Catalyst and Foundation for Polyamory, by Manning Haile (Nov. 18, 2013).

● A 17-minute Mimi Schippers video on polyamory at The Feminist Wire (Sept. 13, 2013).

● Angi Becker Stevens' feminism series at The Radical Poly Agenda. Excerpt (July 25, 2013):

I think that poly without feminism can potentially be a rather dangerous thing. If polyamory is just a means of reproducing traditional sexist dynamics in relationships with multiple partners, then we’re stepping dangerously close to everything that’s wrong with traditional patriarchal “one man-many women” polygamy. I see polyamory veering close to this in relationships with the so-called “one-penis-policy,” for example....

● My previous items tagged "Feminism" (including this one; scroll down).

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In other news:

It's less than three weeks to Loving More's Rocky Mountain Poly Living conference in Denver, April 25–27. This is the first-ever Poly Living in that region, following the growth of Poly Living East that Loving More puts on every February in Philadelphia.

And by the way, each of Loving More's owners/leaders in its 28 years of existence have been women: Ryam Nearing and Deborah Anapol, then Nearing alone, then Mary Wolf, then Robyn Trask.

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Poly conference organizer Zoe Duff on feminist radio

CJSW Radio (Calgary, Alberta)

The modern polyamory movement has deep feminist roots. Since its beginnings almost 30 years ago,¹ most of its writers, organizers, leaders, and spokespeople have been women. Year after year, as new movers and shakers keep emerging, this continues to be true.

A statistic: of the 35 nonfiction books on polyamory published in English since 1984, the authors and co-authors total 28 women, 9 men, and 1 genderqueer person. That's 3-to-1 female to male. I see similar ratios among bloggers, local-group organizers, workshop presenters at conferences, and spokespeople quoted in the media.

So it's no surprise that when a Canadian poly item popped up in the news this morning, it was Zoe Duff, director of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA) and organizer of Canada's first PolyCon, being interviewed on Yeah, What She Said, "Calgary’s only feminist/women’s radio program" (on Calgary's independent radio station CJSW based at the University of Alberta).

A podcast of the show just went up. You can listen to it here (23 minutes).

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1. I'm counting from 1984, when Ryam Nearing published her first edition of The Polyfidelity Primer.

Everyday Feminism: "The Myths and Facts of Polyamory"

An on-target explanation of some poly myths and truths appeared yesterday in an online feminist magazine that claims to have more than 70,000 subscribers.

More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory

By Laura Kacere

Source: Care2

...Often described as “consensual and responsible non-monogamy,” polyamory can characterize anyone who engages in intimate relationships with multiple people in a way that is consensual and communicative of all relationships. (That is, cheating on a partner doesn’t count as polyamory!)

These definitions are broad, and polyamorous relationships come in all different shapes and sizes....

Myth #1: With the right partner, you only need one person.

This myth can also sound a lot like “Polyamorous relationships aren’t real relationships.”... If your desires do not fit into [the monogamy] ideal, then there is something wrong with you.

But is there really anything wrong with not finding yourself completely fulfilled by one partner?... I’ve found, as have many others, that when the pressure to be everything is lifted, there is more space for me just to be me.

Myth #2: Polyamory means you love your partner(s) less.

...Our monogamous culture lives on the assumption that when it comes to romantic love, there is a love scarcity – that there isn’t enough love to go around....

Myth #3: Polyamory is for people who “just want to sleep around” and avoid attachment and intimacy.

...While this may be true of some people (poly and monogamous), polyamorous people tend to engage in very intimate and attached relationships....

Myth #4: Polyamory is for people who don’t get jealous.

...What is important is what you do with that feeling, and how you come to understand and deal with it.... There are strategies to survive and even work to unlearn jealousy. These can often be applied to other areas in our lives.

Myth #5: Polyamory is for enlightened people....


Fact #1: You are already complete....

Fact #2: Valuing all of your relationships....

Fact #3: Other people are not your competitors....

Fact #4: You have the right to choose....

Read the whole 1900-word article (Oct. 15, 2013).

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While we're on the subject, here are writer Angi Becker Stevens' Poly and Feminism articles at her site The Radical Poly Agenda.

Here are my posts tagged Feminism. And there's lots more out there.

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"Should Feminists Be Critical of Compulsory Monogamy?"

Ms. magazine online

At the Ms. magazine blog, Angi Becker Stevens extends her run with three solid poly articles appearing in three significant publications in a week.

Should Feminists Be Critical of Compulsory Monogamy?

By Angi Becker Stevens

Akrabbim / Wikimedia Commons

In 1980, Adrienne Rich broke new ground in her essay “On Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence,” in which she argued that feminism need not merely include lesbian voices but actively critique compulsory heterosexuality as a patriarchal institution. More than 30 years later, feminist support for gay and lesbian rights has become commonplace.... But we have yet to turn a critical eye toward the similarly functioning institution of compulsory monogamy.

...As feminists, we’ve learned to speak out and criticize these narrow visions of romance for their heteronormativity as well as for their strict enforcement of gender roles, their frequent double-standards for male and female behavior and their two-dimensional portrayals of women. But we fail to acknowledge the institution of compulsory monogamy that underlies media portrayals of love and romance, or how that institution has worked hand-in-hand with patriarchy for much of history.

...Though exact numbers are hard to come by, it’s estimated that between 4 and 5 percent of Americans are in some form of openly non-monogamous relationship, many of them polyamorous.... Modern polyamory has many feminist roots, and although there are polyamorous folks across the political and ideological spectrums, a large number are feminists, progressives and leftists....

Of course one function of compulsory monogamy is that polyamorous relationships are widely condemned, by both liberals and conservatives. But it’s important to reflect on the root of that condemnation. Whenever a society prohibits a certain behavior or identity, that prohibition is most likely serving the interests of people in positions of power. As feminists, we should always question these socially mandated norms. Is monogamy enforced simply out of tradition? Or is it enforced as yet another way to control and police women’s bodies and sexuality?

...Just as one can be straight and still critical of compulsory heterosexuality, it is possible to engage in monogamous relationships and yet still be critical of the institution of compulsory monogamy. I hope we can begin having a dialogue about this institution, examining what it is and how it functions, and envisioning a future without it.

Read the whole article (August 6, 2013).

All my posts tagged Feminism (including this one; scroll down).

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"The Perks of Polyamory": a free-agent feminist tells of her grand life

London Evening Standard (UK)

So far I've posted more items in April (18) than in any month since I began Polyamory in the News in 2005. Recently I speechified to Atlanta Poly Weekend that as poly awareness grows and its borders widen, the borders are coming in contact with ever more people, so more and more interesting things will be happening.

For instance: The ancient and once venerable London Evening Standard (now a freebie giveaway owned by a former KGB agent) gave space in its magazine section ES magazine to a poly feminist for a 1,500-word, first-person feature article about her life.

The perks of polyamory

How many partners do you have? Just one? How boring. Polyamory — loving multiple people — is a growing moment with its own set of rules. Zoe Stavri charts her journey from romantic exclusivity to five-in-a-bed romps.

I’ve found that my capacity to love is limited only by the amount of time I have — and the size of my bed

By Zoe Stavri

The alarm goes off and I don’t want to get out of bed, but it’s a work day so I have to. My lover to my left grumbles sleepily in protest. The one to my right shifts slightly. Reluctantly, I disentangle myself from the bundle of limbs and drag myself out of bed. As I leave, I kiss both of them goodbye. ‘See you very soon?’ I ask. Both nod enthusiastically.

After work, where I campaign for an NGO, I have a date with a regular companion. I tell her all about the night before, that glorious tangle of limbs, and she grins with approval. ‘Not too tired, I hope?’ she asks. I answer honestly that I’m not in the least too tired to give her my full attention tonight.

If you’d asked me five years ago if I thought my life would end up this way, I would have laughed. But things have changed, and now there is a word for the things I once fantasised about: polyamory.

Polyamory — or poly, as most of us end up calling it — is the recognition that it is entirely possible to love, fancy, and form meaningful relationships with more than one person at a time. There are a lot of different forms that poly relationships can take: some of us have a regular partner and also see other people; some of us live in three-, four- or more-way relationships; some live in big tribes of partners and friends. The possibilities are endless.

I’d fantasised about polyamory ever since I was a child. I wanted lots of husbands and wives and things. But it was only four years ago, when I was 24, and reading about it on a feminist blog, that I realised this was an actual thing....

As I got more involved in radical and feminist politics, I met — and dated — more poly people, although the community is far more diverse than the little corner I occupy. I think I’m reaching saturation point with poly women on the dating site I use, as everybody I am a high match with turns out to be someone I already know socially. We hold conferences and events, we talk to each other on Twitter, and there’s even poly speed-dating. Outside major cities, the scene is smaller, but I don’t doubt that there are poly people everywhere.

...By following a few basic guidelines, I’ve found that my capacity to love is limited only by the amount of time I have — and the size of my bed. Obviously, the key to making any relationship work is good communication. When relationships are in the plural, communication is just as crucial, if not more so. As a child, my favourite book was a lovely story called Six Dinner Sid. It told of a cat called Sid who lived on a street where nobody spoke to each other and everybody thought they owned Sid, so he was fed six times a day. When all six of Sid’s owners found out about each other, they started limiting Sid’s food, which made him sad, so he left. Eventually, he found a new street, where everyone talked to each other, and they were all cool with Sid’s culinary preferences.

This is basically how poly communication works. It involves everyone being as honest and upfront as possible about what it is they want, so as to ensure everyone is on the same page and can address any problems that might come up.... Sometimes conversations can be gruelling and difficult, and it can be hard to find words to say, or even work out what it is that you want. Sometimes I need to force myself to say, ‘Hey, this isn’t OK’.... I know that it is just as important to be honest about the bad as about the good, and I know that being honest is the only route to me fulfilling my needs — intimacy, passion and liberty — and being sensitive to my partners’ needs is the only way I can do this....

Read the whole article (April 26, 2013). Zoe Stavri also blogs as Another Angry Woman.

She writes us about her experience with the newspaper:

Hi Alan! On the whole, I found the experience quite positive, although it was interesting to see how little some people know about poly life; both in the editing process and the reception, I've had lots of questions. I'm glad, because I really want poly folk to be more visible! My one minor quibble is the picture the ES used. Felt cliched, and it annoyed me that all of the feet in the picture were white!"

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"The surprisingly woman-friendly roots of modern polyamory"

Slate

You remember the Slate article a few weeks ago about why male-dominated polygamy is bad for the societies that host it? Now the same writer is back with the flip side.

Her article gets it right but seems a little breathless, as if she's discovered something new. It may be new to many Slate readers, but the fact that women have supplied most of the modern polyamory movement's leaders, writers, organizers, public spokespeople, and movers-and-shakers since the late 1980s is well known and widely remarked.

I'm struck by how this continues to be true year after year as new leaders, spokespeople, and organizers emerge. I'd say the female-to-male ratio in the movement's key roles may be as high as 3 to 1. (Somebody ought to do a proper study.) And, the men are feminist or feminist-friendly.

This is the biggest difference between polyamory's current "third wave," as sociologist Elisabeth Sheff calls it, and the more male-dominated second wave of the 1960s and 70s, when quite a few women came to feel they were getting the short end of the free-love stick. The women's rebellion against this inside the counterculture came on suddenly around 1969. That in turn had a lot to do with starting the explosive spread of feminism into mainstream society in the early 1970s. But that's another story....

Making Love and Trouble: The surprisingly woman-friendly roots of modern polyamory.

By Libby Copeland

Polyamory does not have the same male-centric history as polygamy.


Recently I wrote about the many problems polygamy tends to cause across the world, including high crime rates resulting from young men confined to singledom because older men are hoarding wives, and the subjugation of teenage girls forced to marry because there simply aren’t enough women to go around....

Historically, though, there’s been an exception to the rule about plural marriage being bad for women. Polyamory, in which people openly take on multiple relationships, sometimes in the context of group marriage, has a radically different history. Nearly as marginal on the left wing of our culture as polygamy is on the right, modern-day polyamory is intertwined with the rise of feminism, and its roots go back to the ’40s — the 1840s....

In the 1970s, during what sociologist Elisabeth Sheff calls the second wave of polyamory, fringe groups around the country experimented with non-monogamy. A San Francisco-based commune called Kerista, founded by a man who called himself Jud the Prophet, consisted of three large group marriages, in which sleeping schedules were rotated regularly to keep intimacy evenly distributed.... Its 1979 handbook mandated egalitarianism and required that members care for the commune’s children in “non-sexist parental roles.”

During the ’90s, the Internet sparked a third wave of polyamory, after AIDS had driven it underground during the ’80s. A Usenet newsgroup called alt.polyamory helped build a community, and a woman calling herself Morning Glory Zell, member of a “neo-Pagan” organization called the Church of All Worlds, helped popularize the term in an article called “A Bouquet of Lovers.” In more recent years, polyamory has mainstreamed somewhat, becoming fodder for features in Newsweek and on ABC’s Nightline. MTV did a True Life documentary on polyamorous young people, books like The Ethical Slut explored the topic, and Dan Savage continues to champion non-monogamy. Polyamory is no longer primarily identified with pagans and prophets.

In the most crunchy, West Coast communities, group marriages and open marriages are common enough that people can talk about being “poly” without having to explain what that is, says Sheff, a Georgia State University professor who is working on a book about polyamory. In her research, Sheff has even come across an area in Seattle populated by large polyamorous families: “You’ve heard of gayborhoods? This is the first poly-neighborhood I’ve heard of.”

Women are in many ways the driving force behind polyamory as a movement these days...

Read on (March 12, 2012).

P.S.: I'm glad to hear that Elisabeth Sheff is writing a book. Though not poly herself, she has been one of the prime academics studying the movement's sociology.

P.P.S.: Here's a history resource from the time between what Sheff calls polyamory's first and second wave: Yonina writes, "I just did a project on polyamorous / non-monogamous discourse and practice in the literary modern period (~1900s to 1930s)." Here's her annotated bibliography with much useful detail.

Update, March 20: An audio interview with the Slate author just went up on New Hampshire's Public Radio's "Word of Mouth" program. Listen here (8:40).

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"Critique of Pure Relationships: On Consent and Compulsory Monogamy"

Organization for a Free Society

Poly activist Angi Becker Stevens and Alex Upham examine autonomy in sex, gender, and family formation for the anarcho-left-libertarian Organization for a Free Society ("to break down all systems of inequality and injustice and to create a participatory, democratic, and egalitarian society").

This is a narrow niche as media go, but I think their "Critique of Pure Relationships" (a play on Kant's Critique of Pure Reason) is worth attention.

Within feminist circles, there has been a movement in recent years to reframe our notion of consent, moving away from a passive “no means no” model wherein consent is a lack of resistance, toward a “yes means yes” model of active, empowered consent. Proponents of this model of consent offer invaluable insights into how our personal relationships can be transformed... but they often fail to articulate a broader vision and strategy for deconstructing the coercive forces at work in our society. We propose that in order to realize a truly liberated sexuality, the model of active consent must be applied not only to our personal interactions, but to our interactions with society as well. A truly liberated sexuality is one in which all aspects of our sexual identities... are a result of active consent, not a result of passive submission to coercive structures....

The word “choice” appears frequently in debates about sexuality, as if our desires can exist only on the extreme ends of a continuum between purely biological inborn traits and frivolous choices. We believe this absolutist notion of biology vs. choice is a false dichotomy.... Applying a model of consent offers a way out of the choice vs. biology debate, offering instead a model for valuing and respecting a variety of sexualities regardless of their origins.

...Any institution that upholds any particular form of sexuality as ideal, and privileges it as such, in turn acts as a coercive force, pressing individuals to comply with that ideal.... We can hardly be said to be actively consenting when only one option is considered valid, ideal, or “good.” In order to better understand consent it is important to look at some of the systemic roots of coercion in our lives. In this essay we will be exploring the way these coercive forces act to create a culture of compulsory monogamy. While we have chosen to focus on this specific issue, however, we hope this example offers a model of consent which can be applied to all aspects of sexuality.

The section headings are

● Compulsory Monogamy and the Nuclear Family
● Upholding Traditional Gender Roles
● Love and Marriage?
● Jealousy
● Community
● The Economics and Politics of Compulsory Monogamy
● Toward a Non-Coercive Sexuality

Read on (Dec. 11, 2010).

P.S., added later: This is from a classic anarchist-poly article a few years ago by Dean Spade:

For Lovers and Fighters

...Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It's a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body. I think this fun pastime is a way of cultivating compassion. It feels good to think about people that way, and to use that part of my mind that I think is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people I'll meet in my life to appreciate the general public. I wish I thought about people like this more often. I think it's the opposite of what our culture teaches us to do. We prefer to pick people apart to find their flaws. Cultivating these feelings of love or appreciation for random people, and even for people I don't like, makes me a more forgiving and appreciative person toward myself and people I love....

Here's the whole article.

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Newsweek author: "The Feminist Roots of Polyamory"

Double X magazine

The author of yesterday's Newsweek online article about poly as "America's Next Romantic Revolution" has posted some of her own thoughts on the subject — in particular about the female tilt of the modern poly movement. It's some interesting background to the most important article that's appeared about us in a long while:

The Feminist Roots of Polyamory

A guest post from Newsweek writer Jessica Bennett:

I've never been in a relationship with two people at the same time, but I've spent the last two months talking about it constantly. Not because I'm obsessed with the idea — though, um, increasingly I am — but because I was writing a piece for Newsweek about one particular multi-partner family....

...And while it’s easy to brush off anything with the word “poly” as some kind of frat-house fantasy gone wild, polyamory has a decidedly feminist bent.

The key to poly relationships is gender equality, and women have been central to the creation of the practice. The word "polyamory" itself was coined by two women, in the early ’90s, and the first five books on the topic were all female-authored. Over the past year, writers like Jenny Block and Tristan Taormino, the sex columnist, have written on the topic, while celebrities Tilda Swinton (who called herself a “freak” in an interview with Double X) and Carla Bruni, the first lady of France, have spoken out in favor of open relationships. “Multiple-partner relationships have always gone on, but they have rarely had the gender equity characteristic of poly relationships,” says sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, one of the few researchers to study polyamory.

The way these families make their relationships work is perhaps the most feminine of all of this: by good old-fashioned talking....

Read her whole post (July 29, 2009) on Double X, a new online women's magazine recently started by Slate.com.

I delved into this subject myself here. That was nearly three years ago. New poly authors, organizers, and public figures have emerged since then, and yes, a large majority of them continue to be women.

Thoughts on why?

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"Ask Professor Foxy: Am I Nonmonogamous?"

Feministing.com

A columnist for a top-notch feminist site gives advice for the nonmonogamy-minded:

Q: ...I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and half years, and for most of that time we've been very happy with an amazing sex life! I've always had trouble when it comes to monogamy, though, and I've had to work very hard to resist the temptation to cheat.... As much as I hate to admit this, I have even reached the point where I slipped up and kissed a guy I met at a party. Because of all this, I have had a really hard time enjoying sex with my boyfriend....

I still really love my boyfriend and we're really happy outside of the bedroom. We have openly talked about these issues. I guess I'm just wondering, if I've always had issues with monogamy, do you think that will ever change?...

A: Nonmonogamous relationships in all their iterations (more about this in a minute) are just as valid and functional and workable as monogamous ones. The media and society really only portray monogamous relationships as valid and as soon as one person in a monogamous relationship begins to look at other people (GASP), the relationship is headed for doom. In reality, strong nonmonogamous relationships are much like strong monogamous relationships. The people involved talk about their feelings, their boundaries, and where they want the relationship to go.

It is also important to realize that there is a really wide range of nonmonogamous relationships. Some involve just the occasional kissing outside of the primary relationship, some just sex, and still others are polyamorous (many loves) and involve multiple relationships and lovers.

...Your boyfriend is really trying to accommodate your needs and desires. He gets big points for that.... Since you two are clearly having some good conversations about this situation, why not ask him about the possibility of opening up the relationship a little bit more. Not just for you, but for him as well.

...Start off slow — maybe limiting it to kissing strangers at bars. See how that feels for both of you. You may love hooking up with others, but if he is engaging in the same behaviors: how do you handle it? Keep it there for a month or more, then see how it feels to ramping it up a little more: maybe making out without penetration of any sort (no oral, anal or vaginal sex or fingers into orifices).

You should make sure to discuss what I think of as a checklist for nonmonogamy:

1. What time and spaces are just for the two of you? For example, no kissing other people at family functions. Can other lovers come into your bed, or do you have to go to a neutral space?

2. What behaviors are off limit? People in nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationships often reserve certain activities just for the primary relationship. These are not just sexual activities....

3. What people are off limits?...

4. What about sexual safety?... Barrier methods are paramount here.

5. What must you tell other sexual interests? Do you tell other people you hook up with that you have a primary relationship and that needs to be respected?

6. What details do you share with each other?...

7. How do you honor your relationship? This is so, so important. After you hook up with someone else, what do you do to reconnect as a couple? Do you have dinner just the two of you? Do you cuddle for an hour? This step can be the most relevant to keeping your relationship healthy and strong. The other person needs to feel loved and cared for....

Read the whole article (June 13, 2009), and the interesting comments.

My beef is with item 5. Of course you tell the others that you have a primary relationship. Unless you're a scumbag who likes jerking hopeful people around on purpose. Sheesh.

Meanwhile, over on The Frisky, a columnist describes her latest doomed date with the latest unappealing man:

Dealbreaker: The Polyamorous Guy

...We were no more than two minutes into our first drink when he dropped a bomb. “I’m Polyamorous,” he said.

I coughed slightly and rolled my lychee martini around in my mouth, waiting to feel shocked or react at all, but instead I kicked into dating survival mode. “Okay!” I said with genuine enthusiasm as if he had just told me what college he went to....

What — she'd rather he'd hid the potential dealbreaker till later? The time to lay it out is up front, I say. Reduces everybody's wasted time and hurt feelings. If anything, he should have told her before they met for drinks.

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"Goth, Wannabe, and Christian Sexuality"

National Sexuality Resource Center

The first time I walked into the crowded weekly gatherings of Poly Boston folks at a hip local cafe near Cambridge, I was struck by how many people were wearing black. It wasn't a goth crowd, but the fashion looked goth-influenced by one or two degrees of separation.

No coincidence. Polyamory and its values have become established in goth culture, well known and understood there even by non-polys, according to Amy C. Wilkins, a sociologist at the University of Colorado/Boulder. Her book Wannabes, Goths, and Christians: The Boundaries of Sex, Style, and Status came out in 2008, and she published an article a couple months ago that is now spreading in the blogosphere:

Goth, Wannabe, and Christian Sexuality
National Sexuality Resource Center
By Amy C. Wilkins

“Freaks” dressed in all black. “Easy” white girls who date the “wrong” guys. “Good girls” who’d rather pray than date.

Goths, Puerto Rican “wannabes”, and Christians are all seen as “odd,” as “freaks,” or as “posers.” Outsiders think they wear the “wrong” clothes, have the “wrong” emotions, and — perhaps most alarmingly — make the “wrong” sexual choices.

But young people in these groups are not so different from us, anyone who has ever wanted to improve their appearance, have fun, be noticed, or be seen as authentic rather than fake....

Although goths, wannabes, and Christians each have a distinct approach to sex and sexuality, sexuality is central to identity-making in each group. In various ways, [all three] challenge expectations for young women... but each subculture also valorizes romance in manners that offer both payoffs and costs....

At the Sanctuary, a weekly dance night in the Northeast, Goths (who, in this group, are predominantly white, middle-class, and college-aged) get together for a night of dancing, hanging out, and forming “cuddle circles.” Proud of their freaky personas and dark style, they wear fetish wear, leather and PVC, dog collars, and leashes. A man walks through in chaps and a thong. Other men “gender blend” in make-up and skirts, but the women are dressed in sexy, clearly feminine outfits. On the sidelines, pairs and groups of people kiss, caress, suck on each other’s necks.

At the Sanctuary, they tell me, the rules are different: People are free to kiss who they want, even if they are in relationships with other people. And women are the sexual aggressors. Men are “ostracized,” Hyacinth says, if they hit on women too overtly. Goths value these rules, describing the “meat market” scene of hip-hop clubs as “repulsive.”

“I really, really liked it [about the Sanctuary],” Hyacinth explains, “that nobody tried to grab my butt.”

...Goth women value sexual agency, pursuing sexual and romantic relations with multiple partners, both men and women, and experimenting with “freaky” sex. They describe their sexuality as empowering, arguing that they are in control of their sexual choices....

...The Goth, wannabe, and Christian strategies come with similar costs... sexual double standards are alive and well. As much as goths and wannabes experiment with being “bad,” they... want to think of themselves as different from girls who are really, really bad.

...Goths routinely distinguish “true” polyamory (simultaneous involvement in more than one intimate relationship, which many of them practice) from “just sleeping around.” They explain that “in its purest form, it’s not about sex, it’s about love” and that they “don’t want to be associated with people who are irresponsible.”

...Despite their different sexual styles, the women I interviewed all valorize romance. Goths and Christians explain that their sexual choices are better paths to romantic intimacy. For goths, polyamory forces them to develop better communication skills, to be more honest, and to trust each other in new ways. All this creates better, more authentic relationships, they say.

Christians use a logic that assumes that wasting romance on a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage means that there will be less romance left over for the marriage itself. For them, delaying dating and sexuality ensures unparalleled intimacy with their (anticipated) future husbands.

A bit differently, wannabes explain that they aren’t just having sex with Black or Latino men because they’re cool, but because they truly, deeply love them — and they work hard to create enduring romantic relationships rather than sexual ones. For them, romantic relationships are the key to securing community membership, while purely sexual relationships mean that they will be dismissed as “easy white girls.”

This emphasis on romance comes with costs....

Read the whole article (Nov. 18, 2008).

Wilkins says she "is currently researching race and gender identities among Black middle-class students at predominantly white universities, and the use of monogamy in the construction of notions of love among young and mid-life adults."

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