The New Yorker's controversal article on "How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?"

———————————————————————— 

Note: The Subscribe widget at right (or at bottom on a phone screen) replaces the dead Feedburner service that took our subscriptions with it. If you used to subscribe to Polyamory in the News, you need to resubscribe.

Or subscribe for the first time! Get email notices of new posts (2 to 4 a month). Unsubscribe anytime.

————————————————————————

●  We start with the big New Yorker piece a lot of you are talking about. America's premier long-form magazine presents an unexpected take on How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? (online Dec. 25;  if you're blocked there read it here or in the Jan. 1-8 print issue).

Writer Jennifer Wilson argues, "Non-monogamy is increasingly being adopted not to threaten marriage but to save it."

She takes a cue from Christopher M. Gleason's new book American Poly: A History, which I reviewed last month. In the book Gleason latches onto the essential conservatism of Loving More founder Ryam Nearing's polyfidelitous family values and her centering of healthy child-rearing, and the poly movement's advocacy of honesty, forthrightness, generosity, bravery, concern for the well-being of all, and other good-character traits that people expect to hear more from the Boy Scouts or churches.

In her New Yorker article, Wilson argues that many mainstream couples are exploring consensual non-monogamy not out of any relationship radicalism but as a pressure release valve to keep closed marriages from exploding. Thereby helping to preserve the traditional institution of marriage.

This is quite at odds with the relationship radicalism of much of the poly movement, and especially with the heady utopian visions that, in the 1980s and 1990s, infused the young movement with its power and zest. Wilson is very aware of this tension.

Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual non-monogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.

A rich-looking, well-dressed couple eye-gazing, each shown with other
partners on the side. (Sarah Mazzetti illustration for The New Yorker)

By Jennifer Wilson

  

On Season 1 of HBO’s “Succession,” the telecom heiress Shiv Roy (Sarah Snook) shocked her social-climber partner, Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen), by sharing her misgivings about monogamy—on their wedding night. “I’m just wondering if there’s an opportunity for something different from the whole boxed-set death march,” she confesses, still in her gown. ...

A brief scan of popular culture will tell you that Tom... is behind the times. Marriage has been drafty lately. Everywhere you turn, the door couples close behind them when they enter the sanctum of matrimony is being left ajar. Bored with the old-fashioned affair, prestige TV has traded in adultery for a newer, younger model, mining open relationships for drama. ...

She gives a long list of recent examples.

...What are all these open couples, throuples, and polycules suddenly doing in the culture, besides one another? To some extent, art is catching up with life. Fifty-one per cent of adults younger than thirty told Pew Research, in 2023, that open marriage was “acceptable,” and twenty per cent of all Americans report experimenting with some form of non-monogamy. 

... These shows, with their well-off couples ready to experiment with open relationships as a marital pick-me-up, depict the surprising fate of a radical social proposal. Non-monogamy, once the province of utopian communities like Oneida, which maligned matrimony as just another form of private ownership, is increasingly being presented not as a threat to bourgeois marriage but, rather, as a way to save the institution and all that it affords.

“American Poly” ... offers some explanations for how this came to be the state of our affairs. ... Gleason argues, persuasively, that contemporary polyamory as a set of ideas and practices was articulated by the kind of free-love advocates best positioned to survive conservative backlash in the nineteen-eighties. These tended to be socially liberal fiscal conservatives who wanted love to be as free as the market.

...As backlash to the sexual revolution took hold in the nineteen-eighties, polyamory adapted itself to the times. Gleason cites the impact of one person in particular, Ryam Nearing, a Keristan-curious woman who settled outside Eugene, Oregon, with her two “husbands.” Nearing had split off from the movement over the issues of organized religion (she found Kerista as dogmatic as the Catholicism she’d left behind) and romantic attachment. She didn’t want a best-friend identity cluster; she wanted a marriage, albeit one with two men. “Nearing was uniquely suited to fight for ethical non-monogamy within the cultural climate of the Reagan era,” Gleason explains. ...

Joined by Deborah Anapol, a polyamorous clinical psychologist, Nearing made non-monogamy the kind of life style you could bring home to Mom and Dad. In 1994, Nearing and Anapol began putting out a magazine titled Loving More. ... They emphasized [polyamory's] reliance on honesty, personal responsibility, and a structured code of ethics. This coalition of polyamorists “did not chide conservative reverence for family values,” Gleason writes. “Rather, they internalized the conservative emphasis on stability and commitment, reframing the sustainment of multiple intimate partners not as an undoing of family values but as a necessary evolution in familial dynamics that better safeguarded the family from the alienation, isolation, and economic hardships of the post-nuclear age.”

Actually, that "structured code of ethics" arose not as a political maneuver but organically, from many early polyfolks' lived experiences and bitter mistakes. It evolved from what consistently proved to work and to not work for successful multiple-loving setups within networked community. But that might have been a less provocative thesis to write about.

...So many rules! “American Poly” reveals Americans to be very American. Good Puritans, we made marriage into work and non-monogamy into even more work—something that requires scheduling software, self-help manuals, even networking events. Presumably, participants could at least skip the icebreakers.

Wilson then goes into an analysis of Molly Roden Winter's new book More: A Memoir of Open Marriage. It's set in wealthy Park Slope, Brooklyn, one of New York's most desirable neighborhoods. I haven't read it yet, but the publisher's description sounds disheartening: "Molly and Stewart, who also begins to see other people, set ground rules to start: Don’t date an ex. ... Don't go to anyone's house. And above all, don't fall in love. Spoiler alert: They end up breaking most of their rules, even the most important one."

So, the release-valve fix for a troubled marriage: an individualistic, old-culture, community-less version of what so many of us are trying to do.

Apparently Wilson feels this too. She ends,

Ultimately, Roden Winter’s memoir represents a very specific, arguably very American version of polyamory—the extension of abundance culture to all corners of the bedroom, but nowhere beyond.

I want more for polyamory than “More.” As ethical non-monogamy becomes the stuff of Park Slope marriages and luxury perfume ads, it’s worth remembering that revolutions don’t fail; they get co-opted—often by people who can afford co-ops. You can understand why Roden Winter might believe that she is ushering in a bright, abundant future by opening up her marriage. A good love affair, when you’re inside it, feels like it could change the world. But changing the world takes more than spreading the love; you have to spread the wealth, too. Maybe that’s just utopian, hippie nonsense. But what can I say? I’m a romantic. ♦

Published in the print edition of the January 1 & 8, 2024, issue, with the headline “Open Season.”

PS: And lookee this! A guy who runs a pickup-artist site called The Red Quest spotted the New Yorker article. Accordingly, he advises his predatory vagina hunters to add poly jargon to their arsenal of PUA manipulations (Dec. 26). The article, he says,

is further evidence of the mainstreaming of non-monogamy. Guys who want to get laid a lot should at least be aware of the trend, if not incorporating it outright into their seduction arts skills, which is why I wrote a free book on the subject.

Ten years ago, I’d have to elaborately explain to chicks what sex parties are, what happens at them, the problems with monogamy, &tc. They’d often initially think my propositions bizarre and low-status. Today, a lot of chicks have probably already heard about non-monogamy from TV shows and places like that, and so the explanation part is lower, but the importance of status is still high. I say “TV shows” cause most chicks aren’t sufficiently literate to have read anything about anything.

That's not a satire site. PUAs are exchanging their poly-bullshitting tactics right on the open web. 

I'll say it. My rolling-bandwagon warning from that Central Park stage 15 years ago was prescient. The people who push for years to get a bandwagon to move its wheels half an inch are rarely prepared for what to do when the bandwagon finally starts rolling. Hint: As a bandwagon gain speed, it rolls downmarket.

Update to the New Yorker article: A founder of Kerista writes in. The magazine ran this letter in its January 29, 2024, print issue:

I would like to clarify some points regarding Kerista, which Wilson refers to as a “free-love movement that grew to prominence in San Francisco in the sixties.” Although various groups adopted the Kerista moniker in the fifties and sixties, the most successful and longest-lasting was the intentional community known as the Kerista Commune, which was founded in 1971. Wilson describes Jud Presmont as Kerista’s “leader,” but the commune was started by Presmont, the cartoonist Eve Furchgott, the poet Lynne Barnes, and me. It was a group accomplishment.

Wilson emphasizes Presmont’s ideas about Western competition with the Soviets, implying that Kerista’s spirit was ultimately capitalistic. Indeed, the commune ran a successful company—circa 1990, it was Apple Computer’s twentieth-largest domestic retail distributor. But our greatest achievement, second only to the family structure we created, is that we practiced genuine economic equality. All of us enjoyed the same living standard regardless of who did what in the business.

Wilson ends her piece lamenting that “changing the world takes more than spreading the love; you have to spread the wealth, too.” We attempted to create a movement in which the savings our life style generated funded social-justice and environmental projects. We weren’t able to maintain our project for more than twenty years, but it is my deepest hope that others are inspired to build the movement that we couldn’t.

Eva Konigsberg

Portland, Ore.

●  Sign of the times, or times soon to come: a Vogue magazine advice columnist, Shon Faye, reassures a worried reader that yes, potential dates who want monogamy can still be found. How Do I Know If Non-Monogamy Is Right for Me? (Dec. 21)

Dear Shon,

I’m a lesbian who’s just turned 30, and I’m finding myself at a crossroads with dating. ... I want to meet someone and enter into a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. The trouble is, I’m having difficulty finding it.

...I’m finding myself stuck between the world of monogamy and polyamory. Ultimately I think I’m monogamous, yet I can’t seems to find a monogamous person who aligns with my ethics, values, and what I long for in life. Often it transpires that they want children (I don’t), wish to live in the suburbs away from queer community (I do not), or they have no interest in queerness and politics.

By contrast, the polyamorous people I meet share my left-wing views and outlook on the world. I deeply cared for the polyamorous person I once dated, but I know in my heart of hearts that I’m not wired that way. My heart cannot take it.

What can be done? Is this normal? 

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

I have been answering people’s dilemmas for over a year now and was waiting for this moment. Non-monogamy is still a fringe practice in society as a whole, and people in non-monogamous relationships report a high degree of stigma and discrimination. For example, I have queer and trans friends who say that their families’ attitudes about them having multiple partners or open relationships were far more negative and hurtful than the response to their sexuality or trans status alone. ...  Polyamorous people are discriminated against in policy areas like adoption and legal parenthood. So it is important to acknowledge that openly engaging in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is by no means a normative or easy path to take.

That said, for many of us younger queer and trans people living in large cities with a dense LGBTQ+ population, ethical non-monogamy is suddenly a new norm, facilitated by apps that make multiple connections easier than ever. I would say that half of my friends are non-monogamous. Give it five years and, in my social circles at least, the monogamous people will probably be in the minority. 

...I want to let you know that it is okay if polyamory isn’t for you. It doesn’t mean that you’re unenlightened or less evolved. Having multiple healthy intimate relationships is hard work! There are also thousands of acceptable reasons for why you may not feel comfortable or secure in a relationship that is not sexually and romantically exclusive. Or why you can’t will yourself into ENM simply by reading books about the topic. ...

The quality of the relationship depends on the intentions and behavior of all parties. Monogamy certainly doesn’t equate to commitment or loyalty... Polyamorous people aren’t off the hook either. I’ve observed plenty of unhealed and uncool behavior in open and polyamorous relationships. Simply calling your practice of non-monogamy “ethical” doesn’t make it so. ...

...For now, you are clear you want a monogamous relationship, so it’s a case of waiting until a person  who is open to monogamy and who shares your values comes into your life. ... Being clear about your values and your bottom lines in dating can be hard if you see the potential pool of partners shrinking as a result, but in the long term, the clarity gives you a better chance of meeting someone who truly shares them. The upside of monogamy? You only need to find one.

●  On the always-bubbling question of whether poly is a choice or an orientation, InfinitePolyam asked if I could boost her new Medium post: Stop Calling Polyamory a “Lifestyle” — An Open Letter to the Polyamorous Community (Dec. 4). Bits:

I have considered myself as non-monogamous for roughly 20+ years, first starting with an open relationship that morphed into polyamory somewhere along the way over 10 years ago. ... For me, polyamory is my orientation and how I am wired. ... That brings me to the well discussed and often hot button topic of “Is polyamory a choice or an orientation?” ... Without proper research and statistics on polyamorous people, I’d say it seems to be roughly 50/50. ...

...My personal thoughts are that it can be either, both at the same time, or anywhere else on a spectrum, and can be fluid. Some are also ambiamorous. According to Laura Boyle, “Ambiamory is a word coined by Page Turner of poly.land for those who are equally comfortable and fulfilled in monogamous or polyamorous dynamics.”

...As Laura Boyle states... “I have a distaste for tying immutability to identity. Who we are as people changes throughout our lives.” ...

●  Like a pick-me-up? Here's a dip from the river of happy-polyfamily profiles flowing from the British tabs. This one got republished by the New York Post (yes, a Murdoch property). We’re a throuple — here’s how we manage jealousy, dating and sleeping arrangements (Dec. 29)

Maggie, Janie, and Cody

A Tennessee woman is clapping back at haters who’ve hit out at her polyamorous relationship, saying she’s been part of a happy throuple for the past eight years.

Janie Frank has clocked up close to 510,000 followers on TikTok by answering questions about her unconventional relationship.

The Chattanooga-based content creator began dating partners Cody and Maggie back in 2016, with the trio declaring they “love this life they’ve created together.”

In one recent clip, Frank gave followers an inside look at the home she shared with her boyfriend and girlfriend, complete with two separate beds.

“We don’t do well all sleeping together every night,” the polyamorist proclaimed as she filmed the beds she and her lovers bunk down in.

Frank added that their household also has three felines because the “only thing we get jealous about is who is getting more cat attention.”

...In a separate viral video, Frank detailed how she left her girlfriend Maggie at home for a date adventure with her boyfriend Cody.

The video featured a screenshot sent of a text message from Maggie at home, who jokingly described herself as a “sidepiece.”

“Seems the date is going super well because you’re both texting your sidepiece right now,” Maggie wrote to Frank and Cody in a group chat titled “Best Throuple Ever.”

[And for a birthday:]

@janiecfrank Happy birthday, @Margaret French Presents ♬ I Will Love You - Gin Wigmore

●  Lastly, from the Department of Insightful Definitions,

"A boundary is something you set that requires nothing of the other person."

—Dr. Becky Kennedy, on the Armchair Expert podcast

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And still...

    

“History is coming at us fast right now.

 The geopolitical snow globe has been well and truly shaken.”

– Dominic Nichols, UK

Here again is why I end posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine: I've seen many progressive movements die out (or be killed off) because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

Late night in Kiev on a piece of good news
 

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now with direct support between them.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, abusive police power, or eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

You can donate to Ukraine relief through this updated list of vetted organizations (Nov. 2023) or elsewhere. We're giving to a big one, Razom, and to a little informal one, Pizza for Ukraine in Kharkiv, the project of an old friend of my wife (story).

But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional — inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. The whole world is watching what we will do about it.

Background: "The United States has a much higher stake in Russia's war on Ukraine than most people think." More: "If we stop supporting Ukraine, then everything [worldwide] gets worse, all of a sudden, and no one will be talking about “fatigue” because we will all be talking about disaster."

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we are born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. 

Need a little help bucking up? Take perspective. Play this. Another version. More? Some people on the eastern front helping to hold onto an open society, a shrinking thing in the world. Maybe your granddad did the same across a trench from Hitler's troops — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 20th century.

But the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years there, either. Popular history remembers the 1945 victory over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming. Less remembered are the defeats and grim outlook from 1941 through early 1943.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. It's likely to get worse before it gets better. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

----------------------------------

PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, see If Ukraine Wants To Stand for Liberty and Democracy, It Should Rethink Some of Its Wartime Policies. And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on that. And they're now stamping hard on the old culture of petty, everyday corruption as well.  More.  More; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Now, writes US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic, 

Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”

They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trust: hromada. Learn that word. It's been getting them through  to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

----------------------------------

Social attitudes in Ukraine tend traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But not bitterly so like often in the US; in the last generation the ideal of modern European civil society has become widely treasured, and social progressivism has room to thrive. The status of women is fast advancing, especially post-invasion (pre-invasion article). More than 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — including as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, and snipers. (Intimidating video: "Thus the Witch has Spoken".)

  

Ukraine's LGBT military unicorn.
The thorns and barbed wire
represent old restrictions
now being cut away. 
 

Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutions. Another. Another. Another. War changes things.

And in December 2022, Russia made it a crime not just to speak for LGBT recognition, but to speak for "non-traditional sexual relations." Pre-invasion, Russia had a visible polyamory education and awareness movement.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full material backing for as long as it takes to will their security, freedom, and future. Speak up for it.

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."

Women fighters in a trench in the Donetsk region

PPS:  US authoritarians (such as Sen. Ted Cruz) are saying that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the story of one of their battles near Bakhmut.

Update January 2024: More than a year later Vidma is still alive, still directing the mortar unit (now from muddy trenches), and posting TikToks (this one's from scary minutes exposed in the open; sunrise caught three of them them out). She flaunts her sense of humor. Her young daughter has enlisted and joined them in a logistics role. Their lives and their society depend on us.

[Permalink]

Get new posts by email:

Powered by

Friday Polynews Roundup — When this isolation ends, good long-distance sex, how to open a relationship, and more.

It's Friday Polynews Roundup time again — for April 17, 2020.

Hello, dear ones. Here's hoping you are settling in as well as you can for the long haul.

When can we expect to emerge from this isolation and resume touch, hugs, and intimacy? Not to mention in-person work, paychecks, and normal life?

Here in America society is turning against itself in yet another way: about how soon to relax safety standards. And in today's America, many of the most motivated partisans freely invent and expound "alternative facts" to deny and blow off knowledge of the realities that are becoming clearer. Surprised?

Here is the most succinct, clear statement of what we face that I have seen anywhere, and I've been studying a lot and so has my wife the biologist. It's from Michael Rios of the Center for a New Culture:

The false dichotomy is saving lives vs. saving the economy. The real dichotomy is this:

A: The economy collapsing because people are staying at home

versus

B: The economy collapsing because people are dying in the streets when the hospitals get overwhelmed, which leads to entire sections of society cracking under the stress.

Virtually every [medical historian and] professional epidemiologist agrees on this.

What we are trying to do is flatten the curve until one of three things happens:

1. Accurate testing, for both the virus and for antibodies, free to everyone. This would allow us to segment society into those who are safe to return to work, those with an active infection, and those who still need substantial protection.

Or,

2. A treatment and cure that reduces the death rate to near zero.

Or,

3. A vaccine that is safe and effective.

Until one of those three happens, any serious reduction in the constrictions we're facing will result in economic and human devastation.

But what about a kinda not too serious reduction of the constrictions? That's where this is hurtling, for better or worse. The only way we can thread this needle with minimum catastrophe is by rigorous scientific determination of the facts, those "stubborn things",¹ to steer our future around the worst catastrophes. For instance right now, after more than two months of pathetically slack testing, there's preliminary evidence finally coming in that the virus is more contagious and prevalent, and therefore less often lethal, than we knew before. If so, this will mean a lot for strategies going forward.

Meanwhile these waters are being furiously muddied by reality-hostile conspiricists and amateur Dunning-Krugerists, both from the Trumpy right throughout and behind the power structure and, far less influential but closer to me, the New Agey left. Yes I read you both, and you wouldn't believe how alike you sometimes sound. Just try to grasp the destructiveness of your confirmation biases and motivated reasoning, and until then kindly just STFU if you care about anybody. We've got to science our way through this.

-------------------------------------------


On to polyamory in the news for the week.

● First off: that Polyamory and COVID-19 Town Hall and webinar that I plugged last week? It came off quite successfully last Sunday (April 12) on Zoom, with 14 community panelists and about 125 attendees. Here's the video as promised. The presentations all come first, then audience Q&A and discussion.




● Next: Cosmopolitan presents one couple's better than expected experience with remote swinging. Swinging is definitely a different form of CNM (consensual non-monogamy) but it often shades into poly. There's even a term, "swolly." COVID-19 Cancelled My Swingers' Vacay, So I Got Down at a Digital Orgy Instead (April 13).

The strategy described there is widely applicable.

By Ali Wunderman

When you’re a swinger, even a pandemic can’t stop the party, which is why I recently found myself hunched over my bathroom sink, shaving my legs for the first time in a loooong time.

...We were supposed to be celebrating our 15-year anniversary at Young Swingers Week in Jamaica at the notorious nude resort, Hedonism 2, when the lockdown began. ... In the context of lost loved ones and lost jobs, I know I can’t complain about having to postpone a weeklong beach trip, but... as COVID-19 spread through the U.S., group sex became less of an option by the minute — not just a health risk, but a moral violation.

Fortunately, the swinging community quickly turned to everyone’s new best friend, video chatting, to keep the mood alive.

...New York’s members-only love club NSFW was hosting their first-ever video play party, and we had scored an invite. I found out about the shindig through a friend who was planning to attend, and because it was the club’s first time hosting the party, they waived my one-time $25 fee. Sweet.

Preparing for the lockdown-edition of a sex-positive hangout was surprisingly similar to the real deal.... With everything properly arranged, my hubs and I sat together on the bed in front of my laptop and clicked the provided GetVokl link....

It was a mix of couples and singles, and most of us were in our early to mid-30s. The screen displayed four feeds that participants could dip in and out of, while a group chat allowed everyone in attendance to interact all at once. The organizers kicked off the event with live musicians playing in one of the feeds, and all 67 attendees soon got frisky. Those quarantined together played with each other, while solo-ers made the exhibitionists happy by showing themselves masturbating to all the hot sex going on. Like at in-person parties, it was amazing to be among people who didn't seem to possess a single sexual hang-up.

Introductions gave way to a live demonstration of power exchange and impact play, and the group’s arousal was palpable.... I had to remind myself that just because I was watching people have sex on a screen, I wasn’t watching porn — I was watching real people let loose, and it totally turned me on.

...The digital orgy — dorky as it might sound — gave us far-flung swingers a sense of community, and more importantly, it turned us all the f*ck on. TBH, the experience was, in a word, healing. Spooning in front of the computer screen, watching couples and singles around the world prioritize their pleasure for three hours on a Friday night was *exactly* what we needed. We did ~the deed~ three times during the playdate, and again as soon as we woke up the following day. ...

● Related: Eros in Isolation by Mischa Byruck, on Medium (April 15). "Best practices for online sex parties!" says Sarah Taub. "Fascinating article with implications beyond the sexual realm. Highly recommended."

Update: Rolling Stone suggested that Zoom is, or will be, using automated image recognition to censor nudity and sex parties: Virtual Sex Parties Offer Escape from Isolation — If Organizers Can Find a Home (April 15). Nope, replied PC Magazine the next day, nor does Zoom view content: Relax, Zoom Probably Isn't Going to Crack Down on Your Virtual Sex Parties (April 16). Regardless, dedicated sex-party conferencing apps are reportedly in development.


● On a site suggesting Netflix binges for the confined, here's another in the list of polyamory relationships showing up in TV series. This time it's Carla, Polo, and Christian in "Elite," which is now in Season 3. Here's Why Elite On Netflix Is Worth Watching Right Now (April 15):

By Karelle McKay

Netflix's Elite is a gripping teen drama that revolves around a murder mystery while tackling a range of topics like homophobia, drug use, classism, religion, and sexuality. The drama has captivated audiences across the streaming platform.

...The teen drama follows three working-class students (Samuel, Nadia, and Christian) that receive a scholarship to an elite high school called Las Encinas. Their presence leads to constant conflict with the wealthy students and results in the murder of a fellow student.

...Elite is not afraid to shy away from hard-hitting topics — one being sexuality. The most captivating romance is Ander (played by Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). They come from two different worlds. ...

...Also, the relationship between Christian, Carla, and Polo. The two rich kids, Carla and Polo, try to spice things up in their failing relationship by asking Christian to engage in a threesome, resulting in them becoming involved in a polyamorous relationship.

"Christian and Polo get in an argument. Carla stands in the middle."

 

● A nod to polyfolks comes in the authoritative MedicalXpress: Isolation could improve how we think about and navigate sex and relationships (April 14). They picked it up from the academic nonprofit outlet The Conversation, which is full of mostly excellent stuff.

By Victoria Brooks

...3. Non-monogamous relationships

Under [today's] unique conditions, we will be pushed to reconsider enduring questions around fidelity and non-monogamous relationships. Consider a situation where a partner within a long-term cohabiting relationship has an additional partner whom they do not live with, perhaps it is through an affair, or perhaps the relationship is polyamorous. ... Isolation and this global crisis will trigger new conversations based on people's lived experiences of the challenges and possibilities of such relationships.

● And a bit of humor from a satire site: Polyamorous Woman Quarantined with Least Favorite Boyfriend (The Hard Times, April 3).

"Maybe if I can get her to smoke a bowl and listen to some Faith No More, she’ll see my intellectual side. ... I bring something to the table. I mean, I actually did fix a wobbly table in her kitchen. You just shove some folded up paper under there and that’s it.”

-------------------------


● PsyPost reports on an interesting new study: What changes when couples open their relationship? Surprisingly little, new research suggests (April 16):

A new study tracked people who planned to open up their romantic relationship to include other partners for two months. The findings, published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, indicate that engaging in consensual non-monogamy is associated with some increases in sexual satisfaction — but does not have much of an impact on other aspects of one’s relationship.

...The researchers recruited 233 individuals currently in a monogamous relationship who had expressed a desire to try swinging, an open relationship, or polyamory (but had not done so yet.)

...More than half of the participants, 155 individuals, reported that they had in fact opened their relationship over the two month span. The researchers found that participants who opened their relationships tended to experience positive changes in sexual satisfaction.... When it came to relationship quality and life satisfaction, on the other hand, there was no meaningful difference between those who opened their relationships and those who did not.

“On the one hand, there’s an idea out there that turning your monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one is an effective way to ruin that relationship. On the other, consensual non-monogamy is sometimes talked about as though it’s an elixir for relationship problems. The biggest takeaway from the current data is that we found no support for either of these ideas. ...

“We did find that people who opened up their relationships were subsequently more sexually satisfied, both compared to before they had opened up, and compared to the portion of our sample who thought about opening up but didn’t. This was particularly true for people who had the goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their primary relationship.”

...“We specifically recruited people who were thinking about opening up their relationships, and so our participants were all at least somewhat enthusiastic about CNM by definition. The current results probably wouldn’t generalize to people who hold negative attitudes about CNM. Another major caveat is that we did not collect partner reports, and so we cannot say how our participants’ partners felt about the experience of opening up their relationships,” Joel explained.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship“, was authored by Annelise Parkes Murphy, Samantha Joel, and Amy Muise.

They call their study "exploratory." I'd like to see followups after much longer than two months (I expect this is the plan), and a much larger number of subjects than 155, interviews with everyone affected, and seriously, for it to divided out by relationship type: casual FWBs for sex and dates, versus full-on romantic poly.


● From Your Tango, 7 Tips For Couples To Have Fun With Ethical Non-Monogamy (April 12):

Dr. Stacy Friedman

...Achieving a successful open relationship requires certain characteristics and skills:

    – A high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation to handle strong feelings that might emerge, such as jealousy and insecurity
    – Self-awareness about your feelings, wants, and needs — in other words, your boundaries
    – Strong ability to clearly, effectively communicate
    – Basic respect for each other
    – Commitment to each other and the relationship
    – Ability to advocate for yourself

Here are 7 tips for having a successful open relationship with your partner.

1. Understand the different forms of open relationships. ... Consensual non-monogamy typically takes one of these general forms:

    – Occasional sexual play with others (sex clubs, "hall pass" sex, or allowances in long-distance relationships)
    – Partner swapping (threesomes, swinging)
    – Emotional commitments with multiple partners (polyamory, long-distance relationships)

2. Understand your reasons for having an open relationship.

...If the reason for opening the relationship is to fix a broken relationship or to keep the other person from leaving, then reconsider. Opening a damaged relationship will not repair what is broken. ... The additional stresses and high-intensity emotions almost certainly will exacerbate the problems.

Sometimes, a couple opens the relationship because one partner pressures the other into going along with the idea. This non-monogamy mismatch almost certainly will result in resentment and unhappiness.

3. Keep open communication.

The absolute most essential requirement.... "We know that communication is helpful to all couples. However, it is critical for couples in non-monogamous relationships as they navigate the extra challenges of maintaining a non-traditional relationship in a monogamy-dominated culture."

4. Establish boundaries. ...

5. Be explicit about these boundaries. ...

6. Respect your partner's limits. ...

7. Seek neutral advice. ...

The whole piece is very couple-centric, as you might expect of an article that's about opening a marriage as opposed to polyamory. And — warning — it confuses boundaries with rules. That'll cause you real troubles. Once again: Rules are requirements you place on another. Boundaries are protections you set around yourself. Those are not the same, in fact they're rather opposite.


● Also from Your Tango: another for the bulging storehouse (just a few examples) of articles themed "How poly values can help mono couples": Why 'Agreements' In A Monogamous Relationship Make Couples Honest About What They Want (April 12). Reprinted from Ravishy (April 1).

By Myisha Battle

There is a growing conversation about open and polyamorous relationships happening right now. More and more people are exploring what it’s like to allow themselves to become romantically and/or sexually involved with multiple partners.

...A relationship agreement is a framework that helps set the parameters for openness to other relationships or experiences. It consists of items that two people agree to respect during the course of their relationship.

If creating this framework helps establish a clear code of conduct for non-monogamous relationships, using relationship agreements in monogamous relationships could cut down on the emotional turmoil....

1. Relationship agreements set the tone for the relationship. ...

2. Transparency can deepen an emotional bond. ...

3. There might be some trial and error. ...

...I think this approach could be incredibly useful for monogamous couples that want to deepen their understanding of each other's sexual and emotional needs.

...The first step (which might also be the hardest) is communication. ... Brainstorming a list of things that will create a safe experience of fidelity within the relationship could help to avoid those “oh sh*t” moments as well as deepen your bond as a couple.

● Uh-oh, this is an ugly one: poly household member in the news for breaking baby's bones. One of the polyfamilies spotlighted in the British tabloids in recent months was a young woman with four guys in Jacksonville, Florida. Now one of the men, Ethan Baucom, 22, has been charged with aggravated child abuse, police said. From the Florida Times-Union (March 25):

A 22-year-old Westside Jacksonville man told an officer he “needed to tell the truth” on March 17, according to his arrest report.

While much of the report about Ethan Bishop Baucom’s charge of aggravated child abuse has been redacted, one line is not.

“He stated he believed he heard a ‘pop’ during the occurrence,” the officer wrote in the report.

The 5-week-old girl’s grandmother gave more details in an email to The Times-Union, saying the baby suffered a broken leg, arm, ribs and skull fractures.

“I am so distraught that words cannot describe,” the grandmother said. “Oh the horror of all this! I’m so overwhelmed with pain, heartache and sorrow over this.”

She said the baby is expected to recover without any permanent damage.

Baucom remains behind bars on $250,000 bail, according to jail records.

...On March 17 the baby’s mother called the Florida Department of Children and Families, saying she believed Baucom had possibly injured the child while he was baby-sitting March 12, the report said. She said Baucom told her he had squeezed the child.

Baucom told the responding detective that he was getting frustrated due to his inability to get any sleep while baby-sitting. At some point something happened that was blacked out in the report, and that’s when he said he heard the pop. The baby briefly ceased crying, then cried harder, he said.

The right wing has grabbed onto this, for instance in The Federalist: Why Child Abuse Is More Likely In Polyamorous Homes Like The Woman With Four Boyfriends (April 15)

You don’t have to care about Tory’s consensual adult relationships, but everyone should care about “unconventional” families that statistically put children in risky households. Polyamorous homes by their very nature always fall into that category.

The mountain of data on family structure reveals children fare best in the home of their married mother and father. For overall child well-being, any two (or five) will not do.

Of course, we all know heroic stepparents, but statistically, non-biologically related adults are one of the greatest predictors of child maltreatment. This ugly aspect of human nature is the very reason adoptive parents are required to undergo extensive screening, vetting, and training prior to having a child placed in their home.

...“Progressive” notions of family cannot escape the cold, hard social science that the most dangerous person in a child’s life is an unrelated cohabiting male, especially one left to care for the baby alone.

Statistically, that last is true. All the poly parents I know are very cautious about allowing anyone new to even meet young kids until the parent(s) know them very well and maybe do some background checks. This is why. Consider it a warning.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now. See you next Friday, unless something comes up sooner.

----------------------------------------

1. "Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."
      –John Adams, in his defense summation at the Boston Massacre trial, 1770.


[Permalink]

Words matter: Polyamory vs. open relationship vs. monogamish vs. CNM...

Vero Romero/ Refinery29

It's not just that I'm a wordie by trade. I'm a stickler about accurate use of polyamory because when an idea gets its own word, the idea becomes thinkable and transmissible and real. But only as long as the word keeps its meaning. George Orwell had a lot to say about that: Political leaders who can blur what words mean can control not only what people are able to say, but what people are even able to think.

So I've long feared that if we ever lose our defining word to widespread misuse, such as if it comes to mean plain old screwing around, we will lose not only our ability to google and discover each other, we will lose the growing public understanding of what ethical, honest polyamory is all about. And even our own self-identity.

So last month when someone posted this question on Quora, I answered.

Q. Do the words Polyamory and Promiscuity mean essentially the same for all intents and purposes?

A. No. Polyamory is one type of consensual non-monogamy (CNM to sociologists) — the type in which people have multiple romantic-love relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Other types of CNM include swinging (recreational sex, usually by couples at swing parties) and open relationships (where the additional relationships tend to be more compartmentalized than in polyamory, and often less deep). As the name implies, polyamory means multi-love. Sex is usually an important part of the picture but not always; some poly relationships are platonic.

Polyamorous arrangements may sometimes become group relationships, such as triads, quads, polyfamilies, or more often, looser intimate networks. Whether or not this happens, a defining characteristic of polyamory is an ethic that, to at least some degree, “We’re all in this together,” and that everyone involved needs to display, at minimum, respect and consideration for everyone else. "Open relationship" does not carry this implication.

A recently coined distinction that many find useful is kitchen table poly, suggesting a bunch of lovers and metamours happily gabbing over breakfast, versus parallel poly, in which the relationships are more separate, overlapping common ideas about open relationships.

Consensual non-monogamy itself is one type of non-monogamy in general — a larger category that also includes cheating and, for singles, simply dating around.

[Edited since original post.]

My concern has lessened in recent years. The expanding poly community has held pretty firmly to its defining identity while remaining friendly with the other flavors of CNM, which define themselves as they like. And of course there are many overlaps and partial cases.

And the media? They're often obtuse about matters that are off their beaten path, but they've been surprisingly good about getting this one mostly right.

I'm sure this is because of our community's diligence in representing poly accurately and calling out ignorant misuses of the word when we see them. Thank you, dear people!

So here's a collection of how media have been defining poly and other branches of CNM in the last year or so. They range from sort of okay to spot-on. How would you grade them? This is long; settle in.


● In the feminist Refinery29: Swinger, Monogamish, & 6 Other Words For Open Relationships (May 10, 2019). My grade: A.

By Kasandra Brabaw

When you're taking your first timid steps into the land of open relationships... you'll likely be inundated with a whole new lexicon of terms. ...They each have a different meaning and set of rules attached. So, which word is right for you and your boo's new situation?...

Swinger: A swinger is someone who has multiple sexual relationships outside of their primary romantic relationship(s). Swingers usually don't have emotional connections to people outside of their romantic relationship(s). Some swingers have sex only with close friends (friends-first swinging), and some have sex with strangers or go to swing clubs for the purpose of finding sex with other swingers.

Open relationship: "Open relationship" is sometimes used as an umbrella term to describe any relationship that isn't sexually and/or romantically monogamous, including polyamory. Open relationship is also sometimes used to describe non-monogamous relationships that aren't polyamorous, meaning that people are allowed sexual experiences outside of their relationship but not love or romance.

Monogamish: Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term "monogamish" to mean "mostly monogamous with a little squish around the edges."...

Polyamorous: The roots of the word "polyamory" literally mean "many love," and that's an accurate description. Polyamorous relationships are different from most other open relationships because it's the intention of partners in a polyamorous relationship not only to have sex outside of their primary partnerships, but also to find love.

There are many variations of polyamorous relationships. Some are poly and closed, meaning that the group has decided not to have sex with or find relationships with anyone else. Some are poly and open, meaning partners in the group could still have outside sex and relationships. Some include just three people, some include many different people. Some can have all partners on equal footing and some consist of a primary relationship with secondary relationships branching out from there.

Ethical Non-monogamy: Ethical or responsible non-monogamy can describe pretty much all open and polyamorous relationships. It is a term that sets these kinds of relationships apart from cheating by demanding that every partner in an ethically non-monogamous relationship know and agree to their partner's outside sexual ventures. ...

Polyfidelity: Polyfidelity is one form of polyamory, and could also be called a closed polyamorous relationship. Polyfidelitous relationships involve more than two people, but don't allow for partners in the relationship to have sex or relationships with people outside of the already established group. ...

Polygamy: The roots of the word polygamy means "many marriage." So, people in a polygamous partnership will have multiple spouses or be one of multiple spouses. ...

Relationship Anarchy: While polyamorous relationships thrive on guidelines and "rules" for the partners involved [Sometimes, sometimes not! –Ed.], relationship anarchists believe that there should be no rules or expectations in any kind of relationship, nor that any one type of relationship holds precedence over another. A relationship anarchist might see a platonic friend as having the same level of importance as a sexual partner, for example. And they wouldn't feel constrained to monogamy, because they believe that everyone should be able to seek relationships spontaneously.

● Earlier on Refinery29, by the same author: What's The Difference Between Polyamory & An Open Relationship? (Jan. 30, 2018). I give this one an A+.

...When consensual non-monogamy started to finally get some screen time in popular shows like Broad City, more and more people were suddenly having conversations about polyamory and open relationships.

...But the show didn't show a polyamorous relationship. Even though both fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships are two very different things.

Lula Hyres

For many people, being polyamorous is an important part of their identity, not just a word to describe having multiple sexual or romantic partners at the same time. "Being polyamorous feels hard-wired to their love-lives," says sexuality educator Aida Manduley, MSW. Meanwhile, people in an open relationship don't necessarily think of non-monogamy as part of their identity as much as a personal preference.

...[But] the main difference comes down to commitment. For people in an open relationship, connections made outside of the relationship are usually just about sex. They're not looking for another person to love or build a second relationship with, and they likely wouldn't introduce the people they have sex with to their primary partner. "Open relationships are more likely to have a 'don't ask, don't tell' rule....

Meanwhile, the word "polyamory" literally means "many loves" and that's a good working definition. Instead of just looking for sex outside of their primary partnership, poly people are often looking for love. It's not about having one night stands with your partner's permission, it's about creating deep emotional and romantic bonds with multiple people and forming a tight-knit community. It's more of a culture in that way, says Kate Stewart, a counselor and dating coach who works with polyamorous couples. The poly community in Seattle, where she lives, is incredibly close. "Everyone knows each other, they hang out together, they party together," she says. ...

So, why are the nit-picky differences between these two words so important? Because words have power in creating and finding community. That's also why it's important to have accurate depictions of polyamory on television and in other forms of media, because so many of us begin to understand who we are through what we see. If there's nowhere for polyamorous people to see a love that looks like theirs (or at least, the kind of love they want to have), then it's unlikely that they'll ever find the community they need.

● Says bi poly writer Zachary Zane in Prevention, a health-supplement magazine: What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships? (June 11, 2019). I give it a B+.

Getty

...People aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. ...)

The distinctions [are] necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection. ...

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. ... [False. "Non-monogamy" means everything that's not monogamy — by definition! — including cheating.]

Open relationship. Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person — although that sometimes can happen — which can complicate things. ...

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation. ... It's an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.”

Monogamish. ...Relationships that are, for the most part, monogamous, but allow for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. ...

Polyamory. ...Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. [People can also] claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time — and so too are their partners. ...

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. ...

● In Men's Health at your supermarket checkout: Everything to Know About Non-Monogamous Relationships, Including Polyamory, Open Relationships, and More (April 24, 2019). Grade: B-.

By Charlotte Grainger

...It can be hard to get your head around the labels, and how they actually play out in practice. ... Sexologist Stella Anna Sonnenbaum walks Men’s Health through the different types of non-monogamous relationships and what makes them unique.

PeopleImages/ Getty

Open Relationships. ... The term is not as clear-cut as it may sound. In fact, it can actually be applied to a variety of relationship styles, all of which have one oh-so-important thing in common.

“It means that you are not in an exclusive relationship with your partner,” Sonnenbaum explains. “It usually refers to sexuality, so either one or both partners have the option to have sex with other people outside of the relationship.”

...Monogamish partners are mainly monogamous in their sexual choices. However, as the name suggests, they may both be willing to stray from this when the mood takes them. ... “What we say in monogamish relationships is, ‘I choose to be with you. I may have sex with other people, but I choose to put you first.’”

"Swinging" may conjure images of fish bowls filled with car keys, but it doesn't have to be that way. The contemporary incarnation of this relationship choice could mean a range of things, including having a long-term arrangement with another couple. ... [In fact, long-term pairs of swinging couples sometimes become poly quads in all but what they call themselves. –Ed.]

Polyamory. This type of non-monogamous relationship style allows partners the freedom to have multiple romantic and sexual relationships at the same time.

"It could be a couple having romantic and sexual bonds with other people outside of the relationship, but it could also be a single person who has multiple romantic and sexual relationships...,” Sonnenbaum says. Every polyamorous situation is a little bit different. Here, four polyamorous people explain what their love lives are like.

Hierarchical Polyamory. But wait just a minute — what about setting some ground rules here? Well, that’s where hierarchical polyamory comes into play. This next choice means that couples decide which of their relationships is their major focus, i.e. the ‘primary relationship,’ but can still have other relationships outside of that.

Polyfidelity ... may sound a lot like polyamory, [but] while polyamory is considered an "open" relationship style, polyfidelity is "closed," in that the multiple people involved do not have relationships with people outside their group. [Actually, polyfi is almost always considered a subset of polyam, not a separate thing.]

Relationship Anarchy ... throws the rulebook straight out of the window. Yes, relationship anarchy is just that: an entirely open sexual situation. In short, people can have sexual and romantic interactions with whoever they want and ditch the labels. ... [Actually, RA is a developed philosophy that individualizes all relationships, from sexual to birth-family to work-related. See the first bullet item above.]

● On Page Turner's ever-insightful Poly.Land:  What’s the Difference Between Polyamory & an Open Relationship? (April 1, 2019). Gets an A+ for combining linguistic precision with real-world flexibility.

Q: I have been thinking of something for the past week or so, and it has been scratching at my mind and I’m not really sure why because I don’t really care about labels. ...

A: When you talk about “open relationships,” there are a couple of ways of looking at it. In one view, “open” is a modifier of relationship, explaining whether the people involved are allowed to have additional partners. So in a certain sense, all relationships are either open or closed.

patchok/ CC BY

Polyamory (except for polyfidelity, a form of non-monogamy where people have more than one partner but can’t seek new ones) is a form of relationship that is open.

So polyamory is a form of open relationship.

However, “open relationship” is also used as a phrase colloquially by some people to describe relationships that are sexually open but not emotionally open.

...But not all people who are saying that they’re in “open relationships” are polyamorous. Which might make it so polyamorous people could find it less helpful to identify themselves as being in an open relationship (although in a technical sense they are, since their relationships aren’t closed). ...

Descriptive Versus Prescriptive Labeling

In general, I take the stance that there isn’t necessarily objectively one right label to use in any given situation. Instead, the right label is a matter of who you’re talking with and what you’re trying to communicate to them. This is known in linguistics as being descriptive about labeling rather than prescriptive. ...

● In The Independent, one of the UK's leading newspapers: What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work? (Nov. 5, 2018). The Independent may excel at government and politics, but this piece gets a C- for klutziness overall. Relevant bits for our purposes here:

By Chelsea Ritschel

...Polyamory, which is defined as loving more than one person, is often mistakenly considered the same as an open relationship — which is not always the case.

In reality, polyamorous relationships are unique in that they are comprised of multiple, loving partnerships.

For some people, a polyamorous relationship involves being in a relationship with multiple people, but having one main partner. For others, polyamory is the possibility of being in two completely separate relationships.

“The fundamental philosophy of polyamory is that sexual love shouldn’t be confined to the strictures of monogamy, but expressed freely and fully,” Winter told The Independent. “Another tenant [sic] of polyamory is that both individuals know of their partner’s lovers."

While the boundaries in polyamory are different from monogamous relationships, they do still exist — whether by defining who can enter into a relationship or putting limits on how much time can be spent with each partner. [The more of this the worse your chances of it working! –Ed.]

“On one hand, polyamory removes the secrecy and betrayal of trust that surrounds an affair,” she said. “On the other hand, managing compersion (finding joy from a loved one's pleasure in another) is the stumbling block that trips up most polygamists [sic].”

How is polyamory different from an open relationship?

In polyamorous relationships, it is not completely about sex, whereas an open relationship is typically defined as having outside sexual relationships that do not form into relationships.

With polyamory, the point is to have multiple relationships — as love and emotional connections are the driving forces. ... [At least she got that part basically right, though reality is not always so simple.]

● In the Irish Examiner, in Is fidelity old school, as – it appears – open relationships become more common? (Jan. 9, 2019):

...Polyamory in all its ethical-non monogamy shouldn’t be confused with having an open relationship. In the latter, sex with others is part of the package. Falling in love is not. ...

● On a site called The Manual: What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work? (undated, 2019)

Kitchen table (Caiaimage/Paul Bradbury/Getty)

...An open relationship tends to have the most rules in order to preserve the core relationship. Rules can range from not sleeping with friends, to restricting queer/pansexual/bisexual people, to only dating people of their gender.

...Polyamory tends to focus more on romantic relationships, but it can include casual partners. The main schools of polyamory are hierarchical, anarchic, egalitarian, and solo-polyamory. ... [Which the story goes on to describe.]

● On Quora, Michael Rios of Network for a New Culture brought a deeper perspective when answering What is the difference between open marriage, swinging and polyamory? They look the same on the outside. (Nov. 4, 2018)

...Polyamory is really about creating a chosen extended family, without the restrictions of sexual exclusivity. This creates an open field for emotional intimacy with each person who becomes part of your chosen family; and new relationships, whether or not they are sexual, are not seen as a threat to existing relationships.

Most of these relationships are likely to also be sexual partnerships at one time or another. But at any given time, some will have a sexual dimension, others haven’t yet, others never will (and this is known by both persons), and some were sexual partners, but no longer are. ...

● In Women's Health, What's the Difference between a Polyamorous and an Open Relationship? (April 2, 2018). The article merits an A; this is just one bit:

For once, the ambiguity of this overused stock photo is relevant to the story. (Getty)

 
By Kristin Canning

...While the two share some similar characteristics, they’re very different. “An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people,” says Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, MN.

Both open and poly relationships are forms of consensual non-monogamy, and technically, polyamory can be a type of open relationship, but expectations tend to be different when it comes to these relationship styles.

Are you looking for more love or more sex? ...

● Carol Queen describes a more realistic (that is, "descriptive") fluidity in the open-vs-poly distinction, as quoted in the Daily Dot: What it takes to make an open relationship work" (July 13, 2018). Overall, grade A. Two pieces of it:

GoodFreePhoto/Creative Commons  (CC-BY)

...“An open relationship is basically any relationship that isn’t undergirded by expectations of monogamy and exclusivity,” author and sexologist Carol Queen told the Daily Dot. “They can take many forms, and can range from casual ‘friends with benefits’ connections to solid, lasting (and non-monogamous) relationships.”

...“Some open relationships are more casual, but others are very deep and committed.”

Polyamory, which translates to “loving many” is one way to be open. ... “Polyamory is generally understood to involve people engaged in more than one relationship in a way that’s consensual, negotiated, ongoing to some extent, and honest....”

Queen says some poly folks view various partners as an extended family. “Think a big Thanksgiving dinner full of everyone’s lovers and lovers’ lovers,” she says. “Others keep their other partnerships more separated.”

Regardless of the way a person approaches polyamory, the unifying theme is loving relationships. Polyamorous people aren’t just having casual sex with different people at the same time. Instead, they’re establishing multiple, emotionally invested partnerships with all participants’ full knowledge and consent.

● In the feminist online mag Bustle, Lea Rose Emery explained things this way in her introduction to 13 People On Reddit Share Why They're In An Open Relationship (June 4, 2018). A for clarity.

While open relationships can involve being romantically and emotionally monogamous, with the freedom to explore sexually, polyamory is a type of open relationship that's typically about having long-term, multiple meaningful relationships with people.

According to Poly-Coach, polyamory is often associated with the idea of being "in love" with more than one person, which open relationships aren't always, even if there may be some level of emotional connection. Although Poly-Coach emphasizes that every poly or open relationship will be shaped by the people in that relationship. ...

● Getting your definitions of "open" and "poly" right is crucial when you're dating, but that's only half of it. The other half? Making sure you each understand the other's definitions!

How? Ask. And ask in practical terms; don't be theoretical or you're liable to get book-learning in response. Instead ask, "How do you do poly?" Then listen very carefully. If you hear a deal breaker, be ready to accept that you've just heard a deal breaker.

Elite Daily posted How To Write A Dating App Bio For An Open Relationship That's Fully Transparent (May 7, 2018):

By Annie Foskett

I cohost a podcast about dating. ... I spoke to relationship coach specializing in open relationships Effy Blue, and licensed psychotherapist and dating coach, Shaina Singh, LCSW about the right way to introduce an open relationship when using dating apps. ...

BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU MEAN BY "OPEN RELATIONSHIP"

While the words are often interchanged, being in an open relationship and being polyamorous can mean two different things. "Open relationships are relationships that are not defined by sexual fidelity where the couple mutually agrees to have sexual relationships beyond the dyad [pair]," explains Blue. "Some people use 'open relationship' and 'polyamory' synonymously. Open relationships being only about sex outside the relationship and polyamory being multiple romantic and loving relationships pursued simultaneously." She adds that it is important to have a conversation to understand what a person means by "open relationship," as there are multiple definitions.

Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner's arrangement is. ... "A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose."

If you're new to open relationships, or if you've matched with someone whose bio mentions an open relationship, and you're not sure if you're ready to be in one, take a look at Effy Blue's 7 Tips for Dating In Open Relationships. It's a free download that will help you navigate the language around opening a relationship up on dating apps. ...

● Finally, for completeness of the record, here's an earlier post on media definitions of polyamory that I did a year ago.

I'm not obsessive, oh no, not me.

[Permalink]