"When You Have 3 Boyfriends, Getting An IUD Is Complicated"

Rachael Cromidas writes, "I just published an essay in BuzzFeed about a slice of my experience as a polyamorous woman. I've been a journalist for almost a decade but never written about my personal life until now." She says that years of reading Polyamory in the News "helped me get the confidence to do this."

Confidence is what it must've took to publish this intimate, wild, part ghastly, part puppy-cuddle piece of cringy-funny under her real name. Go you!

I have opinions about the subject matter. But first, excerpts to get you started:

When You Have 3 Boyfriends, Getting An IUD Is Complicated

Mikyung Lee for BuzzFeed News

Because I'm polyamorous, my decision to get on [non-condom] birth control had to go through an unusual chain of command.

By Rachel Cromidas

Desire can make you do strange things, like ... decide to have unprotected sex, in spite of all the sexual health podcasts you’ve ever listened to, you big nerd.

Last summer, this was me. A couple months into dating Sam, an indie musician–slash–dog walker with soulful brown eyes, I got that itch — the one that fills your brain with hormones and urges you to forget to wear a condom. I know for some couples who consider themselves perfectly responsible people, this decision can be as simple as having a talk about sexual exclusivity, getting tested, and then getting down to it. Not so for us — because we’re polyamorous, our decision had to go through an unusual chain of command first. Specifically, I had to talk to my partner Charlie, whom I lived with and had been dating for four years, and Daniel, my boyfriend of two years. Sam’s other girlfriend wanted to know how it would affect her, too. Our intimate, personal choice had quickly become something squeamishly bureaucratic.

...This network of connections dictates almost everything we do together in some way, whether it's a matter of who's having sex with whom, who gets the bigger bedroom on date night, or how the heck you share your time and process your feelings when all of your friends are sleeping with each other.

...Polyamorists call the decision to stop using condoms “fluid-bonding.” ... Some use their fluid bond ... as a symbol of status or a marker that they are special. I was a slut, not a romantic, and I didn't want it to be so significant. My loves knew this, but still, they knew I had never done this with someone before, and they had questions.

For Charlie, a quiet introvert who relishes his alone time and practiced impeccable, unwavering safer sex (if you can get him talking, he’ll brag about how much fun he can have with a latex glove), the decision to put my sexual health in the hands of a man I’d only known for a few months called into question my sense of self-preservation.

And Daniel, my best friend and confidante in all matters since we’d fallen in love a year ago, wanted to know why I had never asked to go barrier-free with him. I thought the answer was obvious: He and his other girlfriend had been fluid-bonding since before I even met them, so the option had never seemed real. Her needs and preferences usually came first, and I didn’t want to step on her toes or let myself be disappointed.

...Sam was newly polyamorous, a term some sensitive artists use to mean “doing whatever I want.” And he had already made some questionable safer sex choices, such as sometimes forgoing condoms with a casual hookup. He also had a little bit of a bad-boy vibe going — tattoos, cigarettes, a thing for staying out til 5 a.m. — and was nothing like anyone I’d been with before. But in spite of some yellow flags, I wanted him, the same way I suddenly wanted to put my day-to-day obligations and responsibilities on hold; to let it get late; to walk around my neighborhood in the middle of the night and look at how the sunflowers catch the amber street light. Maybe you can see where this is going — I had a crush, and after spending years playing by my boyfriends’ rules, I wanted to be a little bit bad, too.

No surprise, my doctor marked me down as “high risk” when I went in for my STI test and a birth control consultation. She asked me if my boyfriend had recently had any unprotected sex and I said, “Which one?” She knew that Charlie had a vasectomy, so I patiently explained that it wasn’t him I was getting the IUD for, but another man. “Well, is he currently having unprotected sex with other people right now?” She asked. “I honestly have no clue,” I replied. Charlie came back with me for my IUD appointment, only confusing the doctor more.

It’s not unusual for women to bring their boyfriends when they go in for a ParaGard IUD. The procedure is known to be quick but painful, and it can be helpful to have moral support. I fully expected to be going it alone, but to my shock, Charlie and Daniel both offered to take me. It’s no fun to watch your girlfriend writhe with discomfort on an exam table, and furthermore, it's not like they had anything to “gain” from my experience. There’s no less-ugly way to say it — I wanted to protect myself from getting pregnant while raw-dogging someone else. They were uncomfortable, turned off even, and yet, they were still game. If that's not love, I thought as I made the appointment, I don't know what is. ...

Read on (July 23, 2018). It gets bloody, but the ending is happy or at least a relief.

Opinions?

Everybody's safer-sex decisions are inevitably their own. No matter how you wish a partner would comport themselves in the heat of the moment when you're not around, you're not taking care of yourself if you hand off the responsibility for your sexual health to someone else. At least not in a polyamorous network. Cheers to her guys for supporting her, but a huge missing piece in this story is what extra precautions they planned to take, if any, with Yellow Flag Bad-Boy's fluids entering the picture.

This is why I go with Michael Rios's simple safe-sex rule: It's your job to protect yourself. Period.

Michael is one of the people who run the Abrams Creek Retreat in West Virginia, which hosts many poly, gender, and New Culture events. At these events he offers a practical safe-sex workshop with the current scientific assessment of risks and prevention measures. He also tells of "many, many" polycules he has seen break up in fury and recrimination because a person relied on others to manage the person's own risk.

"Condom compacts," where a fluid-bonded group agrees that no one will have unprotected sex outside the group, are a road to catastrophe in his experience. Even with the best intentions, for instance, condoms break. Does the person now come back and inform the rest of the group about it — which may require them to take precautions that are new to them for, maybe, the next several months until tests give the all-clear? The actual chance of passing an infection during one such event is very low, so there's a temptation to say nothing. Which taints the group with a hidden layer of falsehood and betrayal of trust. Which makes the next betrayal easier.

And if an STI does get loose, the group is torn by crisis over who infected the group.

On the other hand, when each person takes full charge of their own protection, at the level each chooses for themselves, it's a lot easier for everyone to just be honest with each other. And more protection will actually happen.

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● Speaking of the Abrams Creek retreat center, I'm going to their Endless Poly Summer August 17–22. See you there?


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"Safer Sex in Practice": More on poly and STIs

That last post of mine is getting a lot of hits. Some people are tweeting it with a comment "Monogamy is touted as safest relationship type, but recent study on polyamory shows otherwise." That's an exaggeration. The study in question found that people in honest open relationships do sex more safely, on average, than cheaters or their unwitting partners do. Couples who are in fact sexually monogamous are safest of all.

The study's title tells its conclusion: Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals. Here are some more articles about it, and about STI information for polyfolks.

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● Two weeks ago sociologist Elisabeth Sheff posted an upbeat article, Sexually Transmitted Infections in Polyamorous Relationships:

How poly people have multiple partners but don't spread STIs.

...Simple numerics mean that having multiple partners increases the risk of encountering STIs, and exposure of one partner can mean exposure of others down the line. How do people in polyamorous relationships deal with this magnified risk of STIs? Very carefully.

Testing and Talking

Talking about sexual health is an
important part of staying healthy.
 

True to polyamorous form that emphasizes communication as a key relationship tool, poly folks talk with each other and partners’ partners about sexually transmitted infections. Most frequently, people get tested (with six month follow-ups) and come together for a conversation with results to show and tell—sitting a circle in someone’s living room or basement, handing the results papers around so everyone can see what everyone else has. It makes a difference to see the people who will be affected by your sexual choices and speak to them directly about how everyone is going to protect each others’ health.

Protection and Creativity

Condoms and dental dams can go a long way towards cutting the transmission of STIs by containing fluids and preventing (or at least inhibiting) skin-to-skin contact. There are also many ways to have sex or sexual interactions that do not involve fluid exchance, and polys can be creative about what kinds of sex they have and how they do it.

Fluid Bonding

Because of the potential for STIs to spread through a social group, the rule among mainstream poly communities is no fluid exchange unless and until it has been excruciatingly discussed, tested, and negotiated. This can be such an extensive process that actually deciding to have unprotected sex is a sign of serious commitment, enough so that it is associated with commitment ceremonies.

Positive Outcomes

How does all of this careful talking, testing, and negotiating work for poly folks? Pretty darn well, it turns out. Recent research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine indicates that people with negotiated non-monogamy have fewer STIs and infect fewer partners than do people in unfaithful relationships in which the partners are cheating and have not negotiated multiple-partner sexuality. Openly non-monogamous folks were more likely to get tested for STIs frequently, discuss their sexual health status with partners, and use condoms and other barriers than were people who had not negotiated an open relationship. Cheaters were less likely to use condoms with their primary partners or during their extradyadic sexual encounters, get tested for STIs, or discuss safer sex concerns with new partners.

● Sex educator Charlie Glickman's article on the study (with Reid Mihalko's Safer Sex Conversation Elevator Speech): More Proof That Poly Isn’t Cheating: STI Edition.

...Among cheaters, condom use for vaginal and anal sex was 27% and 35% lower and alcohol use was 64% higher. Of course, there’s some correlation between alcohol use and not practicing safer sex, and some people who cheat may drink in order to get past the voices in their heads that are telling them that they’re doing something they know they shouldn’t....

● Excellent article by Micah Schneider — longtime poly educator, queer event organizer, and quad member — at The Good Men Project:

Let’s Talk About STIs

Talking about your sexual history with a new partner is best done early and honestly.

...Let’s take the second part first: negotiating acceptable risk. Like everything else in a relationship, you have to talk to your partner/s about STIs, preferably before you ever have a problem with them....

STIs are one of those things that I try to get out on the table with a potential new partner as soon as possible, especially if I want to have a sexual relationship with them. In my case, HPV is in my sexual history. I may or may not be a carrier, and there is no real way to know for sure. It behooves me to tell potential sexual partners this, so they can decide what their level of acceptable risk is for themselves. For some people, it won’t matter at all. Maybe they already have it (or had it). Lots of humans fall into that category. Maybe they won’t want to have any kind of sexual contact with me at all. But this person deserves to make an informed decision, right? You’ve got to find each other’s comfort zones, and then honor them.

Here’s the hard part. You have to be OK with rejection. It doesn’t matter if you think their response is unreasonable, or illogical, or fair. It doesn’t matter if you think this is your new soulmate, the first person you’ve crushed on in years, or whatever. That person gets to decide what is acceptable for them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t educate them. There’s lots of misinformation out there about STIs, as I found out about HPV. When I was dealing with that, I quickly discovered that most of what I thought I knew was wrong. Be careful not to step over the line into “pushy”, because you don’t want to be That Guy (or Girl), either. But if they say no, you have to accept it. And as much as it sucks to be rejected for any reason, you are far better off getting that out of the way as quickly as possible, before anyone involved gets really invested.

You have got to be OK with setting your boundaries. Only you can decide for yourself what risks you are willing to take....

The first part of the question — how to protect yourself from STIs — is easier, since I don’t have to answer it. Getting information about STIs and how to protect yourself has never been easier than in the Digital Age.... I have to assume if you are reading this then you have reliable access to a computer. There are tons of resources available, from sites like Planned Parenthood and the CDC to blogs such as the excellent STD Project, a blog dedicated to educating the public about STDs and reducing the stigma attached to them. If you really cannot get online much, there are still plenty of resources available. Planned Parenthood is an excellent place to get information from. Even if you don’t have a local clinic, write to them and they’ll help you if they can. Your personal care physician, ON/GYN, local walk-in clinic or hospital can also help.

The original article (July 1, 2012).

● Safer sex in practice: 15 risk factors that are not given enough attention, by Positive Juice. These are key indicators for assessing another person's reliability and self-care, which wouldn't ensure safety by themselves but improve your odds a lot. "Basically, in one sentence, the summary for all this is that for safer sex, you should find people who also want to do what it takes to be safe."

● From Kamala Devi: Top 10 Safe Sex Standards for Polyamory, Swinging, Open Relationships and Group Sex (May 28, 2013).

● Joreth Innkeeper writes, "I keep up with STI research and testing options on my LiveJournal at joreth.livejournal.com/tag/STI, and I cover the basics of good poly sexual practices at www.theinnbetween.net/polysex.html." Including the Sexual Health and History Disclosure Form that she uses with new partners.

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STIs: Why "polyamorous relationships can be physically healthier than monogamous ones"

Voxxi

One way the poly movement is influencing the culture for the better is by advocating and exemplifying excellent safe-sex practices — based on honesty, unashamed discussion of sexual history and practices, regular testing, negotiation, and attention to the most current medical research. That's our rhetoric, anyway. And in my observation it's pretty often the reality, certainly more so that in the rest of society. Indeed, there's research evidence for good results that polys can be proud of.^[1]

One reality that society fails to teach is that good risk assessment is numerical, not emotional. For STIs it also involves mutual discussions about your own levels of acceptable risk. People differ about how good is good enough for them.

There's no true safe sex, any more than there is safe driving. (No matter how safely you drive, you can be T-boned by a speeding drunk.) Yet people still choose to drive. As my friend Michael Rios emphasizes, if you can reduce your chance of death or major injury from an STI to match your risk of death or major injury from driving across town to see your partner, then you can call it "safe sex" to the same extent that driver's ed talks about safe driving. Insistence on the term "safer sex" at that level of risk betrays our sex-negative culture.

Another part of risk reduction is understanding that unsafe protection methods, those that only improve your odds somewhat, are not evils to be shunned but helpful adjuncts when added to more reliable methods, to reduce your total risk a bit further. Examples are condoms as protection against HPV, urinating and washing from navel to knees after sex, keeping your immune system up with a healthy diet and enough sleep, and many others.

Think those methods sound awful? Wearing a seat belt reduces your risk of death or crippling injury by only about 50%. That would be considered awful for an STI protection method, yet everyone recognizes that wearing your seat belt is a Good Thing. Risk reductions add up. Life is a gamble, but intelligent gamblers seek to use lots of ways to improve their odds.

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And so, "Polyamorous relationships can be physically healthier than monogamous ones," writes the online magazine VOXXI — "an independent voice for Hispanic America, committed to transforming the digital media landscape and catapulting Latinos into the forefront of American dialogue. Our goal is to become the voice of the Hispanic 21st Century.' "

VOXXI is in English; it's aimed for the large market of Latinos who use English as their dominant language.

Having healthy sexual polyamorous relationships

By Hope Gillette

Polyamorous relationships can be physically healthier than monogamous ones.

While it may be more socially mainstream to stay in a monogamous relationship while dating, the truth of the matter is more and more people are exploring their sexuality, and polyamorous relationships are becoming common. So how do you stay healthy when you are in relationships with multiple people — and when those people are likely in multiple relationships themselves?

The key, according to experts, is open, honest communication and testing, testing, testing.

In a report from Psychology Today, couples in polyamorous relationships.... have one major fear when it comes to their sexual health: sexually transmitted infections (STIs). And this concern is not surprising. By the time all partners are accounted for on every branch of a polyamorous relationships, one person could potentially be exposed to pathogens from a hundred other people.

The trick to getting around this fear is to maintain an open circle of trust and communication, and experts recommend having an organized time where all partners can get together and schedule STI checks and review results.

”True to polyamorous form that emphasizes communication as a key relationship tool, poly folks talk with each other and partners’ partners about sexually transmitted infections,” stated Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., on Psychology Today. “Most frequently, people get tested (with six month follow-ups) and come together for a conversation with results to show and tell—sitting a circle in someone’s living room or basement, handing the results papers around so everyone can see what everyone else has. It makes a difference to see the people who will be affected by your sexual choices and speak to them directly about how everyone is going to protect each others’ health.”

The American Sexual Health Association indicates more than half of all people will have an STI at some point in their lives, and recent estimates indicate there are almost 20 million new STI cases reported every year. Unfortunately, less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD/STI other than HIV/AIDS, and 1 in 2 sexually active people will have an STI by the age of 25.

Polyamorous partners try to cut down their risk of STI transmission by adhering to a “no fluid” rule, which means adhering to sexual practices like condom use and dental dams. If there is going to be a fluid exchange, all partners look to agree on it.

What monogomous relationships can learn from polyamorous ones

Interestingly enough, while polyamorous relationships are generally frowned upon by those in monogamous relationships, couples who are dedicated to one and only one other individual can take a lesson from the values polyamorous relationships hold dear. Because of the significant health concern regarding STIs, openness and sharing are valued among the polyamorous group and this translate into more than just the sexual side of things.

What’s more, this communication protocol and rigorous testing regime have led research to conclude non-monogamous individuals in open relationships often have fewer STIs than people who remain in monogamous but unfaithful relationships.

Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found “Sexually unfaithful participants demonstrated significantly lower rates of protective sexual health behaviors both within their primary partnerships and during their extradyadic sexual encounters. Sexually unfaithful participants were also less likely to engage in frequent STI testing, and less likely to discuss safer sex concerns with new partners,” according to the report.[1]

The original article (Jan. 18, 2014).

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So, where do you get the best current medical information? Aggie Sez posted at Singleish and Solo Polyamory:

The CDC [the federal Center for Disease Control and Prevention] just released its annual US STD trends report, which includes screening recommendations. So if you prefer to make sexual health decisions based on reliable and current information, this is a must read. The fact sheet is a good start, but the report looks worth a deeper dive (as always).

[UPDATE: Perhaps the best starting point: www.cdc.gov/std, especially The Facts Brochures.]

This is the 2012 report, but the page says last reviewed and updated January 7, 2014.

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You have to practice talking directly. Here is Reid Mihalko's kit for crafting your Safer Sex Elevator Speech to have ready for potential partners (.pdf download).

Also on that page in a webtool for finding a local STD testing location. And a $25-off coupon. The page is part of Reid's excellent site ReidAboutSex.com.

Also see Joreth's STI resources that she links to in the comments.

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1.: Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals

The Journal of Sexual Medicine

Vol. 9, Issue 6, pages 1559–1565, June 2012

Authors: Conley TD, Moors AC, Ziegler A, and Karathanasis C.

ABSTRACT

Introduction.  Given the prevalence and harm of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), there is a need to examine safer sex strategies in the context of romantic relationships and extradyadic sexual encounters. Sexual infidelity is associated with a variety of detrimental psychosocial outcomes; however, little research has addressed the sexual health ramifications of sexually unfaithful partners and members of other high-risk nonmonogamous lifestyles.

Aims.  To determine whether sexually unfaithful individuals or "negotiated nonmonogamous" individuals are more likely to engage in sexual health risk reduction behaviors during extradyadic encounters and with their primary partner.

Method.  Data were collected via an anonymous Internet-based study. Several hundred sexually unfaithful individuals and individuals with a negotiated nonmonogamy agreement completed a sexual health questionnaire.

Main Outcomes Measures.  Self-reported measures of risk reduction behaviors within the primary relationship and risk reduction behaviors during the extradyadic encounter were assessed.

Results.  Sexually unfaithful participants demonstrated significantly lower rates of protective sexual health behaviors both within their primary partnerships and during their extradyadic sexual encounters [than openly nonmonogamous people]. Sexually unfaithful participants were also less likely to engage in frequent STI testing, and less likely to discuss safer sex concerns with new partners.

Conclusions.  These data add to the literature on the negative effects of sexual unfaithfulness. Understanding rates of nonengagement in safer sex strategies will be helpful to those who lead efforts to increase condom use and other preventive STI measures.

Link for the abstract and full paper (paywall):
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02712.x/abstract;jsessionid=DACD2D0F41E6C086E70846FD8B26038A.d03

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"It's Better with Three"

The Pitch (Kansas City, MO)

In its February 14th "sex edition," amid some pretty gritty stuff, Kansas City's alternative newspaper interviews a local university professor about her research on polyamory and safer-sex practices. The article also profiles two local poly groupings at length.

If a UMKC researcher is right, bringing a third into your bedroom could make you healthier and happier.

By PETER RUGG

...Chell's idea to bring a third person into her [BDSM-heavy] marital bedroom wasn't just about fun. The trio has formed a powerful emotional bond — which is not unusual among polyamorous lovers. "There are things Spawn needs that I can't give him sometimes," Chell says. "I'm a small girl. I understand I can't deal with his needs in every situation."

There's little research on how such relationships work. This is where Terri Conley comes in. A University of Missouri-Kansas City assistant professor of psychology, Conley has begun a yearlong study of about 300 people in polyamorous relationships. She's preparing a questionnaire that will measure risk behavior, satisfaction, emotion and other psychological factors.... Conley believes her research might show that people in polyamorous relationships are safer from STDs — and may know a secret about how to make relationships work.

...Conley has taught a class on human sexuality since she came to UMKC in 2006....

She became interested in polyamorous relationships in California when she saw a mathematical simulation showing it was safer [in terms of HIV] to have sex with 100 partners and use a condom every time than to have sex... with a partner of unknown health status and not use one.

Heads up! Read that again, please! (And for more on this, see Joreth's post in the comments.)

She started wondering about the way monogamy was sold as an answer during the early days of the AIDS crisis.

"There was a surgeon general warning going around about how you should know your partner, but how well you know your partners doesn't really have anything to do with whether they have an STD," Conley says. "And people in a close relationship try to get rid of condoms as early as possible, and they're actually leaving themselves wide-open for something to happen. So those things got me wondering to what extent monogamy really was a good approach to safer-sex issues."

Conley compares the monogamy-only message to adults with abstinence-only sex education for teenagers. The two ideas, she says, cause people who can't live in a monogamous relationship to suffer from guilt and a potentially dangerous habit of cheating. "If it's not serving its health purpose, then we need to scrap the monogamy-only message."

Conley saw that very little research had been done on polyamorous relationships and that most of what was available was years out of date. None of it seemed to focus on health factors.

So Conley, along with Amber Hinton, a graduate student in psychology, is preparing a detailed survey. She hopes the results will answer questions about whether it's safer to be involved with more than one person. The survey will also question whether a relationship is invigorated when one member seeks outside companionship, and if having multiple relationship roles can actually make a person happier.

If polyamorous relationships do tend to include people who are as safe and happy sexually, it'll open new questions about how we deal with complex emotions.

"I do feel somewhat outside of normal researchers," Conley says. "My grad adviser said, 'You don't want to go on the job market as a sexuality researcher. The projects can require an enormous amount of work and patience. It has to be something you really just want to find out.'"

There's the chance that reaction to her latest study could single her out in other ways, if it turns out that people might be healthier with more partners.

"I do sometimes worry what will happen if my hypothesis is supported," she says. "Someone could take it badly, as [if it's an attack on] some religious or moral argument. But it isn't about saying something is moral. It's about presenting the truth."

The article goes on to describe a young couple's difficult transition into open marriage many years ago:

First, [Owen and Louise] had to agree on rules. Neither was allowed to go on a date if the other did not have a date the same night at the same time. Each had veto power over the other's choice of date. Each had to be home by midnight.

Based on what Conley has seen, this is a common arrangement for polyamorous relationships. Establishing ground rules is important to sustain the primary relationship, Conley says. She expects the answers to her survey will help better understand how rules govern polyamorous relationships. It's one area — communication — where polyamorous couples might have monogamous couples beat, she says.

"Monogamy tends to have more general assumptions about what's supposed to happen," Conley says. "If you have to tell your partner what you want sexually, you burst the romantic bubble that they know exactly what you want. If you're in a polyamorous relationship, you're forced to deal with it."

...Louise was able to get a date almost immediately... Owen, meanwhile, decided to go to a swinger's club... Louise and Owen were both home by midnight, honoring their agreement. She didn't know what his reaction would be.

"So, did you have a good time?" Louise asked.

"Yeah. It was really different and really weird. Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah. Are you OK?"

"I am."

That was it.... Now, 27 years into their polyamorous relationship, Louise and Owen have dropped most of the rules. They still have veto power, but only Louise has used it, and only on rare occasions.... The tricky part is meeting people who understand their relationship. In case one of them isn't around to assure the potential date that neither of them is a cheater, they've drawn up what they call "hunting licenses."

"I can just open up my wallet and say, 'See? My wife's cool with it,'" Owen says.

The relationship has become so successful that they have decided to start teaching other people. Louise gives talks on polyamorous relationships at wicca fairs. A year ago, they began offering a class through Communiversity. (They teach the class under the pseudonyms Louise and Shaggy Man.) They'll start their third class in March. Most of the students are younger, and the classes are split about evenly between men and women. Last semester, Louise made a guest appearance in Conley's classroom to talk about polyamorous relationships. "Condoms, condoms, condoms," Louise said. "That's what I tell everyone who asks about it."

The entire lengthy article (Feb. 14, 2008) is partway through a very long file of several articles chained together. To find it, scroll about a third of the way down.

WebMD: "The Truth About Open Marriage"

WebMD

WebMD aims to be the premier source of reliable medical information on the net. Maybe you've heard its ads on the radio. In its Health & Sex Center, an article just went up (Nov. 21, 2007) with an ominous title but remarkably straightforward content about polyamory and those who practice it well. Regular readers here will recognize some of the characters featured.

Couples who practice "polyamory" say it's good for their relationships. Some therapists disagree.

By Kathleen Doheny
WebMD Feature

Jenny Block often invites her best friend, Jemma, to join her, her husband, and their 8-year-old daughter for dinner. "We might order Chinese and then play Scrabble after dinner," Block says.

It all sounds very Middle America, until you know the rest of the story. Although Block and her husband, Christopher (not his real name), have been married for nearly 11 years, Jemma (not her real name) is Block's other love. They regularly go out on "dates," although Block's daughter knows only that Jemma is a family friend. And Block and her husband go out regularly, too. Block is intimate with both of them.

...Those who practice open relationships or polyamory often say they are "hardwired" this way and that laying the ground rules for multiple relationships spares everyone hurt and disappointment. Not everyone agrees, with some therapists calling the polyamorous model a recipe for hurt, disappointment, jealousy, and breakups. On one point all agree: a "poly" relationship isn't going to work unless all partners are in favor of the arrangement.

...Freedom of choice is a big draw, says Cherie, a 34-year-old technology consultant who is traveling around the country and telecommuting with her partner, Chris, also 34 and in the same business.... "Over the years," she tells WebMD, "I have been involved with a very wide variety of relationships and configurations, from triads, vees, quads, and extended networks. At one time, I even co-purchased a house with three other partners."

Her partner, Chris, says that his heart is "wired" for multiple relationships. Those classic love triangle movies, he tells WebMD, were always frustrating to him. "Why should the hero or heroine have to choose between two partners?" he asks. "Why not have both?"

Franklin Veaux, an ex-partner of Cherie, says he, too, is hardwired to be a polyamorist. "Why does the princess or the prince who lives in a castle have to choose?" he asks. "There is enough room for everyone." He keeps in touch with Cherie through instant messaging, although they are not romantically linked right now.

"Every partner adds something to my life," he says. "All of these things make me a better person." The big attraction, he says, is emotional intimacy. "Everybody adds value to my life."

Those who pursue an "open" or polyamorous relationship are obviously not conventional types, says William Doherty, PhD, director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota, St. Paul. "There are always some people who want to push the limits of their experiences -- their joy, their ecstasy in life," he says. They feel convention and tradition inhibit them.

...Polyamorists, to their credit, are often open about it, Doherty says. "There is a kind of idealism around these folks," he says. "They want to be completely open and honest about it."

...Some say they learn something about relationship skills from their other partner or partners, something that can be applied with the primary partner.

"Where it becomes threatening is when [partners] think love implies exclusivity," says Veaux. "It's the starvation model of love. That is, if you love two, each gets half of the love. That's not true. Every single person is absolutely unique. Because of that, it means my partners can never be replaced."

...Ground rules are essential before starting a poly relationship, Veaux and others say. Some Internet poly sites offer sample contracts for multiple relationships.

"You have to figure out what the rules are," Weston says. "Otherwise so much could be hurtful."

The increased risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease is another obvious drawback. Veaux says he is careful about monitoring his sexual health. "I get a general physical once a year, and I'm screened for STDs. Whenever my partnership status changes I am screened again." He asks his partners to do the same. He asks for written proof that his partners are infection-free and provides it to them as well.

To read the whole article, go to the WebMD home page and enter "polyamory" in the search bar.

"Love me two (or more) times"

Orlando Weekly

The alternative newspaper of central Florida presents a big, excellent intro to poly in its July 5th issue, starting with a profile of a local woman and her two males. They're part of the network of friends and lovers who have turned Florida's Tampa-Orlando axis, not exactly a hotbed of alternative culture, into one of the most polyactive areas in the U.S.

Monogamy not cutting it? Maybe you're a polyamorist.

By Deanna Sheffield

Shara Smith looks pretty normal. She’s petite with a pale complexion and long dark hair that falls well below the waist of her thin frame. Smith is 30, outgoing, childless and has a career as a lighting and video technician.... The only hint a casual observer might have that she’s not wholly middle-of-the-road is the message on the black camisole she wears during a recent interview: “My boyfriend says I need to be more affectionate,” it reads, “so now I have 2 boyfriends.”

It’s a joke, and it isn’t a joke. Smith has two boyfriends, as well as relationships with two other men that are “not well-defined.” She’s not a cheater; she’s a polyamorist, the difference being that all her boyfriends know about her other boyfriends, and they’re cool with it.

Smith is sipping coffee at an Orlando Starbucks and holding hands with Ki, one of her boyfriends. Unlike Smith, Ki (who asked that his last name be withheld) is shy, though today he’s excited.

Smith fires up her laptop and logs on to a live chat session with Franklin Veaux, another of her beaus. (Veaux has four girlfriends himself, including Smith. Ki, who has two girlfriends and three “undefined relationships,” has never met Veaux.)

Smith turns the video camera resting on top of her computer toward Ki. Smith and Ki are holding hands as the two men wave and smile at each other. At the conclusion of the conversation, Ki asks Smith for Veaux’s number so the men can chat, and says he looks forward to visiting him if he’s ever in Atlanta, where Veaux lives.

“Generally when you’re interested in one person, you tend to like the other people that they like,” says Smith. “You don’t go in thinking they’re a threat or competition; they’re allies.”

Such is life in a polyamorous relationship.

...“Poly is not mainstream because people are not aware of it, but that’s starting to change,” Veaux says. “I think that more people are becoming aware of it and considering methods aside from traditional monogamy.”

...Smith...keeps a computerized spreadsheet of everyone she’s slept with (or even been in close quarters with) since 1989, the results of their health tests, and all of the exams she has received over the years. Her Excel document, appropriately titled “Sexual Health and History Disclosure,” doesn’t just skim the surface. It lists her last checkup... It includes a laundry list of diseases ranging from HIV to syphilis and two types of the human papillomavirus, the dates she was most recently tested for each, the results and the status of any previous diagnosis. She includes her fertility status, the fact that she is not surgically sterile, uses condoms as her preferred method of birth control, doesn’t plan to have kids, and is pro-choice.

“Things don’t usually just happen,” she says. “There’s too many people that would be affected and could get hurt.”

Read the whole article. Be the first to comment at the end, or send a letter to the editor.

This is another one to bookmark for friends and relatives.