"Raising Kids in a Big, Happy, Poly Family." Hulu's "Conversations with Friends." "No-Nonsense Non-Monogamy." And more. PS: Fascism.

Roe v Wade: You already know. Hit the streets. And help build the underground railroad, now under rapid construction. 

And, keep the wider perspective. This is just one front in the much larger, global contest shaping up for whether humane open societies or fearful tyrannies will rule the 21st century. The poly alternative is just one tiny bit for us to keep afloat through the storm. See the last section of this post. Please read it.

-------------------

Meanwhile,

● Raising Kids in a Big, Happy, Poly Family appeared in PrideSource, June 21:

The unique normalness of families with three or more parents

“We are all mom and dad to all the kids.”

By Nayanika Guha

...Turns out, these arrangements aren’t particularly rare, and in the day-to-day, polyamorous families are simply… families.  

Journie, 40, grew up in a polyamorous household in northern Michigan.... “I always had a big family and people there for me for every step in life. Even though, technically, all my siblings are half siblings or not biologically related at all, we’ve never thought of ourselves as anything less than siblings,” [Journie] said. “And even after I lost both of my biological parents as a young adult, I still had my Momma Jeanne and my Terri as parental figures in my life.” ... Today, Journie is supporting their [own] polyamorous partners in raising their own children, too. 

...While parental roles can be well-defined, often, parents in polyamorous relationships adjust to meet the fluctuating needs of an extended poly family at different points. Journie, who helps raise their polyamorous partner’s child, says that they have stepped up to fill the role of a parent by staying at their house and getting them to and from school while their parents were unavailable, cooking meals, and taking them to doctors appointments, helping them learn to drive or providing emotional support during tough times....

--------------------------------

Sunny Singh, Speetie Singh and Piddu Kaur, a polyamorous family from Indiana who are raising four children together, approach parental responsibilities more fluidly. “I think we never made any rules. Each of us handles whatever we like to do,” says Speeti. “We are kind of winging it as we go. We are all mom and dad to all the kids,” adds Sunny. 

It helps that the three often tend to be on the same page about how they want to raise the children and are pretty like-minded. But differences arise at times. “The kids enjoy that,” says Sunny. “If one of us says no to something, they get to try two more times.” However, the adults often work together to find common ground. 

Stephanie M. Sullivan, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works primarily with LGBTQ+ individuals and polyamorous folks, emphasizes the need for good communication in resolving conflict but also in just understanding the role each parent plays. ... Having very honest conversations about what roles each partner has in the children’s lives is essential. 

If two people are nesting partners, and they each have external relationships, it needs to be clear how involved external partners will be in the children’s lives ... Ultimately, relationship experts say, the impact of a polyamorous relationship on children is directly related to people’s parenting rather than their polyamorous status. ...

--------------------------------

...For the children in the house, having multiple people to rely on who can model healthy relationships can be a big benefit. And for Speeti, Sunny, and Piddu’s four children, having two mothers and a father is the most normal thing in the world. “Our kids have managed to handle it well, and they actually brag about it. The oldest one, she reframes the whole thing and makes it so that it’s something to be proud of. She’s got a great handle on this,” says Sunny. 

“I think what they mostly met up with was a lot of curiosity. A little bit from the other kids, but the other kids would normalize it pretty quick. It would be more from other parents who would be curious and ask their kids to find out for them.”... Their children have accepted their family as normal, and this is the only way that the younger ones have known things to be. 

...Polyamorous partnerships can also help children understand the value of family. Journie has always had a big family, and people who were there for them every step of the way. ...

●  The New York Times ran an article about the new nonprofit OPEN, Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, the subject of my last post. Gotta hand it to the capable OPEN folks, they know how to work the publicity levers. Their press release to the New York Times resulted in this: Non-Monogamy Advocates Ask Facebook to Be More Open (June 17).

A group supporting those who practice polyamory and other forms of “ethical non-monogamy” want more relationship-status options on Facebook.

By Valeriya Safronova

...Despite the growing normalization of non-monogamy as a practice, Mr. Chamberlin said, many people who engage in it still fear being public about their lifestyles.

“You could be fired from your job, denied housing or lose a custody battle based on the structure of your intimate relationships,” he said. The goal of his organization, which he and two others founded in April, is to raise awareness and create more acceptance of non-monogamous relationships.

“Over the long run, one of the projects of culture and society is giving people more space to be in the consensual relationships they choose,” he said. He pointed to the movement for L.G.B.T.Q. rights as one of those projects. Consensual non-monogamy, he added, “is the next chapter.” ...

They also got a slew of coverage in other US media and, surprisingly, around the world: the UK's Independent, Metro UK, the Times of India, Canada's LGBT Xtra, Japan Times, News24 in South Africa, and surely many others here and abroad. They're off to a good start.

● A YouGov public opinion poll last year found that consensual non-monogamy is the ideal relationship style for 32% of American adults (including 43% of millennials), and a new paper examines the reasons why: Motivations for Engaging in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. It appeared in Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 50, pages 1253–1272, online May 11, 2021, in a special section on non-monogamy.

That link is to the abstract and references; the rest of the paper is heavily paywalled unless you have privileges with an academic library. But Psychology Today blogger Nicole K. McNichols reports out its findings: Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Right For You? New research shows that it depends on your motivation (June 11).

A couple of the study's conclusions are totally Mr. Obvious but need repeating always:

When people choose ethical non-monogamy from a place of freedom, they are less anxious and depressed than if they are pressured into it.

...Sometimes, the "decision" to be non-monogamous is one that lacks autonomy. The authors found that when one partner feels pressured by the other to open their relationship, their mental health suffers. This often happens when one person agrees to go along or “take one for the team” out of fear of losing their partner. This typically produces anxiety and depression and leads to both partners resenting each other.

Most people who successfully practice ethical non-monogamy emphasize that it best succeeds in the context of clear, ongoing communication and consent. It thrives when there are clearly articulated rules and boundaries. Having a plan for how to address feelings of jealousy or insecurity, should they arise, is helpful. When everyone’s expectations and needs are being met, the outcome is more positive. 

Here's the original YouGov survey: One-third of Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous (Jan. 31, 2020).

● In her Psychology Today blog The Polyamorists Next Door, sociologist Eli Sheff presents another observation about the poly world from her 25-plus years of studying it: For Many Polyamorous Relationships, Year 1 Is the Hardest (June 8).

Decades of research on polyamorous relationships have clearly demonstrated that the beginning of these consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships can be both incredibly exciting and tremendously difficult. The first year of a new polyamorous relationship is often challenging for people who attempt to sustain lasting intimate partnerships with multiple people simultaneously.

While some poly folks are able to transition into new relationships smoothly, it can be much harder for others. This is primarily because of new relationship energy and the challenges of meshing multiple relationships. ...

Sheff has been adding a new, well-informed article about once a month to The Polyamorists Next Door blog ever since her book by that name came out in 2015. Definitely worth looking in on from time to time.

● More TV: Hulu's Conversations With Friends is a 12-episode scripted series that, in part, follows four friends/partners making their way through a new landscape of non-monogamy, sometimes beautiful and sometimes not so much. The Washington Post Writers Group has put up a highly crafted promo for the series that also delves into CNM as a social movement: When Monogamy Isn't One Size Fits All.

Friends and lovers

...Today, there’s a growing movement of people who are rethinking these cultural norms, exploring instead the benefits of “liminal relationships”—connections that exist in the in-betweens. That might be the exes who are best friends and sometimes more, or the married couple exploring “open monogamy.” Whatever it is, experts say, exploring liminal relationships can be an important opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Because it’s not just relationships that don't fit into boxes. People don't, either.

This shift in thinking is at the heart of a new Hulu Original series, “Conversations with Friends.” Based on the best-selling novel by Sally Rooney, the author behind Hulu’s previous smash-hit, “Normal People,” the show tells the story of best friends and exes Bobbi and Frances, two queer twentysomething women, as they become entwined in the marriage of thirtysomethings Melissa and Nick. Through an ever-shifting web of friendships and romantic entanglements, the characters free themselves from traditional boundaries to try and develop a truer understanding of who they are, and what they want. ...

●  A short but solid item by Shrimp Teeth appears in the LGBT Glue mag: No-Nonsense Non-Monogamy: How to recognize theory vs practice in polyamory (undated; June 2022).

It’s important that we separate how we WISH to behave/feel (theory) versus how we ACTUALLY behave/feel (practice).

ShrimpTeeth.com

Being unable to say “Hey, I thought I would be chill, but I’m realizing I’m jealous, I need support” sets fucked up expectations for our pals. 

...When people act like their theory and practice [of poly] match but they don’t, they end up blaming their pals and metas instead of taking responsibility.

People aren’t doing this maliciously, it’s not a deliberate act of deceit. ... We honestly all think we’re way better at handling difficult situations than we actually are. ...

Read on. It's part of Shrimp Teeth's pithy No-Nonsense Non-Monogamy series. Other entries:

Dating factors to consider

How to avoid the relationship escalator

How to have non-sexual polyamorous relationships

How to express hurt in polyamory

How to be polyamorous in theory but monogamous in practice

How does relationship anarchy work?

How to unlearn compulsory monogamy

Shrimp Teeth, aka Sam, is "a sex educator and artist who explores queerness, polyamory, and sexuality through their work. She’s passionate about exploring ways to broaden relationship structures to foster more connections between people."

There's more blunt CNM stuff on her podcast and website, such as How Cancel Culture Shows Up In Polyamory:

...You will fuck up in your relationship, especially if it's non-monogamous. If you expect yourself and your pals to be perfect, you set yourself up for total disaster. Again, we need space to make mistakes and compassion to resolve them. If you take each instance of hurt personally and ascribe malicious intent to your pals and metas, your relationship will crumble faster than a Chips Ahoy in pouring rain. ... I constantly remind folks during peer support that they're on the same team as their pal, that just because they disagree doesn't mean they're enemies. Adopting the black and white mentality that drives cancel culture is a disaster for interpersonal relationships. Rather than seeing ourselves and others as fallible while trying our best, we see each other as disposable unless we're unrealistically perfect. The only thing cancel culture does in relationships is planting an unshakable sense of insecurity.

Cancel culture further warps our understanding of boundaries and expectations and equates any transgression with deliberate acts of violence. My experience of 98% of cancellations or pile ons goes like this: a random follower will disagree with something I've said, claim that it constitutes harm, state an expectation as a threat (ie I must publicly repent and apologize to them... OR ELSE) rather than an expectation as a request (ie I'm an autonomous person who's allowed to decide whether or not I change my previous statement) if I refuse to behave as they have demanded they will claim this is a violation of their boundary, and then claim this further proves harm which justifies on-going harassment. ...

In polyamory, our pals will constantly make decisions we don't like or agree with. They will occasionally violate our expectations or violate their own boundaries. ... Pals will choose to spend time with metas instead of us, they will hurt our feelings, tell us things we aren't ready to deal with, escalate relationships too quickly for our liking, etc. We can be hurt by these actions, but once again, they don't constitute harm because (for the most part) they are not attempts to use unequal power to maintain control. 

●  "It's not all about the sex," we keep having to explain. But like in monogamous relationships, a fair amount of it is. Bi/poly writer Zachary Zane discusses 8 Ways Polyamory Makes Sex Better in the LGBT Advocate (June 9). You probably know some of them but maybe not all. (NSFW pix.)

●  Here's a not-your-usual poly question in Slate's advice column. A middle-aged daughter is squicked to learn of her parents' long-term, live-together relationship with a guy younger than she is. They are in their 60s; the husband is an old-school closeted gay (he had a military career), and their successful marriage provided him cover. All three seem happy, but their adult daughter is weirded out. I Moved Back in With My Parents and Made a Very Troubling Discovery About Their Relationship (June 19).

Advice columnist Rich Juzwiak points out that she can't actually cite any problem.

Some of what you mention one might consider red flags … if one is a judgy busybody whose only course of action is meddling. Yeah, in an ideal world, every sexagenarian couple with a 23-year-old boyfriend would be able to live their truth, loud and unscathed, but your parents came of age in a different time and, regardless, a lot of communities do not receive open polyamory with kindness.

...Everyone else [is cool with it] but you, and would you look at that?

●  The annual round of polyamory conventions, retreats, campouts, and other gatherings is starting to open up again in hopes that the pandemic is receding. Some conferences are at least partly online; many require proof of vaccination, onsite testing, and/or other risk abatement. See Alan's List of Polyamory Events, covering the next 12 months. Frequently updated. 

---------------------------------------------------------

And the wider picture. Shit will get real. 

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Some people feel we're a threat to society — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness. Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to protect the rights of all.

People and communities who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received more pagereads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukrainian relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. (Avoid scams.)

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But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetimes.

(Also see, among others, Tom Friedman's I Thought Putin Invaded Only Ukraine. I Was Wrong.)

The coming times are going to require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we are born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be ready.

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Loud. Another version. Another.

More, you want? Just some guys near Kharkiv the other day helping to hold onto a free and open society, a shrinking thing in the world. (The tossed grenade seems to have saved them.) Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops. For you, and for us — because a world fascist upsurge was successfully defeated that time, though the outcome didn't look good for a couple years there.

Bravery takes other forms. For instance. And this. Or cartoon animator Oleg Kuvaev. His Masyanya was a popular family webseries in Russia for years, South Park style, and made it onto TV. Then, after the start of the war in February, he put out Episode 160. The raucous, oval-headed mom shelves the "no politics" rule ("So this is the result of your No Politics!" says her partner. "It's our fault.") and toward the end she barges in on Putin and presents him a blistering lecture and a hara-kiri sword to solve his problems. No spoilers what comes next. English subtitles. Kuvaev is out of Russia, the series remains up via overseas backups, and Russian authorities have implied they will hunt down the backups and wipe them. Don't drink any polonium tea, guy.

Remember, these people say they're doing it for us too. They are correct. The situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The global fight between a free, open future and a terrible return to the dark past past that is shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages (start at the 3rd paragraph there).  The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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BTW, it's safer to say a thing if you get people around you say it too. What this audience is chanting in St. Petersburg is Khuy voinyeh, "Fuck the war," potentially worth a 15-year prison sentence.

San Petersburgo en el concierto del grupo Kis-Kis unánimemente muestran su rechazo a la guerra #Russia pic.twitter.com/L3bMjUaKl4

— pinov-Rusia (@juancarlospinov) May 21, 2022

Some person in that crowd started it. Maybe you can be a first mover too. Or be the first reactor to a first mover, just as crucial. When the moment appears, remember not to flinch. We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do, vote.

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OPEN, a new polyactivist group, launches with petition drive: "Tell Facebook to allow multiple relationship statuses"

 

For years, polyamory activists have pushed Facebook to let CNM folks specify their "relationship status" clearly, rather than having to pick just one of the several, mostly mono-normative choices that Facebook allows.

Now the new polyamory activist group OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, has just launched an effort to get Facebook to allow polyfolks to specify themselves more correctly. It's running a petition drive, Remove Facebook's Limits on Love, addressed to Tom Alison, the Meta corporation's VP in charge of Facebook. Excerpts:

Human connection has long been at the center of Meta’s mission and values. ... Unfortunately, the design of the “relationship status” feature prevents many users from indicating the connections most important to them. By restricting users to one relationship status (and one tagged partner) on their Profile, non-monogamous individuals are arbitrarily prevented from expressing the full range of their connections on the Facebook App.

Ethical non-monogamy, also referred to as consensual non-monogamy, is a term encompassing a range of relationship practices involving multiple partners, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. In the US, 4-5% of adults currently practice some form of ethical non-monogamy, with one in five adults entering into a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives. ...

Given the growing prevalence of ethical non-monogamy, we believe that restricting users to listing only one relationship status on their Profile is arbitrary, exclusionary, and contrary to Meta’s core values. ...

Meta has long demonstrated a limited recognition of non-monogamous relationships through the inclusion of an “open relationship” option for the “relationship status” field. ... We are requesting that Meta take the next step in facilitating inclusive connection on the Facebook App by removing the limit of one “relationship status” on Profiles.

Nice and polite. Will they listen? Go sign. And,

Check out our promotional guide for graphics and captions to share this campaign with your community, or use the buttons below to share the petition directly:

Click here to share this petition on Facebook.

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Posting to Instagram stories?

            Please use the “LINK” tool to add a direct link from your story to the petition at tinyurl.com/facebooklimitslove 

Posting to your Instagram feed?

          Because Instagram does not support direct links in captions, consider adding a direct link to the petition to your IG profile or linktree.

The most interesting thing to me is who's behind this.

OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, is a newly founded non-profit based in Sacramento and San Francisco with some serious talent and money behind it. They've chosen the perennial Facebook relationship status issue for their public launch, but they have bigger plans: public-education and legal drives to establish "the freedom to be OPEN about everyone important in your life."

From their Mission page:

OPEN is a nonprofit organization dedicated to normalizing and empowering non-monogamous individuals and communities. More than that, we’re a movement of people working toward a future where romantic and intimate relationships between consenting adults are accepted and protected regardless of relationship structure, gender identity, or sexual orientation. 

 

OPEN was founded in 2022 to serve the 5% of American adults who practice some form of ethical non-monogamy. Too often, ethically non-monogamous individuals lack access to communities of people like them, and are forced to hide their identity to avoid stigma and discrimination. We believe it’s time for that to end. Here's how:

 

1. -- Change how the world perceives ethical non-monogamy by advancing cultural acceptance and representation

2. -- Improve the practice of ethical non-monogamy by empowering communities, sharing knowledge, and building resources

3. -- Grow the power of the ethically non-monogamous movement in order to gain rights and protections, support aligned movements, and shape a more just and loving world.
   
   OPEN is a small but mighty network of community leaders, advocates, professionals, and more working to foster the grassroots movement to normalize ethical non-monogamy. Stay tuned for the launch of our legislative campaigns, Non-monogamy Day of Visibility, events, and more!

Who are these people?

The three co-founders are Brett Chamberlin, a sustainability activist and mover & shaker for nonprofits (executive director); Sheila (Shade) DeBlonk, a political-campaign professional (board president); and Bryan (Lefty) DeBlonk, previously a lobbyist and political-campaign operative. The board of directors includes the respected poly-community figures Heath Schechinger (co-founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition and co-chair of the American Psychological Association's Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-monogamy); Luna Ray (founder and CEO of Bloom Community); and William Winters (founder, Bonobo Network).

Chamberlin shares his own story of how the project came together at the end of this post.¹

So it looks like they've got a capable crew. They've raised over $10,000 to get rolling, and crowdfunding continues. Sign up to get on the mailing list for news and "opportunities to help grow the movement."

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What they're trying to become has been a long time coming.

Based on a revelatory, life-changing possibility, the polyamory movement has accomplished an amazing amount since it took shape 35 or so years ago. This happened slowly at first, then surprisingly fast in the last 10 or 15 years. And it happened with very little support structure, just a few small and scattered institutions, and practically no money.

The movement has never had a seriously effective broad organization of its own. That's what Loving More magazine set out to be 28 years ago when print magazines were king, but in the internet era its work pretty much condensed to putting on two conventions a year and smaller retreats, as well as media relations, webinars, and some local chapters. Loving More remains a two-person, part-time operation. The Polyamory Leadership Network started in 2008 at New York's Poly Pride Weekend with great hopes among activists to network and collaborate on projects. Dozens of ideas for projects emerged at the PLN's organizational meeting of 64 people in February 2009, but it soon became clear that ideas were cheap; volunteers willing and able to carry them to fruition were few. The PLN soon settled into what it has remained: a loose Google Group discussion list, increasingly diffused amid the growth of other social media and the widening of the poly world.

There are solid poly-friendly nonprofits like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, and others, but they are not poly-specific. Special-focus organizations have recently sprung up, such as the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition and the Chosen Family Law Center, but these have their own particular focuses. The new Polyamory Foundation grants money to projects that other people and groups carry out; as a non-operating foundation it runs none of its own.

I can't think of any social-change movement of our size and popularity that doesn't have at least one big, strong organization, nonprofit or otherwise, helping to make it go.

Could that finally change?

-----------------------------------------

1.  I asked Brett Chamberlin how OPEN came to be. He wrote back this:

As to your question about our origin, I'm delighted to share more – and I hope you won't mind if I tell you that story from a bit of a personal perspective.

I'm a lifelong activist and organizer who for the last ten years has been working in sustainability advocacy, with a focus on waste and consumerism. I co-founded a national nonprofit (Post-Landfill Action Network), led the global grassroots distribution for an Emmy-winning documentary film ("The Story of Plastic,"), and even made a couple television appearances (CNN, NBC). But over the last couple years, I started to feel a bit like a cog in the nonprofit industrial complex. Although I was proud of the work I was doing, I felt like I was lacking a deep personal connection to the issues I was serving, and couldn't shake the sense that I was replaceable.

Meanwhile, I was leading somewhat of a double life as I found myself immersing deeper into the Bay Area polyamory and sex-positive culture. Through these communities, I was discovering new ways to heal and better myself, to care for those around me, and to love and be loved in new abundance. I came to feel that poly culture's emphasis on authentic connection, mutual growth, consent and communication, radical inclusion, transformative justice, compassion, and more were precisely the medicine that our society so deeply needs. 

The deeper I immersed myself into the culture of ethical non-monogamy, the more I became convinced of both the opportunity and need for deep organizing work in this space. I saw how many of my peers were forced to hide their identity and intimate relationships for fear of losing their jobs – even in progressive states like California! I also saw how much power and passion was present in our communities, and felt that the national ethically non-monogamous population could be mobilized to bring new energy into the broader struggles for social, economic, environmental, and racial justice. In short, I began to feel called to this work. 

As part of that journey, I began having more substantive conversations with my community leaders and "poly elders" about these topics – in particular, with Lefty and Shade, who ultimately became my co-founders on this project. Lefty and Shade (a married, polyamorous couple) are central leaders of the "And Then There's Only Love" Burning Man camp, which produces the Orgy Dome. They also happen to be political consultants based in Sacramento, who had their own experience leading a "double life" until they were "outed" in the national media thanks to an article in Drudge Report. They really validated the social impact lens that I was applying to this space, and affirmed that founding an organization to advance this work could indeed be viable.

In October 2021 I left my full-time job at the environmental nonprofit where I had been serving for five years. Shortly after the new year, I started convening meetings with Lefty and Shade to sketch out what would ultimately grow into OPEN; I also started reaching out to other politically-minded polyamorous leaders like Heath [Schechinger] and William Winters (Bonobo Network). To be clear, I don't mean to center myself too much in that telling. I view myself as a steward of a shared vision, who just happened to be lucky enough to be in the right place in my life to take this on, with a relevant background in social impact movement building and nonprofit leadership, and some incredible support and mentorship from our founding team (and my partners and broader community). I am humbled to be in this position, and am working hard to honor this opportunity and the broader community that OPEN exists to serve.

That's my story! Hope you don't mind the essay or the personal framing. Alan, thank you again for your instrumental support for this new enterprise – I'm deeply grateful for your support, and look forward to more collaboration ahead.

For a more loving world,

Brett Chamberlin

--------------------------------------

UPDATE:

Gotta hand it to these folks, they know how to do publicity. Their press release to the New York Times provoked a story in the Style section: Non-Monogamy Advocates Ask Facebook to Be More Open (June 17). The whole thing:

A group supporting those who practice polyamory and other forms of “ethical non-monogamy” want more relationship-status options on Facebook.

By Valeriya Safronova

A group that supports ethical non-monogamy sent an open letter to Meta on Thursday calling for Facebook to allow users to list more than one relationship status in their profiles.

The letter, which was initiated by the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, or OPEN, said that Facebook’s current policy is “arbitrary” and “exclusionary.” Signees included leaders of groups like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the Center for Positive Sexuality.

A spokesman for Meta said the company was reviewing the letter and noted that one of the statuses that users can choose on Facebook is “in an open relationship.” The change the petitioners are asking for would allow them to list all of their romantic partners.

About 20 percent of people say they have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy, according to a 2017 study. Today, the term encompasses “a bajillion niche terms,” according to Brett Chamberlin, the executive director of OPEN. The most well-known terms include “polyamory,” which means dating multiple people at the same time [No, it means multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and agreement of everyone --Ed.], and “swinging,” which describes when people in relationships exchange partners with each other [sometimes].

A newer entry is “relationship anarchy,” in which participants break down all the expected norms involved in romantic relationships and subscribe only to rules established by the people involved. [Okay, she got one right.]

“Ethical non-monogamy is nothing new, but technologies like the internet have made it easier for people to build communities and pursue lifestyles that may not have been accepted in a mainstream culture before,” Mr. Chamberlin said.

Today, people interested in opening their relationships can turn to podcasts and polyamory coaches for advice, and join dating apps like Feeld and #open to meet like-minded others. Consensual non-monogamy has even reached Vogue magazine, where one writer asked: “Is Monogamy Over?” [No, only the magazine's headline writer wrote that; it was clickbait.]

People have become more public about their non-monogamous relationships, too, writing articles and social media posts about their experiences.

Last month, Taylor Frankie Paul, a TikTok star with 3.6 million followers, talked about her open marriage in a livestream. Ms. Paul, a member of the Mormon Church, told viewers that she and her husband and some of their friends would engage in “soft swinging,” in which “you don’t fully switch and go all the way.” Ms. Paul also said that she and her husband were currently in the process of getting a divorce, partly prompted by Ms. Paul’s decision to break the rules of their agreement.

The most prominent people who have publicly discussed their experiences with non-monogamy may be Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Last year Mr. Smith told GQ about a period during which his marriage was open.

“We have given each other trust and freedom, with the belief that everybody has to find their own way,” the actor said. “And marriage for us can’t be a prison.” Willow Smith, the couple’s daughter, spoke about being polyamorous on “Red Table Talk,” a show she hosts with her mother and grandmother.

Part of the shift toward more acceptance could be generational. In a YouGov poll that surveyed about 1,340 people and asked them to describe their “ideal relationship” along a scale from “completely monogamous” to “completely non-monogamous,” 43 percent of millennials said their ideal relationship would be at least somewhat non-monogamous, compared with 30 percent of Gen Xers and 25 percent of baby boomers.

Despite the growing normalization of non-monogamy as a practice, Mr. Chamberlin said, many people who engage in it still fear being public about their lifestyles.

“You could be fired from your job, denied housing or lose a custody battle based on the structure of your intimate relationships,” he said. The goal of his organization, which he and two others founded in April, is to raise awareness and create more acceptance of non-monogamous relationships.

“Over the long run, one of the projects of culture and society is giving people more space to be in the consensual relationships they choose,” he said. He pointed to the movement for L.G.B.T.Q. rights as one of those projects. Consensual non-monogamy, he added, “is the next chapter.”

And now the Times article is prompting coverage other places: Yahoo News, the UK's Independent, the Times of India, Quartz, and elsewhere.

  

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Kitchen Table polyamory – or Garden Party, Parallel, or a polyfamily? And other polyam in the news.

●  A Poly-Styles 101 article has popped up on The Body ("the AIDS/HIV resource for 27 years," with scores of partner organizations): Kitchen Table and Garden Party Polyamory: What Is the Difference?  (June 2)

Happy Pride Month  (iStock/FG Trade)

By Gigi Engle

What’s really special about polyamory is its commitment to nuance. There are so many different polycule (romantic network) configurations based on relationship style and boundaries, which makes it a highly customizable way to love. And for some, this is very appealing.

...Different terminology for one’s style of love can help people build the relationship they want within their specific lifestyle....“There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a polycule,” [says] Ryn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer.... “It’s hard to predict how a particular dynamic will impact us emotionally.”

...Enter two related but separate kinds of polyamorous relationships: kitchen table polyamory (KTP) and garden party polyamory (GPP).

KTP relationships refer to when [members of] a triad, quad, or polycule all have close relationships with one another. In GPP, the members of the group do not have close relationships with one another, but metamours (your partner’s partners) do choose to come together to celebrate big events in their partner’s lives.

...This contrasts with parallel polyamory, wherein metamours don’t interact with each other. “Still, everyone is aware of each other’s existence in parallel polyamory,” [says Zachary] Zane. “No one is lying to each other, [though] the metamours [may not] have any form of relationship with one another.”

...The way to know which kind of polyam is right for you takes open and honest communication about how you want to live and love as a polyamorous person. Every single human in a polycule deserves to have their boundaries respected, a thing Zane tells us is crucial in order to have successful ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationships. No kind of polyamory is better than any other. It’s about learning what you want and what you don’t want. All love is good love, as long as everyone is treated with dignity and respect. ...

A glaring absence here is the next step along the closeness spectrum, family-style polyamory. Some threes, fours or more bond to share their lives together, regardless of whatever are the sex links within the group. (Many long-term, cohabiting triads and quads are all hetero.) Some polyfamilies consider themselves to be group marriages — sometimes holding totally wedding-y commitment ceremonies and using language like "my husbands."

When you ask a bunch of polyfolks — at a convention workshop, for instance — to describe the life-setup of their dreams, the most common ideal you usually hear is close polyfamily embedded in a larger community. At least among con-goers.

But as T. S. Eliot said, "Between the idea and the reality, falls the shadow." It's hard enough for two people to find each other as excellent serious partners. It's exponentially harder for three or more — and then someone may realize this isn't quite what they wanted after all. Which must be respected no matter what. "Let your relationships be what they are," goes the old poly wisdom, and appreciate them for what they are — regardless of your ideal.

●  Remember Book Karnjanakit? She's the cartoonist from Thailand, now in Baltimore, who got published in the Washington Post's women's magazine The Lily last October with the illustrated I used to think there was one way to have a relationship. Then I discovered polyamory.

Now she's back, and on the Post website itself: How I overcome jealousy in my polyamorous relationship (May 29). Here are panels 1, 6, 8 and 9 of the 10:

●  Three days earlier, the WaPo's in-house advice columnist Carolyn Hax fielded a fret from an elderly mom: Parent has ‘grave misgivings’ about daughter’s polyamorous marriage (May 26). Her advice is good IMO.

Our only child, a daughter in her early 40s, married, with two young children, recently told us she had a polyamorous marriage. She hinted about it frequently for a year and then I asked her directly. The issue seems to have now completely dictated a shallow level of communication between us. She sent me a bunch of articles to read about the wonders of polyamory. [I hope this site helped! –Ed.]

Nick Galifianakis / Washington Post

...Grave misgivings fill my head and heart. She is very sensitive to anything that feels like criticism and always has been thin-skinned. The children are pre-hormone so I assume this is going undetected on their level. She has told me I need to practice acceptance.

I am concerned about the future. We do whatever we can to love and support the grandchildren, but I don’t know how to navigate the future with the knowledge I have. ... 

— Concerned

You treat her as your daughter. Which means, override your impulse to judge her and navigate the future by the usual standards. Care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and don’t offer advice unless asked.

...She is wrong on one point for sure; you don’t “need” to accept anything, any more than she “needs” to conduct her marriage to your standards.

...Frame it this way: IF your concerns for the future are founded, then your maintaining a solid relationship with your daughter and her children will be of utmost importance.

And the path to a solid relationship with your daughter is, all together now: to care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and not offer advice unless asked. I.e., wipe the judgy off the face.

●  India is the non-western country where modern egalitarian polyamory has caught on most firmly. Lots of past examples in Indian media (scroll down). Here are five more, starting with this one just out:

–  In Feminism in India, When My Partner And I Decided To Date Other People — Navigating Polyamory In Delhi  (June 6). It's long. Excerpts:

Intimacy in our minds is neatly fit into monogamy versus exclusively physical intimacy, although I wanted something which transcended these. 

Shreya Tingal for Feminism In India

By Shardha Rajam

When my partner and I decided to start seeing other people, I was excited. I had wanted to do this for a long time and knew in my heart that monogamy did not appeal to me. ...Quite apart from the physical intimacy, I wanted to experience what I did not know how to verbalise back then.

...Once we started... I realised that my partner and I were navigating through very different realities. While he had trouble getting women to trust him as a stranger in a misogynistic city, that was the only impediment he faced. For me, online dating applications often meant creepy men showing up at my doorstep unannounced. Men telling me I was, “cheating on my partner” and giving moral lectures about it. And, of course, men who did not understand consent.

...I thought of connecting with known men, hoping the common circles would enforce some degree of accountability and prevent non-consensual behaviour. ... However, known men were often disrespectful of consent too, and this regularly gave rise to more complications with respect to confidentiality.

...I was also not keen on verbalising my desire for the kind of intimacy I wanted, given our culture’s swift dismissal of any non-physical intimacy as clinginess without probing a blurred, more ambiguous form which fit into neither category.

...The Indian urban landscape has rarely been a space for women to exercise their sexuality — from my mobility to my clothes, to who my partner was with, and my own profile on a dating app — everything was open for questioning from different avenues, and masked as “safety concerns”. 

But it got better.

Although it did result in some unpleasant experiences, being non-monogamous introduced me to affectionate and genuinely caring people — people who were unabashed about their vulnerabilities, and did not hide behind cautious banter. As an ambivert myself, romantically meeting people encouraged me to move far out of my comfort zone — and introduced me to people I would simply not have met otherwise.

I met journalists, graphic designers, artists, photographers, lawyers and MBA graduates, PhD candidates, and legal researchers. My experience also reaffirmed my belief that romantic love need not be restricted to one partner — it was beautiful each time I found the intimacy I craved, and as I watched people unravel their own defences, each time I listened to realities and insecurities I would not have imagined them having, I formed a rapport deeper than friendship.

Shardha is a lawyer whose areas of interest include gender, social inequality and feminist legal studies. She can be found on LinkedIn and Twitter.

–  In the Deccan Chronicle, The new trend is Polyamorous Relationships (May 7, 2021):

By Nivi Shrivastava

...Designer Aman Bajaj, 43, who identifies himself as heterosexual and polyamorous, explains: “Polyamory is an evolutionary process for me, and each day I learn something new by accepting my true feelings for people. ... I feel polyamory is absolutely natural and everyone is polyamorous to some extent. ... It is also about acknowledging your true feelings and being mindful and respectful about the way other people feel.

Thirty-four-year-old Anika Verma, working in the creative and gender development sector... identifies herself as pansexual and polyamorous. ... “It’s all about accepting your feelings and acting on them with respect and trust. ... I had too much love to give and I didn’t want to lie about it or cheat.... Once I communicated this to [my husband] and my family, we made an arrangement to never hide anything from each other.”

“The most important factor about polyamory is to build trust and let the relationship grow organically with your partner,” says Aman.... in acknowledging your true emotions.”

–  In the Assam Sentinel, Indians Speak On Open Relationships And Polyamory (Jan. 18):

...Open relationships and polyamory are gradually buzzing in college campuses, Reddit threads as well as in therapy sessions. ... Polyamory is the situation when partners can engage in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. It is ethical and responsible non-monogamy where no one is in a single committed relationship. But, in a largely conservative society like India, there is a considerable taboo attached to these concepts. ...

Harsh and Yashika feel that any individual should not be judged for their choices and have cited that people have the right to do whatever they feel like doing within the parameters of the law. Yashika feels that many people are trapped in this bubble that one can only ever love one person. ...

–  In the Free Press Journal of Mumbai, Unlocking Your Intimacy: Three is not a crowd! (Jan. 23). This thoughtful, informed advice to a reader could have appeared on any good poly-community blog or discussion site. 

By Aili Seghetti

Q: My husband and I have been in an open marriage for two years. I really want my husband to meet my partners and do stuff together but he is not very keen. He prefers meeting partners without me and I often get jealous. I feel he is keeping things secret. What should I do?

Ans: You want to practice ‘Kitchen Table’ polyamory, while your husband prefers ‘Parallel’ polyamory. Both are ethical non-monogamy preferences based on your personality traits, attachment styles and the current relationship you have with each other.

Sometimes couples open up their relationships because they have a strong need for independence. When partners feel that they need space and time for themselves, it is usually a sign that they have merged too much with each other. For any relationship to last you need to maintain a delicate balance of connection and autonomy.

Currently your husband enjoys his relationships running in parallel, no interactions between metamours. It is great he is expressing his need for autonomy and his boundaries. What are yours? ... Speak about a middle ground with him.... It would be interesting to see what exactly you want to know about his lovers. This will be a great opportunity for you to understand where your insecurities lie. ...

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com)

– And in ED Times ("Economy Decoded"), a youth publication, What Does Gen-Z Think About The Rise In Polyamorous Relationships?

Polyamorous relationships are relatively new to India but the possibility of having a consensual, non-monogamous relationship is catching on.

India has seen a rise in the number of polyamorous relationships recently, so we asked some individuals about their opinion, here is what they said.

[Two opinions out of many:]

  

Sticker for cohabiting polyfamilies

●  Meanwhile, the amount of poly-themed merch even just on Etsy has exploded. Search there on polyamory polyamorous metamour polycule and you get 703 shirts, flags, stickers, pins, cards, hats, earrings, pendants, coffee cups, Christmas tree ornaments....

I remember when this little pin seemed to be the only one you could find at all. It's from 2005. My first. Thank you Jak and Karawynn, the vendors.

●  The TikTok vids have become uncountable. The quality pyramid is what you'd expect, so here's Ali Wunderman's 10 Polyamory Experts to Follow on TikTok, as published in Cosmopolitan.

●  The annual round of polyamory conventions, retreats, campouts, and other gatherings is starting to open up again in hopes that the pandemic recedes. Some conferences remain online in whole or in part; many have a proof-of-vaccination requirement and/or other Covid protocols. See Alan's List of Polyamory Events for the next 12 months, frequently updated.   

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And the wider picture. Shit will get real. 

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Some people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness. Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to protect the rights of all.

People and communities who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their own lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received more pagereads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukrainian relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. (Avoid scams.)

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But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetimes.

(See also, for instance, Tom Friedman's I Thought Putin Invaded Only Ukraine. I Was Wrong.)

The coming times are going to require hard things of us right here. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be ready.

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Loud. Another version.

More, you want? Just some guys near Kharkiv the other day helping to hold onto a free and open society, a shrinking thing in the world. (The tossed grenade seems to have saved them.) Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops. For you, and for us. Even if he didn't realize it at the time.

Bravery takes other forms. For instance. And this. Or cartoon animator Oleg Kuvaev. His Masyanya was a popular family series in Russia for years, South Park style. Then, after the start of the war in February, he put out Episode 160. The raucous, oval-headed mom dumps the "no politics" rule ("So this is the result of your No Politics!" says her partner. "It's our fault.") and toward the end she barges in on Putin and presents him a blistering lecture and a hara-kiri sword to solve his problems. No spoilers what comes next. English subtitles. Kuvaev is out of Russia, the series remains up via overseas backups, and Russian authorities have implied they will hunt down the backups and wipe them. Don't drink any polonium tea, guy.

Remember, these people say they're doing it for us too. They are correct. The situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The global fight between a free, open future and a terrible return to the dark past past that is shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages (start at the 3rd paragraph there).  The outcome is uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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BTW, it's safer to say a thing if people around you say it too. What this audience is chanting in St. Petersburg is Khuy voinyeh, "Fuck the war," potentially worth a 15-year prison sentence.

 

San Petersburgo en el concierto del grupo Kis-Kis unánimemente muestran su rechazo a la guerra #Russia pic.twitter.com/L3bMjUaKl4

— pinov-Rusia (@juancarlospinov) May 21, 2022

Some person in that crowd started it. Maybe you can be a first mover too. Or the first reactor to a first mover, just as crucial. When the moment appears, remember not to flinch. We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do, vote.

 

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