"What I learned from dating someone in an open marriage"

Salon

More good press from the mono side of the fence. Let's give a big thank-you to Charles in the story and the other polyfolks who made such a good impression on the author. Acceptance and recognition will come by us earning this kind of respect from the people around us.

What I learned from dating someone in an open marriage

I ended up choosing monogamy, but my time on the poly fringes gave me a healthy new perspective on love and sex.

By Nicola Jane

Discpicture / Shutterstock

“When they leave me, it’s usually for The One,” my lover, Charles, said. I was gushing about the new man in my life, and Charles was adjusting admirably to the news. But then, he had to. That’s the deal for a man in a polyamorous, open marriage who dates multiple partners.

It came as no surprise to me, either, that I met The One while I was involved with Charles. Despite the doom-mongering from friends and family about dating a married man, I knew I was more open to falling in love than I had ever been. I can’t count the number of times I heard “You’re wasting your time” or “You’ll never meet anyone else.” But buoyed by the confidence and happiness that comes from a healthy relationship, I was more able to recognize and accept the right guy when he came along. And my experiences on the periphery of non-monogamy taught me a lot about relationships, lessons I’m applying in my new, monogamous relationship.

1. You will be attracted to people outside your relationship.

...Acknowledging this inevitability means my boyfriend and I can deal with it from within our relationship instead of pretending we’ll only ever have eyes (and maybe hands and lips and everything else) for each other.

2. Trust is more than just monogamy.

...Small children who regularly see their parents going out and returning are more secure than those who aren’t used to being left alone....

3. The only way to have complete trust is to talk about everything....

4. The biggest threat to a relationship is you, not other people.

Happily partnered people don’t leave for someone else....

5. Your partner is not enough....

6. Your partner needs to know how important they are to you....

7. It’s not a competition.

...Dating Charles meant I had to reconcile myself to being one of many, but I also discovered that did nothing to lessen my appeal. I stopped resenting other women or seeing them as competition, because I wasn’t going to lose what I had if he was with them, too. As a result, I’m much more at ease with other women than I was before, which is a good thing for every aspect of my life....

8. Expectations are everything.

When I first got involved with Charles, he outlined the small print. He would never leave his wife. He would only stay over by pre-arrangement.... With my expectations managed, I didn’t run into brick walls trying to make the relationship something it wasn’t. I was free to enjoy all the things it did provide....

9. The end isn’t The End.

Poly relationships have more ebb and flow and more overlap. Things are more likely to develop into something else than to end. Charles is friends with all his previous lovers. I’ve always hated mine in the end or, at the very minimum, felt a lack of interest bordering on hate. But Charles and I haven’t had any breakup drama to go through – merely an adjustment. And he’s as delighted for me as I am grateful to him for clearing my head of the bad relationship habits monogamy led me into....

That’s quite a lot of lessons learned from some “wasted time.”

Read the whole article (July 27, 2014).

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