"Polyamory, unicorns, demisexuality: Five takes on monogamy and its alternatives"

A show on Australia's ABC public radio network called The People vs ("where the people debate the ethics of one thorny issue") did a one-hour "The People vs Monogamy" on September 30th. (Listen or download here.) Then yesterday the network posted a web article with extended quotes from the five folks profiled.

It's all less edgy than the title, but it models acceptance of diversity for its mainstream audience. Excerpts:

Is monogamy outdated? We asked five different people. (Pixabay: Gisela Merkuur)

 
Polyamory, unicorns, demisexuality: Five takes on monogamy and its alternatives

By Sue Daniel and Georgia Power

...It seems open relationships are having a moment. ... "The People vs" asked a panel of five people the question: Is monogamy simply outdated?

'Monogamy does not come naturally'

[Dan] Savage says, "One of the problems with monogamy is the unrealistic expectations that we attach to it.

"We conflate monogamous behaviour, successfully executed over five decades, with the sincerity of someone's commitment, with love. A relationship can be sexually exclusive, [but also] abusive, where both parties treat each other with contempt."

Savage has as "an evangelical mission" to reframe monogamy so couples understand that while they may struggle with infidelity, they can also survive it. ...

'It's called demisexual'

Erielle Sudario, from western Sydney, [says], "I have my own views on sex and basically I want to do it with someone I really trust, with someone I'm close with. I'm pretty sure there's a term for it, it's called demisexual or demi-romanticism, and I identify with that aspect of the asexual spectrum."

People who are demisexual/demi-romanticist need to feel a strong emotional connection before feeling sexual attraction. ...

'Hey, maybe this isn't for me'

Stephen Holden... would like to see more open discussion about how difficult it can be to challenge the cultural norm of monogamy. ... He says its taken him more than 50 years to realise that maybe, it's not for him.

..."I'm a little bothered at how difficult it is for people to explore, discuss and to be honest about the fact that 'hey maybe this isn't for me'. I would love to see people more open to that."

Mind meld? Monogamous for life

Peter McCarthy married his high school sweetheart Toria, and they have been together for 40 years. If anything happened to her, he doubts he could ever marry again. ... He references the third mind, a concept where life partners begin to think and feel as one.

'The worst problem is deception'

Columnist, author and dating expert Kerri Sackville [says] "The worst problem is deception, and whether you choose to be in a monogamous relationship or in an open or polyamorous relationship and workshop or talk through your challenges, that's going to be the best option."

The whole article (October 10, 2018).

And here are two more items from Australia since my last batch of them:

● In Melbourne's city magazine The Weekly Review, Three’s not a crowd: The rise of polyamory (May 30, 2018)

(No information or credit)

By Kirsten Robb

When Diane Cameron told people she was polyamorous ten years ago, she always got the same reaction.

“When I used to say, ‘I’m poly’, I’d get a lifted eyebrow and I’d have to explain it,” the life coach says. “But nowadays, I get a shrug or a ‘me too’. I don’t have to spend a half hour explaining to someone I’m not morally corrupt or full of STIs”.

To the monogamous heterosexuals amongst us, it might seem like non-monogamy is suddenly in vogue. If you use dating apps, you might be surprised by the amount of people listing “poly” or “non-monog” in their profile. You may have even seen articles in the newspaper, or Netflix programs with polyamorous plotlines.

But has there actually been a rise in non-monogamous relationships, or is there just a cultural shift in the way we talk about it?

“Polyamory is nothing new,” says Cameron, a relationship coach specialising in polyamorous relationships. “I think what’s new, is the fact we can talk about it a bit more and the fact that the glorious internet gives us the ability to meet like minded people.” ...

(More white-duvet feet, now with nail polish!)

 
...“It does require you to do a lot of work and be really vulnerable,” Alex* says. “It requires you doing a lot of introspection about why you’re having certain feelings and be honest about them.”

But jealousy, secrets, or even that uncomfortable feeling you get when your partner is getting close to someone else – these feelings aren’t specific to non-monogamous relationships. In fact, many in the poly world say that having to operate in a way that acknowledges those feelings actually minimises harm.

“This is just a way for getting through those situations that have always existed, with the largest amount of respect and love for the people around you,” says Alex. “We’re not trying to create a new way of living [Ahem, oh yes, some of us are! –Ed.], it’s a way to talk about it and hurt people less.”

● The Murdochs' News Corp. publications ran this just before the last Sexpo Melbourne: Bradford and Angela Atom are teaching Australians how to be in successful open relationships (Nov. 17, 2017)

A BISEXUAL married couple had done the “normal” married thing. It didn’t work out. This is why they turned to being swingers.

By Vanessa Brown

WHEN Angela and Bradford met for the first time and subsequently started dating, there was a big condition for their relationship to work.

It had to be open.

...Mr and Mrs Atom, from Raleigh in North Carolina, are both bisexual and have been married for three and a half years, moved to Australia after Bradford received a job opportunity too good to pass up.

Both working in the science field, the international move allowed the pair to have a clean slate and be completely open about their relationship from the get go.

“When we moved, we got a free pass to restart everything. When we arrived, we made it a point to be open and honest with everyone about our relationship. ...

The pair, who now live in Sydney and run adult sexual education classes in addition to their full time jobs, said every open relationship was different — but they tend to see other couples together.

“It’s a fun experience, but the key to any successful open relationship is a strong basis of communication and trust,” Mr Atom said. ... This is much more than just sex. ...

...Mr and Mrs Atom saw a gap in adult sexual education market, and made the decision 18 months ago to launch By the Bi — which teaches couples and singles everything they’ve wanted to know about sex, but haven’t felt confident or comfortable enough to ask.

“A lot of people in the 25 to 50 year old age group get their sexual education from porn,” Mr Atom said. “That’s like getting life information from an Avengers movie. ...”

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