Polyamory's maturing position in American life. "Why Gen Z are Ditching Monogamy" while others are hot for celibacy. Advice columns, doctor training, and other poly in the news.

First,

●  Tonight (Friday July 19) through Sunday bring the final events for the Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy. The schedule of events, both virtual and in-person, worldwide. 

Many of the 18 virtual events have already happened. But of the 29 in-person events, 21 happen tonight, Saturday, or Sunday. Check for any near you.

The annual Week of Visibility project is coordinated by the ambitious activists at OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, now two years old.

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●  Polyamory's maturing position in American life. Newspaper advice columnists have reflected and shaped mass attitudes for at least 140 years. My current favorite is Carolyn Hax at the Washington Post. She just fielded a mother's anxious question about her daughter getting into a fraught polyfamily mess if she adopts the future baby of her two partners as a legal third parent/guardian.

Hax treats this situation as ordinary, as if everyone knows that polyfamilies are what some people do. Mom worries about daughter’s family plans with polyamorous couple (June 23).

....Your daughter’s domestic arrangements are not for you (or me) to fix for her, and your feelings are not for your daughter to fix for you.

...Your responses so far to her news have blurred these lines. (In a food-processor kind of way.) Unless she asked your opinion, your warnings and concerns were incursions into her business. ... A would-be grandmother is no more entitled to weigh in on an adult’s family planning than anyone else.

Plus, um, the thing you carefully composed as, “Are you sure you’re ready for the big life changes?” always comes out as, “You shouldn’t have a baby!” Always. Ask anyone who has been on the receiving end.

...You were right to make one point, even if she already knew it: lawyer. Laws and families are evolving. Plus, the wise leave neither their hearts nor their children’s custody to chance.

Last thing, for you: If you ever think there’s no place for you amid younger generations because they’ve changed too much, then the mistake is yours. Adapt, or don’t; not one digit of that math has changed.

●  Another advice column dealing with conflict between adult generations, in Slate's "Care and Feeding": My Child Just Told Me They’re in an Open Relationship. I’m Disgusted (June 16). "They’re making a mockery of my marriage."

Michelle Herman explains some realities and closes, 

"Your kid’s life—all of your [adult] kids’ lives—are theirs to make of what they wish; their choices are not a referendum on yours. I think coming to see that is how you get to be “a parent of 2024.”

●  Media don't get more mass-market than People magazine. From its website: Mom Opens Up About Realities of Raising Kids While in Open Marriage with Husband of 14 Years (July 3). Danielle and her husband have experimented with monogamy a couple of times, but only as a passing phase.  For instance,

..."I was dating three people at once, which is way too many, because that's essentially four relationships, plus the relationships that I have with my two kids and family and friends," she recalls. "Dating that many people in that phase of my life took away from my other relationships ... and that was a lesson learned. It is not something I will repeat."

...But no matter the state or phase of her marriage, Danielle maintains that their two children — ages 7 and 10 — always come first: "If my dating life is impacting the time that I spend with my kids when my kids need me, then I don't date," she says.

Danielle of @OpenlyCommitted

..."I think the main way that non-monogamy impacts me as a parent is other people's perceptions of my relationship, not my actual relationship," she says.

Overall, she feels that non-monogamy makes her a "more energetic, positive parent."

"I feel like dating gives me energy. It gives me a lot of joy. I'm an extrovert. I love meeting people. Dates are really fun," the author tells PEOPLE. "I'm so fortunate that I still have wonderful dates with my husband, and I also get to have fun dates with other people too."

...Non-monogamy also allows Danielle space to explore interests that she doesn't share with her husband, like her more outdoorsy inclinations. "I was recently dating someone who absolutely adores going on a 12-hour hike with me," she says. "That gives me energy. That gives me joy. And I get to bring that energy home into my family."

She posts as OpenlyCommitted on TikTik, where she has 200,000 followers.

 

● The trans/nonbinary romance author TJ Alexander hits the bigtime, if getting interviewed for The Today Show's website qualifies:  ‘Triple Sec’ is one of romance's 1st polyamorous rom-coms. Its author hopes it's not the last. (July 8) (I have no financial interest in this or any other product.)

T. J. Alexander wanted to write a "fun, flirty and funny" version of polyamory, not "an angsty portrayal of how difficult it is."

 

By Elena Nicolaou

Mel, a tattooed bartender nursing her wounds from a divorce, finds love again with Bebe, an employment lawyer. The catch? Bebe is already married, and has an open relationship with her spouse, Kade, a nonbinary artist.

Alexander, who uses they/them pronouns, is a rising star in the contemporary romance world, writing books that center queer characters.

...While there are are polyamorous configurations in romance and erotica novels, “Triple Sec” is notable in that it’s one of the first, if not the first, in the contemporary romance space. Alexander hopes “Triple Sec” is a joyful, and not vexed, look at polyamory.

Today:  What was your intention with this book?

TJ:  I was aware that this was going to be, in a lot of ways, the first kind of romance of its kind traditionally published here. I was like, ‘We have a responsibility. We do not have the narrative plentitude to fall back on.’ I had to make sure that it’s not this lurid, scandalous kind of portrayal (of polyamory), or an angsty portrayal of how difficult it is. I wanted it to be a fun, flirty and funny, more of a gentle take. Most of the real life poly people I know are just normal people eating chips, not angsting over their relationship 24/7.

It’s like a love triangle but the opposite. 

When I pitched this book, I was like, “Here’s what this book isn’t going to be. It’s not going to be a bunch of love triangles. It’s not going to be about cheating. It’s not going to be a big bummer.”

...There’s a narrative device in the book that we were all very proud of. Communication is such a big component of polyamory. How are we going to show them communicating in a way that’s not, like, a total slog? I landed on the contract that these characters had that gets updated every time the relationship changes or evolves. I don’t think most people need a contract in real life, but for the purposes of this book, we needed it just to, like, keep things moving along.

A lot of times, it seems like when polyamory is mentioned, it’s in the context of relationships being destroyed.

I was very naively unaware. I think because I’m queer, I don’t know what straight people are doing. And so, I remember when I was first drafting out the outline, both my agent and my editor were like, “There have to be points, especially at the start of the book, to show that Bebe and Kate like each other and that polyamory isn’t something that like they’re they’re doing to try and get away from each other.”

And I was like, “What are you talking about? Why would someone do that?” They explained it to me. The guy opens up the relationship, and then the woman actually gets more attention,  and he gets all upset. This was fascinating to me. I, again, very naively, didn’t understand that. Oh, that’s what a lot of straight people experience with polyamory. Hilarious. I was like, “Oh, they’re doing it wrong.” I will make it very, very clear that these people actually like each other. I was so blown away by that.

...It’s not my job to hold everybody’s hand and explain the facts of life to them. But I do think I have a responsibility to readers who are coming to something for the first time. The best way to do that, and the funniest way as well, is to do it through the point of view of a main character who isn’t as experienced. I wanted her to be kind of our tour guide through this. ...

BTW, although Alexander says "Triple Sec is one of the first, if not the first [poly novel] in the contemporary romance space," and Today repeats this, Goodreads lists 205 "polyamorous romance books" on its site alone, and Alibris offers 525 "romance polyamory fiction books". So I suspect the romance industry's use of "polyamory" is untrustworthy SEO bait. The word isn't supposed to include  stupid old love triangles!

●  Medical Xpress covers research and health news for doctors and other health-care professionals, med students, and patients. It has republished (from The Conversation) 'It made me feel judged': Why it's harder to get sexual health care if you practice consensual non-monogamy (June 18)

By Ryan Scoats and Christine Campbell

Consensual non-monogamy is a surprisingly popular relationship style. ... But many continue to face barriers when accessing sexual health services, our research has shown.

In line with other research, we found stereotypes, myths and a general lack of understanding about consensual non-monogamy all act as potential barriers to health care.

For instance, when they go to their GP or clinic for testing, it's not unusual for them to be met by doctors and nurses who either don't understand their relationships or who actively stigmatize them. Approximately a third of our participants either never, or only sometimes, revealed their relationship style to medical professionals.

...Or they might be treated with outright hostility, with another participant sharing, "One [doctor] considered it a form of cheating and intimate partner violence."

...To our knowledge, no medical students are being trained on how to work with consensually non-monogamous patients.

This has serious implications, as a lack of understanding around consensual non-monogamy can create barriers to patients receiving appropriate health care and building trust with their providers.

Many patients told us about the frustrating interactions they'd had as a result of this lack of knowledge and understanding. ... It's not surprising that participants had significantly lower trust in health care providers than the general population. Nor is it surprising that consensually non-monogamous people are often quite picky about where they seek out sexual health care, as we found in our most recent study.

...To remove these barriers, it's vital doctors and nurses develop a better understanding of consensual non-monogamy and the unique health care needs this group has. But this change needs to come from within institutions. Many who are consensually non-monogamous do not wish to take on the role of relationship educators—especially given the potential risks for stigma. ...

●  From HuffPost UK: We're Love Experts, This Is Why Gen Z Are Ditching Monogamy (July 14)

...Dina Mohammad-Laity [VP of Data at Feeld] revealed that in-house research found that Gen Z tend to be more non-monogamous and single compared to Millennials and Gen X. With 48% of Gen Z identifying as LGBT and non-cisgender [!?!? –Ed.] they are also the most fluid generation on Feeld.

She added: “They are much more open to relationship structures outside monogamy, which has come as a lot more socially embedded for previous generations.”

[Dr Natasha] McKeever and [Dr Luke] Brunning [who direct the the Centre for Love, Sex and Relationships] ...highlighted that with more fluid patterns of working and living in general, it makes sense that younger people are more open to changing norms... they’re more used to trying and doing new things.

They added: “Also, they may have watched their boomer parents’ relationships fail or run into difficulty, and learned that existing relationship norms and practices are not adequate.”

Mohammad-Laity: “The notion that Gen Z is ‘puritanical’ is challenged by the significant interest in non-monogamous relationships within this cohort.... Our introduction of the Celibacy Desire tag, which sparked a 175% increase in social media engagement, further illustrates the wide range of desires and the fluidity that appeals to Gen Z members.”

...The experts highlighted that it is possible to be non-monogamous but still have less sex overall, especially if nonmonogamy facilitates other kinds of intimacy that people value.

And for HuffPost's more conventional readers,

Mohammad-Laity: ...“Monogamous couples can learn from non-monogamous relationships by fostering open and honest communication and vulnerability. By asking questions and staying curious about what moves and affects each other, couples can maintain a deep, adaptive, and resilient bond.”

McKeever and Brunning said [mono couples can learn from ENMers]

– Honest and open communication, and that there are various ways to show love and commitment

– Being open about life complexity and relationship goals

– The need to question received social norms and understand their impact on our states of mind and emotional skills.

– That a decision to be monogamous should be a decision made consciously and reflectively, not just as the default option

– Being flexible with domestic and practical arrangements, being more creative around care labour and childrearing

– Not taking sexual and emotional health for granted

– Distinguishing between disappointment and feeling wronged in a relationship.

●  A bit of blunt dating advice, from a Los Angeles MFM triad, that we need to hear more often: 'We're in a polyamorous relationship - here's the one bit of advice we'd give people' (in the UK's tabloid Mirror, July 15).

Felix, Shannon and Brett (Soft White Underbelly/YouTube)

[When meeting a supposedly open couple,] "make sure they both want it, because I had many, many relationships [say] ‘oh we both want it’. [But] she didn’t want it; she was lying on her husband’s behalf."

As in Polyamory Under Pressure, that sick PUPpy fouling the scene.

Other blunt advice they offer: If you're an MF couple opening up, accept the likelihood that the man gets no online dates while the woman gets lots. The article cites data:

Statistics from Tinder show 75% of its users are men, reports Statista. It says women match with 10% of the people they like, while men match with just 0.6%.

...That's 17 times worse.

● A different bad-poly warning in the UK papers: There’s a new kind of ‘softboi’ in town (The Independent, July 15). A "softboi" is described as a certain very casual hipster dater of any gender, characterized by super-low commitment and an interest in natural wines.

By Lauren Bulla

...This “new look” softboi often has a primary partner that they use as a safety net – yet they still trawl the apps... with little (if any) proper accountability. And in my opinion, this is where we’re going wrong with modern dating. Poly connections should operate in a similar manner to monogamous connections, with the same requirements: communication, directness and honesty.

...I was once on a date with someone who confessed that until they meet a “match” in real life, they don’t see them as an “actual person”. I type this sighing over my keyboard….

...Once, I was on a date and it wasn’t until the end of a bottle of orange wine (of course) that I discovered the person already had a “primary partner”. Oh, but not to worry! She explained they had a loophole: “We could go to a sex party together” and “that would be OK”.

...Our individual choices are our own. The thing I take issue with is those who omit the truth, or who cherry-pick parts of a connection in order to solely benefit them. Here, we see the “trendy” version of polyamory, which doesn’t do this type of relationship justice.

...There’s a difference between really loving and embracing a lifestyle, and co-opting certain parts of it for your own gain. Whatever your life (and love) choices, be upfront. 

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Meanwhile... and not unrelated...

    

Here is why I've been ending posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine: I've seen too many progressive movements die out, or get wiped out, because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside of their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have reasonably good power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now with direct mutual support that is increasingly stated out loud.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, weaponizing police abuse, stacking courts, and sometimes, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, linking up at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional — inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. The whole world is watching what we will do about it. Starting with China, with its eyes on Taiwan.

Background: "The United States has a much higher stake in Russia's war on Ukraine than most people think."  More: "If we stop supporting Ukraine, then everything gets worse, all of a sudden, and no one will be talking about “fatigue” because we will all be talking about disaster."

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. 

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Another version. More? Some people on the eastern front trying to hold onto an open society. (TW: war is awful.) Maybe your own granddad did this from a trench facing Hitler's tanks — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 20th century.

But the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years then, either. Popular history remembers the 1945 victory over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming. Less remembered are the defeats and grim prospects from 1941 through early 1943.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. It's likely to get worse before it gets better. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, ‘A Big Step Back’: In Ukraine, Concerns Mount Over Narrowing Press Freedoms (New York Times, June 18, 2024). And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on that. And they're stamping hard on the old culture of everyday, petty corruption.  More on that.  More; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Writes US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic, 

Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”

They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trust: hromada. It's been keeping them going  to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

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Social attitudes in Ukraine are mostly traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But in the last generation the ideal of modern European civil society has become widely treasured. The status of women has fast advanced, especially post-invasion. More than 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — including as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, snipers, and infantry. Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutions. Another. Another. Another. War changes things.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full material backing for as long as it takes them to win their security, freedom, and future. Continue to speak up for it.

                                     

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."

Women defenders on the world's eastern front

PPS:  U.S. authori-tarians, such as Sen. Ted Cruz, say that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the story of one of their battles near Bakhmut.

Update June 17, 2024: Almost two years later Vidma is still alive, still with her mortar unit, and posting TikToks. They are now at the front in, it looks like, the battle to hold Chasiv Yar, an afternoon's hike east of Bakhmut. A young girl who looks high-school age showed up to join them. Another vid. Their lives, and their promising society, depend on us. 

And maybe our own? Says Maine's independent Senator Angus King (Jan. 31, 2024),

Whenever people write to my office [asking why we are supporting Ukraine,] I answer, 'Google Sudetenland, 1938.' We could have stopped a murderous dictator who was bent on geographic expansion…at a relatively low cost. The result of not doing so was 55 million deaths.

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