Dear Margo prints another poly letter

Many newspapers

Margo Howard, leading newspaper advice columnist, prints a letter from someone arguing that polyamory should be recognized as an inescapable drive that certain people are born with. The letter is cogent, but he makes poly sound like his partner's unfortunate affliction. Margo responds somewhat unsympathetically.

A Question for the Ages

Dear Margo: I have some thoughts on monogamy. Some people are wired to funnel all their attention to one partner, but many are not. If I ask my partner to be true to me at the expense of being true to herself, I am setting myself up for inevitable heartbreak, and more importantly, I am insisting that she engage in unsustainable, self-destructive behavior.

I will concede that most people would struggle mightily to develop the communication and relationship management skills necessary to succeed in open or polyamorous relationships. Many people will fail in such attempts. Can it really be worse to acknowledge someone for who he is and what he needs than to pretend he’s something else entirely? I prefer to be my partner’s only partner, but I have no chance of knowing whether this can happen unless she is free to say she prefers something else without any risk of stigma.

When society stigmatized people who came out as gay, many gay people felt they had to pass for straight as long as possible. Current arrangements are no better for people who were not built to pour all their romantic attention into a single individual. A person’s sense of obligation or morality may overpower libido for weeks or months, but looking at years and decades has never been realistic and never will be. — Somewhere in the Heartland

Dear Some: Some people agree with you that fidelity is based on insincerity, if not pretense. Many others do not, and they choose to live monogamously. I will say this, however, about your analogy: I believe the gay community will clear all the cultural and societal hurdles and prejudices long before the open marriage or polyamory crowds. — Margo, psychically

Here's the original.

Soon as I post this, I'm gonna go weigh in to say that poly is not just about coping with a problem condition.

I have mixed opinions about the whole "I was born hard-wired poly" claim. It does seem to be true for some people. But others, who felt perfectly happy to live a monogamous life (like me), discovered poly by some fluky happenstance — an amazing person entering their lives, or seeing poly friends living well together, and/or by sitting down and making a deliberate philosophical choice for love's enlargement.

And, "I was born this way" can be an easy bullshitter's excuse for bad behavior. Of any kind.

Some of the reader comments on Margo's homepage are pretty good; go join in. You can also mail her directly at dearmargo@creators.com . She's been good about the topic in several past columns.

Here's my friend Anita Wagner's take, on her Practical Polyamory blog.

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Mainstreaming in Dear Margo

A leading advice columnist handles a poly reader's query — about a triad looking for a fourth — seriously and matter-of-factly:

When Three Is Not a Crowd

Dear Margo: I've been in a long-term polyamorous MFM triad with two really wonderful guys for the last four years, one of whom I've been seeing for almost seven. We have a lower-than-average drama quotient than even most dyadic (two person couple) relationships, and are all very happy with each other and our lives. We had always talked about seeking another female mate, but our non-relationship life stuff hadn't really been such that we could devote much time to the endeavor. Now, our lives have finally settled down for the most part, and we've come to realize that none of us can think of a way to approach someone with this. We've tried online and our local poly community as places to look for dates, to no avail. I realize that it will be difficult to find someone who is compatible with all of us, but we need a way to politely put ourselves out there first. Could you give three shy nerds an opener or some advice?

— Wannabe Quad

Dear Wan: You are making this sound like rounding up a fourth for bridge. Although I am not an old hand at figuring out how to be of assistance to the polyamorous, I would recommend that you let life happen. This seems to be the way to go, since you haven't had any luck with what you call your local poly community or online advertising. And it may be that you "three shy nerds" are doing fine as a threesome. I would also like to advise people who disapprove of your lifestyle not to write asking why I didn't tell you this is not "normal" or "moral." I only and always deal with the question asked.

— Margo, non-judgmentally

Read the original (dated July 31, 2009. It got by me when it came out; thanks to GreenFizzpops for the tip.)

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Dear Margo comes through!

Many newspapers

Wow. Margo Howard, a leading newspaper advice columnist, does us a major educational service with a followup to her "Dear Margo" column of three weeks ago. And your letters made it happen!

She issued this new column yesterday (Nov. 22, 2007). It should appear in newspapers in the coming week:

More polyamory...

Dear Readers: I ran a letter from a woman in a polyamorous situation and many people felt my answer was condescending. I apparently did not choose my words carefully, because I have no problem with how consenting adults want to live. I was merely pointing out that the polyamorous lifestyle was by no means mainstream. I received a letter from a clergyman in Houston, the Reverend Storm Weaver, whose letter I would like to share with you because he speaks for me, as well:

"I have a response for 'Happily Poly.' I've spent 25 years providing support and pastoral care for individuals who have chosen 'culturally fringed' lifestyles, including polyamory.

"If Happily and her family came to me, I would tell them the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, so people are going to have an opinion. It is up to her and her family how they respond to those opinions... but they won't stop people from having them. If she lets it get to her, it will compromise the joy she has in her family.

"The success of a complex family style hinges on open, honest communication, and on acknowledging that you are something different, and once you are visible you will be targets for people's curiosity and commentary. Hold on to one another, protect those who really need protecting (whether it's a family partner or a child who is learning how to integrate into a social environment where kids have only two parents, instead of four or six), and never forget that you came to this place in a spirit of love and joy.

"I am encouraged that people like Happily are becoming more visible. For the past 25 years one of my most difficult struggles was in helping people who were terrified to let their alternative family be seen in public. Those days are passing, and those of us who have been involved in this area since early on see the ability to talk about things like polyamory or same-gender-parent families in public as a real blessing.

"Many people will disagree with these choices, and it's unlikely that family groupings like polyamory will ever become 'commonplace,' but knowing that these kinds of families exist, that they are our neighbors and sometimes our friends, that happy families can develop even in groups that are not typical is encouraging. As a longtime proponent of honesty in dealing with familial alternatives, I say, 'Be as happy as you can. Your joy is the thing that will eventually quell the commentary.'"

The column first appeared on Yahoo News.

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Dear Margo weighs in

Many newspapers

"Dear Margo" (Margo Howard, daughter of the late Ann Landers) is one of the top newspaper advice columnists. Today she put out this:

Kind of Like Unofficial Polygamy

DEAR MARGO: I am a very happily married woman with a problem: well-intentioned friends and family. My husband and I are polyamorous and not ashamed of it. We have wonderful girlfriends who are special and a part of our family. The problem is that people assume we are on the verge of divorce, etc. Other than an indelicate "Butt out," is there any way to get them to see that we are really happy and stable? We've been married for five years.

—HAPPILY POLY

(For square readers like me who might need a trip to the dictionary, I will save you some time. "Polyamorous" is the name for multiple sexual relationships within marriage — in this case involving both spouses.)

DEAR HAP: You may not be ashamed of it, but you have to know that this arrangement would strike most people as being somewhere between odd and morally wrong, it being quite far from the norm. I am not sure why you felt the need to breeze it around that you and your husband have "wonderful girlfriends."

Because you have, however, essentially invited people to "butt in," you are a little bit stuck in terms of asking them to butt out. I guess the only way to prove yourselves happy and stable is for you two to continue to thrive with your, uh, wonderful girlfriends.

—MARGO, BEWILDEREDLY

Here's where to write to Margo. But before flaming off, think about what Kit has to say in the discussion now boiling at the LiveJournal Polyamory site: although Margo needs some catching up on what polyamory is (it's not only for married people, and qualifiers like "ethical" and "with full knowledge and agreement of all concerned" need to be in there), the woman who wrote in is inevitably going to get reactions from people close to her if she's out about having an unusual life, so Margo's answer may be on target.

In any case, please write in such a way as to increase respect for us rather than diminish it. "Be a credit to your kink."