magazine and the modern
poly movement itself, brought out the first edition of her
in 1984. (The
word "polyamory" had not yet been invented.) Only five more books appeared in
the next 15 years, then the numbers began to pick up — slowly at first, and
now so fast I can't keep track.
I maintained a guide to all these books, with descriptions, until June
2015 when the tally stood at 42 and the job got too big.
Here's the guide as it stood then. Here are 11 posts I've made since then about 17 more polyam/CNM
books:
1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8,
9,
10,
11.
Now five new ones are out or soon will be:
When I first found out about poly, I decided this thing was only for
low-problem people with super-together heads. Then I saw real-world people
with all the normal problems and wounds and neuroses making it work too, though maybe with special struggles and attention to issues along the way.
Lola Phoenix, and many others, feel that such understandings haven't shown
up properly in many poly guidebooks. So Phoenix has just published
an explicitly trauma-informed guide to poly and CNM. It's an
eye-opener.
From their introduction:
I came to non-monogamy by way of sex-positive communities when I was
trying to reconnect with my body and sexuality after finally really
coming to terms with the sexual abuse I'd been through as a child. A lot
of what sex-positive communities did was encourage questioning things
society had taught me.
...The first couple of times the [standard poly] advice I gathered
didn't work, I thought it was my fault. So much of what I learned was
encouraging distrust of my own judgment, a reinforcement of the same
denial I had of my emotions my entire life....
It's no surprise then that my first experiences with polyamory were
extremely sketchy, and I only managed to escape them by
reading literature about abusive relationships and abusive
patterns.
I wouldn't until much later learn that my negative emotions weren't
inherently a sign of my own insecurity. I grew frustrated with problems
I and others had that I saw constantly crop up that weren't really
talked about. I felt that so much of the polyamory advice offered me
either didn't address mental health or just didn't work for someone who
had the anxiety or the experiences I had growing up. So I did what I
usually do when I have thoughts: I wrote them down.
...I found out I wasn't the only one....
Read the whole introduction at the "Look Inside" box on the book's
Amazon page. Also there is the table of contents.
From the foreword by Kathy Slaughter, LCSW:
Years ago, as I began my journey into polyamory and working with
polyamorous clients, I found most of the 'starter' books available
inadequate. [The missing perspective] was an understanding of trauma,
queer identities, and disability. Developmental trauma — being
abused as a child — was my first professional specialty.
...Now, after years of working with polyamorous clients, I've noticed
that jumping into a non-monogamous relationship style can bring old pain
and anxiety screaming to the surface. Often my clients worry that
they're not 'cut out' for polyamory because their emotional reactions
are so intense. And when I looked at the available resources for
support, I understood where this fear came from. ...
Again, read on at the
Amazon look-inside box.
In short: This is a needed book and a sign of our movement's growing maturity.
Successfully navigate nonmonogamous relationships with this practical
workbook filled with activities, journal prompts, interviews, and more
activities.... Helps you determine what you really want when it comes
to your life, your relationships, and the community you build
— and how to get it.
...The Polyamory Workbook
draws key information from real polyamorous people and relationship
experts to help you expand your emotional and relational toolbox,
better preparing you for the dive into nonmonogamy. This workbook
focuses on the foundational knowledge everyone interested in or
already practicing polyamory should know, including:
– Types of nonmonogamy
– Communication styles
– Boundary setting
– Consent
– Metamours and jealousy
– Pitfalls and red flags
– Breakups
– And more!
The Polysecure Workbook encourages examination of any attachment challenges you may have experienced in your opening up process and offers insights into how to build secure relationships. Through practical exercises, you will explore your own attachment history, examine your reasons for practicing nonmonogamy and the different styles of nonmonogamy that you relate to, and consider whether you rely on relationship structure for your attachment security. The Polysecure Workbook provides the tools needed to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and to build personal security.
Thanks to Tracie Winslow for the tip.
In 2014, after 25 years of marriage, my husband told me he was
polyamorous and needed to be able to explore and live this part of
himself, as a man free to have multiple intimate relationships. ...
This new chapter in our relationship was a sometimes traumatic,
sometimes exciting time for us. ...
We had a whole life together — three young-adult kids,
a home, our long history. While we had our share of struggles and rough
spots. for the most part we were friends and lovers who got along well.
Could we stay together and make this work?
The last five-plus years were our grand experiment in seeing
if we could make our mono-poly relationship work for both of us.
Our path was a winding one, with lots of talking, therapy, trying
different things, wrong turns, feelings, learning and discerning. It
hasn't been easy.
...We monogamous folks with poly partners have our own
perspectives, challenges, and issues to deal with, This book is for us.
...
This book explores the unique group of elders, age 55 and older, who
practice some form of consensual non-monogamy. It covers both the joys
and challenges of multiple relationships for elders. Poly elders have
the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as
managing all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and
disabilities (their own and/or their partners’), caregiving
responsibilities for aging relatives, grieving the deaths of parents,
siblings, and partners, retiring from careers and starting new lives,
and/or moving into some form of senior living.
---------------------------------------------------------
In other news, a roundup of stuff:
For example,
...A key tenet of polyamory is compersion—the ability to find joy in
your partners’ happiness, even if they’re finding happiness with
other people. This can be tough for rookie polyamorists, who learn that when romantic partners lash out about other activities,
it’s often because they’re not getting enough attention of one kind
or another. The same dynamic happens in the workplace: Bosses who
are anxious about underperforming employees will
inevitably start blaming [their] other jobs. ...
Jacob Lund / Shutterstock
By Niko Vercelletto
...One form of consensual non-monogamy is a polyamorous
relationship. This type of relationship can be defined as a
person, or people, who are in committed relationships with
multiple people at the same time, with the consent of all parties.... Polyamory has seemingly gained interest in the last few
years, and you may be wondering if opening up a future or current
relationship is right for you.
In some ways, polyamorous relationships may seem a lot like
monogamous ones in that they require strong conflict resolution
skills and good communication. And every relationship is built on
a good foundation, including polyamorous relationships, according
to
Psychology Today. But what are some key differences between the two?
For starters, polyamorous relationships involve defining
your own
relationship rules and understanding the boundaries and limits of
you and your partner. Asking yourself and your partner some
important questions from the get-go could help define relationship
terms. ...
...A
2018 study
published in the journal
Psychology showed that there was
no difference in satisfaction, both relational or sexual, between
monogamous and polyamorous relationships. However, the level of
satisfaction does depend on how well all parties communicate about
boundaries and needs before and during the relationships.
Polyamorous relationships are most successful when people can
satisfy and fulfill each of their relationship partners equally,
both emotionally and sexually, according to
Psychology Today.
Additionally, there are certain personality traits that may be
better suited for polyamorous relationships, like extroversion,
agreeableness, and low levels of jealousy and neuroticism.
If that all sounds far out of your comfort zone, don't be afraid
to stick with monogamy, particularly if you become easily jealous,
anxious, or need clear and consistent boundaries from a single
partner....
Lastly, you don't want to start a polyamorous relationship for the
wrong reasons. ...
● Another. Erez Benari writes, "Voice actor
Justin Rupple came on America's Got Talent recently (season 17, ep
4) and presented his wife AND his girlfriend, and even said the
P word to wild applause! Howie Mandell said, 'I wanna give
you the golden buzzer right now.'
"Oh, he's also got a solid 330k followers
on TikTok."
More about this from
Meeaww (June 21):
...Justin Rupple's 'throuple' marriage
Aside from his steadily growing career in showbiz, Rupple's
"throuple" relationship is also making headlines. Rupple and
his wife, Katy Rupple, are in a polyamorous relationship with
Claire Thornhill. Rupple met his wife, Katy, in 2006 while
performing at one of his comedy shows. The couple started
dating and got married in 2013. A few years after their
marriage, Katie expressed an interest in exploring her
bisexual side. After a lot of discussions, the couple
approached Rupple's college friend Claire. In an interview
with The Mirror, Claire shared, "At first, it was a
surprise as I had never been approached like this before."
Despite this, the surprise was welcomed "as I had always had
feelings for both men and women."
...The 'throuple' claims that they are happy together. They
credited teamwork and communication, as well as sharing goals,
personality traits, and hobbies.... Claire explained, "As
humans, we're capable of loving multiple people completely
without diminishing the love we have for any one individual,
and we're extremely lucky to have found each other. We are
proud of our partnership and want others to know that you
don't have to feel shame for simply loving people."
You can catch more of the trio's adventures and relationship
milestones on their Instagram page
The Thrupples.
By Anne Duvaux
...Are you perhaps curious
about the way society’s views seem to be changing? We all
know relationships take work but perhaps we can help
ourselves in how we structure them?
Moreover, maybe we can learn something by
understanding more about non-monogamous vs.
polyamorous relationships?...
She found this nearly half-century-old quote, new to me:
In the timeless book
The Road Less Traveled [1978], the psychiatrist M Scott Peck states in a
footnote that all his years of couples-work led him to the
“stark conclusion that open marriage is the only kind of
mature marriage that is healthy”.
Most of us would disagree strongly with that,
but I can see how Peck got there.
Dr. Peck goes on to imply that a monogamous marriage often
leads to destroyed mental health and lack of growth. Does
that mean that a polyamorous relationship is automatically
ethical?
On the contrary, it means that due to their nature, these
types of relationships contribute to growth. This involves
effort from all parties.
Which is indeed necessary for any long-term partnership.
...These include:
- Failing to communicate
- Being inconsiderate of your partner's feelings
- Expecting too much
- Not setting boundaries
- Failing to keep jealousy in check
- Choosing the wrong people.
|
Tyler, Sam, Angel
|
Once again: You wonder
how the tabs get dozens and dozens of
polyfamilies to share their lives in these rags?
They pay you. These story packages — text, photos,
sometimes videos — are created by tabloid-content companies
including
MDW Features,
Barcroft Media,
HotSpot Media, and
Triangle News. The companies are based in the UK, but most of their featured
polyfamilies have been in the US.
 |
They're called the red tops.
|
Want to see if they're interested in you and yours? Well....
Don't accept their first offer; it may be a lowball. And I'm told
this is not the easy money you may imagine; expect to put in a fair
amount of time, energy, and perhaps stress. They may give you
editorial control over how you're portrayed if you ask for it, so put
that in the contract: require the right to review and remove anything
in the final product. Even so, as with any media, say or show nothing
that you don't want used. During the interview and photo shoots, be
prepared to confer and refuse any requests that you feel are off
(trick questions, sketchy photo setups), and to resist any amount of
cajoling, which they are experts at. If you're ready to walk away from
the deal, especially after they've committed resources to show up, you
hold the upper hand. Remember, the tabloids are not journalism.
●
Are you a woman, transfem, or nonbinary? Buzzfeed News wants your poly story. "We're looking to speak with women and transfeminine or
nonbinary people for an upcoming BuzzFeed News story" to be titled
"Why Women Are Deciding To Become Nonmonogamous." I assume short items are what they want.
As Jessica Fern, psychotherapist and author
of Polysecure, has pointed out, it’s often
women who initiate nonmonogamy.
If you’re a woman, transfeminine, or nonbinary person in a
nonmonogamous relationship, BuzzFeed News wants to hear from
you. We may reach out to you for an upcoming story.
They ask you to fill out a
form. I doubt they pay sources; even Buzzfeed has standards.
---------------------------------------------------------
Looking wider, the struggle deepens.
Why, some of you ask, have I been ending posts to this
polyamory news site with the Ukraine war? With links like
this one?
Because in my life I've seen many socially progressive movements
become irrelevant and die out by failing to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.
We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule
breakers. Some people feel we're a threat to society — because
by living successfully outside of their worldview, we expose its
incompleteness. Our freedom to choose our relationship
structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of
ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own
lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.
Such a society is only possible where people have the power
to
govern themselves, combined with
legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of
all.
People, communities, and societies that create their own
lives, and who insist on the democratic structures
and legal protections that enable them to do so
safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are
growing in power around the world and in our own United
States.
Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other
people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation,
repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public
incitement, or, eventually, artillery.
For what it's worth, this site has received more pagereads
from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other
country in Eastern Europe.
For now, you can
donate to Ukraine relief through
this
list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. We're
giving to a big one,
Razom, and to a little one,
Pizza for Ukraine
in Kharkiv, a project of an old friend of my wife Sparkle
Moose.
----------------------------------
The coming times are going to require hard things of us. We
don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born
into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be
ready.
Need a little help bucking up? Play
this. Loud.
More, you want? Just
some guys near Kharkiv (our Pizza for Ukraine town) helping to hold onto a free
and open society, a shrinking thing in the world. The tossed
grenade seems to have saved them. Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops, for you, and for us —
because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that
time, opening the way for the rest of the 2oth century. Although
the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years there.
Bravery takes other forms.
For instance. Or cartoon animator Oleg Kuvaev. His
Masyanya was a popular family webseries in Russia for years,
South Park style, and made it onto TV. Then, after the start of the
war, he put out
Episode 160. The raucous, oval-headed mom ditches the show's no-politics rule, and
toward the end she barges in on Putin and presents him a
blistering lecture and a hara-kiri sword to solve his problems. No
spoilers what comes next. English subtitles. Kuvaev got out of
Russia in time, the series remains up via overseas backups, and Russian
authorities have implied they will hunt down the backups and wipe
them.
We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do,
vote.
----------------------------------
Social attitudes tend traditional, but not bitterly so like
in the US; the ideal of modern European civil society is widely treasured, and social progressivism has room to thrive. Some 40,000 women reportedly volunteer in military roles,
and LGBT folx in the armed forces openly display symbols of LGBT pride.
(Whereas in Russia, it's a criminal offense for even a civilian to so much as wear a tiny rainbow.) Writes kos in the big lefty news site
Daily Kos (July 29),
I find [this] particularly salient given American
conservative hostility toward women serving in our military.
People like Ted Cruz praising the supposed manliness of the
Russian army, while claiming ours is weak because of “woke
culture.” Ukraine puts that bullshit to bed, not just
with the women serving in its ranks, but with gay soldiers
very publicly
sewing unicorn patches
on their uniforms to denote their pride.
He retweets a meme from a military blogger commenting on the
plight of the abused gay Russian draftee:
To hell with any conservatives who impugn anyone’s service as somehow less effective or honorable than
white straight men.
__________________________
