New movie The Invite: "the representation we've been waiting for"? Two new polyam novels. The 3 most common reasons polyamory fails. And other poly in the news.

First: The international Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy is coming up July 6-12 courtesy of OPEN, the increasingly well-established Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-mononogamy. Plan your own local educational event, party, talk at the library, booth in the park, or other event, either in-person or virtual, with OPEN's help and publicity.

Meanwhile, June is Pride Month. Join (or create!) a poly contingent in your local pride parade with OPEN's help, and find those already happening.

On Pennsylvania Avenue in DC, June 2025

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●  In other news, Hazel Park, Michigan now makes nine US cities and towns that have passed legal protections and/or recognition for polyamorous or other chosen-family households. Michigan city first in the Midwest to shield polyamorous relationships (The Detroit News, June 12, paywalled). Hazel Park, population 15,000, is an inner-ring suburb of Detroit.

By Peg McNichol

Hazel Park city council unanimously agreed on Tuesday to update its human-rights ordinance by adding familial status, family or relationship structure.

The expanded civil rights protection includes multigenerational families, stepfamilies and, yes, polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous is the term for people who consent to being involved in multiple simultaneous romantic or sexual relationships.

Hazel Park is the first community in Michigan and in the Midwest and the ninth in the nation to protect family structure from discrimination. There are no federal or state laws that extend civil rights protection for familial status, family or relationship structure. ...

Councilman Luke Londo sponsored the updated ordinance....

●  They All Fall in Love at the End is the title of Haili Blassingame's new novel, out this month, about something she knows: a strong Black woman's wrestle with getting polyamory to function in DC's Black community. It's loosely based on her slightly younger self.  From the publisher's summary:

Friends and family urge her to just be happy with Jay, but Cat is determined to have it all—or blow up her life trying. As she falls for all the wrong people, racking up lies, betrayals, and terrible drafts of her novel, she tries to write her way to a happy ending. But in art, politics, and love, true liberation may take more than rewriting the old scripts. It may mean inventing something entirely new.

In an NPR  interview with Juana Summers, New novel explores the messy middle of living a non-monogamous life (June 3), Blassingame has this to say:

...To return to this question of, like, the types of stories that get told around polyamory, I wanted to see someone wrestling with it as a paradigm and as, like, a relationship modality, not simply as, hey, girl, there's this crazy thing I'm doing. And I think we typically talk about it as being antagonist to monogamy or an answer to monogamy rather than just simply a different way of loving. And I think you almost have to -- you have to unlearn and then relearn in order to practice it in the way that -- I mean, I don't want to say should practice it, 'cause you can practice it in many different ways.

SUMMERS: Right.

BLASSINGAME: But, like, you know, if you have zero models or zero examples of it, I mean -- and you find this a lot in the queer community, too. It's like you're building something from scratch. And I wanted to get into that piece of it, not just as a salacious plot point, but actually as, like, a philosophical relationship paradigm. ...

Read partway into the book.

NPR's lost its federal funding to Trump, resulting in newsroom layoffs and closed stations. But that meant he lost a means of control. NPR no longer has to look over its shoulder toward the White House about what it chooses to cover. Donate here.

●  Another new semi-autographical book, Waist Deep, is by a Danish poly mom in a mono-poly FF marriage. Now it's just been published in the US. New York Times review: ‘Could Love Be Freer?’ A Tale of Polyamory, in Literature and Life.  The Danish writer Linea Maja Ernst’s debut novel, “Waist Deep,” a hit in Europe, explores the flirtations and frustrations within a millennial friendship circle.

From the publisher's description:

. . . But the idyll is fragile. Lost without the uninhibited magic of their youth, Sylvia is left wondering what happened to the radical ways of living they embraced at university. Tensions rise under moonlit swims and wine-drenched dinners, and Sylvia is stunned to learn her old crush Esben will be getting married at the end of the week—a crush her monogamous girlfriend would definitely not approve. While the group sunbathe, cook, and flirt their way to midsummer night, new desires prove not everyone has left their arcadian fantasies behind.

An instant bestseller in Scandinavia and now translated into ten languages, Waist Deep is a modern Midsummer Night’s Dream that offers a provocative flourish to the perennial question: does growing up have to mean giving up on your dreams?

●  Accurate poly education continues to flow in the mainstream, alongside clueless mass-market misconceptions that lead wishful-thinkers into trouble.

On the good side, a poly-friendly family therapist with a big global platform warns of the commonest routes to failure: As a psychologist, I’ve seen that polyamory doesn’t fix relationships – it reveals them. (The Guardian, March 1) 

(The article used an antique photo of a Victorian
poly-ish picnic. Glasshouse Images/Alamy)

By Carly Dober

The success of any relationship hinges on the same pillars of trust, respect, honesty and shared values. Polyamory simply tests their integrity daily.

Emilio* and Jessica* sat in front of me, disconnected and barely looking at each other. They had been together for seven years and had recently opened up their relationship and tried polyamory, upon Emilio’s suggestion. Jessica agreed to this, but it was not her first choice for how she wanted the relationship to be. They were now in a crisis, as betrayals and secrets had occurred before and during the attempts at this new relationship configuration.

...We discussed that the foundational principle of successful non-monogamy is radical transparency. Everything must be on the table from the start, with the understanding that the conversation never truly ends. As feelings evolve about a new partner, an old dynamic, or something else, so must the dialogue. This is sometimes where the theory crashes into the reality of human emotion.

I have witnessed too many couples where one partner, often after discovering polyamory as a concept, presents it as an ultimatum. ... The coerced partner, in a desperate bid to preserve the relationship at their own expense, may concede before being psychologically or emotionally ready. The result is often anxiety, jealousy, depression and self-doubt, masquerading as progressive enlightenment. Jessica saw herself in this description.

A firm, shared understanding of the spirit of ethical polyamory is non-negotiable. It is the autonomy, honesty and abundant care that must extend to all partners. In clinical intervention, we start by exploring the existing relationship. ... It must be understood by all parties that cheating is not polyamory. Identifying as polyamorous does not retroactively excuse deceit, as Emilio was attempting to do.

We then explore motivations and potential red flags, which are often magnified in polyamorous contexts. ...

Read on. It's couple-centric, but again, that's where most people are. More than half the adults in the US are in cohabiting couples per US census data.

●  A similar take, though deeper into couple-centrism: The 3 Most Common Reasons Open Relationships Fail (Vice, Feb. 23).

Open relationships get pitched as the brave, evolved option, like you can just add a few extra people to your love life the way you add toppings to a pizza. Then real life arrives. ...

Sex researcher Dr. Justin R. Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute, told Business Insider [Feb. 21, paywalled] that three factors keep pushing couples back toward monogamy.

First, the emotional bandwidth problem. Garcia said, "...You can want the fantasy of being chill and limitless, then find out your feelings don’t scale the way you wanted them to."...

Second, the workload. People hear “open” and imagine freedom. A lot of the day-to-day reality is coordination, check-ins, and a ton of negotiation. ...“Even casual polyamorous encounters take substantial effort and negotiation,” he said. That negotiation can be healthy. It can also be exhausting....

Third, the “this will fix us” trap. ...Garcia [says] non-monogamy works well for some people, and some couples build real stability there. “While consensually open relationships might not work for everyone, or even for most people, there are many people for whom they do work perfectly well.”

The least sexy truth is also the most useful one. Monogamy can be a preference, not a failure. Plenty of couples try something new, learn what it costs, then pick the version of commitment they can actually live with.

And he didn't even mention the unicorn fantasy. If you are a couple and expect to treat a third person as disposable, choose someone who understands and wants that exact role. Talk it out with them first! In the immortal words of Granny Weatherwax,

"Sin, young man, is when you treat people as things."

●  My guess is that most attempts at poly relationships fail, for some definition of "fail." Especially now that the poly idea has gone mass-market, which means downmarket. So many people for whom this is just wrong try it frivolously — with poor advance study, lousy communication, and inadequate shared prep. Or no deep, safe communication between each other at all.

Or, any grasp of the many other cultural assumptions among normals that will need to be examined and shed. Please get the message out: Poly is not for everyone.

And anyone will start disadvantaged without access to good, experienced poly community. You need community. You learn so much from real-life examples of the successful and experienced, and from others' mistakes.

I'm still proud of my bandwagon speech /warning from the Poly Pride stage in Central Park nearly 20  years ago.

●  In this vein Cosmopolitan, always on the lookout for trends, thinks it sees one: Why Is Non-Monogamy Getting So Much Backlash Again? (UK edition, June 18).

"The communication and empathy that’s meant to define ENM appears to have been thrown out of the window in favor of secrecy, selfishness, and a pressure to repress feelings.

By Brit Dawson

... “It’s the enshittification of relationships. The idea that you should fuck more people and want less from them,” says Bea. “It’s hook-up culture cloaked in therapy speak. There’s a lot of pressure on people, especially women in monogamous relationships, to erase their boundaries to make their partner happy.”

Therein lies the key to non-monogamy: if both partners don’t enter the arrangement willingly, even with equal enthusiasm, it’s likely not going to work. And yet, many feel they should embrace the opportunity if it arises, either to appease their partners or wider communities. ... But, says Bailey, the flip side is that it “paints those who engage with monogamy as lesser-than, uneducated, or complicit—and that can easily sway someone into feeling guilty for their own dating preferences”.

...But for many couples [sic] it does work—and far better than any attempts at monogamy have served them in the past. Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator known as Poly Philia, who’s been non-monogamous for 10 years, credits her relationship structure with giving her “flexibility and freedom, independence to explore [her] own desires, and emotional awareness.” Yau believes the backlash largely stems from “the internet loving to sensationalize everything”. “I think non-monogamous people are being scapegoated for a lot of dating frustrations,” something she believes “contributes to an existing narrative that polyamorous people are irresponsible cheaters who can’t control themselves and will take advantage of you, which is not the case.” For Yau, being non-monogamous “makes [her] a better person and partner.”

For Bea, it’s a case of start as you mean to go on. “A lot of the messiness between the pro- and anti-crowd comes from people using non-monogamy to soft-launch a break-up, or to not lose access to their emotional safety blanket while they fuck hotter people,” she says, advising: “Don’t get into a monogamous relationship and ask to open it up; likewise, don’t ask a poly person for exclusivity.”

There’s no doubt that some people are abusing the idea of non-monogamy—and its cultural cachet in certain circles—to get away with bad behavior. There’s also likely a lack of individual research into and understanding of non-monogamy, particularly among younger people who are experimenting in fledgling relationships, which can see them enter into agreements without being fully prepared for the reality of them. ...

●  But success stories also abound. A solopoly tale: How Polyamory Helped Me Love Myself Better (in GO magazine, "the cultural roadmap for city girls everywhere," Feb. 14.)

A couple of years ago, I went through an unexpected and messy queer divorce that led me to question everything about the way I live my life. It was an opportunity to rediscover and recommit to who I really am and the life I want to be living.  While I was in no hurry to get into any kind of relationship again, I spent time examining if I still wanted to live a polyamorous life—I did. ...

Not only does polyamory give me a way to center the kind of queer, nontraditional relationships I’m most attracted to, but it allows me to stop trying to live a life that other people approve of, and it gives me a level of self-confidence I never thought possible.

...I’m lucky enough to live in Portland, Oregon, which is known for its queerness. In fact, I recently bought a bumper sticker for my car that says “Portland: you don’t have to be polyamorous to live here but it helps.”

...Polyamory has given me the language, space, and framing to literally have it all. Sometimes this looks like a one-off hookup or other casual connection as opportunity presents itself and have that be cheered on by those closest to me. But it also looks like having deeply committed loving partners who can be daily connected with me and who factor into big life decisions I’m making. ...

Polyamory allows me to show up for those who I love as the best version of myself. I am deeply committed to the people I bring into my inner circle platonically and romantically, and I now treat myself, my art, and my passions the way that I expect others to treat me. I won’t compromise my interests for someone else’s schedule, and I’ve built relationships with people who wouldn’t want me to and in fact enthusiastically encouraged me to write more stories, enter more dog shows, and do more of the things that make me happy.  

What first drew me to polyamory as a young queer punk was the ability to architect a relationship that fit the queer life I imagined. ... Since I showed up fully and unapologetically as myself, I’ve never been happier, loved harder, or been loved better. ... It took me 25 years of practicing the lifestyle, but I finally fully and completely understand that this means not just loving others, but also loving myself, and finding ways to prioritize my own joy like I would any of my partners.

●  And the ENM/poly movie The Invite, which took Sundance by storm last February, opens in limited theaters June 26 and in major chains July 10. The trailer looks like run-of-the-mill movie drama. But people involved in this production sound like they really wanted to get the representation right. One indication: How Realistic Is Olivia Wilde’s “The Invite”? An Ethical Non-Monogamy Expert Explains (Dating News, June 16)

By Emma Patterson

We’ve never seen non-monogamy in the headlines as much as we have over the last few years — and it’s never been so hotly debated as a result. There’s Lily Allen and David Harbour’s high-profile (and high drama) Split; Ava’s stint in a throuple in Hacks; and the show Industry’s portrayal of unethical people navigating an open marriage. 

Now, Olivia Wilde’s upcoming film The Invite ... may be the nuanced, positive portrayal the community has been waiting for. 

...Victoria Joseph got an exclusive invitation to the film’s premiere. Joseph is herself a participant in an ENM relationship with her husband Ryan. Together they co-founded a matchmaking company which specializes in ENM relationships.

DN: Did the film feel authentic to the realities of ENM relationships, or did it lean more into dramatization? Were there any moments that made you think, “Finally, a movie got this right”?

VJ: When I first received the email invite, the movie was described to me as “a riotous film about love, desire, monogamy, polyamory, and so much more.” Polyamory is often used incorrectly, because it is such a buzzword, most people do not understand the nuances of the different non-monogamous relationship dynamics.

...But honestly, it really did reflect a good ethically non-monogamous relationship. [One of] the moments during the movie that made me think, wow, they got this right…was when this couple named Pina and Hawk (Penelope Cruz and Edward Norton) were describing to Joe and Angela (Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde) [the concept of] compersion, meaning that you get joy and happiness seeing your partner giving joy and pleasure to other people. [And] they were describing how consent was important, and how it starts. 

I feel like my husband Ryan and I [have] had similar conversations with people who never even thought to talk about non-monogamy. [The film] really articulates it in a way that was really positive and really, really funny.

●  Let's close for now with one of the most poly-positive mainstream advice columns I can recall, by Dear Prudence (Jenée Desmond-Harris) in Slate (May 12): Help! My Best Friend’s New Relationship Is Posing a Big Problem for My Wedding.

 

Dear Prudence,

...We are struggling with our [wedding] guest list. ... “Maggie” was my best friend in college, and she shaped who I am today... I still consider her one of my closest friends. But my fiancé and I are hitting a wall on her plus-one(s). Maggie has been with “Luke” for two years, and we adore him. ... Now there’s a third member of their relationship, “Flora,” whom I’ve never met. All three of them are very happy and in love, and Maggie seems genuinely thrilled with the situation.

Now that Flora is involved, I’m not sure what to do. ...To invite all three of them—including a woman we’ve never met—we would need to cut someone [from the guest list] we really want to be at our wedding. How can I solve this without offending anyone or feeling resentful myself?

—Three’s a Crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd,

The practical thing to do is invite Maggie, Luke, and Flora, bringing your guest list to 121. ...

My more emotional and relationship-based suggestion is that you should scrutinize why, out of 120 people, Flora is the one on the chopping block ... because on some level you don’t really see the triad as legitimate.

...I want to argue that you should. Not just because it’s the right thing to do for one of your best friends, but because weddings can be powerful events that create and deepen connections with and among the people you love. You don’t want to miss this opportunity to bring Flora into the fold.

------------------------------

Elsewhere in the world... As I said a few months ago in their cold dark winter of bombed power plants, some people don't give up. Now the changing tide of the Ukraine war shows how, when a free people don't give up, fortune may swing their way.

And if you still don't get what this war means to our own future as free cultural weirdos... you need the long view.

BTW, the logo of PolyamoryUkraine:

 

...while in Russia, speaking up for "nontraditional sexual relations" is a crime punishable by up to 12 years in prison under the "anti-extremism" laws. "Extremism" meaning whatever the emperor dislikes.

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