Last night's swinger-and-poly documentary on Destination America

"Hidden in America" (Discovery)

The signs weren't good. Discovery's "Destination America" cable channel is all about lowbrow documentaries ("Monsters and Mysteries", "Hillbilly Blood"), and last night's entire run of shows were about sex. One was the "Hidden in America" show, which spotlights subcultures of weirdos. The episode title was "Swingers and Free Love." Some well-regarded polyfolks were to be on it. What had they gotten into?

The first half hour was about the swinging world, "the Lifestyle." To a background of dark, creepy music, we meet a tentative newbie couple hoping to test the waters and old-hand couples describing the Lifestyle's rules and guidelines. Cut to a counselor named Karen Ruskin, billed as "Relationship Expert." She declares that swinging is "sexual suicide" for any couple foolish enough to try it. (More on Ruskin later.) We visit a pool party at a Swingfest convention in South Beach, and couples talk about how swinging has strengthened their marriages and their sex lives together. The narrator tells us that cameras will be allowed for the first time ever into a swinging inner sanctum — on this cliffhanger we break for commercials — and then we see suggestive bits hinting at a partially clothed hotel-room four-way.

The narrator says that swingers have a rule of separating quickly from play partners, to be sure that they do not fall in love. This comes after we're shown a mugshot of a man named Kenneth McBride (with even creepier music) who murdered a man his wife fell in love with.

Next up: polyamory.

We are introduced to Sierra Black of the Boston area, one of our best spokespeople, and her extended long-term network of husband, lovers, and families with kids. The whole crowd is friendly, attractive — the nice intelligent young folks living down the street in any college town. Sierra matter-of-factly describes polyamory as "more than one loving relationship going on at a time," and calls her husband Martin, their 4- and 8-year-old daughters, and their associates "a stable healthy family." We see the whole crowd at a backyard barbecue, with various grownups talking and showing little signs of affection, and the kids playing happily. Karen Ruskin again: "Polyamory is symbolic of what kind of a culture we've become: a culture of entitlement" where people just take what they want.

And... what will become of those kids? Ruskin, getting more and more worked up: "Polyamory provides breakups and abandonment, certainly not stability." Sierra directly contradicts this, describing the kids' strong social network of caregivers, and we see more happy scenes from the barbecue.

The 8-year-old, in a previous appearance, was remarkably self-confident and well-spoken — she knows about her family's openness and gets it — and she comes through again. Her opinion: "Open marriages don't make much difference. You have more people in the community." (Quote may not be exact; I didn't record the show and was scribbling notes.)

But! — the music turns grim — there is jealousy. We get snippets of members of the group telling about times they felt lonely when someone was with someone else. One wonders what contexts these were assembled out of. Folks, if you don't want something presented out of context, don't say it in front of a rolling camera. Speak only in sound bites that can stand by themselves.

Deborah Anapol provides some general comments about polyamory, including "My best guess is there are at least 10 million polyamorists in the United States." (My own guess is that that's way high.)

Narrator: "It's a complicated life. Yet it appears to be on the rise." Sierra gets the last word: She tells how building a poly life offers a chance to get beyond, and subvert, the neuroses of mandatory couple-culture that most people are stuck in. And that when a person does this, "whether it's one person or a million, I think there's a little revolution going on."

And then to close, the show turns to elderly poly legends Oberon and Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart and their 20-year partner Julie. Nothing looks so unthreatening as a happy old couple. Or triad. Now the music is all upbeat. This section is the only piece of the poly half of the show available on the Destination America website. I posted about it when it appeared there three weeks ago, and here's the video again in case you missed it. Two segments from the swinging portion follow on after it:

Morning Glory, Oberon and Julie. If the video player fails, watch here: http://america.discovery.com/tv-shows/hidden-in-america/videos/polyamory-in-america.htm

Narrator: "They have been happily married and polyamorous for almost 40 years. They've shared 20 years of that with their partner Julie [at right]. And they're living proof that open marriages can go the distance."

My overall assessment: Mixed. Although most of the material itself was fairly reasonable and unexceptionable, and the poly folks had a good say and came off pretty darn well, the editing, the narrator's voice, and the overbearing music were manipulative and conveyed a mood of danger and forbidden fruit through most of the hour. Especially the swingers' half; they got the worst of it.

No reruns are currently scheduled.

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Oh, about Karen Ruskin! Just a few days ago, guess what? She contacted me asking my help in finding New England poly people to appear with her on FOX-25 TV in Boston. On her website she bills herself as "Media Psychotherapist Guest Expert." Fortunately, thanks to quick research by Terry of the Vermont Poly Woodchucks, the discussion lists around here were soon abuzz about Ruskin's previous ill-informed trashings of nontraditional relationships on Fox News, Bill O'Reilly, and her blog — and her shutdowns of any other viewpoints. So don't be tempted. On TV (unlike radio) the editing is everything, and there is nothing you can possibly do or say that will survive hostile video editing.

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Do the media "over-normalize" polys? And a new TV documentary airs Tuesday.

HuffPost Women

The "polynormativity" discussion continues — following Andrea Zanin's January manifesto, The Problem With Polynormativity, which inveighed against how the media tend to showcase the most mainstream aspects of the most privileged-looking, normal-seeming polyfolks.

Sierra Black

This afternoon, polyactivist and writer Sierra Black posted about her own experience with this phenomenon when ABC's 20/20 filmed her and her extended family/community for three days. The result of that experience was the positive but whitebread-oriented segment on 20/20 a year ago. Their queer parts were erased. Black just posted her article on the Huffington Post Women site, where she's a frequent contributor. I found it hard to condense much, so she gave me permission to repost a large fraction of it below.

This is immediately relevant because she and hers are going to be on TV again this Tuesday: in a segment on the Destination America channel's "Hidden in America" series, at 10 p.m. Eastern time. It's part of a one-hour show titled "Swingers and Free Love." Schedule. Channel finder.

"Hidden in America" does not look like it is about showcasing normalcy.

Challenging Poly Stereotypes In Media (and at Home)

The media spotlight is on polyamory in a big way these days. In the past year and change, since I started writing about my open relationships, I've been approached by about 10 television producers wanting to do spots about my poly family.

A few of those came to nothing, a few I referred out to other poly folks, and we've actually filmed segments for three of them.... The revolution may not be televised, but suddenly, my romantic life is.

What does all this media mean?

On the one hand, it's great to have the media taking a look at polyamory. I never tire of telling the world how much I love my people and how wonderful the lives we share are. We're healthy and happy and having a good time. That's a great thing to show the world: Look, here's an idea that is really good for some people.

...On the other hand, the media isn't simply holding up a mirror to the reality of polyamory. They're shaping the cultural perception of what polyamory is and who does it, by carefully choosing the stories they tell.

A little while back, Andrea Zanin at Sex Geek published this fascinating (and perilously long) article on what she sees as "polynormativity" in the media. It's pretty strident, and rather polarizing. I know a lot of people who felt threatened and attacked reading it, like their personal practice of polyamory was under fire.

I certainly felt taken to task. Which I think makes sense, since the target of her article is "polynormative" people appearing on TV to talk about polyamory.... But... her thinking is good and a lot of her critique is spot on. For example:

      The most fundamental element of polyamory -- that of
      rejecting the monogamous standard, and radically
      rethinking how you understand, make meaning of and
      practice love, sex, relationships, commitment,
      communication, and so forth -- is lost in favour of
      a cookie-cutter model that's as easy as one, two, three.

She defines polynormativity as starting with a couple, who rely on hierarchy and rules to protect the primacy of the original couple, and who are young, white, conventionally attractive and straight. She doesn't mention class or gender identity as essential components, but it's a safe bet that affluence and cis-gendered bodies are part of the polynormative package.

It's easy to see me and my family and friends through that lens. Not because that's who we really are, but because that's who TV producers choose to portray.

In real life... I hate rules and hierarchies. I'm queer as f**k and also a big slut.

Good luck figuring any of that out from TV. TV makes it look like I have A Husband and A Boyfriend and A Girlfriend (in that order), not a spectrum of relationships with different friends and lovers and partners. There's no sex in my TV relationships. On TV, I never worry about money. My husband's Latin American background is erased, as is his complex queer identity.

It doesn't matter how loudly we disclaim the polynormative model. When "20/20" filmed us, they were here for three days to get seven minutes of final footage. They spent many hours talking to us all as a group and to each of us individually. All the brilliant, witty, insightful things my unmarried lovers and friends said wound up on the cutting room floor; they used only interview material from the two married couples in the group. That sure made those pairings look like primary relationships in a way that the original interviews did not.

They took hours of footage of me with the two women I was romantically linked to, and used only a few seconds of it, while focusing lots of screen time on my lunch date with the charming young man I hang out with. That editing choice sure made me look straight in a way the original filming did not.

So the problem as I see it isn't that the media is cleverly choosing people who do poly a certain way and depicting their lives. In my case, at least, it's that the media is cleverly misrepresenting my life to fit a certain model.

You may or may not see a problem here. Maybe the media image of polyamory reflects your experience in a meaningful and positive way. Plenty of people feel comfortable in their primary-couple-centered relationships. Rules work for many people; my partners and I have a few here and there ourselves.

Plenty of people don't thrive in this model, though. Many people feel marginalized by representations of polyamory that focus only on people with a lot of privilege around marital status, race, class, gender and sexual identity. It's hard to find your place in a community that looks monolithic.

So how can those of us who are representing and defining polyamory (either in the media or in conversation with our friends and families) do it in a more inclusive way? How can our communities legitimately become more inclusive?

To get at these questions, I corresponded with Pepper Mint, who organized the OpenSF conference for non-monogamous folks of all stripes in San Francisco last year. Pepper writes, "I think it is really crucial for community leaders and activists to educate themselves about issues of discrimination and power around race, gender, ability, sexuality and so on. This is not an easy process, but is very worth it."

His experience with media is that they will go for the most mainstream representatives of polyamory they can get their hands on, and for this reason, Pepper encourages those of us who talk to media to stress our own non-mainstream qualities and also encourage a diverse array of people to step forward to talk with media people.

It's not just in the media that polyamory is represented and images of it are formed, though. We need to take care to challenge assumptions in ourselves and in our friends and family as well.

Pepper says:

Any time someone says 'poly people are...; or something similar, call them on it. And at the same time, if you have gotten the impression that poly people are a certain way, remember that your impression almost certainly springs from the fact that you have only seen a self-selecting slice of the poly world.... Remind folks that any established sexual minority community is huge, and the people in it will have very different backgrounds, sexualities, motives, identities, and so on.

I have ideas about how to proceed with this.

1. Watch your language: Try to be mindful of assumptions that reinforce the mainstream image of polyamory. A lot of them may be built right into your language.

2. Be inclusive! Reach out to people whose lives and identities are different from your own. This is especially important if your life does at least superficially reflect the "polynormative" model, as mine does. Do what you can to include people from a wide variety of backgrounds and circumstances and demographics in whatever you're doing. Pepper stresses the importance of creating events that are accessible and attractive to people from a diverse range of backgrounds and sexualities.

3. Pervert expectations: A lot of the questions you'll get when you talk to people unfamiliar with polyamory won't make sense. Don't feel obliged to answer them. If there's not a bright line for you between your "serious" relationships and your "friends with benefits," don't draw one just to make a reporter (or your mom!) happy. If the phrase "poly couple" doesn't make any sense in your life, gently correct the person who uses it. You don't need to fit the reality of your polyamory into a monogamous framework.

More important than merely presenting a more diverse image of polyamory to the media and our social circles is embracing a richer, more diverse model of relationships and community. I asked Pepper how our communities could become more diverse and inclusive. He said: "I think the non-monogamous population already is quite diverse, and so it is just a matter of being able to recognize that diversity and hold events that actually cater to people across it."

Non-monogamous communities are small, marginalized groups with a lot of popular misunderstandings surrounding them. In that context, it might seem foolish to be worrying too much about the whitewashing of our media image. But as our communities become more visible, it seems like the perfect moment to ensure that we become visible in all our diverse, complicated beauty....

See the whole original (April 10, 2013).

P.S.: About next Tuesday's "Hidden in America" show, Black tells us,

We filmed it last summer, and it's been delayed considerably. We liked the producers a lot; they seemed generally respectful and like they "got us". They asked thoughtful questions, backed off when we corrected them about mistaken assumptions, and took a lot of guidance from us in shaping what they filmed. They spent a long time interviewing us individually, which gave people a chance to say really interesting things, but who knows how that will play on TV or how much of it they'll use.

One thing I'm sure of: they filmed more people! We had a backyard BBQ with a big group of friends and neighbors and lovers, so hopefully there will be lots of smiling poly faces on screen.

I think in some ways it will be very similar to the 20/20 piece; they asked a lot of the same kinds of questions and used some of the same settings. Which was a little disappointing, but maybe unavoidable — there's a clear story to tell here. My hope is that it will be more reflective of our actual lives and less supporting the kinds of mainstream stereotypes the 20/20 piece played into, but I have no idea how they will have edited the footage they took.

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Thanksgiving advice on bringing multiples home to the folks

Sierra Black, now a Huffington Post Women contributor, presents a timely article on bringing additional partners to the folks for family holidays (or not), and managing things once they're there.

Thanksgiving Advice: How To Bring Your Boyfriend Home For The Holidays -- When You're Polyamorous

One year, several years ago, I asked my mom if I could bring my then-boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. He didn't have local family to celebrate with and I thought it'd be nice to spend the day together.

"I think that would make me and your stepfather very uncomfortable," she said.

It's not that she didn't like my boyfriend. It's just that I'm happily married to someone else, and having my boyfriend and my husband both there for the holidays seemed like a bit much to her.

I decided not to push it. I went home for a family dinner with my husband and kids, and met up with my boyfriend at my place afterwards. We had dessert together, and it was lovely.

Did I do the right thing?...

Read on (Nov. 20, 2012). And join the comments there; they need help.

To my mind Black consistently combines good values, good sense, and good writing. Here are all her articles mentioned on this site (including this one; scroll down).

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"What the 2012 Election Means for Sexual Freedom"

My wife Sparkle Moose first met Kyrsten Sinema, the out bisexual state legislator who was just elected Arizona's newest congresswoman, when they both spoke at the 2009 American Humanist Association convention in Tempe, Arizona. Sinema, a pro-science rationalist Democrat, has squeaked out a victory against a Tea Partier to join the well over 100 openly gay candidates elected Tuesday at federal, state and local levels. She will be the first openly bi member of Congress.

Last week's election marked an unexpected sea change — not so much in Obama's continuance in office, or the only slightly changed numbers in Congress — but in the kinds of Democrats who won and Republicans who lost, and in the breakthrough ballot questions that passed, and in the kinds of voters (increasingly millennial-generation and nonwhite) who made it happen.

Sierra Black, whom you may remember leading her poly network's stellar appearance on ABC's "20-20" news program last April, writes at Huffington Post Gay Voices about what all this means for polys:

What the 2012 Election Means for Sexual Freedom

By Sierra Black

Congratulations to Kyrsten Sinema, the newly elected congresswoman from Arizona's 9th district. Sinema is the first openly bisexual person to be elected to office at a national level.

Congratulations are also due, of course, to Tammy Baldwin. The new Wisconsin senator is, as you have surely heard by now, the first openly gay or lesbian senator to be sent to Washington.

A huge thank you, as well, to the people of Maine, Maryland and Washington who all voted this week to grant marriage rights to their LGBT citizens. [Also, Minnesota voters rejected a state constitutional amendment against gay marriage, the first time that's happened too. —Ed.]

It's a good day to be queer in America. More than that, it's a good day to be human in America, as we're seeing fundamental rights expanded to more people.

The wins for the LGBT community at the ballot this year don't stop with the historic bullet points I just covered. The history being made by these women and the people who voted for them is real. But it points at something bigger: a changing landscape of social norms in which being gay or lesbian or bisexual isn't the most important feature of someone running for office.

That's good news for me. I don't have any plans to marry my girlfriend. We're both happily married to other people. We're not like the monogamous gay and lesbian couples Obama praised when he came out in favor of gay marriage on the campaign trail. We're on the polyamorous fringe no mainstream politician is ready to defend.

But I feel the world is a safer, friendlier place for me and mine as the march towards full civil rights for LGBT people advances. It's a better place for my daughters to grow up and discover who they want to be and who they want to love without facing bigotry and stigma for their choices.

...While I'm partying for Kyrsten and Tammy and all the couples newly allowed to marry, I'm also aware that the advances for queer rights in this election have made my sexual identity as a polyamorous woman more of a target. In the Washington Examiner, Gregory Kane takes explicit aim at polyamorous people and the transgender community.

"I'm all for gays and lesbians climbing aboard the equal rights train," he writes. "It's who they're bringing with them I have a problem with." [When Fairness Goes Too Far, Nov. 7, 2012.]

It seems clear he's trying to stir up fear and distrust, pointing to my family and community as the scary monsters in the closet who will be turned loose should voters allow same-sex couples to marry.

...Those of us who are polyamorous or transgender or otherwise outside the embrace of what the mainstream seems as normal aren't shadowy figures trying to ride the coattails of the gay and lesbian rights movement. We're allies and friends and in many cases queer people ourselves. We are faces of the movement for gender rights and sexual freedom, just as much as a monogamous gay couple is.

...As the center shifts towards a saner, more inclusive and humane take on gay rights, it makes all kinds of sexual orientations and identities more visible. If there's no longer one right way to do things, there's more room in the discussion for a plethora of right ways.

...I'm bracing myself for what comes next: the toxic response of a conservative machine that sees itself losing ground and will work to generate fear and hostility in an effort to stop progress.

I'm sure we'll see more articles like Kane's, attempting to divide those of us outside the box of traditional heteronormative relationships into "good" minorities and "bad" minorities [Kane himself is a member of the black minority. —Ed.], creating imaginary in-groups and out-groups.

We'll also see more days like this one, where the world is suddenly dramatically better for the many people whose desires and relationships don't fit the fairy tale model of romance. So let's celebrate today, and be ready for the long, slow work of change to come.

Cheers!

Read the whole article (Nov. 9, 2012).

And this long view comes from the website of the NBC-TV affiliate in Chicago:

Obama Is Now An Historic President

By Edward McClelland

By winning re-election on Tuesday, Barack Obama graduated from president to historic president — far beyond the fact of his being the first African-American to hold that office. Obama will turn out to be as important a figure to the 21st Century as Franklin D. Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan were to the 20th....

...But most importantly, Obama — the first president of non-European descent — has destroyed the Anglo-Saxon, Protestant assumptions on which American government has been based since 1776. This, more than anything, is why his opponents hate and fear him, and why Mitt Romney won a near-record percentage of the white vote. Obama embodies the multi-cultural America that will make whites a minority by 2050. The America of the cowboy, of the frontier, of the pioneer — that America is history. Obama’s coalition — black, Latino, Asian, Native American, union, liberal — is made up of cultures defined more by communal cooperation than rugged individualism. Obama’s America will be a more socialistic country than we’ve known — although, ironically, that will make us resemble modern-day England more than we would have if the Anglo-Saxon Romney had won. Predicts Michael Lind in Salon:

By the mid-21st century, an increasingly multiracial and mixed-race U.S. is likely to be far more “European” than today’s America — much less religious and far more secular, with a majority or plurality of all races born out of wedlock, and a much bigger middle-class welfare state, mostly for the elderly, financed by European methods, including a value-added tax. There will still be a right and a left in the United States of 2050. But the right will be calling for a VAT on marijuana of 15 percent instead of 18 percent. And the conservatives of tomorrow will insist, against progressive champions of polyamory, that the law should recognize only marriage between two individuals, not among three or more.

Read the whole article (Nov. 9, 2012). And the one in Salon: The Final Defeat of Backlash Politics (Nov. 9, 2012).

Also: At Modern Poly, here's Jessica Karels' post-election "Victories For Family Equality and Preparing For The Future":

We share common ground with advocates for same-sex marriage. While not all polyamorists seek marriage, we do share the desire to end discrimination based on family structure and relationship choice. Rather than continue to allow those who oppose equality to continue to divide us, we need to reach out and build bridges with our potential allies. To that end, Modern Poly is launching two great projects today....

...Read on.

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On ABC's 20/20, a network of polyfamilies shows how it's done.

ABC-TV

They pulled it off. On ABC's "20/20" last night, a group of eight adults and three kids faced down an incredulous anchor and, for 7½ minutes, displayed to perhaps 5–7 million viewers what a happy poly network of families can look like. Watch it here:



Here's ABC's lovely text article paralleling the segment. It follows the video fairly closely.

I wonder, however, why the word "polyamory" never once appeared in the article or on air. It's not like ABC has been afraid of the word in the past.

The segment was part of a one-hour show titled “The New Sex: Strange Arrangements.” The other parts were an interview with 50 Shades of Grey author E. L. James, stuff about celebrity sex, and gigolos. (You can watch the whole thing.)

A leading spokesperson for the poly group was Sierra Black, who has recently written about her open marriage and raising her children in it for Salon and the parenting sites Strollerderby and Babble.com. Here's her blog Childwild, in which she's been talking about the 20/20 experience. Excerpt:

I did this because I wanted to give mainstream America a peek at a healthy, happy, thriving circle of poly families. It’s my hope that we’ve done just that, and that this is a step toward a future where news shows won’t want to do segments on how “kooky” polyamory is, because it’s just a thing some people do. I am fairly confident positive portrayals on TV can make a difference, and I’m grateful to ABC for their approach in this one.

My great thanks go out to ABC, 20/20 and in particular anchor Elizabeth Vargas and our producers Marc and Michael. I felt they gave a respectful, balanced portrayal of our family life and relationships.

I’m also grateful beyond words to the family, friends and loved ones who appeared in the segment: thank you for your courage and wisdom. To those who counseled me off-screen, practiced interviews, loaned me pretty things to wear (thanks mom!), hosted the viewing party, recorded the show and were there when I needed a hand to hold or a kind word: thank you from the bottom and the top and every in between part of my heart. This couldn’t have happened without each of you.

Another Strollerderby regular posts,

...Watching Sierra’s relationship profile on TV just now, I realized how incredibly stable her unusual family is.

The best part, I thought, was listening to Sierra’s elder daughter Rio describe her parents’ open marriage. From ABC News:

You might think Sierra and Martin’s daughters think their parents’ arrangement is unusual, but when “20/20″ anchor Elizabeth Vargas asked their daughter, Rio, if she thought her family was different from other families, she replied, “Not really.”

Rio’s definition of an open marriage was fairly precise, for a 7-year-old: “Your parent or one of your parents is dating a different person that’s not part of your family,” she said.

Vargas proved herself a bit conventional during the interview process, asking questions like, “Aren’t you just committing adultery?” The obvious answer is, of course not, though Sierra and her husband Martin gave an even better retort. “As Martin put it, ‘There’s no cheating.’ Sierra added, ‘We are committed to being an open book with each other, and it’s all based on a really high degree of love and trust.’”

Precisely.... There’s communication, dialogue, even bargaining amongst those involved about the types of behaviors that are acceptable to all parties and those that are off limits. I don’t doubt that more marriages could benefit from that kind of honesty.

In a tweet, anchor Elizabeth Vargas commented to a viewer right afterward, "i will admit, i really dont get it. But they all seem to really care about each other. Just cant imagine it myself..."

Update: Sierra writes us, "I'm trying to encourage positive feedback about the 20/20 piece to ABC. If you liked ABC's take on #polyamory, let them know @ABC2020 [twitter] or leave a supportive comment on this article: http://abcn.ws/IvnyTS .

"PS -- I saw you mentioned that the word polyamory wasn't used in the piece. The producers were confused about what polyamory means. They thought it was always and only households with three or more adults living together as equal partners; what you probably think of as polyfidelity or plural marriage. We tried to set them right about it and I think mostly succeeded, but they seem to have wound up thinking any term of art was confusing and just going with 'open marriage.' Meh."

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"Honey, I'm Home From My Date: Mass. Families Open Up About Open Marriage"

ABC News


Update: The show aired and yup, darn good. The host struck an incredulous tone (this is normal), but whole extended group got to explain their community of loving relationships and the benefits to the marriages within the group, to the group as a whole, and to their kids. Who had their say too. For 7½ minutes altogether. You can watch it here; click "Two Marriages, Many Lovers."

The article below includes a fair amount of what was said. Good job, people.

--------------------

Just ahead of tonight's "20/20" segment on polyfamilies (as part of the show airing Friday April 20th), ABC News has put up a wonderful companion article on the web.

Honey, I'm Home From My Date: Mass. Families Open Up About Open Marriage

By MARC DORIAN and MICHAEL MENDELSOHN

To most people, the idea of their loved one dating and having passionate sex with other people is repellent. But for two married couples -- with children -- in Somerville, Mass., and thousands more across the country, this is the happy, stable norm.

Sierra Black, 33, is a writer for a popular parenting website. She's been married to Martin, 47, for almost nine years. Martin is a research scientist at a nearby university. (Martin and others in this article will be identified only by first names.)

Though most nights they're home together to put their two young daughters, ages 7 and 4, to bed, on other nights Sierra might be found canoodling with her lover, Aaron, and Martin might go on a sleepover date with his tall, blond girlfriend, whom we'll call J.

..."I make [dates with J] the least disruptive as possible," said Martin. "Sometimes, we just go out and have dinner ... and other times I have a sleepover. And I let [my kids] know that I'm having one, so if they wake up at night ... [and] need to go to bathroom, they know that I'm not there, but I'll be back in the morning."

You might think Sierra and Martin's daughters think their parents' arrangement is unusual, but when "20/20" anchor Elizabeth Vargas asked their daughter, Rio, if she thought her family was different from other families, she replied, "Not really."

Rio's definition of an open marriage was fairly precise, for a 7-year-old: "Your parent or one of your parents is dating a different person that's not part of your family," she said.

Sierra and Martin are very close friends with another local couple: Molly, 35, and David, 43. They have an open marriage, too, and are parents of a 6-year-old daughter. Those aren't the only things the two couples share.

Martin's girlfriend, J, is also David's girlfriend.

...Said Molly, "I get a lot back from this. I have a tremendous amount of love and support in my life, and that is because I have all these strong relationships."

These extracurricular relationships are not fleeting affairs and the couples aren't "swingers." Though Molly and David have been married for 12 years, Molly has been seeing Mark for five years, and David has been seeing J for three. Molly and Sierra have also been intimate for three years. And friendships were often cultivated years before things got intimate.

Honest, continuous communication is key, say many couples with open marriages.

As Martin put it, "There's no cheating."

Sierra added, "We are committed to being an open book with each other, and it's all based on a really high degree of love and trust."

"They have a very specialized ethical code," according to Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a former sociology professor at Georgia State University who has studied people in open relationships for 15 years. "There's a real ethical basis by which they manage their relationships. In the end they may even be more egalitarian and kinder than those in monogamous relationships...which are often on auto-pilot."

...Molly and David have a daughter. But what kids of open marriages see, Molly said, "is lots of stable relationships with people who chose them consciously and happily."

Clinical psychologist Esther Perel, who wrote about open marriages in her book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and Domestic, said "...You're giving the message to your children that this is an important dimension of life and that you take it seriously and that you negotiate it with care, with responsibility, and with respect."

Indeed, when "20/20" caught up one night with Sierra, Martin, David, Molly, Mark, Aaron, Romy and J, they were having a tame evening, with the three children joyfully playing around.

To those who might criticize such a family life, Molly said, "We all put so much love and effort into this life that we've created for our children, and saying, 'Oh, you're a bad parent' because you've chosen to structure your relationships in such and such a way -- I find that hurtful."

...Could open marriage join premarital sex, interracial marriage, gay rights and easy access to contraception on the list of former taboos now widely accepted in mainstream society?

"I don't think that open marriage will become a dominant model," said Esther Perel. "But it will become one of the many models for relationships. ... [T]here isn't one-size-fits-all."

Read the whole article (April 20, 2012). And add a comment.

The show's permanent online home should eventually be here.

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"Coming Soon To A TV Near You: My Family on 20/20"

Remember Sierra Black? The poly mom who did such bright, clear articles about her life and family a few months ago on Salon, Strollerderby, and Babble.com?

This Friday night (April 20) she and hers will go before perhaps 5 million people on ABC's "20/20".

She posts (reprinted with permission):

Coming Soon To A TV Near You: My Family on 20/20

My household, along with several of my friends and loved ones, are being profiled by 20/20 about our ethical nonmonogamy, a.k.a. polyamory, a.k.a. open marriage. The part where Martin and I are happily married and also happily dating other people, whatever you want to call that.

The episode is scheduled to air this Friday, April 20, at 10 p.m. EDT [9 p.m. CDT] on ABC.

Here’s what I hope you will do with this information:

1. Spread the word. I’d love for there to be a large contingent of engaged, progressive viewers for this show. 20/20 has a typical audience of 7 million people. Most of my friends (probably most of your friends) are not their target demo. Let’s represent!

2. Watch the show. It’s bound to be interesting. The whole piece is on the “evolution of marriage”, and will feature my family, some of my friends and lovers, and another poly community in Seattle. They’ve talked to some interesting authors and researchers as well.

3. Record it and send me a copy. I’ve figured out how I’m going to watch the episode when it airs, due to the graciousness of one of my dear friends who has a TV and knows how to use it. I have not figured out how I’m going to keep a recording of this madness for future reference. If you can easily record it, please do!

4. Thank ABC for their work. Remember that audience I was talking about? This is a controversial topic. I’m sure they’ll get plenty of criticism for covering it at all. It’d be great to know they’re also getting positive feedback. So even if they fuck it up, let’s say thank you and offer constructive critique.

5. Give me some lovin’. I’m exposing myself and my family to a huge amount of public scrutiny and criticism. Throughout this process I’ve worried about everything from how my relationships will be portrayed to what middle America will think of my housekeeping. I can’t overstate how much support from readers means to me. Your kind words keep me going. Please offer me constructive feedback and support if you can. This goes double for everyone else who was involved, if you’re lucky enough to know the other cast members.

Here's her original post.

The title of the episode is "Strange Arrangements: The New Sex." ABC has put up a video promo. It's pretty sensationalized, but that's what promos tend to do.

The show's written description sounds much better. The open-marriage segment seems to be the third of four in the one-hour show:

Wives with boyfriends and husbands with girlfriends… female celebrities breaking the taboo and talking about sex in ways they never have before… women paying cute guys to date them… open marriages… what’s going on with sexual arrangements in America today? Anchored by Elizabeth Vargas and including the first primetime interview with 50 Shades of Grey author E.L. James, “20/20″ goes inside this new world of strange arrangements....

Reports include:

50 Shades of Grey:....

Celebrity Sex:....

Open Marriage with Kids: With one in two marriages ending in divorce, some couples, instead of blowing up relationships, are quietly expanding them. “20/20″ profiles two couples who are living the open marriage lifestyle while raising kids and growing old together and they say it has made their relationships better. Having other paramours not only spices up their love life but the romantic intimacy builds a kind of extended family that actually helps with childrearing.

Gigolos:...

While we're here, by the way, a reminder. Don't walk into media things unprepared. Look into what the volunteer Polyamory Media Association offers by way of research and discovery before you agree to a TV appearance. And get their advice on how to control the conditions and how you will come across, and be ready to walk away.

After the 20/20 episode airs, it should eventually appear online here.

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Poly Parenting: A Day in the Life

Babble.com

At the high-traffic parenting site Babble.com, on the occasion of Valentine's Day, Sierra posts a new blog article reflecting on her brimming life as a poly parent:

What It’s Like To Be A Parent In An Open Marriage

By Sierra

It’s movie night at my house. Six kids are piled up on the couch downstairs watching "How To Train Your Dragon' and devouring pizza. My girlfriend and I steal a private moment together while our husbands settle the kids in.

We say a sleepy hello, she gets a work call, and I comfort a sad toddler. End of moment. It’s chaos, but happy chaos. There’s a lot of laughter and smiles amid the juggling act of feeding everyone dinner and making sure no one’s view of the dragons is blocked by an elbow.

When the movie ends, my girlfriend and her husband bundle their kid up and head home. My husband, Martin, and I tuck our girls into bed. He tidies up the living room, getting ready for his sweetie to arrive for their date night. I pack up my laptop and head out to a lover’s house. Not for a hot date. We’re getting together to work for a few hours. I’m behind on a deadline.

This is a snapshot of life in an open marriage: busy, happy, full.

At least the way we do it....

...Monogamy was never on the table for us. I’d been practicing polyamory since high school and was dating two other people when I met my husband. Martin had never tried non-monogamy, but he thought I was pretty special and wanted to give it a go. It’s certainly not what our parents wanted for us — I think my mom hoped it might be a phase I’d outgrow — but they’re supportive.

While there are infinite ways to structure an open marriage, my husband and I have one with a few lovers who are closely entwined with our lives. We celebrate birthdays together, and go on family trips. In the decade we’ve been together, I’ve had a handful of lovers, all of whom were close friends before they shared my bed. My partners are like extended family — we don’t live together, but we see each other often and our families have close relationships. People take all kinds of approaches to this. Some never introduce their lovers to their kids. Some live together in households where three or more adults are parenting together.

And apparently we’re not that unusual. Around 7 percent of straight couples have arranged some kind of consensual non-monogamy, according to a recent Slate article. Numbers are much higher for gay men and a little lower for lesbians. Still, there’s been little enough research done that these numbers remain fuzzy. What is clear in the research is that practicing polyamory doesn’t make or break most relationships....

Read the whole long, thoughtful article (Feb. 14, 2012). Save it to pass to family and friends if they need something reassuring.

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More on healthy poly families vs. Gingrichy behavior

"Open marriage" rocketed in Google News rankings after Newt Gingrich's second wife dropped her bomb on Thursday and he responded with a flame-throwing condemnation of... the news media. Amid the attention, advocates of healthy, ethical open relationships and polyamory have been seizing this chance to tell their stories of how it can be done right — with agreement and caring and kindly love all around.

I posted a bunch of these yesterday, from some of the world's foremost media. Here are a couple more, both by Sierra Black, stressing the benefits that her caring poly network provides for raising a family.

On the mom-site Babble.com, "for a new generation of parents":

Strollerderby:
Open Marriage Isn’t So Bad

...While that seems like a slimy request from a cheater trying to wiggle out of having betrayed his wife, Newt’s not alone in wanting non-monogamy. Anywhere from 1 % to 10% of couples are living intentionally non-monogamous lives.

My husband and I are among them, and we’re pretty happy with our arrangement.

Tonight after we tuck the kids in, my husband will kiss me goodnight and head over to his girlfriend’s house. It’s not a secret or a problem; that’s just how our marriage works. We both have other partners.

I don’t know what we’d do without them. Our friends and family are wonderful, but it’s my girlfriend I call when I need a ride to the hospital with a sick kid. There’s something about the intimacy of a romantic relationship that makes me feel better about asking her if I can bring my vomiting child in her car.

I don’t know how monogamous couples do it....

Whole article (Jan. 21, 2012).

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On Salon:

Our successful open marriage

My husband and I may seem strange for wanting multiple partners. To my kids, this is what normal looks like.

By Sierra Black

I spent a recent weekend up in Maine with my girlfriend and our three kids. We went on long canoe trips, made mountains of buttery waffles, and read Rainbow Fairy books aloud till the words blurred together on the page. When the kids had gone to bed and the house was quiet, we crawled into bed and had sex so hot I thought the sheets might catch fire.

When I got home, I told my husband all about it.

My marriage is open. It’s also happy and stable. After I shared our mountain adventures, he filled me in on the highlights of his weekend: a small triumph at work, some quality time with his girlfriend, a successful home repair. We curled up at the end of the night, watched some old “Dr. Who” episodes and went to sleep in each other’s arms.

I never thought I’d have anything in common with Newt Gingrich. But if the claims that he once asked his ex-wife, Marianne, for an open marriage are true, then we might be more alike than I thought. Unlike that alleged scenario, however (which began with an affair), my husband’s and my open marriage has been based on openness and honesty from day one.

In fact, I’ve never been in a monogamous relationship. This openness in my romantic life stems in part from feminism and in part from idealism. I’m passionate about owning my own sexuality. I can’t stomach the thought of handing the reins of my sexual life to someone else, even someone I love and trust as much as my husband.

I’m also passionate about sharing.... I embraced nonmonogamy, or polyamory as the cool kids like to call it, because I’m good at it. I’m prone to falling for people; my girlfriend likes to say I fall in love with lampposts. I’m good at communication and mediation. I’m bad at rules. Clearly, polyamory was for me.

When I got married and started a family, I just kept doing what I’d always done.

While some people leave polyamory behind with their wild youth, there are large numbers of families that quietly continue to embrace this life while raising kids and growing old together. Some of them form households with several adult “spice” (a humorous plural of spouse). More commonly, they do what I do: live with one spouse, whom they raise kids with, and step out for date nights with other lovers.

...My life sounds complicated, but in many ways it’s routine. The children are the main focus of our attention. My husband and I have three kids. We spend a lot of our time doing the things any parent does: picking the kids up from school, shuttling them to and from activities and birthday parties, cooking them dinner and reading them bedtime stories.

Since we’ve always been poly, I often wonder how monogamous couples do it. I get so much support from my lovers. No one else, not my friends, not my parents, no one, is as willing to deal with the messes and mishaps of parenting as my sweeties. There’s something about romantic intimacy that builds a family-type closeness. These are the people I call when I’m puking my guts out and can’t take care of my kids, the people who call me when their car gets towed and they need a rescue.

Polyamory enthusiasts like to point out that the word means “multiple loves.” They really want to stress the loving commitments people make, the way these networks of relationships support each other. It’s not about the sex, you hear over and over again.

This always makes my girlfriend and me giggle. Here’s a tip: It’s about the sex. If it weren’t, we’d be close friends and I wouldn’t be writing this article....

Whole long article (Jan. 21, 2012).

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National Geographic show to re-air. If you missed the remarkably good TV documentary about a 17-year triad family that the National Geographic Channel aired on January 10th, it'll be on again Tuesday the 24th at 10 p.m. Eastern time. (Schedule.) The 20-minute segment is the second of three in the one-hour "Odd Couples" episode of NatGeo's "Taboo" series. I think it would have come off better if it were not sandwiched between other "odd couples" to gawk at, but still. (The show is not available online.)

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