Polyamory life stories newly in the media

  

●  Erez Benari is an enthusiastic poly activist, highly accomplished in the tech industry and a former stand-up comedian. He was instrumental in getting poly domestic partnerships formally recognized for the 182,000 employees of Microsoft and, more recently, for the 18,000 employees of Nvidia. We'll be hearing more about him; he's in plans for an upcoming project that will benefit the poly movement as a whole. News coming fairly soon.

Meanwhile the Bellevue Chronicle, of Bellevue next to Seattle, just ran a long profile of his lifelong journey into polyamory, and his discovery of the word and the movement by way of Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture: Erez’s Journey to a Polyamorous Lifestyle (Sept. 3).

By Elizabeth Katona

Growing up as an outcast in Israel and showing no interest in traditional “boy” activities like sports and guns, Erez Benari preferred the company of the fictional characters he read about in science fiction novels to his classmates. ... Battling with self-esteem issues and living with neglectful parents, Erez found comfort in frequenting his local library, where he discovered and devoured any book written by [science fiction] author Robert Heinlein.... As Erez grew into a teenager in a society dominated by monogamistic values, Heinlein’s ideas shaped Erez’s personality and he began to embrace the notion that love is not something that should be limited to one person.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. – Robert Heinlein

Commentary here by me: These days you find few polyfolks who were set on their path by Heinlein, but a generation ago they formed a significant part of the then-tiny movement. Heinlein's seminal book launching poly ideas into the science-fiction world was Stranger in a Strange Land, mostly written in the 1950s and published in 1961. The book has aged poorly IMO, with its casual sexism and its wildly wrong science-fiction assumptions about the late 20th century. Nor was it ever useful as a model for real-world poly among humans; its group of multi-loving initiates rely for nearly everything on magic psychic superpowers learned from Martians. But the central ideas in Stranger seized the hearts of countless readers, including me at 17, with almost religious conversions, and it became one of the books credited with making the Sixties happen — to the extent that in 2012, the Library of Congress included it in an exhibition of Books That Shaped America. See my 2010 article Polyamory, Robert Heinlein, and his definitive new biography.

In his late teens, Erez conformed to society’s monogamist notions, dating only one person at a time and entering a relationship where he would feel unfulfilled, but too shy to disrupt the social norms, until he met Dalit. ... His relationship with Dalit helped him to explore the world of non-monogamy and open relationships outside of what he read in Heinlein’s books. This exploration also allowed him to look internally at his own values and the type of relationships he wanted in life.

During his relationship with Dalit, Erez had already been forming a friendship with the woman who would later become his wife. ... Several years into the marriage, Erez met and became close friends with a lesbian woman. She introduced Erez to the world of LGBTQ and the spectrum of sexuality. It was then that Erez realized he was likely bisexual.

...[Later after they moved to America] he found an event called “Kink Lab”. ... During [an] event, Erez was able to get to know other participants, and many of them would speak to him or each other about visiting the “CSPC”.... Erez looked up what the “CSPC” was, and found that it’s short for The Center for Sex Positive Culture, a non-profit organization that has a club in Seattle.

...To Erez, the CSPC felt like home; a place where for the first time in his life he could feel free in his element, interact and talk with people in the community about any topic, and explore himself and his desires safely. His regular attendance at the club over the next year was filled with non-sexual group cuddle sessions and socializing with others in the community about the different types of relationships they had with each other and outside the CSPC.

In 2016, at the age of 42, Erez Benari finally begun to explore the possibility of having polyamorous relationships.

The whole article.

Another profile of Benari in the area, focusing on how his wife left him after deciding she wanted monogamy: Dissolution of Marriage Opens the Road to a New Life (Northwest Magazine, Sept. 7). 

●  Perhaps your relatives were watching a few days ago when local TV news programs around the country (for example ABC News 7 in Denver and CBS 6 News in Richmond, Virginia) aired this four-minute report: Study finds consensual non-monogamy is more common than people realize (Sept. 1).

It mostly centers on a happy FFM closed triad. Yes, the stereotyped couple-finds-bi-woman triad sometimes works out just fine for everyone — if all of them are right for it, and if all of them go into it clear-eyed and know what they are doing, the unicorn especially. Watch here:

If that video fails you can watch it on the page of this accompanying article, which is mostly a transcript of the video. Portions:

Reported by Elizabeth Ruiz

 

Aaron Meir, Rachael Meir, and Kasey Kershner are in a closed poly triad. The Meirs are married and Kershner is their girlfriend. They call themselves Triad and True on social media. The three of them have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship for more than two years.

“A triad specifically is three people who are in a relationship where we are all connected," Kershner said. "So we each have relationships in addition to our relationship altogether.”

Rachel, Kasey, Aaron

The three are exclusive with each other, which is why they call themselves a "closed poly triad."

Their story starts with the Meirs who got married 14 years ago. They say they had a very happy and healthy relationship. However, Rachael is bisexual, so they decided to search for another partner.

“If there was any void or anything that was missing, it was simply because Aaron isn’t a girl," Rachael said. "He can’t change that.”

They ultimately decided they wanted to have a deep, emotional connection with a third person in their relationship. They found Kershner on a dating app. After some serious conversations, they formed a triad.

“Rachael and I are very different people, and it’s great that Kasey is almost in the middle like from a day-to-day perspective," Aaron said. "Kasey and I love sports, Rachael hates sports, Rachael and Kasey like rom-coms, I don’t like rom-coms. It’s really nice to have that dynamic.”

Just recently, they started sharing their story with family, friends, and the world.

“It’s one of those things that you don’t get to see what relationships like ours look like because so many people hide it and it’s all very behind closed doors, smoke and mirror type of things, and it really is so much more common than people know,” Kershner said.

Researchers conducted a study to find out how common it really is. Dr. Amy Moors is a co-chair on the Committee of Consensual Non-Monogamy with the American Psychological Association.

“In this study, we found that about one out of five people in the U.S. have engaged in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point during their life," Dr. Moors said. "And to help put that into perspective, that’s as common as how many people own a cat in the U.S.”

Dr. Moors says her study found that one in 20 people in current relationships are engaged in a non-monogamous relationship, and one out of nine people say a non-monogamous relationship would be ideal for them.

“People engaged in consensually non-monogamous relationships [often] have really satisfying and committed and trusting relationships," Dr. Moors said. "Yet people believe that they don’t so that’s part of why the stigma is so robust surrounding these relationships.”

Kershner says she experienced the negative mental health impacts of being secretive about their triad until they finally came out. ... Now, the three say they feel a sense of relief being their true, authentic selves and they’re able to cast the hatred and misunderstandings from other people aside.

“There are fears around ‘Kasey’s 10 years younger, is she just going to replace me, is Aaron just ready for something new, is she going to come to take our money... and we’re just very open to say ‘Those are all fair, legitimate, valid questions and no, we’re just three individuals created a unique, different, non-traditional lifestyle because we have different sets of interests or different wants,” Rachael said. ...

The study discussed in the report has no particularly new news for readers here. Its sample was large (N = 3,438) and was derived from the US Census to be demographically representative, but it was limited to single people. And unfortunately, the questionnaire for the subjects defined polyamory as being "in a committed, sexual and romantic relationship with multiple people at the same time" — inexplicably leaving out a key definition of all form of consensual non-monogamy, even as stated in the body of the paper itself: with the knowledge and consent of all partners. This lapse in the questionnaire muddies the results by including secret cheaters and livers of double lives.

I don't know all the research literature, but the best attempt I have seen to determine the prevalence of actual polyamory, as sharply defined in several different ways, is this one by Alicia Rubel and Tyler Burleigh. It used data gathered in 2013 but wasn't published until 2018. I'm sure the numbers in a 2021 repeat would be greater, especially the number of Americans who self-identify as poly by the standard full-knowledge-and-consent definition. Someone ought to replicate that study today (hopefully with a larger sample).

● In New York magazine's "The Cut," a time-of-covid quint didn't (spoiler here... ) survive the reopening that was afforded by them all getting vaxxed. I Dated My Entire Quarantine Pod (Sept. 3). "Our polyamorous fivesome kept me sane during the pandemic. Then the world opened up again."

By Rachel Cromidas

Plenty of other people developed pods, tight-knit groups of two to ten people who exclusively gathered together before there was a vaccine. But ours was different. Over the course of 2020, my pod became a committed, closed, polyamorous fivesome — a relationship structure that implies some exclusivity, like monogamy, except with more than two people involved. I don’t just mean a fivesome as in just sex between five people, but a full relationship, with agreements, expectations, and regular date nights that formed a protective shell against the apocalyptic world around us. It was as unlikely as anything else about 2020. ...

Read on. 

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Rudy Giuliani's daughter Caroline comes out as a proud and insightful ENM unicorn

Instagram

Caroline Rose Giuliani, who has described herself as "multiverses apart, politically and otherwise" from her father Rudy (the screwy former lawyer of Donald Trump) is making news with a personal memoir just out in Vanity Fair.  The title is clickbaity: A Unicorn’s Tale: Three-Way Sex With Couples Has Made Me a Better Person (online March 4). But the story is full of arrestingly intelligent insights from a thoughtful and fearless person. Excerpts:

Intimacy between two people is like ping-pong, but with three people, it’s like volleying a ball with no net, and no blueprint. That openness has changed my life.

...I now understand that my curiosity, open-mindedness, and sense of adventure are three nonnegotiable, defining elements of my identity. But it wasn’t until I started sleeping with couples that I shed my shame about those qualities, let alone embraced them in all areas of my life. Finding the strength to explore these more complicated, passionate aspects of my personality became the key to harnessing my voice and creative spark, which in turn helped me better cope with depression, anxiety, and the lingering cognitive effects of adolescent anorexia.

...When people think about three-ways, intimacy may not be the first thing to come to mind.... But when a couple invites me into their bed, I not only get welcomed into the midst of their preexisting connection, but also get to forge a new one with them based on their trust that I will respect the boundaries of their relationship. This is a vulnerable position all around: for the couple in opening their connection to a newcomer, and for the unicorn in entering a power dynamic where they are the only one without an established teammate.

...Once I was single, I immediately began to make up for lost time. I took soul-nourishing psychedelic trips into the desert with friends. I broke my stainless steel bed frame with tons of great (and safe) sex. Of all of the variants of ecstasy I experienced during that period, the ecstasy of unbridled self-discovery was the most metamorphic. I had gone through various experimentation phases throughout high school and college, but those bold (sometimes unwise) choices were inextricably intertwined with adolescent angst and rebellion. Finding my wildness as an adult was much more peaceful—it was not reacting or crying out but intentionally searching.

You know how unicorns and the couples hunting them are regarded in the polyamory world? Well,

...I knew the fearful charge around dating couples meant there was something to learn. So, as one does with all of life’s burning questions, I googled and discovered Feeld.... As I scrolled and chatted, I felt a common vibe unifying many of the profiles, but the range of gender identities, sexual orientations, and diverse interests made it difficult to articulate what that commonality was. Then it dawned on me that this common thread was... the commitment to embracing one’s own nonconformity, the celebration of individualism and sexuality without shame. Most people I talked to on the app would probably take being labeled “weird” as a compliment; I always had, but many of my exes had not. It was refreshing to be on a platform where radical open-mindedness was the baseline, and it cemented how important that value is to me...

As with any online forum, I had to weed out the occasional creep, but in general, the people I connected with were clear communicators and more transparent about difficult subjects like STD status than I had ever encountered before.

...I was pleased to discover that, having been a submissive myself, finding the language to turn Isabella on came naturally to me. I was, in turn, very turned on by turning her on. By the time I was waiting for Isabella and Oliver at the bar with those first-date jitters, I wasn’t sure if our sexual preamble would make things awkward. I soon learned that traditionally awkward moments tend not to stay awkward between open and direct people.

From the moment I greeted the couple—and realized I needed to decide whom to acknowledge first—it became clear how different this experience was going to be from any previous date. On a two-person date (and certainly on a heteronormative one), there tends to be an unconscious blueprint of the basic order of operations: you sit across from each other at the table, ask each other questions, maybe argue over the check. ... The fluidity of the situation made autopilot impossible, which made me realize how often I do go on autopilot, in dating and otherwise. I thought more consciously about what I wanted to do or say in each moment. At whom did I want to bat my new eyelash extensions? Did I want to ask questions about him, her, or their relationship? Even small details like the seating arrangement required more active attention. (I later learned that Isabella and Oliver specifically chose a venue with circular tables so that I didn’t feel like they were interviewing me.)

A truism among some people in the polyam world is that you can't date a relationship, only individual people. Well, 

I’m not sure if Aristotle was a unicorn, but the whole is definitely greater than the sum of a couple’s parts. A unicorn not only dates the individuals, but also dates the relationship. This third force to flirt with is undoubtedly the most interesting one. My mind became a lens through which Isabella and Oliver got to know each other better. I got an unexpected rush from asking Isabella a question about her childhood that Oliver had never thought to ask her in their years of dating....

...For the rest of the night, as well as on future dates with other couples, I found myself seducing the connection between the partners more than either of them individually. Feeling my perspective stoke their attraction to one another was like taking a visceral tour of the inner workings of their mutual magnetism, which was simultaneously arousing and fascinating.

...Many aspects of the encounter were pleasurable and fun, but the most engrossing sensation was feeling Oliver’s palpable love for Isabella flow through me. There was no doubt that his desire to fulfill her was the deeper motivation for filling me. Texting with Isabella a few weeks after our threesome, I told her about feeling Oliver’s passion for her permeate me. Sharing this unique perspective on their relationship was among our most intimate moments. ... Being someone who people like Oliver and Isabella entrust with their most cherished relationship ... reminds me of the specific beauty inherent in my open way of being—a way that has gotten me slut-shamed for most of my life (and still does).

I know now that I am empathetic, radically open-minded, profoundly adventurous, and fiercely committed to telling stories that reduce the stigma surrounding sexuality and mental health—including this one, right now. Before I started living the unicorn life, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to list those qualities or even feel certain that they are positive traits. Even now, I feel the urge to disclaim that I’m also excessively aware of my many flaws. But if you cannot identify and be proud of your strengths, it’s impossible to nurture them in the face of self-doubt.

In these sexually-limiting pandemic times, reliving my spicy threesome memories has been a much-needed, COVID-free crutch for a single gal and her vibrators. More notably, though, it has made me take stock of how many emotionally intelligent friends I’ve made ... probably because of their willingness to navigate complicated interpersonal issues. Regardless of sexual activity, I’m still friendly with every single couple I’ve met through ethical non-monogamy. This sex-positive community has emphasized for me that one size does not fit all, which means I am also not trying to disparage anyone who prefers complete monogamy. In fact, I hope to eventually find a “monogamish” relationship, like many of the couples I’ve dated have. I want a bond strong and trusting enough to experience threesomes from the couple’s perspective, but like unicorns, such relationships are rare. 

...One of the most frustrating misconceptions about sexually adventurous people is that we are somehow less responsible. But the opposite may be true. Shining a communal light on sexuality makes it harder for darkness, like assault and trauma, to fester. ... 

Go read the whole thing.

This piece is getting news coverage all over, in more than 100 outlets as of this morning. A Google News search if you're interested.


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As unicorn hunting spreads,Vice nails it.

Remember when polyamory was so obscure that anyone who'd heard of it was almost surely a kind, big-hearted utopian dreamer who got it the same way you did? Or so it seems through the rosy lenses of memory.

People entering the scene today have never known a time when you didn't need to be so cautious as you do now.

As ever, deep and honest communication from Day 1 about who you are, what you want, and what you don't is crucial. As ever, this means knowing yourself and standing up for yourself — and speaking with integrity. But nowadays a lot of clueless ordinaries and outright bullshitters are using the polyamory buzzword to suggest that they are something they are not.

Fortunately many media are educating about this, such as Vice yesterday. Excerpts:

Bisexual Women Explain Why They Hate Being 'Unicorn Hunted' for Threesomes

Ella Strickland de Souza

As nonmonogamous dating and polyamory have become more popular, the practice of couples using dating apps to deceive women into being their mythical 'third' is on the rise.

By Sophie Hemery

Chloe*, who is bisexual, had her dating app set to exclude men when she matched with Cat. Though Cat's profile mentioned being interested in "someone to join" her and her boyfriend, it also said she was up for dating solo. Chloe clarified that she wasn't interested in a threesome, and the two of them shared what she describes as "fast-track intimacy." Two dates and some sex later, Cat abruptly called things off over text.

"I did feel a bit let down because I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable," Chloe tells me. But it wasn’t until one more text came that she felt actual animosity. "It was something along the lines of: 'I hope this isn’t too much, but would you be up for meeting me and my boyfriend?' " Chloe was angry and hurt. "I feel like the connection we shared was actually just to manipulate me into a threesome. To reel me in." Upon reflection, she feels the experience was "toxic and actually kind of dehumanizing."

As nonmonogamous dating and polyamory have become more popular in recent years, sex educator Ruby Rare tells me that having a threesome with another woman has become something of a gateway drug for heterosexual couples.... "The reality is that there are lots of people getting involved in these conversations who might not have much education" around sexuality, gender, and feminism — which isn’t surprising, considering the state of sex-ed in schools.

..."Unicorn hunting refers to people looking for somebody to be the perfect fit for what they want sexually or romantically," says author and academic-activist Meg-John Barker. "Often the phrase is used in the context of man/woman couples who are searching for a 'hot bi babe' who will fancy them both equally and join them for a threesome. ...

"Some of the criticism of unicorn hunting is about it coming from a heteronormative standpoint, where the needs of the man/woman couple is prioritized and where there might be a sense that it's for the man's benefit — wanting to see his partner with another woman," Barker adds. "Where his partner's sexuality is assumed to be flexible in a way his is not. Perhaps even all about his desire, not hers, and not the other woman's."

...Even users of lesbian dating apps such as HER aren't safe, with many users reporting unicorn hunters commonly popping up in their potential matches.

In response to the proliferation of unicorn hunting on all kinds of dating apps, there is a Facebook community with over 9,000 members devoted to sharing experiences of being "hunted." Some women-who-date-women now feel compelled to open their app profiles with lines like "I am not your unicorn," "No, I don't want to meet/fuck your boyfriend," and, "No threesomes please." ...

Francesca — who had a threesome she feels was "very male gaze-y," after being unicorn hunted online — says she feels bisexual women are hunted most often in this way because they "are seen as greedy and promiscuous and always up for sex" according to societal stereotypes. "A lot of it feels really essentializing and potentially exploitative," she says. ...

"Hitting people up for threesomes isn’t a very consensual thing to do unless they have specifically said in their profile that they are open to this," says sex educator Justin Hancock. ...

Zoë... says her main problem with it is that couples are usually deceitful in their approach, and end up reinforcing oppressive structures such as patriarchy and heteronormativity.

"I find that typically guys use their girlfriends as bait," she says. ... Zoë has been "duped quite a few times in what is supposedly a queer space. ... I really have a problem with the duplicitous approach that couples have, to move under the radar in queer or progressive sexuality spaces."...

Holly experienced this dynamic after matching with Clara, who was in a nonmonogamous relationship with a man. Her and Clara became close, and it was only after two years of dating and friendship that she "suddenly realized that the plan the whole time… was just to get me to sleep with her boyfriend."

In Priya’s case, initially she was interested in having a threesome with the couple who sought her out online—but in the end she found their approach disrespectful. While she had been enjoying getting to know the woman over text, one day "the woman disappeared and suddenly the man took over." Priya said this felt "weird," like her connection with the woman was insignificant. ...

This kind of treatment has left much of the queer community with a sour taste surrounding unicorn hunting. "A couple looking for someone together isn’t inherently problematic," says Zoë, "but the idea that: 'This is my partner, and this is someone I’m just fucking who I don’t really give a shit about but is fulfilling my needs right now.' ...

-------------------------------

Luna Matatas — who describes herself as "a card carrying unicorn"—started teaching workshops on pleasurable group sex after a "ton of terrible" experiences. "I'd say 95 percent of the time, I felt like I was being invited into a couples' space as an 'invited intruder' — sort of like, 'We want you here, but don't get too close, don't take up too much space with your desires…"

Luna can now spot red flags on app profiles — such as those asking for "no drama" and not detailing anything about their interests or positive traits

"When I teach, it's the exact same problems that come up all the time — the couples are usually very protective around their own needs and desires… and they forget that the other person is not just there to serve them." She urges couples to think about what they’re offering someone else. Her own best threesome felt positive from the outset.... And crucially, she says, the couple "recognized their couples' privilege." The couple put her comfort and pleasure at the center of the experience, and they were "treating me and them like three separate people."

...And if a couple would prefer someone to enact their fantasy? Maybe they should consider paying a sex worker rather than asking a bisexual woman to do it for free.

Follow Sophie Hemery on Twitter.

The whole article (June 10, 2019).


● Also, wise advice from Page Turner on her Poly.Land site: 10 Questions to Ask a Couple in Order to Vet Them for Dating (Feb. 7, 2019).


● Happy, healthy unicorning does happen, as I've said before. Some women (and bi guys) find that being a couple's secondary or friend-with-benefits fits into their life well. But they take care to maintain their independence and autonomy. They tend to be fearless about rooting out unexamined couply assumptions and spreading them on the table under a bright light for discussion. Such intentional unicorns, being on the good side of a supply/demand imbalance, can pick their couples as carefully as they like. And/or have as many as they want.


● Last year I posted a news-article roundup titled Unicorn Hunting as a Widely Recognized Thing. It became the 5th most read of my 1,536 Polyamory in the News posts since I started this thing in 2005.


● Of course Kimchi Cuddles has many comics on the topic (click back through "previous"). For instance...

Kimchi Cuddles, used by permission. Click to enlarge.

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Unicorn Hunting as a Widely Recognized Thing

Posted to a Facebook poly group:

Wish we could find someone near [town], NV, there must be a lady out there somewhere that is looking for a loving couple. I see all the other comments from other couples looking for the same situation let me tell you there is probably more chance of you winning the lottery.

From Michigan:

ANY bi lady AT ALL out there want to start the new year in a new direction with a nice, kind, attractive couple? PLEASE let us know. Don't know ANY other way of finding her....... :(

Craigslist, Sunnyvale CA:

POLYAMORY LESBAMORY Looking for open minded woman to join our relationship/marriage. Must love babys and dogs....

From Ohio, on Reddit:

We are a married couple that I at least feel we are decently attractive. ... We have tried every dating app and site that I can find even several dedicated specifically to the polymarorous lifestyle. I am getting rather discouraged as is my wife who is very eager to explore with another woman. We just want some advice on what we are doing wrong.

An answer to that question, downvoted to oblivion:

The only advice I can give you is patience. My Fianceé and I are keen on triads ourselves and have had moderate success due to two things. Patience and staying away from online poly communities who have a strict enforcement of their interpretation of how non monogamy works.

For some background to better explain, I'm an emotionally detached ex special forces man who is so straight shooting that 65% of people don't like me because quite frankly I don't give a fuck what you think if you did something dumb we need to fix it and that's okay. ...

On Craigslist in Nevada:

We are a very happy stable couple of 12 years.... You have to be willing to participate with both of us...one on one and together and u must be willing to ensue a relationship with us.... female is 33, 5'8 size 10-12....

Kimchi Cuddles, used by permission. Click to embiggen.

 
Newcomers to the poly world, and there are lots of them these days, are often confused or offended by the community's reaction to "unicorn hunters."

A unicorn, of course, is an unattached hot bi woman ready to join a couple and slot into the role they have pre-designed for her — stereotypically that she will love them both equally, have sex only with both of them together so one won't get jealous, have no other relationships, and maybe do housework and childcare. And be dumpable at any moment by both of the couple if one of them gets the wibbles.

Some women who've been around this loop swear never to fall in love with a couple again.

Happy unicorns exist. Some women, and the occasional bi guy, find that being a couple's secondary or friend-with-benefits fits into their life well. But they take care to maintain their independence and autonomy. They tend to be fearless about rooting out unexamined assumptions and spreading them on the table under a bright light for discussion. Such intentional unicorns are on the nice side of a severe supply/demand imbalance, so they can take their pick. And/or have as many couples as they want.


● The wider world is starting to notice the poly unicorn trope and write about it. For instance, in the mainstream Business Insider:

What it means for couples to go 'unicorn hunting' — and why it usually doesn't end well

...Sometimes couples try out polyamory naively, especially when a straight couple wants to find another bi woman to join them. This is called "unicorn hunting," and it's something of a cliché in the poly community.

rawpixel.com / Unsplash

... But it's not as simple as finding a third person you both fancy. In fact, according to Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, expert witness, speaker, and coach of polyamory and author of The Polyamorists Next Door, straight couples often come into the polyamorous community expecting to find a bi woman to join them. This, she said, is called "unicorn hunting."

Sheff's former husband introduced her to the idea of polyamory with exactly this intention. He wanted another woman to sleep with, but he didn't particularly want her to be able to meet other men. Apparently in the poly community, this is quite a cliché.

"She's known as 'the unicorn' because she's so rare, and almost mythical," Sheff told Business Insider. "He thought he was so edgy and out there, and we could have a wife the two of us together.

"As it turns out, it's every straight boy's fantasy. It doesn't fly well in the poly community. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he had a tantrum, and didn't want to do it anymore."

When couples can't find a unicorn, Sheff said it's common that the woman has actually started to quite enjoy the freedom of polyamory. She may have been reluctant to try it at first, but turns out to be the one who enjoys it more.

"The woman of the couple finds other people to socialise with, and the man realises he's not the centre of attention that he [expected to] be, and thinks 'This isn't as much fun as I thought it would be," Sheff said. ...

Remember — everyone has feelings

Alex* is in a polyamorous relationship with his wife. They were monogamous for a long time, but ended up making friends with many polyamorous people, and it turned into quite a normal thing in their social circle.

He told Business Insider he's not aware of a situation where a male-female couple actively seeking a bi woman has worked out well.

..."The stereotype at least is that unicorn hunting couples are looking to treat a partner as an object in their relationship," he added. "They want someone — maybe anyone, reducible to their gender, sexuality, and availability — that fits into their lives and fits their relationship without thinking about the needs and human perspectives of the person they're looking for."...

The whole article (Nov. 29, 2017).

So if you're a well-meaning couple with genuinely big hearts who's looking, what should you do?

Make friends. Lots of them! Lively, thoughtful, socially unconventional friends. Be the kind of friend you want to attract. Seek out your local poly groups, sure, and go to poly cons. But this is not about finding a hole-filler for your marriage. It's about making intimate space for friends who, if cupid's arrows fly, might like to become more.


● Splinter, part of the Gizmodo Media Group of online magazines, goes deeper: Bisexual women don’t want to be your sex ‘unicorn’ (July 19, 2016)

By Lux Alptraum

...Holly’s an open-minded, adventurous sort, interested in exploring all sorts of kinks and adventures, particularly with other people who are as queer as she is. But one thing she’s not interested in? Being the third in a random heterosexual couple’s threesome.

...Despite the fact that Holly explicitly notes that she’s very particular about her group sex experiences, she still gets message after message from couples who clearly haven’t read her dating profile, desperately hoping that they’ve finally found their unicorn.

The term is a familiar one to bisexual women like myself — and it may become known to a wider audience thanks to a new web series called Unicornland, which offers a celebratory vision of what it’s like to be a woman seeking adventure in the arms of couples. The series stars a 28-year-old divorcee named Annie who decides to explore her sexuality and expand her relatively vanilla horizons by dating couples looking for a third.

Alamy

But missing from the show’s premise is a darker truth to the concept of the unicorn. ... As any bisexual woman who’s spent time on a dating app knows, she’s a fantasy come to life, a person willing to show up for a night of excitement and quietly disappear immediately after, a third who’ll ignite a couple’s passions without complicating their emotions. A unicorn is a creature who’ll bring all the sexy fun without creating any drama, baggage, or need for emotional work—and the reason she’s called a unicorn is because, quite frankly, she doesn’t exist.

What does exist, however, are leagues of unicorn hunters: couples on the prowl for the girl of their dreams, the one who’ll bring their fantasies to life without asking anything in return. And though there’s nothing wrong with a couple experimenting with group sex, or using the internet to seek out someone to play with, so many of these couples end up reducing bisexual women to fetish objects, treating us as interchangeable playthings rather than actual human beings. ...

...[The] assumption that being a couple’s third is some sort of special honor shapes the way many threesome seekers approach their would-be unicorns, mapping out elaborate criteria for consideration and often making demands for information and pictures without offering any in return.

...Lost in all of this, of course, is what bisexual women need, or want, or desire. Because while being a tourist in someone else’s relationship can absolutely be a good time, it can also be exhausting, stressful, and emotionally trying. A couple that hasn’t fully prepared for the reality of bringing a third into the bedroom ... is a magnet for drama and disaster, which can easily spill over into the life of an unwitting third. Even if you’re interested in joining a couple for a sexy night of fun, that couple needs to be able to treat you like a person, not a means to an end. Most unicorn hunters don’t seem to have thought enough about their threesome fantasy to realize that.

And there's always been loads about the topic in the poly community itself. What follows is a very partial roundup.

● A deeper, more radical analysis gets to the root on The Mouthy Non-Monogamist's blog: Why couples looking for a third drive polyamorous people stir crazy (Jan. 1, 2018):

Hetero couples seeking another woman to “add to their relationship” represent what happens when people steeped in toxic monogamy culture encounter polyamory. Polyfidelitous triads are seen as a “safe” way to engage in polyamory without having to embrace a full-on rejection of toxic monogamy culture.

...Network polyamory [on the other hand] is inherently feminist. That is, it fully requires that we reject women being property. It also requires that we respect women as autonomous people able to make their own decisions about their sexuality and relationships and to pursue intimacy for its own sake decoupled from the need to form a family and have children.

Polyamorous people reject a whole lot of Western mainstream premises about love, such as:

     – true love exists and that it’s only with one other person
     – relationships’ value is based on their length of time
     – the only way to show commitment is through exclusivity
     – one romantic partner must fill all of your needs
     – jealousy is an acceptable way to show how much you love someone
     – jealousy is a good way to control your partner
     – the only natural outcome of love is marriage and children

...It’s a pretty scary thing, to give up all of these ideas of what love and relationships should be. ... It’s also a radical idea that women can pursue equal and open romantic and sexual relationships with other people. ...

How do closed MFF triads attempt to have their cake and eat it too?

[Among many other ways:] One single home remains the site of family and reproduction, and closed MFF triads just become nuclear families plus one — rather than imagining alternate kinship networks.

I think that newbies in search of closed triads drive many of us polyamorous people crazy because in many ways we’re trying to create an intimacy revolution. Meanwhile others think that they can take a shortcut and not do the mental groundwork to change their assumptions, and still get all of the benefits. For me it’s a wish that these newbies would dream bigger....

● Here's a gentle, respectful, but long piece to give to that sweet new couple who mean so well: So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter? It's a friendly but thorough explanation of the dog poo they just stepped in.

By David L. Noble

...Common issues when opening a relationship

People can actually be perpetuating unhealthy, dysfunctional standards and practices while being completely unaware that they are part of the problem. If anyone has ever described the idea of societal privilege to you, it’s kinda like that. The core of it is, you can be a good person, doing things that seem reasonable from your perspective, and still be part of a problem. It really does take some education, some communication, and a lot of forethought to get this one right. ...

● And of course there's endless snark, such as Franklin Veaux's Flowchart for Couples Looking for a Third.


● A rather bitter perspective in xoJane: Beware the Unicorn Chasers, and Other Tips I've Learned in 10 Years of Polyamory (Aug. 12, 2015)

By Vae Drennan

...In the polyamory community, there is a common desire, especially from married couples who want to "add some spice," for a third. This third is almost always young, female, slender or fit, conventionally attractive, interested in both members of the couple, and completely new to the world of polyamory, with no compass to guide her. If she's lucky, she'll have other poly friends, but this is usually not the case....

If this sounds like a midlife crisis, you're not far off the mark. Usually, the couple is only interested in their secondary for purposes of their satisfaction. They don't care about what their third wants — or maybe they care, but they don't care enough to provide for her emotional needs or to put her "ahead" of the primary partner even temporarily.

In my first polyamorous relationship, I was the unicorn. My exes loved that they'd finally found a bisexual, thin young goth woman with a high sex drive and a willingness to try about anything. At the time I was still recovering from my first relationship....

● A matching pair of articles by Chelsey Dagger on Polyamory For Us: To Unicorns, From an Ex-Unicorn, and To Unicorn Hunters, From an Ex-Unicorn

There are plenty of women who are excited to do threesomes, or live in a triad, as the partner of both a man and a woman. I should know, I’m one of them! But there’s a difference between wanting to be in a triad and Unicorn Hunting.

The main difference is that Unicorn Hunters tend to look at the third partner as an addition to their relationship, instead of realizing that you’re creating a brand new relationship, with three people instead of two.

● Page Turner, book author and Poly.Land blogger, tells of the time she and her husband were hunted by a unicorn. It went rather well; she tells how.

She's also written a little book, A Geek's Guide to Unicorn Ranching: Advice for Couples Seeking Another Partner (2017). The idea is don't hunt them, attract them. "To attract a unicorn, you’ll have to create a sanctuary. Become unicorn ranchers." If that sounds a bit creepy don't worry, Page is good.


● Lastly, because I'm a word geek: Who invented the term unicorn hunter and when? On Facebook's Polyamory Discussion group, Mike SantaCruz claimed that he was there (posted April 8, 2016):

I'd like to share my recollection of how we came up with the term unicorn hunting. Back in the '90s we had mailing lists like Polylist and Triples, as well as Usenet's alt.polyamory. And like Old Faithful, new members would join and immediately declare that they were a couple looking for a Hot-Bi-Babe. This would become wearisome, and many folks would attack the new members as objectifying their desires.

Then some lists formed a militia that would handle these new members quickly and directly without an all-out war. On one list we called them Wanna-Warriors.

One of these Wanna-Warriors likened their request to seeking out a unicorn, a mythical beast that doesn't exist. And from that, we began to call these couples unicorn hunters.

Calling someone a unicorn hunter was a vast improvement over the derision offered in previous years. It was a rhetorical device that was designed to enlighten the couple instead of chase them away. Some people still feel this is too mean, but when used correctly it does have its intended effect.

Kimchi Cuddles, used by permission. Click to embiggen.

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Video: Triad couple divorce so one can remarry their third, making them all legal parents for their kids

Barcroft Media, a UK company that produces video content for media outlets worldwide, has issued a dazzling 4-minute video that's now making the rounds. You could hardly imagine a happier promo for the possibility of finding a unicorn at the end of the rainbow. But here's the kicker: the couple who found her are throwing off their couple privilege in the most radical, legally binding way.



The blurb:

WHEN Cristina and Benno exchanged wedding vows, they never expected another woman would end their marriage. But 12 years later, the parents of three are getting divorced — so that their GIRLFRIEND won’t get jealous. Now either Cristina or Benno Kaiser will marry their 21-year-old lover, Sierra Kuntz, so that all three will have legal rights to their children.

Direct link to video (April 25, 2017). It's currently on Yahoo News, MSN, Barcroft Rumble, the UK's tabloid Sun (with lots of pictures), and a zillion other sites.

Remember, there is no piece of conventional poly wisdom that some people, somewhere, are not breaking successfully.

Here's the text that Barcroft supplies with the video, as it appears on the Sun's site:

Cristina Kaiser, 31, or her husband Benno, 37, will marry their 21-year-old lover, Sierra Kuntz, so that all three will have legal rights to their children

By Sarah Barns

WHEN Cristina and Benno Kaiser exchanged their wedding vows, they never expected another woman would end their marriage.

But 12 years later, the parents of three are getting divorced — so that their girlfriend won’t get jealous.

Benno, a legal assistant, said: “Cristina and I decided this was something that needed to be done in order for Sierra to understand the depth of how much we love her and want her to be part of our family.

Sierra, Benno, and Cristina

“The benefits of one of us marrying her are going to be on many different levels. She is going to be legally considered a parent to the children and, more importantly, it will show her that this is not a temporary thing, we both love her and it’s something that’s meant to be permanent.”

Cristina and Benno met in 2005 when they were both serving in the US military police.

They married four months later, and a year into their marriage they had their first child, Isaiah, now 11, and later, Rebecca, seven, and Brianna, six.

But eventually Cristina, who is bisexual, began to feel as though something was missing from her love life.

Cristina, also a legal assistant, said: “Initially, it was my idea to open the marriage. I brought it to Benno’s attention and told him I would like to introduce women to our relationship to see where it goes.

“Other than that, we had everything going for us. Three kids, a great relationship, and adding Sierra into our lives has just made it a hundred times better, I feel like I’m complete.”

The trio say their three children are happy with their unconventional setup.

Cristina met Sierra at a local shopping centre in Las Vegas. They went on a few dates and to Cristina’s delight, Sierra was willing to join her marriage.

Sierra said: “At first I was very hesitant about getting involved with a married couple. I was worried that I would be disposable and that this was a phase they were going through.

“But when I spent time with them I realised what they wanted and felt this was a situation I could work with, so I jumped on board.”

The relationship progressed and the three decided to take the next step in their ‘three-lationship’.

Benno said: “Sara and Cristina and I all clicked and — shortly after our first date — we knew that we were meant to be with her and that this was something we wanted to pursue.

“It was just the natural course to take — to have her move into the home.

“My feelings for the both are equal. I love them both without question. They are both very much part of my life and I couldn’t imagine living my life without either of them.”

And Benno says that the sexual side of the relationship is also equal — and adventurous. “We share a bed together, we share everything together, so since we met Sierra we have not had a night that we don’t all involve each other in some sort of sexual activity.

“It’s busy. There are lots of hands everywhere. The beauty of what we do is that we can have a very active sexual life and it’s completely safe and it’s with people that we love. I don’t ever have to worry about having a boring sex life 20 years from now when other couples or monogamous couples are. We have a lot of intimacy between all three of us.”

Since moving into the family home, Sierra has become the main caregiver for the trio’s children, staying at home while Benno and Cristina go out to work.

Benno said: “We had talked to our children before this and let them know we wanted to adopt someone and bring somebody into our relationship. Our children have been very supportive of this. They have understood.”

Now Sierra says she feels as much a mother to the children as Cristina, and the children even call her ‘mommy’. “I’m not jealous that the children are not biologically related to me at all. Just because I didn’t birth them doesn’t mean I can’t love them and they can’t love me. That doesn’t hinder my love at all for them.”

The trio admit they have problems like any other relationship.

Sierra said: “There is really not jealousy in our relationship. Sometimes we have a hard time communicating because there are three people instead of two, but we always work through it.”

Benno added: “We have always been the best in every situation and we always work through our problems. Everything is equal, so there is nothing to be jealous of. We are very happy with all three of us together.”

He added: “This lifestyle isn’t for everyone. There are a lot of people that are monogamous and are happy with just being with one person and that’s completely fine.

“Every one of us is different. But before you judge, take a look at our lives and see the benefit of it. I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.”

Update: In the reddit/r/polyamory comments about this post, people discuss whether divorcing and remarrying expands or reduces parental rights, and whether you can "just form an LLC" instead. As always, consult a lawyer in your state about a serious legal matter like this.

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"To Unicorn Hunters, From an Ex-Unicorn"

...Not that there's anything inherently problematic about a couple looking for a hot bi third, to follow up yesterday's post. But you need to discuss and negotiate the relationships thoroughly, respect that things may change, and value the autonomy and agency of everyone. Especially yourself.

In the lesbian online mag Autostraddle, Chelsey Dagger offers a friendly, sympathetic guide to navigating these waters. She runs the poly-education site PolyFor.Us, where this pair of articles first appeared, and co-moderates reddit's polyamory subreddit, now 32,000 strong.

Here are bits to give the idea; click the titles to read.

Part 1: To Unicorn Hunters, From an Ex-Unicorn

Dear Newly Poly Couple,

Welcome to exploring the world of non-monogamy! It’s exciting, scary, exhilarating, tense, thrilling, and any other word you can think of in the rollercoaster of emotions. You’ve already talked about what you want, laid down groundwork, and set rules to make sure that each of you are comfortable. You may have even had a threesome or two already! Now, you’re all set to find a bisexual woman to join your relationship, love both of you, and be just what you both need. Right?

Not really.

...The main difference between people looking for a triad and Unicorn Hunters is that Unicorn Hunters tend to look at the third partner as an addition to their relationship, instead of realizing that you’re creating a brand new relationship, with three people instead of two.

Interrelated Relationships...

Triads are complex.... When you’re in a relationship with three or more people, it doesn’t just mean you have one more person, you have two more relationships, and your relationship with everyone else’s relationship. Sound confusing? It is.

...The point is, everyone gets to decide for themselves, [including as time goes on and things change], and they don’t get placed in a role they didn’t have a part of creating.

Rules, Boundaries, Agreements

There is one big difference between rules, boundaries, and agreements: Rules are set beforehand, without involving the person that has to follow the rules, whereas agreements are negotiated to make sure things are fair for everyone involved....

How To Protect Your Existing Relationship

You don’t.
...

Be Fair

If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: Fair does not mean equal.
...

Date Separately

Yes, this is exactly what you don’t expect to do. But it is important to build relationships with individuals, as individuals....

Part 2: To Unicorns, From an Ex-Unicorn

Hello, this article is for other bisexual women who are interested in dating a couple! You may be brand new to the idea of a relationship with multiple people, or you may have been polyamorous for years now. Maybe one particular couple has approached you, or you might have your eye on a couple yourself. Or maybe you just like the idea of a triad in the first place. Congratulations, in any case! Triads can be happy, healthy, caring relationships. However, there are a lot of pitfalls to watch out for on your way....

...Many times these [mistakes] are not malicious, and if you start a discussion with a couple that displays one or two of these, it can be fixed before it becomes a problem. However, if these are not addressed, they are extremely likely to cause a problem, sooner rather than later.

1) “We want to add a woman to our relationship”...

The problem with this phrase is that it assumes that a woman would be grafted on to the existing relationship. What actually happens when a healthy triad is formed is that a brand new relationship is created between three people. The third person is not just added as an afterthought, but rather each person in the relationship evaluates where they are and where they want to be in the relationship. Everyone has to have an equal say in how the relationship is formed [and stays formed]...

2) “Primary” and “Secondary,” and “Protecting the Relationship”

I deliberately used quotes around the terms “primary” and “secondary”...

3) “If she doesn’t like the rules, she can leave!”...

4) You’re supposed to love them both equally...

5) You can’t have sex with only one of them (but they can have sex without you)...

Go read the whole articles.

She also suggests this long advice piece by David Noble: So somebody called you a unicorn hunter?

That page has further links, including Franklin's So What Is Couple Privilege, Anyway?

A foundational document underlying all of this is Eve and Franklin's Relationship Bill of Rights. It grew out of Franklin's much older A Proposed Secondary's Bill of Rights, which was bitterly controversial at the time (2003); now it's the standard wisdom.

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