THE WEEK: "Everything you wanted to know about polyamory but were afraid to ask"

This counts as Big Media. The Week is a prestigious news magazine with a print circulation of 560,000 and 1.3 million web visits per week. Its readers, it tells advertisers, are "affluent, powerful opinion leaders" with a median household income of $160,000. Its claimed mission: "By analyzing and curating thousands of media sources from around the globe, The Week distills a worldly and balanced, concise view of the issues that matter most."

Yesterday it published this hugely positive feature article on its website — including live links to Loving More, Tristan Taormino's book Opening Up, Sex at Dawn, and Modern Poly's Local Poly Groups Registry:

Everything you wanted to know about polyamory but were afraid to ask

Inside the sex positive world of multiple partners

By Leslie Turnbull

First things first: Maintaining intimate emotional and physical relationships with multiple partners is not for everyone.

American cultural norms steer us toward monogamy — a faithful, one-on-one, forsaking-all-others, 'til-death-do-us-part definition of love and intimacy that usually involves marriage. For a lot of us, this works. For others, it doesn't....

All this begs the question: Is there a functional alternative for those who are not by nature monogamous? One that doesn't involve secrets, dissemblance, and emotional betrayal?

There is.

...The estimated 500,000-plus polyamorous (or "poly") relationships in this country vary in configuration as widely as the people who comprise them, from heterosexual married people who simply date others, to larger, more complex relationship structures that often involve shared living space and raising families. What all truly polyamorous arrangements have in common — and what makes them distinct from secretive infidelity or "cheating" — is a defining characteristic of the practice: transparency. Polyamorists believe that their relationships can thrive only in an environment of complete honesty.

In that spirit, a number of polyamorists agreed to share with me the following pieces of wisdom and advice for those who might be considering "going poly," or those of you who are just curious about the practice.

Polyamorists are just like the rest of us.

...Most poly people are otherwise ordinary Americans who raise families, pay mortgages, and go about their daily routines just like everybody else. If anything, poly people tend to skew a little more intellectual — or "dorky," as one thirty-something biologist describes his poly circle of friends. Perhaps this is because most polyamorists have come to their decision to open their relationships by doing a lot of research....

Polyamory is not just about sex.

...Polyamorous relationships are based as much on emotional intimacy and love as they are on the physical. With many polyamorous arrangements lasting years and even decades, all participants eventually develop a deeper personal connection with one another that may or may not have anything to do with who sleeps with whom and when.

There are practical benefits as well....

Communication is key.

From a couples' first conversation about the possibility of non-monogamy to deciding which of the many poly-family-friendly vacations you three (or four, or five) are going to take the kids to this year, poly people assert the importance of strong, sensitive communication. Why? Because honesty and empathy are the backbone of intimacy and trust, and intimacy and trust are essential to successful polyamorous relationships.

The more people involved, the greater the need for everyone to feel heard, understood, and respected. So be prepared to talk — a lot — with your partner(s). Perhaps more importantly, be prepared to listen. All of your relationships will be the stronger for it.

The nonprofit 501(c)3 organization Loving More is a great resource for poly individuals and families seeking additional advice and support.

Speaking of support…

...What most poly people agree on, however, is the importance of building a strong network of like-minded people with whom you can share perspectives, information, and advice. In addition to the well-publicized Polyamory Conference (or "Polycon") held in Atlanta each year [too bad she mentions only the one], numerous local groups exist to provide poly people with an opportunity to connect. Try Googling "polyamory" and your city, search meetup.com using "polyamory" as a filter, or visit the website www.polygroups.com.

Hey, for that last sentence she read my Alan's List of Polyamory Events site! (the "Find Your Local Groups" section).

Other resources include Reddit and dating sites like OKCupid.

If this lifestyle feels right for you, it may be worth diving deeper. Who knows? You may just meet the love(s) of your life.

Leslie Turnbull is a Harvard-educated anthropologist with over 20 years' experience as a development officer and consultant. She cares for three children, two dogs, and one husband. When not sticking her nose into other peoples' business, she enjoys surfing, cooking, and writing (often bad) poetry.

Read the whole article (Feb. 14, 2014).

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And elsewhere in big media yesterday, Time magazine online gave polyamory a nod in its heading to this article by Jessica Bennett (Feb. 14, 2014):

Searching For Meaning In 50,000 Essays About Modern Love

What have other people's tales of love, heartache, lust, fetish, divorce, longing, polyamory, spanking, marriage and loss taught New York Times ["Modern Love" column] editor Daniel Jones? Simple. When it comes to the heart, none of us have a clue.

(I would argue that last point, but never mind.)

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*The Week*: "Why Facebook should embrace polyamory"

For years polyfolks have been agitating for Facebook to let users choose "polyamorous" as their relationship status, rather than having to pick from a list of statuses that are not really correct. Recently a Change.org petition got off the ground asking Facebook "to allow poly people to list who they love":

Facebook currently allows people to name one person they're in a relationship with despite the growing numbers of polyamorous and non-monogamous members. Some people identify as loving more than one person or as being "many loving." We appreciate and thank Facebook for their recent change in allowing all people to put their own gender identities. We ask that they have the same respect for people of all relationship types. They deserve the basic right to be honest about who they care about. Please sign this petition to allow those in open relationships to name their partners truthfully as everybody else does.

This long-simmering discontent bubbled out into mainstream attention this morning, with an opinion piece in The Week — a prestigious newsmagazine with a print circulation of 560,000 and 1.3 million web visits per week. Its readers, it tells advertisers, are "affluent, powerful opinion leaders" with a median household income of $160,000. Its claimed mission: "By analyzing and curating thousands of media sources from around the globe, The Week distills a worldly and balanced, concise view of the issues that matter most."

With that buildup, read on:

Why Facebook should embrace polyamory

The social network can go further than its 49 gender identities

By Cathy Reisenwitz

Facebook raised eyebrows earlier this year by unveiling 49 new gender options for users. Hopefully that's just the start of the ubiquitous social network's social boundary-pushing ways.

The next frontier? Unconventional relationship options. Instead of multiple options for relationships with just one other user, Facebook should allow users to be in relationships with multiple users. There's even a Change.org petition demanding as much....

Now let's face it: Facebook is unlikely to make this change anytime soon. But it should.

American social mores are changing. Support for gay marriage is rocketing upwards. Also increasing is our acceptance of trans-identified individuals.

But society's approval of multi-partner relationships is still low.... For the vast majority of Americans, there are two options: monogamy, or cheating.

But many people are living out a third option, such as polyamorous writer Lauren Rumpler: ethical non-monogamy. "People assume that to be faithful, you have to be monogamous," Rumpler explained in a recent interview with me. "To be faithful, you have to be honest....

...Polyamory, a subset of ethical non-monogamy, refers to multiple concurrent sexual relationships, and is generally differentiated from open relationships by long-term, emotionally involved, and/or committed "secondary" relationships. Some poly relationships involve hierarchy, with primary, secondary, (and so on) relationships. And some are non-hierarchical, with no partner being more important than the other. In some poly relationships, "metamours," as partners of partners call each other, have romantic relationships. In others, partners either don't know about each other (Don't Ask; Don't Tell) or remain friendly but not romantically involved.

And woohoo! I'm in it:

The site Polyamory in the News documents the growing coverage this "alternative lifestyle" has received in recent years....

...In the end, the main benefit of ethical non-monogamy is that it helps people who feel unsuited to monogamy enjoy their relationships. It also accepts that no one person is capable of meeting all of your needs. Acceptance of and education around ethical non-monogamy is important because too many people end up in monogamous relationships not because they enjoy monogamy, but because it's the default position, and they never consider other options.

This is where Facebook comes in. Of course, Facebook doesn't exactly grant rights or set policy. But can you imagine how many more people would consider and accept polyamory as a viable and ethical life choice if Facebook gave polyamory its imprimatur?

Cathy Reisenwitz is an editor at Young Voices and a D.C.-based writer and political commentator. She is editor-in-chief of Sex and the State, a columnist at Townhall.com, and a writer for Bitcoin Magazine. Her writing has appeared in Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, and The Daily Beast, and she has appeared on Fox News and Al Jazeera America. She serves on the Board of Advisors for the Center for a Stateless Society.

Read the whole article (July 10, 2014). It's getting picked up and remarked upon by various other sites.

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