Poly holidays without tears: a roundup

"Every year I get a big spike in clients who are having holiday poly drama," writes Kathy Labriola, who's done group-relationship counseling in Berkeley for decades, "and I wanted to put out some general advice that may be useful to the community. The holidays seem to cause a lot of poly debacles, and some may be possible to avert."

Excerpts:

Poly Holiday Tips

...Poly people face some unique challenges. We are trying to manage all of the usual holiday dilemmas, but with the added stress of trying to include more than one partner in our holiday plans, and to make sure no one feels neglected or disrespected. ...And for people who have only one partner, but that partner has other partners, there is the fear of being alone on a major holiday and feeling less important or demoted.

Tip One: Think through what would be ideal for you!

Many poly people say that are so worried about keeping everyone else happy that they don't even think about what they want or what would work best for them during the holiday season. Often they discover after the fact that they have busted their butts to do everything to please others, only to find that they have spent a lot of time, energy, and money doing things no one actually wanted. ...

Kathy Labriola

Tip Two: Make time for conversations with each partner (and family member) about their needs, desires, plans, hopes and fears around the upcoming holidays.

Set up a specific times with each of your partners when you can have a relaxed conversation about their needs and expectations, what is most important to them about the holidays, and how they would like to be included in your plans. It is also wise to communicate with any family members or friends who may expect to see you. ... Be clear with each person that you are not able to commit right now, and that you will have another conversation very soon to make solid plans with them; right now, you are gathering information.

Tip Three: Make a list of everything everyone is asking of you during the holidays, identify any conflicts, and think over carefully what compromises may be possible. …

Tip Four: Clarify expectations about any holiday gift traditions. …

Many poly people want to exchange gifts, many others hate the commercialism, don’t have the time or money, or just hate shopping. This can create a lot of stress, resentment, and disappointment if you make the wrong assumptions….

Tip Five: Whatever amount of holiday events and activities you THINK you can do, decide to do LESS than that!

Most poly people have horror stories about holiday plans that looked fine on paper but turned into a nightmare. …

Tip Six: Don’t make the holidays into a test, because if you do, your partners will fail that test.

Tip Seven: If you are thinking of including more than one partner in a holiday event, proceed with caution and talk through any potential problems.

The idea of spending holidays all together as “one big happy metamour poly family” looks great on paper, but often doesn’t work in real life. …One or more of them may not agree. …

Tip Eight: When poly holiday plans go awry, be willing to apologize for any mistakes or problems, and do aftercare as needed. ...

Her whole article, with lots of examples of these principles (December 2017).


● Cartoonist Tikva Wolf is at her best, IMO, when you can't tell whether she's being her usual bouncy helpful self or slipping a knife of sly snark between the ribs. Or both:

● From Elisabeth Sheff: Poly for the Holidays (Dec. 15, 2016):

For Poly Folks

Save Coming Out for Some Other Time

If you are not yet out to your family about being in a poly relationship, it can most likely wait for a few more weeks or months. Avoid overloading what can be an already stressful season with potentially distracting or inflammatory announcements about sexuality. That is not an absolute rule – if you end up on an after dinner walk with your favorite cousin in can be a great time to have a private chat about the loves in your life. In general, however, avoid dropping relationship bombshells at the holiday family feast.

Give your Relatives the Benefit of the Doubt

If your dad has to ask you yet again who this new person is... stifle the dramatic sigh and muster up your patience to explain kindly that you are dating this person, and yes, your/their spouse knows about it. Polyamory can be a foreign and confusing concept for many people, and especially for older relatives…. Unless they are obviously trying to be rude or hurtful, try to cultivate patience and forgiveness for family members who are slow to grasp.

Have an Escape Plan

When the benefit of the doubt has been stretched to its breaking point and relatives’ thoughtlessness or blatant malice becomes too much, be sure you can get away. [Also,] leaving a little too early is preferable to staying until alcohol-fueled tempers flare….

Moderate Mood Alteration

…Consider maintaining at least a modicum of sobriety. Not only does alcohol fog your mind so that you might not notice your partner’s desperate look of a silent plea for help when Uncle Tony comes around again… it also loosens your tongue so that you might not respond in the most thoughtful manner…. Being too drunk to drive can also seriously hamper the escape plan….

For Families with Poly Loved Ones

Invite the People Important to your Loved Ones

Even if you do not understand why your loved one is in a polyamorous relationship, please consider inviting the people they see as family members to the family event.…

Include all Partners in the Gift Exchange …

Respect Loved Ones’ Choices, even when they Differ from Yours …

Find something to do together that everyone can enjoy. From watching basketball on TV to playing a pickup game at the park or rekindling that old Scrabble rivalry…[it helps] to relax and focus on a shared activity that does not require discussing potentially sensitive topics of who is dating whom and why.

● Kamala Devi, in her current newsletter, offers her personal focus on holiday outedness (December 2017; no link):

5) Timing is essential. I came out slowly and only when I was ready. Some family members to understand and accept my lifestyle, whereas some family members may never be ready. I continue to update, educate and inform my family members, one step at a time.

4) I reassure my family of choice that even if they are not legitimized by my family of origin, that I value and love them deeply! Further, I openly process with lovers feelings of hurt or loss when our families are not ready to accept our lifestyle.

3) It helps to discuss larger social issues such as privilege and diversity. ...

2) I make a special effort to celebrate or spend time with my chosen community to counterbalance any time where I haven't felt free to be myself.

1) Regardless of anyone's reactions, I stay true to who I am.

● Prefer audio? Cunning Minx offers her five favorite Polyamory Weekly podcasts on this everlasting topic:

To make life a little easier, here are the best episodes we’ve done on poly for the holidays:

Episode 411 at 10:15, which includes advice learned from FBI hostage negotiators
Episode 345 at 3:00, in which LustyGuy and Minx share their tips for negotiating family time around the holidays while accommodating as many needs as possible
Episode 297 at 1:30, in which Joreth and Puck share their holiday advice about how to introduce partners and deal with being closeted
Episode 184 at 11:20, in which Minx gives gift and self-care advice
Episode 86 at 4:50, in which Minx advises NOT to come out during the holidays

● PopSugar has apparently decided this topic draws clicks: How to Navigate Being in an Open Marriage During the Holidays (Dec. 18, 2017):

By Tara Block

…Sara and Ben (names have been changed) are a happily married millennial couple in an open relationship. Sara shares a bit about how they navigate the holiday season together and with their partners.

"Ben and I scheduled times for our usual holiday traditions (visiting particular lights in town, decorating the tree, etc.) well in advance. Having these activities mapped out allows for both of us to plan fun, new traditions with our other partners without accidentally replacing ours. For both Ben and me, it is important to talk to our partners about what things feel special to them over the holidays. With my boyfriend, it has been really romantic and exciting to get our own tree at his place, watch holiday movies, and make plans to bake treats together. None of these things are better or worse than the ways I celebrate the holidays with my husband — they are just in addition to. I'm a firm believer that two stockings are better than one.

"…It is important to both Ben and me that we respect each other's time and the time of our partners, and this means communicating about schedules often. We are both lucky to be dating people who are great communicators, so scheduling has not been much of an issue.

"…The [birth-family] members I am close to know about my open marriage and are very supportive. I have not told the people I am not close to, which includes my parents. …

"I have never met a boyfriend's family before, so I was pretty nervous to do so this year! I was very relieved that my boyfriend has two awesome, badass liberal feminist sisters who were extremely welcoming. I hope to meet his parents soon, which should be interesting, as they are pretty traditional. ...

"Perhaps I am just a nerdy optimist who always sees the bright side of things, but I feel strongly that celebrating the holidays as a poly woman is really happy and fulfilling. I got to pick out and decorate two Christmas trees and listen to way too much Vitamin String Quartet Christmas. Ben's girlfriend has been in some tough relationships in the past and mentioned that this has been her happiest holiday season in a long time. My boyfriend also said that this is one of the best times in his life. While coordinating schedules can be a bit complicated, planning things out in advance and asking the simple question of 'What's important to you?' has been extremely helpful. I have two loving partners and double the holiday traditions, so I really can't complain. ... I wouldn't trade our nontraditional life for anything."

● On the feminist site Bustle.com, 13 Polyamorous People On How They Celebrate Thanksgiving (Nov. 27, 2017), with many polyfolks' brief descriptions of their traditions — or ways of winging it.

By Kae Burdo

...Decisions around holidays can be quite loaded, as it can indicate couple's privilege or hierarchy. It can also be a fraught conversation for people who aren't welcome home for the holidays because of their relationship status or family structure.

Followup: And now she does a similar collection, How Polyamorous People Celebrate Christmas & Other Winter Holidays (Dec. 22).


● Want more? Heaps more?? Here are all my poly-holidays roundups over the years (including this one; scroll down).

● And it wouldn't be the season without another reprise of....



Anne Hunter (right) and partners, of PolyVic in Australia, issued this Christmas classic in 2007. The last verse:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true loves gave to me
Twelve minutes alone (sigh)—
Eleven Christmas dinners
Ten jealousy cures
Nine long discussions
Eight dozen condoms
Seven GoogleCalendars
Six-handed mas-sage
Five, Ethical, Sluts!

Four sandwich hugs
Three-way snogs
Too much attention
And a quick course in polyamor-ee.

[Permalink]

Poly during the holidays — tales, warnings, recommendations

Every year the holiday season brings stories and advice for polyfolks navigating birth-family gatherings, juggling different partners' wishes, or just being alternatively festive. Here are a bunch, new and old, that you may find interesting and useful.

● Let's start with Cunning Minx's recent Polyamory Weekly episode #585, Poly for the Holidays (up December 3, 2019).

This week, we have advice from SIX different therapists, relationship coaches, and body workers on navigating holiday family events as a poly person!

The six are Ruby Bouie Johnson, Libby Sinback, Karen McDowell, Spyce, Anne More, and Nolan Lawless. Minx's podcast always beats morning-guy radio on your drive to work.

More? Minx offers her five previous favorite podcasts about this everlasting topic, going back to 2006:

Episode 411 at 10:15, which includes advice learned from FBI hostage negotiators

Episode 345 at 3:00, in which LustyGuy and Minx share their tips for negotiating family time around the holidays while accommodating as many needs as possible

Episode 297 at 1:30, in which Joreth and Puck share their holiday advice about how to introduce partners and deal with being closeted

Episode 184 at 11:20, in which Minx gives gift and self-care advice

Episode 86 at 4:50, in which Minx advises NOT to come out during the holidays

● Relationship coach Marcia Baczynski (of the dictum "If you're afraid to say it, that means you need to say it") writes in her newsletter (Nov. 25):

My holiday happiness is directly related to how clear I am about what I do and don’t want to do, how well I set my boundaries, and how much I orient the holidays around things that bring me joy.

Rushing around madly trying to find cheap plastic stuff just to give to someone out of obligation? No.

Traveling across the country while crushed among stressed, sweaty, cranky people at twice the usual ticket price? No.

Potluck Friendsgivings, winter walks in the woods and homemade gifts? Yes please!

...What matters is noticing, valuing and listening to the things that make you happy around the holidays, and making plans (and compromises) accordingly.

There are 2 questions I ask when faced with holiday invitations, offers, requests and requirements.

...Question 1: Am I feeling positively motivated or negatively motivated to do this?

...Question 2: Does this give me more energy or less energy?​

● "Every year I get a big spike in clients who are having holiday poly drama," says Kathy Labriola, who's been a group-relationship counselor in Berkeley for decades, "and I wanted to put out some general advice that may be useful to the community. The holidays seem to cause a lot of poly debacles, and some may be possible to avert."

These come from patterns in the real-life experiences of her clients. Excerpts:

Poly Holiday Tips

...We are trying to manage all of the usual holiday dilemmas, but with the added stress of trying to include more than one partner in our holiday plans, and to make sure no one feels neglected or disrespected. ...And ... there is the fear of being alone on a major holiday and feeling less important or demoted.

Kathy Labriola

Tip One: Think through what would be ideal for you!

Many poly people say that are so worried about keeping everyone else happy that they don't even think about what they want or what would work best for them during the holiday season. Often they discover after the fact that they have busted their butts to do everything to please others, only to find that they have spent a lot of time, energy, and money doing things no one actually wanted. ...

Tip Two: Make time for conversations with each partner (and family member) about their needs, desires, plans, hopes and fears around the upcoming holidays.

Set up a time with each of your partners when you can have a relaxed conversation about their needs and expectations, what is most important to them about the holidays, and how they would like to be included in your plans. It is also wise to communicate with any family members or friends who may expect to see you. ... Be clear with each person that you are not able to commit right now, and that you will have another conversation very soon to make solid plans with them; right now, you are gathering information.

Tip Three: Make a list of everything everyone is asking of you during the holidays, identify any conflicts, and think over carefully what compromises may be possible. …

Tip Four: Clarify expectations about any holiday gift traditions. …

Many poly people want to exchange gifts; many others hate the commercialism, don’t have the time or money, or just hate shopping. This can create a lot of stress, resentment, and disappointment if you make the wrong assumptions. …

Tip Five: Whatever amount of holiday events and activities you THINK you can do, decide to do LESS than that!

Most poly people have horror stories about holiday plans that looked fine on paper but turned into a nightmare. …

Tip Six: Don’t make the holidays into a test. Because if you do, your partners will fail that test. ...

Tip Seven: If you are thinking of including more than one partner in a holiday event, proceed with caution and talk through any potential problems.

The idea of spending holidays all together as “one big happy metamour poly family” looks great on paper, but often doesn’t work in real life. … One or more of them may not agree. …

Tip Eight: When poly holiday plans go awry, be willing to apologize for any mistakes or problems, and do aftercare as needed. ...

Read her whole article, with lots of examples of these principles (December 2017).


● On "The Conversation," a big Creative Commons site for academics writing popular articles, Carrie Jenkins (philosophy professor and author of What Love Is and What It Could Be) offers this: When you have two lovers, the holidays can be tricky (Dec. 18, 2018). She is speaking mostly to the people sitting around your Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa table to whom you may not have come out.

Research suggests that family approval has a significant impact on relationship stability.

Imagine you’re going home for the holidays, and this year you’re introducing a new partner to your family. Slightly awkward? Ok. Now imagine your old partner is there as well. Oh, and they’re still your partner too.

We’re now well beyond awkward.

...Going home for the holidays is also about returning to one’s people — one’s “family.” ...Familial expectation can be a powder keg at the best of times, but tends to be especially compressed during the holidays, when family members are all in one space, under pressure to have fun and perhaps fuelled by alcohol.

...Secrecy may be unhealthy for a relationship, but so is disapproval. ... Secrecy may be especially motivated where a “secondary partner” is concerned — that is, a partner who is less central or integral in one’s daily life than a “primary” partner.

...Personally, I don’t like the “primary”/“secondary” terminology — nobody is a secondary person, and calling someone a secondary partner can sound a bit like that’s what you’re saying.

When you think about it, though, we do the same thing with family. The nuclear family has four principal roles — father, mother, son, daughter — while other family roles, such as grandmother or uncle, tend to be marked as secondary by means of phrases like “extended family.”

...In the same vein, people also talk of “chosen family” to signal a difference from the unmarked kind of (unchosen) family.

...However we’re described, poly people are all over the place. Maybe there are some in your family. Maybe even in your home for the holidays.

If you think that’s impossible, ask yourself: Could they tell you, without risk of explosion? And do they know that?

Her full article was run by Canada's big GlobalNews network just in time for Christmas last year (Dec. 23, 2018). Now it's just been reprinted by MenaFn, "world and Middle East economic and financial news" (Dec. 17, 2019).


● Sometimes it can go beautifully. Currently on reddit/r/polyamory,

I opened up to my parents earlier this year about being poly, mostly because it felt awful to exclude important people in my life during conversations with family. They are trying so hard to be understanding and supportive.

This past week my mum gave me an advent calendar. She went out of her way to find one where each day has multiple treats in it. When she gave it to me she said that she wanted to make sure that I had enough to share with my partners -- cue my heart exploding into a million tiny thankful pieces.

● On Andre Shakti's blog "I am Poly (and So Can You)", Guest Columnist Ariel Vegosen tackles being home for the holidays when you're polyamorous! It's advice to a reader who wrote in. (Nov. 21, 2018)

I have created a two-part guide to help in this process – this first part is how to prepare your partners and the second part is how to prepare your family.

Preparing Your Partners

     – Sit down with your partners and check in about what their needs are for the holiday and share your needs as well. Find out what they desire, expect, and would like out of their holiday experience and share yours as well. For example....

     – Let your partners know how you relate to your family and the style of communication your family uses. For example....

     – Decide with your partners how much you want to share with your family about your relationship....

     – Tell your partners what you will need if you are triggered by your family. Tell your partners how they can support you if your family is getting on your nerves or pushing your boundaries.

     – Tell your partners about your family’s eating habits. Should your partners be bringing a certain dish or wine or are there family members who are in AA....

     – Tell your partners about your family’s religion if they have one. Will there be “grace” before the meal?...

     – Build in self-care for you and your partners. Create time in the holiday that is fun and nourishing and about you having a great time.

Preparing Your Family

     – Remind your family that you are non-hierarchical poly and what that means to you. Since they have never seen you with both your partners they might not actually understand what poly means and what it means specifically to you.

     – Ask your family what they expect, desire, and need from you this holiday season and share what you expect, desire, and need from them. For example: you can say that you need them not to make offensive comments.... They might need you to show up on time or listen to stories you have already heard multiple times....

     – Tell your family if your partners have food restrictions or a different spirituality/religion.... Ask the family to respect those needs and differences.

     – Remind your family that by bringing home your partners you are giving them an opportunity to be closer to you and to connect to the people in your life who are important.

● "If you think you're enlightened," psychedelic guru Ram Dass told the hippies long ago, "go visit your family." KamalaDevi McClure quoted that when putting up this vid with her thoughts about dealing with your monogamist biofam over the hols. You may remember her as a central figure in Showtime's 2012-2013 reality series Polyamory: Married & Dating.




● Eli Sheff reminds you, Save Coming Out for Some Other Time.


● And lastly, it just wouldn't be the season without another reprise of....



Anne Hunter (right) and partners, of PolyVic in Australia, produced this Christmas classic in 2007. The last verse:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true loves gave to me
Twelve minutes alone (sigh)—
Eleven Christmas dinners
Ten jealousy cures
Nine long discussions
Eight dozen condoms
Seven Google Calendars
Six-handed mas-sage
Five, Ethical, Sluts!

Foouur sandwich hugs
Three-way snogs
Too much attention
And a quick course in polyamor-ee.

[Permalink]

Jolly Poly Holidays. . . or not

Non-traditional people often face challenges around traditional family stuff, no more so than in the holiday season.

A classic blunder: using the big turkey-carve as the moment to come out to your whole birth family including Nervous Hilda and Problem Uncle Fred.

Then there's the classic polyfamily crisis: a couple leaves a secondary partner behind to finally grasp, all alone in a cold apartment on Christmas Day, that he or she really is secondary. Although for that, Kimchi Cuddles has a solution. I'm not sure whether she's snarking here:

● As is often the case, MoreThanTwo.com is a go-to place for clarity. Eve Rickert put up a guest post from Noël Figart, the Polyamorous Misanthrope: Polyamorous holidays: When you’re the secondary.

A friend of mine sent me a question last week about surviving the holidays as a polyamorous secondary partner, and Franklin and I chewed on it for awhile before finally throwing in the towel. ... So we turned to someone else we trusted. I’ve followed Noël’s blog almost since the inception of my own non-monogamy journey, and she gives great poly advice that is grounded in respect, love and being a grown-up.

I’m looking for advice on surviving the holidays as a Secondary. My only current partner is married, and also lives very close to his biological family, whom he is also very close to emotionally. He’s told at least his mother... but she has essentially bent over backwards to ignore our relationship... and holidays really seem to heighten that glitch in the matrix.

...We’re doing some personal celebration things on days around the holidays, but they’re very solitary activities. It’s very much getting to me.... I’d like to know how other people have dealt with similar feelings of being the Invisible Partner during a very rough part of the year to be alone.

Ow.

That hurts and it’s tough. And guess what? There is some social erasure going on in this.

Is it avoidable?

"To not be publicly acknowledged as a partner or to
be erased from public celebrations can be painful."

Photo © Michal Moravcik/Depositphotos.com

...Let’s break this down in terms of relationship skill sets. I’m sure you’ve run across the idea before that it’s important to ask for what you want. It is crucial, so get it out there. Don’t worry about whether what you want is too much to ask: once you know what you want, ask for it. This can be scary, but I think all good relationships require a bit of courage....

So try it out. “Honey, I feel really alone during the holidays. Since we are partners, I feel like we’re family, too, and I want to be able to be included in some big holiday gatherings. Is there any way this can happen at all?”

Notice that this is open-ended. You’re asking for what you want, but you’re not telling anyone how to give it to you. That’s good, because chances are better that you’ll get some suggested solutions that you might not even have thought of.

Yes, I’m presuming good will here. After all, you’re partners and you love each other, right?

You mentioned that you’re doing a small, private celebration with your partner. Maybe it shouldn’t be (just) a small, private celebration. Maybe at some point a big holiday party that you and your partner and metamour host might be a good idea.... I used to throw a big tree decorating party the first of December ever year.

...I used to be a member of a group marriage. While we got enough wrong that it did eventually dissolve, one of the things we got right was that we hosted holidays at our house. That kept us from having to choose among families of origin. People who wanted to visit on a holiday were welcomed.... It was a good solution for us, as it did keep us on more equal ground with each other....

● From Dedeker Winston of the Multiamory Podcast, writing on Bustle a few days ago: Common Judgments Non-Monogamous People Hear — And How To Respond (Dec. 12, 2016):

...As the holidays are fast approaching, you may be gearing up to come out to your family about your non-monogamy. Or, the word may have already gotten out, and now you’re bracing yourself for the inevitable questions and un-asked-for opinions....

Here’s a play-by-play to handling the most common questions and criticisms of ethical non-monogamy with smarts and grace.

“Is this a sex thing?”

Variations include: “I don’t want to know about what goes on in your bedroom.” “Aren’t you scared of STDs?”...

...How to respond: “My relationships are based on intimacy and emotional connection, not just hooking up. I am aware that all forms of sex are risky, but I am taking precautions to make sure that both my partners and myself stay safe and healthy.”

“So ... you’re single.”

Variations include: “Are you playing the field for now?” “Good for you for not letting yourself get tied down.” “When you find the right person, you’ll be ready to commit.”

...The best method is time. ... However, when the people asking are sitting looking at you expectantly, it may not be feasible to ask them to get back to you in a year or so.

How to respond: “I’m actually quite committed to my relationships, but my definition of ‘commitment’ may be a little different from yours. I am seriously committed to being the best partner I can be, and I’m committed to making sure that my partners and myself are happy, regardless of whether or not there is sexual exclusivity.”

“Like what Mormons do?”

Variations include: “Do you have sister-wives?” “Did you join a cult?” “Is this like Big Love?”

...How to respond: “Unlike the historical instances of Mormon polygamy, my relationships are equal opportunity — everyone involved is free to have multiple partners, regardless of their gender. My choice of relationship isn’t related to any spiritual or religious practice.”

“Isn't that cheating?”

Variations include: “Does your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband know?” “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

...If it’s appropriate, it helps to have one of your partners there with you. Your partner can help answer questions, provide a slightly different perspective, and demonstrate without a doubt that you aren’t doing this behind their back.

How to respond: “Cheating usually involves doing something behind your partner’s back and then lying about it to cover it up. Every person involved with me has full knowledge and has given their full consent. I build my relationships on a foundation of open, honest communication and trust.”

“That isn’t real love.”

Variations include: “I’m sad that your relationship is falling apart." “Your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband must not really love you.” “You can’t be happy this way.”

This one is the heavy hitter. Does anyone know what “real” love is?...

How to respond: “My relationships may seem strange, but they are just one example of hundreds of different valid ways to create relationships. I chose this because it brings me happiness, love, and allows me to share that with others in my life.”

“You’re being taken advantage of.”

Variations include: “I just don’t want you getting hurt.” “This was your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/wife’s/husband’s idea, wasn’t it?” “You should break up with him/her.”

...How to respond: “I appreciate your concerns for me. This is a decision that I made for myself, after a lot of research, soul-searching, and discussion with my partner. It isn’t always easy, but I wouldn’t have chosen to do this if I didn’t think it would make me happy.”

...Your family may still think of your partners as shady characters. However, I’ve seen this attitude go full 180 after family members meet one or more of your partners....

● And now you've got a good booklet to hand them to back up your words: When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships. Even if they don't dare open it, you've established that at least you're not a lone nut. It's also available as an ebook.


● On the Multiamory podcast itself, which Dedeker runs with Jase and Emily, they put this up just yesterday: Happy Polydays 2 (Dec. 20, 2016). It follows last year's Happy Polydays (Dec. 9, 2015).


● A wrapup from Eli Sheff (author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, and that little When Someone You Love is Polyamorous): Poly for the Holidays: Tips on managing the holidays for poly folks and their non-poly families (Dec. 15, 2016).

...Keeping the ideas below in mind can help to make holidays more comfortable for everyone.

For Poly Folks

Save Coming Out for Some Other Time

If you are not yet out to your family about being in a poly relationship, it can most likely wait for a few more weeks or months. Earlier in this blog I wrote a series on coming out polyamorous and advised readers to avoid overloading what can be an already stressful season with potentially distracting or inflammatory announcements about sexuality. That is not an absolute rule – if you end up on an after dinner walk with your favorite cousin in can be a great time to have a private chat about the loves in your life. In general, however, avoid dropping relationship bombshells at the holiday family feast.

Give your Relatives the Benefit of the Doubt

If your dad has to ask you yet again who this new person is – even though you have been dating them for the past three years and your dad just met for the fourth time at your birthday party a couple of months ago -- try to stifle the dramatic sigh and muster up your patience to explain kindly that you are dating this person, and yes, your/their spouse knows about it. Polyamory can be a foreign and confusing concept for many people....

Have an Escape Plan

[If] relatives’ thoughtlessness or blatant malice becomes too much, be sure you can get away. Weather it is taking a walk, making a grocery run for those last few items, or returning to the sanctuary of a hotel room, be sure that you have some way to take a break from the festivities before things go badly wrong. Leaving a little too early is preferable to staying until alcohol-fueled tempers flare and people say things they will regret.

Moderate Mood Alteration

...Not only does alcohol fog your mind so that you might not notice your partner’s desperate look of a silent plea for help when Uncle Tony comes around again, it loosens your tongue....

For Families with Poly Loved Ones

Invite the People Important to Them

Even if you do not understand why your loved one is in a polyamorous relationship, please consider inviting the people they see as family members to the family event. It can be tremendously painful and difficult for poly family members to be forced to choose between spending the holidays with their chosen family members and their families of origin. Inviting everyone who is family – legal, biological, or chosen – to the party can mean more love for the whole clan.

Include all Partners in the Gift Exchange

Respect Loved Ones’ Choices, even when they Differ from Yours

Polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are not for everyone. ...You can decide to accept the fact that your loved one(s) have different relationship styles and needs from you and allow them their differences....

Have Fun

Find something to do that everyone can enjoy....

● In past years I've collected heaps more poly holidays stuff. Start here.

● On her Polyamory Weekly podcast, Cunning Minx has done many episodes on this perennial topic. For her choice of the five best she provides a handy one-page link: Poly for the holidays primer, with brief summaries for each. The most recent "includes advice learned from FBI hostage negotiators."

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Juggling the poly-holiday problems: Lotsa how-we-did-its. And, an appeal.

One of the adorkable Polyamorous Platypus cards and items

It's the season. Settle in for some reads on how other polyfolks handle those peculiar holiday problems and tensions (and joys) that maybe you and your group know all too well.

Some of these pieces are new this year, others are golden oldies. Excerpts and descriptions:

●  For a nice light start, 8 Things That Will Probably Happen During the Holidays If You’re Polyamorous. Zachary Zane just published this as his monthly "Navigating Non-Monogamy" column for Cosmopolitan (Dec. 19)

...Remember: We'd agreed to this. Their feelings were valid — and I know the holidays can bring up some complex emotions — but also: Are you kidding me? ... 

This all goes to show that navigating the season (aka, the polydays) as a non-monogamous person with multiple partners can be challenging. ...

Margie Rischiotto

To prepare you for what may lie ahead, here are eight things polyamorous folks can probably expect this holiday season.

1. Aunt Cheryl, a four-time divorcée, will insist that polyamory never works long-term.

     Or, that you don’t need to “label” yourself if you’re just sleeping around with everyone. (FYI, when I came out as poly, my mom literally said, “You can just be a slut. You don’t need to make it this big ordeal!”) 

     You honestly have to laugh at Cheryl’s lack of self-awareness and shameless hypocrisy. That’s the only way to deal with her, because if you actually engaged, you’d end up pulling your hair out.

2. You’ll have a minor panic attack when deciding whether or not to get your metamour a gift. ...

3. Your parents will accidentally call your partner by your other partner’s name.

      This is something my parents have done. They justified it because according to them, I had “too many partners to keep track of.” (I had a total of two partners… one man and one woman.) ...

4. You may feel jealous or a little down in the dumps. ...

5. You’ll be hit with some unexpected compersion. ...

6. You will get multiple (probably great) gifts from your partners.

      (It also means you have to gift more presents to your various partners, but let’s not focus on that.) Poly people are just better at giving presents. From mine, I’ve received designer latex kink gear, engraved rings, and an air fryer that has changed my life. I don’t know why [poly people] are such good gift-givers, but they are. ...

7. You will accidentally call your partner’s dad by your *other* partner’s dad’s name. ...

8. You will feel so much love that your little heart may burst.

      Polyamory can take a lot of planning, emotional labor, and tough conversations—especially during the polydays—but there’s a reason why we remain polyamorous even though it can be a lot harder than monogamy....

● Bringing Both My Partners Home At Christmas Is…Complicated (Refinery29, Dec. 23, 2022)

By Abigail Moss

...We’ve been together as a throuple for three years so this isn’t our first Christmas, but every year we seem to run into new challenges. Last year, we weren’t 'out' to our families and ended up in the weird situation of having to keep our relationship secret over the festive period.

This year, our families know about us and are wonderfully supportive, so we get to enjoy sending presents as a three for the first time. But one of my partners isn’t out at work and because of the industry he works in, possibly never will be. This makes for a tricky situation when it comes to Christmas parties. His colleagues know he isn’t single but they don’t know he has two partners. ...

We’re lucky to be able to navigate these issues from the solid footing of a committed relationship. For polyamorous people in newer or more casual dynamics, or who are actively dating as an individual (this is sometimes called solo polyamory), things get even more complicated. ...

...Harry*, a 29-year-old polyamorous man, agrees that the holidays create a lot of dating challenges and can often exacerbate feelings of jealousy. "I had a quite new partner – I think we’d been on three or four dates at this point – get upset because I couldn’t come to their work Christmas quiz with them because it clashed with an event I was attending with my partner of two years." Communication is key in these situations, as is self-analysis. ...

...The holidays are usually thought of as a time for family – and not just any family but a traditional, monogamy-focused family. There are no Christmas movies [yet  –Ed.] featuring a polycule putting up their Christmas tree or a throuple opening presents on Christmas morning. Polyamorous people don’t have many decent cultural references to guide them at the best of times; during the holidays, this is even more true. ...

...Leanne [Yao] says to remember that Christmas can be whatever you make it. You don’t have to be tied down to the expected way of doing things. "Christmas is just an arbitrary holiday. You can celebrate on other days too."

Harry agrees. "I hosted a big Christmas meal for my queer polycule but we did it in November because after that diaries were getting complex," he says. "One of the great things about polyamory, actually, is having that community. Just having more people around you and being together and doing whatever you want. In polyamory, you get to make your own rules. And you can do that at this time of the year, too. If you look at it like that, it can be really freeing."

●  But sometimes you may be wonderfully surprised: The More the Merrier: A Christmas Tale (Queer Majority, Dec. 21, 2022; also reprinted by Areo)

Christmas is my favorite holiday by far. It’s about life, love, family, generosity, and — yes (I don’t care if it sounds cheesy) peace on earth and goodwill toward men. I’m an agnostic atheist... but I regard myself as culturally Christian. And to me, Christmas is sacred.

I love Christmas carols, glowing manger scenes, roaring fireplaces, and big, beautiful Christmas trees. I even share the frustration of Christians who worry that the holiday is becoming too secular or consumerist. My wife and I collect ornaments from each destination we travel to, usually from local artisans, which serve as a reminder of our time there.

...Recently, however, we organized a big family Christmas at a Northern California beach house. Despite my love of the holiday and my family, I was nervous. You see, my siblings are all more socially conservative than I am. Much more socially conservative.

I’m a bisexual, polyamorous guy married to a woman and with a long-term boyfriend... Even my comparatively more moderate older half-sister and half-brother didn’t understand why I would be upset about them voting for political candidates who actively oppose my human rights. So you can imagine my worries about a big family reunion. ...

Fortunately, I came to find out that every single one of my family members — including my three conservative siblings — have grown more open-minded over the years. To my astonishment, my fundamentalist brother now supports same-sex marriage and a woman’s right to choose! ... The relief that washed over me upon hearing these things, coupled with a warm sense of pride toward my siblings for being so open to moral growth, made me love my family all the more. There was a time when I held my siblings at a distance. I now regret that.

...These days, Christmas almost always includes one or both of our polyamorous partners. Picture it: me, my wife, my boyfriend, and her boyfriend sitting around in our pajamas, drinking hot cocoa and candy cane martinis with everyone’s parents and some people’s siblings; exchanging meaningful gifts, enjoying one another’s home cooking, and laughing about the sorts of inside jokes that only the closest of friends and family can share. There’s something ineffably healing about that, like the magic of Christmas confers a solemn blessing upon our bi, poly family. Surrounded by music, mirth, twinkling lights, and flickering candles; it feels like a sacrament. 

The love my wife and I have for Christmas has rubbed off on our partners. Her boyfriend was an only child, so it warmed my heart last week when he said (while we were decorating the tree) that “I’ve never had a family like this before.” Well, he does now. My boyfriend was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and didn’t grow up with the Christmas traditions we enjoy. At first, he didn’t get it. ... Today, he loves Christmas just as much as the rest of us. Of course he does, because ultimately Christmas is about acceptance — and queer people know the value of that.

...Some day, I hope the rights of polyamorous families like ours will receive the same recognition. If my family’s personal experience and recent opinion polls are any indicators, the future feels bright. ... My New Year’s resolution is to do everything I can to lead by example and show that poly families are just as committed, loving, nurturing, and responsible as any other.

Aero

●  These people know what they're doing: My husband, partner, and I are polyamorous and live with our 2 kids. Holiday scheduling with all our families can be hectic, but we make it work. (Business Insider, Dec. 5).

Ty, Jennifer, Daniel

By Jennifer Martin

I'm polyamorous, and I live with my two partners, Daniel and Ty, and our two kids, D and H. When it comes to the holidays, we try to take a fair and equitable position and see as many relatives as possible. It takes some finesse and a lot of scheduling, but we do it.

With two partners, you have two sets of in-laws, which means instead of juggling two places to go for holidays, we have to consider three places — or more, depending on how those relatives are dispersed. ... I luckily enjoy planning. We try to ensure that our holidays go as smoothly as possible, especially for our children. But we have limited space, limited time, and limited income. So how do we do it?

Our holiday schedule.... 

Read on.

 

●  Navigating Holiday Events with Multiple Partners is a practical step-by-step from Dee Morgan of the PolyamProud group (Oct. 17):

...For all the many holiday movies, there’s not a lot that deals with this particular scenario: talking to whomever’s hosting that big meal about how to bring not just partner A, but also partners B and C (and possibly partner A’s other partner as well…). Or how to gracefully decline seeing family, because they were rude and unwelcoming last time. Or how to arrange your own celebration with all the people you love, and that they love. Or how to navigate a celebration day alone, as your partner has prior obligations with their other partner…

For many polyamorous people, or those in open relationships/ consensually non-monogamous, the lack of models and stories that aren’t couple- or monogamy-oriented has meant working all this out for the first time.... What’s suggested here may provide a starting point for things to consider and to discuss.

1: What do you want? Given an ideal world, what would you like to do on the holiday days? Are there people you’d like to have a meal with – or spend time with at an event? Would you prefer to hang out at home and play boardgames and read books, or to go to the beach and surf? Is it important to you to see your partners on particular days, or simply at some point? Consider this, and then…

2: Talk to your partners. Do any of them have plans already? ....This is where shared calendars can come in handy, as people try to mesh their desires with the practicalities of time limitations.

3: Are there any potential conflict areas? This could be wanting (and able) to take multiple partners to a family event, but the family not being aware of the importance of each person to you. Consider if this is a situation where it’s worth being upfront and bearing the possible judgement, or if you can stand a day where yourself or a partner is considered ‘just a flatmate’ or ‘just a friend’. There’s no right or wrong answer here; it’s about what’s the least stressful for those involved. ...

Even if everyone in the family knows that you’re polyam, and who your partners are, there can still be awkwardness. Are you comfortable holding two partners’ hands on the sofa? Is your great-grandmother comfortable with it? ... (This is an ongoing issue for queer people as well, with actions that are ‘fine’ for a heteronormative couple taking on more ‘sexualised’ overtones, even when functionally identical.)

Another potential conflict area is a partner or metamour feeling unacknowledged during discussions, or that their plans aren’t considered as important as your own. ... If you’re in a hierarchical relationship, make sure your secondary’s plans aren’t subsumed into your own – they have rights and needs as well.

4: Consider your budget. ... Different people and households have different discretionary spending, and this can be brought into sharp relief when exchanging gifts. 

5: Alone for the holidays? ...Perhaps a phone call or video chat can be arranged. If you’re seeing family or friends, you can make note of funny or memorable experiences that you can share with your partners later (as they can share theirs with you). If you’re staying home, be gentle with yourself, and remember you’re loved and cared for – these are people who appreciate having you in their life. ...

Morgan includes quite a bibliography of further articles. Go browse 'em:

●  Family Holidays for Non-Anchor Partners, by Phoebe Philips

Give your Relatives the Benefit of the Doubt. If your dad has to ask you yet again who this new person is – even though you have been dating them for the past three years and your dad just met for the fourth time at your birthday party a couple of months ago -- try to stifle the dramatic sigh and explain kindly that you are dating this person, and yes, your/their spouse knows about it. Polyamory can be a foreign and confusing concept for many people....

Unless they are obviously trying to be rude or hurtful, try to cultivate patience and forgiveness for family members who are slow to grasp the true nature of your relationships.

Have an Escape Plan. When the benefit of the doubt has been stretched to its breaking point... be sure you can get away. Whether it is taking a walk, making a grocery store run, or returning to the sanctuary of a hotel room....

●  Poly Survival Guide for the Holidays, by Kathy Labriola

...Tip Five: Whatever amount of holiday events and activities you THINK you can do, decide to do LESS than that! ...

Tip Six: Don’t make the holidays into a test, because if you do, your partners will fail that test. ...

●  All I Want for Christmas… Is You, You, You, and You, by Marianna Zelichenko

Step 1 or I should say Step 0, in making holidays work in a polyamorous constellation, is to get all expectations out in the open....

●  Polyamory at the Holidays, by Laura Boyle

...How comfortable is your polycule spending time together? If you’re a very kitchen-table oriented polycule, some holiday questions will be simpler. If everyone is comfortable being in the same spaces, and there are multiple options of spaces, it opens planning way up....

●  In Polyamorous holidays: When you’re the secondary, Noël Figart takes a reader's letter:

...He’s told at least his mother that he’s dating someone, but she has essentially bent over backwards to ignore our relationship. Although we don’t subscribe to an emotional hierarchy, there’s still the functional/social hierarchy of him living with her, being accepted by his family, etc., and holidays really seem to heighten that glitch in the matrix.

My own biological family lives too far away for me to spend time with. ...

●  Ideas for Polyamory Holidays, by Jess Mahler

...Host the Party Yourself. First heard this idea from a friend on a polyamory forum and couldn’t believe it never occurred to me. ...

Rotate Holidays...

Each Visit Your Own Family...

Create Your Own Thing...

●  A month late, but Here's What Thanksgiving Is Really Like When You're Polyamorous. Kae Burdo collects people's stories. For instance,

...We are also a divorced family, with the child's birthday falling on or around Thanksgiving every year. Every year, our polycule decides on 'what to do' by throwing out ideas and seeing what we all like. Sometimes the fall and winter have already been so stressful that the idea of hosting ourselves is daunting.

When we do host, we give priority to guests who have no other place to go, and extra priority to Trans/NB, to POC and to the city's youth. reating an environment of warmth and support for our partners and the folks they know is important. It's equally as important to create an environment where people feel safe to speak on any topic, and in giving priority as we have, we have avoided a lot of drama. We find this collaborative process to be gentle and soothing. We can't control much of the holidays, but how we communicate and flow together is the gift we give each other...

●  Poly for the Holidays, by Elisabeth Sheff

Give your Relatives the Benefit of the Doubt

If your dad has to ask you yet again who this new person is – even though you have been dating them for the past three years and your dad just met for the fourth time at your birthday party a couple of months ago -- try to stifle the dramatic sigh and explain kindly that you are dating this person, and yes, your/their spouse knows about it. Polyamory can be a foreign and confusing concept for many people....

Unless they are obviously trying to be rude or hurtful, try to cultivate patience and forgiveness for family members who are slow to grasp the true nature of your relationships.

Have an Escape Plan

 

When the benefit of the doubt has been stretched to its breaking point... be sure you can get away. Whether it is taking a walk, making a grocery store run, or returning to the sanctuary of a hotel room....

●  This from Polyfulcrum needs saying again:

...I am strongly in favor of not coming out at major family events!!! There is a certain sick draw toward dropping the poly nuclear bomb at such occasions. Resist the temptation! ...Tell people in smaller groups. Answer the questions, deal with the shock and awe, and be prepared to have people tell you that they always knew there was something different about you/ going on. Then, by the time the next family gathering comes along it's part of the family fabric; weird fabric, but hey, there's always got to be an eccentric, right?

...We finished [Thanksgiving] weekend by hosting a meal here that was open to our friends in the poly community, as they often stand in as our family of choice (particularly for me, as I don't have relations close by). It was much more satisfying than the mandatory family event, because it was a conscious choice.

●  And another heart-warmer: I wasn’t allowed to celebrate holidays growing up. Now, I revel in hosting my queer, polyamorous family. This appeared in The Lily ("stories central to the everyday lives of millennial women"), the Washington Post's reimagining of the 19th-century feminist paper of the same name. (Nov. 23, 2021)

By Patricia Fancher

I’m preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving as I have for the past several years, with my extended queer, polyamorous family. My husband will make Norwegian cardamom buns, and his girlfriend wants to try a new Brussels sprouts recipe. My husband’s girlfriend’s boyfriend is committed to roasting a duck and making eggnog that no one else will drink. Her husband isn’t going to cook. We’ll make him wash the dishes.

The Lily

...Polyamory is a nontraditional relationship structure where people have multiple relationships that can be sexual, romantic, casual, platonic or some mixture of all of these things. Each person practices polyam differently. My polyamory takes the word rather literally. I have many loves. While my entire polyam family celebrates our togetherness in nontraditional ways, for me, holidays are especially unconventional because I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness growing up in the 1990s in South Carolina.

...When I was 20, I was excommunicated and completely cut off from my family. The command to “quit touching the unclean thing” extends to people, even family. When I had sex, I became the unclean thing that my community, even my mother, refused to touch. The part of me that was broken when my family of origin rejected me gets a little closer to being whole each time I celebrate holidays with my chosen family.

This year, my crush of more than a year is bringing the cranberry sauce. They are now my dear friend, writing partner and occasionally more than a friend. Last year, I found joy during the pandemic when I fell in love with a nurse, and I celebrated all the locked-down holidays with him and his wife. Our romantic relationship ended as the world shifted toward normal, but our love still brings me joy. His wife will make multiple pies in my kitchen on Thursday....

The value of our polyam family isn’t in its stability, but rather that we choose each other even when we change, relationships change, feelings change. The power is in the choosing. There’s no obligation. I can only offer invitation and acceptance.

Next year, our Thanksgiving guests may be different. My ex, the nurse, and his wife may choose to visit family in Colorado. My husband’s girlfriend may prioritize another partner or her family. These choices are ours to make. For me, the beauty is in making space for us to gather and also making space for each person to make their own choices.

Polyam family is like any family. We get our hearts broken. We have petty fights and legitimate conflicts. We complain about one another from time to time. We don’t choose one another because we’re perfect. Chosen family means choosing complex humans, including our faults and struggles. It’s vulnerable to build a family with deeply flawed humans. But there’s no other option.

After a childhood spent learning to say no, deny pleasure and abstain from anything possibly unholy, I’ve learned to revel in life’s abundant pleasures. My polyam family amazes me with each of their capacities for love. It’s not easy to be vulnerable. We open ourselves, share love, swim in pleasure, sometimes get hurt.

...My community reminds me that the scarcity mind-set that tells us we can only have one love, that we must compete for our lover’s attention, is a lie. There’s always an abundance of love if you have the courage to be vulnerable. And the courage to share.

● Not the first poly holiday bingo card nor the last. This one's from attorney Stacey McClarty of ChosenFamilyLawTX.

And a couple old faves of the season:

●  Sometimes you can't tell if Kimchi Cuddles is being her usual bubbly, helpful self or sliding in a sly knife of snark  — in this case, regarding secondary-stranding:

BTW, among all the authors above, women outnumber men 15 to 2. That's not too unusual for poly writers and public figures, but on this subject it's a stronger tilt than the average of about 3 to 1.

● When Bone Poets Orchestra played the Poly Living West convention in Seattle a dozen years ago, lead singer Chris Bingham declared from the stage that any band hoping for commercial success (something that has eluded BPO) must do a Christmas song. Here are Chris and life partner Sue Tinney...

...from a video directed by Terisa Greenan, with "Christmas Down South (of your Mason-Dixon Line)". Also starring um-friends indoors. 

Bone Poets Orchestra and its previous incarnation as Gaia Consort produced some poly-themed songs across many years. These deserve to be kept alive. Here's a selection:

● Their devotional Three [lyrics] [mp3] was an informal theme song of the annual Loving More East retreats.

● Family [lyrics] [mp3] was used in the soundtrack of the poly documentary "When Two Won't Do" (2002) and later became the theme song of "Family" the poly-household web TV series (2008-09).

● Move to the Country [lyrics] [mp3] is a friendly self-satire.

● Another satire: Perils of Poly [lyrics] [mp3] "Oh, if we all dream together/ Can we nightmare too?"

● Moving and deep: Goodnight [lyrics] [mp3].

● Yes! [lyrics] [mp3].

●  And it wouldn't be the season without another reprise of....

Anne Hunter (in hat) and partners, of PolyVic in Australia, made this Christmas classic in 2007. The final verse:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true loves gave to me
Twelve minutes alone (sigh)--
Eleven Christmas dinners
Ten jealousy cures
Nine long discussions
Eight dozen condoms
Seven Google Calendars
Six-handed mas-sage
Five, Ethical, Sluts!

Four sandwich hugs
Three-way snogs
Too much attention
And a quick course in polyamor-ee!

Another from Polyamorous Platypus

●  AND FINALLY,

I just got a year-end holiday fundraising letter from William Winters, president of OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, which formed last year.

As I said a few posts back, this is finally the ambitious, professional, capable ENM/polyactivist organization we've always needed, and that for decades I've wished we had. Read their year-end report to see what I mean.  They got startup money from The Polyamory Foundation and from a couple of big donors. But as the letter points out, they have to broaden their income base to keep going.

So please give them something. Or at least sign up for their mailing list to keep up with what's happening!

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Dear Alan,

I’ll never forget arriving to the first Day of Visibility for Non-monogamy picnic and rally in Oakland, California. In the runup to the event, I had no idea how many people would actually be willing to show up.

But when I got there on that sunny day, I saw a crowd of hundreds of people gathered to proudly celebrate how we love and live. Kids were playing, people were talking and sharing, and when our guest speakers took the mic, they included a local politician who affirmed that protecting non-monogamous folks from discrimination is very much on the legislative agenda.

That day I saw that the work we're doing at OPEN really matters. We're part of a growing movement that’s shining a new light on non-monogamy and ensuring that our values and identities are part of the story of how we create families, relationships, and community in the 21st century.

Despite OPEN's growing success, this movement faces real risks. And speaking as a longtime community leader and movement organizer, I can tell you that the biggest risk is the least sexy: ensuring that we can continue to fund our work. Luckily, that’s the risk that you can do the most to help address right now.

Click here to help fund OPEN's pivotal work supporting non-monogamous families and relationships in 2024.

It takes real investment to win the kind of fights we’re taking on at OPEN. We stood up to Facebook over their treatment of non-monogamy. We ignited a media conversation about a popular TV show’s one-dimensional portrayal of polyamorous relationships. Our Open Workplaces Iniative has helped form non-monogamy employee groups in major corporations. And of course, we successfully organized the first global Day of Visibility for non-monogamy. It's a testament to what a small organization like ours can do!

But movements can't grow when most of their funding comes from a relatively small number of generous supporters. If we’re going to maintain this record of success as we take on even bigger fights, we need to make sure that our funding reflects the scope of the communities we serve.

Celebrating the Day of Visibility in Oakland.
From right to left: William Winters, President;
Brett Chamberlin, Executive Director;
Lily Lamboy, Director, Open Workplace Initiative

So as you read this around the holiday giving season, please consider contributing to the vital work we're doing at OPEN to make the world safer for non-monogamous people and families.

Click here to help fund OPEN's pivotal work supporting non-monogamous families and relationships in 2024.

Thank you so much for your generous support. See you in 2024!

William Winters

President, OPEN Board of Directors

P.S. Want to learn more about what OPEN accomplished in 2023 and see what's in store for 2024? Check out our 2023 Impact Report 

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