"When One Lover Is Not Enough"

The Dominion Post (Wellington, New Zealand)

Earlier this month a newspaper in New Zealand printed an article on area polys that, while positive, was a second-rate bit of journalism. Now another kiwi paper, this time in Wellington, does a better job.

By EMILY WATTS | Saturday, 15 March 2008

"Honeys, I'm home," calls Zachary as he walks through the door. Three kisses for his partner Mary, sitting curled on the couch — one, two, three.

Moving to the other end of the couch, he deposits three kisses on Anna's lips, one, two, three — and then a fourth.

Back to Mary, another kiss to even it up — and then another. And so on. "Sometimes Zachary spends a good 10 minutes going from one to the other," laughs Mary.

...Zachary and Mary were married for about six years when they met Anna and invited her to move in. They have been together for a year.

Both women are bisexual; the relationship is known as a triad.

"You really have to have your shit sorted to do this," says Zachary.

"But if it works, the advantages are just incredible, and I'm not just talking about the sex. It's just this is an interesting household."

..."Many people are torn between deceptive adultery and unsatisfying monogamous relationships. This is the best of both worlds, I guess," said Carl Turney, a researcher on the subject.

...[Turney] says the poly lifestyle is more common and varied than you might think. Many are discreet about their lifestyles, living as singles or couples, and chances are you wouldn't know.

...Mr Turney advises Polyamory Wellington, a monthly support group where about a dozen people meet to discuss issues and support each other. He says the lifestyle is often run by women.

..."When I have had romantic involvements with other women, it has also made me appreciate my wife more," says Wellington IT consultant Hamish, aged in his 30s, who has an open relationship with his wife.

They say it is an ideal arena in which to raise kids. With the growth of step-families, many children have more than two parents, but in this case, they all love each other.

The scope for jealousy is huge. Everyone who spoke to The Dominion Post admitted jealousy or insecurities had to be worked through....

Of course, there is no guarantee that your partner will not fall in love with someone else and leave you. Relationships break up, just as they do for other people.

But polys are also aware of what they call NRE, new relationship energy.

Hamish says with any new relationship, "there's a natural release of serotonin and other chemicals, similar to cocaine". In other words, you're high on love.

"Once you understand that, it's just a case of being aware and not doing anything significant," Hamish says.

"No changes in your world that involve mortgages, suitcases or airline tickets. A real relationship doesn't start until NRE wears off."

...Hamish thinks [the public attitude] will open up as the lifestyle becomes better known.

"There's an opening in society for non-traditional relationships. It's honestly the logical next step."

To learn more about polyamory, go to the NZ website or phone 04 9702487. The polyamory group meets once a month. The next meeting is tomorrow....

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