Unveiling poly in Mexico

Various media

A glowing account of polyamory as an alternative way of life has appeared in several mainstream Mexican newspapers and news sites. The article is supposedly from the major national newspaper El Universal, but I don't find it there.

Translated:

Poliamor: to love several people at once

Mexico City — Is it really possible to love two people at once? Is it promiscuous? Perverse? Those who love multiple partners at once say that to the contrary, it is healthier than hiding relationships that can hurt third parties, or fourths, or fifths.

These are polyamorists, and polyamory means having several consensual relationships at the same time, where all the people involved in the relationship are fully aware of the existence of one or more others. These relationships are not necessarily sexual.

The characteristics that determine poliamoría — a term coined in the late 80s by a pagan priestess, Morning Glory Zell — are communication, ethics, honesty, love and loyalty above fidelity. Capabilities, in many cases, quite opposite to those found in a traditional relationship.

...Poliamoristas or poliamorosos say their philosophy is only an acceptance of human nature. They say the enemy is not pure and natural sex, only deceit and betrayal, according to a study published in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality on what polyamory is and isn't.

...Polyamory is just beginning to be known in Mexico, with a national website (poliamoria.com), a Yahoo discussion group, and three groups that gather to share experiences, meet others with the same preferences and make friends.

Those who live this way of love do not want the world to become "poly," as they are called, but to accept the possibility that monogamy could become an outdated option that is not keeping up with change and with modern life that needs relationship forms to evolve.

According to data from the Mexican Institute of Sexuality in Mexico City... the marriage rate is declining and although young people do not dare say they will not marry, making that decision may take decades.

There is disillusion and a crisis in the institution of marriage and monogamous marriage. Paulina Millán, a psychologist and research for Imesex, says the rule in polyamory is there are no rules; "each partner brings their own. One couple can open to a third person, or be a family of five. There is always a primary, which is the deep and close bond, and secondaries, which are satellite links."

Millan says that "we can not find everything we like and makes us happy in a single person. You can find satisfactory relationships with different people."

Included is a sidebar about a survey of 700 Mexicans taken in 2004; 64% said humans are naturally polygamous, and 51% of both men and women said it is possible to love more than one person at a time.

A second sidebar lists some pros and cons of polyamory and some psychological requirements. A third describes varieties: triads, group families, intimate networks, open couples, and polyfidelity. A fourth is titled "Poliamor vs. Swinger."

Read the whole article (in Metro Noticias de Tamaulipas, July 5, 2009, under a photo of the "Big Love" cast together in bed).

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Gay poly roundup

I spent a fun day helping staff the “Polyamory!” booth at Boston's Pride Festival last month. We seemed to fit right in — weirdness is as weirdness does, Forrest Gump might say... except maybe for the harried, suburban MF couple behind the table who were constantly chasing after their excited young kids like any couple at the Nebraska State Fair. They stood out a bit in the present surroundings, where "normal" meant sights like the elderly men marching down the midway in full leather horse gear with bits in their mouths, being directed by a horse driver tugging their reins.

We talked with loads of people and gave out flyers for Poly Boston, Family Tree, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, Loving More's East Coast Conference/Retreat, the Network for New Culture Summer Camp, Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. We displayed books and infinity-heart pins. I directed a sweet Quaker lady to the PolyQuakers yahoo group. The booth next to us was recruiting for a welcoming mixed-race Presbyterian church; the kids had a grand time helping the church people mass-produce pinwheels to give out; we talked church management (my wife used to be president of our UU church), and the Presbyterians seemed to come away with a very good impression of us.

So where does polyamory stand in the gay world?

Open, consensual nonmonogamy is certainly much more discussed, understood, and practiced among gays than straights. But my impression is that gay culture is so well developed at this point — while poly culture is still in its infancy — that gaydom easily fills up a person's entire queerness identity. That is, if a gay person is nonmonogamous, it's usually just viewed as an aspect of being gay. At least among men. The lesbians who stopped by our table seemed more intrigued with polyamory as a radical life in and of itself.

Or so it seemed to me. Full disclosure: I'm straight. Opinions?

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Anyway, it's past time for a roundup of gay poly media items.

1. In the online version of Chicago's Windy City Times, the gay therapist who writes the "Couples Connecting" column says, "I've probably spent over 100,000 hours over the last 19 years listening and speaking with lesbians and gay men about love and relationships." Last fall he described the nonmonogamy debate:

Can gay men be monogamous?

By Bruce Koff, LCSW
Oct. 10, 2008

Of the many questions gay men face in forming romantic relationships, two are most prominent: “Can gay men be monogamous?” and “Should they be?” If you want to stir it up at a gathering of friends, go ahead and touch this “third rail” of gay male discourse and watch the sparks fly....

The open relationship argument goes something like this. Gay men, being men, are by nature inclined toward sex with multiple partners. It's not only natural, but is a vital component of urban gay male culture and offers a sexually charged counterpoint to heterosexual norms. Open relationships, it's argued, challenge traditional beliefs that equate relationship with ownership; that is, the exclusive control of one person's body by another. When men give each other permission to have sex with others, they are expressing an unselfish love that strengthens the relationship and enhances their sexual chemistry.

The monogamy side, in contrast, views a closed relationship as a more stable one in which the bonds of love are expressed and reinforced through fidelity, restraint and moderation. Some would add that monogamous relationships are more secure, that men in monogamous relationships are happier, and that monogamy fosters psychological health and inhibits the spread of HIV. Proponents of monogamy often view non-monogamy as a visceral reaction to our history of having been criminalized and stigmatized. Sex with multiple partners is a deeply ingrained response to oppression in which the gay man declares: “No one, not even a partner or spouse, can tell me what I can and can't do sexually.” While that response is understandable, the monogamist might argue that it is irrelevant to the modern gay male relationship....

Read the whole article.

Later Koff did a followup:

Non-Monogamy: Does It Work?

By Bruce Koff, LCSW
Feb. 25, 2009

...Most of the gay men I've known who've had any success with open relationships emphasize the deep level of honesty required. I have also observed several other factors that, taken together, create a set of guidelines that can work. I list them here....

— The decision to open the relationship should be a function of the strength of the relationship, not of its weakness....

— The decision to open the relationship must be mutual. Partners should have equal power in the relationship.... If you're doing this because you think you have to, don't.

— Any agreement to open the relationship should contain within it elements that recognize that the relationship comes first; that's why it's called a primary relationship. I've encountered a range of such elements....

— Any agreement should be time-limited and subject to periodic, routine discussion and review....

— Partners should agree to do nothing that could expose each other to danger or harm, such as sexually transmitted diseases, drug use or interpersonal violence....

— Most important, both partners should have already established a high level of trust in each other. The relationship should have a proven capacity to foster honesty and to deal with conflict, jealousy, competitiveness, hurt, or other types of vulnerability....

Read the whole article.

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2. In The Gay and Lesbian Times this week, psychotherapist Michael Kimmel offers GLBT folks advice on how to choose whether to open or close a relationship:

A guide to infinite sexual possibilities

...Although [The Ethical Slut's] “infinite sexual possibilities” sounds great, how do you pull it off with grace and sanity?

...Let’s say you and your partner want to remain emotionally faithful but want to sexually open up your relationship. This is likely to bring major changes to all its aspects. So it’s important that you both sit down and figure out what you each mean by “emotionally faithful” and how sexually opening up your relationship is likely to change it. Ask yourselves:

• What is your intention for your relationship? Why are you still together? Is it to have fun, share great sex, deepen an emotional connection, see if you can be life partners?

• What would be the purpose of either an open relationship or of monogamy? What are the pros and cons of each?...

• What does “emotional monogamy” mean to you and your partner? If this is important to you, how can you remain emotionally committed to each other while having sex with other people?

I’ve seen many longterm emotionally monogamous relationships that are sexually “open” or periodically go through “open” periods to refresh sex that has become predictable. Depending on the value that the partners place on sex, this may or may not be a problem. Some people like consistency (e.g., I know what you like and you know what turns me on), while others thrive on change and creativity....

And... nothing is irreversible. You can always change your minds!

Read the whole article (July 2, 2009).

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3. "Noah's Arc," the all-black gay drama/comedy on Canada's OutTV, is reviewed at length (with nonmonogamy mentioned) as this week's cover story in the Vancouver edition of Canada's Xtra:

“You interrupted my four-guy for this?” a more than exasperated Ricky protests as his best buds Noah, Alex and Chance summon him to a conference call....

...What “The Cosby Show” did for heightening the visibility of straight black middle-class America in the 1980s, “Noah’s Arc” does for black gay maledom.

It’s a celebratory vehicle that makes the lives and sexuality of black gay men visible to mainstream North America in general, and to African-Americans and the broader queer community in particular.

...Shortcomings aside, Noah’s Arc manages to treat several issues almost never addressed through the vehicle of black skin in the media: colourism, body image, phobia of effeminate men (cleverly dubbed effemina-phobia in the show), gaybashing, HIV/AIDS, monogamy, non-monogamy and being on the down low.

Read the whole article (July 2, 2009).

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4. Dan Savage speaks. Here's a video of the gay advice columnist (of "Savage Love" fame) answering a question about poly at a recent lecture event:

I've been to poly weddings, a couple. I've never been to a poly third anniversary party? I know that's an asshole thing to say (laughs). But it's true.... I haven't seen it done successfully often.

Savage, who is proud of his own 15-year pairing, argues that even a couple-relationship has so many moving parts that it often spins out of control, so the odds are stacked against relationships that are even more complicated. Comments Mus Q. Rat, "I think he needs to get out more." Watch and leave a comment. Interestingly, Savage mentions that all his poly friends are straight.

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5. Kathryn Martini (RecoveringStraightGirl.com) describes her ethical nonmonogamy for JustOut, a gay paper in Portland, Oregon, and wonders "if forbidden fruit isn’t forbidden, it may not taste as sweet."

Faithful Only Unto You?

I don’t value monogamy; I value honesty. I recently told this to my hair stylist during a coloring session. She looked at me in the mirror with a perplexed expression and didn’t know quite what to say. Her reaction was not unusual. When the subject of monogamy comes up and I answer this way, the typical response is, “You’re more evolved than I am,” followed by, “I could never do that.”

And then I ask, “Why?”

Monogamous relationships are not necessarily biologically natural, yet we as a society place an incredible amount of value on them.... Unfortunately, most people are too afraid to have an honest conversation about it with their partner.

...My wife and I have a 3,000-mile clause. If we’re more than 3,000 miles away from each other, we are free to explore anything we like, no questions asked....

More than anything, it has taken the taboo out of cheating. I know that if I wanted to be with someone else, my partner would most likely allow me to do so as long as I was up front and honest with her. This makes the idea of it almost not as interesting. People are more likely to want something they know is forbidden than something that is not — this is proven repeatedly in many different situations....

Read the whole article (April 3, 2009).

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Poly casting call for "major cable network"

We know the television biz has its eye on polyamory as a possible Next Big Thing for drama and comedy. "Big Love" has been a great success for HBO, even though it's about quasi-Mormons in Utah doing something 19th century rather than about people like viewers' own friends and neighbors. At Loving More's Poly Living Conference last winter, Reid Mihalko, who writes TV screenplays, told the crowd, "There's a lot of interest in getting this [topic] on TV, but nobody is quite biting, because nobody knows if the advertisers will want it. It's kind of happening, but you don't see it yet, because it's not on the air yet."

(Reid has co-created a pilot show of his own for a poly comedy/drama series called "Polly and Marie", and he told the crowd, "HBO almost bought" it. Watch the trailer.)

Now a serious TV production company in Seattle is putting out a poly casting call for this Wednesday, July 8th, in the form of a potluck dinner picnic at a city park. It's for a poly reality series, for which they claim to have "a major cable network" lined up:

Seattle based Screaming Flea Productions is casting a ground breaking new documentary series for a major cable network about people who choose a poly amorous lifestyle. We look forward to meeting anyone interested in participating. Even if you're not sure you want to participate but want to hear what we have to say, please join us! Attending the potluck does not obligate you to be in the series. The potluck will be held at 6:00 PM on Wednesday July 8th at Gasworks Park in Shelter #1. http://www.seattle.gov/parks/_images/maps/picnics/GasWorks.pdf. Producers will explain the project in detail and answer any and all questions people have. We will provide some basics for the potluck, but please feel free to bring a dish to share.

Please share this information to anyone you think may be interested!

For more information about Screaming Flea Productions, please visit our website at www.screamingflea.net.

At their site are impressive-looking lists of clients and productions, and this description:

Screaming Flea Productions is one of the country's leading producers of non-fiction television. We have produced nearly 400 hours of network programming and have over 80 years of combined television experience. Formerly known as Belo Productions, Screaming Flea is the same award-winning team, experienced storytellers with ideas and attitude, …high production value …imaginative …innovative …cutting-edge, producing programs that work and to which viewers respond.

The slogan for the series is "Real Life Big Love." Does anyone know more about it? I spotted the invitation on a FetLife poly community; does that mean they're looking for people who are... umm... unusual? (I won't say "freak show.") Can someone go to this event and report back?

And remember, "Be a credit to your kink."

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UPDATE, July 10: John U went, and he reports:

At least a dozen Seattle Area polys showed up Wednesday evening, July 8, to meet with about a half dozen Screaming Flea people. As an entertainment industry professional who has worked on book, CD, and video projects over the years, I was very impressed with the Fleas. They were direct, clear, no nonsense people. I definitely felt they were trustworthy and were doing the show because they thought the public might benefit from learning about poly, not just be entertained by it.

As to their posting on Fetlife, they also posted elsewhere, on non-kink focused poly lists. They were not just looking for poly kinksters.

They are looking to get funding from a major cable channel to do a half dozen episodes for starters.

A number of us went through their screen test procedure, which was standing in front of a camera and talking for a few minutes about our poly lives. They were clear that none of this test material would make it out of their archives.

UPDATE, July 13: PolyAnna of Seattle also went, and she reports on her blog (reprinted with permission):

Okay kids, progress report time. I recently attended a casting call for a possibly upcoming poly documentary series by Screaming Flea, a Seattle film production company. I read about the event at Polyamory in the Media, another awesome poly resource on Blogspot. A very important one, I might add, so if you're not already following it, please do.

So. The basic idea is this; a number of major networks have requested that Screaming Flea put together a pitch for a polyamorous documentary series. I get the impression that the networks put in this request to multiple film production companies, though I do have to admit that I'm totally inferring that idea, the representatives of Screaming Flea did not overtly say that. So Screaming Flea had this potluck as a way to initially meet the poly community in Seattle. It turns out that none of the Screaming Flea people are poly, or at least not as far as I could tell, so they were trying to get kind of an idea of what subjects to cover and basically what kind of people would be interested in participating in a documentary of this type.

Myself and my primary partner talked to all of the members of the production company. They were very nice, and didn't seem to hold any particular presuppositions about a lifestyle that isn't exactly well represented so far. It seems that the main goal of Screaming Flea at the time of the potluck was to just meet the people, get some basic ideas of what poly means, (no small task, I know) and to make contacts with people who may be interested in being filmed for the documentary if it were to be picked up by the networks. The final thing was to get people to agree to be filmed introducing themselves and talking about their particular flavor of poly on camera so that the production company would have some footage to use to pitch to the networks to try to get the poly documentary contract.

All in all, I would say nothing negative about the event. The Screaming Flea people seemed interested in learning about poly culture. When I spoke to one of the members about how there might be a percentage of poly people who would be somewhat hesitant about participating in a documentary for legal reasons (job related, child related, etc.), they were sympathetic and made it clear that anyone with reservations should not be participating in such a project. They seemed to do a satisfactory job of expressing what the project was and why they were having the potluck. Really, the project is in very initial stages and the potluck functioned mostly as a meet and greet.

Okay. So that said, I would have to say that at this stage I'm very much supporting this project. One of the conversations that I've had multiple times at or since the potluck is how horribly poly has been represented via documentary in recent years. I even spoke to a person who participated in one such documentary and was highly misrepresented because of editing, according to him. While I realize this is a real risk as far as documentaries go, I really, really believe that quantity of poly representation in popular media is an issue right now. I would probably feel differently if the production company gave me any idea that they might demonize poly, but at this point it seems that their focus is on learning as much as they can. I very much hope that this documentary series gets off the ground. I plan on participating as much as it is possible for me to do so.

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The Governor Mark Sanford affair

It's been more than a week since South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's disappearance, reappearance, and tearful revelation on national TV of his tragic love affair with the Argentine woman he calls his soul mate.

Yes, he's a screwup for cheating on his wife, deserting his post, and failing to "choose the difficult right over the easy wrong" — both by his own Christian lights and my poly ones. But this isn't about another scummy politico getting nookie on the side. This is about a conservative, middle-aged man who was utterly blindsided by falling genuinely, life-changingly in love — while boxed inside an ideology of Christian monogamy that leaves him no basis to understand what happened to him, except maybe that the Devil attacked.

So, I seized on this as a teachable moment. I posted to the new Polyamory Leadership Network¹ saying we ought to crank out a press release explaining that while dishonesty and cheating are never good, there are other ways to love more than one; that falling in love while partnered does not have to be a tragedy; and that some people are making it work wonderfully all around.

Robyn Trask, director of Loving More, grabbed the ball and ran with it. Within hours she wrote and sent out a press release to Loving More's list of 150 media contacts.

That was on June 25th. So far, no joy; I haven't seen a peep of mainstream-media interest in discussing the poly alternative. (However, keep an eye on Newsweek, a little bird tells us.)

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Let's back up a bit. To grasp what's going on, read this Washington Post account of Sanford's incoherent, emotional press conference ("I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina so I could repeat it when I got here"). And read his leaked e-mails to Maria. Excerpts:

I remember [wife] Jenny, or someone close to me, once commenting that while my mom was pleasant and warm it was sad she had never accomplished anything of significance. I replied that they were wrong because she had the ultimate of all gifts — and that was the ability to love unconditionally. The rarest of all commodities in this world is love. It is that thing that we all yearn for at some level — to be simply loved unconditionally for nothing more than who we are — not what we can get, give or become....

How in the world this lightening [sic] strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure.... In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I wish I could wish it away, but this soul-mate feel I alluded too is real....

I looked to where I often look for advice and counsel, and in I Corinthians 13 it simply says that, “Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the right, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things”. In this regard it is action that goes well beyond the emotion of today or tomorrow and in this light I want to look for ways to show love in helping you to live a better — not more complicated life....

I also don’t want you walking away from some guy (I take it the younger guy you mentioned at dinner) because of me — and what we both have to see as an impossible situation. I better stop now least this really sound like the Thornbirds — wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie’s arms....

...In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul. I love you ... sleep tight. M

I have to respect that, no matter what the circumstances.

Here is Loving More's press release. Excerpts:

LOVING MORE® non-profit is all too familiar with Governor Mark Sanford’s challenging situation. We are an organization that helps and supports people in finding ethical, mutually agreed-upon ways for loving more than one person in honest multi-partnered relationships. We help partners consciously negotiate their relationship styles and agreements, whether monogamy or polyamory, with ethics and integrity.

Loving More Executive Director Robyn Trask issued the following statement.

"My heart goes out to Mr. Sanford, his wife and kids, and to his lover in Argentina. In my job I am contacted by people from all walks of life going through similar challenges of loving more than one.... We live in a culture that is in denial of the fact that many people are capable of, and do find themselves, loving more than one person, and we laden them with guilt for loving. People are calling Gov. Sanford's case a "sex scandal," but if you listen to Mr. Sanford and read his words, it is obvious this not about sex but about love and connection; it would be better described as a love scandal. Is he a hypocrite? Yes, but he is also human. The real scandal is denying the impossibility for some of monogamy. What would happen if in our culture, ethical, agreed-upon polyamory were as acceptable as monogamy?

Politics aside, this is a man in crisis because we as a society have decided there is only one right way to have a loving relationship....

And she quotes Michael Rios, a Loving More and Polyamory Leadership Network member:

“I'm no fan of Sanford, nor the hypocrites of either party, but the real story here is that monogamy is *not* the right choice for a lot of people. Even with such strong convictions and so much to lose, these 'family values' types keep stepping out of line. They aren't *that* weak — a weak person couldn't have gotten to where they are.

“...There are millions of Americans of both genders who have found a way to be honest and responsible while loving more than one romantic partner. The practice of this is called 'polyamory'. When many people first encounter this idea, they realize that their style of loving is not immoral, disturbed, or inferior. Many of these people have been living this way for decades, having long-term stable relationships, raising children, and being responsible members of society....

“I keep waiting for some politician to have the guts to say (as a number of European politicians have done), 'Yes, I love both of them, and intend to keep both of them in my life.' ”

Robyn continues with the example of former Colorado Governor Roy Romer:

Loving More is aware of one politician who did just that, Colorado Governor Roy Romer in 1998. When questioned about his relationship with former aide B. J. Thornberry, he admitted to a 16-year relationship. Denying that it was an affair, Governor Romer explained that he had a close and complex relationship with Thornberry, and he further clarified that his family and wife were aware of the relationship all along and that it would continue. Romer defined to the press that marital fidelity was about “openness” and “trust”. Although there was some shock at his statements, it is interesting to note that when he acknowledged the relationship openly the press quickly lost interest.

With these latest developments involving a high-level politician who has a longstanding rhetoric of “traditional family values”, Loving More is even further committed to educating people from all walks of life about open, honest loving alternatives to monogamy. There is no one-size-fits-all model of relationship.

Read the whole press release (as it appears on the Practical Polyamory blog of Anita Wagner, one of Loving More's three-member board of trustees).

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Update: On July 1st, a dumb marriage therapist on ABC-TV's "Good Morning America" compared Sanford's situation to polyamory. Keith B. on the Yahoo PolyGeezers group responds,

Find the video clip at http://abcnews.go.com/gma labeled "Can Gov. Sanford Save His Marriage?" After the news clip, there's a little Q&A with 2 "experts". The woman compares the governor cheating on his wife for 8 years to polyamory. The video timer counts down, so go to about 3 minutes left and you'll get the full remark.

Her name is Dr. Bethany Marshall from Los Angeles, CA:
http://www.bethanymarshall.com/

Flame Away!!!

Apparently the video clip is now down, but flaming is still in order.

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P. S.: Here's a noteworthy essay at OpEdNews.com about the Sanford affair by Federico Moramarco, a retired English professor at San Diego State University. Excerpt:

Isn't it time that we stop talking about the sanctity of marriage in this country and start talking about the sanctity of truth?

...The data on U.S. sexual behavior is notoriously unreliable. Studies over the past several decades have produced diverse estimates of male infidelity, ranging from 25 percent to 75 percent of men cheating on their wives.... According to a recent survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, 25 percent of men have had extramarital affairs, while 17 percent of women have committed adultery.... [But} why would anyone ever tell the truth about having fallen in love with someone other than one's spouse, when virtually all his fellow citizens, including the pollster taking the information, would see him/her as immoral?

I purposely used the phrase "fallen in love" rather than "cheated" because I was struck by a recent poll... among 20-29 year olds, in which 48% of respondents told an AOL Personals Survey that they believe you can be in love with more than one person at the same time....

...The reason the Sanford and Ensign affairs have aroused such enmity is not only that these men were unfaithful, but that they were also hypocritical.... But shouldn't we consider our own hypocrisy as a nation on this particular issue as well?

...The word "polyamory" has come into fashion over the last few years, although the concept has been around for a very long time....

And see nleseul's essay at Daily Kos:

...Because love isn't clean. It doesn't organize itself for our convenience into neat little social breeding units. It's terribly messy. ...Affairs, impossible choices, unrequited wishes, unfulfilled fantasies, lovers who should never have become life partners, life partners who would be better platonic, friends who might as well be lovers, temptation, surrender, guilt, loss, regret, anger, compersion, jealousy, and sometimes even happiness.... The Greeks were right in imagining it as a blind youth with a bow, firing haphazardly into crowds and laughing maniacally at the chaos that results....

More and more ordinary people... are questioning that framework. They are loving as they will and choosing paths through life that acknowledge their loves, and as a result concepts like same-sex relationships, transgenderism, polyamory, BDSM, sex work, swinging, platonic relationships, and casual hookups have come almost into the mainstream of cultural discourse....

But the culturally conservative political and cultural elite continue to lag behind the values of the broader culture. ...They simply follow the scripted rituals and hope that love will conform itself into the paths that have been chosen for them. And until one of them stands up and refuses to mouth along with the ritual, the pain will continue — for themselves, for their families, for all the people who look to them for moral leadership.

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¹ The Polyamory Leadership Network is a collection of poly-awareness activists who decided to get together to share ideas and resources. Its members make no claim to represent anyone but themselves; "leadership" here means "doing good stuff off your own bat without waiting for someone else."

The PLN started in October 2008 with a meeting of 34 activists in New York right after Poly Pride Weekend. The second "summit" meeting brought 64 activists to the Philadelphia area at the end of February 2009; it was held right after Loving More's Poly Living Conference in the same hotel. At this meeting, many volunteer committees and working groups were set up — for such projects as media advocacy, recruitment and training of public spokespeople, creating a speakers bureau, collecting legal resources for polyfamilies and their lawyers, outreach to and support of monogamous partners, college and TNG ("The Next Generation") outreach, creating materials for health/sex educators and therapists, fundraising, obtaining tax-exempt educational status, and other brainstorms. However, followup action has frankly been slow.

Work is done mostly through collaborative Google Groups. Membership is by invitation, and by filling out an application about yourself and your poly work. The best way to get invited is to accomplish good stuff in public that gets you noticed. Or write to me; I'm on the membership committee.

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More poly i svenska

HBL (Helsinki)

The Swedish-language newspaper HBL in Helsinki, Finland, offers "Monogamy? No Thanks!" — with a photo of four toothbrushes (teethbreesh?) sharing a cup.

By Julia Wiraeus

Why choose? The more to share love with, the better. Or so say Leo and Ida, who opened their relationship to another partner. The threesome has been discontinued, but both still have their own lovers.

"One single person cannot be all in my life. It just doesn't work," says Ida, who is approaching middle age. "Many people believe that I get jealous when Leo meets his mistress, but I lose nothing by him having it good with another."...

"I had known this person a long time and noticed that I was about to be in love," [says Leo.] Before anything got started he talked with his wife. After long talks, they opened their relationship.

To always wake up next to the same person is impossible for Saku Susi. To have and to give love is most important. That is why he stopped distinguishing between friends and partners....

Polyamori has always existed, hidden or open.... [Susi] sees all human relations as unique. They transform and grow over time without being defined in relation to others. Anarchism in general, and relationship anarchism in particular, have been of interest to him since he came into contact with the concept on the web.... Googling on "polyamoria" pops up his blog.

...Around the world are political movements that want to make it possible to register partnership with several people. On Stockholm Pride [English; Svenska], polyamorösa is on the same footing as other sexual minorities....

Read the original article (June 26, 2009), and kommentera. Thanks to Zui Muss for the tip.

The article appeared in the newspaper's magazine insert, Volt. It says you can "learn more about polyamori and Ida and Leo, and Saku Susi and Moa" in the next day's issue (June 27), but if that's online yet, I couldn't find it.

P. S.: Two years ago I posted about a TV report on Poly Pride Week in Stockholm. Can anyone add some more links to Swedish poly media?

Also: note the Polykonferens 2009 in Göteborg, Sept. 6–9.

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More poly em Português

Jornal de Notícias (Portugal)

Several articles on polyamory have appeared in Portugal in the last year, such as this one:

Polyamory is a new model of relationship

By Helena Norte

Multiple relationships, simultaneous and consensual. Not just sex. Sex and affection. Multiple loves. Polyamory. A new concept for a practice that has always existed and that challenges one of the greatest taboos of our society: monogamy.

It's a new form of marriage partnership without emotional and sexual exclusivity, and with equal rights. This means that there is no room for betrayal, illusions or infidelities. Because nobody is being fooled.

It's not just sex, like swinging or agreed-upon sexual infidelity in which emotional involvement is prohibited. In polyamory, the affection is the most important dimension.

"Polyamory takes the excessive weight off of sex," argues Ana, or Antidote as she is known among nonmonogamy activists. She adds, "The commandment of monogamy — exclusivity — is replaced by the commandment of honesty."...

It's unknown how many polyamorists exist in Portugal. The concept was introduced to our country relatively recently. The "poly portugal" [Yahoo group] has about 60 participants, a number that does not reflect the real size of the community, explains Ana, one of the moderators.

Five years ago Lara created the site poliamor.pt, which gets about 170 visits per month. More recently, weekly meetings have started in Lisbon for people interested in this lifestyle.

To Gabriela Moita, a clinical psychologist specializing in sexuality, "Man is not monogamous or polygamous by nature. Socialization teaches us how to think and choose feelings, leading us to punish or allow certain types of emotions."...

Read the whole article (October 19, 2008). And the sidebar: "Relações em "V" e em triângulo". Or read a .pdf image of the printed pages, with pictures.

Two weeks later, a bemused elderly columnist expressed skepticism:

Is "Polyamory" the solution?

By António Freitas Cruz

I think readers have given deserved honors to the comprehensive work that Helena Norte published in the Sunday edition two weeks ago. I refer to the report on "polyamory," presented as a "new concept" that "defies one of the greatest taboos of our society: monogamy"... a brand new phenomenon, a "unique form of nonexclusive conjugality with equal rights."

In the scholarly opinion of a sociologist, "polyamory" signifies "a strategy of democratization of intimacy" — a statement that will be enough to accredit it to a broad layer of the political world, especially the youth faction, always eager for excuses to break down the barriers of values and principles....

Read the whole column (Nov. 2, 2008).

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Also: Antidote writes the Portuguese poly blog Our Laundry List. She tells us, "We have now a group of more people who tomorrow (June 28, 2009) will start a new poly blog, again in Portuguese. You can aim your feeder to PolyPortugal. As for me, I will continue with the Laundry List blog as before, writing in parallel on both projects."

Description of the new site: "É um grupo de discussão e apoio para pessoas que se interessam por e/ou praticam o Poliamor. Alguns dos membros interessam-se também por tornar activamente a sociedade mais amistosa para com o Poliamor em particular e para com a diversidade em geral."

Also: at Poliamor (poliamorpt.com.sapo.pt) is this roundup of other print articles and radio programs, most of which were new to me.

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More poly en Español

La Capital (Rosario, Argentina)

Argentina has modernized a lot since the fascist horrors of 1970s. Here, a newspaper reviews a new book on the future of love, sex, and gender. (But it's too bad the paper had to use Photoshop to get two men and a woman into a poly triad!) An excerpt, translated:

Bye-bye to just one partner; on polyamory and bisexuality

A study speaks well of a "revolution in relations."

...This study predicts that in the near future, tender and loving bisexual relationships will be common currency. [The book is] La cama reb/velada: Pasado, presente y futuro del sexo y del amor (Editorial del Nuevo Extremo). The author, Regina Navarro Lins, is a renowned Brazilian psychoanalyst and sexologist, author of several books on the subject and a former professor at the Pontificia Universidade Católica in Rio de Janeiro.

She asserts that "the range of choices of love is expanding" and presents a detailed analysis of love, marriage and sex throughout history and across cultures. She concludes that the assumption of people "being satisfied with one single partner is weakening, leading to the hypothesis that it is possible to love more than one person at a time."

The study speaks of a true "revolution in relationships," with paths to new forms of loving bonds among human beings. One new configuration that is gaining ground in connections among lovers is "polyamory."

...On the sexual level, one manifestation of polyamory is bisexuality. To explain how this can grow into bonds among men and women, the researcher mentions the North American doctor Alfred Kinsey... who claimed that what with the fluidity of sexual desire, for every heterosexual there is at least one person with varying degrees of desire for both sexes....

Read the whole article (June 15, 2009).

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Another item: in Spain, canal Odisea (Odyssey Channel) presented eight TV documentaries on "new family models" (in cooperation with the BBC, CBC Canada and Chello Multicanal); one was on "the polyamory alternative." It was titled "I love you. And you, and you too." Description:

In a world where one of every two marriages ends in divorce and a high percentage of couples have adventures, many people seek alternatives to monogamy. Among those alternatives is polyamory: multiple relationships, but stable and durable. For many people this is taboo, for others a fantasy, but for some it is a reality. Odyssey invites you to follow families with several men and women, and explains the operation of this kind of life. We introduce a world where personal relationships are different than what we are used to, and consider the difficulties involved. (47 minutes.)

Here's the listing, with a winsome photo. The show was broadcast last February and was rebroadcast June 1, 2009. I don't find it online.

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"Multi-love: It's complicated"

RedEye (Chicago)

The mainstream Chicago Tribune puts out RedEye, a free daily "lite" newspaper read by more than 100,000 public-transit commuters. It's aimed at (as it tells advertisers) "young, urban professionals who are short on time and long on disposable income." Today it offers the longish feature article excerpted below.

Nitpicks aside, this is another little step toward our poly-friendly future world.

Multi-love: It's complicated

For some Chicagoans, enjoying multiple serious romances without cheating makes more sense than monogamy.

By Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz

...Today, Kumar, Prather and Bennett are in a relationship known in polyamory parlance as a "vee," because the structure resembles the letter "V": Bennett, representing the center point, is married to Prather and is dating Kumar, but Prather and Kumar are not romantically involved with each other (though they are close friends).

Unlike swingers, who swap or add partners to spice up their sex lives, polyamorists maintain multiple intimate relationships that are emotional as well as sexual — "swinging with breakfast," some call it. The "vee" is one of many forms of polyamory, which, once you add hierarchies and outside partners, can begin to look like an extended family of lovers.

...Sound complicated? It can be. The relationships take work, scheduling is paramount, and partners are not immune to jealousy. But for some people, enjoying multiple serious romances without cheating feels healthier than committing to one person for life — and society increasingly is taking notice.

...Though no statistics show the ranks of the polyamorous are increasing, anecdotally there seems to be growing awareness of and interest in the lifestyle, particularly among young adults, said Richard Sprott, executive director of the Berkeley-based Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities.

"Many people question if one person can fulfill all of their needs," Sprott said. "They want to explore many parts of themselves and not put such a burden on one person. And they want to do it honestly, ethically, upfront."

...People are hard-wired to want the security of connecting profoundly with one other person, said Josh Hetherington, a marital and family therapist with the Family Institute at Northwestern University.... "Anyone I've come across who wants to have multiple partners or multiple relationships, somebody is feeling burned by that," Hetherington said....

...But just because monogamy works for most people doesn't mean it works for everyone, said therapist David Rodemaker, who runs Many Loves, a workshop that meets monthly at the Center on Halsted for people practicing or interested in consensual nonmonogamy....

...To many, multiple partners may seem like more trouble than they're worth. But Prather said Kumar brings important elements to his marriage: a different point of view, a companion for Bennett, and another person to turn to in hard times. "He's like family; he's on our emergency contact list," Prather said.

And if Bennett and Kumar broke up?

"I'd be heartbroken," Prather said.

Read the whole article (June 22, 2009). With it are two sidebars: "Poly Lingo" and "Living the polyamorous life".

Nitpick: the writer naturally sought voices expressing the other side, but is the family therapist she quoted really so dumb as to think that the troubled couples coming to him for therapy are the only kind of couples? High-school students should know more about sampling error than that.

(Side rant: One of my beefs about our dumb schools is that basic concepts of statistics are often not taught, even in the data-driven 21st century. Why? Because algebra and calculus were what our great-grandfathers needed to get mechanical-engineering jobs based on pencil-and-paper math and 19th-century analytical techniques. So in 2009, algebra and calculus still often fill up the whole math curriculum, no room for anything else, sorry, don't bother us.)

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The Calvin Klein foursome ad, and its nationwide buzz

ABC News.com and others

Clothing designer Calvin Klein has long grabbed attention with ads that push sexual boundaries. The latest is a five-story mural in lower Manhattan of three hunky guys and a young woman who appear to be taking a languid break from an intimate foursome. Take a look. What a fuss this is raising.

An article on ABC News.com suggests that the ad is bringing polyamory closer to mainstream life (yes, they use the word). The article is by the same writer who did ABC News.com's article on poly and legalized group marriage one day earlier, and she quotes one of the same poly people:

Calvin Klein ad taps foursome sex

Edgy is Calvin Klein's middle name.

By Susan Donaldson James
June 19, 2009

And now, once again, the fashion company is shocking and titillating passersby with a new ad campaign in New York City's Soho neighborhood, a place where young mothers with strollers mingle with artists and hipsters.

A giant 50-foot-tall billboard advertising Calvin Klein jeans features two young men and a young woman entangled half-clothed (a male and female kissing) as a third man lays at their feet, either undressing or putting his pants back on.

Some say they find the ad so outrageous they won't buy Calvin Klein products again. Others have called it "disgusting."

"Not only the billboard, but a company — a corporate giant in America — feels it appropriate to put a semi-nude photograph in a major billboard in a high-traffic area where tens of thousands of children see this kind of activity going on," said Randy Sharp, director of special projects for the American Family Association, a Christian organization that promotes preservation of traditional values... whose members have sent off more than 15,000 e-mail complaints to the company.

...Calvin Klein Inc. did not return calls from ABCNews.com, but has earlier said its "intention was to create a very sexy campaign that speaks to our targeted demographic."

Some of those younger consumers are less judgmental about gender roles and have a more tolerant view of their sexuality, embracing gay marriage in larger numbers than their parents and, perhaps, seeing a threesome or even foursome as no big deal.

Many couldn't understand what all the "commotion" is about. One commenter on New York magazine's Web site declared, "All I can see are beautiful people having a good time. It's not the advertising that makes little children confused, it's the uptight handling with sex-related issues in general of their parents."

Even those who have never considered a ménage a trois (or more) don't seem shocked by the notion that more is merrier.

"I think that many younger people are OK with threes and fours, theoretically," said Lauren, a 28-year-old New York City teacher who did not want her last name used. "In college, many people engage in threesomes either with three friends, strangers or even their main partner and then a friend."

...The New York media -- accustomed to the bare midriffs that adorn Times Square -- has looked down its nose at the sexual implications of the four semi-nude models on the billboard.

"There's no such thing as a foursome," chided the Daily News. "Anything over three and it's called orgy."

That remark, said Ashara Love, a 51-year-old who belongs to Loving More, a Colorado-based organization that promotes polyamory, reflects society's disapproval of more sexually free attitudes.

..."With cultural imperatives, the mainstream media frequently reinforces what you should think," said Love, who is happily married but engages in threesomes. "Hey guys, it's over there, pay no attention, it's just an orgy."

What critics are upset about, according to Love, is the unusual combination of one girl and three young men.

"Everything about our arts and culture is homoeroticism and denial," she told ABCNews.com. "What men are really afraid of is having sex with another guy. That's what's scaring people."

But Love and others, say the brilliance of Calvin Klein is his ability to tap into the next wave of shifting attitudes -- especially among those who buy their products.

"He reaches young kids at a place where they are and opens them up even more," she said. "Everyone is really comfortable. They are having a good time, no wink, wink, nod, aren't we naughty for doing this. Everyone is completely in the moment and it's extremely confronting for people. It pushes the cultural input button."

But media observers say the issue is less about censorship and more about "media sanity" and what is age-appropriate.

"I can guarantee everyone below Houston Street [in Soho] is having a conversation with their children right now," said Liz Perle, editor-in-chief of Common Sense Media, a nonprofit that provides ratings for parents....

Read the whole article (June 19, 2009), and join the rapidly growing comments.

ABC also put up a short video news clip of offended city residents.

Also: CBS-TV News report (video).

Article at NBC New York.

AP video report.

Fox News's Bill O'Reilly weighs in (transcript).

New York Daily News.

Toronto got a slightly milder threesome version of the billboard.

Calvin Klein's own site offers other versions from the photo shoot, including one with two guys and three girls (click on "Jeans" and mouse-over to the right).

And more.

Update, June 24: Calvin Klein has taken down the mural and replaced it with a conventional ad of a dripping girl in a string bikini. Moralists heave sigh of relief.

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"Polyamory: When One Spouse Isn't Enough"

ABC News.com

This is kind of a biggie: ABC News profiles poly people regarding legalized group marriage. The article is on ABC's website; as far as I can tell the story wasn't broadcast on TV. (If you do see it on TV, please let me know.)

Polyamory: When One Spouse Isn't Enough

Some See Polyamorous Marriage as the Next Civil Rights Movement

By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
June 18, 2009

She was born Barbara, but calls herself "Ashara Love" because most people don't understand her unconventional family.

Love, a 51-year-old insurance underwriter from California, has been married to her husband "Cougar" for a decade, but they've had numerous sexual triads, which they insist have enriched their relationship.

"I am living my life partially hidden and partially open," said Love, whose friends and boss know about her sexuality, but her parents do not.

"Many of us adopt another name because it provides us with protection from being outed," she said. "We are the next generation after the gay and transgender communities."

As polyamorists, the couple belongs to a small group that believes people have the right to form their own complex relationships with multiple partners. The most vocal want the right to marry — as a cluster.

"We have rights to love any way we want unless we are harming other people," said Love. "Like the air we breathe, we have a right to be and do and say whatever is our full expression, and this to me is a civil right."

The polyamory movement grew out of the communes of the 1960s and the swingers of the 1970s, but today, with gay marriage legal in six states, some, like Love, say their cause should be next.

This nascent and as yet small effort to legalize group marriage is likely to enrage conservative religious groups that upheld Proposition 8, California's ban on gay marriage. In hard-hitting ads, those groups charged that allowing gay marriage would open the door to all kinds of non-traditional relationships, including polygamists.

"These group marriage people are certainly fringe, but clearly growing," said Glenn Stanton, director of family formation studies at Focus on the Family.

"Google the word 'polyamory' and see how many groups there are," he told ABCNews.com. "And look at their rhetoric. It is word-for-word what same-sex marriage advocates employ in their effort to redefine marriage. Is it really a good idea to open this Pandora's box?"...

...Polys say that monogamy is a cultural norm that often fails. "As a result, many marriages are train wrecks, even when they don't end in divorce," said Love's husband, Cougar, 58.

"Few people have good models to base their polyamory rules on," he told ABCNews.com. "For this reason, polyamory agreements must be negotiated with tenderness, empathy, partnership, and the commitment to keep everyone safe."

Polyamorists Value Fidelity

Love and Cougar's goal is to create a "polyfidelitous family" -- four, five or six people who don't have relationships outside the marriage.

"Every person in a cluster or family realizes that no one can be completely happy if anyone is not," he said.

But Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a sex therapist and professor at Columbia University Teachers College, says being successful at polyamory is a tall order.

"[It] demands knowing knowing yourself, replacing guilt with acceptance, communicating and embracing sexual energy, spirituality, new beliefs and a new culture," she told ABCNews.com. "Overcoming jealousy is key."...

Most Not Interested in Marriage

[Deborah Anapol says] today's polys have little interest in legalizing marriage and "the state being involved in their lives."

"Polys don't want to make it into a special identity and don't want to be known as a poly person," said Anapol. "They just want to live their lives. A movement tends to put you in an oppressed, underdog position."

"I'd like to think the movement has already succeeded and in the most liberal parts of this country, it's more accepted," she said. "The shift has already happened."

At 57, Anapol is now "single" after two marriages -- one traditional and the other polyamorous -- which produced two daughters.

"Both are comfortable with the idea," she said. "The 37-year-old has chosen a conventional monogamous marriage and the 20-year-old is still experimenting, but definitely attracted to the idea."...

Read the whole article, and go pile onto the comments. (Here's the article's plain text.)

My own take is that the more you think about it, the more impossibly difficult a group-marriage law would be under our current legal setup (as I've written before). In the best of circumstances, laws will probably take a couple of generations to adjust.

This is in marked contrast to gay-couple marriage, which fits right onto the existing legal framework for straight-couple marriage.

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