"The Latest Psychological Guide to Sexually Open Relationships "

More therapists are getting it about poly, or should. Knowledge of the subject is spreading, and therapist-oriented material is increasingly accessible — such as What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory (send this link to your shrink so you don't have to waste session time educating them), academic articles, and presentations at conferences (for instance).

Yesterday a pair of researchers and therapists in the UK and Finland posted a review of what they call "the latest psychological guide to sexually open relationships": the paper Clients in Sexually Open Relationships: Considerations for Therapists by Kevin Zimmerman in the Journal of Feminist Family Therapy (vol. 24, issue 3, July-Sept. 2012).¹ The 17-page paper is available only by payment or through an academic library, but Raj Persaud and Helinä Häkkänen-Nyholm give a rundown of its contents:

Kevin Zimmerman from Iowa State University... marshals a host of scientific research which questions whether everyone was really meant to be monogamous, and whether a great deal of couples' unhappiness arises out of pre-supposing monogamy is the only option.

Zimmerman raises the question of whether we could be socialized to believe that to be devoted to a second person is to love the first less, even though this standard does not apply when discussing adoring more than one child, for example.

Zimmerman explains that open relationships are different from infidelity or cheating because partners agree on the sexual boundaries of the relationship, and there is no deception about sex. Successful open relationships typically involve those who privilege authenticity over conformity in their relationships. 'Open' relationships can be characterised by more honesty and better observation of boundaries.

...'Open' relationships are sometimes seen as raising the status of women, releasing them to be with whom they want, bestowing greater power over their own bodies. Some heterosexual feminist women prefer 'open' relationships, he points out, to avoid appearing dependent on men, or out of contempt for being 'submerged' into a couple.

Monogamy is also the exception to relationships throughout the animal kingdom... Zimmerman cites work contending that of 4,000 mammal species, only about 3%, have been found to be monogamous, plus of the world's roughly 400 species of primates, monogamy has been reported for only nine.

Zimmerman argues even the shape of the male penis, together with male thrusting, apparently facilitates removal of other males' semen from the vagina, according to previous research....

Of the 185 human societies investigated in one study, only 29 restricted their members to monogamy, in addition, 154 of the 185 societies allowed men to have multiple partners if they could afford them.

Zimmerman explains that 'Partnered non-monogamy' refers to a committed couple that allows for sex outside the central relationship. Swinging is non-monogamy in a social context, also referred to as "the lifestyle", 'Polyamory' allows for partners to have more than one relationship that is sexual, loving, and emotional....

Bisexual women appear numerous in polyamorous communities... the standing joke being that they can "have their Jake and Edith too". According to Zimmerman, research confirms homosexual couples are much more likely to allow extra-dyadic sex.... Zimmerman also cites surveys which confirm that heterosexual couples in open relationships can be happy, intimate, and well-adjusted.

In a society in which monogamy is the only acceptable way to be in a committed relationship, Zimmerman contends individuals who experience attraction for anyone else besides their primary partner often experience guilt, shame, and deceit. Being too invested in the idea of monogamy and marriage paradoxically makes it more likely that many find the only way to accommodate our non-monogamous biology, is to cheat.

These arguments and evidence suggest the stigma over open relationships could be changing, and in the future, this lifestyle might even become the norm. Zimmerman compares [it to] co-habitation before or instead of marriage, around which there was a similar strong taboo just a generation ago....

Read their whole post (May 18, 2013; Huffington Post/ Lifestyle/ UK).

Another article about the paper appeared on a blogsite with 13 therapists, "Analyzing Adultery — Why Do People Cheat?"

It’s only cheating if you’re supposed to be monogamous … right?

...Cheating can still occur in nonmonogamous – or open – relationships....

In an article aimed at therapists who may come across clients in open relationships, Kevin Zimmerman outlines the various types of nonmonogamous relationships:

● Partnered nonmonogamy – “a committed couple that allows for extradyadic sex”
● Swinging – “nonmonogamy in a social context”
● Polyamory – “partners have more than one relationship that is sexual, loving and emotional”
● Solo polyamory – “nonmonogamous individuals who do not want a primary partner”
● Polyfidelity – “three or more people who have made a commitment to be in a primary relationship together”
● Monogamous/nonmonogamous partnership – “one person is monogamous and the other is not”

The key to all of these open relationships is honesty and boundaries, according to Zimmerman. For partners to be successful in a nonmonogamous relationship, they must be honest with their partner about what they want and the actions they partake in outside of the primary relationship. There must also be clear boundaries set and continually negotiated between the partners to make sure neither is unhappy with the situation.

...So in open relationships, much like in traditional relationships, cheating is whatever deviates from the rules about the relationship set down by both partners. In monogamous relationships these rules can be unspoken and are understood based on societal ideas of monogamy. In open relationships they often need to be worked out in a more explicit fashion....

The whole post (Oct. 23, 2012).

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1. Abstract: "Clients who are in or who wish to pursue a sexually open relationship may challenge therapists' heteronormative biases. Through this article the author provides an overview of open relationships and some research related to monogamous sexual behavior. Issues of ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, and SES pertaining to open relationships are considered. The author offers some guidelines for therapists, including topics to discuss with clients, comorbidity issues, and assessment and treatment approaches. The Intersystems approach to sex therapy is then presented which can frame therapists' understanding of open relationships, and the author concludes with some ideas for future research and attention."

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Dating: "How to come out as polyamorous"

RedEye (Chicago)

The Chicago Tribune puts out a free, supposedly hip daily tabloid paper for 18-to-34-year-olds, circulation 200,000. In this morning's issue, a dating columnist offers advice to poly people on the eternal question of when to break the news to a potential new interest.

Advice: How to come out as polyamorous

By Anna Pulley

Anna Pulley

I'm wondering when is the best time, and how, to tell a prospective dating person that you are in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously before any physicality, but in a more granular sense, when? Call, text, first date?

--Poly Wanna Answer

...There’s a delicate balance when you’re first dating someone of what to disclose and what not to. You want to be honest and upfront, but you also want to respect the “getting to know you” process, which can be upset by Big Conversations too early....

I’m a big fan of letting squishy topics come up organically, which they inevitably do when there’s a budding mutual attraction. Dropping a bomb on someone out of context tends to come off like a guilty confession, or something you’re ashamed of....

“So, are you dating anyone?” is a common question, and a perfect opportunity to let your prospective date know that you are dating other people, and not monogamously. If they want to know more, or have specific questions about it, then tell them. Don’t lie or evade the question if it comes up, since that will only serve to bite you in the ass later (and not in the way you are hoping).

I don’t think you’re obligated to come out as poly before anything physical happens, unless there’s been some kind of relationship talk, or if the person is under the assumption that you only have thighs for her. If the date in question seems more conservative or traditional, I’d disclose your poly status sooner than later. But if it’s more of a casual encounter, there’s no need to bog down your date with a treatise on the hierarchy of your relationship structure and long-term compatibility....

Read the whole column (May 15, 2013).

Well, a lot of us realize that many people assume that a real relationship with a good person will be monogamous, without anyone saying anything. You'll save them and yourself time and trouble by happily telling about your poly beliefs at the first reasonable opportunity. I like her idea of "So, are you dating anyone?" And, tell exactly what "poly" means to you, because interpretations and assumptions differ widely. The right person will be enthused or at least accepting. Many won't be, unless you have the sense to be dating in a poly-friendly pool to begin with, and the sooner you both find out the less time and energy you both waste.

When dating online, this filter belongs smack up front.

I've never heard a good reason to delay informing a potential new partner unless it's clearly just a one-night stand kind of thing. Name one! If you hope to bedazzle a possibly mono person and "convert" them after they're hooked, you're not just a dick, you're a fool.

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Mother's Day poly manifesto: "It takes a child to raise a village."

Strong Families

Speaking of poly women webcomic artists with kids (my last post)... Anna Hirsch, who draws The New PolyAnna, posts this article to the Strong Families Project¹ for today's theme of Mother's Day:

It Takes a Child to Raise a Village

By Anna Hirsch

Anna with her friend's oldest child.

My Mama's Day story begins in a place that is unfamiliar to many: polyamory. If you don't know that word, that's probably because you've never known any way to have a romantic relationship other than with one other person, or with one person at a time. That's the way most people do relationships, and it may be the only way you've ever learned relationships can be. But the truth is that you have always had the power to choose how your relationships work. I didn’t know growing up that one day I would be married and have a boyfriend. But here I am with two loving and committed relationships. Plus, my husband and my boyfriend are friends.

...And it has transformed how I love myself and how I treat others in almost every way, including how I understand family and build community.

A year and a half ago, I leaned into my sister's cheek while she clutched my hand. Instead of telling her to breathe, I just breathed deeply myself, letting her hear my love in every calm inhale and every strong exhale. I couldn't do what she was doing. And neither I nor my sister could do what that little baby inside her was doing. But all of us somehow were working together to reveal the mystery of life.

I am so grateful for that first birth experience, watching my sister become a mama. Yet some of my dearest polyamorous friends are still surprised to hear me say that. You see, this woman is not my biological sister. She is my friend and someone whose camaraderie I have cherished. She is also one of my husband’s sweethearts.

After a year spent preparing for the birth of an adorable, smart, incredibly delightful baby, we adopted each other as sisters. We also adopted each other as sisters because we had decided — like many of my closest friends — that love is thicker than blood, and that love is abundant. It was love that gave me the courage to ask my friend to be her birthing companion. We were a team, in fact, with both of the potential fathers pitching in as well.

No, it was not the pregnancy that my husband and I had been hoping or planning for....

Read on (May 10, 2013).

Anna Hirsch, awesomeness whisperer, is an activist, artist, counselor, and runner who lives and loves in Oakland, CA, and invites you to visit her blog www.newpolyanna.com to learn more about polyamory, and to check out her portfolio at www.activisteditor.com to learn about hiring her for your editing/writing needs.

This blog post is part of the Strong Families Mama’s Day Our Way celebration. You can read more posts in the series on the Strong Families blog. Strong Families is a national initiative led by Forward Together. Our goal is to change the way people think, act and talk about families.

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1. "Strong Families is a home for the 4 out of 5 people living in the US who do not live behind the picket fence — whose lives fall outside outdated notions of family, with a mom at home and a dad at work. While that life has never been the reality for most of our families, too many of the policies that affect us are based on this fantasy. From a lack of affordable childcare and afterschool programs, to immigration policy and marriage equality, the way we make policy and allocate resources needs to catch up to the way we live.

"We see the trend of families defining themselves beyond the picket fence — across generation, race, gender, immigration status, and sexuality — as a powerful and promising development for the US, and we want to help policy makers catch up.

"Our vision is that every family have the rights, recognition and resources it needs to thrive. We are engaging hundreds of organizations and thousands of individuals in our work to get there."

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Kimchi Cuddles: new poly comic

Kimchi Cuddles is a heartwarming new poly webcomic, just a couple weeks old. Artist Tikva has been doing two of them a day to build an archive fast. Examples:

She explains,

Most of the comics are based on my own experiences, but many are based on the experiences of friends of mine or from submissions from fans. See the “characters” section for bios of each main character.

My main goal for making this comic is to spread awareness about ethical nonmonogamy in a way that is hilarious. If you like what you see, check back often because I post 2 new comics a day! You can also follow me on Facebook for comics updates and interesting posts on similar subjects.

...None of the main characters are based one just one person. Most of them are a jumbled mix of people I’ve had romances with who have similar personalities to each other. Their appearances are also the result of me creepily Frankenstein-ing various lovers of mine together.

That doesn't count toddler Pumpkin, who's just one kid: "She’s that cute in real life too."

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Lots more comics! For ages now I've been occasionally updating my collection of poly webcomics. What ones have I missed? Please add them to the comments.

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"In our progressive, forward-thinking college town it’s becoming almost a faux pas to be monogamous"

Valley Advocate (Western MA)

Ages ago in a previous century I worked at the Valley Advocate, the alternative news and arts weekly of the college-rich Amherst-Northampton "Happy Valley" area in western Massachusetts. The Advocate is still going. This week a columnist reminds today's poly-trending college generation why monogamy can actually be a fine choice too, so don't worry about being out of step with the crowd if that is what's right for you.

Dear readers in college towns, is this an exaggeration? (I'm assuming yes.)

It’s OK To Go Monogo

By Yana Tallon-Hicks

I’m a huge fan of “open” or “non-monogamous” relationships — when two or more people consensually agree not to be sexually and/or emotionally exclusive. Sometimes this looks like a couple being open to sleeping with others but maintaining their relationship as “primary,” and sometimes it looks like someone maintaining multiple relationships simultaneously (called polyamory).

Many have written compellingly about why humans are better suited to be non-monogamous and how to do it ethically (see Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan). Non-monogamy can be challenging, rewarding and fun when done correctly.

In past columns I’ve written about how successful open relationships require honesty, complex boundary-establishing and a lot of scheduling and emotional processing. While cheating in a monogamous relationship may look like one member of the couple having sex with an outsider, cheating in an open relationship might look more like one member of a couple violating a relationship agreement (such as having unprotected sex with a non-primary partner). Despite assumptions, non-monogamy is more talk than sex.

But this isn’t a column about non-monogamy, it’s about monogamy.... In our progressive, forward-thinking college town it’s becoming almost a faux pas to be monogamous, especially if you’re under 30 and not heterosexual. Polyamory’s the new trend.

But monogamy isn’t that bad, is it?

No one gets castrated. Jealousy crops up in every relationship, but it’s a larger, more persistent beast within open relationships. Constantly processing your own value to your partner while she is out on dates with others can be emotionally draining.... Some can only manage their jealously by being monogamous. And if you know that about yourself, congratulations. Lock it down.

You get more focused free time.... Imagine how much yoga, gardening and sleep you could catch up on by having just the one partner....

It’s cost-effective. ...Having a weekly date night with three partners is downright pricey....

You take fewer trips to the clinic. I don’t believe that monogamous sex is inherently safer sex or that open relationships are “dirtier.” However, having one partner means there are fewer variables to consider in the safer-sex aspect of your life....

Instead of being up on our “evolved” non-monogamous hipster high horses, perhaps we need to look at both open and closed relationships as valid choices. There’s a difference between “de facto monogamy” and “chosen monogamy.” De facto monogamy happens because “it’s just the way things go”.... De facto monogamy doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of non-monogamy. It was built on social constructs and is supported by laws involving tax breaks and idiots fighting against gay marriage....

Alternatively, those who consciously choose monogamy have considered all of their options. They might... just prefer being exclusive with their one and only honey. And they’re probably well rested....

Read the whole article (May 7, 2013).

She gets the "de facto" vs. "chosen" monogamy bit right. I'm proud to have had a hand in how both Loving More and the Polyamory Leadership Network, the two main polyactivist groups, decided to make "relationship choice" central to each of their mission statements. "Relationship choice" means that everyone should have the ability — and the knowledge — to choose their preferred relationship style consciously and deliberately, whichever it may be.

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Australian poly pioneers profiled

Time Out Melbourne

Early pioneers of Australia's poly movement — dating way back to the 1990s — tell their story in their city's monthly arts & entertainment magazine:

Free Love: The Age of Polyamory

Not everyone subscribes to a monogamous society. Time Out meets some Melburnians who keep things free and easy.



By Merran Reed

“Yeah. But don’t you get jealous?” is a question Anne Hunter, a polyamory educator, has been asked countless times. She’s been in concurrent loving relationships for over 20 years and is the co-founder of PolyVic [www.polyvic.org.au/], an organisation that runs monthly discussion groups and social events for poly-folk.

Her long-term partner, Pete, has been with his girlfriend for 13 years. Anne’s lover of seven years lives in Sydney with his partner. And then those Sydney-siders have sweethearts that they date as well. And on it goes.

It was actually Pete that struggled with jealousy at the start. Anne, 50, recalls, “It really took him taking responsibility for those emotions and doing things to desensitise himself for us to move forward. At the same time, I had to learn to be more compassionate and to negotiate around what he wanted to hear and what he didn’t want to hear. I wasn’t good at that at the start.”

Anne’s identified as non-monogamous since the '90s. But back then they didn’t have a name for it. That was until the day Pete came home after having coffee with Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, a senior lecturer in Social Diversity and Health at Deakin University, who suggested that they could be polyamorous....

Pete declared to Anne upon getting home, "There’s a word for us!" They looked it up on the internet and discovered there were people all over the world practicing polyamory.

A couple of years later, Anne and Pete, who live in Brunswick West together, ran a workshop on polyamory at an alternative lifestyle festival. That was when they met other poly-folk, “I felt like I’d come home,” Anne says. After that, they started PolyVic.

Anne asserts that polyamory isn’t for everyone. “You’ve got to really enjoy relating to people and spending time with them. You’re going to get confronted with a lot of your insecurities whether you like it or not. So if you’re not looking for personal growth, don’t bother.”

Having multiple relationships challenges what Hollyweird movie endings have instilled in us, rejecting the idea that one person can make you complete. “That’s what I love,” Anne exclaims. “You’re free to enjoy what is organically real about the relationship. You don’t have to make it anything else.”...

Read on (April 24, 2013).

Anne, Pete, and others were recently on Australian national TV. Getting in the media one place will often get you invitations elsewhere.

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"Bigger Love: Polyamory in Halifax"

The Coast

The capital of the Canadian Maritimes, with a large student population, gets a well-researched, 4,300-word feature on local polyfolks in its alternative newspaper (mission: "to cover Halifax better than any other media organization on the planet").

Bigger love: Polyamory in Halifax

More partners means a lot more emotional work, and not necessarily more sex.

"The rules are simple: Don’t have sex with someone for the first
time before hanging out with me and telling me about them,
and don’t sleep over without letting me know." Art by Justin Lee

By Katie Toth

Amy sits with a styrofoam box of potato skins, legs crossed in front of her. "I'm mopey," she explains in between nibbles. She has recently been dumped.

Fortunately, she's got a pretty amazing boyfriend to help her get through it.

Robert is "a peculiar animal," she says happily. "He rubs my back when I'm sad." Amy and Robert won't be using their real names for this profile: the couple is open about its status with many people, but not quite ready to be out as polyamorous in print.

...It started when Amy was chatting with a friend who had become poly with her own boyfriend. At first, Amy said, she thought it was an awful idea. "I'm a pretty jealous person," she says. But that night after a few drinks, Amy came home to Robert. "You know, Drunk Amy," she jokes. "I was like, we should try being polyamorous!"

Polyamory is the state of having romantic relationships with more than one other person at the same time. Polyamorous people are quick to distinguish themselves from swingers or couples in open relationships — situations where usually, members of a monogamous couple have casual sex with other people. And they're not cheating on their partners — these relationships lack the secrecy of an affair. Rather, polyamorous people develop full romantic relationships with more than one person, and prioritize honesty with all parties.

When Amy sobered up the next morning, the two of them still thought it was a good idea. They got a copy of Opening Up — canon reading for people new to polyamory — and jumped right in, starting with small steps. First they made out with different people at parties. Then they started dating other people, but they'd check in nearly constantly with each other, requesting permission to send the next text message, go on the next date or have the next hookup.

Eventually that got tedious — and they got more comfortable with the dating-other-people thing anyway. So now they only have two rules: "Don't have sex with someone for the first time before hanging out with me and telling me about them, and don't sleep over without letting me know."

The hard part about being poly, Amy says, isn't her boyfriend — it's the way her friends react. Some of Amy's friends won't stop worrying about her. "They'll ask, 'Whose idea was that?'" she says. "They immediately assume that Robert has pressured me...because he wants to fuck other girls."

But that doesn't mean they have any intention of stopping. Amy says the shift in their relationship has allowed them to be more honest and have more fun with each other. When the two were monogamous, she remembers, they didn't even talk about other people who they found attractive. Now she feels like Robert is an even closer friend. After his first date with someone else, she remembers, "I was super excited." When he came home that night to tell her about his evening, "it was like, girl talk!"

It's only been six months, but Amy says the experience has forced her to confront her own jealousy and insecurity: "It's been liberating and terrifying at the same time."

Amy and Robert aren't alone. While official numbers on polyamorous people are hard to come by, it's a movement with growing visibility in once-conservative Nova Scotia. The Halifax Polyamory facebook group has over 60 people, and regular potlucks happen in the city for polyamorous people to meet each other. And on Sunday, April 14, Venus Envy held a seminar on lessons in non-monogamy — a discussion not just for the newbies, but geared towards people who've been non-monogamous for a while....

Myriam & Alex: An S/M Poly Interaction

Myriam is at work, but her computer is all play. She's pulling up her boyfriend's Google calendar. Upping the ante of their S&M dynamic, Alex has asked her to start organizing Alex's schedule.

Myriam is Alex's top. She tells Alex what to do, and they like it that way.

But when she opens the calendar, she sees a night marked off — "busy." Myriam may be in control, but that's not going to stop her sub from saving that day for someone else.

Myriam sees red, but she can't quite point to her emotion. Is she jealous? She shouldn't be. After all, isn't this is what they agreed upon?...

Read on (and on) (April 2, 2013).

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Authorized "Ethical Slut" comedy webseries is planned

Yes, plans are afoot for a comedy webseries based on the open-relationship classic The Ethical Slut. And yes, authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy have authorized the project. They are working with award-winning web-show producer Ben Fritz of Los Angeles and support the vision he has expressed to them for it.

"The first season will be 12 episodes, each about 10 minutes long," says a publicity post. It's to be filmed this summer in Madison, Wisconsin. Fritz and co-producer Mike Murray have opened an office in Madison and are recruiting cast. They have also reached out to the poly community "so at the very least we could get some ideas and insight into some things this community would like to see portrayed."

How much of this happens, and when, may depend on their kickstarter campaign. As of May 1st it was a little more than halfway to its $30,000 goal with little time left. [Update May 9th: They made the goal, barely, with help from publicity in Madison newspapers in the final few days. It looked to me like some big donor was pledging and de-pledging to adjust the fundraising drama toward the goal.] The Kickstarter link includes this video:




An article about the project has appeared in Oakland Local in California:

Sex-positive classic written in Oakland to be made into web show

By Airial Clark

You may not know this, but one of the world’s most popular books on consensual non-monogamy, "The Ethical Slut," has it roots in Oakland.

The expanded 2nd edition, 2009

...How do the authors feels about their book being adapted into a web-series?

Janet Hardy said: "Well, we like Ben very much — the three of us spent a weekend together, hiking and talking and making sure we were on the same page, and we both felt confident that his approach was one we could live with. And I think a web series has the potential to reach audiences that might never pick up a polyamory book."

Dossie agrees, saying, "This seems to me like a nifty way to bring our lifestyle and our ideas to the public in a lighthearted and fun way. I'm hoping the representations of poly people will give an at least sort of realistic view of who we are and that people can identify even if they don't choose our lifestyle."

Any adaption comes with the risk of the original work being lost in translation, so I asked the authors if they were worried. According to Janet their biggest concern is that the series will find the right balance between humor/sexiness and respect for the material: “We don't want our material presented as a f--kfest and neither do we want it turned into slapstick. We also don't want our book, or poly in general, presented as hetero-centrist, which has been a problem in many mainstream depictions of poly. We wouldn't have signed with Ben if we hadn't felt comfortable with his ability to walk that line.”

I checked in with Fritz to see if he has the same goals for the web-series.

“I am excited to explore all sexualities," he said. "The main characters will be Queer and everything in between.”

He also mentioned another text written by Janet Hardy, her new memoir, "Girl Fag: A Life Told in Sex and Musicals," as another source of material for the show.

“This story is a journey, an arc, of how some regular old Middle-Americans rediscover joy and the wonders of self-knowledge,” Fritz said.

...Ben advised me that he choose to set the series in Middle-America because he “didn't want the story to be dismissed as one of the crazy things those Californians do, as California is already associated with fringe societies. Setting it in a more traditional Mid-America environment gives opportunity to create drama as this new progressive way of relating meets up with traditional views.”

The show is early in production with casting decisions still being made.... Both Easton and Hardy expressed their hope for the project to find adequate funding to be produced the way it should be.

Here's the original article (April 26, 2013).

A publicist for the project posted this on reddit/r/polyamory:

Hi all,

My good friend Ben has obtained the rights to the world famous Polyamory guidebook "The Ethical Slut"! He has won awards for his previous web-series "Cynthia Watros gets lost" and now plans on making a web-series based on the guidebook filmed in Madison, WI. this summer. The first season will be 12 episodes each about 10 minutes long. Ben has tasked me with reaching out to the polyamory communities so at the very least we could get some ideas and insight into some things this community would like to see portrayed in the Web-series based on the book "The Ethical Slut".

We have also started a kickstarter campaign to raise some money to pay for good talent, and other cost associated with filming.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1140659809/ethical-slut?ref=city

There are some really cool rewards, especially to anyone that has a close connection with this book and most of them are really affordable. For instance you can become an on-screen extra to playing a role in the series yourself. There is even a level to receive recognition as an Executive Producer!

Like I said, If you can't join the kickstarter campaign, at the very least we would really appreciate if this community could give some input or ideas you think are worth exploring in the series, I would love to hear them as well! I'm sure "The Ethical Slut" has a lot of significant meaning or has helped some of you along the way in your quest for successful Polyamorous living. Nows your chance to help it continue to stay in the spotlight and to help others!

Thank you and I hope to hear back from some of you.

Immediately one or two commenters kicked up a controversy about whether the book is sex-and-swinging oriented rather than poly, and whether a webseries based on it would be a shallow letdown. Fritz replied,

Hi, thanks for taking some time to check out the project. I've never heard any-one call me slick, and I've never been to film school. What I love about this journey is it's so much more than sex. Yes, sex fills the seats, it perks up our ears; but this story is ultimately about growth and self-knowledge, and yes, unconditional love. I have no interest in exploiting this story, and I spent time with the authors to talk about how best to honor it and still entertain. In a best case scenario I hope concepts shared can help people heal and grow their own relationships, whatever they may be. We plan on representing all sexualities.

Yesterday Fritz posted an update:

We are half way to our goal of $30,000! As the money comes in, everything is aligning for an awesome community project. We just opened our production office in downtown Madison, right across from the capital! We've started auditions and crew interviews, and boy, there is so much talent here in Madison alone. Please help spread the word, we will be doing a big push over the next few weeks.

Here's the whole reddit thread.

P. S. You may remember earlier plans by Moses Ma in 2007 to make an Ethical Slut movie based on the book. Nothing came of that.

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“ ‘Oh my God — you’re swingers’: 12 surprise TV encounters with the polyamorous”

A.V. Club

This goes under the category "misuses of the word." The 12 TV episodes listed here are about swinging and other pop-culture nonmonogamy drama/comedy, not polyamory (multiple loving relationships with knowledge and consent all around), despite the headline. I'm posting about this because it's liable to pop up in searches.

The A.V. Club is a TV and pop-culture site owned by The Onion. Each week it runs a list of items in a topical category like this, with descriptions. The descriptions are pretty thorough, for real TV fans. Listed below are just the 12 titles.

P.S.: The first mainstream TV drama with a storyline about an actual poly group, as far as I know, was ABC's "Private Practice" episode for Jan. 5, 2012, "Are You My Mother?" (Episode 5.10). See my writeup.

“Oh my God — you’re swingers”: 12 surprise TV encounters with the polyamorous

1. Bob’s Burgers, “It Snakes A Village” (2013)...
2. Party Down, “Nick DiCintio’s Orgy Night” (2010)...
3. The O.C., “The Countdown” (2003)...
4. Justified, “Money Trap” (2013)...
5-6. Life On Mars (U.K.), “Series 2, Episode 4” (2007) / Life On Mars (U.S.), “Coffee, Tea, Or Annie” (2009)...
7. All In The Family, “The Bunkers And The Swingers” (1972)...
8. Mad Men, “To Have And To Hold” (2013)...
9. That ’70s Show, “The Good Son” (1999)...
10. Louie, “New Jersey/Airport” (2011)...
11. Portlandia, “Motorcycle” (2012)...
12. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, “Mac And Charlie Die (Part 1)” (2008)...

Read the whole article, with the episode descriptions (April 29, 2013).

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"The Perks of Polyamory": a free-agent feminist tells of her grand life

London Evening Standard (UK)

So far I've posted more items in April (18) than in any month since I began Polyamory in the News in 2005. Recently I speechified to Atlanta Poly Weekend that as poly awareness grows and its borders widen, the borders are coming in contact with ever more people, so more and more interesting things will be happening.

For instance: The ancient and once venerable London Evening Standard (now a freebie giveaway owned by a former KGB agent) gave space in its magazine section ES magazine to a poly feminist for a 1,500-word, first-person feature article about her life.

The perks of polyamory

How many partners do you have? Just one? How boring. Polyamory — loving multiple people — is a growing moment with its own set of rules. Zoe Stavri charts her journey from romantic exclusivity to five-in-a-bed romps.

I’ve found that my capacity to love is limited only by the amount of time I have — and the size of my bed

By Zoe Stavri

The alarm goes off and I don’t want to get out of bed, but it’s a work day so I have to. My lover to my left grumbles sleepily in protest. The one to my right shifts slightly. Reluctantly, I disentangle myself from the bundle of limbs and drag myself out of bed. As I leave, I kiss both of them goodbye. ‘See you very soon?’ I ask. Both nod enthusiastically.

After work, where I campaign for an NGO, I have a date with a regular companion. I tell her all about the night before, that glorious tangle of limbs, and she grins with approval. ‘Not too tired, I hope?’ she asks. I answer honestly that I’m not in the least too tired to give her my full attention tonight.

If you’d asked me five years ago if I thought my life would end up this way, I would have laughed. But things have changed, and now there is a word for the things I once fantasised about: polyamory.

Polyamory — or poly, as most of us end up calling it — is the recognition that it is entirely possible to love, fancy, and form meaningful relationships with more than one person at a time. There are a lot of different forms that poly relationships can take: some of us have a regular partner and also see other people; some of us live in three-, four- or more-way relationships; some live in big tribes of partners and friends. The possibilities are endless.

I’d fantasised about polyamory ever since I was a child. I wanted lots of husbands and wives and things. But it was only four years ago, when I was 24, and reading about it on a feminist blog, that I realised this was an actual thing....

As I got more involved in radical and feminist politics, I met — and dated — more poly people, although the community is far more diverse than the little corner I occupy. I think I’m reaching saturation point with poly women on the dating site I use, as everybody I am a high match with turns out to be someone I already know socially. We hold conferences and events, we talk to each other on Twitter, and there’s even poly speed-dating. Outside major cities, the scene is smaller, but I don’t doubt that there are poly people everywhere.

...By following a few basic guidelines, I’ve found that my capacity to love is limited only by the amount of time I have — and the size of my bed. Obviously, the key to making any relationship work is good communication. When relationships are in the plural, communication is just as crucial, if not more so. As a child, my favourite book was a lovely story called Six Dinner Sid. It told of a cat called Sid who lived on a street where nobody spoke to each other and everybody thought they owned Sid, so he was fed six times a day. When all six of Sid’s owners found out about each other, they started limiting Sid’s food, which made him sad, so he left. Eventually, he found a new street, where everyone talked to each other, and they were all cool with Sid’s culinary preferences.

This is basically how poly communication works. It involves everyone being as honest and upfront as possible about what it is they want, so as to ensure everyone is on the same page and can address any problems that might come up.... Sometimes conversations can be gruelling and difficult, and it can be hard to find words to say, or even work out what it is that you want. Sometimes I need to force myself to say, ‘Hey, this isn’t OK’.... I know that it is just as important to be honest about the bad as about the good, and I know that being honest is the only route to me fulfilling my needs — intimacy, passion and liberty — and being sensitive to my partners’ needs is the only way I can do this....

Read the whole article (April 26, 2013). Zoe Stavri also blogs as Another Angry Woman.

She writes us about her experience with the newspaper:

Hi Alan! On the whole, I found the experience quite positive, although it was interesting to see how little some people know about poly life; both in the editing process and the reception, I've had lots of questions. I'm glad, because I really want poly folk to be more visible! My one minor quibble is the picture the ES used. Felt cliched, and it annoyed me that all of the feet in the picture were white!"

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