Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

September 1, 2013

"The Hell of Monogamy — A Polyamorist Perspective"

Interesting new poly movers and shakers keep popping up. Writer Louisa Leontiades, aka Louloria, grew up in England and lives in Sweden. That's her at right with her husband and kids. She runs the growing online magazine MultipleMatch.com. Its slogan: "You can change our future relationship paradigm." It includes a fledgling free poly dating site.

She has also published a book: The Husband Swap, a tumultuous, passionate autobio. The cover art is adapted from her photo. Blurb:

An extraordinary memoir from an ordinary woman who challenges the monogamous mindset of her society to pursue a utopia of limitless love. Louisa and Gilles love each other but their marriage is going nowhere. Until a night of passion and betrayal forces them both to examine what they really want out of their lives and themselves. It's adultery, but not as we know it. Can they save their marriage by opening it?

As a promotion this weekend (through September 2), she's offering the book free as a Kindle download. It's also available in paperback. Here's the book's website with an excerpt. Here's her author blog.

A few days ago she published this provocatively titled piece at Huffington Post U.K.:

The Hell of Monogamy — A Polyamorist Perspective

In a society which hates and suppresses sex in all but the most rigidly controlled circumstances, many would-be-polyamorists go through a terrible process of trying to meet others' expectations. They are unaware that it is their nature to love more than one simultaneously and that this an acceptable choice to make; for in the world's (and usually their own) eyes, they are already sinners. In trying to fit their round polyamorous selves into a monogamous square hole, they will ultimately fail and repeat a pattern of guilt and self loathing which contributes further to lower their self esteem. Their obvious failures and misery are compounded by the disgust of their peers, parents and often even their friends.

I know, because it happened to me. And it was hell.

Raised in the christian ideal where the highest pinnacle of womanhood is as an immaculate virgin, I knew that my nature and inclination was spurned as dirty, disgusting and whorish even before I acted upon it. Of course, at first no one did know of it but me, but my more 'loving' tendencies revealed themselves early on. And in an effort to precipitate the inevitable rejection from others, I took on more lovers than even I ever wanted, often despising myself for doing so and despairing that I would ever have a future with any man....

Then I fell madly in love and got married....

Read on (August 25, 2013). Here are her other Huffington Post articles. She's definitely one to watch.

Franklin Veaux just used the essay above to start off one of his own: Round Peg, Meet Square Hole.


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Anonymous Allie said...

The comments in the article seem to hit harder than usual, and I really think that's because it's an article about one person's perspective, rather than the couples' perspective that we usually see. That's not encouraging.

September 02, 2013 10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Allie, can you expand on your comment? I initially read "hit harder" as a compliment of sorts, i.e. 'hit closer to home' or something, but then saw you ended with "That's not encouraging." What's not encouraging? An individual viewpoint? How is one person's personal, unique story discouraging? Are you saying it's more "authentic" for a poly story to come from a couple? What about those of us who aren't coupled?

I guess I see all people's experiences as personal and unique to each individual, whatever the subject (poly included); the idea that a couple can--or should--have a single, unified perspective is troubling to me. I thought the writer's experience was very encouraging, indeed, if for no other reason than her frank and heartfelt willingness to explore the possibilities outside of 'traditional' dyadic monogamy. But I really am interested in what you think, I just don't know what exactly you're talking about, so again: please, if you're inclined, expand on your thoughts. I'd love to understand them better.

One last thing: I'm a little confused by the idea that we "usually" see a couple's perspective... where? in articles? memoirs? Here on Poly in the News? Because (though I haven't done a survey, so I'm speaking only from my admittedly imperfect memory) that's never been my impression; I feel as if most of the articles I see here are written by individuals, not couples. Can you point to some examples of what it is that you're referencing? Thanks!

September 02, 2013 10:39 AM  
Anonymous Eric said...

I think that Allie just meant that the people commenting on the Huffington website were more divided on the subject than usual. On the negative side, some people are she just hasn't found "right one", others are yelling that she should just go into "sex rehab" for her condition (like Tiger Woods). There's even harsher words on the subject if you care to read them...

Unfortunately, this is slowly degenerating into a flame war with the people that are defending her lifestyle.

September 02, 2013 11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(same anon from above...):

oh dear... ... is it a valid excuse that I hadn't had coffee? Of course, the *comments* following the article, on the site, not the "comments" of the writer in the article. Duh. Yes. Now it all makes sense. (Please ignore my earlier idiotic tome)--and heartfelt apologies, Allie!

Ah, comments. Sigh. I try not to look, unless I know it's a site likely to have intelligent remarks (like this one!). Always blows my blood pressure... still cannot (in my old-fogey-curmudeonly way) understand the folks who are both stupid and have nothing better to do than remark on the lives of other people they don't know with nastiness and vitriol... but they're everywhere. Or maybe it's only six of them, all in a room somewhere. Either way, online comments are often best approached with a salt shaker & an assumption of pointlessness, in my experience.

Sorry they made you sad, Allie. And thanks for the warning...
(and sorry for my own jump of the gun, again... see? how I assume the worst about a comment? Bad me!)

Wish there was a way to make places like that article flame-retardant...

September 02, 2013 11:57 AM  

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