In Russian state-controlled media: "How polyamory is breaking the rules of love and sex" (Updated)

Russia Beyond's original logo. Rossiyskaya Gazeta is the
Russian government's official newspaper of record.
 

At first I thought Russia Beyond might be an independent or semi-underground outlet, considering the topic. But no, it's part of the same state-owned and -run conglomerate as Russia Today and many other Putin-controlled media. It's published in 14 languages to improve Russia's image in Eastern Europe and around the world.

So does this mean that discussion of polyamory is officially okay in Russia's current climate — unlike sympathetic gay reporting, which can get you criminal charges or a visit from state-approved thugs? And what is the Russian poly scene actually like? I'd love to hear an informed opinion.

From the English edition:

No more excuses: How polyamory is breaking the rules of love and sex

By Yekaterina Sinelschikova

Society is not ready to accept the polyamorous view on love: the right to have a relationship with multiple people, without the torment from pangs of guilt. Some people, however, think that society’s view on the issue will begin to change. Russia Beyond’s correspondents met with Muscovites who identify as polyamorous.

...It was a small, smoky room in a jazz bar in the center of Moscow: a basement without a sign, between a grocery store and a coffee shop. You can only get to it through the [closet] in the corridor of a tavern. Instead of coats and hangers, there was a passage inside. Six people were inside the room gathered around a table. It was tea time and a single domino was on the table.

“We're not expecting anyone else. The rest are tired after the orgy and will not be coming,” a man with a red beard and a pipe says on top of everyone’s laughter.

All of them are in relationships (or know that they could be in a relationship) with several partners, and each of the partners know about the existence of the others.

He calls himself Tur, like they called the primeval wild bull, which by the 17th century was entirely extinct. There are four other girls in the room, as well as Ian, a non-binary transgender, which means he doesn't consider himself a woman or a man. Everyone shares a single way of life, one philosophy, one modern view of love, which is unaccepted by most of society. All of them are in relationships (or know that they could be in a relationship) with several partners, and each of the partners know about the existence of the others.

"We are polyamorous. In a nutshell, it's ethical non-monogamy," Tur says. “But that’s only if you explain it in the simplest of terms.”

Once upon a time, 41-year-old Tur had a wife. ... Now he still owns the theater, but without his wife. He also builds and sells homes, advises and consults on real estate, builds historic ships like Drakkar or Ushkui, and takes them through northern routes. One of his girlfriends is sitting next to him with her head on his shoulder. She introduced herself as Fox. She wears a spacious t-shirt that does not fit, and on her thin hands she wears multi-colored trinkets made of of beads. She is 18 years old. ... Fox has two girlfriends, two boyfriends and Tur, who lives with her most of the time.

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This is Ian, a 21 year old designer. He has a rough voice, short, stiff hair on his head and a loose tank top that exposes thick black hair under his arms.

When his family didn't accept him as transgender, he ran away from home. He chose a new name for himself, which has the old Irish meaning of "God is gracious,” and the Hebrew meaning of “Gift of God” (“gift from God”). He has a boyfriend and so far he is in a relationship only with him. But that’s for now.

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In the turbulent 1990s, a common euphemism amongst students and nonconformists read as follows: "to do friendship," says Tur. You were friends with someone, and suddenly you wanted to have sex with them. But you did not stop being friends. You did not become a couple. You did not become husband and wife. And no one thought that was bad. It was accepted.

For 40 years Tur witnessed how this “acceptance” changed. And despite the fact that the polyamorous community is now keeping a low profile, and most don't want to show off, Tur thinks it's temporary.

"People are afraid or don’t want to notice that the norm is changing,” said Tur. “But some of them are brave enough to say it out loud."

Read the whole article. It's currently one of the six most popular on the site.

Other stories there push some edges a bit, such as a feature on Stalin airbrushing historical figures out of photographs, while others echo the clumsy foreign outreach of old Soviet days: "Why is Russia’s S-400 Triumph Air Defense System So Popular Abroad?" "Why do Russians use tractors on aircraft carriers?" (That's not a joke; a tractor is used in cleaning the deck.) "Inspired by Russia’s greatest commander, Suvorov shortbread cookies are a blast".


Update Oct. 22: Anton B. writes,

Hi from Russia!

The Russian poly-scene exists. Not very widely, but it became a lot stronger in last couple of years.

There have been many articles in Russian media, and some of them are good. Here is a list of some of articles (in Russian, but Google translate can give you an impression):

I'm glad that my husband has another romantic relationship. Interview with two trouples, 6 persons in all.

What is compersion?

It isn't about sex, it's about connection. Poly monologs, published on the official state day of "family and fidelity."

Territory of trust. Deep reflection of a famous Russian feminist.

From monogamy to polyamory: how to choose right relationships format

There are websites (not many), there are groups on social media (the largest I know has more than 7000 subscribers), there are chat rooms. There are meetups.

There is partial translation of Kimchi Cuddles (more than 500 strips).

There are published The Ethical Slut (translated from the first edition, sadly) and amateur translations of The Husband Swap and The Game Changer. You can call it piracy, but they really can't be published here in the proper way.

But the article you have linked... It's a sort of shit (official media, yes). I've heard that the person who wrote it promised to send text to interviewed persons, but didn't. And... a 40-year old man with (all those) 16-18 year old girls... you name it...

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Poly in Putin's Russia

I've done hardly any reporting lately on poly in foreign-language media. Google News Alerts hasn't been serving me poliamoria, polyamor, polyamour, polyamorie, полиамория, polyamourøse, polyamorösa, פוליאמוריה, wielomiłość, ljubavništvo, etc., and I know lots of material has slipped by.

From Russia, correspondent Anton now writes (somewhat edited):

Hi, Alan!

Five years ago, you posted about polyamory recognition in Russian media. In these years since, there have been many articles on Russian news sites and even in printed media, but they can be divided into these sorts:

* Positive translations of English articles (rare).

* Negative translations of English articles; with a preface about "Western debauchery", prefixing all words like "family" with "so called", and so on.

* Compilations without knowing the topic, with great errors (for example, in one article I've read that poly people don't tolerate homosexuality), hatred, and contempt.

But today I accidentally found an article in mainstream web media, not a translation and well written with understanding of the subject and with sympathy: Семьи на троих / Family of Three. It was posted a year ago, but after 5 years of silence that doesn't seem like a big gap.

The Google translation isn't perfect but seems understandable.

Excerpts:

Family of three

...Poliamoriya, in a broad sense, is a system of ethical views on love admitting the possibility of multiple love relationships with several people (or between several people) at the same time, with the consent of all parties to those relationships. [Compared to] polygamy in the traditional sense, modern polyamorous families differ in the equality of all participants, with relationship based not on tradition but on an agreement reached together.

...Polyamorous relationship can take many forms — some are a couple with other people, [in which] the couple remains primary. It can also happen that three or more people form a quite equal relationship.

Of course, a polyamorous relationship is not easy to build and maintain....

...I talked with two polyamorous families who have been living together. They shared with me their life stories and their understanding of family, love and loyalty.

Anna and Andrew are enrolled in graduate school; in addition Andrew has worked as a teacher in high school. Kate works as an editor, and Anya, who answered my questions, said of himself: "I'm such a house-husband, moonlighting doing freelance translations, but not regularly." All three of them are about 25....

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Sociologists Bashkirov and colleagues asked 2,000 Russians about their attitudes toward family formation. It was found that more than 30% of young people aged 25 to 35 considered marriage to be a social atavism. Following Europeans and our fellow Americans, they are starting to take advantage of new forms of the family. Marriage without children, seasonal marriage, polygamy and polyandry, serial polygamy — that's just a partial classification of the modern types of relationships between a man and a woman....

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...Victor is a middle manager in a real-estate office and a part-time one-man band. Olga is the lead lawyer of a construction company, and Alexander aka Jerry is a freelancer. All three are about 40, and they have two children.

"...Olga and I met five years ago on the Internet, in a historical-game forum.... the third time we got together we decided to go with friends on a tour of the castles of Belarus. And here we go. And somehow it came that were in the same bed.... Then, to this celebration of life joined Victor — it's just for all the participants seemed quite natural to meet together."

"Olga's mother and sister are aware of our relationships, but they pretend that they do not care....

"...That's the strange thing — we have encountered no [official] difficulties. When the prosecutor was needed for temporary registration in St. Petersburg, we went to the passport office and filled out an application, without question — who, what, and why. Child registered at the place of residence of the father. With this reference to him without question straightened health insurance, with which we go to the district hospital, and put on a waiting list in kindergarten.... 'My house is my fortress' and all that. We were quite comfortable ... but let's say we would not mind to register a triple marriage."...

Here's the whole (long) original article (13 August 2012).

Anton continues:

Some words about general picture of nonmonogamy in Russia: There is clericalization here [the Russian Orthodox Church collaborates with the authoritarian Putin government and vice versa –Ed.], but we exist and have some websites (http://www.mirdalubov.com/ for example), communities in social networks, and at least one offline meeting group — on http://vk.com/freelove_spb they write that there are up to 80 people at meetings.

With best regards and great thanks for your polyinthemedia work.

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This just in! New York goes wild for polyamory! (says Russian TV)

TV-Novosti (Moscow)

In my boyhood bedroom I had a shortwave radio that picked up, through the antenna I rigged in the treetops, the jolly-sounding lunacy about America that passed for news on Radio Moscow. I got a flashback to those Soviet broadcasts when I read the following news report from the "Russia Today" program on TV-Novosti. The exaggerations from grains of truth, the made-up facts, the same hearty tone of amazement ending with, of course, moral superiority and predictions of ruin, all with an undercurrent of envy.... Here's the whole thing (July 8, 2008):

Sex in the City: Big apple’s big temptation

In New York, traditional relationships are becoming less and less fashionable. Having several boyfriends or girlfriends is something of a lifestyle choice for many. However, critics say it just shows a lack of responsibility.

You don’t need to go far to see that New York is celebrating sexual freedom. Polyamory — literally meaning “multiple love” — or consensual non-monogamy — is becoming extremely popular here.

A growing number of people are enjoying more than one serious relationship, in which all sides involved agree to have two or more long-term partners.

Thousands of people came out onto the streets of New York to celebrate their choice, and it seems that the number of people who are happy to be open about their sexuality is only growing.

Diana is a polyamorous bisexual divorce lawyer and child custody attorney.

“I’ve decided in my life to focus on having relationships with just two people. I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend because I am bisexual — and that fulfills me much more than if I was in a monogamous relationship for the rest of my life with a man,” she says.

New York’s polyamorous society is one of the largest in the world. It is incredibly fast-growing. The number of people who consider themselves poly is already in the millions.

“In 2000 if you googled polyamory, there were 6,000 hits, and now if you google it, it’s about 3 million,” says Birgitta Philippides, New York’s polyamorous community leader.

Reid, a sex and relationships educator, says relationships are like music. He believes if everyone in the world was polyamorous the world would be a much happier place.

“It doesn’t matter so much if you play classical music, jazz or rock-n-roll. It’s that you’re getting to play the music that really makes you happy. There’d be less hate, less war. If you have five relationships, who has time to declare war on anyone?” he says.

However, psychologists say polyamory may initially seem like a great idea, but problems always arise sooner or later.

“There is usually a primary partner and then there are secondary and beyond. The rules are usually established with the primary partner, and as I said, they don’t usually last,” says psychologist Jonathan Alpert.

Moreover, freedom of sexuality also has the number of people who fall victim to STDs sky-rocketing.

Here's the text on the original site. Watch the TV report in English. (May require Internet Explorer or a Firefox plug-in.)

What's wrong here? The video footage is actually of New York's enormous Pride Parade, with campy gays hamming for the camera. The poly group in the parade numbered a dozen or two, not "thousands." (In fact New York City may have fewer self-identified polys than it has West African immigrants secretly practicing traditional polygamy.) "Extremely popular"? We can only wish. "The number of people who consider themselves poly is already in the millions"? Pulled from thin air; no one knows this number despite many attempts to estimate it. (My own best guess is somewhat over 100,000 in the U.S. as of 2008.)

Some STDs are indeed "sky-rocketing." But the report failed to mention that the self-identified poly community polices itself pretty vigorously about safer-sex practices, and about getting tested regularly, at least in my experience. Open communication — and gossip! — in a sexually active group creates real social pressure for safety-conscious behavior.

The quotes from Diana and Birgitte do sound like them, but I wouldn't trust the whole-world-should-be-poly bit attributed to Reid. In my hearing, Reid has always said poly is right for some people and monogamy is right for others. Perhaps he said openness to poly should be universal, and the distinction got dropped for convenience, but what's he gonna do, sue the Russian government?

It is the government talking, or it might as well be, even though TV-Novosti is officially an "Autonomous Nonprofit Organization." The Russian government under Vladimir Putin (and his designated successor Dmitry Medvedev) has been re-Sovietizing all Russian media and silencing the reporters it can't buy off — sometimes with bullets, poison, and fake suicides, say critics.

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Still, Russia has some large if embattled alternative communities. What's going on poly-wise?

If you go to Google Preferences, set your Interface Language to Russian, and search for the word полиамория ("polyamoria") — and also for the less common forms полиамории ("polyamoryy") and полиамурность ("polyamurnost") — you'll get somewhat more than 1,000 hits. Including the ru_poly LiveJournal community and a translation of some of Franklin Veaux's much-referenced pages. But search for the words in the Russian news ("Новости"), and you get nothing.

Can someone who knows the Russian poly scene give a report?

P.S.: To reset your Google Interface Language back to English: go to the Google homepage, choose "Настройки" (Preferences) in the tiny type to the right of the search box, choose "английском" (In English) from the drop-down list at top, and hit the "Сохранить настройки" (Save Preferences) button at top right.

If you don't read по-русски, you can still take a whack at it with Google Language Tools. Ain't technology wonderful?