Poly & Christian -- a huge and diverse field

My last post ("Polyamory, The Next Sexual Frontier" – in Christianity Today?!) was about a prominent evangelical pastor urging his fellows, in America's leading evangelical magazine, to understand and respect their poly congregants who are in group relationships.

Teespring

So we've gone from being the swamp monsters waiting at the bottom of the gay-marriage Slippery Slope to being decent people to be heard, understood, and treated well, even if we're not properly "biblical"? That was quick.

Of course the article stood out because it was unusual. But Christianity is a vast and varied thing, even within evangelicalism. (And no, I'm not a Christian myself.^[1] )

Here's my promised data dump of about 20 more items that I've been saving up for a "Poly and Christian" post. That's so many that I'll be brief about most of them.

● This was prompted by the person who posted on reddit/r/polyamory last month, "Recently came out to some fellow Christian friends and had an interaction that was fine, but a little discouraging. ... Are there any other Christian Poly people out there? What helps you? What encourages you? What is your perspective? I’m dying to know." Several folks chimed in.

● In Splinter News ("The Truth Hurts"), a progressive millennial online magazine: Even Christians Are Rethinking Monogamy (Aug. 23, 2017).

Soul Searching is our series about how the most secular generation in history is changing the face of religion.

Jim Cooke/GMG

By Jennifer C. Martin

I sat quietly in the wooden pew, discreetly toward the back. I try to attend church every week: It’s important to me to support small, progressive churches near my home in Virginia and to feed my spirituality. To my right sat my husband of nine years and our two children. To my left sat my atheist boyfriend, looking deeply uncomfortable. I looked around and thought: Even at my liberal, female-pastored parish, a part of the United Church of Christ, the first denomination to openly welcome LGBTQ members and clergy, am I the only polyamorous person here?

A few weeks prior, I had been sitting on the grass in a park with people in their twenties and early thirties at a polyamorous support group. One by one they told their stories. ... They seemed so much more worldly than me, with their fetish clubs, their devotion to the classic polyamory guidebook The Ethical Slut, their accepting families, and their open lifestyles. I looked around and wondered, Am I the only Christian here?

...But I’ve learned that I’m far from the only one. We tend to have gotten married young, felt trapped by the conservative bounds of purity culture, and wanted to explore the sexuality we never really got a chance to have. But it can be daunting to leap from the repressed Christianity we were raised with to the sexually open world of non-monogamy. ...

I found one of my first polyamorous Christian friends almost by accident. ... I’ll call her Sabrina, and she is 29 years old, like me. I’ve known her for about a decade. We grew up right outside of Chattanooga, with conservative, white, Southern values. We are both Christians raised in a Christian home. And, also like me, she married someone she’d been with from a young age.

About a year ago, I saw her secondary Facebook profile pop up in my “suggested friends” list, and out of curiosity, I clicked on the profile. It was full of photos of her and some guy in Europe. It wasn’t her husband. Desperate to connect with someone who might be like me, I messaged her and asked, “Are you polyamorous? Because I am, too.” It turns out she was, and had been for awhile....

● An important stop for anyone involved in such questions is the Incarnation Institute for Sex and Faith, founded and run by Rev. Beverly Dale, the crackerjack "Rev. Bev" — for 21 years campus minister and de facto sex educator for tens of thousands of students at the University of Pennsylvania. From the Incarnation Institute's front page:

VISION:
People will love their sexual bodies and those of others as God does.

MISSION:
To teach an inclusive, science-friendly, sex-positive Christianity.

BELIEFS:
Sexual Diversity is a natural trait to be celebrated.
Sexual Pleasure is a sacred gift to be treasured.
Sexual Freedom is a human right to be personally discerned & morally exercised.

● By Fr. Shannon Kearns on the Queer Theology site: What I’ve Learned From My Polyamorous Friends (undated).

I am not polyamorous ... the thought makes me feel exhausted. So when Brian proposed creating some resources for polyamorous Christians my first thought was “Sure. Won’t be much help to me, but go for it.” But as I’ve been privy to the resources he’s been creating and watched the conversation happen I realized something....

The Brian in question, also on Queer Theology, has posted a collection of resources, Polyamory and Christianity:

We’re developing resources, courses, coaching, and community to support Christians who are in open or polyamorous relationships — or who are interested in exploring them.

● The up-and-coming young evangelical minister Brandan Robertson, speaker and author on the religious left who identifies as bi and queer, kicked up a huge stir in 2018 when he declared to his congregation,

"For those who are in an open or polyamorous relationship here this morning who might be squirming, because this is an uncomfortable question to hear in church sometimes — I want you to hear me loud and clear as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Your relationships are holy. They are beautiful and they are welcomed and celebrated in this space."

Here's a critical article with background on Robertson and the story: Polyamory “Holy” “Beautiful” says Progressive Christian Minister (on the site of the Institute on Religion and Democracy, in Washington DC, founded "for Christian orthodoxy").


● In their excellent, long-running Multiamory podcast, Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack devoted their Episode 176 to Christianity and Polyamory (June 19, 2018). They interviewed Rev. Austin Adkinson and theologian J.D. Mechelke for an hour-and-nine-minutes show. You can watch or listen here:



Too long? Skim the transcript.

Just yesterday (Oct. 15, 2019) the Multiamory crew put up Episode 242, Queer Theology with Brian G. Murphy of QueerTheology.com. "Brian G. Murphy is an activist, educator, certified relationship coach, and was raised as an evangelical Christian. Now he practices faith-based activism and social justice work, co-founding Legalize Trans, creating QueerTheology.com in partnership with Father Shannon Kearns, and speaking at countless colleges and conferences, and even [— insert blare of trumpets here —] teaching a course on the intersection of polyamory and Christianity."

The Multiamory podcasters themselves say they are "a recovering evangelical, a former seminarian, and a born-and-raised atheist." Less known is their rambling, alcoholic podcast Drunk Bible Study. They're working through every word of the Bible from the beginning, line by line, doing a lubricated and irreverent exigesis. As of Episode 72 they're only up to Deuteronomy 8-10. At this rate they have another 350 episodes to go. Their poor livers.


● Back to Brian Murphy. Here's his famous YouTube video Jesus Is Polyamorous, New Testament based, which raised a huge uproar in evangelical Christianity in November 2018 (three minutes):



Update: And here's his followup YouTube on his adventures since then, Jesus Is Polyamorous: One Year Later (Nov. 13, 2019; six minutes).


● Patheos is a huge blogsite for all things religious and spiritual. One of its blogs is Chuck McKnight's The Hippie Heretic in the Progressive Christianity section. Among his many articles there:

     – It’s Time for the Church to Talk About Polyamory
     – Southern Baptist Preacher Affirms Polyamory (Interview with Rev. Dr. Jeff Hood)
     – Is God Polyamorous?

At the end of that last one are links to all 10 of his articles having to do with poly and Christianity.


● We can hardly skip Rev. Rachelle Brown. In Chicago's gay paper Windy City Times: MCC elder talks Cajun roots, faith and lesbian polyamorous relationship (Dec. 13, 2017). MCC is the Metropolitan Community Churches, founded in 1968 by and for gays when others would not have them.

...When [Rev. Elder Rachelle] Brown met married lesbian couple Michelle Jestes and Dama Elkins-Jestes about seven years ago, she found her soulmates in the two women. They embarked on a relationship together (which includes raising their child, Ayden) that they call "a couple of three," and currently reside in a Chicago suburb.

"As our family considered how to refer to each other, the language of polyamory is always forming, so we decided a 'couple of three' best described the closed nature of our covenant and commitments. We have all learned so much each year together. It is not simple to be out, or even engage in conversations with traditional couples. I learned recently that when I say 'family,' some assume we are blood relatives.

"Back in the early 2000s when I was coming out as a lesbian, I did not know anyone that would be considered polyamorous. It has been a journey—one that MCC allowed space for me to discover and live in. ..."

Brown was the interim moderator of the whole MCC denomination from 2016 to July 2019. Accordingly, The Advocate published a much longer, deeper profile of her and her situation: What Happens When a Pastor Goes Poly? (July 13, 2017)

MCC Elder Rachelle Brown and family

 
The church leadership hasn’t wavered in supporting Brown. “I’ve found incredible support in the MCC leadership,” she says. “All of the elders, everyone that I went to. ...”

But not all of her parishioners are happy to learn she’s involved in a throuple. “We lost a lot of friends,” Brown muses. “A lot of friends. The most pushback I get are from lesbians who are in a coupled or a married situation. In a couple instances, it’s either jealousy or fear. They’re either jealous because they want that for their relationship or they’re afraid that their spouse or partner will want that for their relationship.”

● A triad family finally found an accepting Christian church in Baltimore, as described in the UK's tabloid Daily Mail: Christian THROUPLE who are raising a child together speak out to defend the relationship - insisting it is NOT a sin, despite their families and their church saying it is 'an abomination to God' (Aug. 2, 2019).


● Newly begun, a podcast by The Polyamorous Priest. He is quite anonymous. Says Ken Haslam, who has listened to him, "I have to say that his message supporting polyamory and spirituality is right on target. His message is a good one."

● Of course there are Christian & Poly T-shirts. This one's from Teespring. I dunno, I think it would strike most people as a plain Christian thing (the Catholic sacred heart?) even if they knew the infinity heart in a poly context. Ditto the more subdued one at the top of this page.

● There's the Bible-Believing Polyamory Facebook group, "for all Bible believing Jewish and Christian people who also believe in Polyamory as a viable moral and even biblical way of life." It currently has 275 members.

● Article by a self-identified Christian on the (big, friendly, useful) Polyamory.com forum: Poly-friendly Churches (Sept. 25, 2017). He describes several denominations to check out.


● And finally — the first glimmer of my own poly beliefs came when I was a little boy. I had a blessedly kind, loving mom who held general Christian beliefs of a non-dogmatic sort. I must have been about 5 or 6 when a neighbor, whose wife had died and gone to Heaven, remarried. My mom told me how happy she was for him. But I wondered: When they all finally meet up in Heaven, which one will be the wife and which will be left cruelly, tragically abandoned? The only answer, little me concluded, was that they would all love each other together, because this was in Heaven.

It was some years before I discovered that not just angels, but we poor humans, can sometimes do so right here.

Blogger and author Page Turner tells how she traveled with a partner to her grandfather's Catholic funeral. The priest who officiated seemed to be thinking like little me, and Page wonders why the religious are scared to think the next logical thought.

A Polyamorous Heaven: Funerals Don’t Come With Trigger Warnings

By Page Turner

I’m sitting up as straight as I can on the pew while my mother sobs on my left. Skyspook is on my right, his hands folded in his lap.

We’re sitting in the front row. My grandmother sits on the other side of my mother. All 5′ 10″ of her in a gray pantsuit. My grandmother doesn’t cry. Not that I can see anyway. Skyspook later tells me that he can see it in smaller expressions on her face. ...

Clyde Robinson / CC BY

...The priest delivers a sermon about Christ and eternal life, inviting us to pray for my grandfather’s soul so that he may be reunited with all his loved ones in heaven and that we, too, may join him and all others we love in the afterlife.

All others? I wonder suddenly.

Because, you see, this is my grandmother’s second time being widowed. ... Any heaven that they’re part of will be filled with multiple loves.

The pastor knows all of this. ... In that moment, it occurs to me that the heaven the pastor describes is rather polyamorous.

And thinking back on conversations I’ve had with others — some of them very religious — few to none have had a problem with widowed folks remarrying (provided at least a short grieving period had passed). They don’t think of this eventual reunion in heaven as awkward for all involved.

Meanwhile, nonmonogamy on Earth — especially the consensual, honest kind — is regarded by those same folks as the work of Satan.

...As the pastor blesses the sacramental bread and wine, I wonder why we consider what is standard in heaven to be so far beneath us here on Earth.

Read her whole post (Oct. 23, 2017).

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P.S.:  If I ever go to a big football game that'll be on TV, I'm going to write on my forehead

Exodus     

21:10     

to troll the biblical fundies. And what's that? God's instructions for multi-marriages:

"If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights." The discreet translation "marital" here explicitly means sex; In the original Hebrew the word is וְעֹנָתָ֖הּ (wə·‘ō·nā·ṯāh), "sexual".  Rabbinic commentary.

If any fundie there gives me grief, I'll try to keep a straight face as I tell them "God said it, I believe it, and that settles it."

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1. Nope. I'm an atheist, materialist Unitarian Universalist humanist, although with, thanks to psychedelics, a lifelong soft spot for emergent panpsychism. Sparkle Moose and I are pillars of our local UU church, literally — our names are on one of the lally columns in the basement that were installed to shore up the building. I'm on the church's governing board, and Moose is its past president.

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"Polyamory, The Next Sexual Frontier" -- in Christianity Today?!

Barcroft Media / Getty

Christianity Today, founded by Billy Graham in 1956, has been called "evangelicalism's flagship magazine" (Washington Post). Its website now features a surprisingly kind and understanding article with the title and lead photo above.

My thanks to another Alan, the author of the long-running The Ordinary Extraordinary poly blog with his partner Anna, for bringing this to my attention. As he notes,

“Polyamory: The Next Sexual Frontier” is by Preston Sprinkle (biblical scholar and president of The Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender) and Branson Parler (professor of theological studies at Kuyper College in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and director of faith formation at Fourth Reformed Church in Grand Rapids) — though the article appears to be entirely from Mr. Sprinkle’s perspective. The article is somewhat amazing.

It's paywalled, but here are excerpts:

Polyamory: The Next Sexual Frontier

These once-taboo relationships are showing up in churches across the US.

By Preston Sprinkle and Branson Parler

A pastor recently told me (Preston) about Tyler and Amanda (names changed), high-school sweethearts raised in Christian homes, living in the Bible belt. After getting married, they seemed to be living the American dream with a house, good jobs, and two kids. Then Jon, a friend of Tyler’s, began living with their family. Amanda developed a close relationship with him, but their flirtation soon developed into something more, and Jon and Amanda proposed to Tyler that they begin exploring polyamory, with Amanda adding Jon as a significant other. They also encouraged Tyler to develop a relationship with another woman he’d met at the gym. He agreed.

When Tyler and Amanda came out as polyamorous, their parents were shocked. What seemed like a fringe practice of the sexual revolution had settled into the heartland of Middle America.

Making the situation even more complex, Tyler and Amanda sought counseling from a Christian counselor who advocated polyamory. Tyler’s parents were disturbed by what their son and daughter-in-law heard there: “It’s only adultery or cheating if someone is kept in the dark. If you are open and honest, this is a God-honoring relationship. And this is good for the kids! It takes a village to raise a child, so a polyamorous relationship actually brings more support and ‘family’ into your kids’ lives, much like the extended families in the past.”

Tyler’s parents wanted to know how to respond to their children but also wanted to know how the church should respond. Should Jon be welcomed into the church as an addition to Tyler and Amanda’s family? In a world where many sexual choices and identities are accepted, polyamory is often still stigmatized, so Tyler’s parents didn’t know who to talk to or where to turn.

---------------------

For many Christians, polyamory seems so extreme and rare that there’s no need to talk about it. But it is much more common than some people think, and it’s growing in popularity. ... [A survey] showed that nearly 70 percent of non-religious Americans between the ages of 24 and 35 believe that polyamory is okay, even if it’s not their cup of tea. And perhaps most shocking of all, according to sociologist Mark Regnerus in Cheap Sex, roughly 24 percent of church-going people believe that consensual polyamorous relationships are morally permissible.

Over the last several years, my (Preston’s) full-time job at The Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender has been helping leaders and pastors engage questions about sexuality and gender with theological faithfulness and courageous love. Naturally, I often get asked, “What’s the next discussion Christians need to have about these issues?” My answer is always the same: “Polyamory.”

...Unlike polygamy, polyamory does not always involve a marriage commitment, and it is much more egalitarian. Polyamory is also different from swinging or open relationships, though they do overlap. ... Sex and relationship therapist Renee Divine says, “An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people.” Notice again that polyamory is not just about sex. It includes love, romance, and emotional commitment among three or more people.

Preparing a Pastoral Response:

How can pastors and leaders prepare to address questions related to polyamory? Several pastors tell us it’s becoming more common for people who identify as poly to ask about their church’s view on the matter. Will they be accepted and affirmed? The discussion is still young enough that most pastors have some time to construct a robust, compassionate, thoughtful response to the question, “Is your church inclusive of people who are poly?”

How would you respond to Tyler, Amanda, and Jon? How would you counsel Tyler’s parents to respond? Tyler’s parents’ pastor advised them to first listen to their son rather than trying to preach at him, so after Tyler came out to them, they set up a time to simply connect and listen. ... When children choose less than God’s best for their relationships, affirming both grace and truth is a difficult but necessary balance for parents to maintain.

Another important pastoral step is to distinguish elements of polyamory that are in violation of God’s will from elements that are simply culturally unfamiliar to us. ... For example, the notion of kinship in polyamory is a secular echo of the way Scripture calls the church to function as a new family. In cultures that idolize individualism (but actually isolate individuals), polyamory’s focus on relationship, care, and affection can have a powerful pull. And in churches that idolize marriage and the nuclear family, polyamory’s focus on hospitality and community can be an attractive alternative. We can acknowledge that many of the elements that draw people to polyamory — deep relationships, care for others, hospitality, and community — are good things.

But Scripture does clearly connect sex, marriage, and monogamy in ways that are violated in polyamorous relationships. ...

Finally, a healthy pastoral response will involve clear, proactive teaching. ... It’s not uncommon for leaders to frantically scramble around scanning resources and shipping in speakers to address a raw situation that just flared up at their church. But instead of educating in “reaction mode,” we can construct a positive vision for what God intends. ... People are much more eager to follow a positive vision for marriage and sex than to adhere to a list of “don’ts.” ...

The whole article (online Sept. 25, 2019. It's in the print magazine's twice-a-year "Pastors" section, Fall 2019 edition.) Here's a link preserving the article's full text for research and historical purposes.

Other Alan remarks about it,

Of course there are problems, especially near the end: “When children choose less than God’s best for their relationships...” and “...need to be called to repentance for the way they have committed adultery,” etc.  But... he’s telling those he counsels to not overreact, to see how the wider world views these issues, and to maintain an open avenue of communication with the individuals within those lifestyles. ...

In the article, the authors provide solid facts concerning what polyamory is and what it isn’t, quote reputable polls (even though the results presumably don’t make the authors glad), and even get the terminology correct. They’re fully informed to the facts of what exists, maintain the humanity of the polyamorous, and counsel the faithful to keep their hearts open to the polyamorous. This is a phenomenal step toward further understanding and acceptance in the wider world. Thirty or forty years ago, when Mom and Dad actually starting listening to their homosexual son or daughter — that’s when gay rights was fully on its way, and wider acceptance was just around the corner.

As the pastor wrote, “I often get asked: what’s the next discussion Christians need to have about these issues?” My answer is always the same: ‘Polyamory.’ ” Here we go.

● The same author, Preston Sprinkle, posted a similar, longer article last year on the site of his Center for Faith, Sexuality and Gender: Why Christians Need to Think about Polyamory (June 7, 2018)

...Several of my pastor friends tell me that it’s becoming more common to have people who identify as poly asking about the church’s view on the matter and if they will be accepted and affirmed. These are not abstract questions.... Put more positively, we have time to construct a truly Christian vision for monogamy, if indeed that is the only truly Christian vision.

My purpose of this blog is to put this topic on your radar, not to answer all the questions that you might have. With that in view, here are a few more questions that Christian leaders should wrestle with....

Among the nine of these he offers are:

     – If God’s love for us is plural, and our love for (a Triune) God is plural, then why can’t human love for each other be plural?

     – Since the Bible doesn’t explicitly condemn plural marriages that are polygamous... could we say that monogamy is the ideal while still allowing for polyamorous relationships as less than ideal but still accepted in the church? Why, or why not?

     – If sexual expression is only permitted if it is faithful, consensual, and marital (which is what most Christians would say), then why can’t it be plural? That is, what is the moral logic that drives your view that monogamy is the only way? Is it just “God says so"? Or is there some rationale why plural love is immoral?

---------------------------


● On the same topic, this went out from Religion News Service a few months ago: Reinventing religion, millennials rewrite the rules of relationships (May 2, 2019):

Creative Commons

By Tara Isabella Burton

(RNS) — Those who consider themselves on a spiritual path can all get on board when Tristan Taormino invites us to enter “a sacred space where we feel safe enough to try new things, push our boundaries, flirt with edges and conquer fears …”

Even the most traditional of us might follow the popular speaker, columnist and author when she says she’s seeking a place that “has the potential to heal old wounds and generate spiritual renewal … a crucible for creativity, vulnerability, perseverance, control, catharsis and connection.”

Taormino could be discussing meditation, or prayer, chanting, even therapy. Instead, Taormino is writing about kink.

...While kink and poly are far from synonymous — there are “vanilla” triads and monogamous kinky couples — central to practitioners of both is the idea of “rewriting the script.” Heterosexual, patriarchal, monogamous culture — the narrative goes — has forced too many people into relationship styles that don’t reflect their authentic selves. Authors Dossie Eaton and Janet Hardy put it best in their 1998 handbook “The Ethical Slut,” the Ur-text of polyamory:^[1] “We are paving new roads across new territory. We have no culturally approved scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own.”

● And this just popped up from the official website of the Church of Jesus Christ — a breakaway Mormon sect (it claims 23,000 members) with relatively liberal social beliefs, based in Pennsylvania: Poly Problems (July 2, 2019). This piece defines polyamory as existing under a broad tent of "polygamy"^[2] that is not restricted by gender or roles.

By Kristine, Elect Lady

...[Poly-g and poly-am] aren’t for everyone and not every person that identifies as “poly” is in a polygamous or polyamorous relationship. And that’s okay. There is a misguided idea floating around that choosing to make another person’s feelings and desires a priority in any way somehow makes that other person selfish. This is an extremely pessimistic and self-serving point of view.

One example is a couple, we’ll call Ken and Barbara. Ken and Barbara started off monogamous, and Barbara is still monogamous. Ken has discovered he is polyamorous. ... Let’s say this example couple brings this to the Lord and Ken feels the Lord saying “yes,” while Barbara is hearing “no.” What does this tell us? That God isn’t going to ask us to do anything that we’re not comfortable with. And now, together, Ken and Barbara must make a decision. ...

...The point is that self and selflessness are not exclusively dichotomous. Both can, do, and must coexist for any relationship to work. ...

...There seems to be a dangerous idea out there that one has to be fulfilled by partners, whether by one or ten or more. A relationship is created and exists by people RELATING, not filling some hole or need the other person has. If someone is not whole, they shouldn’t expect anyone or any number of “someones” to fulfill them.

It may be that this is why some in polygamous or polyamorous relationships can’t seem to understand why monogamous folk desire to be in a mutually exclusive relationship. Maybe they don’t grasp that the mono person isn’t at all on any level expecting their partner to fulfill all their needs (or any for that matter) and isn’t trying to fulfill their partner’s needs. I believe that no one should ever be expected to meet any needs of anyone. That’s not a relationship. It’s codependence and it’s toxic. ...

I've been saving up a boatload of surprisingly nuanced Christian-and-poly articles, and the pile is now so big that the boat is about to roll over. Expect a data dump soon.

Update: Here you go.

---------------------------------

1. Well, no. The origin texts of the modern polyamory movement would be Ryam Nearing's The Polyfidelity Primer (first edition 1984) and Deborah Anapol's Love Without Limits (first edition 1992). The Ethical Slut was, however, widely recommended as the go-to book for a number of years after its first edition appeared in 1997.

2. To hopefully de-confuse: The mainsteam Mormon church officially renounced its doctrine of polygamy — at least here on Earth — more than a century ago so that Utah could enter the Union. It is officially the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), but last year it announced that it's encouraging "Church of Jesus Christ" and "Restored Church of Jesus Christ" as alternative names (especially to "Mormon"), though these clearly infringe on the Church of Jesus Christ quoted here. ("Mormon" is usually assumed to mean the LDS Church, but it properly refers to all sects that take the Book of Mormon as gospel.)

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