The Onion: "I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord"

The Onion

You know you've been painted by the culture-radar when you get into The Onion, America's #1 journal of satire. Notice how the writer signs herself.

I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord

By Bonnie Nordstrum
Polytheist

With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. But I did a lot of soul searching, and together we found a solution that fit both of our needs, by adopting an alternative theological lifestyle.

Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known.

It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. It was incredible. He filled me up with His love.... Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He seemed distracted and distant — sometimes I wondered if He was listening at all.... A few months later, I made a potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He was sanctifying.

...I was devastated. Here I had let Him into my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God knows how many others as well. So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others.... It was part of who He was.

...To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable deities, why not others?

...The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Him — but he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him!... So I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling workshops, and Shinto temples. I even spent a weekend in a no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods! And now that I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond is stronger than ever.

Some may think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I love God — heck, I love all of them — and I am one deeply, deeply fulfilled woman.

Read the whole thing (Sept. 26, 2007). And forward it to friends and family if you dare.