"Sharing the Love"

Cherrie (Australia)

A glossy queer-women's magazine in Australia has a sweet, earnest introduction to polyamory in its February issue, written by a practitioner:

By Nikó Antalffy

...Many lesbians, queer and bi women have discovered this ethical non-monogamy for themselves and are benefiting from it. For some it’s a fresh alternative to more common forms of non-consensual monogamy, such as cheating or overlapping serial monogamy — scenarios that indicate frustrations with the limitations of traditional ways of forming relationships.

For Kittie, a 40-year-old Sydneysider, poly comes out of bisexuality. “If you like both genders it’s difficult to confine yourself to just one person,” she says. “It has to be a process of negotiation of compatibility. In poly relationships things may be more complicated but I end up being less resentful. It also gives me a good conceptual underpinning for my identity.”

Many think of poly as a truly progressive ethical alternative — a kind of ‘open source’ love for the 21st century that brings new forms, expressions and patterns of love, sex and relationships. Some want to reclaim ‘sluthood’ while others are just drawn by the possibility of free self-expression in sexuality, lifestyle and intimacy.

Poly is an honest alternative to the restrictions of monogamy. “Mono people tend to live a lie,” says Huntress, a bisexual poly mistress in Adelaide. “They have affairs and breach each other’s trust; poly is a more honest kind of relationship.” She and her male primary partner live together, but she also has poly girlfriends sometimes and plays with girls at parties. She finds that lesbian circles are less accepting of poly than the BDSM community she normally mixes with, but being honest and upfront about her open relationships helps and she believes poly is gradually becoming more accepted in general. “When poly works it’s wonderful, but you have to be open and honest and have to work on possible jealousy issues,” Huntress says. “It’s a mono-centric world but we need to have more choices in the future. Gender is already becoming less relevant, and as straight and gay become less clear-cut concepts, perhaps monogamy will go the same way.”

We poly folk love the abundance of intimacy and sexual freedom our lifestyle offers yet are mindful that this requires open and honest negotiation of relationships rules and a thorough expression of personal needs between partners and lovers. The very idea of poly embraces sexual diversity and poly folk revel in the reality of multiple genders, sexual orientations and sexual expressions — all the more to have fun with! Yet there is awareness that this dream has to be worked on: it takes strength, insight and perseverence to form strong and honest relationships and queer poly tribes that foster diverse sexual pathways in life.

...We learn to negotiate full consent, set personal relationship rules or guidelines, work on communication, articulate values and needs, and learn to deal with jealousy. These aren’t always easy and poly isn’t for everyone, yet a poly lifestyle can be a deeply satisfying and fulfilling choice for many people.

Lisa, a 43-year-old lesbian in Brisbane finds poly rich and liberating. “I want to live with liberty and freedom,” she says. “Poly for me overcomes the heterosexist patriarchal limitations of monogamy, which is based on the lie of the happily ever after. I have a life-long female partner, have long-term girlfriends and casual relationships. I have a 16-year-old daughter and enjoy the support of a strong women’s community. The GLBT community needs to realise that poly is the new queer. It’s not scary, it’s a beautiful subversive movement that has a lot to offer for the future.”

Read the complete article.