Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

May 15, 2013

Dating: "How to come out as polyamorous"

RedEye (Chicago)

The Chicago Tribune puts out a free, supposedly hip daily tabloid paper for 18-to-34-year-olds, circulation 200,000. In this morning's issue, a dating columnist offers advice to poly people on the eternal question of when to break the news to a potential new interest.

Advice: How to come out as polyamorous

By Anna Pulley

Anna Pulley
I'm wondering when is the best time, and how, to tell a prospective dating person that you are in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously before any physicality, but in a more granular sense, when? Call, text, first date?

--Poly Wanna Answer

...There’s a delicate balance when you’re first dating someone of what to disclose and what not to. You want to be honest and upfront, but you also want to respect the “getting to know you” process, which can be upset by Big Conversations too early....

I’m a big fan of letting squishy topics come up organically, which they inevitably do when there’s a budding mutual attraction. Dropping a bomb on someone out of context tends to come off like a guilty confession, or something you’re ashamed of....

“So, are you dating anyone?” is a common question, and a perfect opportunity to let your prospective date know that you are dating other people, and not monogamously. If they want to know more, or have specific questions about it, then tell them. Don’t lie or evade the question if it comes up, since that will only serve to bite you in the ass later (and not in the way you are hoping).

I don’t think you’re obligated to come out as poly before anything physical happens, unless there’s been some kind of relationship talk, or if the person is under the assumption that you only have thighs for her. If the date in question seems more conservative or traditional, I’d disclose your poly status sooner than later. But if it’s more of a casual encounter, there’s no need to bog down your date with a treatise on the hierarchy of your relationship structure and long-term compatibility....

Read the whole column (May 15, 2013).

Well, a lot of us realize that many people assume that a real relationship with a good person will be monogamous, without anyone saying anything. You'll save them and yourself time and trouble by happily telling about your poly beliefs at the first reasonable opportunity. I like her idea of "So, are you dating anyone?" And, tell exactly what "poly" means to you, because interpretations and assumptions differ widely. The right person will be enthused or at least accepting. Many won't be, unless you have the sense to be dating in a poly-friendly pool to begin with, and the sooner you both find out the less time and energy you both waste.

When dating online, this filter belongs smack up front.

I've never heard a good reason to delay informing a potential new partner unless it's clearly just a one-night stand kind of thing. Name one! If you hope to bedazzle a possibly mono person and "convert" them after they're hooked, you're not just a dick, you're a fool.


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Blogger Juliette Siegfried said...

Completely agree. I find the common argument so lame: "But why would I want to talk about polyamory before I'm sure they really like me?" Argh. They can't possibly really like you if they don't know your fundamental views on how relationships should and could work.

May 15, 2013 2:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely disagree and find this post rather lame due to the name calling. I do not even talk about poly until I am certain that there is enough mutual attraction to go to the next step. ...and then I talk about it. ..and I have been having predominantly poly relationships with formerly monogamous people for over 20 years....

May 15, 2013 2:48 PM  
Anonymous Goddess of Java said...

Thanks for pointing this prize out, and thanks even more for pointing out that yeah, you are obligated to disclose that info up front.

May 15, 2013 2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've also been involved predominantly with monogamous people who liked me enough to be in a poly relationship, and several are still poly now after we broke up. They just realized it fit them better too.

May 16, 2013 4:38 AM  
Blogger Polyamory Paradigm said...

"I don’t think you’re obligated to come out as poly before anything physical happens... unless...if the person is under the assumption that you only have thighs for her."

A guess based on another persons presumed assumption...Yikes!

I choose direct, open communication and will trust that if there is interest between us, opening up about lifestyle early on won't hurt us in the long run.

May 16, 2013 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Lucius Scribbens said...

I'm okay with the name calling. A poly person trying to convert a mono person is just as dickish a maneuver as a mono person trying to lasso a poly person.

I'll call it what it is.

I agree in disclosing early, mostly because my time is limited anyway, and I don't want to waste weeks with someone only to have it blow-up when I tell them I won't be monogamous with them.

May 17, 2013 2:09 PM  

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