Ask Amy blows a poly concern
Many newspapers
Last we heard from Amy Dickinson, the "Ask Amy" newspaper columnist, she told us she was "tickled to have pissed-off the pollies." Maybe that's why she blew a reader's question this week. Normally she's a mind-your-own-business type, but...
No, they chose not to confound you; they chose not to tell you about their private life. Why should they have to?
Did they say such a pledge? Many couples don't. Many others change their agreement later.
If a couple are open with each other, does that really mean an outsider can demand they be open with her?
An instance of the original column (week of January 29, 2017).
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Ask Amy: Couple is confused by polyamorous friends
Dear Amy: My husband and I recently discovered that our closest friends (another couple) are having an open relationship. They say they are “polyamorous.”
I am having a very hard time accepting this. They were in our wedding, and we were in theirs. In the last 10 years I can’t remember having a single disagreement with them, but I can’t seem to get past this.
They didn’t even tell us about it. We found out because the husband was hanging all over another woman very publicly at their annual party. My husband found out what was really going on through another longtime friend.
...These friends of ours are expecting their first child soon, and have asked us to be the child’s godparents.
I am struggling. I know what I am feeling is wrong and that I shouldn’t care what they do.
But I do care. For some dumb reason I feel hurt and sadly disgusted.
I don’t know what I should do. My husband is willing to act like nothing is going on. I don’t think I can.
Should I walk away from a 10-year friendship? Should I try harder to get over my own feelings and ignore it? I thought I was a better and more accepting person.
— Confused Friend
Dear Confused: Your own feelings are the natural consequence of your closest friends’ choice to confound all of your expectations about them.
No, they chose not to confound you; they chose not to tell you about their private life. Why should they have to?
When you stood up with them at their wedding, you witnessed their pledge to be sexually faithful.
Did they say such a pledge? Many couples don't. Many others change their agreement later.
I assume that their choice to let you learn this important detail about them from others might hurt more than your judgment about their behavior.
Because they have declared their marriage to be “open,” you should openly talk to them about it.
If a couple are open with each other, does that really mean an outsider can demand they be open with her?
What's this got to do with how you treat their child after the parents are dead and gone? As someone these days might tweet, "SAD!"
Express your concerns, focusing on the impact on your long friendship.
When you are asked to be a godparent to a child, you are being asked to help the parents provide a spiritual backdrop to the child’s life. Are you willing to carry on this job of being this child’s loyal and constant adult friend through life? I hope so. But this will be a tough choice.
An instance of the original column (week of January 29, 2017).
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Labels: advice columns
3 Comments:
These aren't merely social aquaintenances from the sound of it. I think if they are close enough to be godparents, then the parents might have chosen to disclose their poly marriage to their friends. Were I the godparents, I would expect to be treated like family, and an open marriage is too big a secret to keep from family unless there is a clear sense of impending, strong disapproval. Even then, it would be better to know where everyone stands and that they are still willing to be godparents. It's better to know sooner than later if they aren't so the parents can find more suitable godparents and kindly let those who aren't comfortable off the hook. It's certainly complicated. As I say, polyamory ain't for sissies.
Wowza - - - "Because they have declared their marriage to be “open,” you should openly talk to them about it."
How does having an open relationship mean they're required to talk to everyone about it?
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