Polyamory in the News: "From the age of 12, I knew that monogamy wasn’t for me"

In Australia this morning, the organizer of the Sidney Polyamory dating group gets his enchanting first-person story into daily papers owned by the News Corp. chain.

You can do this too.

From the age of 12, I knew that monogamy wasn’t for me

WHEN people think of polyamory they tend to think of lots of sex ... but the reality is often quite different.

By Eliot Redelman

Eliot Redelman

I’M at the pathologist again. She smiles at me.

“The usual?”

I look at the pathology form. My doctor forgot to write out the STI tests. I rush back to him and he scribbles on the page. HIV, HEP, SYP, CHM, HSV.

“Round 2”, I say to her. This is our ritual.

“How many girlfriends this time?” she asks.

I pretend to count on two hands. “Three and a half right now,” I say, and she laughs. It’s a cute little dance we have going on. I’ll be back for ‘the usual’ in about 2 months.

48 hours later, I’m collecting the results. I text my partners “All good” to let them know I got the all-clear. I don’t feel anxiety myself, but one of my partners, Annie, likes the peace of mind that comes with the routine tests.

...It’s before dinner on our regular Wednesday night and I’m sitting on the couch with Annie, cuddling and having a catch-up about our week. She saw Chris this week — they’ve been together about two years. Chris is the opposite of me — heavily introverted and needs a lot of time to himself. They work well with a low-pressure relationship. Too much contact and they stress each other out. They catch up about once a fortnight for dinner, cuddles, probably more. It’s lovely to hear that they’re going well. I don’t have to ask much; it’s none of my business. But, it’s always good to know that someone I care about is happy.

I tell Annie that I had dinner with Dianne and her parents on Monday night — Dianne hasn’t told her parents she’s poly yet, but she’s not feeling any pressure. She’s still learning how — or even if — she wants to label herself; there are too many types of relationships once the door opens to non-monogamy. Dianne had another boyfriend, but he let her know he wasn’t up for dating right now. They’re friends, and from time to time they might sleep together. But it’s not ‘a relationship’. She’s deciding if she eventually wants to try to find another boyfriend, but she says she is in no rush.

I’m always open about my relationships if asked, but my grandma doesn’t exactly know all the logistics.

...Bella starts telling me the latest about Eric, a German guy she’s been dating for about a year. Whenever I meet him, we end up talking about economics for hours. He’s been travelling for work, and is about to leave again for a few months. Bella says she’s finding it hard being long distance.

We order our food and start talking about what’s gone wrong with Eric. At first, I think Bella is simply feeling fed up because he’s heading away again, but something different is troubling her. She tells me that he was down in Melbourne last week when he reconnected with an old flame. That was fine, she tells me. She’s a nice girl; Bella’s met her several times, and the two of them even Facetime from time to time. But Eric and his ex went to a restaurant called Pastuzo that Bella’s been telling Eric she wants to try, for months. She’s had some twinges of ... something. Jealousy? This was a special thing between Bella and Eric — at least it was in Bella’s eyes. “And he went and took someone else there”, she says, resentfully.

She says she’s feeling bad about resenting the situation, but also that she can’t help how she feels. She tells me she knows it’s okay to feel upset about it. I nod. ...

People often thinks that it’s jealousy that kills poly relationships. But I believe it’s poor communication. These days I work very hard to make sure that we can always tell each other anything without anticipating painful reactions or any reactions in general. There needs to be a sense of safety.

One thing that frustrates me is that people assume that because I have multiple relationships, I think that everyone should. I really don’t. I won’t speak for everyone, but generally, people in the poly community very much recognise that relationships need to suit the people participating in them. Our commitments are as individual as we are. Socialising with the poly community very much opened my eyes to the diversity and complexity of ethical non-monogamy. I wish everyone could be more curious about how strangers live, and that they wouldn’t judge until they hear what it’s like through other people’s eyes.

Eliot Redelman runs the Sydney Polyamory dating group.