Five new polyamory books, normalization rushes on, and other poly in the news.

More than 62 nonfiction books about polyamory have been published since Ryam Nearing, co-founder of Loving More magazine and the modern poly movement itself, brought out the first edition of her Polyfidelity Primer in 1984. (The word "polyamory" had not yet been invented.) Only five more books appeared in the next 15 years, then the numbers began to pick up — slowly at first, and now so fast I can't keep track.

I maintained a guide to all these books, with descriptions, until June 2015 when the tally stood at 42 and the job got too big. Here's the guide as it stood then. Here are 11 posts I've made since then about 17 more polyam/CNM books: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

Now five new ones are out or soon will be:

●  The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix, a well-known non-monogamy advice columnist and podcaster. This'll be an important one.

When I first found out about poly, I decided this thing was only for low-problem people with super-together heads. Then I saw real-world people with all the normal problems and wounds and neuroses  making it work too, though maybe with special struggles and attention to issues along the way.

Lola Phoenix, and many others, feel that such understandings haven't shown up properly in many poly guidebooks. So Phoenix has just published an explicitly trauma-informed guide to poly and CNM. It's an eye-opener.

From their introduction:

I came to non-monogamy by way of sex-positive communities when I was trying to reconnect with my body and sexuality after finally really coming to terms with the sexual abuse I'd been through as a child. A lot of what sex-positive communities did was encourage questioning things society had taught me.

...The first couple of times the [standard poly] advice I gathered didn't work, I thought it was my fault. So much of what I learned was encouraging distrust of my own judgment, a reinforcement of the same denial I had of my emotions my entire life....

It's no surprise then that my first experiences with polyamory were extremely sketchy, and I only managed to escape them by reading literature about abusive relationships and abusive patterns. I wouldn't until much later learn that my negative emotions weren't inherently a sign of my own insecurity. I grew frustrated with problems I and others had that I saw constantly crop up that weren't really talked about. I felt that so much of the polyamory advice offered me either didn't address mental health or just didn't work for someone who had the anxiety or the experiences I had growing up. So I did what I usually do when I have thoughts: I wrote them down.

...I found out I wasn't the only one....

Read the whole introduction at the "Look Inside" box on the book's Amazon page. Also there is the table of contents.

From the foreword by Kathy Slaughter, LCSW: 

Years ago, as I began my journey into polyamory and working with polyamorous clients, I found most of the 'starter' books available inadequate. [The missing perspective] was an understanding of trauma, queer identities, and disability. Developmental trauma — being abused as a child — was my first professional specialty. 

...Now, after years of working with polyamorous clients, I've noticed that jumping into a non-monogamous relationship style can bring old pain and anxiety screaming to the surface. Often my clients worry that they're not 'cut out' for polyamory because their emotional reactions are so intense. And when I looked at the available resources for support, I understood where this fear came from. ...

Again, read on at the Amazon look-inside box.

In short: This is a needed book and a sign of our movement's growing maturity.

●  The Polyamory Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Setting Boundaries, Communicating Your Needs, and Building Secure, Healthy Open Relationships, by Sara Youngblood Gregory. The official publication date is November 8 but it may be available earlier. From the publisher's description:

Successfully navigate nonmonogamous relationships with this practical workbook filled with activities, journal prompts, interviews, and more activities.... Helps you determine what you really want when it comes to your life, your relationships, and the community you build — and how to get it.

...The Polyamory Workbook draws key information from real polyamorous people and relationship experts to help you expand your emotional and relational toolbox, better preparing you for the dive into nonmonogamy. This workbook focuses on the foundational knowledge everyone interested in or already practicing polyamory should know, including:

–  Types of nonmonogamy

–  Communication styles

–  Boundary setting

–  Consent

–  Metamours and jealousy

–  Pitfalls and red flags

–  Breakups

–  And more!

Compare with Kate Kincaid's similar recent workbook, Polyamory Journal:  Prompts and Practices for Navigating Non-Monogamy

● Another workbook: Based on the continuing success of her 2020 book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, Jessica Fern will soon come out with The Polysecure Workbook: Healing Your Attachment and Creating Security in Loving Relationships. Publication date November 25, but you can preorder now. Publisher's blurb:

The Polysecure Workbook encourages examination of any attachment challenges you may have experienced in your opening up process and offers insights into how to build secure relationships. Through practical exercises, you will explore your own attachment history, examine your reasons for practicing nonmonogamy and the different styles of nonmonogamy that you relate to, and consider whether you rely on relationship structure for your attachment security. The Polysecure Workbook provides the tools needed to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and to build personal security.

Thanks to Tracie Winslow for the tip.

●  Mono in a Poly World: What to Do When Your Partner Is Polyamorous and You Aren't, by Tazmyn Ozga. A small book, 60 pages. From the introduction:  

In 2014, after 25 years of marriage, my husband told me he was polyamorous and needed to be able to explore and live this part of himself, as a man free to have multiple intimate relationships. ... This new chapter in our relationship was a sometimes traumatic, sometimes exciting time for us. ...

We had a whole life together — three young-adult kids, a home, our long history. While we had our share of struggles and rough spots. for the most part we were friends and lovers who got along well. Could we stay together and make this work?

The last five-plus years were our grand experiment in seeing if we could make our mono-poly relationship work for both of us. Our path was a winding one, with lots of talking, therapy, trying different things, wrong turns, feelings, learning and discerning. It hasn't been easy.

...We monogamous folks with poly partners have our own perspectives, challenges, and issues to deal with, This book is for us. ... 

●  And a fifth: Kathy Labriola's Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships is due to be published December 15 by the academic publisher Rowman & Littlefield:

This book explores the unique group of elders, age 55 and older, who practice some form of consensual non-monogamy. It covers both the joys and challenges of multiple relationships for elders. Poly elders have the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as managing all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities (their own and/or their partners’), caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives, grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners, retiring from careers and starting new lives, and/or moving into some form of senior living. 

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In other news, a roundup of stuff:

●  More signs of mainstreaming. In Bloomberg BusinessWeek, What Nonmonogamy Can Teach Moonlighters and Job Jugglers  (July 28). "Handling multiple bosses isn’t that different from managing multiple lovers."

For example,

...A key tenet of polyamory is compersion—the ability to find joy in your partners’ happiness, even if they’re finding happiness with other people. This can be tough for rookie polyamorists, who learn that when romantic partners lash out about other activities, it’s often because they’re not getting enough attention of one kind or another. The same dynamic happens in the workplace: Bosses who are anxious about underperforming employees will inevitably start blaming [their] other jobs. ...

●  In the family-friendly Health Digest, What Is A Polyamorous Relationship And Is It Right For You? (Aug. 2)

Jacob Lund / Shutterstock

By Niko Vercelletto

...One form of consensual non-monogamy is a polyamorous relationship. This type of relationship can be defined as a person, or people, who are in committed relationships with multiple people at the same time, with the consent of all parties.... Polyamory has seemingly gained interest in the last few years, and you may be wondering if opening up a future or current relationship is right for you.

In some ways, polyamorous relationships may seem a lot like monogamous ones in that they require strong conflict resolution skills and good communication. And every relationship is built on a good foundation, including polyamorous relationships, according to Psychology Today. But what are some key differences between the two?

For starters, polyamorous relationships involve defining your own relationship rules and understanding the boundaries and limits of you and your partner. Asking yourself and your partner some important questions from the get-go could help define relationship terms. ...

...A 2018 study published in the journal Psychology showed that there was no difference in satisfaction, both relational or sexual, between monogamous and polyamorous relationships. However, the level of satisfaction does depend on how well all parties communicate about boundaries and needs before and during the relationships.

Polyamorous relationships are most successful when people can satisfy and fulfill each of their relationship partners equally, both emotionally and sexually, according to Psychology Today. Additionally, there are certain personality traits that may be better suited for polyamorous relationships, like extroversion, agreeableness, and low levels of jealousy and neuroticism.

If that all sounds far out of your comfort zone, don't be afraid to stick with monogamy, particularly if you become easily jealous, anxious, or need clear and consistent boundaries from a single partner....

Lastly, you don't want to start a polyamorous relationship for the wrong reasons. ...

●  Another. Erez Benari writes, "Voice actor Justin Rupple came on America's Got Talent recently (season 17, ep 4) and presented his wife AND his girlfriend, and even said the P word to wild applause! Howie Mandell said, 'I wanna give you the golden buzzer right now.' 

"Oh, he's also got a solid 330k followers on TikTok."

More about this from Meeaww (June 21):

...Justin Rupple's 'throuple' marriage

Aside from his steadily growing career in showbiz, Rupple's "throuple" relationship is also making headlines. Rupple and his wife, Katy Rupple, are in a polyamorous relationship with Claire Thornhill. Rupple met his wife, Katy, in 2006 while performing at one of his comedy shows. The couple started dating and got married in 2013. A few years after their marriage, Katie expressed an interest in exploring her bisexual side. After a lot of discussions, the couple approached Rupple's college friend Claire. In an interview with The Mirror, Claire shared, "At first, it was a surprise as I had never been approached like this before." Despite this, the surprise was welcomed "as I had always had feelings for both men and women."

...The 'throuple' claims that they are happy together. They credited teamwork and communication, as well as sharing goals, personality traits, and hobbies.... Claire explained, "As humans, we're capable of loving multiple people completely without diminishing the love we have for any one individual, and we're extremely lucky to have found each other. We are proud of our partnership and want others to know that you don't have to feel shame for simply loving people."

You can catch more of the trio's adventures and relationship milestones on their Instagram page The Thrupples.

●  Nice little Poly 101 on, of all places, Marriage.com, a platisher that bills itself as "The World's Best Marriage Resource: Building healthy, happy marriages and relationships." Differences: Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, Open Relationships (Aug. 1). The piece is very basic but mostly on-target as far as it goes.

 By Anne Duvaux

...Are you perhaps curious about the way society’s views seem to be changing? We all know relationships take work but perhaps we can help ourselves in how we structure them? 

Moreover, maybe we can learn something by understanding more about non-monogamous vs. polyamorous relationships?...

She found this nearly half-century-old quote, new to me:

In the timeless book The Road Less Traveled [1978], the psychiatrist M Scott Peck states in a footnote that all his years of couples-work led him to the “stark conclusion that open marriage is the only kind of mature marriage that is healthy”.

Most of us would disagree strongly with that, but I can see how Peck got there.

Dr. Peck goes on to imply that a monogamous marriage often leads to destroyed mental health and lack of growth. Does that mean that a polyamorous relationship is automatically ethical? 

On the contrary, it means that due to their nature, these types of relationships contribute to growth. This involves effort from all parties.

Which is indeed necessary for any long-term partnership.

● Newsweek puts up another 101, Mistakes To Avoid in an Open Relationship, From Couples Who've Been There (July 28). 

...These include:

• Failing to communicate
• Being inconsiderate of your partner's feelings
• Expecting too much
• Not setting boundaries
• Failing to keep jealousy in check
• Choosing the wrong people.

Tyler, Sam, Angel

●  The British tabloids continue their flood of (obviously profitable) happy polyfamily stories. Latest example: Polyamorous couple who asked their girlfriend to serve as their BRIDESMAID open up about the ups and downs of life in a throuple -- from dealing with jealousy over sex to handling outrage from family (Daily Mail August 10, and elsewhere). They're an MFF equilateral triad in Memphis. It wasn't easy for them to get the relationship fully worked out, and some of their family boycotted the wedding of two of them, but the story makes it sound like a happily-ever-after. With a video and many pics. Follow them on TikTok as @dailythrouple.

Once again: You wonder how the tabs get dozens and dozens of polyfamilies to share their lives in these rags? They pay you. These story packages — text, photos, sometimes videos — are created by tabloid-content companies including MDW Features, Barcroft Media, HotSpot Media, and Triangle News. The companies are based in the UK, but most of their featured polyfamilies have been in the US.

They're called the red tops.

Want to see if they're interested in you and yours? Well....

Don't accept their first offer; it may be a lowball. And I'm told this is not the easy money you may imagine; expect to put in a fair amount of time, energy, and perhaps stress. They may give you editorial control over how you're portrayed if you ask for it, so put that in the contract: require the right to review and remove anything in the final product. Even so, as with any media, say or show nothing that you don't want used. During the interview and photo shoots, be prepared to confer and refuse any requests that you feel are off (trick questions, sketchy photo setups), and to resist any amount of cajoling, which they are experts at. If you're ready to walk away from the deal, especially after they've committed resources to show up, you hold the upper hand. Remember, the tabloids are not journalism.

●  Are you a woman, transfem, or nonbinary? Buzzfeed News wants your poly story. "We're looking to speak with women and transfeminine or nonbinary people for an upcoming BuzzFeed News story" to be titled "Why Women Are Deciding To Become Nonmonogamous." I assume  short items are what they want.

As Jessica Fern, psychotherapist and author of Polysecure, has pointed out, it’s often women who initiate nonmonogamy.

If you’re a woman, transfeminine, or nonbinary person in a nonmonogamous relationship, BuzzFeed News wants to hear from you. We may reach out to you for an upcoming story.

They ask you to fill out a form. I doubt they pay sources; even Buzzfeed has standards.

 

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Looking wider, the struggle deepens. 

Why, some of you ask, have I been ending posts to this polyamory news site with the Ukraine war? With links like this one?

Because in my life I've seen many socially progressive movements become irrelevant and die out by failing to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Some people feel we're a threat to society — because by living successfully outside of their worldview, we expose its incompleteness. Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

People, communities, and societies that create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received more pagereads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukraine relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. We're giving to a big one, Razom, and to a little one, Pizza for Ukraine in Kharkiv, a project of an old friend of my wife Sparkle Moose.

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But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetimes.

(See also, among others, Tom Friedman's I Thought Putin Invaded Only Ukraine. I Was Wrong.)

The coming times are going to require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be ready.

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Loud.

More, you want? Just some guys near Kharkiv (our Pizza for Ukraine town) helping to hold onto a free and open society, a shrinking thing in the world. The tossed grenade seems to have saved them. Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops, for you, and for us — because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 2oth century. Although the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years there.

Bravery takes other forms. For instance. Or cartoon animator Oleg Kuvaev. His Masyanya was a popular family webseries in Russia for years, South Park style, and made it onto TV. Then, after the start of the war, he put out Episode 160. The raucous, oval-headed mom ditches the show's no-politics rule, and toward the end she barges in on Putin and presents him a blistering lecture and a hara-kiri sword to solve his problems. No spoilers what comes next. English subtitles. Kuvaev got out of Russia in time, the series remains up via overseas backups, and Russian authorities have implied they will hunt down the backups and wipe them.

Remember, these people say they're doing it for us too. They are correct.  The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. The situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do, vote.

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PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, see If Ukraine Wants To Stand for Liberty and Democracy, It Should Rethink Some of Its Wartime Policies (Reason, July 19). And the country has a long history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — until the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption guy. So they've been working on that.

Social attitudes tend traditional, but not bitterly so like in the US; the ideal of modern European civil society is widely treasured, and social progressivism has room to thrive. Some 40,000 women reportedly volunteer in military roles, and LGBT folx in the armed forces openly display symbols of LGBT pride. (Whereas in Russia, it's a criminal offense for even a civilian to so much as wear a tiny rainbow.) Writes kos in the big lefty news site Daily Kos (July 29),

I find [this] particularly salient given American conservative hostility toward women serving in our military. People like Ted Cruz praising the supposed manliness of the Russian army, while claiming ours is weak because of “woke culture.” Ukraine puts that bullshit to bed, not just with the women serving in its ranks, but with gay soldiers very publicly sewing unicorn patches on their uniforms to denote their pride.

He retweets a meme from a military blogger commenting on the plight of the abused gay Russian draftee:

To hell with any conservatives who impugn anyone’s service as somehow less effective or honorable than white straight men. 

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Kitchen Table polyamory – or Garden Party, Parallel, or a polyfamily? And other polyam in the news.

●  A Poly-Styles 101 article has popped up on The Body ("the AIDS/HIV resource for 27 years," with scores of partner organizations): Kitchen Table and Garden Party Polyamory: What Is the Difference?  (June 2)

Happy Pride Month  (iStock/FG Trade)

By Gigi Engle

What’s really special about polyamory is its commitment to nuance. There are so many different polycule (romantic network) configurations based on relationship style and boundaries, which makes it a highly customizable way to love. And for some, this is very appealing.

...Different terminology for one’s style of love can help people build the relationship they want within their specific lifestyle....“There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a polycule,” [says] Ryn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer.... “It’s hard to predict how a particular dynamic will impact us emotionally.”

...Enter two related but separate kinds of polyamorous relationships: kitchen table polyamory (KTP) and garden party polyamory (GPP).

KTP relationships refer to when [members of] a triad, quad, or polycule all have close relationships with one another. In GPP, the members of the group do not have close relationships with one another, but metamours (your partner’s partners) do choose to come together to celebrate big events in their partner’s lives.

...This contrasts with parallel polyamory, wherein metamours don’t interact with each other. “Still, everyone is aware of each other’s existence in parallel polyamory,” [says Zachary] Zane. “No one is lying to each other, [though] the metamours [may not] have any form of relationship with one another.”

...The way to know which kind of polyam is right for you takes open and honest communication about how you want to live and love as a polyamorous person. Every single human in a polycule deserves to have their boundaries respected, a thing Zane tells us is crucial in order to have successful ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationships. No kind of polyamory is better than any other. It’s about learning what you want and what you don’t want. All love is good love, as long as everyone is treated with dignity and respect. ...

A glaring absence here is the next step along the closeness spectrum, family-style polyamory. Some threes, fours or more bond to share their lives together, regardless of whatever are the sex links within the group. (Many long-term, cohabiting triads and quads are all hetero.) Some polyfamilies consider themselves to be group marriages — sometimes holding totally wedding-y commitment ceremonies and using language like "my husbands."

When you ask a bunch of polyfolks — at a convention workshop, for instance — to describe the life-setup of their dreams, the most common ideal you usually hear is close polyfamily embedded in a larger community. At least among con-goers.

But as T. S. Eliot said, "Between the idea and the reality, falls the shadow." It's hard enough for two people to find each other as excellent serious partners. It's exponentially harder for three or more — and then someone may realize this isn't quite what they wanted after all. Which must be respected no matter what. "Let your relationships be what they are," goes the old poly wisdom, and appreciate them for what they are — regardless of your ideal.

●  Remember Book Karnjanakit? She's the cartoonist from Thailand, now in Baltimore, who got published in the Washington Post's women's magazine The Lily last October with the illustrated I used to think there was one way to have a relationship. Then I discovered polyamory.

Now she's back, and on the Post website itself: How I overcome jealousy in my polyamorous relationship (May 29). Here are panels 1, 6, 8 and 9 of the 10:

●  Three days earlier, the WaPo's in-house advice columnist Carolyn Hax fielded a fret from an elderly mom: Parent has ‘grave misgivings’ about daughter’s polyamorous marriage (May 26). Her advice is good IMO.

Our only child, a daughter in her early 40s, married, with two young children, recently told us she had a polyamorous marriage. She hinted about it frequently for a year and then I asked her directly. The issue seems to have now completely dictated a shallow level of communication between us. She sent me a bunch of articles to read about the wonders of polyamory. [I hope this site helped! –Ed.]

Nick Galifianakis / Washington Post

...Grave misgivings fill my head and heart. She is very sensitive to anything that feels like criticism and always has been thin-skinned. The children are pre-hormone so I assume this is going undetected on their level. She has told me I need to practice acceptance.

I am concerned about the future. We do whatever we can to love and support the grandchildren, but I don’t know how to navigate the future with the knowledge I have. ... 

— Concerned

You treat her as your daughter. Which means, override your impulse to judge her and navigate the future by the usual standards. Care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and don’t offer advice unless asked.

...She is wrong on one point for sure; you don’t “need” to accept anything, any more than she “needs” to conduct her marriage to your standards.

...Frame it this way: IF your concerns for the future are founded, then your maintaining a solid relationship with your daughter and her children will be of utmost importance.

And the path to a solid relationship with your daughter is, all together now: to care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and not offer advice unless asked. I.e., wipe the judgy off the face.

●  India is the non-western country where modern egalitarian polyamory has caught on most firmly. Lots of past examples in Indian media (scroll down). Here are five more, starting with this one just out:

–  In Feminism in India, When My Partner And I Decided To Date Other People — Navigating Polyamory In Delhi  (June 6). It's long. Excerpts:

Intimacy in our minds is neatly fit into monogamy versus exclusively physical intimacy, although I wanted something which transcended these. 

Shreya Tingal for Feminism In India

By Shardha Rajam

When my partner and I decided to start seeing other people, I was excited. I had wanted to do this for a long time and knew in my heart that monogamy did not appeal to me. ...Quite apart from the physical intimacy, I wanted to experience what I did not know how to verbalise back then.

...Once we started... I realised that my partner and I were navigating through very different realities. While he had trouble getting women to trust him as a stranger in a misogynistic city, that was the only impediment he faced. For me, online dating applications often meant creepy men showing up at my doorstep unannounced. Men telling me I was, “cheating on my partner” and giving moral lectures about it. And, of course, men who did not understand consent.

...I thought of connecting with known men, hoping the common circles would enforce some degree of accountability and prevent non-consensual behaviour. ... However, known men were often disrespectful of consent too, and this regularly gave rise to more complications with respect to confidentiality.

...I was also not keen on verbalising my desire for the kind of intimacy I wanted, given our culture’s swift dismissal of any non-physical intimacy as clinginess without probing a blurred, more ambiguous form which fit into neither category.

...The Indian urban landscape has rarely been a space for women to exercise their sexuality — from my mobility to my clothes, to who my partner was with, and my own profile on a dating app — everything was open for questioning from different avenues, and masked as “safety concerns”. 

But it got better.

Although it did result in some unpleasant experiences, being non-monogamous introduced me to affectionate and genuinely caring people — people who were unabashed about their vulnerabilities, and did not hide behind cautious banter. As an ambivert myself, romantically meeting people encouraged me to move far out of my comfort zone — and introduced me to people I would simply not have met otherwise.

I met journalists, graphic designers, artists, photographers, lawyers and MBA graduates, PhD candidates, and legal researchers. My experience also reaffirmed my belief that romantic love need not be restricted to one partner — it was beautiful each time I found the intimacy I craved, and as I watched people unravel their own defences, each time I listened to realities and insecurities I would not have imagined them having, I formed a rapport deeper than friendship.

Shardha is a lawyer whose areas of interest include gender, social inequality and feminist legal studies. She can be found on LinkedIn and Twitter.

–  In the Deccan Chronicle, The new trend is Polyamorous Relationships (May 7, 2021):

By Nivi Shrivastava

...Designer Aman Bajaj, 43, who identifies himself as heterosexual and polyamorous, explains: “Polyamory is an evolutionary process for me, and each day I learn something new by accepting my true feelings for people. ... I feel polyamory is absolutely natural and everyone is polyamorous to some extent. ... It is also about acknowledging your true feelings and being mindful and respectful about the way other people feel.

Thirty-four-year-old Anika Verma, working in the creative and gender development sector... identifies herself as pansexual and polyamorous. ... “It’s all about accepting your feelings and acting on them with respect and trust. ... I had too much love to give and I didn’t want to lie about it or cheat.... Once I communicated this to [my husband] and my family, we made an arrangement to never hide anything from each other.”

“The most important factor about polyamory is to build trust and let the relationship grow organically with your partner,” says Aman.... in acknowledging your true emotions.”

–  In the Assam Sentinel, Indians Speak On Open Relationships And Polyamory (Jan. 18):

...Open relationships and polyamory are gradually buzzing in college campuses, Reddit threads as well as in therapy sessions. ... Polyamory is the situation when partners can engage in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. It is ethical and responsible non-monogamy where no one is in a single committed relationship. But, in a largely conservative society like India, there is a considerable taboo attached to these concepts. ...

Harsh and Yashika feel that any individual should not be judged for their choices and have cited that people have the right to do whatever they feel like doing within the parameters of the law. Yashika feels that many people are trapped in this bubble that one can only ever love one person. ...

–  In the Free Press Journal of Mumbai, Unlocking Your Intimacy: Three is not a crowd! (Jan. 23). This thoughtful, informed advice to a reader could have appeared on any good poly-community blog or discussion site. 

By Aili Seghetti

Q: My husband and I have been in an open marriage for two years. I really want my husband to meet my partners and do stuff together but he is not very keen. He prefers meeting partners without me and I often get jealous. I feel he is keeping things secret. What should I do?

Ans: You want to practice ‘Kitchen Table’ polyamory, while your husband prefers ‘Parallel’ polyamory. Both are ethical non-monogamy preferences based on your personality traits, attachment styles and the current relationship you have with each other.

Sometimes couples open up their relationships because they have a strong need for independence. When partners feel that they need space and time for themselves, it is usually a sign that they have merged too much with each other. For any relationship to last you need to maintain a delicate balance of connection and autonomy.

Currently your husband enjoys his relationships running in parallel, no interactions between metamours. It is great he is expressing his need for autonomy and his boundaries. What are yours? ... Speak about a middle ground with him.... It would be interesting to see what exactly you want to know about his lovers. This will be a great opportunity for you to understand where your insecurities lie. ...

The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com)

– And in ED Times ("Economy Decoded"), a youth publication, What Does Gen-Z Think About The Rise In Polyamorous Relationships?

Polyamorous relationships are relatively new to India but the possibility of having a consensual, non-monogamous relationship is catching on.

India has seen a rise in the number of polyamorous relationships recently, so we asked some individuals about their opinion, here is what they said.

[Two opinions out of many:]

  

Sticker for cohabiting polyfamilies

●  Meanwhile, the amount of poly-themed merch even just on Etsy has exploded. Search there on polyamory polyamorous metamour polycule and you get 703 shirts, flags, stickers, pins, cards, hats, earrings, pendants, coffee cups, Christmas tree ornaments....

I remember when this little pin seemed to be the only one you could find at all. It's from 2005. My first. Thank you Jak and Karawynn, the vendors.

●  The TikTok vids have become uncountable. The quality pyramid is what you'd expect, so here's Ali Wunderman's 10 Polyamory Experts to Follow on TikTok, as published in Cosmopolitan.

●  The annual round of polyamory conventions, retreats, campouts, and other gatherings is starting to open up again in hopes that the pandemic recedes. Some conferences remain online in whole or in part; many have a proof-of-vaccination requirement and/or other Covid protocols. See Alan's List of Polyamory Events for the next 12 months, frequently updated.   

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And the wider picture. Shit will get real. 

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Some people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness. Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to protect the rights of all.

People and communities who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their own lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received more pagereads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukrainian relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. (Avoid scams.)

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But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetimes.

(See also, for instance, Tom Friedman's I Thought Putin Invaded Only Ukraine. I Was Wrong.)

The coming times are going to require hard things of us right here. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be ready.

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Loud. Another version.

More, you want? Just some guys near Kharkiv the other day helping to hold onto a free and open society, a shrinking thing in the world. (The tossed grenade seems to have saved them.) Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops. For you, and for us. Even if he didn't realize it at the time.

Bravery takes other forms. For instance. And this. Or cartoon animator Oleg Kuvaev. His Masyanya was a popular family series in Russia for years, South Park style. Then, after the start of the war in February, he put out Episode 160. The raucous, oval-headed mom dumps the "no politics" rule ("So this is the result of your No Politics!" says her partner. "It's our fault.") and toward the end she barges in on Putin and presents him a blistering lecture and a hara-kiri sword to solve his problems. No spoilers what comes next. English subtitles. Kuvaev is out of Russia, the series remains up via overseas backups, and Russian authorities have implied they will hunt down the backups and wipe them. Don't drink any polonium tea, guy.

Remember, these people say they're doing it for us too. They are correct. The situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The global fight between a free, open future and a terrible return to the dark past past that is shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages (start at the 3rd paragraph there).  The outcome is uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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BTW, it's safer to say a thing if people around you say it too. What this audience is chanting in St. Petersburg is Khuy voinyeh, "Fuck the war," potentially worth a 15-year prison sentence.

 

San Petersburgo en el concierto del grupo Kis-Kis unánimemente muestran su rechazo a la guerra #Russia pic.twitter.com/L3bMjUaKl4

— pinov-Rusia (@juancarlospinov) May 21, 2022

Some person in that crowd started it. Maybe you can be a first mover too. Or the first reactor to a first mover, just as crucial. When the moment appears, remember not to flinch. We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do, vote.

 

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