Kitchen Table polyamory – or Garden Party, Parallel, or a polyfamily? And other polyam in the news.
Happy Pride Month (iStock/FG Trade)By Gigi EngleWhat’s really special about polyamory is its commitment to nuance. There are so many different polycule (romantic network) configurations based on relationship style and boundaries, which makes it a highly customizable way to love. And for some, this is very appealing....Different terminology for one’s style of love can help people build the relationship they want within their specific lifestyle....“There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a polycule,” [says] Ryn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer.... “It’s hard to predict how a particular dynamic will impact us emotionally.”...Enter two related but separate kinds of polyamorous relationships: kitchen table polyamory (KTP) and garden party polyamory (GPP).KTP relationships refer to when [members of] a triad, quad, or polycule all have close relationships with one another. In GPP, the members of the group do not have close relationships with one another, but metamours (your partner’s partners) do choose to come together to celebrate big events in their partner’s lives....This contrasts with parallel polyamory, wherein metamours don’t interact with each other. “Still, everyone is aware of each other’s existence in parallel polyamory,” [says Zachary] Zane. “No one is lying to each other, [though] the metamours [may not] have any form of relationship with one another.”...The way to know which kind of polyam is right for you takes open and honest communication about how you want to live and love as a polyamorous person. Every single human in a polycule deserves to have their boundaries respected, a thing Zane tells us is crucial in order to have successful ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationships. No kind of polyamory is better than any other. It’s about learning what you want and what you don’t want. All love is good love, as long as everyone is treated with dignity and respect. ...
● Remember Book Karnjanakit? She's the cartoonist from Thailand, now in Baltimore, who got published in the Washington Post's women's magazine The Lily last October with the illustrated I used to think there was one way to have a relationship. Then I discovered polyamory.
Our only child, a daughter in her early 40s, married, with two young children, recently told us she had a polyamorous marriage. She hinted about it frequently for a year and then I asked her directly. The issue seems to have now completely dictated a shallow level of communication between us. She sent me a bunch of articles to read about the wonders of polyamory. [I hope this site helped! –Ed.]
...Grave misgivings fill my head and heart. She is very sensitive to anything that feels like criticism and always has been thin-skinned. The children are pre-hormone so I assume this is going undetected on their level. She has told me I need to practice acceptance.
Nick Galifianakis / Washington Post
I am concerned about the future. We do whatever we can to love and support the grandchildren, but I don’t know how to navigate the future with the knowledge I have. ...— ConcernedYou treat her as your daughter. Which means, override your impulse to judge her and navigate the future by the usual standards. Care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and don’t offer advice unless asked....She is wrong on one point for sure; you don’t “need” to accept anything, any more than she “needs” to conduct her marriage to your standards....Frame it this way: IF your concerns for the future are founded, then your maintaining a solid relationship with your daughter and her children will be of utmost importance.And the path to a solid relationship with your daughter is, all together now: to care about her, trust her to manage her own life, and not offer advice unless asked. I.e., wipe the judgy off the face.
Intimacy in our minds is neatly fit into monogamy versus exclusively physical intimacy, although I wanted something which transcended these.
Shreya Tingal for Feminism In IndiaBy Shardha RajamWhen my partner and I decided to start seeing other people, I was excited. I had wanted to do this for a long time and knew in my heart that monogamy did not appeal to me. ...Quite apart from the physical intimacy, I wanted to experience what I did not know how to verbalise back then....Once we started... I realised that my partner and I were navigating through very different realities. While he had trouble getting women to trust him as a stranger in a misogynistic city, that was the only impediment he faced. For me, online dating applications often meant creepy men showing up at my doorstep unannounced. Men telling me I was, “cheating on my partner” and giving moral lectures about it. And, of course, men who did not understand consent....I thought of connecting with known men, hoping the common circles would enforce some degree of accountability and prevent non-consensual behaviour. ... However, known men were often disrespectful of consent too, and this regularly gave rise to more complications with respect to confidentiality....I was also not keen on verbalising my desire for the kind of intimacy I wanted, given our culture’s swift dismissal of any non-physical intimacy as clinginess without probing a blurred, more ambiguous form which fit into neither category....The Indian urban landscape has rarely been a space for women to exercise their sexuality — from my mobility to my clothes, to who my partner was with, and my own profile on a dating app — everything was open for questioning from different avenues, and masked as “safety concerns”.
Although it did result in some unpleasant experiences, being non-monogamous introduced me to affectionate and genuinely caring people — people who were unabashed about their vulnerabilities, and did not hide behind cautious banter. As an ambivert myself, romantically meeting people encouraged me to move far out of my comfort zone — and introduced me to people I would simply not have met otherwise.I met journalists, graphic designers, artists, photographers, lawyers and MBA graduates, PhD candidates, and legal researchers. My experience also reaffirmed my belief that romantic love need not be restricted to one partner — it was beautiful each time I found the intimacy I craved, and as I watched people unravel their own defences, each time I listened to realities and insecurities I would not have imagined them having, I formed a rapport deeper than friendship.Shardha is a lawyer whose areas of interest include gender, social inequality and feminist legal studies. She can be found on LinkedIn and Twitter.
By Nivi Shrivastava...Designer Aman Bajaj, 43, who identifies himself as heterosexual and polyamorous, explains: “Polyamory is an evolutionary process for me, and each day I learn something new by accepting my true feelings for people. ... I feel polyamory is absolutely natural and everyone is polyamorous to some extent. ... It is also about acknowledging your true feelings and being mindful and respectful about the way other people feel.Thirty-four-year-old Anika Verma, working in the creative and gender development sector... identifies herself as pansexual and polyamorous. ... “It’s all about accepting your feelings and acting on them with respect and trust. ... I had too much love to give and I didn’t want to lie about it or cheat.... Once I communicated this to [my husband] and my family, we made an arrangement to never hide anything from each other.”“The most important factor about polyamory is to build trust and let the relationship grow organically with your partner,” says Aman.... in acknowledging your true emotions.”
...Open relationships and polyamory are gradually buzzing in college campuses, Reddit threads as well as in therapy sessions. ... Polyamory is the situation when partners can engage in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. It is ethical and responsible non-monogamy where no one is in a single committed relationship. But, in a largely conservative society like India, there is a considerable taboo attached to these concepts. ...Harsh and Yashika feel that any individual should not be judged for their choices and have cited that people have the right to do whatever they feel like doing within the parameters of the law. Yashika feels that many people are trapped in this bubble that one can only ever love one person. ...
By Aili SeghettiQ: My husband and I have been in an open marriage for two years. I really want my husband to meet my partners and do stuff together but he is not very keen. He prefers meeting partners without me and I often get jealous. I feel he is keeping things secret. What should I do?Ans: You want to practice ‘Kitchen Table’ polyamory, while your husband prefers ‘Parallel’ polyamory. Both are ethical non-monogamy preferences based on your personality traits, attachment styles and the current relationship you have with each other.Sometimes couples open up their relationships because they have a strong need for independence. When partners feel that they need space and time for themselves, it is usually a sign that they have merged too much with each other. For any relationship to last you need to maintain a delicate balance of connection and autonomy.Currently your husband enjoys his relationships running in parallel, no interactions between metamours. It is great he is expressing his need for autonomy and his boundaries. What are yours? ... Speak about a middle ground with him.... It would be interesting to see what exactly you want to know about his lovers. This will be a great opportunity for you to understand where your insecurities lie. ...The writer is an Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organisation promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com)
Polyamorous relationships are relatively new to India but the possibility of having a consensual, non-monogamous relationship is catching on.India has seen a rise in the number of polyamorous relationships recently, so we asked some individuals about their opinion, here is what they said.[Two opinions out of many:]
Sticker for cohabiting polyfamilies
And the wider picture. Shit will get real.
Some person in that crowd started it. Maybe you can be a first mover too. Or the first reactor to a first mover, just as crucial. When the moment appears, remember not to flinch. We'll have a better idea after the election. Whatever else you do, vote.
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