Happy triad home life. Two new books, more poly reality TV... and, poly-movement perspective on the current crisis
There's not much polyamory in the news media lately with everything else going on.
For a poly-informed take on the current big picture and our place in it, scroll down
and start at the Ukraine flag.
The tl;dr: When autocrats are trying to overthrow your society, do not show fear; fear is contagious.
Courage is contagious too. Behave accordingly.
Get the little handbook On Tyranny: Twenty lessons from the twentieth century. Connect with your local pro-democracy groups, now, to build mutual
support. Grow your community involvement. Develop strategic thinking; the winners are the far-thinkers. Buck up,
as modeled in the videos from people in a harder spot than us. Find your place in the fight and relish it. Snowflakes are miserable and get nowhere, but fighters have purpose and
meaning, even fun.
It's only starting.
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| Yes we do. Near the White House on January 18. (Jon Cherry/Reuters) |
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Meanwhile, back to the blog topic.
● The oldest, most familiar type of polyamory coverage in legacy media is the local newspaper profiling a local
polyfamily. Especially around Valentine's Day, especially if there are kids.
So... this in from the San Antonio Express-News: 'Married' throuple living domestic life in San Antonio are 'powerhouse
trio', Feb. 14 (subscription-walled; the link is to a partial reprint in another
paper.)
These never grow old.
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The triad pledging their mutual vows three years ago. "When
they arrived at
the altar, they were greeted by a circle of friends and family
— a seating
arrangement intended to symbolize the unification of their
families."
Anthony Garcia / Jojodancerphotos |
By Rhyma Castillo...“We like to call it ‘the power of three,’ ” said Delain, 44, who works in sales operations at a global tech company. “When we work together, we can knock out pretty much anything.”The San Antonio throuple walked one another down the aisle in spring 2022 at a wedding ceremony in front of their closest friends and family....Blanca and Phillip met at San Antonio ISD’s Highlands High School in 1990. She was a freshman and he was a senior, and they began dating after two years of friendship. ...[A quarter century later] “We started trying to meet other couples, just trying to date,” Blanca said. “For me, it was figuring out my sexuality. How much am I willing to explore with my husband there, and how open are we about having this conversation?”Phillip says they weren’t looking for sexual relationships that night, but when they ran into Delain on one of their outings in March 2017, the couple was “intrigued” by her.
Blanca, Delain, and Philip. "Certainly, we’ve lost friends along the way.
They can go (expletive) themselves."
It was at a Shovels and Rope concert at Sam's Burger Joint, Blanca said. She knew Delain through work, but seeing her in a different setting sparked something new — physical attraction. Delain was hot. “She’s very intriguing, very gorgeous,” Blanca said. “Phillip was like, ‘Who is that?’ So I introduced them, and we hit it off.”“When I met Blanca and Phillip, I had no idea what polyamory was,” Delain said. She’d just made a post-divorce move to San Antonio with her two sons, now 24 and 14, and said she was on a date with someone else when she ran into the pair.“I thought, ‘I can’t tell if these people are hitting on me, or if I’m making new friends,’” she said.Within weeks, Delain confirmed it was the former when Blanca suddenly kissed her at a Sons of Hercules concert."We were in a grimy dive bar bathroom on the St. Mary's Strip," Blanca said. "Delain asked me how I stay looking so young, and I told her 'by kissing pretty girls like you.'""That's when I knew," Delain said. “That’s what broke the ice."“We loved spending every moment we possibly could together,” Blanca said. “We couldn’t get enough of one another, and it didn’t disrupt (mine and Phillip’s) relationship. It just felt very comfortable and natural.”...The three say they've managed the stresses with plenty of open, honest communication. “We wanted to make sure everyone felt comfortable, and we just fell into this rhythm,” Delain said.After nearly a year of courtship, the triad merged households in May 2018. Quickly, the relationship dynamic switched from parties, concerts, gallery openings and Piñata Protest concerts to laundry, gardening and H-E-B runs.For Valentine's Day, the throuple plans to make dinner at home with their 14-year-old son — and to give one another copious amounts of flowers.
If that sounds pretty tame, well, it is. Blanca likes to thrift; Delain likes to garden and volunteer at the dog shelter; and Phillip has his art. They love to binge-watch TV, and they're revisiting "Top Chef" at the moment.---------------------------...When Blanca, Delain and Phillip decided to be open about their relationship and lifestyle after moving in together, they were met with mixed reactions.“Our kids were way more accepting of our relationship than we could have ever imagined,” Delain said.One of the triad's children, Violet Luna, 24, identifies as polyamorous herself. She said her parents' relationship taught her important lessons about how to love with patience, compassion and understanding."They set an incredible example for me," Violet said. "I've learned so much through observing how they love one another.""With Delain joining our family, I have two more siblings now — more celebrations, more birthdays, more dinners," Violet said. "I call her my 'bonus mom' because she's another mom to go to. I'm in a bigger community now with so much love."However, the triad’s parents and a few of their now-former friends weren’t exactly convinced, they say.“They’ve all managed to say something offensive at some point,” she added. ......[In 2022] they created their own marriage certificate, which all five of Blanca, Delain and Phillip’s children signed as witnesses.“We all felt like this was a long-term, forever thing,” Blanca said. “It was important for us to feel like we were part of a unit.”
Polyamory AdviceFor polyamorous partners in general, the triad agree it’s important to find community with those who love and accept you.For Delain, that meant making changes so she could be open and honest about her relationship, which meant “questioning the community I was choosing to be in,” she said. “If I can’t be honest about who I love, then this isn’t where I want to be.”Phillip said he's had to dispel doubts among his peers: At first, they thought “Oh, this is just another thing that he’s doing, it’ll pass. Let’s not pay attention to it,” Phillip said. “But then they see us and our dynamic, and they go, ‘Wow, what a powerhouse trio.’ ”For Blanca, finding community meant being able to share her life with the people to whom she’s closest — without fear of shame or judgment: “I made it clear to my parents, siblings and peers that this is my family, and this is how you can accept us,” she said.“Certainly, we’ve lost friends along the way,” Blanca said. “They can go (expletive) themselves.”
● A surprisingly solid new book: Polyamory for Dummies.
Wiley's "For Dummies" series has a spotty reputation. After its early
success, critics say the publisher expanded the line too fast and quality
dropped. But if so, the long-expected Polyamory For Dummies, finally
out, looks to be a stellar exception.
That's because of its stellar author,
Dr. Jaime Marie Grant, PhD. She's a brilliant sex and relationship educator as well as a 15-year
polyamory practitioner, a researcher, podcaster, and relationship coach and proudly queer. She
was the primary investigator for America's
first national survey on discrimination against trans and non-binary
people (2011). She's now on a speaking tour.
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Jaime M. Grant |
First-look impressions: The book is large, 352 pages. It's packed with
easily findable information judging from the Introduction and Chapters 1, 2, and 3 and its very large table of contents and index. (If either link fails to load, click the "read sample" button under
the cover pictures.) I've ordered the book and will have more to say when it arrives.
●
Another new book: The Non-Monogamy Playbook: Exploring Polyamory and Open
Relationships with Confidence, by Ruby Rare. She's a well-known UK sex educator, author and podcaster. For the arrival of her latest book, the
Daily Mail published a Poly 101 she wrote and titled
it I turned my back on 'normal' relationships and now I'm happier than
ever in a 'polycule' with six sexy friends. This is my guide to
non-monogamy... (Jan. 30).
...There’s often a presumption that in straight-presenting relationships, it’s the men who initiate opening things up.
Ruby Rare
But in my experience, it’s overwhelmingly more common for women to be the ones keen to do so.* Lots of women have been empowered by the sex-positive movement to question their wants and desires. ......Rare is an ambassador for Brook, the UK-based sexual health charity, the National LGBTQ+ Partnership’s Women’s Health Week, and co-founder of life drawing collective Body Love Sketch Club.
She said: “ENM is a subject very close to my heart. It’s great to see a growing cultural interest in these less conventional relationship styles, and I can’t wait to share my professional insights and personal experiences. Expect a book that’s curious, encouraging and rooted in kindness and community.”...Hayes said: "This book will be essential reading for anyone curious about exploring consensual non-monogamy, and how to navigate multiple relationships with confidence and compassion. Ruby is such a positive and empowering role model for cultivating loving, healthy connection."
Table of contents, introduction, and Chapter 1. (If this fails to load click the "read sample" button under the cover
picture.) Her first book was
Sex Ed: A Guide for Adults
(2020).
* That contradicts a
YouGov poll in 2021
about non-monogamy interest among 23,000 U.S. adults. YouGov polls are not
throwaways despite being internet-based; they have a rep for scientific
methodology and, in elections at least, they're usually in line with live
polls.
Perhaps the contradiction is explained by a
famous poly-couples trope: The men push for it first, then
freak when faced with real people rather than fantasies. The women discover they like the real-people part, take over and make it
work.
● Is this reality? The TLC network claims big things for the first would-be committed triads on its reality show "90-Day Fiancé." TLC’s “90 Day Fiancé” is making history with the series’ first
throuple (New York Daily News, Feb. 14).
The setup:
Why does the publicity still give me a sinking feeling? Using a 90-day fiancé [K1] visa, overseas fiancés will travel to the US to live with their partners for the first time. Each couple will have just 90 days to decide to get married or send their international mate home.
From a TLC press release,
...The threesome has been dating for over a year, and now Matt, Amani and Any are looking to make their relationship permanent. To do so, however, means Matt and Amani must divorce to move forward with the K1 visa, allowing one of them to marry Any and finally bring her to the U.S. First, they will travel to Mexico to spend more time with Any's family and friends and confirm they are making the right decision in their relationship journey.
It's a classic unicorn setup, but don't judge too quick. Unicorn triads
starting with a couple sometimes do work well for all concerned
— if each person fully grasps the famous pitfalls of this
structure, if they're fearlessly clear with themselves and each other
about what they actually want and expect, and if each knows how to protect
their personal boundaries, interests, and agency while simultaneously
living from a generous heart.
Will that be these people? My bet is no. This is a reality show, designed
for drama.
● Not unrelated: Coincidentally, sociologist Eli Sheff just wrote about a
too-frequent situation she has observed where things all go wrong at
once: The Polyamorous Perfect Storm, "an interaction pattern that can spoil long-term multiple-partner
relationships."
Elisabeth Sheff
[My] Longitudinal Polyamorous Family Study has followed a group of respondents since 1996 as they raise their families in multiple-partner relationships. It focused on the well-being of children raised in polyamorous families and the ways in which polyamorous relationships impact adults across their lifespans. Among the fascinating data this study has produced, some repeated patterns of interaction have emerged in the findings. One of these is the "perfect storm."The perfect storm pattern begins with a long-term polyamorous relationship in which the partners have been together for years or perhaps decades.... It is usually their deepest, longest-term, and/or most intimate relationship.... These devoted partners often develop a pattern where they rely on each other for emotional and practical support, intimacy, and perhaps sex. If something traumatic happens in their lives or they simply have a bad day, their beloved partner is the first one they go to for support.[Example from her data:] Morgan and Kai have been polyamorous for 15 years and, while they have had their ups and downs, it has been pretty great overall. Then something bad happens to Morgan—they lose their job, hair, figure, beloved parent, mobility, or something that has a lasting negative impact. ...While Morgan is dealing with aftermath of the event, Kai meets JP and they really click, with lots of chemistry and exciting conversations. Morgan’s needs for comfort, attention, and support go up just as Kai’s attention is drawn to JP.Kai and JP ... do not mean to neglect Morgan, but they are simply captivated with each other and might fail to notice how much Morgan is hurting. Morgan then becomes increasingly upset, angry, and insecure, which makes communication even more difficult. This can be compounded if JP is somehow “better” than Morgan—at least in Morgan’s imagination. ......Another respondent had just had a baby and was feeling insecure about the changes to her body and upset with sleep deprivation. Her beloved’s new partner was a semi-professional dancer who spent hours in the rehearsal studio working out and enjoyed dancing socially. ... The new mom felt stuck and compared herself quite negatively to the dancer....Managing the AftermathDepending on how everyone handles it, the relationship might implode spectacularly, or the people involved may address the issues in an effective way that allows them to move forward together even stronger and more resilient than before. That second outcome is far more likely to happen when the people involved have deep trust in each other, great communication skills, and excellent self-soothing abilities.When things go poorly, the relationship can disintegrate completely. ...When things go well, everyone involved in the perfect storm is able to have effective conversations where they listen deeply to each other, empathize with each other’s feelings, and are able to negotiate equitable agreements that meet everyone’s needs to the greatest extent possible. ... but Morgan and Kai’s discussions are the most critical because that is the root of the issue. ...It can be especially helpful if Morgan already has a significant support network and/or other partners that can increase their support. ...
● Being a naturally
low-jealousy person certainly helps with polyamory, but it's not required. A
CNN Health podcast interviews poly/ENM coach
Dr. Joli Hamilton
about her own struggle: Jealousy is trying to tell you something. Five tips for handling it
with grace
(Feb. 17).
Audio and transcript.
“I made every mistake possible when I shifted my own relational paradigm from monogamy to polyamory 15 years ago,” she said. “I made this switch for a reason; I knew it called to me … but it hurt so much. Jealousy was a big part of why it hurts so much. And my way of getting out of problems is to study. So, I thought I have to learn my way out of this. ...”
Watch Hamilton's TedX talk on compersion.
● From the other side of the
world: Marriage Is Dead, Long Live Open Relationships? The Radical Shift in
Millennial Love. (MSN.com, Feb 12.) Picked up
from TimesLife.com of India.
Aside from the overclaiming false headline, it's an example of a decent
mainstream orientation for newcomers.
By Nikita Kanyal...The marriage rates have been consistently falling for many years, with millennials taking the forefront in remaining unmarried. ...Why? ... Divorce rates scared them off ... Financial uncertainty [versus] expensive weddings ...While marriage is on the decline, alternative relationship styles are booming. Open relationships, polyamory, and “situationships” are becoming more mainstream, fueled by social media, dating apps, and cultural shifts.– Monogamy vs. Freedom: The Great Debate...– The Case for Open Relationships...– One person doesn’t have to be your “everything”...– Fosters communication and self-awareness; non-monogamous relationships often require deep conversations about boundaries, desires, and expectations.– The Case Against Open Relationships...– Jealousy is real. ...– If you’re seeking other people because you’re unhappy, it may just be avoidance. ...– Most societies still value monogamy. Non-monogamy is still widely judged, which can create social stigma. ...Some believe this shift is just a phase, while others argue we’re witnessing a permanent transformation of modern relationships. ...
● And here's a boost for a
warning on Threads, posted by alltheroadworks:
If a man is actually "teaching you about polyamory" ethically, he'll be pointing you towards a stack of well-respected books on the topic, taking you to poly community meetups, getting you to join online poly discussion groups, and introducing you to other poly people who will tell you when he's talking shit, rather than just feeding you his own opinions. ...
Replied infinitepolyam,
If you date men and are new to polyamory or consider yourself not very experienced, please please please beware of polyamorous men who claim to have a good understanding of polyamory or have been polyamorous a long time, ready to teach you how.I’m not saying don’t date these men, but I suggest being cautious with what they tell you. If they say/do something that feels a bit off and tell you something like “That’s just how polyamory is,” please view that for the likely red flag it is.
Pass it on.
-------------------------------------------------------
Well doesn't this seem prescient now.
(BTW, get on the
50501 mailing list.)
Bolton: Trump has effectively surrendered to Putin in Ukraine
negotiations
(CNN interview). John Bolton, Trump's former national security
advisor, traveled with Trump to that subservient meeting he had
in 2018 with Putin in Helsinki.
Another of many: Trump gleefully announces he’s back to being Putin’s
lapdog
(Daily Kos).
I've ended these polyamory posts with Ukraine for almost
three years now. At first some of you didn't get it. Now that
Russia's socio-fascist, patrimonialist allies have seized power in America and elsewhere,
more of you do.
The 80-year postwar consensus is dead. We've entered a world
struggle for whether free and open societies, or brutal
illiberal oligarchies, will rule the 21st century. What's
happening in America is only a part of it; authoritarian rulers
around the world have been linking up with direct mutual support that is now stated out loud.
And the events in Washington, planned and carried out by
Americans, resemble nothing so much as a decapitation strike.
I've seen too many progressive movements die out, or get wiped
out, because they failed to scan the wider world accurately
and understand their position in it strategically. We
polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak
up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, depends on a
free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity
to create their own lives and identities, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.
Such a society is possible only where people have agency
to create their own lives without fear, combined with legal structures that
are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.
Innovative people, communities, and societies who create
their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures
and legal rights to do so safely, infuriate and terrify
the world's authoritarians.
Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other
people's freedom to choose their lives — by censorship,
intimidation, inflammatory disinformation and public
incitement, stacked courts and agencies, legal erasure,
shifts of wealth to the super-rich, and sometimes,
eventually, artillery.
For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more
pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400)
than from any other country in eastern Europe.
For those of us born since World War II this is
the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating
fascism, at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional — inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in
Ukraine. All sides worldwide now are watching what we will
do.
Background: "The United States has a much higher stake in Russia's war
on Ukraine than most people think." More: "If we stop supporting Ukraine, then everything gets
worse, all of a sudden, and no one will be talking about
“fatigue” because we will all be talking about
disaster."
The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history
we are born into. We do get to choose how we respond to
it.
Here's an easy start: Get on the 50501 email
list:
https://www.fiftyfifty.one/. It stands for 50 states, 50 protests, 1 movement. The
next action is March 4th. And join the subreddit where it
sprung up:
reddit/r/50501. USA Today article
on the who and what.
Pix. Also: Join your local Indivisible, or at least download its guide for practical
strategies and tactics.
Stop moping and buck up. Play
this, and
this, and
this, by people heading into scarier fights than you or I
will face. Eight thousand more sorted on just that one song, by
Shadow Phoenix. (lyrics)
Some people on the Western world's eastern front trying to hold onto an open society. (TW: war is
awful.) Maybe your granddad did this from a trench facing
Hitler's tanks — for you, and us, because a world fascist
movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the
way for the rest of the 20th century.
But the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years
then either. Popular history remembers the 1945 victory
over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming. Less remembered
are the defeats and grim prospects from 1939 through early
1943.
Some Americans have felt called there, because they were more able
than most. They will be remembered as brave heroes for
goodness and humanity. By comparison, the rest of us have it
easy.
Remember, the Ukrainians say they are doing this for us too.
They are correct. The global struggle between a brighter future and a fearful
revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the
21st century and the handling of all its other problems.
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PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as
the paragon of an open democratic society. For
instance, ‘A Big Step Back’: In Ukraine, Concerns Mount Over
Narrowing Press Freedoms. And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt
oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the
Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming
election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So
they're working on that. And they're stamping hard on the old culture of everyday, petty
corruption. More on that. More; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an
ownership stake in their own societies."
Wrote US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic early in the war,
Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”
They have a word there, with a deep history, for the
horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trust: hromada. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like
that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and
networks. Occasionally we succeed.
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It's this tough. "You've lived your
life — come to the front!" Army recruiting pamphlets for oldsters at a kiosk in a train station. |
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Social attitudes in Ukraine are mostly traditional, rooted in
a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But in the last
generation the ideal of modern European civil society has
become widely treasured. The status of women has fast advanced
throughout society, especially post-invasion. More than 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, not just in support
roles and as drone pilots but as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, snipers, and infantry. Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a
prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin
or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutions. Another. Another. Another. War changes things.
Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full support for them to win their
security, freedom, and future. Continue to speak up for
it. Like, right now.
A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."
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Women defenders on our world's eastern front |
Update Feb. 13, 2025: More than two years later
Vidma is still alive, still at the front, and
posting TikToks. Her mortar unit has graduated to heavy artillery. A young
girl who looks high-school age showed up to join them; another vid with her. Their lives, and their promising society, depend on us.
And maybe our own? Says Maine's independent Senator Angus King,
Whenever people write to my office [asking why we are supporting Ukraine,] I answer, 'Google Sudetenland, 1938.' We could have stopped a murderous dictator who was bent on geographic expansion…at a relatively low cost. The result of not doing so was 55 million deaths.
Labels: #Fascism, #Polyamory, #PolyamoryBooks, #polyfamilies, #throuples, #triads, books, polyfamilies, triad, TV
posted by Alan |
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