Live poly speed dating onstage. Polylegal stars in the news. Kid from a polyfamily does an Ask Me Anything; media ensues. Control freaks + ideology = poly cultism. And more...

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But first, Are you registered to vote? Have you been purged from the voter list?  It happens. To see if you can still register, or to check your registration in time to make them reinstate you, use the easy tool at vote.gov.

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Apologies for slowing down on these polynews roundups lately. I've been busy volunteering. As in, vote — against impending autocracy and theocracy, and for reproductive freedom, relationship freedom, gender freedom, human respect, and rule of law.

Which now means, perhaps sadly, every D on the ballot.

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To start with something light, and as a reminder of things we can still do without fear, 

●  A theatrical twist on speed dating: A night at ‘Poly Poly Oxen Free,’ Brooklyn’s new polyamorous dating show (The Gothamist, Oct. 22) 

On a recent Tuesday night in Williamsburg, an audience of around 80 people gathered in the Brooklyn Art Haus theater for “Poly Poly Oxen Free,” an evening of polyamorous fun.

On stage, Rose Oser, the host and founder of the event, thanked the local sex shop Shag for sponsoring the show.

“We’re bringing you the hottest, most emotionally stable poly people in Brooklyn,” [host and founder Rose] Oser told the cheering crowd.

Next, Paige Emerson introduced her primary partner Marquis Cunningham to the audience, pitching his strengths (thoughtfulness, an impeccable fashion sense, and silliness) with the assistance of a PowerPoint presentation. Her goal? To help him find other people to date.

Part entertainment, part performance art, part dating event, Poly Poly Oxen Free happens once a month in either New York or San Francisco.

Each live show features “the Catch,” who already has one partner and is looking for more. The Catch’s current partner acts as their wingperson, pitching them to the audience, followed by three or four contestants in the “Poly Pool,” who pitch themselves to win over the Catch.

...“A lot of polyamory narratives are focused on jealousy in some way and the heightened feelings that could come up with some polyamory dynamics,” Oser said in a phone interview. Their event aims to create “positive representations of polyamory."

The show’s name is a riff on the line from children’s games, “olly olly oxen free,” and is intended as a call to poly folks to come out and play. True to its spirit, the audience hooted and cheered throughout the night in rousing support of the contestants on stage.

...Oser said there has been a steady rise in the number of applications for contestants on the show. The latest Brooklyn show had around 50 applicants, with just six selected as participants.

“It’s about normalizing polyamory and showing that people of all genders and racial identities are practicing polyamory right now,” Oser said. “Polyamory can be a very easy and fun way to relate to people. It’s about allowing audiences to imagine themselves in it, too.”

...Throughout the pitches, the members of the audience — some of whom were current partners of the people in the Poly Pool — cheered them on.

...The next Poly Poly Oxen Free show will be at Brooklyn Art Haus on Nov. 14. Tickets are $25.

●  New England's largest newspaper recently hosted a "Globe Summit" panel discussion with members of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition (PLAC) and the leading poly voice on the Somerville City Council. Q&A: What does the reality of an open relationship look like?  "Meredith Goldstein hosted a panel discussion on polyamory and the future of relationships in Massachusetts."

Useful to know these inside perspectives.

Goldstein sat down with... [from left] Kimberly M. Rhoten, co-founder of Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition; Alexander L. Chen, founding director of LGBTQ+ Advocacy Clinic at Harvard Law School; and Willie Burnley Jr., Somerville City Councilor At-Large. Together, they discussed what polyamory looks like, how it intersects healthcare and policy issues, and the impacts of the ordinance. 

Can you explain what “polyamory” means and the concept of open relationships?

Kimberly M. Rhoten: Polyamory is a kind of consensual non-monogamy in which an individual engages in multiple relationships with other folks — and those relationships can be romantic, sexual, and/or intimate, they don’t have to be all three — with the full consent and knowledge of their other partners.

Alexander L. Chen: There’s a distinction between people who engage in consensually non-monogamous practices, which can be lots of different terms and labels that people use in different places, and polyamory specifically, which is … part of how you organize your life.

What does the reality of polyamory look like?

Willie Burnley Jr.: I think a lot of people, when they approach the concept of polyamory or non-monogamy in general, there’s an immediate reaction that it’s all going to be threesomes and rainbows. And sometimes it is threesomes and rainbows, but a lot of times it’s more like board game nights and a lot of Google Calendar work to find time to meet up with everyone. It is just as mundane as any other relationship structure, except that it brings in more people. And with that comes logistical challenges at times, but in some cases, a lot more support and love.

...What rights does the [Somerville domestic partnership] ordinance allow?

Rhoten: We can only take things as far as municipal jurisdiction allows. Underneath domestic partnerships in Somerville and in Cambridge and in other jurisdictions, you have hospital visitation rights, you have jail visitation rights, you have ease of access to your shared children at your schools in that jurisdiction. There are other rights that are embedded in that.

However, municipalities do not govern health insurance. ...And so for some sort of change at that level, you would have to be looking to the state. That said, private employers, it is at their discretion.

Did you face pushback at the municipal level? And what public reactions have you seen since it passed?

Rhoten: It’s just really been overwhelming interest and support. Yes, of course, some of the hypersexualization, some of the intense stigmatization, but in general, really just interest. I think at the end of the day, people are recognizing discrimination in whatever form is bad, and also wherever people can find joy at this time, in this moment, you should find joy. As long as everyone is based on consent, we are here for that. These ideas of creating this like communities of care, I think is really relational.

Burnley: Both when we passed the ordinance and when I see people learn about it for the first time, we get a slew of people who say, I want to move to that community. I want to be a part of a place that actually recognizes my family and my inherent value and supports me. 

Chen: To be honest, part of why I think the reaction has been uniformly positive is the jurisdictions we’re working in and the politics of those jurisdictions. I do think that if we continue to get wins and pass legislation, and it moves to the state level, absolutely there will be political pushback. … At the end of the day, I think we are in this overall conversation as a nation about what is a family? What is a legitimate family? What is a family we should get behind? What is the social consequences of that type of family?

The topic of domestic partnerships is still often discussed in the context of romantic relationships. How would you shift the conversation?

Rhoten: If have we look at Pew Research Center data that’s come out over the last couple of years … we’re seeing a rise in unmarried parents who are raising children, stepfamilies that are being created, multigenerational households, people living with roommates... and platonic partnerships, and so many other differing types of family formations. … I think we have to start thinking about the ways that we can… focus on: How can we create a community of care? How can we support that through our legal system?

Chen: I think that you can think of this work, funnily enough, as bipartisan. Because actually we’re not saying we want the state to take more of a role to take care of us. We’re saying we want to take care of each other. We would like the state to make it easier and cheaper and incentivize it.

Burnley: Personally, I feel like the communities that we have built together in Somerville of mutual care, of interdependence, they were built a lot around — in this period of massive social upheaval, massive economic upheaval... “The federal government is not here for me. My community is barely making it by economically, but how can we come together to support each other?” And I find that the polyamorous world is very similar to that. It is people who come together and say, “How can we make sure that this person is taken care of? How can we form a unit of mutual support that is going to drive us all forward?” 

The interviewer, Meredith Goldstein, is the Globe's popular "Love Letters" columnist who covered the passage of Somerville's non-discrimination ordinance in March 2023 and later named Somerville "Polyamory City." Clearly she thinks the poly world is onto something important.

● My last post featured substantial profile of poly book author and therapist Jessica Fern. Others such authors are in the news. For instance, 

   – Laura Boyle, who's on a book tour for her new Monogamy? In This Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, got into the New York Times. It included the book in their 6 Books About Nonmonogamy, Recommended by Therapists (Oct. 16).

   – Martha Kauppi, author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients), got written up in Wisconsin's second-largest newspaper: To Madison therapist Martha Kauppi, love is love — and consensual non-monogamy is a workable option (Wisconsin State Journal, Oct. 7).

It's paywalled. Here are bits:

By Emilie Heidemann

...Her days are mostly spent consulting with therapists from all over the world on how they can best help their clients with issues in physical intimacy and consensual nonmonogamous relationships....

There’s a gap, Kauppi said, in how well therapists are educated on intimacy and unconventional relationship structures.

What motivated you to become a sex therapist?

Most therapists don’t even get one class in sex or sexuality at all. I decided I wanted to change the world, honestly. ...

What are some of the biggest misconceptions people have about consensual nonmonogamy and/or open relationships?

The biggest misconception is that they don’t work in the long run. ...

●  In JStor Daily, the weekly newsletter of the "nonprofit library [of research] for the intellectually curious": Is Consensual Nonmonogamy a (Good) Thing? (Oct. 2)

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By Noor Anand Chawla

...Conversations around gender and sexuality are freer than ever before, and people are becoming more open about their CNM relationships. However, inherent biases may still restrict the popularity of this new wave, both in practice and in academic research. These were the observations published in a 2017 paper by Terri D. Conley, Jes L. Matsick, Amy C. Moors, and Ali Ziegler in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science.

...The authors establish their point by looking at numerous studies in which participants were tasked with rating both monogamous and CNM relationships. Their findings show that

laypeople believe that monogamous relationships are considerably more trusting, committed, passionate, and more sexually satisfying but less likely to involve jealousy than other relational arrangements. […] The perception is not merely that CNM relationships are unusual or unfamiliar and hence confusing to the perceivers; they are perceived to be dysfunctional.

To counter this belief, the authors conducted their own studies comparing people who were in monogamous and CNM relationships and arrived at this conclusion.

“Overall, the outcomes for monogamous and CNM participants generally were the same,” they write, “indicating no net benefit of one relationship style over another among people who, of course, self-selected into these relationships.” In the end, “it appears that many beliefs that the lay public hold about the quality of CNM relationships are unfounded. CNM relationships generally have equally positive relational outcomes as monogamous relationships…”

The implications of these findings are far-reaching. ... However, changing a mindset, whether in regular parlance or with respect to academic research, is notoriously difficult.

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●  And that matters. More research news: Family and friend support is key to healthier non-monogamous relationships (PsyPost, Oct. 4)

Adobe Stock

By Eric W. Dolan 

A new study published in The Journal of Sex Research highlights the role that social support plays in improving the relationship quality of individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships. Researchers found that those with a supportive social network, including family and friends, were better equipped to handle societal stigma. This support appeared to be particularly beneficial for individuals who internalized negative views about their relationships due to societal pressures favoring monogamy.

...Previous studies have shown that internalized negativity can negatively affect self-esteem and well-being in other marginalized groups. However, not much is known about how this impacts people in consensual non-monogamous relationships.

“There is substantial evidence that individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships often maintain highly functional relationships,” said study author David L. Rodrigues, vice director of CIS-Iscte at Iscte-University Institute of Lisbon. “However, research is only beginning to explore the impact of the social stigma associated with these relationship structures. My interest emerged from this contrast....

The researchers conducted a cross-sectional study involving 439 participants who identified as being in a consensual non-monogamous relationship. These participants came from 35 different countries, although most were from the American continent. The majority of participants identified as White and employed, with a slight majority being female. Around 41% identified as heterosexual, while the rest represented various sexual orientations, including bisexual and pansexual.

...The researchers found that participants who internalized negative societal views about consensual non-monogamous relationships reported lower commitment to their primary partner, disclosed their relationship agreement less often to people in their social circles, and felt less accepted by their family and friends. They also kept their relationships more secretive....

However, the study also found that social support appeared to play a significant role in mitigating these negative outcomes. Individuals who perceived more support from their family and friends were more committed to their primary partner, felt more accepted by those close to them, and were less likely to keep their relationships a secret.

“Our study suggests that social support plays a critical role in mitigating the adverse effects of stigma among individuals in consensual non-monogamous relationships,” Rodrigues told PsyPost. 

...One of the key limitations is its cross-sectional design, meaning that the researchers could not establish cause-and-effect relationships. Future research could use longitudinal methods to track these processes over time and explore how they evolve. ... “Employing a longitudinal approach will be essential for disentangling these factors and clarifying the roots of internalized negativity [said Rodriguez]. ...

The study, “Perceived Social Support Buffers the Consequences of Internalized Negativity Among Individuals in Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships,” was authored by David L. Rodrigues, Thomas R. Brooks, Rhonda N. Balzarini, and Amy C. Moors.

●   Kids of Polyamory department. A grown child who grew up in a triad household, now age 20, took questions about it on Reddit's Ask Me Anything. Buzzfeed picked it up: 14 Eye-Opening Confessions From A Woman Who Was Raised By A Throuple (Sept. 29). 

...She wrote, "I often have people ask questions about my parents, and I usually enjoy answering them, so I thought this would be fun as I'm bored...."

Her post got over 900 comments, and she took the time to answer tons of questions about her experience. ...

1. One user asked, "What are the pros and cons of a polygamous relationship from the children’s POV?"

The OP [Original Poster] replied:

"Pros:

• There's more parents to be there for you and to defend you.

• It's very unlikely all three will be working at the same time so there's always someone to go to.

• Some people think it's super cool (actually how I made one of my friends).

• If you think a punishment was too harsh, there's two more parents that can reason with your other parent.

• It's more love to go around.

• As they all have careers, it's extra income, which means we can have more fun holidays.

• Polyamorous parents are much more likely to accept situations beyond the societal norm. When my brother came out as gay, they didn't care.

Cons:

• Not having a relationship with grandparents because they don't accept it.

• It can be hell remembering which parent had a certain story/liked a certain thing.

• I regularly mix up names when talking to Mom or Mama and call them by the other's name.

• Bullying.

• If two break up but both still want to stay with the other person, it could be an awkward situation for everyone involved, including the kids.

I'm sure there's more for both pros and cons, but that's all I can think of right now."

Read on. Here's the whole AMA.

●  Sometimes your metamour ends up better than your shared partner as a soulmate. Elle publishes How the ‘Other Woman’ Became One of My Best Friends (Sept. 30). 

"I forced myself to try polyamory because I didn’t want my boyfriend to break up with me. I lost him in the end—but gained one of the most important relationships of my life."  

●  To follow that poly in church roundup in my last post: Religion News Service presents a long, straightforward report, Polyamorists look for their place in church as the practice loses its taboo (Sept. 9).

Parts of it:

For polyamorous clergy and Christians, ‘love is love is love.’

Pixabay / Creative Commons

By Kathryn Post

(RNS) — In May 2023, Kerlin Richter, then a priest at an Episcopal Church in Portland, Oregon, attended an adoption ceremony that legally recognized her baby’s three parents. The event, featuring a large, celebratory danish pastry and a Mary Oliver poem, was a step toward formalizing Richter’s family, which includes her husband with whom she has an adult child, and her partner, with whom she had a baby in February 2023. 

Soon after, eager for advice on how to disclose the shape of her family to her congregation, Richter, 46, spoke to her bishop. But in June, her bishop gave her a choice: return to monogamy or renounce her ordination vows.

“This is just the shape of my family,” said Richter, who, after experiencing a yearlong church investigation she called “abusive,” ultimately renounced her ordination in June. “We have a really sweet baby who has a mama, a daddy, a papa, a couple of great siblings. And I don’t see how any of that should prevent me from being priest.” Richter’s bishop declined to comment for this story. 

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As polyamory gains visibility in the broader culture, it remains enough of a taboo in most Christian denominations that they lack explicit policies. In the most progressive of these denominations, people in or exploring these relationships, which involve emotionally intimate, often sexual, relationships with more than one person, are weighing in.

Earlier this year, an Episcopal Church task force submitted two resolutions intended to generate discussion of “diverse family and household structures” in the church. Neither resolution — one would have prompted a study of the topic, and the other would have offered limited disciplinary protection for clergy and laity who disclose alternate family structures — advanced at the church’s triennial meeting in June. In addition to Richter, at least two other non-monogamous Episcopal priests have renounced their ordination vows due to tensions between their church roles and family structures.

In 2023, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada’s Court of Appeal declined to suspend a minister in a polyamorous relationship because its bylaws don’t explicitly prohibit it. Months later, ELCIC delegates voted to create national resources to support conversations that include “ethical non-monogamous relationships.”

Conversations about polyamory have begun, too, in Unitarian Universalism, a faith group that has Christian roots but rejects dogma and includes people of all beliefs. The denomination-sponsored sexuality education program includes a workshop for parents about polyamory. That curriculum has also been used by members of the United Church of Christ, whose Open and Affirming Coalition is hosting a workshop on polyamory at its national gathering in late September of this year.

“Non-monogamy is probably more present in your life than you think it is,” said the Rev. Tori Mullin, a national staff person for the United Church of Canada who spoke to RNS in their personal capacity. Non-monogamy, Mullin pointed out, can include an aging person seeking a companion while caring for a spouse with memory loss or a young person dating multiple people at once.  

Such relationships aren’t unbiblical, Mullin said, as the Bible doesn’t offer one cohesive model for Christian families. The Hebrew Scriptures often depict non-monogamy as a social safety net, and Jesus emphasized “ethical relationship in community and care for the marginalized,” said Mullin.

...Still, for most Christians across the theological spectrum, polyamory isn’t compatible with their beliefs. ..

●  A long Poly 101 you might bookmark to help explain to people: What Is Polyamorous Dating? And Why Is It Suddenly Trending? by Lexi Inks (Dating News, Oct. 9). With links to her other good, explanatory articles.

Monogamy isn’t for everyone. ... The lessons I learned in my last poly relationship and the ways that I grew as a person have been phenomenally enriching. Being non-monogamous required me to confront my insecurities, come to terms with jealousy, and embrace independence. ...

Key Factors of Poly Relationships

Polyamory exists on a spectrum. Similar to the LGBTQ+ community, there are so many ways that non-monogamous folks can identify and form relationships. This can make it difficult to pinpoint one universal definition of the term, but there are some common characteristics that are found in most poly relationships. 

More Than One Partner

The prefix “poly” implies many and “amorous” implies love, so poly people are often referred to as having “many loves.” No matter if they’re mostly sexual or largely romantic in nature, a key facet of this style of ethical non-monogamy is that people in the lifestyle have multiple partners. 

Dating multiple people is tricky.

These relationships may have very different levels of commitment or involvement, but relationship experts say polyamory is distinguished by its focus on more than just physical intimacy. 

“Non-monogamy can include everything from couples who go to a sex club and invite others, all the way to polyamorous people who have several lovers,” psychologist and sex expert Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey said in a previous interview. “The crucial difference when you’re looking at all forms of non-monogamy compared to polyamory is that emotional intimacy may not be present.”

Emotional Transparency and Boundaries

In many of my relationships, but especially those that were polyamorous, my friends have always complained that my partners and I talk about our feelings way too often. While this always makes me chuckle, I completely agree with the sentiment. 

Being poly has impressed upon me the value of being emotionally vulnerable, establishing trust, and respecting boundaries in a partnership. 

Polyamorous dating certainly requires all of these elements at a higher level, because there are multiple relationships at stake. If everyone isn’t on the same page and if boundaries are being crossed left and right, things can quickly fall apart.   

Consent to Explore

In my experience with the poly lifestyle, one of the most important things I’ve learned is the importance of communication. Most monogamous couples need to practice healthy communication to maintain a positive and mutually fulfilling connection. In polyamory, there’s almost a need to overcommunicate with your partners. 

Embrace radical honesty

Fostering an open environment that welcomes vulnerability and honesty can prevent hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and conflict from popping up within any of your partnerships. ...

This also translates to the concept of consent. If you and your monogamous partner want to explore non-monogamy, it’s crucial that you both enthusiastically consent to the arrangement. I can say with confidence that if one partner is much more excited about the idea of trying polyamory than the other, opening up the relationship is almost guaranteed to end in disaster.

Types of Polyamorous Arrangements

  – Hierarchical Polyamory...

  – Solo, Triad, or Quad...

  – Kitchen Table vs. Parallel Polyamory...

Benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamous Dating

  – Joining Poly Groups & Swinger Communities...

  – Freedom to Find New Love...

Having a Healthy Dialogue...

Talk about everything...

Overcommunicating is the best and safest way to ensure that nothing goes unsaid and that you both are on the same page about where your relationship or polycule stands. 

Especially at the point when you have multiple relationships, interconnected or otherwise, everyone needs to be in the loop and ensure that all parties are feeling safe and empowered with the necessary information.  

Drawbacks & Complications 

  – Social Stigma & Misconceptions...

  – Navigating Jealousy & Trust Issues...

  – Difficulty Finding Partners...

Perspectives of Poly People...

Poly Dating Creates New Standards of Trust...

●  A provocative piece: The Cult of American Polyamory (Medium, Oct. 13). Because there's nothing so good that even a small number of shamers, ideologues, and control freaks can't turn it into something awful.

By Nathan Amthor

...At its best, [poly] promotes the values of freedom, emotional openness, and consensual relationships....

However, as the practice has gained popularity, particularly in the U.S., certain polyamorous communities have developed their own literature, rules, and expectations — transforming what was once a fluid and open practice into something more rigid and, in some cases, resembling cult-like behavior. What should be an exploration of individual and relational freedom is, for some, turning into a system of conformity, where deviation from accepted norms is met with judgment or exclusion.

As polyamory has evolved, so too have its guiding frameworks. Pivotal works like The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Polysecure have provided valuable tools and insights for navigating multiple relationships. But in some circles, these ideas have been transformed from guiding principles into dogmatic rules. This shift often results in groupthink and a hyper-focus on doing polyamory “correctly,” mirroring the kind of rigid social structures that polyamory originally sought to challenge.

...A subculture of polyamorists, particularly in the U.S., has taken what should be a practice of freedom and openness and turned it into something restrictive. They’ve developed literature, rules, and even punishments for those who don’t align with their strict definition of polyamory. While works like Polysecure by Jessica Fern offer valuable insights, they’ve sometimes been interpreted too rigidly, turning flexible frameworks into inflexible rules that leave little room for personal variation.

It’s frustrating to see how something meant to liberate people from traditional relationship structures has, in some circles, become another form of control. This rigid system stifles nuance and personal expression, turning what was meant to break boundaries into yet another structure that punishes nonconformity.

Why do we keep doing this? ...

Cult-like tendencies within American Polyamory...

Rigid Rules and Protocols...:

Gatekeeping...

Groupthink... 

Conformity Over Individuality...

Shaming and Punishments...

Lack of Nuance...

Isolation From Outsiders...

Idealization of Leaders or “Experts...

Uniform Definitions of Success...

Pressure to Convert...

The Hyperreality of Polyamorous Groupthink...

As polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy continue to grow in popularity, it’s essential to remain vigilant about how we practice and evolve these ideas. No relationship model — whether polyamory, monogamy, or anything in between — should be reduced to rigid rules that limit personal autonomy or stifle individuality. Instead, we must encourage critical thinking and allow each person the space to discover what works best for them, free from external pressures or imposed ideals.

True personal freedom in relationships comes from recognizing and respecting the vast diversity of human needs, desires, and experiences. ... By fostering an environment where personal autonomy is valued, we can build communities that genuinely support individual growth and relationship diversity. ...

●  An excitable tabloid runs a stupid headline and lead. Does their marketing department require headlines to be off kilter? Forget throuples: The new daring dating trend is the polycule... (The UK's Daily Mail, Oct. 4)

Gone are the days when a romantic relationship involved a partnership of two. 

Now, you've the choice of a throuple, a non-monogamous arrangement, or the latest trend in modern dating... a polycule.

...One example is the house where 33 year-old Craig Williamson lives in Newcastle-Under-Lyme. ...

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Meanwhile, as the situation grows more serious. . .

    

Here is why I've been ending posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine: I've seen too many progressive movements die out, or get wiped out, because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically. 

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society, religion, and nation. Because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have reasonably good power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now linking up with direct mutual support that is increasingly stated out loud.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, stacking courts, and sometimes, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, linking up at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional — inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. The whole world is watching what we will do about it, starting with China with its eyes on Taiwan.

Background: "The United States has a much higher stake in Russia's war on Ukraine than most people think."  More: "If we stop supporting Ukraine, then everything gets worse, all of a sudden, and no one will be talking about “fatigue” because we will all be talking about disaster."

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we are born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. 

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Another version. More? Some people on the eastern front trying to hold onto an open society. (TW: war is awful.) Maybe your own granddad did this from a trench facing Hitler's tanks — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 20th century.

But the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years then, either. Popular history remembers the 1945 victory over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming. Less remembered are the defeats and grim prospects from 1941 through early 1943.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, ‘A Big Step Back’: In Ukraine, Concerns Mount Over Narrowing Press Freedoms (New York Times, June 18, 2024). And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on that. And they're stamping hard on the old culture of everyday, petty corruption.  More on that.  More; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Wrote US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic early in the war, 

Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”

They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trust: hromada. It's what's been keeping them going to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

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Social attitudes in Ukraine are mostly traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But in the last generation the ideal of modern European civil society has become widely treasured. The status of women has fast advanced, especially post-invasion. More than 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — including as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, snipers, and infantry. Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutions. Another. Another. Another. War changes things.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full material backing for as long as it takes them to win their security, freedom, and future. Continue to speak up for it. Like, right now.

                                     

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."

Women defenders on our world's eastern front

PPS:  U.S. authori-tarians, such as Sen. Ted Cruz, say that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the story of one of their battles near Bakhmut.

Update Nov. 1, 2024: Two years later Vidma is still alive, still with her mortar unit, still at the front, and posting TikToks.  A young girl who looks high-school age showed up to join them. Another vid with her. Their lives, and their promising society, depend on us. 

And maybe our own? Says Maine's independent Senator Angus King,

Whenever people write to my office [asking why we are supporting Ukraine,] I answer, 'Google Sudetenland, 1938.' We could have stopped a murderous dictator who was bent on geographic expansion…at a relatively low cost. The result of not doing so was 55 million deaths.

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