Poly leaders tell Self mag, "What It's Like to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship"

Self magazine ("wellness you can trust") a few months ago profiled some notable figures in the poly movement: Page Turner, Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Kitty Striker. First, some broader intros from me:

Page Turner (get it?) is an alternative-relationship coach and serious author who recently published Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory and A Geek's Guide to Unicorn Ranching, a little book of advice for clueless but well-meaning couples. Her third book, Dealing with Difficult Metamours, is due out this spring. She shows a professional writer's discipline in publishing, for two years now, an essay a day on her website Poly.Land, "your daily polyamory blog for navigating life, relationships, and more." At the Beyond The Love poly con last fall, I watched her and her husband Justin Case run a first-rate audience-participation workshop: "Boundary-Setting in Polyamory: First Degree, Second Degree, and Beyond." Expect to see a lot more from them at such events.

Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack run the popular Multiamory podcast. They started it following Dedeker's well-meaning debut as a public poly activist on Fox's Utopia reality show in 2014. The series turned out to be a cynical setup quite unsuited to her, and it died a quick death. Unbowed, the three set out to speak to the world on their own terms. Multiamory, now in its 153rd weekly episode, has become an important face of the poly movement. In 2017 Dedeker published The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory.

Kitty Stryker (NSFW site) says she's "a freelance writer, antifascist activist, and queer sex educator who has been working specifically in the realm of consent for 6+ years. I've got bylines at Buzzfeed, Vice, Wear Your Voice, Ravishly, the Frisky, the Guardian, and much more, as well as being published in a variety of books ranging in themes from fat activism to the inauguration protests to my experiences as a sex worker. I’m also helping some activist Juggalos by serving as a street medic.... I lead an interesting life." Including being a presenter at poly and BDSM conventions. Two months ago Thorntree Press published Ask: Building Consent Culture, an anthology of essays she assembled.

The Self article (which you probably missed when it was at the grocery checkout counter) captured only a bit of these characters, but it's a nice little 101:

By Anna Davies
What It's Like to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship

Meet my wife…and her boyfriend.

By Anna Davies

...[Poly] relationships, too, can vary. Some polyamorous individuals see all their partners as equal; others may have a “primary” partner who they may live with, split bills with, or consider their emotional anchor, and then have secondary people they date and commit to, according to terms laid out between the individual and his or her primary.

But one thing is consistent: Polyamory is all about respect, open communication, and the ability to live love on terms that work for the people involved in the relationship. Here, three polyamorous individuals explain how it works for them, and clear up some common misconceptions people may have about the lifestyle.

Kitty Stryker, 33
San Francisco

Married with a boyfriend

Since she was a teenager, Stryker identified as polyamorous — and has practiced it throughout various relationships. ... Now Stryker is married to a trans woman, whom she has been with for four years, and has had a boyfriend for one year. While her wife and her boyfriend are not partners, Stryker says that they are all friends. “It’s different for everyone, but for me, it’s essential that everyone get along. It avoids a lot of clashing when everyone can directly communicate.”

Stryker jokes that polyamory is “a romantic relationship that works for people who like spreadsheets,” adding that there’s a lot of planning to make sure everyone is on the same page. “I’ll think of the week, and be like, OK, when do I want a sleepover with my boyfriend? It’s not necessarily spontaneous.” And Stryker admits it’s not for everyone. Stryker, the coeditor of Ask: Building Consent Culture, says that couples who may be intrigued try starting slow. “Even seeing your partner platonically cuddling someone else, what does that mean or bring up for you?” asks Stryker. “I think taking small steps to open up a relationship, and frequently checking in with each other, is key.”

Page Turner, 36
Cleveland

Married while dating other men and women

When Page Turner and her first husband decided to open their marriage over a decade ago, they had a frank heart-to-heart, realizing that the decision might cost them their marriage. Turns out, it did — but she doesn’t have any regrets. “When we opened up the marriage and began meeting other people, we realized the best thing for both of us was to let each other go,” says Turner, who remarried five years ago. Now, Turner ... actively dates other men and women but considers the relationship between herself and her second husband to be her “primary.” For her, that means the two live together, split household expenses and chores, and create the terms of what polyamory means to them.

“For us, there’s a huge difference between fidelity (being sexually exclusive to just one person) and loyalty (supporting and being honest to another person). And I think people outside the polyamorous community may not understand that the two aren’t necessarily the same thing.”

To maintain their emotional bond, Turner and her husband developed a system: The pair subscribed to a monthly wine club where they got four bottles of wine delivered to their door; they promised that, no matter what, they would drink the wine together by the end of every month. “Those are our emotional check-in times, when we talk about what’s working, what isn’t, and what we need from each other,” explains Turner....

Jase Lindgren and
Dedeker Winston
San Francisco

Together four years, dating other partners

Winston and Lindgren don’t use the term “primary” and feel that each of the relationships they maintain is unique, different, and just as committed as the one they have to each other. “To me, polyamory isn’t something practiced by a couple, but practiced by individuals,” says Lindgren. “Swinging and certain types of open relationships center around a couple. But in polyamory, it’s an individual committing to other individuals, allowing each relationship to naturally find it’s own depth and intimacy.”

Lindgren and Winston also want to dispel the myth that polyamory is in some way “selfish.” “Having multiple partners requires a lot of commitment — commitment to being the best possible partner, commitment to being honest and proactive in my communication, commitment to putting care and investment into each relationship,” says Winston. ...

As Lindgren explains it, a successful polyamorous relationship depends on all partners being on the same page. ... “In my experience, the most successful polyamorous relationships are the ones that have the fewest rules and limitations. That way the focus is on each person doing things to make their partner happy rather than focusing on 'not breaking rules.’ But that said, some ground rules, especially regarding sexual safety, are a smart strategy and relatively commonplace in polyamorous relationships.”

And at the end of the day, a polyamorous relationship has more similarities than differences to a monogamous relationship. “Any functioning relationship requires dedicated effort, time, and energy — no matter how many people are involved,” reminds Winston. ...

The whole article (online June 7, 2017).


--------------------------------

● Many more profiles of poly movers-and-shakers!

If you've read this far you really want to browse Poly Role Models, Kevin Patterson's ongoing interviews with significant people in our movement. He's been building this collection for almost three years now. Also in the series are Poly Origin Stories and Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships. The site is definitely worth your time.

[Permalink]

Dedeker Winston, the poly character on Fox's "Utopia" reality series

Heads up; the thing we feared would happen is gonna happen, starting tomorrow (Sunday Sept. 7) at 8 p.m. Eastern. But it could be interesting, because it turns out we have a would-be heroine in the fight. Can she outsmart the fight being rigged?

Earlier this summer, casting directors for a new Fox reality show came poking around the polywebs looking for someone to fill a precisely defined role. Wrote one:

I'm casting a documentary series on a major TV network that will air in the fall featuring 15 Americans from all different walks of life coming together to form a new society. They are still looking for the last cast member and this is who they would like:

1. A single woman in her 20s who is polyamorous.

2. They would like a woman who can break down the negative stereotypes about women and polyamory (for example: "a man who sleep with many is a stud, a woman is considered a slut").

3. There is compensation for being on the show.

4. This is a major network show with a lot of credibility and they are looking for the right person to fit this description, not an actress.

Another casting agent working the same assignment wrote,

Fox is specifically interested in a woman who strongly believes in plural marriage or celestial marriage and wants a platform to help dispel the misconceptions and educate our viewers on it.

In the Polyamory Leadership Network discussion that sprung up, the consensus was that Fox was designing Utopia to turn into Lord of the Flies — the purpose of a reality show is drama, not boring harmony — and that the rules of the setup would pit the characters against each other like rats in a shaken cage. Said Sarah Taub of the Network for a New Culture (with long experience building actual intentional community), "It’s hard enough for people with a shared vision and good community skills (communication, boundaries, emotional management skills, curiosity about others, functional group decision-making processes, etc.) to create a successful intentional community. With 15 random people, chosen by the producers for maximum drama … this show should be called “Hell” or “No Exit”, not “Utopia.” "

I floated the idea, only half jokingly, that someone with the right specs could apply for the slot, get accepted, stall signing as long as possible, then drop out just before camera time so the hot-polyamorist role would go unfilled.

Didn't happen. Instead they found Dedeker Winston, at right: a 26-year-old belly dancer and nude model from LA with the looks, body, and camera presence to drive prime-time ratings. But we may have lucked out — she seems to be smart, confident, articulate, and she really gets poly. Her smarts show pretty well in this interview with Cosmopolitan that just appeared (with that photo), but we see her more clearly on her own Multiamory podcast that she and two partners have begun producing, below:

Episode 1 of their podcast, the only one up so far, is damn good: Five Myths about Polyamory. It's 41 minutes long. Their summary of it:

In our very first episode of the Multiamory podcast we decided to compile a list of the five biggest and most common myths that we come across when talking to people about polyamory. In addition to busting these myths we discuss some personal stories about being poly and drop some hints about upcoming episodes.

The 5 myths:

1. Polyamory is just about sex.

2. If you found "the one" you wouldn't need to be polyamorous.

3. Polyamory is a way of avoiding all the hard work of a committed relationship.

4. Polyamory is only for people who don't get jealous.

5. One gender or group has an easier time being polyamorous. (Men, women, singles, couples, etc)

Thanks so much for checking us out. We hope you enjoy it!

Multiamory was created by Dedeker Winston, Emily Matlack, and Jase Lindgren

On their Multiamory site, she says that she is

"a strong advocate for polyamory and progressive thinking. She believes everyone should be able to live proudly and practically in alternative lifestyles, and is a public example and role-model for this way of living. You can see her on Fox's new show Utopia, where she is hoping to spread awareness of polyamory."

Here she tells more about her fit to the role in the show, and about her poly life and poly-awareness goals:



Excerpt:

When I found out what they were looking for — it described me 100% to a T. They wanted someone who was polyamorous, someone who wanted to create a new society, who wanted to be a voice for kind of the next sexual revolution and the next emotional liberation, and that's completely my m.o. I couldn't not contact them, basically, when I saw that.

Here is a clip from a Utopia camera of her lounging in a hammock on the compound with two other cast members and explaining what poly means to her:



Her hashtag is #PolyandProud.

----------------------------------


Fox is telling the public that Utopia is completely unscripted, that the 130 hidden and unhidden cameras merely observe, and that no production crew is onsite at any time.

Well, maybe not really. The show is a copy of the successful Dutch Utopia series that's being run by the same rules in the Netherlands, and I found something interesting. A person who claims to have been in on the Dutch Utopia told how the directors did the cage-rattling:

In the Dutch version, there is a room with a microphone where they can push a button and talk to the people 'behind the scenes', who are not on the terrain themselves. The viewers however don't get to see/hear these conversations. Originally this was [described as being] intended for when the participants really needed help (they can ask for a consult with a psychologist for example). But as the show progressed, it became clear that there was much more 'steering' going on in some situations than they wanted people to believe.

People are often called to this room, for all kinds of reasons (for example when [someone is] trying to cut down a tree that isn't allowed, or discussing things they don't want the viewers to know). Other times people come out of the room and start certain conversations or take certain actions (in order to continue some 'storyline' for example).

Hence it sometimes is unclear whether or not certain actions or ideas or what not are coming from the participants themselves or not. And having a room in which conversations take place that are not recorded/shown does not help that situation.

I hope Dedeker understood what she was walking into, and the rules she will have to work under (including, no doubt, a terrifying nondisclosure contract). When she is called into The Room, I hope she uses all her wits with the cage-shakers and can be strong with her "No." Even if it means getting vanished from the show and perhaps losing her accumulated pay. I admire her drive to represent us well, but it'll take all the smarts and character she can muster.

-------------------------------------


Here's the show's official site, including its profile of Dedeker with a video clip. Definitely prime time.

The show is getting heaps of advance publicity this weekend. For instance at Entertainment Weekly: Fox's 'Utopia' cast already naked, weird -- and drawing 1 million views (online views that is).

TV Guide: 6 Reasons Fox's Utopia Could Be Amazing (Or a Total Disaster).

From an article at Cinema Blend:

Fox's New Reality Show Utopia Already Seems Like A Disaster

Fox’s latest reality series, Utopia, hasn’t even premiered yet, but it’s already proven to have a slew of problems. On Tuesday, a 25-year-old contestant going by the name Hex had to be taken to the hospital due to a severe case of dehydration.... The news comes just days after fellow contestant Andrea Cox was kicked off the show due to sneaking in a smartphone and researching the other contestants....

Honestly, Fox has invested a lot in Utopia. Stars have been signed on to the show for 52 weeks of hard living in the wilderness, and casting is ongoing just in case there are cell phone or health issues (also, cast members can totally be kicked off the series). It’s only Day 5 of the drama and it’s looking like Fox might have more problems to navigate than the network may have expected. If you are interested in seeing Utopia turn into a disaster, you can tune in when the show premieres....

A bit of the show's official transcript from Day 8:

8:21 p.m. - Red confronts Amanda because The Utopia State of Freedom (aka Red and Dave) felt cheated that she only returned four bananas to them after they gave her six. She explains that her four large bananas equals the six tiny bananas they had originally given to her. Things escalate. Because of course they do.

8:22 p.m. - Amanda tells Dave [a black ex-con] he has an attitude. As you could imagine, this does not sit well. Dave rants about not caring about “any of y’all n******” in Utopia. Amanda walks away and moves to the main house, where she sighs to Mike, “This is not prison.” Meanwhile, Dave hisses that Amanda’s attitude will get her man hurt one day.

Get out the popcorn for tomorrow night. (It's a 2-hour opener. After that the show continues on Tuesdays and Fridays.)

Dedeker kisses Emily, Jase, and her other boyfriend goodbye as she ships out for a year on the Utopia compound.

-------------------------------

Update Sunday night: Yup, the show was a dramafest. In the first three days in Utopia, we mostly see hotheads and ditzheads, a fight and a drunken near-assault on women, a well-meaning Pentecostal pastor out to convert and baptize everyone, heaps of shouting and, let's say, low emotional intelligence.... and complete cluelessness about managing their situation.

Dedeker had no part in any of the abundant craziness. So, she got practically no camera time in the two hours of the opening show. Except we do see that she is one of the skinny-dipping women.

The Los Angeles Times reports that the show had 4.6 million viewers, which it calls a "decent" kickoff. [later revised to 5.5 million]. Update: The show lost nearly half its audience from Episode 1 to 2, report various TV sites; one notes that the show will be canceled if ratings fall short of requirements. "Watching an adult throw a violent temper-tantrum and smash cans of food because he doesn’t get his way is a waste of the format. Everything about the show is top-notch, from the concept to the execution; only the casting has failed.... The decision to cast people for conflict instead of a genuine interest in forming a new society did turn some viewers off."

Writes Willa Paskin on Slate: "Through the first two episodes, five of the eight men assembled have violent physical outbursts. The female cast members avoid the trap of being portrayed as catty and vicious; as a result, they are granted no personalities at all, just a penchant for swimming naked."

Ratings declined further for Episode 3.

A New York Observer blogger's recap of Episode 1. Of Episode 2. Episode 3.

[Permalink]