On ABC's Nightline, Carrie Jenkins and partners: "People need to see that this is a real way people live."

 
ABC's Nightline ran a 7-minute report last night featuring poly professor Carrie Jenkins, author of What Love Is: And What It Could Be, together with her husband and her boyfriend. Then they switched to footage from two other households who've been on ABC before. The segment does not assume that the audience already knows what polyamory is all about; it takes them from the ground up:



The transcript (machine-generated by ABC):

Introducing your boyfriend to your family can be stressful. Will mom embarrass you? Will dad approve? And will he get along with your husband? Yes, you heard that right, your husband. ABC's Abbie Boudreau introduces us to poly-amory.

"There's a squash." Reporter: Carrie Jenkins is very married. "Potatoes. More potatoes." Reporter: But she's getting ready to spend Saturday night with her boyfriend. Does her husband suspect?

"Hi I'm Carrie, and this is my husband Jonathan, and this is my boyfriend Ray." Reporter: We'd say he's got a pretty, good, idea. "I'm in a relationship with Jonathan, and I'm in a relationship with Ray."

They call it polyamory. Defined as a consensual romantic relationship with multiple partners. You might have thought it was just fringey people on the coast who do this, but these buttoned down Canadians beg to differ.

"We were amazed at the number of people who came to us and said, 'Thank you for saying this. We're also in an open relationship, but we haven't felt secure saying so.'" Reporter: Carrie is a tenured professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver. She met Jonathan, also a professor there. They fell in love and got married in 2011 in a Scottish castle. "I wore a white dress."

Reporter: But along with the I dos, came the I don'ts. "I don't assume that romantic love and sex are the same." Reporter: And a new set of rules that you won't find in most marriage manuals. "If I were to go and have a secret romantic relationship and not tell Carrie about it, that would be cheating in this relationship too."

Reporter: So tonight, Jonathan gets to stay home while Carrie flirts with Ray in a bar. And holds hands with him at a restaurant. And yes, that's her wedding ring, still on her finger.

"For me, the idea of being able to be with two people at once always seemed like an impossible dream. Now that I get to be with two amazing people at the same time, it feels like a dream come true. I feel like the luckiest person in the world."

Reporter: So what's in it for the men? They get to see other people too, although they admit neither is doing so at the moment.

"I consider myself open to dating people. I'm active on dating websites. I go through the world considering myself romantically or sexually available."

Reporter: Ray says there are plenty of advantages. "It's a loving relationship. I don't know if I were in a non- non-monogamous relationship, how I would answer it any differently."

Reporter: But Carrie says they're not a true triad. "Ray and Jonathan are not in a relationship with each other." Though they're not opposed to the occasional hangout. Any relationship in which all partners agree that each may have romantic and/or sexual relationships with other partners, which could range from friends with benefits, to open marriage.

"Nightline" has delved into polyamory before. There was Danny and John. Oh, yes, and Melinda, who unlike Carrie and Jonathan and Ray, actually all live together with their two kids.

So if you're not a couple, what do you call yourself? "We're a triad. Yeah, some people say triple." Reporter: They say the sex is really good. "In the very beginning, there was a lot more three people having sex together often." Reporter: But so is the extra set of hands for childcare. "It's not only about sex, it's about family, it's about working together as a team. It's about accomplishing your dreams."

Reporter: One of their dreams, having children, and they managed to do that all together too. Ella and Oliver are just five weeks apart. It's one thing to have your relationship and have it exactly how you want it. But then to bring kids into your relationship, do you feel like it's a healthy way to raise a family? "A resounding yes for me. More breast feeding, more opportunities, more team work. I can double breast feed while Melinda's making food, and Jon is, whatever it is. There's just more parental support for the children."

Reporter: And then there's John and Ian who also live together with their one child. What do you say to people who believe that your relationship and the way that you're living your life is wrong? " 'Thank you for sharing your opinion.' I mean, what else -- we're not here to convert people and tell people that monogamy and wrong. Totally V totally valid choice."

Reporter: And with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, who's to say these people might not have a point? Carrie Jenkins has written a book, challenging the notion that love requires monogamy. But what about jealousy? "I think every relationship can come with insecurity. We're humans and we're never sure about our standing."

Reporter: We saw this play out again and again in our triads. Jaya has her two lovers, but how do the men feel about each other? Would you two be friends if it wasn't for her? "I don't think we'd be hanguot buddies." "They're very different. What do you think, John?" "Way too chatty."

Reporter: But in this three-headed household, who takes charge? Do you consider yourself more the alpha dog in this family? "Uh, yes. Well, Jaya is kind of the alpha dog too." So what does that make John? "John is somebody who gets fulfillment out of being in service, doing things for people." Reporter: Is it hard to share someone that you love that much? "Ah, it can be. It can be tough."

Reporter: Five years later, Jaya, John and Ian are still together.

And then there's what they say is the social stigma. Carrie's received loads of negative feedback. "There is some sometimes vitriolic and mostly anonymous comments that I get."

Reporter: Despite criticism, Carrie and her partners say they're committed to sharing their story, for other polyamorous people who aren't able to. "People do need to understand and to see that this is a real way that people live."

Reporter: Challenging stereotypes about love. "I would like to be in my relationships forever. That would be my ideal situation." Reporter: One date night at a time. For Nightline, I'm Abbie Boudreau.

The segment's webpage (aired March 16, 2017, online March 17).

The video is also showing on Yahoo News.

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ABC News: "Polyamory on Rise Among Divorce-Disgusted Americans"

Jaiya, Jon and Ian are on quite a roll putting themselves out there media-wise. Today the ABC-TV News site uses them as the basis for a story on the rise of polyamory in general. This afternoon it was one of the four top-featured items on the ABC News homepage, along with the Virginia Tech shooting. Loving More and Robyn Trask also get some good words in.

By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
Dec. 8, 2011

Jaiya Ma has a rich life -- a successful career as a sexologist, a healthy 2-year-old and two men who have sex with her. And soon, there may be another woman who will become part of this unconventional, but loving, polyamorous family.

...The triad lives with open communication and an even more open marriage. Both men have had affairs with other women and Ferguson has now asked to bring another woman into the family.

"Jealousy comes up," Ma admits. "But we are all fairly harmonious. We are lucky that we are all have the tools and mechanisms to deal with jealousy and communication and never play the blame game."

Polyamory -- or "many loves" -- is not common, but the practice is growing, say advocates, especially among younger Americans who have grown up with a high divorce rate.

Polyamorists believe that people have the right to form their own complex relationships with multiple partners. The most vocal want the right to marry -- as a cluster.

One of the largest advocacy groups, Loving More, based in Loveland, Colo., publishes a magazine and holds conventions and retreats for the like-minded. Founded in 1985, the organization has more than 45,000 in its active database.

"We're getting ready to do a survey," said Executive Director Robyn Trask. "It's hard to gauge the number -- it's not on the census. But in the last two years, the movement has quite exploded."...

She said polyamory is not just an excuse to have "hook up and have casual sex."

"From my standpoint as a political activist, polyamory has become a blanket for things it is not," said Trask, who has a primary partner living with her in Colorado and two other men she is in love with -- one from New York City and another abroad.

...As a somatic sexologist, Ma works with other couples to heal their physical problems with sex when talk therapy has failed.

She has DVDs and two websites, Sex Is You, and How To Love Openly about polyamory. With Hanauer, she wrote a book, "Red Hot Touch".

Ma said all three partners are "pretty much straight."

"Not all three of us have sex together, for sure," she said. "But if you look at the Kinsey scale, there is no black or white. I work with women and do very somatic work. It's [about] people, that's more who I am, not necessarily gender."

Both Ferguson and Hanauer date other women, but that doesn't mean their family is free of friction.

"Ian just called me this afternoon and he has another lover and partner," said Ma. "He wants me to be more inclusive and meet her. We will have a conversation."

They have an agreement that each is not allowed to see someone else unless that person is interested in polyamory.

"Ian loves to do things that trigger me," she said. "He loves to date monogamous women and that drive me nuts -- because it sets them up for a lot of pain… he's always creating drama."

Ma also has other important rules about their relationships. "The biggest for me is safe sex," she said. "I am a total germ-a-phobe. I want to know who they are having sex with. Being a sexologist, I am hyper aware of that."

The second rule is to "check-in" with the others when another relationship arises. "It's not like we can go have sex with someone," said Ma. "There is definitely a conversation. I don't give permission -- I am not his Mom -- but let's honor and care about each other and how we feel."

Meanwhile, Ma's son Eamon is doing well with this unconventional setting.

"Within our family it's great," she said about three parents raising a child. "Oh, my god, it works well. It's amazing to watch."

So far, there isn't much research on how the children of polyamorous families fare, but Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist at Georgia State University, is conducting the first large study of these children. Her work reveals that they can thrive, if their families are stable and loving....

Read the whole article (Dec. 8, 2011). It's getting reprinted on many other ABC-related sites.

Heading the page is a 10-minute video of Jaiya talking about how she became a sex educator, shot by the family themselves at home using amateur gear. On the front page of the ABC television website. Note: If want to control how you look in the media, supply them your own pictures and video.

Among the other videos ABC offers on the story's front page is the truly excellent one of another MFM triad, Terisa Greenan, Scott Campbell, and Larry Golding, from two years ago. It's the second panel in the lower left sidebar. It really deserves a watch if you haven't yet.

And join in the comments. They could use your help.

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MFM triad tell their story on CNN's Anderson Show

A few days ago, fresh off their appearance in the November Details magazine, the vee triad of Jaiya Ma, Jon Hanauer and Ian Ferguson were bubbling about being interviewed in New York by CNN's Anderson Cooper. Cooper does a nightly news show ("Anderson Cooper 360°") and a daytime talk show ("Anderson"). He's one of the most-watched news/talk personalities on television.

Today (November 3) Jaiya, Jon, and Ian appeared on the daytime talk show telling about their MFM family, how they got together, the toddler they birthed and are raising, whether they share a bed (you knew he was going to ask that, and they were ready), and what their poly ideals are all about. The host also brought on a former date of Ian's who said it was too weird for her. They excelled when responding to an audience member concerned about their child.

Judging by the clips on the show's website (I didn't see the show broadcast), I would say they did us proud — animated, expressive, confident, fun to watch, on-message — a credit to our image. Shows like this are making the concept known and understood to the world at large. They reveal to poly people who are still isolated that they're not the only ones on Earth. And for the rest of us, I think these things are gradually making it easier to be out.

Here's the web page for the episode, with five video clips from the interview; scroll down the page. The official blurb:

Anderson talks to an extraordinary family in which the woman has two boyfriends. Anderson explores whether or not a polyamorous relationship can work when a child is involved, and the audience speaks up.

This is Episode 1039. I don't find full show anywhere online (unless you're viewing from Canada; thanx to wolf_of_thor). But the website's clips cover 7 minutes of the interview, topic by topic.

Here's a separate video the site put up, on their home life:



Also on the site are a couple of polls: Can you be emotionally connected to two people at once? and Would you date someone in a polyamorous relationship?.

And comments. Lots of comments. Go join the fun.

The show even posts a link to the triad's How To Love Openly page promoting their upcoming free video, "The 4 Keys to Transforming Jealousy." You can sign up there for their newsletter.

Next up? Look for the three on CBS's Inside Edition. No date yet.

Incidently, a commenter on Jaiya's Facebook page notes,

Most people don't know that Anderson Cooper is son of Gloria Vanderbilt -- a descendant of the Cornelius Vanderbilt who was one of the country's first multi-millionaires. She was a bit of a libertine herself, a bohemian. (Ours is not the first generation to try to take on institutionalized norms.) Anderson may have felt more affinity for you than you suspected.

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Details magazine profiles MFM poly families

Details is a macho men's style-and-fashion mag (circulation 460,000) with major gay overtones, though they might never admit it. The November issue features a six-page article profiling several MFM poly families. The approach that the editor seemed to be going for was, Who are these men who will team up with a co-husband to be with a chosen lady?

I asked several people profiled in the article what they think of how it treats them. Some cited misquotes, and one said the writer has lamented to her about the way the article was edited and cut. But first:

MODERN FAMILY

Plural relationships have gotten a bad name, thanks to lascivious cult leaders like Warren Jeffs. But there's a whole other type of multi-partner love gaining popularity: polyandry, in which a woman settles down with two or more men. It's more common than you might think.

BY ALEX FRENCH

On an unseasonably cool August Sunday morning in Topanga Canyon, just north of Malibu, a family of four arrives at the Inn of the Seventh Ray, an all-cage-free, everything-local restaurant that's typical of the neighborhood. This brunch is a welcome respite from the errands and worries that increasingly fill their days. Jaiya Ma, the center of the clan, is a 34-year-old with dark, wavy hair and caramel skin. Her life is wide open; she falls in love easily, suffers willingly. Next to her is Ian Ferguson, a thin 44-year-old with a shaved head and a goatee, feeding bits of eggs Benedict to their energetic 2-year-old son, Eamon. Ian and Jaiya have been lovers for four years. Sitting across from Jaiya is Jon Hanauer, an extremely fit 48-year-old wearing wire-rimmed glasses, who serves as Eamon's primary caretaker. He and Jaiya have been in a committed relationship for almost a decade.

They all live together just a few minutes up the hill, in an airy modern house with floor-to-ceiling windows and a view of downtown Los Angeles....

...The three of them live a lifestyle that — much of the time — isn't that different from a conventional marriage. They're one of an estimated 500,000 polyamorous families in the United States. Polyamory, which literally means "many loves," usually isn't about having sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, as nonpractitioners often assume. It can also describe relationship configurations like Jon, Jaiya, and Ian's — governed by rules, responsibilities, and expectations — which add up to a kind of de facto polygamy. The more specific term for their arrangement is polyandry, in which multiple men are with the same woman....

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Plural love is having a moment right now. That's thanks in no small part to the increasing acceptance of gay marriage: If two men or two women can get married, why can't two men get married to one woman?...

...If plural marriage is ever to gain broad acceptance, it won't be because of Mormon fundamentalists. It will be because of people like Ian, Jon, and Jaiya — affluent, educated city dwellers in mutually respectful relationships. And, indeed, some in plural relationships are adopting an activist mind-set. "We're going through right now what homosexuals went through 30 or 40 years ago," says Matt Bullen, a 42-year-old writer and married dad in Seattle who is part of a polyamorist cluster that encompasses five people and two legal marriages. "We need to start putting photos on the desk of ourselves and our partners together. When I'm out in public with my wife and my girlfriend, I need to say, 'These are my partners.'"

Matt's girlfriend, a 43-year-old filmmaker and actress named Terisa Greenan, goes further, expressing the virtues of her lifestyle in stark terms. "Polyamorous people are just smarter," she says—

"I was quoted out of context and I do not think that poly people are smarter than non-poly people," Terisa tells us.

She dates Matt but has lived with Scott Campbell, a 54-year-old classical-music dealer, for 14 years, and Larry Golding, a 54-year-old Microsoft software developer (to whom she's married for insurance and accounting purposes), for 12 years. (Matt's wife, Vee, also dates Larry.) "You've got to have a certain type of brain that's really analytical," Terisa explains. "There are more people, so you have to be able to look at each problem from many more points of view and communicate for that many hours longer."

Whatever you think of Terisa's theory, it's obvious that those in plural relationships are comfortable flouting convention. Many explained to me that humans aren't hardwired to have just one partner.

...The trick, Matt Bullen explains, is being able to ask yourself, "'Why am I happy when my partner is satisfied in any other aspect of life, but then suddenly when it comes to sex it's got to be awful feelings of mistrust?' Can you isolate it so much that it becomes like a little trapped rodent in a cage where you can say, 'See, it wasn't that scary at all'?" He claims it doesn't upset him when his wife uses their marital bed to fuck her boyfriend (and Terisa's husband) Larry. "It's just a bed," he says....

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...Mary, a 26-year-old Ph.D. candidate in economics at Boston University (who asked that her real name not be used), says she's known since she was 14 that monogamy was anathema to her. "That's when I realized that maybe it didn't make sense for me to suppress these feelings just because of a societal norm," she says. Hardly an insatiable minx, Mary claims she's "not a sexual person at all" and still lives — in a polyandrous triad — with her first boyfriend.

...Most who take part in plural relationships claim not to feel sexual jealousy. Dean, a 26-year-old software engineer in Boston, recalls being disturbed at the start of his relationship with Mary and her long-term boyfriend, Max (all three names have been changed), a 28-year-old intellectual-property lawyer, when he overheard them having sex in the next room. In time, he decided this was a selfish reaction. "Just realizing that there are times when she wants to have sex with one of us specifically makes things a lot easier," he explains. "Knowing that it balances out over time makes it easier too."

Comments Mary: "The reporter was quite friendly, seemed really bro-y (like a bro, or pretty typical guy-like), and seemed to pick up really quickly on cracks in the relationships and the dynamics of people in general, while also missing things that didn't fit with his picture if they weren't staring him in the face."

...Jaiya, who founded a successful sex-education company, is typical of the women in polyandrous triads: intelligent, self-possessed, professionally accomplished. The men, on the other hand, have typically suffered a relationship catastrophe that prompted them to seek radical change. Jon could be speaking for any of them when he recalls, "I knew in my heart that I had to find a different way to love."

Comments Matt Bullen: "I guess my opinion is that the article is interesting; and that it takes a refreshing approach in venturing moderately into seeing poly(andry) from the guys' point of view than from the female perspective. I don't think my own situation fits Alex's comment on the tendency of polyandrous men to gravitate to a certain kind of poly woman on the heels of a relationship catastrophe. I live in my own family unit with my wife and son; we/I have not really experienced any such catastrophe either in our own marriage or prior to that; and my relationship with Terisa -- admittedly a charismatic woman -- fits well with my relationship with Vee and my other family dynamics. Even so, he makes some thought-provoking points."

A potentially bigger problem for long-term polyamorous relationships is a declining libido. On nights when Ian ventures out for affairs with other women, Jaiya and Jon live an almost monastic existence. The three of them have little interaction with the Los Angeles polyamorous community.... And Jaiya and Jon's relationship has turned effectively platonic since she gave birth to Eamon; where once, Jaiya claims, they had 20-hour marathon sessions, now they have sex only for her instructional videos and classes.... They are, Ian admits, like old married people.

...Terisa reports a similar situation. "Our lives are so boring," she says. "I cook dinner. The guys clean up. We go upstairs and watch The Soup, and then we go to bed. Or the three of us go out to the movies. Or all five of us" — meaning the Bullens, too — "sit down to watch TV together. We do things as a family.

"The great thing is that the guys can go have sex with other people."

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Most men in polyandrous relationships get into them for one reason: They fall in love with the woman at the center of the triad. Few are looking for male companionship. Fewer still seek intimacy with their "metamour" — their lover's other lover. This isn't Big Love, and male polyandrists aren't sister husbands.

Although they've lived together for more than a decade, Scott describes his relationship with Larry as one of benign neglect. "We wouldn't be close friends in different circumstances," he says. "We're so different. We're perfectly cordial, but it's not common for the two of us to hang out and talk together if Terisa isn't there." Matt, Terisa's boyfriend, agrees. "I don't think I've ever been out for a drink by myself with Larry or Scott," he says. The relative distance among them, he adds, is why the arrangement works.

Max, the young lawyer, describes his relationship with Dean as being like that of stepbrothers. "We're family but not related," he says. Ian and Jon are like that too. They interact almost entirely through Jaiya and Eamon — "I get to love Ian through him," Jon says, pointing at the boy....

One Friday afternoon, Jon takes Eamon to Topanga State Park. He's scooping sand into a mound for the boy to run up and down on. "This is his athletic training," Jon says proudly. "I'd like for him to play baseball." Jon deserves much of the credit for Eamon's sunny disposition — the 2-year-old sings constantly and loves being read to. Ian matter-of-factly describes Jon as the "manny" and pays him a modest salary to look after Eamon. Jaiya says that Eamon occasionally calls Jon his "dada."

...But Jon's demeanor sometimes seems to betray a current of bitterness. When Jaiya caught baby fever soon after turning 30, she begged Jon for a child. He refused, saying he wasn't ready for fatherhood, so she turned to Wyatt (not his real name), her brash young lover at the time. Jaiya miscarried; Wyatt walked out. Later, she and Jon discussed pregnancy again, and again he demurred. "I pushed her into having other relationships," he admits. But seeing Jaiya twice pregnant by other men has stung, and Jon's time with Eamon has made him realize that he desperately wants a child of his own. But after her miscarriage and her difficult pregnancy with Eamon, Jaiya doesn't want any more kids....

Jon has one option left — to go out and find someone else.... "I'd want to move that new person in with us. I'd want to expand our family, enhance what we already have at home."

He picks up Eamon, holds him tight, and walks toward the surf. Together, they enter the water, and Eamon cackles as they take on the breakers.

Read the whole article, with photos (3,200 words; November 2011 issue).

Jaiya says she thinks the article was "pretty good. I love that a major magazine is discussing the idea that there are different types of families out there and that loving more than one person at a time is an option." But, she notes, "There were some misquotes, even things we went over two and three times with a fact checker, that still got printed wrong or sorely out of context." She writes us:

"I talked with author this morning, who is awesome by the way, and he told me that the article was different from what he wrote — as we know, editors also get hold of great stuff and change it — it was great until they edited it down and made me add a bunch of meaningless stuff.

"I did a whole article on my feedback from the Details piece [including a rundown of misquotes].

"FYI, look for us on Anderson Cooper next week — and Inside Edition — We're on a media roll! ...Jon, Ian and I have decided that we should put out our own views, knowledge and lessons we have learned over the years. We are working on a new program teaching other people how to navigate the waters of open relationships and polyamory."

This isn't the first time Details has approached polyamory; it did a much shorter bit last year. Also, three years ago a Details writer supposedly came to Janet and Sasha Lessin's World Polyamory Conference to cover it, but apparently nothing came of this.

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