*More Than Two* in the media: new roundup

More shameless cat-pic promo

I'm still waiting to see reviews of More Than Two in mainstream media by book reviewers outside the polyworld bubble. Within the bubble, people are raving about it. But a month and a half since its official publication date, I'm not seeing a breakout yet.

Meanwhile, authors Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert have reached the desert southwest in their cross-country book tour, driving a 22-year-old vehicle with an unplanned new radiator. This evening (Saturday the 11th) they're appearing at Santa Fe's Op Cit Books.


Here's a roundup of the latest non-major-media coverage.


● Rave review by Cross at xcBDSM:

I began reading the book expecting it to be good. I expected to read a lot of things that I already knew, though perhaps articulated better than I had read before.... I planned to highlight a few passages to quote in the review and say some nice things about it.

But I was wrong.

Yes, at first, much of what I read was familiar to me. But the amazing thing about this book, and why I am ready to buy a couple dozen copies to hand out to my friends, is that it truly does break new ground. There were ideas that I had never considered before, approaches that were new and interesting.

...The book could be accurately described as a tool box. Unlike previous books on the subject which focus very heavily on establishing the shape and structure of your open relationship, this book begins and ends with two very important tenets: “1. The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship, and 2. Don’t Treat People as Things.” These two axioms are repeated throughout, and the authors give special attention to all of the individuals involved. With these things in mind, they provide a wealth of tools, techniques and strategies for successfully navigating the (still) largely uncharted waters of polyamory.

The book revolves around five central themes: Trust, Courage, Abundance, Ethics, and Empowerment. These themes provide the heartbeat for the book, and while they aren’t discussed individually or explicitly... the authors [made] sure that everything they wrote reflected them....

Read the whole article (Aug. 25, 2014).


● Jessica Burde published an article on the book, including how it came about, in the unconventional-lifestyle online magazine The Plaid Zebra:

...The authors advise that couples shouldn’t go into polyamory intending to “try” it. The book lays out some solid logic in opposition [to this] — it isn’t fair to use your new partners as guinea pigs for your relationship experiments, and polyamory is a lot like skydiving. You can’t ease out of the plane, sit on the wing for a while, cling to the landing gear until you feel safe....

“When you leave that plane,” Franklin says, “there is no going back. Even if you decide poly is not for you, you may go back to monogamy, but you’re probably going to approach your relationship differently after that, and that is okay.”

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As Eve puts it,

“The early stages of a poly relationship are very hard if you are not prepared to confront that struggle and move through it. When you hit that struggle, which is going to happen, you are going to put other people at risk. And it is really worth it to sit down beforehand and discuss [how you will handle the struggle].”...

Read the whole article (undated; September 2014).


● Review in the student newspaper of the University of Texas/ Austin:

...Any time we try to create relationships outside of traditional cultural scripts, we can expect to face problems we are unprepared to solve. But what I really appreciated about More Than Two is the authors' insistence that all the tools necessary to be successful at poly are actually just relationship tools more generally....

● An audio interview at Kinxr Podcast (with the mic going live way too soon, IMO. The interview proper begins around 11:45). Length 1 hour 16 mins. Skip ahead; it gets more solid later:




● In the Santa Fe Reporter, in advance of tonight's stop on their book tour:

Three Questions (Oct. 9, 2014):

Q: Personally, what was the most enlightening part of writing this book?

A: ...For a long, long time I had written about polyamory, but I’d never actually written my own story. I had always written about the conclusions that I have drawn about how to do poly well, but I’d never written the story of my poly experiences personally. My partner Eve decided that was an important part of this book, and that was kind of an awesome experience.

● And a nice callout in the weekend arts & culture section of the Santa Fe New Mexican: Two is the loneliest number: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (Oct. 10, 2014):

...Poly is a relationship style, not a sexual practice, and many configurations exist within it. Being poly doesn’t necessarily involve group sex or anything particularly adventurous in the bedroom, although for some people it does. Poly people are also not all pagan or into New Age spirituality, and many dislike the assumption that they are naturally more emotionally evolved or open-minded than monogamous people. Successful polyamory requires that everyone in a given relationship be willing to listen, learn, and grow to sustain long-term commitments to one another — the same as in any happy, lasting relationship....

● Eve and Franklin were interviewed from Brazil for the new magazine Revista Mandala: Amor Multiplicado – Para Quem Ama Do Um (October 2014).

● A review in Russia, by a writer who must stay anonymous, on the Russian poly site polyamory.progressor.ru. Open it in Chrome, and Google Translate will offer to turn it into machine English. As cleaned up a bit by me:

Non-monogamy for normal people

Dear friends! I know that many of you, one way or another, are involved in relationships that do not fit traditional notions of monogamy — having read Heinlein, or hiked in Sinton, or under the influence of alcohol or friends, or even maybe you came to the idea independently.

I know that many of you have not just been or are involved in non-monogamous relationships, but also that you prefer not to discuss it. Or even studiously ignore it. I have often noticed from the corner of my eye (and a couple of times not the corner) an attitude toward me among friends and acquaintances as to being an abnormal pervert, because I talk about this topic, and look for information....

So, I suggest you at least think about how to read a book that was written for normal people who just consider some conventions to be limitations....

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Moreover, the second section of this book and, in part, the third, I would recommend to all people who want their relationships to be happy, even if the relationship is strictly monogamous. What it says about the obstacles to healthy communication between people and what contributes to it, I have not seen expressed in such a systematic and concise way anywhere in literature addressed to married couples, although at one time I read a lot of it....

This book, however, has a very significant drawback: it is thick and it is written in English. And it is unlikely to be translated into Russian in the coming years, especially in light of the current struggle against spiritual buckles....

● Past coverage.

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More Than Two, latest news & reviews

The shameless cat-picture sales tactic. Send them yours (see Aug. 13)

Three weeks before the official release date, here's more of the buzz that Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's book More Than Two is stirring up.

● First off, they just announced their planned West Coast fall book tour, with 18 events scheduled so far. The book's Facebook page.

● Long review of the book by Aggie on her Solopoly blog. Excerpts:

Much-needed focus on the ethics of polyamory

By aggiesez

...If you read most books on polyamory, they tend to concern structure and feelings more than ethics.

That’s a problem.... Ethics guide you on how and why you wish to behave, rather than merely acting on impulse or reflex. Ethics nudge you to consider what kind of person/partner you really are, or would like to be. Because ultimately, your most important relationship is your relationship with yourself.

Most people, even poly people, don’t think very deeply or often about relationship ethics, since doing so inevitably gets uncomfortable. That’s why it’s common for people to “wing it” with polyamory (just try stuff and see what happens), or conversely, to start from a heavily rules/rank-based approach....

In my experience, getting a grip on your own values and ethics is the most effective path to nurturing happy, stable, mutually fulfilling intimate relationships. If you want to explore poly/open relationships, I think the best way to achieve this is to grab a copy of the new primer More Than Two (You can preorder it now on Amazon.com).

...I received my review copy of More Than Two a few months ago and was immediately impressed. First of all, unlike most books about poly/open relationships, it’s not at all couple-centric. It explores poly/open relationships as something that people do, rather than something couples may indulge in. That alone makes this book fairly unique and very refreshing. (Although I think the title does make the book sound a bit couple-centric, which is a problem.)

...Chapter 3, “Ethical Polyamory,” is where the real meat of this book kicks in. Everything from here forward is premised on the authors’ two key ethical axioms:

“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”
“Don’t treat people as things.”

This neat one-two punch knocks out most of the biggest mistakes and worst behavior I’ve witnessed (and occasionally perpetrated) in poly/open relationships. Problems born of trying to prevent change, or at least too much change. Of presumptions of status, or assumptions rooted in deep-seated insecurity. Of failures of compassion and empathy. Of ignorance and lack of skill or practice. Of blatant disrespect and inconsideration. Of power, control, weakness and cowardice. And of abuse.

…Personally, I would have worded “Don’t treat people as things” differently, since I think it’s likely to be misunderstood at first glance by readers who aren’t already in the “poly bubble.” The phrase “treating people as things” might on first glance be easily misinterpreted as referring to sexual fetishes, sex work or strictly casual relationships (none of which are inherently ethically problematic, BTW).... Instead, I probably would have said: “Do treat other people as if they matter as much as you or your primary/existing partners” — as in, everyone’s feelings, needs, goals, lives, and experience counts. As in, we’re all human beings, worthy of full consideration and respect.

....If you do get this book (and you should!), here's the approach I recommend:

New to poly/open relationships, or just curious? Start with chapters 1 and 2, “Starting the journey” and “The many forms of love.”

Got some significant poly/open experience? Start with chapter 3, “Ethical polyamory.”

Essential reading for everyone: Most of part 2, “Poly Toolkit” — beginning with chapter 4, “Tending your self.” Everyone can definitely benefit from chapters 4-7, which covers basic principles and issues in communication and negotiation, all grounded in ethics.

From there, skip straight to chapter 13, “Empowered relationships” — probably the most compelling chapter in the book, since it describes a flexible model of polyamory rooted in individuals who are secure in themselves and compassionate with others. (I really, really wish that model was as widely known as rules-based hierarchies.)

The last two essential-for-everyone chapters are 22 (“Relationship transitions”) and 23 (on metamour relationships) — two areas that the standard social relationship escalator model actively discourages people from developing constructive attitudes and useful skills. We’ve all absorbed social conditioning; we can all use these reminders.

As for the rest of the book, proceed with whichever chapters seem most interesting or relevant to you and your relationships (as my honey did with the hierarchy chapter)....

Read her whole article (Aug. 11, 2014).

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● From Noel Figart's review at her long-running Polyamorous Misanthrope site:

I hope that my faithful Facebook followers have gathered from my incredibly subtle comments that I approve of the book....

The authors take the time to explain the whys and wherefores of polyamory very well. They’re grounded in the real and the proveable. They explain the principles behind their thoughts. Then they do a great thing. At the end of each chapter are several questions to ask yourself and think about. I love this part the best. Sure, sure, you can read the book and get a great deal out of it without these questions, but if you really want to examine yourself, your relationships and truly understand what you’re about and what you want in relationships, this is an amazing guide to do so....

Polyamory tends to value honesty, and I’m pleased to say that like any really great polyamory book, the authors don’t spare themselves. They talk about their screwups, what they learned from them and discuss their struggles as well as their triumphs.

...More Than Two is on my re-read and annotate the heck out of list. I already have about twenty-odd notes and thoughts about the text that I’m still in the process of analyzing. Friends, this one makes you think....

The whole review (Aug. 5).

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● Louisa Leontiades on her site Multiple Match, which is mirrored on Huffington Post U.K.:

Romantic Friendship in the Modern Era ~ More Than Two #1

How Passive Communication Kills A Relationship ~ More Than Two #2

...For non-Brits out there, asking if anyone wants the last biscuit means that the person asking wants it but isn’t, according to the terms of social etiquette, allowed to say it. Even more confusing, the ‘someone’ who took the last biscuit would be considered rude by taking it because the asker has the implicit prior claim (since he asked).

If you ever find yourself in a last-biscuit conundrum and want nothing more than to not be invited back, you can commit the cardinal sin in asking the asker if their question implied that they wanted the last biscuit.

Understand this: overtly stating your wants and needs in my version of middle class Britain is considered selfish, uncouth and downright rude....

Communication strategies take central stage in More Than Two, Franklin & Eve’s new book on practical polyamory, and rightly so. Whilst communication strategies are the subject of whole books, More Than Two explores some aspects which are the downfall of many relationships. Passive communication is one of them.

It’s 7 years now since our first quad relationship crumbled due to many factors, one of which being that I — a quintessentially British woman socialized in middle class etiquette — was unable to state my needs. I had a high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour. I was trained in it. So I inadvertently allowed the three members of my quad to cross my boundaries again and again; I didn’t assert myself, I couldn’t express my feelings and I allowed my grievances to grow and repressed them until they built up to such a fever pitch that no resolution was possible....

I was a passive communicator. Conversely my sisterwife was a direct communicator and yes, I considered her selfish, uncouth and rude at the time, just as I had been taught.

...Direct [communication] starts from the premise that if your partner wants something, she will ask for it. You need to resist the impulse to infer a judgment, desire or need that’s not explicitly stated. You need to assume that if your partner does not bring up an issue, she has no issue and is not just being polite. Conversely if she brings up an issue she’s not doing it to be confrontational or impolite, but to discuss it. [More Than Two]

The most distinct advantage of direct communication is that it forces you to practise your ‘no’:

When you are accustomed to using passive communication or unable to set boundaries or when you feel you don’t have the ability to say no to something, then it’s very hard for your partners to have confidence in your yes.

And the most distinct consequence of not being able to say no means that the relationship and your life becomes coercive. Non-consensual....

Techniques to Develop Assertive Communication

More Than Two covers a variety of skills and exercises you can use to learn assertive communication.

– Using declarative statements rather than leading questions: ‘I would like to go out tonight’ rather than ‘Would you like to go out tonight?’

– Using plain language in the active voice rather than the passive voice: ‘I need you to take out the garbage’ rather than ‘Taking care of this problem with the garbage was supposed to be your responsibility’

– ...Leave room for your partner to choose how to meet your needs: ‘I need to feel supported by you, rather than ‘I need you to do things with me you will never do with anyone else.’

– And be ok if the answer to your request is ‘no.’ (If you’re not okay with hearing a no, then you are demanding not asking)....

– Talk about the reasons why you want or need the things you want or need. It’s scary because it leaves us vulnerable and open to questioning (this is where compassion comes in).

– Be curious; set aside pre-judgments (and the intense feelings connected with them) and ask questions. Not barely veiled accusations; genuine requests for information.

– Talk about things that bother you whilst they are still small. Express what you want early and often....

Okay, so far all of these (and previous) rave reviews come from within the poly community. It will be interesting to see, once the book is out in the big wide world, what mainstream-media reviewers with no prior interest in the subject may say.

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● Wes Fenza wrote a rebuttal to the book's strong admonishments that rules (as opposed to stated boundaries) are inherently ineffective:

No rule can prevent someone who is determined from doing harm. However... there is good psychological research to suggest that the act of committing to follow a rule will actually make a person more motivated to follow it.

Wes, incidentally, identifies as a Relationship Anarchist, which in principle is the totally anti-rules stance.

Franklin was moved to post a response, and Wes did a followup essay.

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● Lastly, Badass McProblemsolver is back (or won't go away).

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Xtra review of More Than Two

Daily Xtra (Canada)

At Canada's national gay news site, Niko Bell reviews Franklin Veaux's and Eve Rickert's forthcoming book More Than Two:

More Than Two challenges accepted polyamory pacts

By Niko Bell

French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre is perhaps the most prolific non-monogamist of the last century. His life-long open relationship with philosopher and feminist (and bisexual) Simone de Beauvoir, with whom he shared a belief in authentic personal freedom, is legendary. He was not, however, entirely ethical.... Perfect authentic freedom, in Sartre’s case, was licence to be a dick.

Modern polyamory, as with Sartre, often expresses itself as a desire for freedom: freedom from tradition, monogamy, boredom or sex-negativity. Traditional relationship rules are replaced with self-tailored agreements, anything being acceptable as long as it is agreed to. Unfortunately, as with Sartre, it is quite possible to keep agreements and still be a pain in the ass.

Eve editing hardcopy of the book.

Writers Franklin Veaux, from Portland, and Eve Rickert, from Vancouver, take a stab at this problem in their new book More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory.

Veaux and Rickert argue that, while there may be no perfect way to be non-monogamous, there are certainly some very bad ones....

More Than Two is less like Sartre and more like his sterner predecessor, German philosopher Immanuel Kant. Kant, who reportedly died a virgin and never left his home town by more than ten miles, defined a moral action as one that treats people as ends, not means, and respects individual agency. Veaux and Rickert riff off Kant to create their own axioms: "don’t treat relationships as more important than people," and "don’t treat people like things."

...There is barely a mention of gay male relationships in the book, and no wonder — non-monogamy, as the authors point out, is intensely divided by sexuality. Straight polyamory, they write, still struggles with homophobia, while some gay people accuse polyamory of undermining gay societal acceptance. Some bisexual and trans people, the authors even suggest, flee to polyamory to escape gay and lesbian cultures that view them with suspicion.

This is the sort of tough problem with which the largely straight, cisgendered polyamorous world will have to grapple one day. To do so, they need a new normal of relationship theory, with its own rules, codes and ethics. More Than Two is a tentative step in that direction: a little more Kant, and a little less Sartre.

Read the whole review, with mixed opinions of the book overall (July 23, 2014).

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*More Than Two* reviews, and getting it into libraries

Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert made a smart bet, I believe, by delaying publication of More Than Two — their big, much-awaited poly guidebook — until September 2nd. They did it so they could try playing real ball in the pros' league: with a major distributor, professional publicity, getting advance reviews into the trade press, pulling the right levers to get bookstore and library placement, and so on.

That meant learning the book industry's odd rules, matching its schedules, and fronting scary money for a publicist. The reason I think they made a good bet is because the book is great (OK, disclosure, I edited it) and because the time for it is right. I think it could grow legs. It might reach markets that Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and the other 36 nonfiction books of the modern polyamory movement have never quite cracked.

Why? Because this is the poly book just right for the "second wave" of people now flooding into the subject: the ones following after the "first wave" of us visionaries and social radicals. The second wave includes many more mainstream folks, who've learned about the poly possibility without much alt-culture context by way of newspapers and TV.

Franklin, through his website and blogs, sees these new people blundering into tar pits in record numbers. The guideposts that the book sets up around known problem areas are more insightful than the ones you often see. (And I learned of some brand new tar pits!) The book uses very personal stories to illustrate its points. It details the practices that the poly community, in 30 years of hard trial and error, has discovered to be the most often successful. And it unifies all of these issues with a foundation of specific moral values — again a combination of the obvious and the subtle — from which the best practices arise naturally.

That's why it's nearly 500 pages.

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As part of their marketing buildup, Eve and Franklin are calling on you to go online and ask your local library to buy a copy:

More Than Two is now available for pre-order through Ingram and Baker & Taylor, two major book databases. That means libraries and bookstores can start ordering the book — but first, they need to know about it! And for that, we need your help.

Nearly all libraries allow patrons to suggest a purchase. If you’d like to see our book in your local library, please take a moment to let them know. Here’s how....

...They may ask you to tell them why they should buy it. Here are some key selling points....

Read on.

Three reasons to do this:

1) Early library sales will help them promote the book around its publication date.

2) If there's a single book on polyamory that your library should have for inquiring newbies to find, this is it.

3) If you're broke, this is how you can read it yourself for free.

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Huffington Post poly writer Louisa Leontiades recently wrote about one aspect of the book in what she calls the first of a "review series":

Romantic Friendship in the Modern Era

...Some [concepts] like consent and communication are the cornerstones to polyamory as we know it; they’ve been hashed, cartoonified, sliced and diced from every angle and in every forum. But More Than Two explores other ideas in depth for the first time. Like so many reviewers, who have been invested in supporting this book to fruition, I intended to pay homage to it with a thorough evaluation, and yet with so many themes covered it’s difficult to write one post to examine them all.

Welcome to the More Than Two Review Series....

Read on (June 12, 2014).

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David S. Hall's review of the book in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (June 11, 2014).

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Review by polyactivist Ginny of Philadelphia: More Than Two: The poly book we need right now (July 3, 2014). Excerpt:

...Ultimately, the thing I value most about the book is how honest it is about the hard stuff. The personal stories tell about big mistakes, big hurt, big betrayals. It does not flinch from talking about the losses and changes that can happen as a result of poly. We in the poly community have been working hard to convince the world (and sometimes our own voices of self-doubt) that polyamory can be a healthy, happy, fulfilling way to live, and as a result we tend to downplay the agonizing choices, shattering mistakes, and relentless parade of “learning experiences” that come with the territory. Then, when things do go badly, we tend to feel alone and ashamed, like we’re the screwups who are letting the entire poly community down by having actual serious problems and making actual serious mistakes. (Did I say “we”? Obviously I’m talking about myself here, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.) More Than Two makes it clear that actual serious problems and actual serious mistakes are part of everybody’s poly experience. That the hard times are survivable, and that what matters is facing up to them with honesty, courage, and compassion.

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And by Wes Fenza of Living Within Reason: More Than Two: This is the one we've been waiting for (July 6, 2014). Excerpts:

I often get asked “how can I learn about polyamory?” Until now, I haven’t really had a good answer. Now I do: read More Than Two, the new book by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, available September 2.

More Than Two, in a nod to the roots of the poly movement, starts with a foreward by Janet Hardy, one of the authors of The Ethical Slut, the 1997 book often touted as the poly Bible. More Than Two, however, quickly departs from its roots by tackling a subject previously avoided by almost all writing on polyamory: ethics. From pg. 36:

One of the things you’ll hear a lot from poly people is that “there’s no one right way to do poly.” This is true. There are many ways to “do poly” (live polyamorously) that give you a decent chance of having joyful, fulfilling, meaningful relationships with low conflict. But when people say “There’s no one right way,” it sometimes seems they mean there are no bad ways to do poly. We disagree.

And herein lies the need for this book. Too often, the polyamory community, skittish from the insufferable moralizing that’s been directed at us, is averse to anything resembling criticism of our lifestyle. More Than Two is full of such criticism. The book takes a humble, but firm stance. If there is a coherent theme to the book, it would be this: learn from our mistakes....

Part 2 may have been my favorite. It is filled with useful, practical advice for anyone in any kind of relationship. Advice ranges from philosophical (nurture a view that relationships are abundant) to the practical (don’t expect someone to do anything unless they’ve agreed). One of my favorites, from pg. 80: “We would like to suggest the radical notion that being uncomfortable is not, by itself, a reason not to do something, nor to forbid someone else from doing something.” There are so many gems in this section that I was afraid my highlighter would run out of ink....

...Part 2 is mostly about developing the skills required to be polyamorous. In the words of Veaux and Rickert, from pp. 51-52:

We keep hearing that polyamory is hard work. We don’t agree-at least, not for the reasons that people say. But developing the skills to be successful in poly relationships? That’s a different story. Learning to understand and express your needs, learning to take responsibility for your emotions… that’s hard work. Once you’ve developed those skills, poly relationships aren’t hard.

Part 2 gives advice on how to develop the skills necessary for successful poly relationships. It includes advice on emotional management, learning new skills, dealing with jealousy, and two full chapters on communication. Communication, as we all know, if the cornerstone of successful relationships, and the topic is covered extensively. Especially noteworthy are the discussions regarding the differences between communication and coercion, and how to foster good communication from our partners.

Part 2 may have been my favorite. It is filled with useful, practical advice for anyone in any kind of relationship. Advice ranges from philosophical (nurture a view that relationships are abundant) to the practical (don’t expect someone to do anything unless they’ve agreed). One of my favorites, from pg. 80: “We would like to suggest the radical notion that being uncomfortable is not, by itself, a reason not to do something, nor to forbid someone else from doing something.” There are so many gems in this section that I was afraid my highlighter would run out of ink.

...One of my disappointments, however, was in the framing of rules vs. agreements. The authors chose a somewhat arbitrary distinction by which “rules” could be condemned and “agreements” could be acceptable.... The problem with this approach is that many of their criticisms of rules (i.e. they judge people’s character on the basis of adherence to the rules; they have an inverse relationship to trust; they transfer risk onto others; they’re susceptible to creeping concessions) are applicable to agreements as well....

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P.S.: Beware of fake-download scams. Scammers have added More Than Two and its cover art to the bait on their hooks. I guess that means it's trending. Take the bait and you get malwared.

Here's where to order it for real.

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"Seven Things You Should Know About Open Relationships"

HuffPost/Lifestyle/U.K.

The prolific and accomplished writer Louisa Leontiades, "activist for open relationships," has been posting a lot of interesting articles on her site MultipleMatch.com in the last few weeks. It's becoming a full-up online poly magazine of consistently high quality.

For her latest piece (which like most of them is crossposted to her blog at HuffPost/ Lifestyle/ U.K.), she gets Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert to give "a quick Cliffs Notes guide" to some of what'll be in their forthcoming book, More Than Two. Their book project's Indiegogo campaign is within $3,000 of its $19,800 goal this morning with three days to go. They expect the book to be 500 pages, and it looks like it's going to be a poly milestone.

For this article, Louisa comments, "We tried to focus the subject on pointers that would be more acceptable (i.e. less philosophical and radical!) for those who are more mainstream or newer to the ideas." Brief excerpts:

Seven Things You Should Know About Open Relationships

So you've thought about it, and you think you might want to try an open relationship.

An open relationship means more sex, right?

Well, maybe. But not before you've done a lot of talking. And reading. And researching.... Here are seven things to consider before you plunge into the world of non-monogamy.

1. It won't go the way you think it will.

I've talked to literally thousands of people involved in polyamory and other forms of nonmonogamy [says Franklin].... The normal social rules of monogamy prepare us poorly for nonmonogamy. I've known many people who sat down, decided what they wanted and didn't want, spent hours talking about the particular form their non-monogamy would take...

...and then, when the rubber met the road, discovered that it was nothing like what they thought it would be....

Which means:

2. Flexibility is important....

Which brings us to:

3. Don't try to lay down rules about feelings.... A rule that prohibits certain feelings really just sets us up for lying about those feelings.

And while we're on the subject of things that don't work:

4. Don't treat people as need-fulfillment machines....

One good way to do that is:

5. Think about what you have to offer, not what you want....

6. Think about how the things you want come across to others.

One day, somebody will make a dictionary that can translate between "things newcomers to nonmonogamy say" and "things those of us with experience in nonmonogamous relationships hear."...

7. Life will not always be perfect.

...Rather than trying to make relationship arrangements that protect us from these things, it's more effective to accept that sometimes we feel bad things and that's okay. We're not promised a life where we never feel anything unpleasant. Instead, we learn that these feelings don't have to rule us, that we can learn strategies to deal with and conquer them....

Read the whole article, it's worth it. And pass it along as a good example of Poly 101 community wisdom. (Oct. 3, 2013).

See also her Conversations with Franklin Veaux: An Uncommon Dialogue.

Update: Franklin and Eve's final Indiegogo promo video, including attack bunny in slo-mo:



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