Newsweek: Polyamory is "America's Next Romantic Revolution"

Newsweek online

There's been gossip for more than a month that Newsweek magazine was interviewing people for a big article on polyamory. This morning the magazine published the article on its website, with an accompanying two-part video.

The title on Newsweek's homepage is "America's Next Romantic Revolution," and the title in the rotating feature spot is "The Next Sexual Revolution?" The article centers on Terisa Greenan's household in Seattle (on which she bases her webcast video series "Family") and works outward from there.

It's dead on-target and absolutely wonderful.

It is not in the paper magazine, however, at least not yet. Word is the writer hopes she can get it into the print edition sometime in the coming weeks. [UPDATE LATER: This never happened.]

Only You. And You. And You.

Polyamory — relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners — has a coming-out party.

By Jessica Bennett | Newsweek Web Exclusive

July 29, 2009

Terisa Greenan and her boyfriend, Matt, are enjoying a rare day of Seattle sun, sharing a beet carpaccio on the patio of a local restaurant. Matt holds Terisa's hand, as his 6-year-old son squeezes in between the couple to give Terisa a kiss. His mother, Vera, looks over and smiles; she's there with her boyfriend, Larry. Suddenly it starts to rain, and the group must move inside. In the process, they rearrange themselves: Matt's hand touches Vera's leg. Terisa gives Larry a kiss. The child, seemingly unconcerned, puts his arms around his mother and digs into his meal.

Terisa and Matt and Vera and Larry — along with Scott, who's also at this dinner — are not swingers, per se; they aren't pursuing casual sex. Nor are they polygamists of the sort portrayed on HBO's Big Love; they aren't religious, and they don't have multiple wives. But they do believe in "ethical nonmonogamy," or engaging in loving, intimate relationships with more than one person — based upon the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. They are polyamorous, to use the term of art applied to multiple-partner families like theirs, and they wouldn't want to live any other way.

...It's enough to make any monogamist's head spin. But the traditionalists had better get used to it.

Researchers are just beginning to study the phenomenon, but the few who do estimate that openly polyamorous families in the United States number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city. Over the past year, books like Open, by journalist Jenny Block; Opening Up, by sex columnist Tristan Taormino; and an updated version of The Ethical Slut — widely considered the modern "poly" Bible — have helped publicize the concept. Today there are poly blogs and podcasts, local get-togethers, and an online polyamory magazine called Loving More with 15,000 regular readers....

With polyamorists' higher profile has come some growing pains. The majority of them don't seem particularly interested in pressing a political agenda; the joke in the community is that the complexities of their relationships leave little time for activism. But they are beginning to show up on the radar screen of the religious right, some of whose leaders have publicly condemned polyamory as one of a host of deviant behaviors sure to become normalized if gay marriage wins federal sanction. "This group is really rising up from the underground, emboldened by the success of the gay-marriage movement," says Glenn Stanton, the director of family studies for Focus on the Family, an evangelical Christian group. "And while there's part of me that says, 'Oh, my goodness, I don't think I could see them make grounds,' there's another part of me that says, 'Well, just watch them.' "

...Polyamory might sound like heaven to some: a variety of partners, adding spice and a respite from the familiarity and boredom that's doomed many a traditional couple. But humans are hard-wired to be jealous, and though it may be possible to overcome it, polyamorous couples are "fighting Mother Nature" when they try, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, a professor at Rutgers University who has long studied the chemistry of love. Polys say they aren't so much denying their biological instincts as insisting they can work around them — through open communication, patience, and honesty. Polys call this process "compersion" — or learning to find personal fulfillment in the emotional and sexual satisfaction of your partner, even if you're not the one doing the satisfying. "It's about making sure that everybody's needs are met, including your own," says Terisa. "And that's not always easy, but it's part of the fun."

It's complicated, to say the least: tending to the needs of multiple partners, figuring out what to tell the kids, making sure that nobody's feelings are hurt. "I like to call it polyagony," jokes [Ken] Haslam, the Kinsey researcher, who is himself polyamorous. "It works for some perfectly, and for others it's a f--king disaster."

...It's easy to dismiss polyamory as a kind of frat-house fantasy gone wild. But in truth, the community has a decidedly feminist bent: women have been central to its creation, and "gender equality" is a publicly recognized tenet of the practice....

...It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people — it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosh, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings — in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace — are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious — and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love....

Read the whole article (July 29, 2009).

Newsweek also put up an absolutely first-rate two-part video on the Seattle household, mixing real-life interviews with scenes from "Family":

Part 1: Love — Poly Style

Part 2: Making Poly Love Work

Newsweek also put up a slide show on the history of polygamy and multiple partnering, titled "More Ways Than Two" (starting with Rameses II in ancient Egypt). It struck me as mediocre by seeming to conflate separate topics.

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Updates: 7 a.m. next morning: I see the article is now #1 on Newsweek's site in all four categories: most read, emailed, recommended, and commented. Also, it's made the front page of Digg.

-- The Fox TV network has put out a news item referencing the Newsweek article. It's remarkably objective considering it's Fox.

-- A New York Press blogger says "Newsweek Loves Group Sex". (Never mind that the folks in the article say they never sleep with more than one person.)

-- Anita Wagner discusses some of the... umm... least complimentary comments that are piling in to the Newsweek site, on her Practical Polyamory blog. The contrast in character is remarkable between the ugly negatives and the often polite, thoughtful, well-presented positives. That's also been true in the comments to past poly news articles generally. We're winning the comment wars in terms of the impressions we make on normal people; keep it up. As Emerson said, "Character is everything." As Goddess of Java says, "Be a credit to your kink."

More on this: Okay, I went googling and found where a lot of those ugly comments are coming from. Turns out the right-wing blogosphere is having conniption fits over the Newsweek article and is sending its readers there — FreeRepublic, FoxNation, TownHall, the works. I kinda suspected. (A typical Freeper: "Yes and Bestiality and Pedophilia if the Obamunists have their way. Oh I almost forgot Necrophelia.") NewsBusters did a relatively decent article.

-- A columnist in The Frisky discusses the Newsweek article:

...ever since Anya James wrote about being in a polyamorous relationship back in November, I’ve noticed that three-way relationships have been everywhere. According to a study cited in Newsweek, “openly polyamorous families in the United States number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city.”...

-- The Newsweek article prompted momlogic.com to reprint its interview from last year with Loving More's Robyn Trask about her life, partners, and children.

-- Thoughtful criticism and commentary from a basically pro-poly columnist at GetReligion.org, a site about treatment of religious issues in the media.

-- Here's a Spanish translation of the article, which appeared on the site of the weekly newsmagazine El Argentino in Buenos Aires (Aug. 26, 2009).

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"Local family's lifestyle gets national attention"

KOMO-TV 4 News (Seattle)

Terisa Greenan and her webcast sitcom "Family" — the fictional adventures of Gemma, Ben and Ernie living in a vee triad — have drawn the attention of the ABC-TV affiliate in her hometown. And, says the station's report, an Oprah Winfrey producer has expressed interest in taking Greenan and her own two partners national.

Watch the broadcast (about 4 minutes). Here are excerpts from the accompanying article on the station's website, basically a transcript of the broadcast:

By Michelle Esteban

SEATTLE -- A controversial local family's story is a huge hit on YouTube and has everyone, from Oprah to the Kinsey Institute, asking just how they do what they do.

The childless family of three is polyamorous, meaning its members can have more than one romantic relationship at once.

Terisa Greenan is in love with two men, Scott and Larry, and they're both crazy about her.

..."We're all heterosexuals. I have a romantic relationship with both of them separately," said Terisa.

Terisa recently started dating a third man, and her two current partners are OK with that.

"I don't feel sexual jealousy in that way," said Scott.

And why should he? Larry and Scott date and sleep with other women, too. And of course, Terisa has no complaints.

"When I see Larry and his new girlfriend kissing or hugging and lying in bed together, and he has a smile on his face and he beams with joy, I think, 'I love him. I want him to experience that joy,'" she said.

Expert: "Most people want monogamy"

"It is not in most people's capacity to love multiple people at the same time, much less all live together as a happy family," said Dr. Pepper Schwartz, relationship specialist and sociology professor at the University of Washington.

Schwartz thinks the trio loves the security of their relationship, but aren't madly in love. She says most polyamorous relationships don't last because too many emotions get in the way.

"Most people want monogamy," she said.

Not Scott.

"We like the charge of a new relationship," he said.

To each his own, says Larry....

Web series catches attention of Oprah, Kinsey Institute

...The Web series started as a lark while Terisa was between jobs. There's no budget, and the actors and crew work solely for experience and exposure. Terisa says "Family" is about the art of filmmaking; the insight into an alternative lifestyle is just the bonus.

The seven-minute sitcoms get thousands of hits on YouTube. And it may soon be the topic of discussion on America's most popular talk show.

"Oprah Winfrey called. It was amazing, I was like, 'How on Earth did you find me?'" Terisa said.

National exposure would complicate an already-complicated lifestyle. With three people, everything, from decision making to scheduling and arguing, takes longer.

What do their parents think? Terisa and Scott's parents have accepted their lifestyle, but Larry has kept his father in the dark.

"At some point really soon, we're going have that conversation. It won't be fun," said Larry.

But Larry can tell his father that he's making history. The Web series recently grabbed the attention of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex at Indiana University.

...The institute says Terisa's work is one of a kind. The school intends to add a DVD collection of the Web series to its library as a resource.

The curator says the soap-opera format of "Family" is the first of its kind in the history of polyamorous relationships. He believes the DVD will serve as a valuable form of reference for future social historians.

As for the future of the trio, Terisa, Scott and Larry intend to grow old together.

Here's the whole article (July 22, 2009).

The KOMO-TV broadcast is also getting promoted nationally on ABC News.com (in the Health section), as the lead paragraphs of this article; the rest of the article is mostly a reprint of ABC News.com's story last month about calls for legalized polyamorous marriage.

Only a few years ago, some people were saying never, ever talk to the media because they will just trash you and trash poly. What a change.

Of course, you still have to know how to present yourself well (which does not mean "just being yourself"!), and you have to figure out the agenda of the outfit you're dealing with — and if it's a bad agenda, say no. Especially when it comes to TV, which has an eye that never blinks. Robyn Trask of Loving More has had good success coaching people to deal with TV producers on a level footing. Call her if you're ever in this position.

And also study the wise tips on appearing in the media posted by Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF). She has also posted some suggested sound bites to memorize.

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"Family" polyfolks interviewed on radio

KISW radio, Seattle

Terisa Greenan is the creator and producer of the polyamorous web sitcom "Family" (see previous post). Christopher Bingham is the musician from Gaia Consort / Bone Poets Orchestra who wrote and sang the theme song. The two of them did a very fine interview yesterday morning with a gabby talk-jock, B.J. Shea, on KISW Rock Radio in Seattle. You can download and listen to it (March 11, 2009).

A few bits:

Terisa: I say it's "loosely" based on my life. As the episodes go on and as people point things out to me, I realize it's less loosely based than I thought — maybe pretty closely based on my life.... and some things I don't know if I want to say on the radio [laughing].... The configuration that I live in is very accurately depicted in the show.

Chris: I'm involved in a fourple. We're involved with a couple — they're currently living in Amsterdam, it's long-distance at this point — we still consider ourselves together — but we were living in each other's back pockets for a couple of years.

B.J.: ...What I don't understand is if you and Chris are such good friends, and you guys are polyamorous—

Terisa: —Why haven't we had sex, Chris?! [Laughter, banter and flirting.]

Chris: There are only a few reasons why I wouldn't do it. The first is that I'd have to ask my partners, and we'd have to talk about it. It would probably be okay in our setup. Like Terisa said in her setup, we're very strict about safe sex stuff, because we all like to live, and it's really important. In terms of opening up the circle, the fourple that we have is more of what we call a polyfidelitous relationship. We are committed to each other, unless we want to expand the group. And if we want to expand the group, then we need to talk to all of our other partners about it, and define what that means. So I could theoretically have sex with Terisa, and I'm sure it would be absolutely lovely, but we would have to decide how much we want to be involved.

Terisa: ...Since you brought up the topic of rules, I would just like to say that every poly family has their rules. Some are bisexual, some only play as a couple, some say "everything but intercourse," whatever. But the main thing to remember, is each polyfamily has their own customized rules. And no two polyfamilies have the same rules.

Chris: ...We're dealing with human beings. Every relationship you go into— most Americans go through life doing what's called serial monogamy, where we decide that if we want another lover, or it's not working out or whatever, we just break up our lives and move on. Well in polyamory if we decide to have another lover, you don't have to do that, you have honesty as the basis of what you're doing—

B.J.: ...Terisa, do you feel like this is the way we really should be living as human beings?

Terisa: I do. I feel that very strongly. I don't think there's anything natural, or normal, about only having sex with one person for 30 or 40 years.

B.J.: ...Well this is what I loved about the show... What I really loved was the New Year's Eve episode, where—. I have a wife, I also have a daughter, and so as a man having to deal sometimes with, you know, the emotional outbursts and problems that sometimes the two women in my life have, sometimes I go "God, I would like to pass this over to somebody else." And, what a great episode— where one dude's out having a good time, where normally that would be a problem, 'cause he'd have to come back and deal with this woman who was upset that he was gone. But then the other dude was like reassuring her, sticking up for the other guy— that is pretty cool. The two dudes are able to actually give her the nurturing she needs, while the other guy doesn't have to deal with the grief.

Terisa: And that is one of the episodes that's practically transcribed from a real-life event.

B.J.: Which I think is fantastic.... The real tough stuff does come from the nonsexual interactions.

Terisa: ...We're telling people all the time that. It's so true. When I have a conflict with Larry, Scott mediates and helps us through that, and it's really nice to have that impartial third party, and when I have a conflict with Scott, Larry mediates. It's wonderful to have that extra support! And they're both fond of having time alone to just read a book or do whatever they want to do alone, and they're happy that I've got someone else to be with.

They go on and talk about lots more stuff for almost an hour, intelligently and excitedly. We're lucky to have such good spokespeople! Especially because Terisa says she's very new to being a public poly figure and said on the air that she'd been scared to go on the show. I say we've got a new star.

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"Family" poly sitcom gets recognized!

Seattle Times

It's about time. Terisa Greenan's web-based poly sitcom, "Family", gets a big writeup in a major newspaper this morning — in its own hometown.

Seattle-based "Family" webisodes no ordinary sexy sitcom

By Mark Rahner
Seattle Times staff reporter

It's not hard to picture this on prime-time TV: a sitcom called "Family" about a woman and two dudes shacking up in a polyamorous relationship.

In fact, independent Seattle filmmaker Terisa Greenan's short, biweekly YouTube "Family" webisodes — seven and counting [actually nine –Ed.] — have drawn the Kinsey Institute's attention as a sort of landmark on the subject and put a spotlight on this area as one of the nation's, uh, hotbeds of the lifestyle.

..."They always say use something that you know about, right?" said Greenan, an actress who has appeared in commercials for Value Village and Coldwell Banker, done voice work in the "Star Trek: First Contact" video game and appeared in independent flicks and local theater.

While Greenan's zero-budget depiction of poly Seattle lacks the polish of a studio production — she shoots an episode in a day, takes three or four days to edit, and the actors work pro bono — it's ringing true with those who know the subject.

"These are funny as all hell to those of us who have lived poly for more than a week," said "Minx," whose Chicago-based "Polyamory Weekly" podcast (www.polyweekly.com) has run four years and gets about 2,000 downloads a month [I think that's supposed to be 2,000 a week. –Ed.]. "What Terisa Greenan has done is to take all the poly fears, pitfalls and misconceptions and gently poke fun at them in a searingly entertaining way."

Now, Greenan hopes to spread the love further, despite the thousands of hits each webisode already gets. "It's gotten so popular in poly and sex-positive communities, the point is to make it accessible and a crossover hit."

Changing partners

Greenan lives with two men — one for nine years, the other for 11.... They're all free to pursue relationships with other people outside their triad or "V," and she has a couple of "casual boyfriends" as well, who also have other partners. (Although polys live in every conceivable configuration.)

Apart from "Where do you find time for anything else?" the other most obvious question concerns safety. "We're very, very strict about safe sex. That's the one rule we do have," Greenan said.

She bases "Family" on her own experiences in Seattle (with Amber Rack, Eric Smiley and Ernie Joseph as the leads), sometimes transcribing real conversations, other times spinning fiction from some nugget of truth.

"I just thought, what can I do that's original?" Greenan said. "And polyamory still has an element of taboo about it."

However, she said, "One thing I really wanted to do with this, because the subject matter is not widely known, is just show these people in this lifestyle as ordinary. Because when people find out about my lifestyle, they react with shock and horror sometimes."

Like, for instance, her parents....

...But what is it about Seattle and all the free love? Turns out it ain't so free, according to Jodi O'Brien, chair of Seattle University's sociology department and a specialist in gender and sexuality.

"My sociological take on it is that it's challenging enough to handle one committed relationship with full honesty and openness, so when you bring more into it the complications are going to multiply exponentially."

Yep: "It takes us, like, five times longer just to get out of the freakin' house to go to dinner," Greenan said. "The more people you involve the more time everything takes. The same thing's true when there's an argument — you have a whole other person whose argument you need to work through and hear, a whole other brain, a whole other set of opinions. Everything is a lot more complicated, but everything is a lot more interesting."

Polys tend to be white, well-educated, middle-class or higher, in the 30s-to-50s age range, and often in the information-technology industry, according to such experts as O'Brien and Elisabeth Sheff, of Georgia State University, who's doing a longitudinal study of polyamorous families with children.

Sexual minorities tend to congregate in larger urban areas — "Boston, New York City and Atlanta have large polyamorous populations, but they're barely organized. In Seattle there are multiple groups with multiple and consistent meetings. Seattle has one of the most active, well-developed, organized and thriving [poly] communities in the United States," Sheff said.

Read the whole article. And go join the comments!

The newspaper has also produced a nice 3-minute video report on Greenan, her vee triad, and Seattle's thriving poly community.

Update: Christopher Bingham, composer of "Family" the theme song, is offering free downloads of it on his Bone Poets Orchestra site.

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