Vice reports on London's Polyday convention

The UK's annual Polyday conference took a hiatus a few years ago, then came back with renewed energy under new leadership. The 2018 event last month brought out 250 people, Vice UK reports in an interesting look at us by an accomplished feminist journalist.

We Went to a Polyamory Event and Learned What a 'Polycule' Is

The organisers of Polyday think it's the biggest non-monogamy event in Europe, and tried to match that scale with a raft of talks and workshops.

Three organisers of Polyday – L-R: Charlotte Davies, Conaire
Hodgson and Eunice Hung – at a wedding.

 
By Sophie Hemery

Earlier this month, in a charmingly dingy community centre in south London, 250 people gathered to talk about polyamory. The organisers think Polyday is the biggest non-monogamy event in Europe — and in its four years [since being revived] this was the biggest yet. "We're at maximum capacity, way more than expected — it's going to be tight, hot and sweaty!" proclaimed the welcome speech.

Polyamory has just gone mainstream in BBC1's primetime drama Wanderlust, and you couldn't help but wonder if some of the crowd had decided to attend while choking down their Merlot and Kettle Chips. That is to say, the crowd wasn't just the likely suspects. There were some tasselled waistcoats and flares, sure, and some fluorescent hairstyles — but there was also: all sorts.

There were retired folk in cardigans; sleek, almost-famous actors; parents and children; millenials-who-can't-buy-homes-because-they-drink-too-many-oat-milk-flat-whites. Some were polyamorous veterans, experienced at having concurrent, committed intimate relationships. Others were taking their first steps away from the monogamous doctrine. ...

...Over the past five years, "polyamory" has become ten times more popular as a UK Google search, and there's also now a dating app dedicated to alternative relationships.

..."It's my first time at a poly event," one antsy but excited man told the woman next to him, "my wife suggested polyamory, and I'm embracing it." Beside me sat a beaming trio holding hands. ...

"I think we live in a fear-based culture surrounding relationships," said Matt, an attendee who is new to non-monogamy. "It's all, 'Oh god, don’t leave me!' and there's this pressure for one person to be everything." In contrast, Matt finds polyamory "very celebratory and honouring of people.

"When you stop looking for one person to cover everything, you can really engage with that person without the pressure," he said. "Knowing that they don't have to be everything, because you have a community, you have other people, enables you to be much more present." ...

Read on (Oct. 23, 2018).

● More recently, Hemery published a related article in the high-think magazine Aeon: Can relationship anarchy create a world without heartbreak? (Nov. 13, 2018). Spoiler: Probably not, nor should it, but it could make heartbreak less pathological.

Can you imagine a world without heartbreak? Not without sadness, disappointment or regret — but a world without the sinking, searing, all-consuming ache of lost love. A world without heartbreak is also a world where simple acts cannot be transformed, as if by sorcery, into moments of sublime significance. Because a world without heartbreak is a world without love — isn’t it?

More precisely, it might be a world without love’s most adulated form: romantic love. For many people, romantic love is the pinnacle of human experience. But feelings don’t exist in a cultural void. The heartbreak-kind of love is a relatively new and culturally specific experience, masquerading as the universal meaning of life.

...What if there was a way to reap the depths and heights of love without the heartbreak?

[Permalink]

The Guardian/Observer: "A new way to love: in praise of polyamory"

And now the third in the trifecta of UK big-media attention to poly in the last couple days (see last two posts). Elf Lyons, an up-and-coming comedian and performer (photo below), declares bold and proud for poly as an ideal feminist way of life. She writes the cover story of today's Observer Magazine in the Observer, the Sunday sister paper of The Guardian.

A new way to love: in praise of polyamory

"It opens the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe way"

(Those awkward people with her are models, not partners.)

By Elf Lyons

I have never enjoyed typical monogamy. It makes me think of dowries and possessive prairie voles who mate for life, and historically all monogamous relationship models have owned women in some way, with marriage there for financial purposes and the ownership of property.

For the last few years I’ve defined myself as a polyamorist. ... It’s a philosophy. Rather than the active pursuing of multiple partners in a lascivious way, it’s the embracing and understanding that it’s possible to fall in love, and have relationships, with more than one person at the same time.

Alongside developing CEO-worthy skills in multitasking, polyamory is the most empowering way of loving that I have encountered. It gives women more autonomy than other relationship models ever have. Although monogamous relationship models work for many, they’re not the only way to have relationships in society. In non-monogamous relationships, success relies on everything being on the table from the start. I believe that it could be the huge relationship revolution that the feminist movement needs. ... It opens up the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe and transparent way.

"The giraffe-limbed clown and raconteur"

in costume for her performance "Swan"

...If I had known as a teenager it was possible to love more than one person, it would have saved so much anxiety, guilt and time spent writing awful poetry. ...

I discovered polyamory when I was 23. I met a parliament of poly performers at the Adelaide Festival who were hippyish, liberal and kind. These performers spoke about their partners, children, poly-families. There were ex-couples who were working together on shows while their other poly families toured elsewhere, married couples who had live-in partners, triumvirates where they all balanced an equal partnership. I was entranced by their openness. It seemed symbolic of our changing global world, and most peoples developing nomadic lifestyles where we travel for work and find love with others on the way.

...And the reality? Non-monogamy is rather ordinary and occasionally dull. Stereotypes of weird Eyes Wide Shut sex parties and Sartre/de Beauvoir/Olga ménages à trois aside, it’s like any normal relationship, except with more time-management, more conversations about “feelings” and more awkward encounters with acquaintances at parties who try to use you as their “Sexual Awakening Friend Bicycle”, i.e. that shy girl from book club will get drunk and put her hand on your leg, before leaning in to kiss you, hiccuping: “I really loved Orange Is the New Black.”

There are misconceptions – a date once grabbed me for a kiss unexpectedly despite the fact I had made it clear I was in no way interested (my words were exactly: “This is not going to work. We have entirely different opinions on the EU and you have just told me I am ‘very funny for a woman’.”) When I pushed him away he was shocked. He believed because I was “sexually awakened” he could do what he liked. Luckily my experiences have meant that I am more vocal and confident, and able to stand up for myself. ...

People often ask: “How can you truly love someone if you want to be with someone else?” and “Don’t you get jealous?” I think these statements enforce unhealthy relationship ideals. ...When you take a step back, drop your ego and realise you’re one unique component of someone’s life, it’s liberating and freeing. Jealousy ebbs away and you realise that, of course, they may find another person attractive, because we’re all different pieces of a puzzle. This has made me more comfortable about myself — I am not holding myself up to standards about traditional female beauty, because I can experience it in a hundred different ways.

...When I started getting to know people in the poly community it was as liberating as taking off an underwired bra. I have had partners of both genders. I didn’t have to “choose”: the people I met understood that it was possible to give infinite, equal love to both sexes. My confidence soared. I wasn’t hiding. Men and women had equal place in my life. I no longer felt like a pendulum, swinging from one to another. This refreshing awakening did result in many awkward conversations with my mum and dad though....

...Although I love sex, because of past unpleasant experiences I’m also mildly afraid of it. So when I started experimenting with non-monogamy the idea of being intimate emotionally as well as physically with more than one person was a challenge. But, the choice gave me a power and ownership over my wants which I felt I had lost and been made to feel ashamed about. I’m not saying I jumped in the sack with everyone I met. God no. I’m too busy. But through being less judgemental on myself, I relaxed, opened up to the people I trusted and started loving myself again. It forces you to be really honest, to live life with an undefended heart.

...In a time of censorship on women, increases in assault and constant critiques on how we should behave, polyamory and its manifesto of embracing our evolving feelings, sharing responsibility and communicating and working effectively with people from all around the world could help revolutionise the way we tackle privilege, inequality and control of women’s rights.

I have an authority and a voice that I didn’t feel I had before. My friendships are better, my health is better. Through being polyamorous and being a part of the community I have been made aware of issues, both personal and political, that need to be uncovered and addressed.

The world would be a better place if everybody was more open to polyamory. As well as that traditional idea, that it takes a village to raise a child, it would mean we’d all love more, and love better. Loving different people at the same time is like learning a different language. There are different rules every time and it’s always open for discussion. ... Every time you say “I love you” to someone it takes on a new meaning. It’s retranslated, and it’s wonderful.

Read the whole article (print issue July 23, 2017; online July 22).

Advertising experts say that to make the most impression on the public, hit them with your message in different ways all at once, rather than with scattered messages spread out in time.

[Permalink]

Mainstream reporters on poly need to get it right.

OkCupid's new setting that basically lets couples seek dates as a pair continues to serve as the hook for mainstream articles and broadcasts about polyamory.

Usually they're fairly accurate, but not always.

For instance, a writer at the The Independent, one of the U.K.'s leading newspapers, says "Polyamory is an umbrella term for intimate relationships that involve more than two people. The expression covers everything from swinging to triad relationships."

Well, no. At minimum polyamory means "multiples loves." Swingers tend to be more about play parties and often guard their emotional monogamy. And, there's that crucial bit about "with the knowledge and consent of everyone concerned." And despite what the article goes on to imply, it's not all about couples.

Otherwise, this piece is rather sweet:

Polyamory: Vaults' lead singer Blythe Pepino and her partner reveal why monogamy wasn't doing it for them

Whole lotta love: Blythe Pepino and Tom Jacob see other people (Micha Theiner)

Last month, dating website OkCupid added a function which allows couples to search the website for people to join their relationships. Chloe Hamilton meets a polyamorous pair to see how it works.

By Chloe Hamilton

I meet Blythe and Tom in a bar in Clapham. Blythe's pastel-pink hair is easy to spot from a distance. Slim, sandy-haired Tom sits beside her. As I approach, their heads are together and they're giggling softly. They look every inch the loved-up couple. I introduce myself and slide on to the sofa next to them, hoping three won't be a crowd. I needn't have worried.

The pair have been polyamorous from the beginning of their relationship after both realising, separately, that monogamy wasn't doing it for them. Polyamory is an umbrella term for intimate relationships that involve more than two people. The expression covers everything from swinging to triad relationships. Typically, these encounters involve sex, although it's not a prerequisite.

...The lead singer of the British band Vaults, Blythe Pepino, 29, and her partner, Tom Jacob, 27, agree to meet me to shed some light on what it's like to be non-monogamous.

...They have been an item for two years and live together in south London. Blythe also has a girlfriend, Alice, whom she's been with for over a year. Alice – an artist – lives in Bristol, so they don't get to see each other that often. Tom is seeing another girl, Sian, whom he met on Tinder. In addition to this, Tom and Blythe recently started dating a couple, Nich and Sonya, whom they met at a specialist club night in London. Blythe tells me they "fell in love with them as a couple" and now hang out regularly. Sometimes they go to the movies, sometimes they have group sex. Blythe and Tom also have one-night stands with people, although these happen less frequently. "I'm just not that good at them," Tom says.

A common misconception, they tell me right off the bat, is that people in polyamorous relationships don't get jealous. Both Tom and Blythe readily admit to having experienced feelings of jealousy at some stage in their relationship. The trick, they say, lies is how they deal with that emotion. Namely, through talking. Open and honest communication is essential to polyamory. Blythe and Tom tell me that whenever one of them sleeps with someone new, they schedule a meeting the following day to discuss what the latest tryst means for their relationship.

My eyes must widen at this point because they start to chuckle again. It all seems so well-organised. I'd imagined multiple-partner relationships to be driven by red-blooded lust and a desire to sleep with as many people as possible, but Blythe and Tom's account suggests there's quite a lot of admin involved, too. "It would be very disingenuous if I said it wasn't a lot of work," says Tom. "But it's so worth it."...

Read on (February 4, 2016).

The article has only 9 comments, some of them already calling out the author for her definition. Go add a comment, and/or tweet her: @chloehamilton.

---------------------------------

● Here's another story to add to the list of those inspired by the OkCupid news: What It's Like To Look For Love On Tinder When You're Polyamorous (Mic.com, Jan. 15, 2015).

Getty Images

By Nayomi Reghay

When Marcus*, 37, messages someone on OkCupid, he always asks one question: "Did you read my profile?" Usually, the answer is no. "Then they'll say, 'Wait, you're MARRIED?!?!'," Marcus told Mic.

..."[One person said] 'I'm not going to help you cheat,'" Marcus told Mic. "And then there was a guy who was convinced if he went on a date with me it would break up my marriage."

From Marcus's point of view, that isn't likely. He's been with his wife for eight years. They have two children, and as of one year ago, when they agreed to open up their relationship, they are also polyamorous....

[Permalink]

"Polyamory may be going mainstream but it ain't easy"

The Daily Telegraph is one of the U.K.'s major newspapers and is aligned with the governing Conservative Party (some call it The Torygraph). The current news flurry about OkCupid's attempt to go poly-friendly prompted a column in today's Women's section. The writer calls herself naturally monogamous and was in a five-year poly relationship reluctantly, but she says she drew some good things from it even so.

I tried having an open relationship — polyamory may be going mainstream but it ain't easy

By Rebecca Reid

...Once seen as the preserve of middle aged men in Utah, or hyper-liberal flower children, non-monogamy is fast becoming the territory of perfectly unremarkable people.

When I first started dating my fiancé, a couple of weeks in, we discussed how we saw things working with regards to other people.

Did we want to be open (able to have sex with other people)? Poly (able to have relationships with other people)? Or did we want to embrace monogamy? Seeing as we’re both naturally monogamous — and averse to the drama and complications that can come from open relationships — we decided to keep it simple and stick to just seeing each other.

It’s no longer such an unusual conversation to have at the start of a relationship....

...Think-pieces about polyamory have tended to be written in active defense. I understand that the much maligned practice needs all the good PR it can get — but it does the lifestyle a disservice to pretend that it’s all rainbows, flowers and great shags.

...I spent the best part of five years in a polyamorous relationship and it was — like all relationships — a mixed bag.

One of the best things about the poly world is having more of you. Two people playing a board game can be boring, but with four it’s fun. Same goes for picnics, holidays and parties. You’re not just a couple, you’re a ready-made group and there’s something brilliant about that.

When one of you is feeling down, there are more people to cheer you up. You get more birthday presents, more sex, more laughter, more of everything. But when I say everything, I mean everything.

When you bring another person into your relationship, you bring all their laughter, joy and cute little foibles. You also bring their insecurities, needs and fears. It’s a little different in open relationships, where the emphasis is on sex rather than dating, but either way: by introducing another person in to your relationship you get their good days — and their bad days, too.

...I learned a lot from my experience of polyamory, even if most of that was that I didn’t really want to be poly.

People in open relationships tend to be brilliant at communicating, either by nature or by necessity. When you involve other people in that relationship, you complicate it — both emotionally and logistically, meaning a much higher level of communication is needed for things to work.

It’s something that, when I stopped being poly, I took forward into my next monogamous relationship....

Read the whole article (Jan. 12, 2015).

P.S.: If you haven't seen my post about the OkCupid news since I put it up last Friday, I've added some updates.

[Permalink]

A harsh rollercoaster of poly lessons: *The Husband Swap,* by Louisa Leontiades

A book is often bigger than the book itself. It may spread its ideas to millions of people who will never open it — through media coverage, author appearances, and buzz. The buzz really spreads if the book symbolizes some new idea, or discovery, or lesson that's easily talked about — boosted by media attention and the air of importance that the book's existence implies.

Louisa Leontiades

Louisa Leontiades's memoir The Husband Swap: A true story of unconventional love (second edition) has been out for less than a month, and sales can't amount to much yet. But already she has reached millions of people through media coverage of her story. More on that below.

The book's talkworthy Big Idea, however, will be quite different to different people.

Leontiades is a polyactivist writer, a widely published blogger, and chair of the National Polyamory Association in Sweden. The Husband Swap is the story of the tumultuous, catastrophically failed quad that introduced her and her husband to poly, broke four hearts and two marriages, and set her on the way toward her current joyous poly life with two men and two children.

This is Thorntree Press's heavily edited remake of the book's first edition, self-published in 2012, which was frankly an overlong first draft. As the title implies, it's the tale of two couples who combined into an unstable polycule that fissioned into two new couples flying off in different directions. Or in the poly reaction patterns described by Deborah Anapol two decades ago, a case of 2 + 2 => 2 + 2. The book unsparingly examines the volatile chemistry that took place within that reaction arrow: dazzling love, deep discovery, raging insecurities, careless bulldozing of unstated boundaries, paralyzing fear, plain nastiness (Leontiades does not spare herself in this regard), and real growth and development. This last is especially clear in the case of Louisa's nebbishy, indolent husband, who under the influence of his powerful, perfectionist bulldozer of a new partner, did a slum clearance on himself and redeveloped into the capable, successful man he should have been all along.

If you're looking for a happy poly story, this ain't it. You can see its Big Idea as being one of miserably hard trials setting brave pioneers onto better life paths with the mates they needed — or as a warning that polyamory is simply insane, and you'd be a fool to touch it.

Louisa is getting quite a bit of TV and newspaper attention, mostly in the UK where she grew up and where much of the story takes place. She is dwelling on her current excellent poly life and the message that staying true to herself and her dreams was worth it in the end.

Louisa, her current partners and daughter today. Photo: The Times (of London)

As she describes, normal people who've read the tale — or who watched the events unfold in person — were full of I-told-you-so's and are amazed that she has stuck with such a seemingly exhausting and difficult way of life. "As [a friend] trailed off trying to think of a reason [why normalcy is better]," she writes in the epilogue, "I smiled secretly to myself. You could throw anything at me now and I could undermine your argument—snap—like Miss Piggy's karate chop.

"Polyamory isn't for the faint-hearted. It can only be borne in the long term by those committed to sorting out their demons and growing almost beyond what we recognize as the basis of our humanity. But as a utopia, I still believe in it and in my life I still swear by it."

Whew.

---------------------------

Selected to write the Foreword was Noel Figart, another public poly figure who came out of an exploded quad. Figart dispenses advice as The Polyamorous Misanthrope and leads the PolyFamilies Yahoo Group, which is 15 years old this month. "The love that will allow you to avoid these mistakes," she writes at the front of the book, "is a love that involves knowledge of yourself, deep understanding of your partners, a willingness to set appropriate boundaries and a huge helping of honesty — starting with yourself.

"The polyamorous community often hears that polyamory isn't easy. That's a bit disingenuous. The reality is that good relationships of any sort aren't easy. It's not necessarily that the relationships are work. It's that good relationships require you to ruthlessly and tirelessly work on yourself.

"Read this book carefully. There are excellent lessons in it, like a lovely coral reef below turbulent waves."

---------------------------

Louisa's epilogue to The Husband Swap wasn't enough of an epilogue; there was still too much tumult. So she was moved to write a chapter-by-chapter companion guidebook to this edition: Lessons in Love and Life to My Younger Self. It's available as an e-book; the print edition comes out this fall.

Here she speaks across seven years to her beloved former self, like a mother to a child in a dark place, who of course cannot hear — not so much advising about the specific incidents in each chapter, but how to be the better, more insightful kind of person who would have known better the ways to navigate herself and shape her utopia.

The two books are so closely interrelated that I wish they were bound together. The next printing of The Husband Swap cries out to be one of those double-sided, turn-it-over books. The kind with the front and back being the front covers of two books, each ending where you hit the end of the other one printed upside down. At any point you can turn the book over like a stone, top to bottom, and read inward from the other front. The convenience of having the seven-years-later chapter reflections right at hand would be nice — but the symbolism of physically turning over the story, back and forth, would be arresting.

---------------------------

Okay, now about that media coverage. To help me get this piece posted, Thorntree Press co-publisher Eve Rickert and associate editor Roma have shared their record of the book's publicity so far. Here it is (with a few additions):

News Stories

● Polyamory - I love you, you and you, Lea Sauer, Café Babel, October 14, 2014.

Summary: Introduces poly to a new audience. Quotes from Louisa and Christopher Gottwald, the spokesperson for the Polyamorous Network of Germany.

Quote: “A large revolution of love will likely not take place. Monogamy is the standard and will most likely remain that way for a long time. And that's also okay. Polyamorists, after all, aren't fighting against monogamy, but rather — according to Leontiades and Gottwald — for the "freedom to decide for oneself." What's most important is tolerance and acceptance for all forms of relationships. Whether monogamous or polyamorous, open or strictly faithful. After all, a little bit of openness never hurt anyone.”

● What this woman learned from opening her marriage to another couple, Dina Rickman, website of The Independent, UK. May 1, 2015.

Summary: Interview with Louisa, asking general questions about poly and other people’s perception of it. Also gives a short summary of the book.

Quote (from Louisa): “For those it offends, any change or any difference in lifestyle or inclination that threatens the norm does threaten the establishment. Many of the minority movements have basically the same battle, where their choices, simply by being different have threatened other people’s sense of their own rightness. The mind sometimes equates being right with surviving, in order to survive people like to be right.”

● The polyamorist’s diary: why I agreed to a ménage à quatre, Carol Midgley, The Times (of London), April 27, 2015. Behind paywall. Comments Louisa, "After the sensationalism, not a bad framing of polyamory."

● Interview with This Morning on ITV (UK), May 5, 2015.

The video is only viewable in the UK, but from the opening: “To most, the thought of their other half making love to someone else is unthinkable. But to Louisa Leontiades it's a pre-requisite.”

● Mother-of-two felt so trapped in her traditional marriage she took on another husband AND his wife... before setting up home with him (and her new boyfriend), Naomi Greenaway, Daily Mail, May 5, 2015.

Summary: A written version of the This Morning interview. Sensationalist.  Has incorrect stuff, says Louisa.

● Me & my two boyfriends, The Sun (UK), Feb. 2, 2015. Behind paywall.

Summary: A sweet article filling a two-page spread in the print issue.

Quote: ‘When my boyfriend Christian and I arrive at the school gates to pick up my five-year-old daughter Freya, she shouts: ‘My mummy’s here! Oh and look, there’s Christian, Mummy’s special friend!’
The other parents don’t bat an eyelid, although I don’t know what they say behind closed doors. This is because I make no secret of the fact I’m in a committed relationship with not only the father of my children, Gosta, but also Christian, who I’ve been seeing for 18 months.

● Polyamour en Suède: mieux aimer... à plusieurs? French article and video; Géopolis, February 14, 2015.

Summary: Looks like a description of Louisa’s life with her two partners and children. Includes a quote from Christian’s mother (rough translation): “This is simply a way to start a family. They love each other. Christian and Gosta are friends; Louisa loves them both — it works!”

● Las grandes lecciones que aprendió esta mujer de su matrimonio 'abierto': Louisa Leontiades, presidenta del poliamor. El Confidencial (Spain), May 16, 2015.

Quote: En "The Husband Swap" ("El intercambio de marido"), su autora rememora lo que ocurrió cuando, intentando revitalizar su vida matrimonial, decidió intercambiar a su esposo con otro hombre.

● Radio interview, The Ray D’Arcy Show (Ireland).

Summary: Pretty basic questions about poly, including how they decided who would sleep with whom, and did they get jealous, etc. About 10 minutes.

On April 29th Louisa posted,

With the storm of email that's hit my inbox over the past few days thanks to The Times article, so many magazines have contacted me. I reply with a 'That would be lovely, and I'm very willing to discuss polyamory, logistics and loving relationships etc. but I won't be going into any inside the bedroom details.' And they don't say 'We respect your privacy and understand.' Instead they say, 'Sorry, we're a populist title, so if you won't discuss your sex life, Bye Bye'.

Book Reviews

● Book Review, Barry Smiler, Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 18, February 21, 2015.

Summary: Positive review focusing on the relatability of the story.

Quote: “The description of these deeply personal interactions is what gives this book its power. And power it does have. As the story of the quad's journey unfolds, this book's well-crafted dialogue and characterizations offer solid insights into, not just these four people, and not just polyamorous people, but any of us, in any sort of relationship.”

● Book Review, The Sassy She, Lisa Lister, May 11, 2015.

Summary: Positive review, and interview with Louisa. Writer is in a monogamous relationships, and talks about how reading this book challenged her perception of relationships.

Quote: “I’m GLAD her story challenged me, if I didn’t want to be challenged I’d read freakin’ Danielle Steel novels, right? We all need our perspectives challenged + our hearts opened by the real stories of women and their experiences. Louisa is a powerful storyteller –  emotional,  curious and crazy amounts o’ honest, and she sheds much-needed insight into a world most of us have only experienced through press stories, or if, like me you have a girl-crush on Chloe Sevigny, and have watched back to back Big Love.”

● Book Review, Polyamory on Purpose, Jessica Burde, Feb. 11, 2015.

Summary: Positive review, author relates back to her own experience.

Quote: “This is not a happy poly story. This is not a tale of how polyamory works, or how much more “advanced” polyamory is. Fans of HEA romance will likely be disappointed in both the ending and the brutally simple way Louisa tells her story, without the dramatics or flair of plot-driven fiction. Fans of polyamory will likely be disappointed in the ending of the relationship, the failure of the book to be a flag-waving paean to the wonders of poly life.”

● Book Review, The Brunette’s Blog, May 5, 2015.

Summary: Positive review, talks about how this books differs in that it doesn’t focus on what “mistakes” were made, but rather just tells the story of what happened.

Quote: “While reading it, I experienced bubbles of delight and identification — at the weird-this-isn’t-weird feeling of coming down to breakfast with your lover and your husband and his lover, at the terror of falling in love when your relationship involves more people than just yourselves, at the back and forth of sympathy, anger, alliance, and threat you can feel toward a close metamour. It left me wanting more — more poly stories, more people writing about the specific feelings and situations that I know so well, that are so rarely reflected in literature. It felt so, so good to read someone telling a story that, while nothing like any of my stories, has many of the same notes and moments underlying it.”


● Book Review, Loving Without Boundaries blog, by Kitty Chambliss, April 8, 2015.

Quote: "I felt like I found a very close, dear comrade within the pages of that book – a friend who has shared some of my own heartache, pain as well as joy in choosing to live a polyamorous life, and then diving in courageously and unapologetically to see what happens next."


● A book review in Russian.

● The 6 Steamiest Books To Read On The Beach, Red, April 15, 2015.

Summary: Other authors on the list of 6 are Jackie Collins, Nancy Friday, Erica Jong, Shirley Conran and Janet Evanovich.

Quote: “This is an unusual one, but stay with us.” 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are excerpts from both books.

Louisa's Facebook page.

[Permalink]

Six days before election, Green Party leader's poly comment blows up across U.K.

We've seen this happen to a nation's Green Party twice before. A Green leader or activist mentions that legal recognition for multi-relationships might be something worth considering — and conservative media blow it up, hijacking national attention away from the Greens' actual issues at a crucial time. It happened in Canada in 2010 and in Australia in 2012.

U.K. Green Party leader Natalie Bennett

Now it's happening in Great Britain. Last March, Green Party leader Natalie Bennett did a question-and-answer with readers of PinkNews, "Europe's largest gay news service." A reader asked about recognition for poly families. Last Friday, PinkNews published an article about the event. From the article:

The PinkNews reader, Dr Redfern Jon Barrett, asked: “At present those in a ‘trio’ (a three-way relationship) are denied marriage equality, and as a result face a considerable amount of legal discrimination.

“As someone living with his two boyfriends in a stable long-term relationship, I would like to know what your stance is on polyamory rights. Is there room for Green support on group civil partnerships or marriages?”

To which Ms Bennett responded: “At present, we do not have a policy on civil partnerships involving more than two people.

“We are, uniquely in this country, a party whose policies are developed and voted for by our members.

“We have led the way on many issues related to the liberalisation of legal status in adult consenting relationships, and we are open to further conversation and consultation.”

No policy, no promises, but no slammed door either. (See the whole article; May 1, 2015).

The conservative press spotted this when it was published on Friday and leaped. First up, The Telegraph:

Greens 'open' to three-person marriage, says Natalie Bennett

Green Party leader says she is keen to consider recognition for polyamorous relationships

The Green Party is “open” to the idea of three-person marriages, Natalie Bennett has said. Ms Bennett said she was “open to further conversation and consultation” about the prospect of the state recognising polyamorous relationships....

Whole article (May 1).

The Daily Mail:

Green leader Natalie Bennett is 'open' to the idea of three-way weddings and civil partnerships

Bennett says she is 'open' to more rights for polyamorous relationships. It would allow more than two people to enter into marriages together

Green party leader Natalie Bennett has revealed she is open to the idea of legalising three-way marriages.

Party members could get the chance to formulate policy to permit so-called polyamorous relationships, which would allow more than two people to enter into marriages or have civil partnerships.

Ms Bennett said the Greens had already led the way in calling for the liberalisation of marriage laws and is 'open' to going further....

...Rev David Robertson, from the Free Church of Scotland, contended the idea. He said: 'Natalie Bennett is of course just being consistent. 'Given her presuppositions and philosophy, why shouldn’t "marriage equality" extend to multiple people who "love each other"?

'We warned that the redefinition of marriage would not end with same-sex marriage and were ridiculed and abused as being ridiculous. It gives us no pleasure to know that we were right.'

Holly Tootill, a family lawyer with JMW Solicitors, said: ‘Divorce can be complex enough when there are two spouses. Adding another individual into such a structure would make it even more difficult to achieve resolution on matters relating to the well-being of children and finances.'...

Whole article (May 1).

The Mirror had some fun:

Green Party backs polyamory: Here's how you could benefit from a three-way marriage

Natalie Bennett has told PinkNews her party is open to polyamorous marriages and civil partnerships – how would that work in practice?

It took decades but eventually gay marriage was legalised here in the UK.

So what's next? How about three-way unions?

The leader of the Green Party was asked if the party would do anything to further the rights of people in three-way relationships, specifically allowing them to marry. And Natalie Bennett said the Greens would be up for legalising three-way marriages.

3 ways polyamorous marriage could solve Britain's social problems

In fact allowing three way marriages would solve several of Britain’s big social problems

1) Housing has become increasingly expensive. Mortgages would be a lot cheaper if you could share them three ways.

2) Your children’s university fees. The price of higher ed has rocketed up. Getting three earners to contribute could help fund many extra kids through uni.

3) In-work poverty – add one extra income and you’ll lift thousands out of poverty.

But it might be a bureaucratic and legal challenge, if the Greens ever manage to get it passed.

Challenge #1: It's expensive because marriage couples enjoy state benefits....

Challenge #2: Tax breaks....

Challenge #3: people will oppose it

Because people love to get involved in and legislate others' private lives.

Whole article (May 1). At the end, readers can vote on "Do you think polyamorous marriage should be legal?" After two days the yeses are running neck and neck with the noes (vastly better than in real polls).

Bennett campaigning in Soho.

The Independent, an actual serious newspaper, took the trouble to quote a followup from Bennett trying to walk this back a bit:

Speaking at the launch of the party’s LGBTIQ manifesto in Soho later, she told journalists that she had “no personal view at all” on the issue but was prepared to listen to people’s views.

"I don't think saying we will listen to the evidence is in any way outlandish.

"We have, for example, very bad laws that have created the war on drugs that comes from the result that we haven't had evidence-based policy-making.

"Caroline Lucas, the Green MP, put forward a call for the review of the 1971 drugs laws that have never been reviewed."...

Whole article (May 1).


The Scotsman quoted more of her followup:

Natalie Bennett open to three-way marriage plans

...Ms Bennett said: “What I said was, we’d listen to the evidence on any issue, we believe in evidence-based policy-making. I have no personal view on this at all. This is the first time the question has been put to me so what I’m prepared to do is always listen to evidence.”

Asked if more moderate left-wing voters might be put off Green policies they see as outlandish, Ms Bennett replied: “I don’t think saying we will listen to the evidence is in any way outlandish. We have, for example, very bad laws that have created the war on drugs that comes from the result that we haven’t had evidence-based policy-making.

“Caroline Lucas, the Green MP, put forward a call for the review of the 1971 drugs laws that have never been reviewed. Calling for evidence-based policy-making is a position that we should see in a great many more areas.” [Emphasis mine; an example of skillful deflection, reorienting the discussion to intended topics.]

Whole article (May 2).

In the Metro: Green Party leader ‘open’ to three-way marriages (May 3). This too has a reader poll, in which those in favor of "three-way marriages and civil partnerships" had 42% of the votes three days later

And on the BBC: Election 2015: Greens 'would discuss group marriage' (May 1, 2015).

The story also made Buzzfeed and a bunch of other outlets.

PinkNews quotes Bennett's full explanation of her comments, as given to ITV News: Green leader Natalie Bennett defends being ‘open’ to three-way marriages (May 1). Followup: PinkNews prints a response to the fuss by Redfern Jon Barrett, the polyactivist question-asker who started it all (May 4.)

Unlike the Canadian and Australian Green parties in their time, Bennett seems to be handling this kerfuffle pretty well. We'll see if it fades before the election.

Lesson here: Group marriage is not ready for rational discussion in mainstream politics. Any candidate or party that mentions it, even in passing, should know that it will be a subject changer that hijacks their storyline for at least a few days.

Here's the Green Party's actual manifesto that it is running on in Thursday's election.

Election result, May 8: The Greens retained their one member in the U.K.'s 650-member Parliament. Interestingly, for this paltry result they collected 1,157,613 votes nationwide — not much short of the Scottish National Party's 1,454,436 votes, which made world news by netting it 56 seats in Parliament (because of its concentration in fewer districts).

The Green Party, by skimming off 1.1 million of the most progressive votes nationwide for this tiny result, could easily have been the spoiler that thwarted Labour and delivered power to the Conservatives — just as Ralph Nader's presence on the ballot in 2000 drew off far more than enough progressives for George W. Bush to squeak into the presidency. But in the end, the Conservatives' vote margin was (unexpectedly) large enough that the "Green siphon" didn't matter.

[Permalink]

In the UK, a trans poly runs for Parliament

Can an out transgender poly woman get a respectable showing in an election for important public office? Testing that question is Zoe O'Connell in the U.K.

You may remember her from this story in The Guardian two years ago about her very out queer triad. She's running for Parliament in the May 7th general election, as the Liberal Democrat candidate in the mostly rural district of Maldon, Essex, described as "ultra-safe Conservative." The longtime Conservative incumbent won re-election the last time around by 41 percentage points.

The Lib Dems are Great Britain's third-largest party and hold about 10% of national and local elected offices. O'Connell's identities have been getting her a lot of press outside the district, some of it nasty. This morning The Independent, a leading national newspaper, interviews her:

Zoe O'Connell: Transgender Liberal Democrat candidate explains why being transgender and polyamorous isn't a big deal

O'Connell (left) takes a selfie with Lib Dem party leader Nick Clegg. (Original caption: "The MP hopeful has attracted the attention of the tabloid press ahead of the General Election.")

By Helen Nianias

Zoe O'Connell is hoping to become MP for Maldon, Essex, and pledges that if she's elected she'll push the equalities agenda.

However, what has primarily captured peoples' imaginations recently is the fact that O'Connell was born male, and is in a polyamorous relationship with two female partners.

IT specialist O'Connell realised she was transgender on October 13 2005. "For some people it’s a gradual realisation, but for me it was a light bulb moment," she told the Mirror.

O'Connell, whose wife Sylvia stayed with her during her transition, started dating her now-girlfriend Sarah while they were going through the process of transitioning at the same time. Now Sylvia, Sarah and Zoe have a harmonious poly relationship.

The Daily Mail remarked that "of course" O'Connell was Lib Dem, but she is unbothered by any criticism. She explains: "Someone said years ago with being gay that you don’t just come out once, you come out repeatedly. And then after a while you just get bored and you stop caring."...

The Independent: Hi, Zoe. Does your experience make you a better politician?

Zoe O'Connell: "Anyone who’s got a lot of life experience is going to be a better MP. In that regard, yes. My story is unique to me, everybody else has their own stories that are going to be different."

Are we starting to make progress in terms of candidate diversity?

ZOC: "I think so, there’s another candidate who’s poly, and other Lib Dem candidates have came out as having HIV."

I suspect if you’re polyamorous you’re also really good at organising things.

ZOC: "[Laughs] Yes we use calendars on iPhones a lot and we used to use Google calendars before that came along but I have no idea how people managed it before. I think it was possible – there's a polyamorous relationship in Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – that one’s a "V" rather than a triangle, but that’s handled very well."

Does it help people relate to you, because the media coverage is so personal?

ZOC: "People will appreciate the honesty. It’s kind of like just saying: ‘I am who I am’."

Do you think people respect that?

ZOC: "Certainly the kind of people who would vote Liberal [laughs]."

How do your partners feel?

ZOC: "Sarah’s a former council person, so she’s used to the press. Sylvia’s not really the media type, so it’s not been a problem... As long as you’ve learned to accept it yourself, what other people think matters less. A lot of stress can be cured by going: ‘You can’t be worrying about what other people think.’"

Here's the original (April 27, 2015).

Update: This longshot of a campaign may not be as quixotic as it sounds to an American. I'm told that in Great Britain, you don't have to live in the district you run in. So, political parties often try out would-be candidates in hopeless districts to see how well they handle a campaign. Those who prove themselves may then be "promoted" to run in a district where they have a chance.

Similarly, a would-be candidate who wants to get the attention of party leaders can run in a sacrifice race, in a district the party's other candidates are not interested in, to show what they've got.

This would explain why such an alternative person as O'Connell, who thrived in the college-town hotbed around Cambridge University, is running in such a place as Maldon, Essex. Even if the incumbent wins by 41 points again next week, O'Connell may achieve what she needs, and we may be hearing more from her.

Election result update, May 8: As part of the Conservative sweep and Lib Dem wipeout, O'Connell got 4.5% of the Maldon vote; the Conservative incumbent got 61%.

[Permalink]

U.K. lesbians look at poly history and practice

The Most Cake calls itself "the chic-yet-undeniably-geeky lovechild of a new generation of London lesbians having their cake and eating it too." Here it delves into lesbian poly history and practice.

When your girlfriend wants two girlfriends

By Lucy Peters

...That’s the version of romance you hear about in pop music and romantic comedies, literature and magazine problem pages: that if you choose right, you can find one person to offer you companionship and sex, financial stability and children, along with red roses on Valentines’ Day.

This idea has persisted through the rise of feminism, which allowed many women to escape the need for male financial and legal protection, and the gay rights movement, which turned mainstream notions of sex and love upside down.

...But over the last couple of decades, more and more people have been opting for something slightly different…

The word ‘polyamory’ appeared for the first time in 1992, in a Usenet newsgroup post by Jennifer L. Wesp, who was credited when, in 2006, it was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. The definition was based on a 1990 essay by a pagan writer called Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart about her relationships...

Polyamory originated at the same time as queer theory, the strand of academia that brought feminism and gay rights issues together in books like Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Like queer theory, polyamory had radical notions about how people might arrange their sex lives, and like queer theory, it was spearheaded by women....

Its first and most famous handbook, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, was published in the US in 1997, and though (unlike in more recent books and online guides to polyamory) the focus was more on sex than relationships, the book clarified the distinction between polyamory and cheating, was inclusive of some queer identities, and approached topics, like jealousy and scheduling, that are still key discussion points.... Arguably, it rode the wave of gay and feminist political movements, as they worked to change social attitudes to gender and sexuality, but its philosophy might not have influenced so many people if it hadn’t also been published pretty much at the dawn of the digital age.... If I set my filters to find queer, non-monogamous women living in or near London, I end up with a long list: if I went on dates with them all at a rate of one per week, I’d be busy for the next three years.

According to the BBC, polyamory, with its focus on honesty and flexible approach to intimacy, is ‘the next frontier’ of our romantic lives...

...It might not be obvious that this can be a politically radical way to organise relationships. But for queer poly people, there are clear links between seeing your gender and sexuality as political and organising your relationships along polyamorous lines....

Read the whole long article, 2,800 words (Jan. 11, 2015). It goes on to interview women in London's queer poly scene.

[Permalink]

"We don’t have the language to reflect the diversity of connections we experience."

New Statesman

Following my last post, this morning another example popped up of how poly ideas and culture are catching attention as, sometimes, useful ways for other people to think about things too.

The New Statesman is a British weekly magazine of politics and culture that goes back 100 years. Originating in the Fabian Society, it has always been left of center.

Isn’t it time we admitted we’re all a bit polyamorous?

Monogamy is rare, no matter what we might tell ourselves. We need a new currency of commitment.

"We don’t have the language to reflect the diversity of connections we experience." (Photo: Getty)

By Rosie Wilby

...Human connections are the lifeblood and oxygen that aid our emotional survival. Even the most fleeting kindnesses and flirtations with strangers enhance our wellbeing. These brief moments of love feed our key relationships. Three and a half years in, my girlfriend and I might not always find it easy to generate huge sexual energy in a vacuum on our own. But if we go off into the world and connect, communicate, flirt with and enjoy other people, become energised by them and then come back together, our passion can still burn strongly. Other people act as our kindling. Love breeds love. It isn’t a finite resource that we need to hide away in the attic.

...It struck me that we don’t have the language to reflect the diversity and breadth of connections we experience. Why is sex the thing we tend to define a relationship by, when in fact it can be simple casual fun without a deep emotional transaction? Why do we say “just friends” when, for some of us, a friendship goes deeper? Can we define a new currency of commitment that celebrates and values this? Instead of having multiple confusing interpretations of the same word, could we have different words? What if we viewed our relationships as a pyramid structure with our primary partner at the top and a host of lovers, friends, spiritual soul mates, colleagues and acquaintances beneath that?

This isn’t a million miles away from the central ideas of polyamory – consensual multiple loving connections, some sexual, some not, in a myriad of combinations and hierarchies. It was a new word and world to me, yet when I interviewed a few polyamorous women (meetings had to be scheduled months ahead due to their ridiculously hectic romantic and social diaries) it struck me that they weren’t behaving so differently to anyone else I knew. Yet instead of shrouding some of their most intimate connections in secrecy as many of my “monogamous” friends have to, boundaries and priorities were honestly negotiated and declared.

Perhaps holding our hands up and owning the fact that we are all indeed a bit poly would be a solution to the growing problem of serial monogamy.... So, what if instead of serial relationships one after the other we had parallel ones running alongside one another? Would this improve the odds of some of our key partnerships lasting?...

Read the whole article (July 30, 2014).

Update August 1: The article was just reprinted in America on The New Republic's website, under the title You're More Polyamorous Than You Think.

[Permalink]

"Non-monogamy: The 5 sexual relationships rewriting the rule book"

Metro (U.K.)

Some 1.3 million riders of mass transit in the U.K. today picked up the free paper that's distributed at subway and bus stops — and found this. (Assuming that the story online also appeared in print.)

Non-monogamy: The 5 sexual relationships rewriting the rule book

Getty

...Helen Croydon, author of Screw The Fairytale: A Modern Guide to Sex and Love (John Blake), shares her guide to five relationship trends everyone’s talking about...

Flexi-sexuals

This is the new buzz word for straight men and women who experiment with bisexuality....

Hybrid relationships

It’s increasingly common for one partner to grant the more sexually charged of the two permission to let off steam, while they stay at home with a hot chocolate and get some peace and quiet....

A hybrid relationship or ‘mono-non-mono’ may seem like one half is getting a better deal but, among the couples I interviewed, many are happy for their relationship to remain as good as asexual, instead defining their connection through security and friendship....

Multiple dating

This is the dating equivalent of try-before-you-buy....

Posh swingers

...exquisite private parties with hot waiters in thongs serving canapés and champagne....

Polyamory

Think multiple love, not multiple sex. Polyamorous (or ‘poly’) people believe love isn’t a finite resource. You can spread it, lavish it and reproduce it for as many partners who capture your heart.

Matt, a 26-year-old philosophy student in a four-way relationship with two women and one man, says: ‘I can say I have a favourite book but I can still love other books. Why can’t I do the same for people?’

Some poly people have a ‘primary’ partner they consider their number one and everyone else is ‘secondary’.

Others love multiple partners equally. If it’s a three-way bond, it’s a triad; if there are four, it’s a quad.

Some followers of the poly lifestyle choose to be ‘open’, which means they are free to date anyone. Others are ‘closed’, so only date others within a defined group.

If this sounds complicated, London Polyamory Meetup (www.meetup.com/polylondon) runs discussion evenings about the practicalities.

See the whole article (Feb. 10, 2014).

[Permalink]