Polyamory in the News all over. And upcoming events.

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First: Here are the regional poly community events coming up in the next four months (that I know about). Conferences, campouts, retreats.

♥  Colorado Poly Weekend Retreat, Summer

August 13 – 17, Breckenridge, CO

♥  Polywood Camping 2026

August 14 – 16, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

♥  Camp Constellation (formerly PolyCamp Northeast)

August 17 – 23, central New Hampshire 

♥  Mile High Love Fest

August 21 – 23, Denver, CO

♥  At Burning Man: Village of Poly Paradise

August 30 – September 7, Nevada desert

♥  OpenCon Madrid

September 5 – 7, Ávila, Spain

♥  Polytopia

September 19 – 20, Portland, OR

♥  Colorado Poly Weekend Retreat, Fall 

October 4 – 8, Breckenridge, CO

♥  Midwest Love Fest 

November 6 – 8, Indianapolis, IN

More about these events — and others for the next 12 months — is always available at Alan's List of Polyamory Events.

Any missing? Write me at alan7388 (at) gmail.com

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Meanwhile, the public's (over?)fascination with polyamory and ENM is not slowing down yet.

●  "The Invite" has turned into a box-office hit for an indie movie, whatever you think of its swing-ish presentation of ENM (see previous post). Olivia Wilde’s ‘The Invite’ Nears $40 Million Globally, Becoming a Rare Hit Summer Comedy (Variety, July 31)

[Even] sandwiched between big-budget blockbusters like “The Odyssey” and “Spider-Man: Brand New Day,” “The Invite” has climbed to $20 million in North America and $15.7 million internationally... after three weekends in wide release. Thanks to stellar reviews and even better word-of-mouth, ticket sales are about to surpass $40 million worldwide....

●  A Newsweek editor thinks the movie marks a cultural turning point: Olivia Wilde’s ‘The Invite’ Explores the New Rules of Modern Marriage (July 15). An overstatement?

By H. Alan Scott

Every so often a film comes along that gives the culture permission to talk about something in a new way. The Graduate did it for the disillusionment lurking under postwar prosperity. Kramer vs. Kramer did it for divorce....  And now The Invite, Olivia Wilde's new comedy about swinging San Francisco couples over the course of one epic dinner party, is poised to do it for a subject that's seemingly talked about everywhere in real life and almost nowhere on screen: open marriage. ...

●  Also getting wide media attention: Is Polyamory Right for You? Elisabeth Sheff spent 30 years studying polyamory. Here’s what she learned. The New York Times's "Modern Love" columnist Anna Martin interviewed Sheff, the world's leading sociology researcher on the realities of long-term polyfamilies.

Sheff herself is mono. She begins with her own discovery of the movement 30 years ago: at a library talk by Ryam Nearing, co-founder of Loving More the print magazine. Loving More and its starry-eyed conferences were the central nexus of the poly world in its pre-internet infancy. Although Sheff did not want a poly setup for herself, the movement fascinated her: "These people were delightful." 

The podcast (49 minutes) with transcript/article (July 29). Excerpts:

Martin: As a single woman in my early 30s, living in Brooklyn, going on lots of dates, I hear the word “polyamory” a lot. It seems as if everyone is interested in being poly, or had a poly phase in college, or is dating someone who’s poly, or had to stop dating someone because that person is poly. At least in my specific corner of the world, it feels as if we’ve reached peak poly saturation.

But when Elisabeth Sheff, a researcher and sociologist who goes by Eli, first heard about polyamory in the early 1990s, hardly anyone used that word. ...

Eli Sheff (Jordan Gale / NYT)

...In our conversation, Dr. Eli tells me what she’s learned from talking to the kids who grew up with polyamorous parents, kids who are now old enough to make their own relationship choices. Plus, she has advice for people trying to figure out if poly is right for them.

-----------------

Martin: ...When do you remember hearing the word “polyamory” for the first time?

Sheff: So I was driving home from grad school in the snow... listening to National Public Radio.  And the host was interviewing this person, Ryam Nearing. And they were talking to her about her organization and how it was having an open house, a meeting in a public room in the library that anyone who wanted information could come to. And I was just like, oh, my god, that’s it. That’s the thing [her then-boyfriend] has been talking about. ...And I want to find out from people, how do they do this? How do they manage this in their lives without just feeling awful all the time? Because it really was — I was feeling just awful about it —

...It’s this big room in a library stuffed with people, like standing room only. And there’s people talking about having been in relationships for 20 and 30 years, very happy relationships together.

Martin:

With multiple partners?

Sheff:

Yes, and I’m like, how does that not just kill your heart? So they’re like, it’s the opposite. Their heart opens and blooms with all of these additional people. They really do experience it as more love.

...And then after the meeting, I went up to a person who later participated in my study, and I was just like, you say that you’re so happy with this. And when I think about this, it just feels terrible to me. How do you manage that? And of course, her answer was long and complicated and hard to put into a nugget. But basically, she was like, I get a lot out of it. Sure, it comes with some costs, but she said it benefits her far more than the costs associated with it.

...Interestingly enough, I guess, the polyamorous people in general, they’re very used to talking about their feelings. They’re used to having challenging conversations. They’re used to looking inside and seeing what part of this is insecurity on my part. They’re introspective folks, so it wasn’t unusual for them to have this conversation. It certainly felt exposing to me, but I was fine with it.

...So for about three years, I was a civilian, more approaching it as, how does this impact my own life? But by then I was in graduate school, and I was learning all of these research methods. And one of the research methods classes I had said do an interview with someone, practice interviewing skills. So I interviewed a polyamorous person, and the class was like, "oh, my god, this is amazing. This is your dissertation right here." And I was like, really?

...Nobody [had] done research on it yet, you know? And at the time, I wasn’t aware there were two other researchers looking into this, and that was it worldwide. And none of us knew about each other at first. We all thought we were the only person doing this. I mean, the community had been around, but [in 1996] the word hadn’t been around for as long. ...

She goes on to tell about what became her specialty: the children of poly people and how they've turned out over the decades. And then,

Martin: If you were to say one thing to people that they should know before trying polyamory, the thing in all caps, what would it be?

Sheff:

I would say, it’s no more evolved than monogamy. And there’s a lot of polyamorous propaganda about polyamorous relationships being more mature and more evolved and superior to monogamy. And I would say, maybe some of them are. But some of them are a hot mess and certainly not superior to anything.

There are monogamous people who are quite insightful and evolved, having very mature relationships, and there are polyamorous people having very mature relationships. There are monogamous people who are small and grasping and jealous, and there are polyamorous people who are small and grasping, and their jealousy may express in a different way. ...

...Dr. Sheff is currently gathering data about different relationship styles at The Bonding Project.

Read on or listen. 

●  Speaking of kids, Daughter Of Polyamorous Parents Reveals 30 Truths About Her Unique Upbringing (Bored Panda, Jan. 20).

This is drawn from a very long Reddit Ask Me Anything. It includes excerpts from research papers and from Sheff's 2024 Psychology Today post, Adult Children of Polyamorous Parents: Three primary reactions from adult children of polyamorous parents who come out.

The daughter doing the AMA is 20 and her brother is 17. The tl;dr: Their childhood and upbring were mostly great. One questioner asked her to list the and cons of triad parents. Her reply:

Pros:

• There's more parents to be there for you and to defend you

• It's very unlikely all three will be working at the same time so there's always someone to go to

• Some people think it's super cool (actually how I made one of my friends)

• If you think a punishment was too harsh, there's two more parents that can reason with your other parent

• It's more love to go around

• As they all have careers it's extra income which means we can have more fun holidays

• Polyamorous parents are much more likely to accept situations beyond the societal norm. When my brother came out as gay they didn't care.

Cons:

• Not having a relationship with grandparents because they don't accept it

• It can be hell remembering which parent had a certain story / liked a certain thing

• I regularly mix up names when talking to Mom or Mama and call them by the others name

• Bullying

• If two broke up but both still want to stay with the other person, it could be an awkward situation for everyone involved, including the kids

I'm sure there's more for both pros and cons but that's all I can think of right now.

●  On NPR, Why explorations of nonmonogamy dominate 'Sex Diaries' columnist's new book ("All Things Considered," July 14, audio only.) Alyssa Shelasky does the weekly "Sex Diaries" column in New York magazine.

An anthology of 20 columns is just out. All are about non-monogamy and polyamory — because, Shelasky says, her own experience of it "was the healthiest relationship of my life": a revelatory bloom of easy, secure compersion. (PSA: Don't count on this yourself.)

Toward the end of the interview:

Summers:  ...You've also talked about how doing this work has given you hope. Can you talk about what it is that makes you so hopeful after collecting so many of these peoples' stories? 

Shelasky: I think we're moving in a very positive direction, in terms of our romantic relationships. I think that with the language that's out there — with the discourse that's out there — we are really moving toward a place where — women in paticular — feel empowered to say, "This is what I'm looking for./ This is not for me." [Finding] where do you fit in there.

What gives me hope is that I'm seeing it more and more in my diaries. I'm seeing people who are truly empowered, and who strive to be an individual within a couple. That's a really important piece of a healthy relationship. You have to know who you are, what you want, and not be afraid to say it out loud.

●  More people over 50 are exploring open relationships — and frankly, the reasons why make plenty of sense (Yahoo Canada, July 13.) It draws a lot from Kathy Labriola and her 2022 book Polyamorous Elders. 

●  It's not just the Western world. Mass media in India have been running with the poly/ENM trend for several years, and not just liberal publications. A recent example: Why Is Everyone Suddenly Practising Ethical Non-Monogamy? in TimesNow, a BJP-oriented outlet with editions in many local languages (Aug. 6). The article is accurate and positive. The header:

Ethical non-monogamy is everywhere, but why are more people embracing it now than ever? From modern dating culture to changing ideas of commitment, here's what is driving the rise of ENM today.

●  Update on the "This Is Poly" reality show (spoilers).  I harshed this show in my last post. Season 1 has now ended with the star throuple breaking up. As they should have.

You may remember husband and wife Kami and Trent and their unicorn Nita, she of the DUI arrests. They present an essential lesson for viewers: the need to communicate constantly and fearlessly from the start -- especially to spotlight and discuss elephants in the room: the underlying statuses, finances, unspoken rank/power, and other realities of each of the three and of the whole dynamic. Right from the start.

Showbiz Cheat Sheet interviewed each of the three. After Dramatic Finale, Nita, Trent, and Kami Reveal Whether They’d Return for Season 2 (July 17)

In the season finale of We TV’s This Is Poly, the show’s “Power Throuple” are preparing to publicly declare their love for each other. But unresolved tensions, particularly Nita’s concerns about her financial security, end up derailing the ceremony entirely. 

“I know that we’re probably still not on the same page,” Kami confesses in an interview segment ahead of the ceremony. “There’s so many things that [Nita] has that she feels like she needs and wants. And oftentimes, there’s expectations that I don’t even know about.”

Nita, Trent, Kami: Not happening

Ultimately, after tense, closed-door conversation, the trio decide not to go through with the ceremony. Instead, they welcome their guests at their riverside event location and explain their choice not to go through their their vows. 

For Nita, who was dreaming of happily ever after, the decision is particularly painful. But she’s come to realize that Kami and Trent might not be able or willing to provide what she needs from their polyamorous relationship. In previous conversations, she requested assurances she’d be taken care of in the future. But Kami and Trent, who are married and have adult children, won’t promise they will do that. 

“All of my views on the forever are all very traditional,” Nita tearfully tells a producer. “As far as the obligations … there is a significant age difference between us. Hypothetically, they die before me. Then what do I do? Go back to work at 60? And that’s the insult that I felt. How could you ask for such a thing and not have a safety net beneath it?”

...“This is just me becoming part of something that already exists,” Nita tells her former partners. “Not making a new thing. Everything you said was a f*cking lie.” 

------------------

Given the difficult end of the throuple’s three-year relationship, does anyone from the trio regret going on the show? And would they be open to filming a second season if "This Is Poly" returns to TV? 

“I think we absolutely would be interested in doing another season,” Kami told Showbiz Cheat Sheet, speaking for herself and Trent. “Definitely. I mean, it was fun. It was hard, but it was fun and we’re very pleased with the outcome. They did a great job. We got to share ourselves and we got to share what we believe – that love is expansive, love is growing. We wanted people to see that this is an option.”

“Being authentic is so important to us,” Trent chimed in. “So even though we go through some very challenging things and it’s out in front of everybody, just anything that we could do to help people in their own journeys and that type of thing is very valuable to us. So we would definitely be interested in season 2.”

Nita was less enthusiastic about the idea of returning to reality TV.

“They’d have to pay me a lot more,” she said [referring to We TV]. “I’ve been paid better, I’ll say that. I’ve been paid better to do less.”

Whatever the future holds for This Is Poly, Kami and Trent say they are committed to polyamory.

“This is maybe hard for people to hear, but once you do open your marriage or whatever else, it’s really hard to go back. Really hard,” Kami said. 

“It is the most challenging [thing], but it’s also, as I mentioned, the most rewarding thing, so I wouldn’t change it,” Trent agreed. 

Nita has a different take on polyamory, as it’s a lifestyle she only started to explore once she met Kami and Trent.

“I was never a polyamorous to begin with,” she reveals. “I’m just a narcissistic b*tch that wants her way all the time and thinks that she can have everything.”

She lays out her advice:

“Definitely have those hard conversations fast,” she said. “Just as fast as you’re willing to do everything else, that’s as fast as you need to be willing to have those hard-topic conversations.”

So maybe Nita wins the show's ending. Even if she began the whole thing lying-by-omission to her two partners.

●  Continuing this topic: Good data beats everything, and never mind the oversimplified headline: The One Thing That Can Ruin Open Relationships Has Nothing to Do With Sex (Vice, Aug. 3)

By Askley Fike

Open relationships get written off as either a utopian escape from jealousy or a fast track to emotional disaster. The reality, as with most things involving humans and their feelings, sits somewhere much less dramatic and way more complicated. The problems that ruin them aren’t unique to non-monogamy—and the things that actually help aren’t either.

A new study published in Evolution and Human Behavior surveyed 512 people across 62 countries, split between those in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous arrangements. The focus was a concept psychologists call "mate value discrepancy"—how attractive, successful, or desirable someone feels relative to their partner. In monogamous couples, feeling like the less impressive half reliably produces insecurity, conflict, and controlling behavior.

The study wanted to know whether the same applied when the relationship structure was deliberately open.

People in non-monogamous relationships did report less jealousy on the whole—something researchers have observed before, with polyamorous individuals generally showing higher trust and lower jealousy than monogamous counterparts. What the study also found, though, is that feeling less "desirable" than a primary partner produced the same conflict and insecurity it produces anywhere else. Consensual non-monogamy changes a lot of things. That particular dynamic isn’t one of them.

What Actually Makes Open Relationships Work, According to Experts

Where it gets truly interesting is what the study found about hierarchy. Ranking partners—assigning primary and secondary status, treating one relationship as more legitimate than another—predicted more jealousy, more resentment, and more conflict across the board. The structure people assume provides clarity produced the opposite. Dr. Francesca Miccoli, who completed her doctorate on the legal recognition of polyamorous families, has noted that stability in non-monogamous relationships comes from honesty and clearly communicated boundaries—not from rank.

The single biggest factor associated with fewer problems in both groups was communication—talking openly about attraction and jealousy rather than secretly managing it alone. In non-monogamous relationships, something called compersion also played a significant role. ...

Neither side of the open relationship debate comes out of this looking great. The assumption that non-monogamy breeds chaos and the assumption that it dissolves jealousy are both wrong, and the study makes that pretty clear. What actually determines whether these relationships work has nothing to do with the agreement itself — it comes down to whether people are willing to have uncomfortable conversations, resist the urge to rank their partners, and stop treating a relationship structure like a substitute for honesty.

The study itself:

Swanson, F. L., et al. (2026). "How perceived mate value discrepancies are related to jealousy, mate guarding, intrasexual competition, and partner conflict in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships." Evolution and Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2026.106936

Newsweek also reported on the study: Scientists Found What Goes Wrong in Open Relationships—and What Helps (July 30).

●   Lastly, hold onto this important mainstream-media piece by two up-and-coming activists in our movement: The unfair double standard polyamorous relationships face (Los Angeles Times, July 21).   

By Christina Fialho and Megan Burke

We’ve watched it happen more times than we can count. A polyamorous relationship — one of ours or someone else’s — hits a rough patch or ends, and suddenly the people who once seemed so open-minded have a lot to say.

People are quick to dissect the arrangement itself. Of course there was jealousy. Of course there was drama — what did you expect? Or so the assumptions go. The breakup is treated not as a relationship between imperfect humans that ran its course, but as a verdict on polyamory itself.

It’s time to admit that polyamory’s biggest obstacle has never been jealousy, logistics or commitment, as popular culture might have one believe. It’s instead the societal presumption that nonmonogamy is inherently suspect.

We call this “the poly presumption”: the belief that the nonmonogamous structure is to blame in any breakup or conflict and the burden is on the people in the relationships to prove otherwise. As queer polyamorous people, we’ve spent years tracing the roots of this presumption, and what we’ve discovered is that it operates at a systems level.

...This double standard exists because Western society has created, enforced and normalized monogamy as the only acceptable relationship structure. ... When something is as deeply ingrained in society as monogamy, the failures that people experience when attempting it are interpreted as individual failures, not structural ones. Polyamory, and nonmonogamy more broadly, does not receive that grace. When a polyamorous dynamic experiences conflict, the burden is always on the polyamorous people to prove that the entire nonmonogamous structure isn’t to blame.

Take jealousy. In monogamy, it’s treated as a normal human emotion. But in polyamorous relationships, jealousy is immediately read as proof that nonmonogamy isn’t viable. The same logic applies to the perception that polyamorous relationships are inherently unstable.

Pop culture often portrays polyamory as chaotic, messy and too emotionally demanding to last. The 2025 film “Splitsville,” for example, treats instability as nonmonogamy’s natural state. ...

The irony is seen in how often research cuts against the poly presumption. A 2025 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Sex Research, the largest assessment of its kind, considered data from 35 studies that included nearly 25,000 people and found no significant differences in relationship satisfaction or sexual satisfaction between purportedly monogamous people and those who consider themselves nonmonogamous. Additionally, a 2024 scoping review published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review found that people in polyamorous relationships report less jealousy than those in monogamous couplings. ...

Research also suggests that infidelity affects one in four married couples in the United States. So, the assumption that monogamy is simply the more stable, more fulfilling way to pursue intimate relationships turns out to be a myth.

This myth forms the narrative foundation of modern legislation and continues to guide polyphobic and homophobic legislative decisions....  It also fuels inequities, with people in polyamorous relationships more likely than those in monogamous ones to earn under $40,000 a year.

None of this suggests that polyamory is beyond criticism. Like monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships can be unhealthy, manipulative and even emotionally destructive. The goal is to ensure that people are not judged, marginalized or denied their rights simply because they choose a different path.

...Until we challenge the poly presumption, the cultural jury will continue to mistake difference for dysfunction — and return a guilty verdict before anything goes wrong.

Christina Fialho is an attorney and the founder/president of Rewrite the BiLine. Megan Burke is a philosopher and the author of three books, including “Becoming a Woman: Simone de Beauvoir and the Politics of Trans Existence.”

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Elsewhere in the world... The changing tides of the Ukraine war show how, when a free people don't give up, fortune may swing their way. Don't you give up either.

If you still don't get what this war means to our own future as free cultural weirdos — not to mention to the whole rest of the world — you need the long view.

BTW, the logo of PolyamoryUkraine:

 

...while in Russia, speaking out for "nontraditional sexual relations" is a crime punishable by up to 12 years in a Russian prison under the "anti-extremism" laws. "Extremism" meaning whatever the emperor dislikes.

And BTW, The Invite's first international release was in Ukraine.

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Movie The Invite: "the representation we've been waiting for?" seems to be a disappointment. Two new polyam novels. The 3 most common reasons polyamory fails. And other poly in the news.

First: The international Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy is coming up July 6-12 courtesy of OPEN, the increasingly well-established Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-mononogamy. Plan your own local educational event, party, talk at the library, booth in the park, or other event, either in-person or virtual, with OPEN's help and publicity.

Meanwhile, June is Pride Month. Join (or create!) a poly contingent in your local pride parade with OPEN's help, and find those already happening.

On Pennsylvania Avenue in DC, June 2025

____________________________________________________

●  In other news, Hazel Park, Michigan now makes nine US cities and towns that have passed legal protections and/or recognition for polyamorous or other chosen-family households. Michigan city first in the Midwest to shield polyamorous relationships (The Detroit News, June 12, paywalled). Hazel Park, population 15,000, is an inner-ring suburb of Detroit.

By Peg McNichol

Hazel Park city council unanimously agreed on Tuesday to update its human-rights ordinance by adding familial status, family or relationship structure.

The expanded civil rights protection includes multigenerational families, stepfamilies and, yes, polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous is the term for people who consent to being involved in multiple simultaneous romantic or sexual relationships.

Hazel Park is the first community in Michigan and in the Midwest and the ninth in the nation to protect family structure from discrimination. There are no federal or state laws that extend civil rights protection for familial status, family or relationship structure. ...

Councilman Luke Londo sponsored the updated ordinance....

●  They All Fall in Love at the End is the title of Haili Blassingame's new novel, out this month, about something she knows: a strong Black woman's wrestle with getting polyamory to function in DC's Black community. It's loosely based on her slightly younger self.  From the publisher's summary:

Friends and family urge her to just be happy with Jay, but Cat is determined to have it all—or blow up her life trying. As she falls for all the wrong people, racking up lies, betrayals, and terrible drafts of her novel, she tries to write her way to a happy ending. But in art, politics, and love, true liberation may take more than rewriting the old scripts. It may mean inventing something entirely new.

In an NPR  interview with Juana Summers, New novel explores the messy middle of living a non-monogamous life (June 3), Blassingame has this to say:

...To return to this question of, like, the types of stories that get told around polyamory, I wanted to see someone wrestling with it as a paradigm and as, like, a relationship modality, not simply as, hey, girl, there's this crazy thing I'm doing. And I think we typically talk about it as being antagonist to monogamy or an answer to monogamy rather than just simply a different way of loving. And I think you almost have to -- you have to unlearn and then relearn in order to practice it in the way that -- I mean, I don't want to say should practice it, 'cause you can practice it in many different ways.

SUMMERS: Right.

BLASSINGAME: But, like, you know, if you have zero models or zero examples of it, I mean -- and you find this a lot in the queer community, too. It's like you're building something from scratch. And I wanted to get into that piece of it, not just as a salacious plot point, but actually as, like, a philosophical relationship paradigm. ...

Read partway into the book.

NPR has lost its federal funding to Trump, resulting in newsroom layoffs and closed stations. But that also means the Trumpies lost a means of control: NPR no longer has to look over its shoulder toward the White House every time it chooses what to cover. Donate here.

●  Another new semi-autographical book, Waist Deep, is by a Danish poly mom in a mono-poly FF marriage. Now it's just been published in the US. A New York Times review: ‘Could Love Be Freer?’ A Tale of Polyamory, in Literature and Life.  The Danish writer Linea Maja Ernst’s debut novel, “Waist Deep,” a hit in Europe, explores the flirtations and frustrations within a millennial friendship circle.

From the publisher's description:

. . . But the idyll is fragile. Lost without the uninhibited magic of their youth, Sylvia is left wondering what happened to the radical ways of living they embraced at university. Tensions rise under moonlit swims and wine-drenched dinners, and Sylvia is stunned to learn her old crush Esben will be getting married at the end of the week—a crush her monogamous girlfriend would definitely not approve. While the group sunbathe, cook, and flirt their way to midsummer night, new desires prove not everyone has left their arcadian fantasies behind.

An instant bestseller in Scandinavia and now translated into ten languages, Waist Deep is a modern Midsummer Night’s Dream that offers a provocative flourish to the perennial question: does growing up have to mean giving up on your dreams?

●  Accurate poly education continues to flow in the mainstream, alongside clueless mass-market misconceptions that lead wishful-thinkers into trouble.

On the good side, a poly-friendly family therapist with a big global platform warns of the commonest routes to failure: As a psychologist, I’ve seen that polyamory doesn’t fix relationships – it reveals them. (The Guardian, March 1) 

(The article used an antique photo of a Victorian
poly-ish picnic. Glasshouse Images/Alamy)

By Carly Dober

The success of any relationship hinges on the same pillars of trust, respect, honesty and shared values. Polyamory simply tests their integrity daily.

Emilio* and Jessica* sat in front of me, disconnected and barely looking at each other. They had been together for seven years and had recently opened up their relationship and tried polyamory, upon Emilio’s suggestion. Jessica agreed to this, but it was not her first choice for how she wanted the relationship to be. They were now in a crisis, as betrayals and secrets had occurred before and during the attempts at this new relationship configuration.

...We discussed that the foundational principle of successful non-monogamy is radical transparency. Everything must be on the table from the start, with the understanding that the conversation never truly ends. As feelings evolve about a new partner, an old dynamic, or something else, so must the dialogue. This is sometimes where the theory crashes into the reality of human emotion.

I have witnessed too many couples where one partner, often after discovering polyamory as a concept, presents it as an ultimatum. ... The coerced partner, in a desperate bid to preserve the relationship at their own expense, may concede before being psychologically or emotionally ready. The result is often anxiety, jealousy, depression and self-doubt, masquerading as progressive enlightenment. Jessica saw herself in this description.

A firm, shared understanding of the spirit of ethical polyamory is non-negotiable. It is the autonomy, honesty and abundant care that must extend to all partners. In clinical intervention, we start by exploring the existing relationship. ... It must be understood by all parties that cheating is not polyamory. Identifying as polyamorous does not retroactively excuse deceit, as Emilio was attempting to do.

We then explore motivations and potential red flags, which are often magnified in polyamorous contexts. ...

Read on. It's couple-centric, but again, that's where most people are. More than half the adults in the US are in cohabiting couples per US census data.

●  A similar take, though deeper into couple-centrism: The 3 Most Common Reasons Open Relationships Fail (Vice, Feb. 23).

Open relationships get pitched as the brave, evolved option, like you can just add a few extra people to your love life the way you add toppings to a pizza. Then real life arrives. ...

Sex researcher Dr. Justin R. Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute, told Business Insider [Feb. 21, paywalled] that three factors keep pushing couples back toward monogamy.

First, the emotional bandwidth problem. Garcia said, "...You can want the fantasy of being chill and limitless, then find out your feelings don’t scale the way you wanted them to."...

Second, the workload. People hear “open” and imagine freedom. A lot of the day-to-day reality is coordination, check-ins, and a ton of negotiation. ...“Even casual polyamorous encounters take substantial effort and negotiation,” he said. That negotiation can be healthy. It can also be exhausting....

Third, the “this will fix us” trap. ...Garcia [says] non-monogamy works well for some people, and some couples build real stability there. “While consensually open relationships might not work for everyone, or even for most people, there are many people for whom they do work perfectly well.”

The least sexy truth is also the most useful one. Monogamy can be a preference, not a failure. Plenty of couples try something new, learn what it costs, then pick the version of commitment they can actually live with.

And he didn't even mention the unicorn fantasy. If you are a couple and assume you can treat a third person as disposable, choose a third who fully understands and wants that exact role. Talk it out with them first! In the immortal words of Granny Weatherwax,

"Sin, young man, is when you treat people as things."

●  My guess is that most attempts at poly relationships fail for some definition of "fail." Especially now that the poly idea has gone mass-market, which means downmarket. So many people for whom this is just wrong try it frivolously — with poor advance study, lousy communication, and inadequate shared prep. Or no deep, exploratory communication at all.

Or, any grasp of the many other cultural assumptions among the normals that will need to be examined and shed. Please get the message out: Poly is not for everyone.

And anyone will start disadvantaged without access to good, experienced poly community. You need community. You learn so much from real-life examples of the successful and experienced, and also from others' mistakes.

I'm still proud of my bandwagon warning speech from the Poly Pride stage in Central Park nearly 20  years ago. It was right then and it's right now.

●  In this vein Cosmopolitan, always on the lookout for trends, thinks it sees one: Why Is Non-Monogamy Getting So Much Backlash Again? (UK edition, June 18).

"The communication and empathy that’s meant to define ENM appears to have been thrown out of the window in favor of secrecy, selfishness, and a pressure to repress feelings.

By Brit Dawson

... “It’s the enshittification of relationships. The idea that you should fuck more people and want less from them,” says Bea. “It’s hook-up culture cloaked in therapy speak. There’s a lot of pressure on people, especially women in monogamous relationships, to erase their boundaries to make their partner happy.”

Therein lies the key to non-monogamy: if both partners don’t enter the arrangement willingly, even with equal enthusiasm, it’s likely not going to work. And yet, many feel they should embrace the opportunity if it arises, either to appease their partners or wider communities. ... But, says Bailey, the flip side is that it “paints those who engage with monogamy as lesser-than, uneducated, or complicit—and that can easily sway someone into feeling guilty for their own dating preferences”.

...But for many couples [sic] it does work—and far better than any attempts at monogamy have served them in the past. Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator known as Poly Philia, who’s been non-monogamous for 10 years, credits her relationship structure with giving her “flexibility and freedom, independence to explore [her] own desires, and emotional awareness.” Yau believes the backlash largely stems from “the internet loving to sensationalize everything”. “I think non-monogamous people are being scapegoated for a lot of dating frustrations,” something she believes “contributes to an existing narrative that polyamorous people are irresponsible cheaters who can’t control themselves and will take advantage of you, which is not the case.” For Yau, being non-monogamous “makes [her] a better person and partner.”

For Bea, it’s a case of start as you mean to go on. “A lot of the messiness between the pro- and anti-crowd comes from people using non-monogamy to soft-launch a break-up, or to not lose access to their emotional safety blanket while they fuck hotter people,” she says, advising: “Don’t get into a monogamous relationship and ask to open it up; likewise, don’t ask a poly person for exclusivity.”

There’s no doubt that some people are abusing the idea of non-monogamy—and its cultural cachet in certain circles—to get away with bad behavior. There’s also likely a lack of individual research into and understanding of non-monogamy, particularly among younger people who are experimenting in fledgling relationships, which can see them enter into agreements without being fully prepared for the reality of them. ...

●  But success stories also abound. A solopoly tale: How Polyamory Helped Me Love Myself Better (in GO magazine, "the cultural roadmap for city girls everywhere," Feb. 14.)

A couple of years ago, I went through an unexpected and messy queer divorce that led me to question everything about the way I live my life. It was an opportunity to rediscover and recommit to who I really am and the life I want to be living.  While I was in no hurry to get into any kind of relationship again, I spent time examining if I still wanted to live a polyamorous life—I did. ...

Not only does polyamory give me a way to center the kind of queer, nontraditional relationships I’m most attracted to, but it allows me to stop trying to live a life that other people approve of, and it gives me a level of self-confidence I never thought possible.

...I’m lucky enough to live in Portland, Oregon, which is known for its queerness. In fact, I recently bought a bumper sticker for my car that says “Portland: you don’t have to be polyamorous to live here but it helps.”

...Polyamory has given me the language, space, and framing to literally have it all. Sometimes this looks like a one-off hookup or other casual connection as opportunity presents itself and have that be cheered on by those closest to me. But it also looks like having deeply committed loving partners who can be daily connected with me and who factor into big life decisions I’m making. ...

Polyamory allows me to show up for those who I love as the best version of myself. I am deeply committed to the people I bring into my inner circle platonically and romantically, and I now treat myself, my art, and my passions the way that I expect others to treat me. I won’t compromise my interests for someone else’s schedule, and I’ve built relationships with people who wouldn’t want me to and in fact enthusiastically encouraged me to write more stories, enter more dog shows, and do more of the things that make me happy.  

What first drew me to polyamory as a young queer punk was the ability to architect a relationship that fit the queer life I imagined. ... Since I showed up fully and unapologetically as myself, I’ve never been happier, loved harder, or been loved better. ... It took me 25 years of practicing the lifestyle, but I finally fully and completely understand that this means not just loving others, but also loving myself, and finding ways to prioritize my own joy like I would any of my partners.

●  The movie The Invite, which took Sundance by storm last February, opens in limited theaters June 26 and in major chains July 10. The trailer looks like run-of-the-mill movie drama. But people involved in this production sound like they really wanted to get some ENM representation right. One indication: How Realistic Is Olivia Wilde’s “The Invite”? An Ethical Non-Monogamy Expert Explains (Dating News, June 16)

By Emma Patterson

We’ve never seen non-monogamy in the headlines as much as we have over the last few years — and it’s never been so hotly debated as a result. There’s Lily Allen and David Harbour’s high-profile (and high drama) Split; Ava’s stint in a throuple in Hacks; and the show Industry’s portrayal of unethical people navigating an open marriage. 

Now, Olivia Wilde’s upcoming film The Invite ... may be the nuanced, positive portrayal the community has been waiting for. 

...Victoria Joseph got an exclusive invitation to the film’s premiere. Joseph is herself a participant in an ENM relationship with her husband Ryan. Together they co-founded a matchmaking company which specializes in ENM relationships.

DN: Did the film feel authentic to the realities of ENM relationships, or did it lean more into dramatization? Were there any moments that made you think, “Finally, a movie got this right”?

VJ: When I first received the email invite, the movie was described to me as “a riotous film about love, desire, monogamy, polyamory, and so much more.” Polyamory is often used incorrectly, because it is such a buzzword, most people do not understand the nuances of the different non-monogamous relationship dynamics.

...But honestly, it really did reflect a good ethically non-monogamous relationship. [One of] the moments during the movie that made me think, wow, they got this right…was when this couple named Pina and Hawk (Penelope Cruz and Edward Norton) were describing to Joe and Angela (Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde) [the concept of] compersion, meaning that you get joy and happiness seeing your partner giving joy and pleasure to other people. [And] they were describing how consent was important, and how it starts. 

I feel like my husband Ryan and I [have] had similar conversations with people who never even thought to talk about non-monogamy. [The film] really articulates it in a way that was really positive and really, really funny.

Update June 26: Sigh. I'm told the movie is a big letdown from our point of view. A theatrical set piece of a bickering, bed-dead couple, if that's what you want. But the "invite" of the title happens near the very end, and it gets turned down. No poly here; we've been teased.

So the movie ends just when it could start. From there it could have gone on to be groundbreakingly interesting and exploratory. Oh well.

A confirmation: I just saw this from NPR's "Fresh Air". Everyone expected more from the evening 'Invite,' audience included (July 26). 

.

.

By Justin Chang

...Piña and Hawk have their own ideas about how to help ... suffice to say that the title The Invite has more than one meaning. It's disappointing, though not surprising, that the film pulls back from those ideas. After dangling a more audacious outcome, The Invite retreats to a zone of emotional safety — one that's poignant in its own way, though it also feels like a missed opportunity. The movie could have been — dare I say it — a little Wilder.

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●  Let's close for now with one of the most poly-positive mainstream advice columns I can recall. It's by Dear Prudence (Jenée Desmond-Harris) in Slate (May 12): Help! My Best Friend’s New Relationship Is Posing a Big Problem for My Wedding.

 

Dear Prudence,

...We are struggling with our [wedding] guest list. ... “Maggie” was my best friend in college, and she shaped who I am today... I still consider her one of my closest friends. But my fiancé and I are hitting a wall on her plus-one(s). Maggie has been with “Luke” for two years, and we adore him. ... Now there’s a third member of their relationship, “Flora,” whom I’ve never met. All three of them are very happy and in love, and Maggie seems genuinely thrilled with the situation.

Now that Flora is involved, I’m not sure what to do. ...To invite all three of them—including a woman we’ve never met—we would need to cut someone [from the guest list] we really want to be at our wedding. How can I solve this without offending anyone or feeling resentful myself?

—Three’s a Crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd,

The practical thing to do is invite Maggie, Luke, and Flora, bringing your guest list to 121. ...

My more emotional and relationship-based suggestion is that you should scrutinize why, out of 120 people, Flora is the one on the chopping block ... because on some level you don’t really see the triad as legitimate.

...I want to argue that you should. Not just because it’s the right thing to do for one of your best friends, but because weddings can be powerful events that create and deepen connections with and among the people you love. You don’t want to miss this opportunity to bring Flora into the fold.

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Elsewhere in the world... As I said a few months ago in their cold dark winter of bombed power plants, some people don't give up. Now the changing tide of the Ukraine war shows how, when a free people don't give up, fortune may swing their way.

And if you still don't get what this war means to our own future as free cultural weirdos... you need the long view.

BTW, the logo of PolyamoryUkraine:

 

...while in Russia, speaking up for "nontraditional sexual relations" is a crime punishable by up to 12 years in prison under "anti-extremism" laws. "Extremism" meaning whatever the emperor dislikes.

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